The Boy from Earth

The dialogue in this book must be the best in authonomy. I love this story. I love the premise, the history, the magic.
You just need to be on my shelve.
Star rated and watchlisted .
Josphine

Lyle,

You have a superb pitch, it drew my attention and gained my interest in reading your story. I really like the idea. The first couple of paragraphs form a captivating introduction. They're very nicely written and have a smooth fluidity to them. I like the way you contrast folklore with Jack's ordinary upbringing. The imagery of the dead scholars peering down is excellent, reminds me of Harry Potter.

I love the gravity boots (not an original idea as such, but always lots of fun). There's good dialogue here, interspersed with good expression. "No, that was Cyborg," great line! The Japanese oven is awesome, I want one! I think it's important for any fantasy novel to have a plentiful supply of unique ideas. Especially ideas which come together well and put a smile on your face.

I think the transition between Jack and Pedro being at Marblehenge . . . And then Jack opening his eyes to a different place/world, is perfectly done . . . Because Jack's eyes are still closed when this event happens, you've maintained a wonderful sense of mystery. There's enough description to make the story interesting, but not so much it gets bogged down or loses pace.

Lyle, I've only read the first chapter so far, but this is highly readable/polished writing. I'd be happy to read more and give it my support/backing. Highly starred!

Good luck,

Ben - The Frogness of Being

A good start! Think it fits the YA genre perfectly! The settings are really good and you get to the point quickly. It's kind of a mixture of genres, YA/ Adventure and Mystery (a good thing as it keeps the reader turning pages) Highly starred and backed! :-)

Good for its genre. Jacks story moves quickly and you dont have time to linger and absorb. Its an eclectic mix of mordern language and local that I found interesting t read. I am sure it will fit into the YA childrens sector well. The writer has a unique style.
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley

I put 4 children`s books on my watchlist, and think yours is the best. A nice twist, Earth a mythical world. 6 *

GILLIAN M.H.

Thank you so much for the detailed critique! Will defnitely incorporate your constructive comments. Rgarding Chapter 2, I actually had several revisions as some thought the pace was too slow (due to a lack of dialogue) so that's why I hurried up with the expositions. But you made a great observation and I will try to find a way to maintain the 'momentum'.

Thanks again!

I loved your pitch, and took a look at this interesting book. Your dialogue heavy prose style was a pleasure to read, and I liked where you were going with this. I am going to back this book (only the third book I have backed), but I would like to offer some of my thoughts about how you could make it better.

One thing that immediately jumped out was use of adverbs: "excitedly", "disappointedly", "unconvincingly". Any reader of Harry Potter will know even best selling authors can make liberal use of these and be successful, but they tend to be distracting when over-used, and weaken the writing a little. I would prefer to see more of the internal dialogue of the character, showing his excitement or disappointment or that he was unconvinced. I think people would use the term "show, don't tell".

That lack of internal dialogue seemed, to me, to take Jack out of the real world before I really had an anchor on who he is. In the second chapter, the internal dialogue would be essential I think, because he spends 7 days without speaking. You gloss over that with a short report of his night time commotion, but that just left me wondering what he was actually doing all day!

In chapter two, when Jack begins to speak, rather a lot of mysteries are filled in rather quickly. The reader knows that the marble henge was key to the transition to the other world, but why not create more mystery around it? Instead of calling it a portal of time, maybe the sisters would be puzzled as to how he got there, but would know tell of the strange and powerful world beyond the world.

Finally, some vocabulary was repeated. We had commotion at night and the next paragraph commotion in the kitchen - maybe use different words here. Likewise, we were told maybe too often that the sisters are old.

Despite these comments, this is not a negative review. I have just finished a published book that was way worse than anything you have written here, and what you have is a promising and interesting story that I am eagre to continue exploring. It deserves to do well, and I hope you continue to edit it and improve it to make it something that begs to be published.

I loved your pitch, and took a look at this interesting book. Your dialogue heavy prose style was a pleasure to read, and I liked where you were going with this. I am going to back this book (only the third book I have backed), but I would like to offer some of my thoughts about how you could make it better.

One thing that immediately jumped out was use of adverbs: "excitedly", "disappointedly", "unconvincingly". Any reader of Harry Potter will know even best selling authors can make liberal use of these and be successful, but they tend to be distracting when over-used, and weaken the writing a little. I would prefer to see more of the internal dialogue of the character, showing his excitement or disappointment or that he was unconvinced. I think people would use the term "show, don't tell".

