No Nonsense

To me, this read very much like a first attempt at writing. It reminds me of what I might have written when I was about fifteen, even to the death at the end. There are errors, and yet there is a real story. I think one day, you are going to write some very good books. I like the feeling that you convey.
Minor crits, your preface and prologue are repeated, so we have to get to chapter 5 in Authonomy numbering before you start your story. Also, I think you should consider starting the narrative with the deaths of the parents, and then making it a slow and inevitable progression to the death at the end. That is a major change in organisation, and only something to think about. You should never act on any of these reviews without careful thought, as each one of them is only one person's opinion, and only that of yet another unpublished author.
This story to be backed as soon as I have a space on my shelf. Marj.

No Nonsense
by Arlynn Mackie:

Excellent Preface which instantly draws the reader in. The prologue is well written, the pace is fast. Seven year-old Skyler Newmar loses his parents and learns of their deaths on the News. What a tragic way to find out. This is portion is very well told especially from the POV of a young child. He reaches up for the door handle and sees two policemen on his doorstep. Probably one of the nicest touches of this scene is Mr. Dougherty who crouches and takes the boy into his arms. We are at the boy’s level feeling his pain. He is then taken to the police station by the loving Mr. Dougherty and observes the criminals as they are brought in. The writing style suits the YA genre perfectly―the tone is just right. However, when Skyler arrives at Sunshine Orphanage he is expected to fill in a form. I am wondering also if he would ‘understand’ the context of the smiling pictures at his age? Any reader would be relieved to find Donny as a good friend. I began to relax a little after his introduction. We meet the Hance twins―opposites in appearance. Donny leaves to go to a new family and Skyler is left alone. He is haunted by his parents’ death as any child would be. These descriptions of pain are so vivid―it’s hard not to become emotional. In Chapter 9, Skyler and the twins escape and they survive on the streets. This book is emotionally charged with believable characters and skillful scenarios. Highly starred and highly recommended. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Thank you so much for the fantastic review. I figured that at age 7 (being a bit more mature and an avid reader) that he would understand the more simple questions on the form, but I could be wrong since I haven't been around many 7 year olds. Again thank you so much. I willl read yours as soon as I can

No Nonsense
by Arlynn Mackie:

Excellent Preface which instantly draws the reader in. The prologue is well written, the pace is fast. Seven year-old Skyler Newmar loses his parents and learns of their deaths on the News. What a tragic way to find out. This is portion is very well told especially from the POV of a young child. He reaches up for the door handle and sees two policemen on his doorstep. Probably one of the nicest touches of this scene is Mr. Dougherty who crouches and takes the boy into his arms. We are at the boy’s level feeling his pain. He is then taken to the police station by the loving Mr. Dougherty and observes the criminals as they are brought in. The writing style suits the YA genre perfectly―the tone is just right. However, when Skyler arrives at Sunshine Orphanage he is expected to fill in a form. I am wondering also if he would ‘understand’ the context of the smiling pictures at his age? Any reader would be relieved to find Donny as a good friend. I began to relax a little after his introduction. We meet the Hance twins―opposites in appearance. Donny leaves to go to a new family and Skyler is left alone. He is haunted by his parents’ death as any child would be. These descriptions of pain are so vivid―it’s hard not to become emotional. In Chapter 9, Skyler and the twins escape and they survive on the streets. This book is emotionally charged with believable characters and skillful scenarios. Highly starred and highly recommended. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Hello, well my exams are all finished with so I can take a look at your book. Just my own opinion, so do what you want with it.

Your pitch- you misspell 'Skyler' the second time.

PREFACE
Not sure why you need this- I've never seen it in any book I've read. I'd leave it as just an opening without a title.

PROLOGUE
Good character voice but I'm very lost as to who is who.

Reading this...not sure why you need it. It might be an idea to incorporate these flashbacks in between the story and reveal it in layers (like Phillip Pullman does with Lyra's dreaming). It could add more depth, and keep the reader guessing as to what happened.

CHAPTER ONE and TWO
Okay this is a repeat of earlier. Not necessary at all. Either make them chapter one and two and remove the earlier bits. Repeating yourself so soon doesn't give much effect on the reader other than frustration.

