Soul Passage

Read the first chapter and although it wasnt my usual read i found myself enjoying it. the great thing about this site is it gives you a chance to step out of your comfort zone and broaden your horizons by reading stories you would normally pass by in a book store.
I like how you gave a lot of in depth back knowledge of Mike even though the information about him made me not like him. normally an author tries to get you to relate and like the main character right off but i found that my dislike of Mike made me want to keep reading (and giving him a swift kick in the butt for his womanizing ways)
This is certainly a challenging read making the reader constantly think and rethink certain passages.
I have given you a high rating and will come back to read more.

Amanda

Michael,
I read the synopsis and first two chapters of Soul Passage and can see this is a deep philosophical work of fiction. The Science of Existence is one I have never come across before, but the Parallel Universe concept is one I remember from The Beach starring Leonardo DiCaprio. This story would certainly have appeal to younger readers who have an interest in philosophy, but the deepness of the concepts are clearly intended for intelligent readers with an interest in philosophical principles. I remember dropping a class in Philosophy in college and later remarking it's a non-profit major. Philosophy exists as a college major because some people are truly interested in it and many readers of fantasy would fall into this category.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Hi
Thanks for your mesage - I have read the first three chapters and from what I have read this is brillant
Your plot and central ideas are extremely well constructed and allow your story to flow really well
I particularly enjoyed Mike's backstory and the underlying narrative of his shady psycharist
Well done and good luck
Steph

You've put a lot of thought and creativity into this story Michael, and it shows. Clever plotting and very good narrative. Might be a little too highbrow for commercial markets but as an ambitious work of literary art, challenging perception and questioning conventional wisdom, I think this is an excellent story. Backed when I can find a space, best of luck.

Jack Hughes

I found this it be intriguing and well written. The focus is on the big questions, but you have approached it from below - from the everyday world of your characters. I feel that I ought to keep an eye on this one.

Read the first chapter and although it wasnt my usual read i found myself enjoying it. the great thing about this site is it gives you a chance to step out of your comfort zone and broaden your horizons by reading stories you would normally pass by in a book store.
I like how you gave a lot of in depth back knowledge of Mike even though the information about him made me not like him. normally an author tries to get you to relate and like the main character right off but i found that my dislike of Mike made me want to keep reading (and giving him a swift kick in the butt for his womanizing ways)
This is certainly a challenging read making the reader constantly think and rethink certain passages.
I have given you a high rating and will come back to read more.

Amanda

I read throught the first two chapters and I can tell that this is the kind of book that expands the mind. This is a deep story and if I had one complaint it would be that your pitch does not convey the true gravity of the book. Thanks so much for the opportunity to read it.

This isn't really my genre, but the concept is interesting and your pitch encouraged me to read on.
You're writing is good, although it feels rather heavy. I understand this is your style, but perhaps it would be easier to digest if it were broken up with some dialogue?
Just a thought - feel free to ignore.

I'll give you a spin on my shelf soon.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Hi
Thanks for your mesage - I have read the first three chapters and from what I have read this is brillant
Your plot and central ideas are extremely well constructed and allow your story to flow really well
I particularly enjoyed Mike's backstory and the underlying narrative of his shady psycharist
Well done and good luck
Steph

Hey! Sorry for not commenting sooner, but I managed to read a few chapters of Soul Passage and really enjoyed what I have encountered so far. You have a cool idea - I love the short pitch! Your writing is great and you have a way of intriguing the reader into wanting to know more. My only criticism would be I felt I couldn't connect with Mike as much as I wanted to. Your story flows well, but there is a lot of "telling" us what's happened, when you could perhaps "show" more and let us get there ourselves. Overall though - this is a unique and enjoyable read. Good luck with it :)

SOUL PASSAGE

Hello, here is my part of our first chapter read swap. My initial thought after reading your long pitch, is what is a professional reader and where do you find them? ☺ I think I need to take this up as my profession. Anyways, have to mention I love the cover too. I may be biased since Bradley Wind did my cover as well. He’s very talented! Anyways, take what I say with a grain of salt. Take what rings true and pitch the rest.