That lack of internal dialogue seemed, to me, to take Jack out of the real world before I really had an anchor on who he is. In the second chapter, the internal dialogue would be essential I think, because he spends 7 days without speaking. You gloss over that with a short report of his night time commotion, but that just left me wondering what he was actually doing all day!

In chapter two, when Jack begins to speak, rather a lot of mysteries are filled in rather quickly. The reader knows that the marble henge was key to the transition to the other world, but why not create more mystery around it? Instead of calling it a portal of time, maybe the sisters would be puzzled as to how he got there, but would know tell of the strange and powerful world beyond the world.

Finally, some vocabulary was repeated. We had commotion at night and the next paragraph commotion in the kitchen - maybe use different words here. Likewise, we were told maybe too often that the sisters are old.

Despite these comments, this is not a negative review. I have just finished a published book that was way worse than anything you have written here, and what you have is a promising and interesting story that I am eagre to continue exploring. It deserves to do well, and I hope you continue to edit it and improve it to make it something that begs to be published.

You have a really nice voice.

Only read the first chapter so far, but it's going on my shelf and I swear I'll come back for the rest of it soon!

Great pitch - hooked me in. Some sentences feel stilted but on the whole the first 2 chapters worked very well, gave me something of Jack's personality and homelife (and soon to be future in America) before everything changes. I haven't read any further yet, but for now I'm going to shelve this.

Wonderful story wonderfully told. So many things to love; places in the sky- strange walking trees, and magical people.
really hope you get this published, as I want to know the rest...

Cas Meadowfield
The Wind Maker

A well told tale! You launch quickly in an exotic setting, and keep us on the hook.
Thanks!
Tod Schneider
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

I have read the first few chapters and found them so original and unusual. I think the setting is wonderful and the two sisters are great characters. My only criticism would be to wonder if the pace was fast enough for the children's market. After the initial drama of Jack coming through the portal, the pace slows a little. Could you move to the 'war' sections a bit more quickly - or perhaps add a prologue to give readers a taste of the drama to come.
Overall though I love this highly original story.

Thanks for the crit and the backing! And you're right, Kristie, Chapter 2 does slow down the pace, which is why I made it as short as possible (only 6 pages). Chapter 3 has a lot more dialogue and exposition about the war, and also contains the catalyst for the MC to take matters into his own hands. But I will try and incorporate the war storyline sooner, definitely in Chapter 2.

Thanks again!!!

I have read the first few chapters and found them so original and unusual. I think the setting is wonderful and the two sisters are great characters. My only criticism would be to wonder if the pace was fast enough for the children's market. After the initial drama of Jack coming through the portal, the pace slows a little. Could you move to the 'war' sections a bit more quickly - or perhaps add a prologue to give readers a taste of the drama to come.
Overall though I love this highly original story.

The dialogue in this book must be the best in authonomy. I love this story. I love the premise, the history, the magic.
You just need to be on my shelve.
Star rated and watchlisted .
Josphine

Hi, just come across your book. What a great idea, children will love this escapism. On my watch list and highly starred.

A very interesting story so far. I like the fact that Jack gets transported away from his world to a new one. I'm glad that it is all moving very fast-keeps the reader interested. Good luck

Lyle,

You have a superb pitch, it drew my attention and gained my interest in reading your story. I really like the idea. The first couple of paragraphs form a captivating introduction. They're very nicely written and have a smooth fluidity to them. I like the way you contrast folklore with Jack's ordinary upbringing. The imagery of the dead scholars peering down is excellent, reminds me of Harry Potter.

I love the gravity boots (not an original idea as such, but always lots of fun). There's good dialogue here, interspersed with good expression. "No, that was Cyborg," great line! The Japanese oven is awesome, I want one! I think it's important for any fantasy novel to have a plentiful supply of unique ideas. Especially ideas which come together well and put a smile on your face.

I think the transition between Jack and Pedro being at Marblehenge . . . And then Jack opening his eyes to a different place/world, is perfectly done . . . Because Jack's eyes are still closed when this event happens, you've maintained a wonderful sense of mystery. There's enough description to make the story interesting, but not so much it gets bogged down or loses pace.

Lyle, I've only read the first chapter so far, but this is highly readable/polished writing. I'd be happy to read more and give it my support/backing. Highly starred!

Good luck,

Ben - The Frogness of Being

A good start! Think it fits the YA genre perfectly! The settings are really good and you get to the point quickly. It's kind of a mixture of genres, YA/ Adventure and Mystery (a good thing as it keeps the reader turning pages) Highly starred and backed! :-)

I haven't read childrens' stories in a long time, but this reads just like one I would have loved as a child. I love the mysterious book hidden behind all the others in the case. The one area for improvement that I can see is some misuses of the 'to be' form. For example in paragraph one the 'and was surrounded by' needs to be 'were surrounded by'. In paragraph two ',,,the scary noises coming from Jack's attic was a clunky weather-machine' the 'was' is wrong. It might be better as '...were caused by a clunky weather-machine.' Nicely done, and I wish you success in finding a publisher

I loved the boy from earth. It is one of my favorite books that I have read on Authonomy so far.

