My Side of the Story

O. K. Dayna, I just re-read your book, up to this point, and I gotta tell ya,,,,,,, YOU'RE KILLING ME!!!!!! When can we expect more??? You sucked me in the first time I read this, I returned after a brief journey, hoping to read more, only to find myself sucked in once again. I've read it again, and you still have me on the edge of my seat, impatiently awaiting for more. WHEN????????????? Still loving the cover, with the symbolisim behind it, and captured in the read, yet left exactly where I was before, wanting more!

Dayna,
Wow! What an amazing read. I think you and I meet in the 6th grade. I was at those keg parties, went to that High School damn... I "hung out" in the same circle. It breaks my heart to hear of your younger years. I wish you talked about it then.
Regarding your story... I read ever word you wrote. I didnt put my phone down once! YES... My phone. Growing up together I know the pain you are getting ready to talk about. I can't wait to here more about your side of the story. My love and prayers are with you always.
Betsey

My Side of the Story / Dayna Cogliser

PITCH: The caps have to go, Dayna. Just saying......
It is, and always has been my opinion that you should write your pitch as much like a query letter as possible. An agent wouldn't read past your first sentence ('hook')

As for your story, that's a completely different ball game. It is a good story. I've read much further ahead than I am going to concentrate on critiquing for the following purpose. You have a story that certainly needs to be told. If you didn't, I wouldn;t spend much more time with it because the writing needs work. You're the only person who can tell this story so that leaves us with one choice. Here I go:
(You can discard any / all comments I make but I'd really like to see you polish up this story)

In chapter 1 ), The first two to three paragraphs of a memoir are the hardest ones. The first thing I notice is what is the first thing an agent, editor and even reader will see. The constant use of 'I' / I know...it's a memoir about you, what else would you use to describe yourself? ANSWER: Less I's (out of 312 words, you have I 31 times for a total of 10% of your total words.

Chapter 2 just feels bumpy as it starts. What if it were to read something like this:

On July 6th, 1989, my entire world came crashing down on me at three o'clock in the morning.

"The ambulance is here to take mommy away," said my brother through the bedroom door. I felt blank, staring back at him in reaction.

In the hallway my mother was being carried on a stretcher to the stairs. "Don't worry, Day," she said softly, "I'm going to be okay."

If ever the statement, 'consumed with fear', was true; seeing my mother on that device being taken away, said it all. It was frightening at the very least; worse was the fact that I could do nothing to stop it.

As we followed the ambulance in our car to the hospital, I remember looking through the back window and seeing her. To this day whenever I see one those things go by, sirens blaring, I bless myself; if not for the person riding in, but, perhaps the family chasing behind.


(Please understand, your story struck an immediate chord with me which is why I wanted to take a very early part of it in which to break down a paragraph) Your words, when re-written, will be much better than mine. My purpose was not to re-write 'your' words but to show that they do need to be re-arranged to bring about a better flow. Note the absence of (i's), the progressive flow of thought and how the story moves along. No words are repeated in sentences, there is no 'run-on' and repetitive facts are emitted. It has to be this way or the work will never achieve its purpose, which I assume is publication.

Essentially a sentence should say what it needs to say and move on. Yes, the detail of additional thought is important to you, but, to engage your reader you have to keep them reading. Excessive, wordy sentences and paragraphs don't accomplish this and will lead to your reader putting the book down, skimming or ceasing to read all together.

Some numbers: (I) was used only four times / (Remember) only once / The total word count was cut in half for the paragraph and in all honesty, all thoughts were articulated. (You could add or subtract as you see fit)

Lets move ahead to CH14 (Yes, I read all of the chapters up to there and further)

Your first paragraph is broken between 'figure out' and 'why'

14 chapters into your book it is time to refer to your brother by name. You start off by saying:

My dad and brother helped me move in, and my brother gave me the 99 dollar security I needed for the deposit. Like always they were always there to help. I just couldn't figure out why they were willing to help in so many ways, but not in the way I needed most; to just help me get back home (you left off the period)

- You used 'brother' twice in the opening sentence
- The paragraph was broken as I mentioned above
- You left off a period at the end
- The sentences (both) are too wordy, whereas you could say as much with less words. Let your reader engage your thoughts. You don;t have to spell out each and every single thing. That is what causes the wordiness. Writing isn't like talking with friends at a gathering. A reader will, like a disinterested friend who is bored with long-winded descriptions of things, get tired and not pay attention.