Here are the comments over your first chapter:

You obviously have a talent for telling a story. You either have REAL talent or you’ve been writing for quite some time. You seem to have a natural flow to the narrative that makes the read easy to fall into. I love stories that seem to transport you to the world that the author creates and that is what you did. I like the character developemtn that we are getting through Mike. You do this in a subtle manner though his reactions to events, that show and don’t tell us about his personality and behavior. I enjoyed your writing style and look forward to reading more. My one critique would be to try and cut down the first chapter. It did seem to be a little long towards the end. Other than that nicely done! 6 stars from me!

Best,

Ashley
“Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket”

Mike is a deep character. He's not exactly likable because he shirks his responsibilities as a family man and follows in the footsteps of his own poor father, but he's tough and his hard upbringing provides a reason for his actions.

Your writing is strong and the plot is compelling and unique.

Good work. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

good flow writing...good pace, easy to read style that helps the book...
this is on my watchlist for now...
read SEASONS...

You've put a lot of thought and creativity into this story Michael, and it shows. Clever plotting and very good narrative. Might be a little too highbrow for commercial markets but as an ambitious work of literary art, challenging perception and questioning conventional wisdom, I think this is an excellent story. Backed when I can find a space, best of luck.

Jack Hughes

Hello,

I took a quick read in response to your message, and for me this book feels a little hard to "get in to." You used general words such as Life to refrence characters which can get a bit messy and hard for people to distinguish the characters in their minds. Remember this is just my opinion and on your part it is also stylistic which for some people their style makes them :)

Hey Michael

Quick breeze through of CH4 as promised – bit limited for time at the moment.

The first sentence, I think can be chopped down to make it a bit slicker. If you remove the ‘tall’ after his measurements it will take out the repetition I think. You mention twice that Ronnie’s dad left and never came back, so I do think you could remove one of the references.

‘True to his word, Jimmy had a word with his father’ – the ‘word’ feels repetitive

‘That is where their building finished’ – was this meant to be ‘building work’?

Oscar and Terry – I thought Terry was a person until a bit later on. It’s an unusual name for a dog, can’t help thinking it would have been handy if you’d have mentioned it was a dog when you said they were walking together...

I have to say I prefer the chapters where you’re talking about ‘human beings’. Still can’t see a tangible link to ‘Life’ etc, but I’ll read on when I get another block of time and hopefully it’ll all make sense!

Nat

Hi Michael

OK, I’ve read a little more. I would say (if I haven’t already – I’m writing this comment off site) that it really needs more dialogue in my opinion. I’m all for narrative, I love it in fact, but I do think it’s a little bit too much narrative and backstory with regards to Mike.

The only other thing I would say, is that I’m still waiting to understand how Mike and Life and Mordigal are linked at this point having now read all of his chapter (which is a pretty long one btw), so I’ve almost already forgot what your opening chapters are about. I’m a little confused if I’m honest. I have the feeling I’d have to read a fair bit more of this before the links start to appear, and ordinarily that wouldn’t be a problem, but it’s not something I can commit to at the moment. From an appeal point of view, I would have thought it would make sense to make these links more apparent in the first three chapters, even if it means cutting the backstory and placing it a little further in, but that is just my opinion.

Hope I’ve been some help, anyway...

Silva

Hi Michael

Interesting start here with Life. I liked it, but it did confuse me sometimes when I'd read a sentence and think 'that makes no sense' until I re-read it remembering that Life was 'his' name and not life as in - the meaning of life. You have some commas where I don't think they need to be, an example is in the last paragraph of 'Life' after 'had.

Mordigal's hierarchy

I'm a teensy bit disappointed we're not with Mike at the start here, though that may be because I don't primarily read fantasy, and Mike sounds human so more familiar to me. Conjoined realities - this feels a little familiar, but only because I watch Fringe and so can visualise two universes and the havoc that can be caused should they ever overlap. If that's what you mean of course. Have to say, a lot of this chapter went over my head, but I'm not that smart, so could be why.