THREE
More interesting, if a bit cliched. Your paragraphs are getting chunkier and chunkier- I'd split them up a bit, it makes it easier to read. Writing is fine.

FOUR
Again, character voice is good, but I'm losing interest now. I'm all eager to know how Skyler got himself in the predicament he's in. There's a bit too much background information being thrust upon me. While yes, you do need to ground him in the situation, I'd trim it a bit. It's reading a bit like a report.

I'll stop here. It's an interesting story, with an excellent character voice and overall good writing, but it needs focusing to let the main plot get started.

All the best with it!

Sam241

Thank you for your critique; I will do my best to edit the beginning. Many people have given me similar feedback so I definately will have to reconsider certain aspacts of my story. The flashbacks are a good idea as are your opinions on the background though I always felt that background was structure but I can see that there are parts that can be edited. I'm glad you like the character voice at least.

-Arlynn

Hello, well my exams are all finished with so I can take a look at your book. Just my own opinion, so do what you want with it.

Your pitch- you misspell 'Skyler' the second time.

PREFACE
Not sure why you need this- I've never seen it in any book I've read. I'd leave it as just an opening without a title.

PROLOGUE
Good character voice but I'm very lost as to who is who.

Reading this...not sure why you need it. It might be an idea to incorporate these flashbacks in between the story and reveal it in layers (like Phillip Pullman does with Lyra's dreaming). It could add more depth, and keep the reader guessing as to what happened.

CHAPTER ONE and TWO
Okay this is a repeat of earlier. Not necessary at all. Either make them chapter one and two and remove the earlier bits. Repeating yourself so soon doesn't give much effect on the reader other than frustration.

THREE
More interesting, if a bit cliched. Your paragraphs are getting chunkier and chunkier- I'd split them up a bit, it makes it easier to read. Writing is fine.

FOUR
Again, character voice is good, but I'm losing interest now. I'm all eager to know how Skyler got himself in the predicament he's in. There's a bit too much background information being thrust upon me. While yes, you do need to ground him in the situation, I'd trim it a bit. It's reading a bit like a report.

I'll stop here. It's an interesting story, with an excellent character voice and overall good writing, but it needs focusing to let the main plot get started.

All the best with it!

Sam241

I loved the concept and the characters. Having read the reviews of your book i think they're all pretty spot on (so i won't repeat their suggestions). All i can say is keep going with it. You really have a gem of an idea.
Good luck
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

The start is a bit confusing with the preface, prologue then repeated as chapters one and two. An interesting start though. I read through to chapter five.

It needs some editing/checking ... to help you get started ... in chapters 3 and 4 various mentions of "parent's death" should be "parents' death". In chapter 3 "wreaked of old tobacco" should probably be "reeked of old tobacco" and "'o'clock" should be "o'clock". In chapter 4 "dropped off into their mist" should be "dropped off into their midst". Also convention is to spell out numbers less than ten - not a hard and fast rule though.

I assume the overall narrative is done by the eighteen year old Skyler which is fine but be careful with the dialogue - it doesn't sound like a seven or eight year old speaking at the orphanage.

Tartankiwi,

I realize there are typing errors throughout my book and am recieveing help on fixing each and every one of them. Yes, I thought it was obvious that the narrative is done by 18 year old Skyler and that the dialogue is between more mature kids because they have had to grow up faster than most due to their parents' death. And the reason, "chapters one and two" are called the "preface and prologue" is due to authonomy's requirement to upload chapter by chapter. That is why I made sure to accurately number them on each page; I am sorry if this caused confusion. Thank you for the help and hope you enjoyed all that you read.

-Arlynn

The start is a bit confusing with the preface, prologue then repeated as chapters one and two. An interesting start though. I read through to chapter five.

It needs some editing/checking ... to help you get started ... in chapters 3 and 4 various mentions of "parent's death" should be "parents' death". In chapter 3 "wreaked of old tobacco" should probably be "reeked of old tobacco" and "'o'clock" should be "o'clock". In chapter 4 "dropped off into their mist" should be "dropped off into their midst". Also convention is to spell out numbers less than ten - not a hard and fast rule though.

