You'll Miss Me When I'm Gone

Hi Thomas this is your BH Crit Group review from inspectorrick. I have to tell you that I don't do spelling mistakes and only grammer that doesn't make sense.
Your pitches seemed choppy and a bit disjointed to me. Having 15 interconnected short stories in the long pitch - I think - might be a bit daunting to some prospective readers.
Characters - I don't know if they are realistic or not.
Style - I'm sorry but this is definitely not my kind of story.
Dialogue - I thought it was good and well paced. There seemed to be a slight detachment between the characters as if they were looking for a way to trust each other that added something to the scenes.
Publishability - There must be a market out there for this kind of work as much as there is for all the rest of the work on this site. Good Luck! Keep Smiling! Rick Carter-Squire, Jack, I Am.

YOU'LL MISS ME WHEN I'M GONE

From the BH group.

COVER: well...seeing as its either being uploaded/approved at the moment or a generic site one, its hard for me to crit heheh...but if it is a generic please contact me or see this thread:
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/51100/free-book-cover-/

TITLE: I like it. Does feel a tiny bit like I've seen it before...quick search...only two with the title on amazon and neither seem likely to have been v popular so youre probably safe

SHORT PITCH: Good, has me interested.
LONG PITCH: You might cut this up into short punchy paragraphs. But it looks okay otherwise.
TEXT: heheh, good cocky ego attitude from the start. This is well written. The bathroom scene took me out of what started to feel like a good tense setting / plot ...into a porn scene and possibly too quickly. But if the focus is on this being Erotica...then I guess that scene is good for the story heh. 3 or 4 Xanax...damn, the dude must've had his memory wiped afterwards. Second chapter there's an odd break/Return after "During" might fix that...
Bah, you know, I'd really dig this more if it wasn't so focused on the sex. You write well and there's some good plot set ups here that I'd want to read more of if not for all the hardcore biz. Sorry.
heheh, had to laugh - "I'm with Jerrrrrry!" but damn shame, I was digging the plot of dead Leonard and you didn't pursue it at all here...just went to the porn place...so my guess is this is more Erotica than LitFic? and then there's that great stuff with the grandmother...
Well..anyway...I think you've got something interesting here. I wonder how they'd sell it...I suppose there is enough in it to make the Erotica market...but probably not the usual buy for the regular readers...and Litfic...I don' t know...I think it needs more steady plot development (at least in these first few chapters to get an agent/editor of litfic to be interested. but what do I know. I'm neither an editor nor an agent. don't listen to me heh. Best of luck with this.
-=Bradley

I enjoyed your story telling. Your dialogue also is very conversational and realistic. Well done. The feedback below is for flow and a crowding.

I wasn’t looking for company. Max was doing lines with another guy in the pool house when Leonard dropped into the seat nest to me. Shouts and laughter rang out from the second story, and even after the sound of breaking glass Leonard wouldn’t look away.

Work on your intuition for details to flow ratio. Avoid sacrificing flow for details. If the details I removed are intrinsic to the story (in other words if they will be important later to the plot) work them in, but do so organically. Add them only when you can do so seamlessly with the rhythm of your story telling voice, which is quite strong accept when you force extra syllables in. Also, link narrative elements together if the clauses are well-balanced when combined (as I did in the edit above).

If you are intent on breaking the passage to enhance a dramatic line, such as” Even after the sound of breaking...” and so forth, then balance the previous line with detail-derived syllables, balancing out short clauses with the rhythm is the most natural place to do so. Hone your intuition for when a sentence “feels” short of the overall rhythm. That way you can work details in organically where they are needed to balance out your sentences.

For example:

Shouts and laughter rang out from the second story ???????. Even after the sound of breaking glass Leonard would not look. About 7 to 9 syllables after “story” would round this sentence out with your rhythm if it is too stand alone. If you choose not to link it to the second clause for dramatic effect, add some brief character development where the question marks are. Avoid choppy or awkward flow by always taking the time to balance your passages out. Remember to count syllables, not words when considering your flow.


I read some of the second chapter also. The were many places where you could improve flow with the above kind of editing and also with tongue placement. My basic feedback is to edit for flow and avoid crowding your sentences with details that do not push your plot forward. Work details into the narrative only where you can fluidly: two flowing sentences is always better than one long one that feels forced. You have a good story here—both compelling and vivid—and your overall voice is strong. I will support you and I wish you the best of luck with your manuscript.


blueboy

ps...I think pool house is two words, but don't quote me.

There are many erotica books out there but this one is done exceptionally well. Quite a gripping read so far! Shelved for next few days.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Just read this and will jot down some impressions.

-So, I really enjoyed it. Your writing is smooth and very readable and the dialogue is great, especially in the first chapter it really carries you along.

-Shame about Leonard, I had actually expected him to develop into a great character.

-The sex scenes in chapters 1 and 3 are in turns both intense and very funny. The virtual sex thing in chapter 5 is just hilarious.

-I spotted a typo in chapter 1: "You should have heard what I said when asked me."

-I got a little confused as to who was who at the start but that soon works itself out.

-What else? Not much, other than to say good luck with this. Glad to see it's picked u some backings already.

-Btw, I've added You'll Miss Me When I'm Gone as a recommendation on the new books thread:
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/65355/new-books/?pagenumber=29#AnchorComment

Cheers,

Ross

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it :)

I saw your message on the forum. Your book's pitch sounded interesting so I had a look at your first chapter, and thought it was very well-written. The story carried me all the way through without any hiccups and kept my interest. I thought the characters were well done. I was surprised when Leonard topped himself, thinking he was going to be a stalker. But instead he ended up as a much sadder character. Although Darren blew up at him, I still liked his character, and thought he was nicely portrayed. Max was also a distinctive character, and I think he will prove to be one of the more lively characters in your story. So far what I've read makes me want to continue on, so I'll comment on the next chapter when I get some more free time.

All the best - Marita.

P.S. I liked the comment about the pink dress as well as the relation between Darren's physique and the landscape (like a landscape after a snowfall).