Emergence

Mike! Finally! :) His backstory is a little long, I think, but in terms of his character he's very much the kind of hero I'd expect in terms of his harsh upbringing and loner-like qualities, but I'm not sure I like him so much. He seems like an empty shell - nothing inside of him at all. Your sentence that he was mentally questionable is spot on.

Hod carrier? What's that?

Can't read any more now, my eyes are going nuts so I'll read more tomorrow

Silva

Your writing is eloquent and you set a very interesting stage up front. Good job engaging the reader with a unique perspective right off the bat. Watch your comma usage just a little - there are some places where they shouldn't be, and others where they are lacking. But - engaging and enjoyable :) Backed!

Harper Alexander
Author of 'Bounty'

This story, after an almost biblical prologue, at first takes on a serious tone, accentuated by a lack of dialogue. But then it develops into a quirky, fanciful and rather lighthearted tale about interplay between a realm inhabited by tree spirits and the mundane human world. McKeown has a playful way of jumbling the sequence of events a bit, flashing back to pick up pieces of the story that have been outpaced by other parts. All in all, more entertaining than the reader might initially expect. I've read about 2/3 and will no doubt read to the end. The truth about the shadowy lover who changed Mike's life has yet to be revealed. Jim

Soul Passage.
By Michael J. McKeown.

A very deep story here with a psychological theme to it.
Mike’s upbringing, with enforced violence by his father, the intention... to instil confidence...to be a cut above others.
The result? A violent adult with a chip on his shoulder, bearing a grudge against society...a loaner unable to gain real friendship... or offer it.
A succession of women are just chattels on his own level.
Readers can have a different interaction with this book; such is the way it comes over.
It’s well written...It’s clever writing, I liked it but it’s not an easy read – but it’s good.
I haven’t read it all but will get back for more, I’m determined to finish it...it’s one of those books.
It’s worthy of many stars!! Backed!!

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Once I got past the names I found this book very interesting and well written. Love the line the minds of many beings form the fabric of reality. Well done. I have rated this book well.
Red

I appreciate the tongue-in-cheek style of the book, but what I found most compelling was Mike's relationship with his father and how that plays into his behavior and thus the storyline for the book. I would like to see starting with that chapter as I found it more interesting. I will put this book on my watch list, but I encourage you to put your strengths in story telling and character building earlier in the manuscript.
Best of luck.
Roberta

Michael,

First off, congratulations on a cracking and fresh idea, I love the deep philosophical feel to your story. I have read chapter’s one, two and three and the tale is carried along smartly with an interesting character set.
The opening shows life pondering the nature of his own existence and leading us into the wider tale. Chapter two introduces Mordigarl and his place in things, his knowledge and the recording of all he knows. Chapter three introduces the main protagonist Mike and for me, is the strongest chapter.
I feel you have a good strong tale here, one well worth telling, one with engaging characters and if I didn’t think it was worth further reading I would stop now and close by wishing you well.
However, this is a very good story so it deserves constructive criticism as well as a mere review of content. Thing is Michael, and I mean this sincerely, it’s not just some glib off the cuff comment, you need to take a fresh look at some sections of text with a view to editing the sentence structure a little. No big thing but it needs doing. Read it out aloud and you will pick it up straight away. Here is one example: for many years however, he had been wrestling with from where his supremacy had come. A better way would be to simply rearrange it as: for many years however, he had been wrestling with where his supremacy had come from. Or for many years however, he had been wrestling with where his supremacy came from.
Don’t be disheartened by this. If you apply the same narrative brush over the whole of your manuscript you will have a masterpiece because the concept is spot on, as are the characters. Remember no book is written, every book is re-written.
Unlike many on here, your story is worth the advice and worth the effort on your part to tweak it that last little bit.
I will be rating this highly and it’s on my watch list pending space on my shelf.

Well done and the very best of luck with Soul Passage.