I assume the overall narrative is done by the eighteen year old Skyler which is fine but be careful with the dialogue - it doesn't sound like a seven or eight year old speaking at the orphanage.

where's the rest?

What do you mean? All of the chapters are counted for. If you mean the order its: preface, prologue, and then ch.3? That was a typo, it is really ch.1

Preface - great opening to a book. dramatic, intriguiing, but a few tweaks needed. I don' think there is such a thing as a normal orphan. by nature they are or have been disturbed. maybe a normal kid who became an orphan? police would not knock down door with hands, but battering ram or something similar. foolishly hide? hmmm hwat else could you do? maybe we need the crash of the door splintering. we do not need 'Bang'. too blatant. leave this open as a hook.

I agree that orphans are not quote normal and that foolishly hide behind was supposed to be cowardly hide behond. the bang was supposed to be the gun that killed Skyler, not the dorr crashing; sorr if thet was hard to understand. Also, the officer kicked down the door (Skyler wanted to be caught). Again I appologize for not making that more clear.

Thank you for your comments

where's the rest?

Preface - great opening to a book. dramatic, intriguiing, but a few tweaks needed. I don' think there is such a thing as a normal orphan. by nature they are or have been disturbed. maybe a normal kid who became an orphan? police would not knock down door with hands, but battering ram or something similar. foolishly hide? hmmm hwat else could you do? maybe we need the crash of the door splintering. we do not need 'Bang'. too blatant. leave this open as a hook.

This is a very nice book and with a bit more editing could be very good. I am backing this as i believe you've got something different here.
Nikos

Thank you, and yes, I agree that it does require some serious editing =D

A book with good strong characters and a good storyline. Backed with top marks
Villiger

thank you

A book with good strong characters and a good storyline. Backed with top marks
Villiger

This is a very nice book and with a bit more editing could be very good. I am backing this as i believe you've got something different here.
Nikos

First paragraph of preface: totally excellent and compelling!
Not sure, but I felt it could have been a stronger opening simply with that one first paragraph. You could cut the rest and bring it in later. Not sure how that would work plot-wise but I think it would make for a stronger opening. Just my thoughts :-)

Chapter 3 was great, instantly you have created a strong character whom the reader will want to know more about to see how his life unravelled. I like your matter of fact tone.

Thank you; and I agree about the opening. I could use some suggestions since I have been struggeling with this for longer than I would like to admit. I'm glad you like the tone and Skyler's character. And I would also like to thank you for your comment on the preface. ^.^

Arlynn

First paragraph of preface: totally excellent and compelling!
Not sure, but I felt it could have been a stronger opening simply with that one first paragraph. You could cut the rest and bring it in later. Not sure how that would work plot-wise but I think it would make for a stronger opening. Just my thoughts :-)

Chapter 3 was great, instantly you have created a strong character whom the reader will want to know more about to see how his life unravelled. I like your matter of fact tone.

I found that having a prologue and a preface was distracting. I loved chapter one (three?). The reaction to seeing the news, was believable. Although I feel that, 'they're Ok, they have to be...' is enough without 'I concluded'-I feel this would have more impact. 'Concluded' suggests that the MC has been thinking about this for a long time. Just a thought. Otherwise, this was easy to read and engaging.

Bec (Find Mark)

For our swap
I read first three chapters. Your prologue is rather long. It runs through two chapters and then the third chapter begins with three. That was a little confusing.
Now for the good part. I loved it, the emotion running through a seven year old as he watched the news if his parents death on tv. How he killed his best friends albeit by accident. I feel for him and congratulate your writing. But you probably know that already as I have already backed you this week. Good luck.
Asma.

I made a prologue and a preface because one consists of background information and the other shows part of the death which concludes at the end; sorry if that was confusing. :)
Thank you for the sweet comment; I will read three chapters of your book tonight as well.

