Schooling of a Monster

Hi Stefani

I really like this read, poor old Micah, I like that he is such a nervous charater, an unlikely slayer!! Delia is such a tough charater and doesn't hold back, it makes for a good mix of personilties as well as bringing humour to the read. Your writing style is very good.

Shelved
Helena
A Load of Rubbish

Stefani, I've not bothered looking at your (very) old comments as I see you've recently edited. I love the cover and the pitches are very effective. I was intrigued by the 'infamous' Delia and her reputation for killing off her trainees.
The opening introduces several young characters and it will be Micah, a somewhat unlikely hero, who will drive the main thrust of the narrative. I've read four chapters and this would appear to be perfect for the lucrative YA readership, young characters, vampires and zombies, all the buzz words for this age-group are here. In chapter four I was pleased to see the anticipated partnership of Delia and Micah taking off, complete with a reminder of the pitch in the admonition to Delia, ' Let's try and actually train this one, not just get him killed.' Excellent. So much more to anticipate in that intriguing premise. Backed.
Jared (Mummy's Boy).

This writer has talent. I loved what I have read so far and will be returning. Great storyline and great skill.

BACKED

Hope you get the chancde to peek inside The Russian Hat!

warm wishes
Brendan

An excellent ear for dialogue, and an intriguing mash-up of ideas and tropes. Micah is sympathetic and the school for assassins makes a nice twist on the preternatural premise that's so popular currently. At the risk of sounding patronising, you might want to watch your comma usage. There are several comma splices just in the first couple of chapters, and they can make the prose sound clunky.

This came highly recommended by several friends and they were SO right.
Backed.

Thank you very much Paul. I tend to reread and reread a thousand times and yet having an unbiased eye is always better. I will have a few other people take a look over it to see if anything can be fixed and look it over again myself. Thanks again, I always appreciate an honest critique.

Stefani

Stefani, I was initially drawn by your excellent cover.

As I read, I enjoyed your imagination and feel you have strong potential here. If I can offer some suggestions...

The first page is critical, especially on authonomy, so work as hard as possible to make sure it and the following pages, are polished and professional. I know I tend to do overviews of my work, returning to it over and over again, but that doesn’t work here. If a floating agent sees an MS that needs work, he’ll probably just ignore it. So, editing is critical and do an intense one starting from the beginning. Yours is good, but it still needs some minor work.

Watch for repetition. Par. 2 introduces the “young man, with short...” The next sentence starts again with “The young man...” This type of repetition is unnecessary and gives the idea the MS needs work. “He...” is perfectly fine, as it appears this will be Mr. Levensque’s POV.

It was nice to see you bring some realism to another vampire story. The vampires being introduced, the FBI, CIA... this is good, because if a person can’t believe the story, it won’t work. I usually shy away from anything vampire because it is so overdone, but you brought this in slowly.

Dialogue is good. Watch for repetition again. Anything that doesn’t add to the story should be cut out. In the par. that starts with He watched her...you have a misplaced comma. It should be a period (details, first page important) “God how he adored this woman” needs to be re-written. “...Mel Tisha was incredibly out of his league. (Compared to his league hers wasn’t even visible).” Delete this last sentence? You already said that just before. It doesn’t add to the story, but instead does two things: Slows it down; and dumbs it down and tells the reader what he ‘should’ be thinking. One rule of writing is to treat your reader with respect and the smarts you know he or she has. Presume your reader knows how to feel as he reads the obvious.

There’s a list that has helped me as I continue to edit my work (on my 7th). It’s a ‘do / do not’ list, and I found that reading this brought big changes.
http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=102594

Hope this helps!
Keep working at this! Sorry for the critique, but I only give it to work that I think has real potential! And remember, it’s ONLY my opinion, and it can be right or wrong.
Backed
Paul
We’ve Seen the Enemy

A vampire slayer who squeaks... interesting and original. Backed.

Stefani, I was initially drawn by your excellent cover.

As I read, I enjoyed your imagination and feel you have strong potential here. If I can offer some suggestions...

The first page is critical, especially on authonomy, so work as hard as possible to make sure it and the following pages, are polished and professional. I know I tend to do overviews of my work, returning to it over and over again, but that doesn’t work here. If a floating agent sees an MS that needs work, he’ll probably just ignore it. So, editing is critical and do an intense one starting from the beginning. Yours is good, but it still needs some minor work.

Watch for repetition. Par. 2 introduces the “young man, with short...” The next sentence starts again with “The young man...” This type of repetition is unnecessary and gives the idea the MS needs work. “He...” is perfectly fine, as it appears this will be Mr. Levensque’s POV.

It was nice to see you bring some realism to another vampire story. The vampires being introduced, the FBI, CIA... this is good, because if a person can’t believe the story, it won’t work. I usually shy away from anything vampire because it is so overdone, but you brought this in slowly.