Rob

Michael,
I read the synopsis and first two chapters of Soul Passage and can see this is a deep philosophical work of fiction. The Science of Existence is one I have never come across before, but the Parallel Universe concept is one I remember from The Beach starring Leonardo DiCaprio. This story would certainly have appeal to younger readers who have an interest in philosophy, but the deepness of the concepts are clearly intended for intelligent readers with an interest in philosophical principles. I remember dropping a class in Philosophy in college and later remarking it's a non-profit major. Philosophy exists as a college major because some people are truly interested in it and many readers of fantasy would fall into this category.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Michael, I read chapter 1 and chapter 5 to get a sense of your writing and story telling. I think you do a very good job telling the story, chapter 1 especially captured my attention. This kind of book is not my cup of tea, but nevertheless I did find it interesting. Have you ever read your book outloud? I found that it made writing conversation and some sentence structure easier to edit. Good luck to you, you have an original story and it should do well.

Susan
The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon island

As a writer of YA fantasy, I thought I would take a look at your work. This is deffinately for the Adult market. Although not something I would particularly purchase to read, I know my husband would. Your sentence structure is very good, there are no unnecessary adverbs or messy adjectives, which is perfect for the market you are writing for. I also like your characterisation, and the way that you build up the characters is good. They seem aptly named for this genre and a basis for each character to grow is established early on. I think this is good work. If you are in any doubt that yours is not being aimed accuately, take a look at my own YA work. You'll soon see the difference in why this is aimed correctly! As long as your protagonist is a person that the intended reader can identify with, in some ways, if not all, then it's bang on!!

Mae
'Ignited'

I write fantasy for adults but my books are always set in modern, urban, everyday worlds. All that info is to say that I may not be your best critic. I found this hard to follow. In fact, I wasn't crazy with the characterization of Life. It's interesting to personify him, but I didn't like his personality. Structurally, I think the opening paragraph needs more of a hook and needs to be shortened, maybe seperated into two paragraphs. Your premise seemed intriguing thought I would encourage you to tweak the summary as well.

Hi I just left the last comment and realised my mistake straight away. You didn't ask if I considered Soul passage to be suitable for younger readers, but you did ask if I thought it was a fantasy for adult readers.
Sorry I got two messages muddled up - how crazy is that?
Anyhow I think you have your answer - I definitely think it's adult!

Hi. I'm replying to your request 'Do you consider my book Soul Passage to be suitable for younger readers?'
My answer is no. The main reason being is, because it is too challenging.
I found your story interesting. You have some great ideas. Visions and other worlds are what I am writing about too. I wish you luck.

I read the first 3 chapters and thought this was a fascinating, though challenging read. The first couple of chapters are deep, philosophical and thought-provoking, then Mike appears in chapter 3. His confrontation with Gypsy John Hart is electrifying. He drifts from woman to woman before meeting Soriya, who makes a deep impression on him. I thought the writing was good, I like the economical style, but some of the paragraphs are much too long. If they were broken down into smaller segments I think this would be an easier read. I also thought there was enough material in c3 to split into 2 or 3 smaller chapters. However, that's just the opinion of an unpublished author. Well-starred and on my WL for further reading as I want to see where this goes. Good luck with this.

M - I like the changes that you have made in your pitch - Why does evil exist, and why do good people suffer - these questions with which you are grappling touch on the core issues of the human condition - excellent hooks -

para beginning with "Meanwhile, the world he believed he had visited, throws out two unlikely characters..." is a little confusing . You may want to simply say something like - Meanwhile, from a parallel universe, two characters emerge. At war with one another, they also have an uncanny interest in Mike and soon his whole family is entwined in a deep mystery.

good work and good luck ~ a

Soul Passage is an existential and stream of consciousness tale for those readers who like a bold, demanding, and at times harsh read ~

I have read though this and rated it stars now - I may change that as I continue reading~ it remains on my watchlist because I am going to read all of it ~ However, looking back at it now, it seems to have changed A LOT - have you been working on your text M?

