REBIRTH ~Book 1 of The Phoenix Sorcerer Trilogy

Hi Richard. Sorry for the long wait. Here’s my crit from the Alliance of Worldbuilders list. You should know how I do my reviews, so take everything with a dose of salt. Don’t hesitate to bite back if you think I’m out of order in any way.

Chapter 1

1. First thing that bothered me was the repetition of the name Bagathar. Try “he” or “him” from time to time. That helps the reader get inside the POV. It’s a criticism that was directed at my own work, and a polish did it no end of good. It would work here too.

2. I think you should start with Bagathar kneeling in the dark, before revealing that he kneels before the Crusader who cannot be seen. There’s a slight contradiction in the first two sentences that stopped me just diving in.

3. I like your punchy style, but I’d like to find out a bit more about the Crusader, who is clearly described as evil but has a name indicating (at least from some cultural points of view) a good person. I’d like the juxtaposition to be clarified and a touch more backstory.

4. I’d like to find out more about Bagathar. He is named and hence important, but what is he? A guard, a councellor, a minion, a herald? He just seems to run errands, but I’m sure that’s not the impression you want to project. He has a point of view about his master, and the balls to lie to him. A bit more info there too, please.

5. “organisation’s strongest” – sorry apostrophes are a bugbear of mine.

6. Love the sand surfing. Very neat. And the stone tarantulas. And the pyrotechnic hair. You have some excellent ideas for magic. Thumbs up here!

7. Any way of weaving the comments on the battle worthiness of Goblins and the quest of world domination of the Sable Sages into Kaladar’s thoughts? After all he has an opinion about killing children, so his opinion on the information given to the reader should be interesting to have.

8. “how good Kaladar and his goblin sidekick were.”

9. “Fear ran down his leg, warm and wet.” What? Come on, a bit more opposition please. That hit was all too easy. Not even a hint of fighting back? Didn’t Toarris have some basic training or something?

10. “side of his head” should be “size?”

Chapter 2

1. This was a slightly bland chapter, I’m afraid. Ammaur has very little to do, peering out of a window, accepting without challenge to carry a letter (a letter?) to his order with a newly minted prophecy. My sympathy is with Kaladar for the moment.

2. I’m getting the impression that the sequence of events in this chapter were set out first in summary form and then developed a little more. This happens, then that happens, and then a futher thing happens. There’s not much drama in it all. The events seem all to be accepted at face value, with very little comment or opinion (Kaladar and Bagathar both had views on what they were doing). There’s a need for a little more tension, a little more drama.

3. This chapter also needs a good proofread. A few present tenses creep in, a few missing words and a few iffy word choices jar a little (don’t rely on spell checkers). A bit of spit and polish required.

Chapter 3

1. Rasda’s betrayal of his order is revealed a little too early and easily I think. That aside, as he is the one who seems to be taking the initiative in interpreting the prophecy for the Monks, should he not say so in his letter (i.e. “I am leading them astray” or something)?

2. “chartering” should be “charting”, “heal” should be “heel”: again a few words that are correctly spelt, but just not the right ones. A proofread needed here.

3. Lots going on in Wythaven, but it’s all over rather quickly and without much drama. A bit more detail, a bit more threat please! The goblins clearly have some potent magic, to make the mages fall out of the sky, but are then easily overcome. If it’s that easy, it’s going to be a cakewalk for the Sable Sages.

4. I found the dialogue a tad arch: “I’m more than ready to return to my bed” for example. I tend to like fantasy that is either gritty or laugh out loud funny. Anything in between is uncomfortable, as in laughing at rather than laughing with.

Overall, first impressions are good. This is a traditional fantasy (goblins, elves etc.) but you have enough distinctive imagination to make a name for yourself. A little quality control is needed. Your writing is very good, but there are a few homophones creeping in that jar. The pace is very fast, which is good, but it does feel a little like a summary of events and there’s not enough depth. I’m wanting to know more about the MC’s reactions and thoughts, to get to know and sympathise with him. For the moment my vote still goes to Kaladar.

Cheers, TRM

As I read, there were a few things I thought could be improved. First, the overuse of Bagathar was too much. In fact, you have a tendency to use proper names quite frequently. Don't hesitate to use pronouns on occasion.

Some of your dialogue tags felt unnecessary, which slowed down the pacing of the opening conversation. Where possible, trim your tags.

Should it be: "...pay a visit to the village of Jastov"?

The paragraph starting, "Kaladar recruited..." has tense issues. You switch to the present tense, which is fine considering the context, but you ditch it midway. "Plus, goblin magic is very vicious" is present tense, but "Goblins were great in battles" is past tense. So the goblins are no longer great in battle? Make sure you're consistent here.

This could use some polish. Cut unnecessary words (weak words, adjectives, adverbs). On occasion you say more than is necessary. This would flow more smoothly if polished.