Dialogue is good. Watch for repetition again. Anything that doesn’t add to the story should be cut out. In the par. that starts with He watched her...you have a misplaced comma. It should be a period (details, first page important) “God how he adored this woman” needs to be re-written. “...Mel Tisha was incredibly out of his league. (Compared to his league hers wasn’t even visible).” Delete this last sentence? You already said that just before. It doesn’t add to the story, but instead does two things: Slows it down; and dumbs it down and tells the reader what he ‘should’ be thinking. One rule of writing is to treat your reader with respect and the smarts you know he or she has. Presume your reader knows how to feel as he reads the obvious.

There’s a list that has helped me as I continue to edit my work (on my 7th). It’s a ‘do / do not’ list, and I found that reading this brought big changes.
http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=102594

Hope this helps!
Keep working at this! Sorry for the critique, but I only give it to work that I think has real potential! And remember, it’s ONLY my opinion, and it can be right or wrong.
Backed
Paul
We’ve Seen the Enemy

Thanks to some very perceptive criticisms on this site (thank you Authonomites!) I am, at present, in the process of a major rewrite and don't have time for individualized comments.
If you are reading this it means I have read the first couple of chapters of your book and think it is worthy of my support. My training is in the visual arts so I can't really help with the 'nuts & bolts' but if you would like to know what I really liked about your work, just send me a message and as soon as I can I will get back to you.
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of my work) for a further read of your book.

Hi - there is some very nice writing here. All else has been said before (see below), but I enjoyed two chapters. Backed! Barry
(Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

Hi Stefani

I really like this read, poor old Micah, I like that he is such a nervous charater, an unlikely slayer!! Delia is such a tough charater and doesn't hold back, it makes for a good mix of personilties as well as bringing humour to the read. Your writing style is very good.

Shelved
Helena
A Load of Rubbish

Chilling. Should make teens appreciate their own schools! Well, okay, maybe that won't happen, but it is a good read. Backed.

"Vould you like to suck my blood?". you are extremely aware of what you are taking about, i am really impressed. i love the thoughts behind this. the vampires would be a threat for the society so there should be qalified people to tackle the problem. From one thousand students that the school started with only thirty remained, the rest dropped out. ths is getting really serious. we should do something about it. fantastic. just incredible. backed

shah

Thanks for the return Brian! I am not sure if I addressed his dream later on in the story but I will have a look as I rewrite some bits, but yes he was dreaming.

Stef

I like Micah's character. You establish his personality and motivation early on and that gives the novel a nice sense of direction. I'm not sure why he has his memory/dream when he does. Is it triggered by something? Was he really asleep or was he remembering it?

You write well. The challenge is in convincing a publisher that this stands out in the crowded genre of young adult vampire fiction. I feel there's a place for it.

I'll back it.

Brian

I like Micah's character. You establish his personality and motivation early on and that gives the novel a nice sense of direction. I'm not sure why he has his memory/dream when he does. Is it triggered by something? Was he really asleep or was he remembering it?

You write well. The challenge is in convincing a publisher that this stands out in the crowded genre of young adult vampire fiction. I feel there's a place for it.

I'll back it.

Brian

Thank you very much Jim! I appreciate the kind words and I agree the late teens to twenties are my most likely audience. Stef

Read chapters 18 to end. Delightfully devious Delia, great MC there. Micah, quite engaging too. Would I read another adventure? Well, it's not my usual kind of book but I bet my late teen would lap it up! Some of the college background was a little out my comfort zone but most younger readers have overdosed on High School Musical so know all about it! Jim Darcy Serpent's Blood

Read chapters 18 to end. Delightfully devious Delia, great MC there. Micah, quite engaging too. Would I read another adventure? Well, it's not my usual kind of book but I bet my late teen would lap it up! Some of the college background was a little out my comfort zone but most younger readers have overdosed on High School Musical so know all about it! Jim Darcy Serpent's Blood

Thank you so much Jared. I truly appreciate the backing and positive comments. I actually pitched this to a YA agent awhile, it didn't get far with her but hopefully eventually. I am still working on the editing of the small errors but I certainly hope you enjoy the rest.

Stefani, I've not bothered looking at your (very) old comments as I see you've recently edited. I love the cover and the pitches are very effective. I was intrigued by the 'infamous' Delia and her reputation for killing off her trainees.
The opening introduces several young characters and it will be Micah, a somewhat unlikely hero, who will drive the main thrust of the narrative. I've read four chapters and this would appear to be perfect for the lucrative YA readership, young characters, vampires and zombies, all the buzz words for this age-group are here. In chapter four I was pleased to see the anticipated partnership of Delia and Micah taking off, complete with a reminder of the pitch in the admonition to Delia, ' Let's try and actually train this one, not just get him killed.' Excellent. So much more to anticipate in that intriguing premise. Backed.
Jared (Mummy's Boy).

Thanks myst! I am certainly glad you think so. I'd love your thoughts on the whole thing if you get a chance.

Stef

Wow cool

Thank you so much Fandelion and BIlly for your comments. I will definately take all suggestions into consideration. And I am working on the punctuation as we speak, so have no fear, that will be solved soon! Thanks again!

Stef

This could do with a check for punctuation. Other than some small errors in that it is a very well written tale that holds the readers attention. I like how you make Micah a bit of a daydreamer and not the top of his class, a unlikely hero.