I loved the boy from earth. It is one of my favorite books that I have read on Authonomy so far.

This looks like good fun for middle readers. I like the exotic locale.
Best of luck with this!

I loved the exotic setting and names in this. The writing is very good with appropriate vocabulary for the age group on the whole. The totally non-spiritual, non-fantasy parent idea works really well. A great tale for older children. Wonderful characters, Jack comes over really well. Candy.

Hi LB

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Love the story but your short pitch just doesn't do it justice. You need something more punchy to make people open your book. I am looking forward to reading more. Love the wacky parents so much. It really catches the imagination. Good Luck. I hope you make it to the top on here.

Perhaps you could do a return read for me. It won't take you long as it is a picture book story.

Love the story but your short pitch just doesn't do it justice. You need something more punchy to make people open your book. I am looking forward to reading more. Love the wacky parents so much. It really catches the imagination. Good Luck. I hope you make it to the top on here.

Perhaps you could do a return read for me. It won't take you long as it is a picture book story.

You have a fabulous story here! And a strong Main Character in Jack.

Your long pitch is well written and interesting, but I think your short pitch needs some clarity. It also needs to be punchy, as it is the first thing someone sees before reading the book.

From the 3rd pgh on, your story sails through.
The 4th pgh is even better, and from there it goes on really well. It is pacey, and things are happening all the time, which keeps the reader interested. This is especially important for children.

I really like your characters too. From the first one you introduce, the cook Flor, even though she says nothing, it shows her character and personality. She is busy. And when she needs to speak she does. I like Pedro too. You description of the mother is amusing and unexpected. But it shows her as a real person.

The dialogue in general is good and brings out the personalities well.

You have some lovely scenery included, without over-description, which is really effective. It paints a good picture and helps the reader to visualise the setting well. This is one where it just doesn't describe, but actually shows the reader what is happening - " But Jack was too distracted playing around the Marblehenge twirling from pillar to pillar as the breeze intensified." Brilliant!

I must say that your ending of Chapter 1 is really very effective. A wonderful hook! How can anyone not turn the page? For a child, it is just brilliant.

On the other hand,what doesn't work so well for me are these things, and in my opinion are fairly easy to change, but important, as they come right at the beginning of your book.

1. As I said, the short pitch needs some clarity. Here is an idea which you could use if you like:

Jack Dison has always been disappointed with life. Then he came across fantasy, and stumbled upon a world where Earth is a complete fairytale.

2. The first line of the book needs to be something that grabs the reader's interest. Bearing in mind your reader is a child.
My suggestion is:-

Jack Disors's family was anything but magical.

2. First line of pgh 2. My suggestion is :-

Inside the house was every kind of book, except fairytales.

Paragraph 1 and 2 needs some general shaping up , and some well flowing sentences that introduces the reader to your true style. At the moment it doesn't. But it is good that you introduce the reader to the place - the Philippines. The second pgh, is about the library, which is also good.

Please remember that these are my thoughts just as a reader. And I am just one person. Feel free to ignore it, but if I can help in any other way, let me know, and I will see what I can do.

Best of luck
Marilyn x

Good for its genre. Jacks story moves quickly and you dont have time to linger and absorb. Its an eclectic mix of mordern language and local that I found interesting t read. I am sure it will fit into the YA childrens sector well. The writer has a unique style.
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley

‘The Boy from Earth’ is a fantasy epic written with imaginative flare. Moons hovering a few feet above the land, lakes in the sky, shapeshifters and a soldier turning slowly to stone are only a few of the intriguing components of what sounds like a great adventure tale. I enjoyed the atmosphere you created in eleven year old Jack’s home. An only child in a house full of boring books and adults who constrain his imagination. The dialogue is great throughout and is the strength of your tale. The Stonehenge/Marblehenge druid/ witchcraft connections worked well and Jack as he finds himself in this strange land and then in the clutches of these strangers is an MC who I am keen to follow. There were a few nits though.
In the short pitch – ever since what?
In the long pitch – perhaps you tell us a bit too much.
Some grammatical puzzles eg ‘and bibles in every room that ghosts wouldn’t dare set foot in the house’. Sometimes you could shorten decription. I would get rid of a few of the adjectives ending in’y’ eg darkly, excitedly etc. Language such as ‘only child in the household’ could be ‘an only child’. However this sort of thing is easily fixed.
More of a problem was Jack’s experience as he found himself in the new land.
The writing could be more vivid here. The henge ‘not looking as worn as they once were’ in fact ‘covered in strange ornate carvings’ coupled with the disappearance of Pedro, followed by that ‘great wall of darkness’ should be a dramatic highpoint and it is rather vague and ill defined. Why not have Jack be knocked out falling out of a tree or off the henge and have an immediate more dramatic transformation? I intend to read on and comment again. The more action the better in this and your dialogue, which is action in a sense is very natural and convincing.