(Back in CH9 you do a good job of moving your story when talking about the attack for example. I thought that was pretty good writing. That said, you know how to write so do not think any of what I'm saying means I wish to suggest that you don't. What I see here is 'hurried' writing. In memoirs, this can sometimes be the result of not being ready to tell the story yet. You may be hurrying so as not to re-visit some of the details. On the flip-side, it may exactly time to re-visit each and every word, one paragraph at a time with a well-conceived idea of what changes you plan to make and how to better structure your sentences so this important story can be told in a way that will entice your audience and allow them to not only 'read' but 'feel' your story, and your plight.

Perhaps the paragraph could be formed like this (or something similar in your words):

My dad and brother were there to help me move into my apartment. He even gave me the ninety-nine dollars to pay the security deposit. They'd been helful to me at times, but it was difficult understanding why they couldn't grasp what I really needed; to go back home.

- I used only once
- same basic points made
- flow is better
- less words

The thing I'm trying to portray for you is the entire manuscript needs to be re-worked. You can do this. If it is important enough that this story be told, you'll do it. I'm going to go ahead and tell you: in its present state, it is not publishable material.

Your personal story, from what I can tell, is one that can / should / if you decide 'will' be told. It all comes down to how hard you are willing to work at arranging for this. Writing a book is the hardest thing I've ever done and yes, I have written my memoir, which is not featured here on Authonomy and I rarely talk about. It is currently out with many literary agents in the query process. It took me nine years to come as close to perfecting it as I can. There times when I threw my hands up and wanted to quit, especially when my first casual reviewer told me he couldn't finish the first chapter it was written so poorly.

In essence, how hard are you willing to work? That's what it comes down to, Dayna. Judging from the things you've overcome and the wonderful disposition you have here on the site, I'd say you have what it takes to do this.

I hope you have taken this constructive criticism as it was intended. Be inspired if anything. I do certainly wish you my very best with it.

E M Delaney











Okay. I'm going to go strasight to the point. Repeated use of the same word more than once in sentences, sometimes phrases, run-on sentences, the word 'and', then a cardinal rule violation in writing a memoir - the excessive use of the word 'remember'. (Do a search in the first three chapters and you may be surprised)

In the last paragraph in CH2 you begin each sentence with either 'My' / 'We' / or 'I'
This gives an awful elementary looking appearence to your writing like a seventh grade "What I did during the summer" assignment.

Hey Dayna

Sorry for the slow return read :/

OK, so - first of all the caps in your pitch screamed at me a lil bit - is that really necessary? Just a personal thing perhaps. Which leads me to say that obviously, ignore anything I say that doesn't sit right with you - this is only my opinion, and who am I to talk?

I like your prologue. The font changes threw me off a bit, but that's just aesthetics. Having said that, the bold font is hurting my eyes just a little bit. People on here can be really fussy about that, just a heads up.

I can't comment on the content. All I can say is that you're incredibly brave for posting this. It's not at all what I expected from having seen you around the forums.You write in a very snappy way, the emotional punches are immense, but your pace is quick, which I like. It doesn't hang around, it just stuns you with issue after issue leaving me quite breathless.

I really do salute you for posting this, and it just goes to show that you can come out the other side. Big hugs to you Dayna and I really hope this book does well (true life generally does on here ;) )

Silva

My Side of the Story
Non-fiction Autobiograph 1st person

I've read through Ch 2 and will only comment to that extent.

Premise: autobiograph of a young woman coping with emotional pain

Pacing - through Ch 2, this moves right along

POV: 1st person appropriately. Well done without falling into the "I trap".

Mechanics; There are a number of issues here. Most obviously, I'd recommend breaking paragraphs. Dialog should be separate.

Marketability: here's the rub. For the most part, autobiographies do not typically appeal to a wide audience unless the subject is already famous.

Suggestions: IMO, the colors detract from the MS. Also, i found the bold lettering somewhat hard to focus on. I think the work is powerful and the formatting makes it look cheap. This is just my opinion. I think the work stands on its own strength.

It is a powerful piece and it is handled with a simple voice, not overcooked and not reeking of self-pathos. Dished out in simple, matter-of-fact style. Well done.
Raechel
Echo

I read your introduction and first three chapters.