Arlynn

For our swap
I read first three chapters. Your prologue is rather long. It runs through two chapters and then the third chapter begins with three. That was a little confusing.
Now for the good part. I loved it, the emotion running through a seven year old as he watched the news if his parents death on tv. How he killed his best friends albeit by accident. I feel for him and congratulate your writing. But you probably know that already as I have already backed you this week. Good luck.
Asma.

Dear Arlynn, I love the heart-felt plight of orphaned 7 hear old Skyler after he has tragically lost his parents & having to be in Sunshine Orphanage, "a victim of harsh discipline, constant rejection, and looming loneliness," "then...the Hance twins...come to town & help Skyler escape the horrid facility until living on their own is not easy as it seems...learn to survive & trust each other...years pass.. they make Darjeeling Mansion their home, a devastating falling out occurs...Skyler on his journey to maturity and his search for the perfect family," as your pitch portrays. :) WOW!! :) - what a lot I have to be thankful for, even though my life was tragic & I see it could have been worse. :) As I starting reading your preface, "Skyler...18-year-old prime suspect in the Hance murder case, I was in shock that it was to this proportion, even. :) "...after four year of running away, I can finally accept my crime...the officer hunted me down...BANG" :) - what an ending of a preface. :) Prologue, so the twins are Sara & Len :) - I have a twin brother, so take this kinda personal :) - Sara intervening with Len & Skyler & the golden gun went off. ch.3: Skyler's parents killed in a car accident, so the orphanage, then the twins come & adoption just for Sara, so they ran away in ch.7, then ch.8, losing Sara & finding her with Leah Darjeeling in ch.9 & taking them in at the motel, buying them clothes, & then ch.12 in a limo on their way to introduce them to her husband and her home. :) I have read & commented on your book & will back it as soon as space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated it :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) I would really appreciate it because I have been trying for almost a year to be chosen in the top 5 of the editor's desk & was #4 on 1-1-11, but 2 people passed me so I ended up #6 on January 31, so am trying to be chosen in the top 5 February 28 & need backings to hold me in to be chosen, so need your help. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists & the longer on our bookshelves, the more they move up :)

Hi Arlynn, I'm impressed. Honestly haven't said that very often here, though I'm new and haven't read a ton of the books. Nonetheless, I'll put this one on my watchlist. Good premise and captivating! Good luck with it.
If you have the inclination, take a look at Echo and let me know what you think. :~) Raechel

Thank you, and I'm glad you were impressed. I have the inclination and will take a look at Echo this weekend.

Hi Arlynn, I'm impressed. Honestly haven't said that very often here, though I'm new and haven't read a ton of the books. Nonetheless, I'll put this one on my watchlist. Good premise and captivating! Good luck with it.
If you have the inclination, take a look at Echo and let me know what you think. :~) Raechel

I think you have a great premise for an intriguing story. One thing you need to do is clean up the grammar and punctuation with a good in-depth edit. Good luck!

Arlynn,
No Nonsense has one of those delightfully youthful narrators you would want to know, but the story he relays is one I would never want to experience outside of reading this riveting narrative. You have crafted a sensational tale which has great appeal to youthful readers and some older ones too. Rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

This is a very intriguing premise and so far what I have read is quite well written and compelling. Fix a few things in your pitch which is what will grab the reader or lose the reader, i.e. (A) victim..., trust (to- take out) one another, just as they sta(r)t ..., period should go after haunt them(.) , and begin again with Just...but that sentence needs to be fixed. Break the pitch up into three sections so we can breathe in between. Otherwise this is a great story! You have a gifted imagination and Im shelving this because Id buy this book.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Thank you for the feedback; I was rushing when I wrote it (I was excited to finally post on this site) that I forgot to proof-read. I will make the changes and I am glad you like my story so far.

This is a very intriguing premise and so far what I have read is quite well written and compelling. Fix a few things in your pitch which is what will grab the reader or lose the reader, i.e. (A) victim..., trust (to- take out) one another, just as they sta(r)t ..., period should go after haunt them(.) , and begin again with Just...but that sentence needs to be fixed. Break the pitch up into three sections so we can breathe in between. Otherwise this is a great story! You have a gifted imagination and Im shelving this because Id buy this book.

Liz
The Cheech Room

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it - read & commented on 7 days later :)