I think this book would make a good tv series, or jackanory
Gillian M.H.

I put 4 children`s books on my watchlist, and think yours is the best. A nice twist, Earth a mythical world. 6 *

GILLIAN M.H.

I liked your pich and profile and I believe your book will be a great success so I FOR ONE AM BACKING IT and when I back I LEAVE IT UP QUITE A GOOD WHILE - goodluck and thanks for backing my book !!!

Lyle,
I wish I had a friend like Jack when I was eleven. The adventures we could have had are beyond anything I could have imagined at the time. His curious and adventuresome spirit and the experiences it leads him into are certain to enchant young readers and some older ones too. Your extraordinary imagination shines throughout this enthralling narrative. The Boy from Earth is a fantasy lovers dream come true.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

This is GREAT! I always knew Henges were magical places, I just knew it! What a fantastic premise for a children's story -is there really a Henge in the Phillipines?- but grown-ups like me will love it too. I'm not a great critiquer but I thought the first chapter was excellent; you make it clear that Jack's parents don't approve of fantasy without labouring the point (I loved the mum's line; "Oh hello, Pedro... I could have sworn you were a coat stand."!), and with their strictness and adherence to religion it's clear why Jack has developed a desire to believe in fantasy.
You've also got some great similes, but I wonder if they would be better without the "as if"s... For example:
His stomach had been growling like a dog, competing with the tome for his precious attention.
...zoomed around the kitchen brandishing a wooden ladle, conducting the orchestra of boiling pots and sizzling pans.
It's clear (from reading some of the other comments below) that you've edited and worked hard on your opening chapter, and it shows - I'm completely intrigued and will be reading on!

The very best of luck with this!

Maria.

I loved the first few paragraphs and then it seemed to get bogged down and I found myself getting bored and not paying attention. The details of breakfast were not interesting and I don't know why you included it unless the remembrance of it is needed later in the book. I think it is best to not include anything in the story that isn't needed to forward the story or will be important later. You show a great writing skill and I think you have an original story to tell, but as a reader, I just don't want to have to try to find it. And, do some editing. An example: you wrote: Wading on the pond and parting the tall grass, he sluggishly walked towards the light. how about this: He waded in the pond, parting the tall grass, and sluggishly walked toward the light. Good luck to you.

Susan
The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon Island

Excellent premise for this story. Good imagery and well articulated.
I think it started off a bit slow. Not sure if the details about breakfast are needed to move the story forward or if that amount of detail has some significance later in the story. I noticed a few issues with punctuation (just a few missing commas and when Pedro appears the maid asks a question, but the ? mark is missing there.)

This will be a very well received story with wide audience potential. But I do recommend to tighten up the plot somewhat. (at the risk of being the kettle calling the pot black, as I'm guilty of the same problem)

IMO It needs to move quickly at the start. Find a way to jump into the action within a few paragraphs. Or at least, make me feel strongly about the MC within the first 3 paragraphs. I have to have a reason to care about him, he must be lonely ... as an only child ... show me how very lonely he is. Justasuggestion! It is your book and I can tell by the care with which you've written that you have put a ton of hours into it.

It is really quite good!
Raechel
Echo

This is such a wonderful story. Well written with excellent characterizations. Kids and adults will love this! Backed with pleasure.

Skater

L. B. -

The Marble Henge - A succinct intoduction to Jack's home and the clashing worlds within. Fantasy is not encouraged by his parents, but Jack's fascination with stonehenge and druids make Pedro, a local boy, introduce him to place in the dschungle nearby, the ruins of a sacred site with circular stones. Not what Jack expected, too small to resemble stonehenge, but in no time he is whisked away to another world. Nhyal and Tevarya, his hosts, are strange old women who seem to grow younger when involved in arguing. Something only Jack notices. He absorbs their language and eventually speaks it. The women become excited, thinking he is an enkanter. Delightful story and the writing chimes. Well rated. Pia

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it :)