General comments: A touching, captivating start. A sympathetic main character. I'd like to see more description. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on your first chapter:
1) 'I was going to win my first academy award by the time I was 21 and ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where you should spell out numbers.
2) Great end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) "The ambulance is here to take Mommy away". The period goes inside the closing quote mark. There are more cases where you should move the period inside the closing quote mark.
2) Consider adding more of your emotions on seeing your mother on that stretcher. You mention 'fear.' How did that fear manifest emotionally and physically? Consider describing that fear so vividly the reader will experience it along with Day. This will pull the reader deeper into this all important scene.
3) 'I saw the pain in my mothers eyes, something I had never seen before.' Mothers (plural) should be mother's (possessive).

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) 'My brother was doing the best he could, just trying to move forward with his life while watching his little sister as she implodes.' 'implodes' should be 'imploded' to keep the sentence in the past tense.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a sensational day.

Al

I think that unresolved issues are the cause of many, many problems. Buried grief, anger, resentment all have to come out somewhere, and they always do. While they are doing so, they can manage to wreck lives either by stunting the opportunity to do the best for oneself, or by causing others to see a person as 'bad' or a failure.

My book isn't autobio, but it contains part of my story, I realise. I don't normally read 'true-life, and it can be hard to publish if it's too personal. Sometimes people are advised to take themselves out of it - turn it into someone else's story, as if you were writing it about someone else. Your story is very powerful. As a non reader of true-life, I nevertheless read ten chapters. Your style, even while writing about such difficult things, flows easily, leading the reader from one page to another. It's powerful and effective and I hope it did you good to lance the boil, as it were, and that you do well with it.
Cariad.

Hello Dayna

-'My side of the story--

Read eight chapters and chunks more late last night,
found my; self up later then expected after starting t o read this engrossing book
it's so honest and one knows it comes straight from your heart; so emotional and heartbreaking to read.
you brought me along in a gripping style with the short sharply written stories; as i read about your slow declilne to alcohol and drugs.
The abuse in the woods remains in m;y; minds eye, dreadfull way to treat a woman.
i will keep this on my; watch list to read more
in the meantime i rate it five stars
good luck
tom bye ' from hugs to kisses'
please oblige and glance at mine
you will note that i brought a sort of prologue into it only after allowing the readers to come in with a few
light hearted lines to grap attention..

Great premise. I have enjoyed the book so far. Very little I would do differently.

Wow. .From the description on your home page where you talk about just kind of throwing some words together, or however you put it, I was prepared for an unorganized, sloppy mess. I decided to read because my own book is memoir and I thought maybe I could be of some help to you.

I really like this. Your writing is clear and crisp without a lot of superfluous attempt at writing what I call 'poetic prose.' A lot of writers tend to try too hard to show their descriptive and metaphorical skills and it detracts from the story. You, however, have a keen sense of exactly what information to convey to your reader. You take us inside your mind so that we see the world through your eyes. That's the goal of writing, in my opinion. Not a detailed description of a sofa or a lamp:)

Well done. I think there's definite possibility here. I'm giving it a six and putting on my shelf:)

Kim

(if you're so inclined, maybe you could return the favor of reading and backing the intro and first chapter of my own memoir)

Awesome! You're doing a great job with your book. I can't wait til you can finally say " I'm Done!". I'm very Proud of you!

I really am enjoying your book so far. It seems very personal and you are very brave to share it. I think this can help a lot of people, as I now have a better understanding of one of my family members. Thank you for that. I will check back to see when the rest is up.

Dayna, Just wondering when we can expect to read more of your book. Again, very IMpatientely waiting to read more. Thanks, just a reminder, that theres still some of us here, waiting.

Dayna, A very brave, honest and passionate book. I truly believe that you have a story to tell and with some changes this can touch many. Since I read with my readers hat and not writing hat I will only comment on content.

What I feel when I read this is ery real and shared in a natural state which when written properly is the most moving of all, especially when it's a biography. That being said there is to much repetition with words and emotions which takes away from the raw emotion you share,

I would love to give examples but my typing is limited, however it is an easy fix and this is worth it. I suggest you have a neutral party read it aloud to you so you can hear what I am sharing, and you will also see the extra unnecessary words.

But I for one am a huge fan with high hopes and expectations...backed Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

A BHCG review. I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to deal with this as you wish. The short intro I'm afraid doesn't pull me. You've far more in the long version. True life writing is generally emotional, sometimes deeply so as the writer looks inside themselves and stirs old memories. I have mixed feelings about this genre and will say am looking for something extra without often being sure what.

I'd cut away that first Chapter. Why you write isn't the lead into the story. Perhaps that's the answer at the end of the journey. Many people have experienced pain and misery in their lives in many forms; let me learn about you slowly without giving the answers away.