Should be: "...wasn't far off from the Tower..."

Loved the idea of sand surfing.

Not sure what to make of "covering the both the black-clothed companions."

Though I like the idea of Griddit's dialect, his words are nearly indecipherable. Possibly make them easier to translate? Just a thought.

There are some really nicely done descriptions in here. They create a vivid image of the world.

Nice immediacy when we enter Toarris' perspective.

I wonder if you start the story too soon. The opening scene felt unnecessary. This information could easily be inferred from the later scenes with just a hair more effort. I found the subsequent sections to be more effective in hooking me, so the sooner you can get to them, the better off you're going to be. In fact, I really loved it when they arrived in Jastov. I almost wonder if you can start with them entering the town? Maybe we start in Toarris' perspective?

"Fear ran down his leg, warm and wet." Are you really implying that he peed himself? That's what it sounds like. Gross.

Finding Toarris felt too easy. How come it was so easy? Could there be a greater struggle? Some conflict to grab your readers' attention?

The fantasy world is intriguing. Well done.

At the end of the first chapter, I had mixed feelings. There was little that grabbed my interest early on, but by the end, I was hooked and wanting more. There are areas where you demonstrate your gift for writing. With more polish and some reconsidering of the opening, this could be a very strong fantasy novel. Best of luck!

Its like keeping the banks busy enough before they ruin your salary. Much liked... :)

Hi Richard. Sorry for the long wait. Here’s my crit from the Alliance of Worldbuilders list. You should know how I do my reviews, so take everything with a dose of salt. Don’t hesitate to bite back if you think I’m out of order in any way.

Chapter 1

1. First thing that bothered me was the repetition of the name Bagathar. Try “he” or “him” from time to time. That helps the reader get inside the POV. It’s a criticism that was directed at my own work, and a polish did it no end of good. It would work here too.

2. I think you should start with Bagathar kneeling in the dark, before revealing that he kneels before the Crusader who cannot be seen. There’s a slight contradiction in the first two sentences that stopped me just diving in.

3. I like your punchy style, but I’d like to find out a bit more about the Crusader, who is clearly described as evil but has a name indicating (at least from some cultural points of view) a good person. I’d like the juxtaposition to be clarified and a touch more backstory.

4. I’d like to find out more about Bagathar. He is named and hence important, but what is he? A guard, a councellor, a minion, a herald? He just seems to run errands, but I’m sure that’s not the impression you want to project. He has a point of view about his master, and the balls to lie to him. A bit more info there too, please.

5. “organisation’s strongest” – sorry apostrophes are a bugbear of mine.

6. Love the sand surfing. Very neat. And the stone tarantulas. And the pyrotechnic hair. You have some excellent ideas for magic. Thumbs up here!

7. Any way of weaving the comments on the battle worthiness of Goblins and the quest of world domination of the Sable Sages into Kaladar’s thoughts? After all he has an opinion about killing children, so his opinion on the information given to the reader should be interesting to have.

8. “how good Kaladar and his goblin sidekick were.”

9. “Fear ran down his leg, warm and wet.” What? Come on, a bit more opposition please. That hit was all too easy. Not even a hint of fighting back? Didn’t Toarris have some basic training or something?

10. “side of his head” should be “size?”

Chapter 2

1. This was a slightly bland chapter, I’m afraid. Ammaur has very little to do, peering out of a window, accepting without challenge to carry a letter (a letter?) to his order with a newly minted prophecy. My sympathy is with Kaladar for the moment.

2. I’m getting the impression that the sequence of events in this chapter were set out first in summary form and then developed a little more. This happens, then that happens, and then a futher thing happens. There’s not much drama in it all. The events seem all to be accepted at face value, with very little comment or opinion (Kaladar and Bagathar both had views on what they were doing). There’s a need for a little more tension, a little more drama.

3. This chapter also needs a good proofread. A few present tenses creep in, a few missing words and a few iffy word choices jar a little (don’t rely on spell checkers). A bit of spit and polish required.

Chapter 3

1. Rasda’s betrayal of his order is revealed a little too early and easily I think. That aside, as he is the one who seems to be taking the initiative in interpreting the prophecy for the Monks, should he not say so in his letter (i.e. “I am leading them astray” or something)?

2. “chartering” should be “charting”, “heal” should be “heel”: again a few words that are correctly spelt, but just not the right ones. A proofread needed here.

3. Lots going on in Wythaven, but it’s all over rather quickly and without much drama. A bit more detail, a bit more threat please! The goblins clearly have some potent magic, to make the mages fall out of the sky, but are then easily overcome. If it’s that easy, it’s going to be a cakewalk for the Sable Sages.

4. I found the dialogue a tad arch: “I’m more than ready to return to my bed” for example. I tend to like fantasy that is either gritty or laugh out loud funny. Anything in between is uncomfortable, as in laughing at rather than laughing with.

