Wayward Soldiers

Good writing, please keep it coming.

Spirited adventure tale with that elusive ring of authenticity.


ps don't respond to comments on your own page as people ususally won't see them. Its better to go to their home page and message them there :)

Hi, thank you so much for both the backing and for taking the time to comment! I appreciate it very much as otherwise I wouldn't know where to improve.

You understood it correctly and I was trying to imply that Young's squad is the only one left and that with the lieutenant's death, the sergeant gets an instant field-promotion. I'm still trying to find a way of explaining the callsign thing organically without it turning into that over-abundance of technical detail that everyone cringes at. For the time being, though, I'm working on the assumption that the people who'd choose to read a book like this are probably already somewhat-familiar with the general concept, either through watching shows like Generation Kill or playing games like Call of Duty: Modern Warfare.

Your points regarding grammar will be incorporated into my master manuscript. Thanks!

Also, I'm aware that backing my own books does nothing for my rank but I wasn't aware that it was considered gauche, since everyone seems to be doing it. I guess I should stop, then. Thanks for informing me!

SF42

Hi Mike

I've read two chapters, and I like it. It is effortless, with one of the best prologues I've read. I've only taken a few notes, so I'll get straight to them:

Renegade 2-1/Renegade 2 Actual - perhaps some way of explaining that 'actual' means the commander of the unit. Otherwise, to people who don't know, his hesitation won't make much sense. It reads more like he's forgotten the call-sign. Also would it not still be 'Renegade 2-1 Actual'? I thought the 2 was the platoon, and the 1 was the squad - unless you mean that their squad is the only one left of the entire platoon. That bit is my own misunderstanding.

'the Lieutenant' - no capital

'my why-him? angst' - put 'why-him?' in italics or quotes or both for clarity

And that's it! It is too well written for anything else to have stood out at me. As far as the premise goes, there's not enough in the pitch for me to comment on, but I'm interested to get to the clandestine part. I'm glad that, so far, there hasn't been an over-abundance of technical detail - the one thing I don't like about sci fi - but it is still well-established and written with at least a good pretence of knowledge :) I think it will do very well, and I'll back it for a while.

One other thing though, is that putting your own books on your shelf doesn't go down too well with most of the community. It also does absolutely nothing for your rank; just wastes space.

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

David, thanks for your comments and the backing! Also, if you like the Starship Troopers film, you owe it to yourself to check out the novel. It explores some themes in much greater depth than a summer blockbuster can!

This book is definitely up my street, and as you mention the spirit of Starship Troopers it just so happens that after star wars and aliens , that is my most watched film. I really like this sort of thing and your wrting is of good quality to back it up. I like the pace of the story, not too fast and thrown in to all out war straight away but a build up of the characters. But its done at a good pace that is also enjoyable.

Regards
David Whelan
The Silent Sage Book 1: Desolate

not my type of book, but you write with such skill and intelligence, that l shall put this on my watch, and surely back...your style is direct and takes us into your book so well...6 stars******
read SEASONS...

I read up to chapter 7. Technically fantastic. I reread and found both the impact event and mention of Legion dropping an asteroid on Earth. big stuff, probably the gravity well around which your conflict orbits. I generally say to underline those key points three times, for the too fast readers or too slow processors. You might even say why the central authority says we got dropped on (independence, plus other grievances), name a city at ground zero, and make the damage more explicit - add in dust plume cooling, animals in most of the state choking, lung damage to the responders, air traffic plummeting. Make it personal.

Powerful stuff. Keep it up!

Scott Rhine

Thanks for your backing, your comments and your encouragement, Scott! You're right about my lack of marketing but I HATE getting those spam messages from people I don't know who spell my name wrong and yet still beg me to back their books, so I don't do that myself. However, I'm in no rush. I seem to rise maybe ten spots a day thanks to wonderfully supportive people like you, so I'll eventually get there! Slow and steady wins the race and all that.

As per your first nit, 'ordinance' is actually an authoritative rule or law, as in, "You have been fined for violating city ordinance 452." On the other hand, 'ordnance' means cannon or artillery, or other military equipment, as in "Bring on the heavy ordnance!" I did look this up when I wrote the chapter, just to make sure. It's like the difference between 'stationary' and 'stationery' - spoken the same way but with two wildly divergent meanings.

chapter 1: great opening.
Mike, your action scenes rock. I see no reason (other than incompleteness or lack or marketing) that you are not higher in the lists.

only 2 small nits:
spell:ordnance -> ordinance
too-long sentence: Hunkering...overhead. chop it up.

Scott (Foundation for the Lost)

Here's an example - Chapter 12 - That evening, Sarha, Vasek, Hudson and I were strolling - this isn't 1st person. It reads like 3rd person and note the tenses - they are all past tense - see
were strolling'. Another example - 'she told us' - past tense.

Chapter 5 - First line - 'the next day I awoke'. This reads like 3rd person. He would have no reason to think 'the next day' - see what I mean?

Hope this helps.

BTW, if you have the time I would appreciate it if you gave me story 'Castaway in Time' a review. I'm not asking for backing but any comments would be greatly appreciated

Ah, I see what you mean. Some of those you could argue he was making an assumption (i.e. if you wake up and see light, you'd probably assume it was morning) but I'll see if I can find a better way to word those.

Also, I'm not entirely sure I understand your first point. Using past-tense doesn't automatically make it third-person. "I ran down the hall and called out to the teacher at the far end." is first-person past tense, whereas "I run down the hall, calling out to the teacher at the far end." is first-person present.

Anyway, as for your book, I added it to my watchlist last night, but I'm working on writing two books concurrently right now so it may be a bit before I can get around to reading it. However, the premise intrigues me so I'll definitely give it a look!

Here's an example - Chapter 12 - That evening, Sarha, Vasek, Hudson and I were strolling - this isn't 1st person. It reads like 3rd person and note the tenses - they are all past tense - see
were strolling'. Another example - 'she told us' - past tense.

Chapter 5 - First line - 'the next day I awoke'. This reads like 3rd person. He would have no reason to think 'the next day' - see what I mean?

Hope this helps.

BTW, if you have the time I would appreciate it if you gave me story 'Castaway in Time' a review. I'm not asking for backing but any comments would be greatly appreciated

Here's an example - Chapter 12 - That evening, Sarha, Vasek, Hudson and I were strolling - this isn't 1st person. It reads like 3rd person and note the tenses - they are all past tense - see
were strolling'. Another example - 'she told us' - past tense.

Chapter 5 - First line - 'the next day I awoke'. This reads like 3rd person. He would have no reason to think 'the next day' - see what I mean?

Hope this helps.

If you get a chance I'd appreciate it if you could take a look at my book 'Castaway in Time' .

Very compelling opening - sucked me right in - good job! Will gladly back.

Just a thought, but I've always been told that a new writer is well advised to write in Third person rather than 1st person and I'd suggest you might consider that too. I sometimes felt that the flash backs and scene breaks (especially the camp scene in the forest) didn't really work for me.

Just my two cents worht here.

Thanks for your comment and the backing! I originally decided to write in first-person because I felt it afforded a more personal take on the character's journey, allowing the reader to more easily get into the protagonist's head, as it were.

As for the flashbacks and scene breaks, could you be more specific as to which camp scene you're referring to? I'll take another look at it, if you could point me to the chapter and list your suggestions for improvement.

Very compelling opening - sucked me right in - good job! Will gladly back.

Just a thought, but I've always been told that a new writer is well advised to write in Third person rather than 1st person and I'd suggest you might consider that too. I sometimes felt that the flash backs and scene breaks (especially the camp scene in the forest) didn't really work for me.

Just my two cents worht here.