Chapter 2 a nice start that works well. It's short and simple and tells us about the dreams of a little girl. It could be anyones family and we know is about to be taken away. We often read this genre with mixed feelings; hopes of a fairytale ending yet fears this could happen to us. Those are the emotions you'll be plugging from me as I read.

Chapter 3 and you've chosen not to build this slowly but go straight for the moment that changed your life. It reads well and I've no sense of typos or suggestions for gramatical changes from here so I'll no focus on the story. Simply written we're left with two underlying currents; the impact on the family of your mothers death and the relationship with her own mother. My mother suffers from mental depression so my own emotions are being tugged here and looking for comparisons.

Chapter 4 and a huge rush through some important moments that left as many questions open as you gave answers. In just a year you've moved into alcohol and then weed, and ultimately a psychiatric hospital. You've also laid a backdrop of belief in God, a theme I sense will reoccur. Dayna I'd like more here to help me get to know you and then the story will make more sense. I want to rush and turn the next page but need a foundation of knowledge before I can do so. I'll try to explain and hope this comes across the way I mean it.

I want to know what changed when you went home; that first week, who said what and how did each person respond, not just you. What took you into alcohol and drugs; were you there already or did you change your friends? How did the family collapse that is key, was it just you - and then religion. You touch on the deeply emotive subject of faith. What was your faith before that suddenly made you doubt god? There's one special/important moment here that you've ignored and may tell the reader what he/she seeks to know - that's your mothers funeral.

I'm trying to be careful to be compassionate and understanding here. But equally am trying to make my own comments in a dispassionate way as an impartial reader. If you truly want to be published your writing must hit the right cords. But this Chapter seems to be the starting point for a long journey and I need you to tell me more before I commit emotionally to the whole read.

Chapter 5 and I've similar thoughts. You've mentioned nothing about the psychiatric hospital - the conversations with the doctor and the reactions from those around you. The writing is all there and I am turning the pages easily but each Chapter leaves me with more questions. Your fathers new relationship - who is she and where did she come from? Your relationship with your brother during this time and his response. How about outside friends. This is already a very personal story from you but you've touched on the key moments without revealing to the reader the details behind them.

I read further and confirmed my previous thoughts and comments. We are introduced to Candice your friend since the age of 7 but you've never mentioned her through the previous years. You return to god and faith without being more specific. This is all very deeply moving writing and am sure this has been a cathartic excercise for you. Perhaps take time and read it as someone who doesn't know you and my comments will become clearer. You've the start of a piognant story here and HC seem to take on Trule Life from Authonomy but I would suggest you need to add more depth to this. I will back it on the basis of the writing. Steve.

Brutal Honesty Crit group review:

To start with, I want to applaud you for the bravery to share your life, feelings, and attempt to bare your soul.
Most of us cloak life experiences in fiction to make them more manageable and hide our own flaws.
What follows is and attempt to polish what you have written to make it shine more.
In one word - details.
what I want is more of you to come through. The details will add a lot (examples below).

Plot –
From the first page, I envisioned this as you reading it for a book on CD.
This may actually be a venue for you to explore, like podcast.
Great hook at the end of chapter 1.
At the psychiatric hospital, you need to expand and tell us what the last straw was for your teachers/family.
Don't just tell us something happened: show the ground raising, post a warning sign, and then notice there weren't any brakes.
Circle the important events for us. Someone scanning at high speed should know about the critical event.

Pacing
You need to break the paragraphs apart to give us breathing room.

Characters/Characterization
Instead of just telling us you were close to your brother, you may share a scene and show us.

Point of View/Voice
Probably too narrative and detached at the start.
When you tell about the event, share the details, even the ones that stick out for no good reason.
When I was ten, my grandmother was hauled out of bed at 2 AM for a burst gall bladder. I woke to the man hauling the gurney swearing that the winding cement steps up to her porch were too narrow. Blue and red lights strobed through my bedroom window. People, drunks and gang members, were standing in the street staring at our door. My grandfather, a machinist who could lift rail car wheels, was reduced to a hollow, pacing ghost, wringing his hands.
The dauchsund, who slept at her feet from the day she shared a baby cone with her, growled at the medics and the fireman with thick gloves had to pull Gretchen away.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader

Dialogue
mostly quotes, but you need to do it like this.
"blah," she said.
Grandma replied, "bletch."
punctuation inside the quotes, and paragraphs for clear delineation of speaker.

Originality
It's definitely yours, and not some poor star's.