Overall, first impressions are good. This is a traditional fantasy (goblins, elves etc.) but you have enough distinctive imagination to make a name for yourself. A little quality control is needed. Your writing is very good, but there are a few homophones creeping in that jar. The pace is very fast, which is good, but it does feel a little like a summary of events and there’s not enough depth. I’m wanting to know more about the MC’s reactions and thoughts, to get to know and sympathise with him. For the moment my vote still goes to Kaladar.

Cheers, TRM

chapter 1: I like the names and the sand surfing. It
sets the mood for the story wonderfully. The goblin is a memorable character.
the other magic is quite imaginative.

grammar nits:
don't need very in front of vicious,
to travel [on foot]
today -> tonight
are the fairies -> were
stone[s] into four piles of
they didn't light anything to leave the town a ruin.

opinion:
para 1: Bagathar in every sentence bothered me.
we need a description of him, race, job, something.
this is the gateway character. Ditto for the Crusader

Scott Rhine (Foundation for the Lost)

Can you please tell me if this gets published? It's very much one I'd love to buy!

In the second sentence, I think you mean "respectfully," rather than "respectively." Also, the line, "Plus, goblin magic is vicious," seems like a throwaway line that doesn't do much. Notwithstanding, this opening is much stronger than the opening of the other book you had posted and demonstrates your evolution as a writer. Keep up the good work.

Hi
impressive work. All the best with your book.

S.Vinay kumar,
10 roses for love

Happy to back this very enjoyable read.

Alison

Dear Richard, Well, here I am reading & commenting on your 4th book :) - I'm so excited that it is a trilogy because I always hate for stories to end & when they do, I love "happy ever after" endings. :) I love your idea of Sable sages & that "they are harsh and forgive none who trespass against them" & smiled at irony of it, even, & creating "the ultimate weapon" sounds exciting & can "the monks keep the weapon out of the hands of their enemies long enough for him to fulfill his task?" as your pitch portrays. :) WOW!! - being the phoenix would be something else, already & I smiled again :) - most of all, I love your imagination in your writing. :) Great tight dialogue & paragraphs & exciting fantasy to move me right through to ch.7 & your black squirrel, which I just love & would love to even see it. :) I didn't know that sable means black, so I even learned something new. :) Okay, I'm ready for more. :) I have now read & commented on, & gold ******-rated your 4 books. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. could you please back my memoirs/testimony book & keep it on your shelf to help me be chosen in the top 5 of the editor's desk Feb. 28? :) I would be ever so grateful. :)
I LOVE YOUR BOOK COVER :) - DID YOU DRAW THIS ONE, TOO? :)

Thanks for your super-quick response to my message! Authonomy appears to be having technical problems at the moment, and I can’t access my page or the Books page, but I finally managed to find my way to this book via a very convoluted route. So here goes …

Chapter 1. You’ve got some clever turns of phrase here and some unusual descriptions that bring the action alive. I particularly liked ‘Fear ran down his leg, warm and wet’, ‘A twinkle of fatherhood ruined his otherwise red eyes’. Sand surfing also sounds pretty cool :-)

I spotted a few errors (e.g. I think you mean respectfully rather than respectively in the first para, and later on you can’t ‘pay the repercussions’ – you suffer the repercussions, or pay the price) but on the whole it’s cleanly written. The dialogue is short and snappy, which suits the tone of the book.

You occasionally flip into present tense, which gives the impression that you (the narrator) are a character in your own book imparting information about the world – e.g. ‘goblins aren’t the easiest race to befriend’, ‘then there are the fairies’ – is this intentional? If not, switching to past tense would make it into Kaladar’s observation rather than yours.

Kaladar didn’t come across as very likeable, but I guess that’s the intention – that we will see him change over the course of the book. It makes a change to have someone so hard-hearted as the MC, but I’d want to see a softer side of him quite quickly, I think, if I was going to keep reading. Just my personal preference.

I don’t think I’d bother with the short switch to Toarris’ POV, since he’s going to die a few minutes later anyway, but it’s your book. (And of course, removing it would also remove one of my favourite lines :-)

Authonomy won’t let me go on to chapter 2 or access my bookshelf (arrgh), but I’ll spin by again tomorrow when (hopefully) the site returns to normal.

**Spoiler Alert if you're reading this first.**
This reminds me of novels I read back in high school by authors such as Jeff Grubb and J. Robert King. The character and world building is excellent, and your inclusion of Kaladar as the pheonix sorcerer at the end was unexpected but very cool.

On a techincal aspect, you have some places where you try to blend present with past tense, which can make the reading a bit rough. Also, consider using more descriptive references to characters. A paragraph where every sentence starts with Bagathar, for example (this drawing from the first chapter, but there's a little of it in each) gets monotonous at times. All in all, a wonderful read, I'm happy to back it.