Awesome surname! How could I resist taking a look!

Some comments I noted as I read chapter 1:

First paragraph – lots of passive voice. Consider changing to active. There's more throughout if you look for it.

When Micah is asked to identify vampire characteristics, I didn't expect sarcasm, mainly because he was nervous. Might want to adjust his reaction.

Early on it's hard to identify the POV character. Might want to get into Micah's POV a lot earlier (first para).

Not sure if you need the exposition within Micah's thoughts about the danger and nature (etc) of his profession. If it really needs to be there at this point, find a better way to get the information across.

Watch the cliché's such as 'gone off without a hitch'. If an expression sounds familiar, get rid of it.

Overall, decent intro – sets the situation up well in a short time and lets us know what we're in for. You keep the story moving along well enough, though there's room to tighten it up. I'd consider revising the sections where you delve into Micah's thoughts. It brings the story to a halt while you impart background info to the reader, and could be done better. Regardless of all that, I liked it, and I'll read more as I get the time.

Cheers and good luck,
Chris (Andrews)

Thanks so much for your comments. I am currently working on editing it for those minor grammatical and spelling issues, but its going slowly thus far. I appreciate all opinions and will definately take a look at everything else you suggested. Let me know how you enjoy the rest of it! Take care!

Stef

Hello again Stefani,

I’ve enjoyed what I’ve read of this, although it swung abruptly from semi humour to quite black and bloody drama.
Please note all of my comments are preceded by ‘In my opinion … ‘ as I am no expert but I do believe feedback is one of the things we are all here for.
I think it needs a thorough editing, for minor grammatical points like commas and so on: As in “Let’s see, you are Micah Levensque correct?” This should have a comma before the name. Like I said, minor points.
I agree with the person who pointed out Micah’s father probably wouldn’t call him ‘honey’ – this usually refers to a girl.
I’d use OK or okay, but not ok .. might have been a typo. And I think you might just have overused ‘squeak’ in the first part of the fourth chapter?
This does fascinate me, so I’m keeping it on my watchlist and will read it all.
Good luck.

Hi Stefani,

This looks to be fun. Good luck with it. It's on my watchlist.
Regards,

Thank you so much Jack. I will definately think about some alternatives for those passages and see what I can come up with. I appreciate the shelving and the comment on the cover, thanks again!

Stef

P.S. - Stunning book cover by the way. The best I've seen on here so far.

Hi Stefani. I like this. Not least because it has a warm feeling about it and is quite light, rather than the often dark, uncomfortable feeling of some in this genre. More fantasy than horror I would say. I read up to chapter 4 and it flowed well. Only a couple of things stuck out - "Inside a very average looking nuclear family sat down for dinner" made me think of nuclear power. Also, in chapter two, a father calling his son 'honey' didn't seem to sound right, particularly as Micah wasn't really that young. I thought you paced the introduction of your characters really well. Nicely spaced out and with sufficient detail that they slotted into the story seamlessly.
Definitely worthy of some support, so I will put you on my revolving bookshelf for a few days to bump up the rankings.
Good luck..............................Jack.

Thanks 4d, I appreciate the comments and I'm very glad you liked it. I have started going through it with a fine toothed comb and have edited chapters 1-6. I hope to get the rest done this week. Anyway, thanks again!

Stef

Hi Stefani. Apologies it's taken me this long to get around to reading, but the good news is I enjoyed it now that I'm here. It does have the occasional typo or spelling/grammar problem (e.g. 'nigh onto lost' in Ch1 and 'squeeling' at the head of Ch2) but that's easily sorted by a proof read and edit. The pitch struck me as good, although I think this warrants a 'Fantasy' addition to the listed genres. But a fun start with the classroom and the light tone and size of the chapters combine to make for a brisk enjoyable read. And in the space of the first three chapters you've managed to paint a picture of something different than a standard vampire-slaying affair and, given the prevalence of such things these days, that's no mean feat. Just a little grooming and polishing and I think you have something here.

Thanks so much for your comments Richard. It has boosted my confidence greatly. Especially about the dream/memory bit, that is probably the part I worked the hardest on.

I will definately go through it line by line for typos a lot more carefully this weekend, thanks for the heads up.

Stef

Dear Stefani,

This is really good. I got engrossed in it. And I got goosebumps when Micah had the dream/memory about his family. The relationships are nicely drawn, and the narrative moces along at a good pace.

It does need a manual edit for typos and punctuation, but other than that it's very engaging.

I'm putting it on my rotating bookshelf.

R

Thank you Stefani! So glad you enjoyed Evil. Dexter appreciates your vote too! :-) I'll be giving your book a read as soon as I can. Take care.

Watchlisteted :D

Patty, 4dperfect...thanks so much! I hope you enjoy it and I look forward to your comments.

Hi Stefani - thank you. The more readers the merrier as we come towards Friday! :-) Meanwhile I'm adding your book to my watchlist and hope to get to it by tomorrow. Cheers!

watchlisted

Thanks so much R. I look forward to hearing your comments on it.

Take Care
Stef

Adding to my watchlist.

R