Publishability
No clue. Out of my realm. But parts of it could definitely be published as magazine articles to get the ball rolling.
I would recommend studying a few well-done examples.
If you can get the old Reader's Digest story that Johnny Cash wrote with his testimony, it will give you a good comparison point. Even as a famous person, he was very relatable.

Sentence level: probably where you need the most work. Reparagraphing into smaller thematic based chunks will add gravity.
prologues:
I would cut all the text up to Prologue as unnecessary.
I would also cut the different fonts and colors. This is about the content now.
Do a straight, non-centered, non formatted version.
fragment: Every decision. perhaps use -- between the two to splice
cut correct? breaks the flow.
cut the first smiles after the tears as redundant
chapter 1:
a little girl[,]
cut Yes
and so did -> as did
from[,] but it (indicates a pause when reading aloud)
cut comma from I did[,] becuase the subject is the same
I use http://grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp to help me.
If I take -> took (tense)
I had, cause -> I had[.] Because when you're a child[,]
Chapter 2:
break up each dialogue line into a separate paragraph.
cut "if we did..." already said you don't remember
her [own] mother
did long -> longed
together[.] avoid a run on
same, won't (cut second and)
gadgets[,] what
bed[:] my dad
It was then I -> When I
cut I can't even explain how I felt. Stop denigrating/contradicting your voice
try a few analogies. eg "When my first child had a mouth injury that wouldn't stop bleeding, I raced to call my mother, the nurse, for advice. Only then did I remember she was dead. I felt like someone trying to answer the phone, only to recall their right hand had been amputated."
awk: cry a cry
were said to me - too passive. When he said, "Mommy's
Chapter 3:
cut I felt was -> Emptiness like a black hole
security[,] felt.. you[,] had just
Too much use of the word felt.
Don't cap GOD
in general, don't start a sentence with And
say why the hospital made things worse, opening up feelings and then leaving the questions unanswered.
Note weed/acid as an escalation. Where did the money come from? Who did it get you in contact with?
details.

Scott Rhine (Jezebel's Ladder)

We'll break this up so we can get more people looking at your work by polishing the pitch.
Brutally Honest Crit Group:
tags: you have a blank one you need to trim

pitches:
Don't use all caps, its like shouting.
persuasion - not convinced this is the right word. tool?
cut: from my point of view, given with autobio
tense consistency: was making -> made
cut This story is meant to show how -> But
wonderful[,]
space between paragraphs (down with newline followed by four spaces)
short and direct for punch: All those... -> People perceived me as wild, selfish, and heartless. I lived up to those labels
fragment: And describe

Scott Rhine (Jezebel's Ladder)

BHG Review

Let me preface this review with the fact that I think what you are doing is brave and commendable. You held my attention because there was so much there in terms of the things you’ve experienced that I was curious to read on. But I was only reading because the story in and of itself is captivating. I do not know and have never met anyone who has gone through so much and I empathize and I applaud your courage. But now to the review – And I do know that you are aware there’s much work needed here … so I’m only going to point out stuff I think can help you in your efforts to edit.

Title: My Side of the Story: The first thing that comes to mind when I read this is that we’ve heard someone else’s side. (and we haven’t) Or you are a public figure and we’ve heard through the press some story about you and now you are coming out with your side. (and this is not the case) So I would change this title.

Short Pitch: I must say that if I read this I’d want to know what pain it is you speak of. I like it. It would make me move on to the long pitch.

Long Pitch:
Does this stand alone? It seems like it is a continuation of the short pitch.
"After all, nothing is "neither" -- change to either ...

Okay ... I don't really like this long pitch. It’s confusing. It requires a person to have some knowledge of where you are coming from and at this juncture we don't. So in essence it is so abstract as to be useless. It doesn't give me any information that I can use to even try to imagine what the book is about. Coz as long as we live and breath we have experienced pain, we perceive, we have smiled and cried. You see ... this could be a story about me. boring me. or interesting you. but i don't know this. and you haven't given me a clue. So you'd be banking on someone going to chapter one (or your prologue as I see you have one) to make a determination whether this is a story they want to read. So .... sorry for being longwinded but I guess what i'm trying to say is you need to put some facts in there ... some meat of your story.