Hi as promised I have read some more of your novel and will continue to do so as I find the time. The story is great and you held me in chapter 3 right up to the fight, but then you lost me a bit. I'm sure you are familiar with show vs tell and there is case for both, the latter in moderation though.
Chose your words carefully like a sculptor etches and finely sands. I am no expert and have many times found myself the victim of my own advice. I've re written my own novels that many times that I've lost count and I'm still finding things wrong.
Anyway back to Soul passage. A lot of what happens after the fight I feel could be condensed to make it a tighter read. One way you could do this is by breaking your long paragraphs into two or three making the page easier on the eye.
You lose some of the empathy you have built for your MC, it's not easy but try to display his emotions which would draw you closer to him.
Also when you introduce Lauren you sum up her complete relationship with Mike in a single paragraph, then switch back to their first meeting. Sorry, but this isn't working for me. I suggest removing the paragraph and allow the story to unfold. A lot of this is telling and I don't mean to repeat, but show the reader.
You have a compelling story which will draw a reader, but I feel you may need to look at this again. If done right this could be a best seller. I hope I haven't disheartened you, that was not my intention. With work this could be great and nothing would give me greater pleasure than to help your book on to the desk. Good luck and don't give up. I will comment more. Aidan

What I like about the beginning of "Soul Passage"

"And" is such a great way to begin this tale -
The personification and characterization of Life is intriguing
like the physics integrated into the art

Hi
Good plot around relationships. Soon, I will read the book.

Michael,
Have read 3 chapters.
this isn't something that is grabbing me, sorry.
Diane

"Soul Passage" - Michael J. McKeown. I read the 1st two chapters and scanned several comments. Mordigarl's Hierarchy sounds like Mobius Loop logic - could be interesting. Bookshelf for plot and names. Some thoughts: chapter 1 needs some editing: "God" should probably be "god"; "...unthinkable',' but..."; "Hmm, Cospero. I presume...." What's the cousin's name? Suggest you have Life talk with Beaulat rather than muse to himself. Also, you need a hook at the end of chapters to make the reader want to continue reading. Hope this helps.

Gideon ("Thrill Writer's Remorse")

Soul Passage was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. I read the first two chapters of your book. Loved it! Happy to back you. Good Luck!
Sue50

Backed Soul Passage. SciFi i not our favorite genre, but we found your first chapter oringal and compliing. We were hooked by the end of the first paragraph. Good cliffhanger at the end of the chapter setting the stage for what is to come. Will recommend to friends on Authronomy. Hope you will take time to check our our book, Dark Side.
CC Brown

I like how this begins, from the intro: ". . .as disaster begins developing in a world next to our own, characters, both good and evil, from the two worlds manage to collide," to the first chapter discussing the very conundrum of being a deity wherein even bureaucratic strife may exist -- a fascinating premise! Further, Mordigral's theory of the Hierarchy of all Existence is a demonstration of Michael McKeown's depth of philosophical thinking and ability to put it into an understanding and entertaining format. Though not too far into this story, it is a terrific read thus far and promises to continue to be so.

Stars aplenty, and a soon-to-be-place on my shelf!

Justis Call
Snow Bound
Prestidigitations

Hiii!! I started reading this, and thought it was really original! Now, I tell a lot of people to buy this book (a long time ago another person on this site told me to do so and helped a lot) Self- editing for fiction writers by renni browne and dave king. It helps a lot when you get to the editing part :)
Remember that you have to show and not tell, which youre doing at the beginning, yeah I know, it makes you roll your eyes every time someone says this (they used to tell me all the time) but really, they're right. When you're reading something you don't want to read enormous paragraphs full of narration, you want to see things. Apart from that, I thought this was really creative and different from anything I've ever read before :)
Lots of luck=D
I truly hope I've helped in some way.. :)

Hi read the first chapter.
The writing needs a bit of editing and there is the odd clumsy sentence to contend with too.
The first part of the chapter is all tell and you need to change that to hook the reader into wanting to read the next chapter. If it was me, I would probably ditch the first half and let the reader pick all of that up as they go along. I would start at 'Life continued....' Throw in some of the information about Cosperrow inside the dialogue.
Best of luck with this, it could become a really good read.

I found this story interesting and was forced to read on by its strangeness. In your first two chapters the political slant you place on a heavenly hierarchy makes me think of a king and his court, and in some respects a court comprised of the horsemen of the Apocalypse. It has a medieval feel to it.
By Chapter 3 it shows you have a real gift with the written word. You can empathise with Mike, about his father and when he was finally forced to make a stand at the dance. This I felt was written from the heart. In my opinion you are a formidable story teller. I will post more as I read. Aidan

I wish i could come up with such great names! An interesting storyline and good characters. A little general editing and tightening in places will help to make it shine.
Good luck.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

Its a good story and I shall have it on my watchlist for sure. Some of your words are interesting especially the word Destructicidal. I've never heard the word before but it grabbed me. The characters themselves and indeed there names remind me of Shakespeare, Cosperrow stands out as something that Will would have came up with. Was it an intention, because at times the writing was sort of Old English with a modern twist which is a good thing. You certainly can write well so keep up the style. Forgive me if I talk a load of crap ha

David Whelan
The Silent Saga Book 1 : Desolate

I found this it be intriguing and well written. The focus is on the big questions, but you have approached it from below - from the everyday world of your characters. I feel that I ought to keep an eye on this one.

Be encouraged that you have done a great job with this book.

I find reading your book very interesting. It almost feels like reading a bit of revelation in the bible; witch it self is a challenge to read. I love the way that in this unique way have personified famine, decide disaster, pestilence, war into this person Consperrow. This great fire that is roaring in front of Life, makes me think about the hell that is going happening on several places on earth today. I do think you write very good, it is captivating because the way you describe the characters in your story most inner thoughts
Laila

This tale begins as allegory and we are introduced to the characters of Life, Cosperrow and Modigarl. We then hear of the heirarchies of existence, a philosophical concept common to eastern philosophy and religions such as Taoism. The base of the heirarchy, supporting the fabric of existence, are the minds of beings such as men. One of Modigarls tenets is very close to Descartes 'I think therefore I am.' We are then introduced to the human characters, in particular Mike. He has been brought up in the school of hard knocks, physically abused by his ex- boxer father and his biography as related here tells us of a man who is tough physically and hard working, but emotionally distant. He drifts into marriage and fatherhood , but has affairs and drinks heavily as his father did. He is a man without any spiritual inner life until a meeting with a beautiful mystery woman Soriya, and a one night stand. has a profound effect on him, especially when she announces that his is a 'key life.' She disappears but subsequently in a second marriage he begins to have visions of 'grey people' and wonders whether they are hallucinations until his young daughters encounter them as well. They exist in the trees in the garden of his new home. This is a border with a parallel universe and Mike soon visits them in the trees and beyond. Trees and Nature and the disharmony current between man and nature is a theme of this thought provoking work. The mistletoe/Yew relationship represents the man/ human soul as the parasite theme in the pitch. Mike's tale is the main thread and the narrator is frank in detailing this mans emotional and spiritual problems. There is a tendency for the main threads to be diverted into the backstories of the lesser characters although eventually we always return to Mike and his family. The tale is at times difficult and a chapter dealing almost entirely with tree species as human like characters didn't hold my attention. Having being introduced carefully to the three main allegorical characters, by chapter seven I wondered when we were going to hear of them again, particularly the intriguing Cosperrow, a devil like character or fallen angel. This is an ambitious tale and with a careful edit back to the key characters and principle themes could do very well on the site.

Your novel gives a vision of emotion and its power in the daily life of human being, though you have confined the process of characterization in some persons. Mind is a playground and emotions are players. The winners are leading to the victory stand with the life of human being. We can summarize your work so.

Joy j. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire
The Seagulls

I don't care whether it is an 'accepted' thing to do or not but I love that you begin the story with 'And'. It really got me wanting to read it!

Interesting personification of 'Life'. This had quite a philosphical edge to it. It isn't my usual choice of read so what I read I had to read a few times to make sense of. I wasn't sure what you meant by 'his man'- and are the bureaucrats people like you or me?- but I do presume that will be explained more fully shortly. This may not be your desire, but one thing I would have liked from this first chapter is to feel more of a like for 'Life', at the moment I don't care too much about his feelings, but would like to, if that makes sense!
An interesting beginning for sure!