Prologue:
Ahh ... your long pitch is your prologue! why? no wonder it doesn't make sense as a long pitch.
Okay. What is the purpose of your prologue? I don't think you need it. Usually prologues are placed in there to give some back-story or hook a reader. Yours does not do either so I would remove it. Remember that you are trying to grab a reader’s attention as quickly as possible. You want them to read past line one to line two, onto line three and so forth. Just picture yourself as a reader who has no idea whatsoever what lies on those pages. An example I like to give is Life of Pi. I loved the way it began … and I continued to read on coz it started off well. However, had I started it later on in the book I’d have passed on it. I found the meat of the book not as interesting as the beginning, but guess what? I’d already bought the book, so I could either abandon it mid-way or finish it. That said, I’m glad I finished it coz the most interesting part of the book was the very end. Yes, that end made the book so compelling that I ended up recommending it. Sorry for going off in tangents, but I just want to emphasize how important beginnings are.

Grammar:
There are serious tense issues that need to be resolved.. like in chapter one.
My mom always said I was a determined girl who would definitely do anything she set her mind to.

***should be "My mom always said I was a determined girl and could do anything I set my mind to.****

Chapter One:
I don't understand what you mean when you say when you are a child that dreams are not really dreams ... they're plans. Whose plans? the child's? Really? If so, you'd better find another way to clarify your thoughts coz i don't see children planning anything. they just do what the adults around them tell them to do. But you see here ... i'm going off what I understood the sentence to mean. You might be intending something different and if so, then we've identified a problem with the communication.

Remember your readers come from different backgrounds and experiences. You've got to make things crystal clear so that each and every reader has a unity of understanding in line with your purpose.

Chapter Five:
This is an example of the grammatical clean up that you will have to do. In the beginning of chapter 5 you describe Candice as being your best friend twice in close proximity. So rather than doing that, you might want to merge the information and say "Candice, who had been my best friend since we were seven, and I would ..."
Or if that sentence reads too long (for me it does seem long, but I'm a fan of short choppy sentences so I'm biased like that).
omit telling us that she is you best friend in the first sentence and make it read like this:
--Candice and I would go back to our school keg parties every weekend. Candice had been my best friend since we were seven years old and we spent practically every day together since then.---
(something like that).
Plot: I think it is pretty clear that you are telling us a story of triumph. Not that I’ve gotten to that point but that would really be the only story worth telling, seeing as there are too many instances of failure.

Narrative: Okay, here is where you will have the bulk of your work cut out for you. I know this is non-fiction but you still have to make it read in real time. What I mean by this is you have to make stuff up about what people said in the past even though you don’t necessarily remember each word … I mean how could you. But you need dialogue in there and you need to describe the environment. The hospital, the woods, the clothes, the city. You need to describe your dad better, how he looked at you, what he said, how he moved, what he ate … your brother … your friends.
This is going to be a lot of work, but I suggest starting at chapter one and rather than editing what is there … plucking out the theme and then re-writing it so that it has all these elements.

Pacing: Your pacing is wonderful. You are able to tell so much in short paragraphs. I was able to fly through your chapters – I read 10 with no problem. However, since I suggest that you infuse dialogue and setting into these chapters I’m sure they will be longer. Sometimes you repeat things (I think there’s instance of this in chapter one).

Dialogue: this as mentioned before lacking.

I hope this helps. There’s such a strong story here. I say this coz I stopped at chapter 11 to give you this review but my eyes were glued. I sincerely want to know what happens to you and how you triumph so I will continue reading. So here’s my take, if you can find your authorial voice … something strong and unique -- Interesting prose, dialogue, scenery etc.. I believe this would be a story worth publishing.

I really wish you all the best with this!

Dayna,
What you've written is powerful. "My Side of the Story" shows how one traumatic event such as the loss of a loved one could trigger off a series of debilitating occurrences leading to the obliteration of a life. It's an oft repeated story of people thrown off kilter and seeking balance in drugs or alcohol, a story all too familiar to many of us. Thanks for sharing with us this part of you.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Dayna,
What you've written is powerful. "My Side of the Story" shows how one traumatic event such as the loss of a loved one could trigger off a series of debilitating occurrences leading to the obliteration of a life. It's an oft repeated story of people thrown off kilter and seeking balance in drugs or alcohol, a story all too familiar to many of us. Thanks for sharing with us this part of you.

Kenneth Edwaerd Lim
The North Korean

What a powerful story. I believe your story can help millions of people. I, myself, have a family member that has struggled some hardships. I must admit, after reading your book, I feel I may understand my nephew a little better, and may now have a better chance of helping him. Please keep me updated as to when more chapter will be up. It is so interesting so see how you felt one way, but acted another. Very interesting and enlighting. You made me think in ways I never have before. Changing my outlook. I have even recommended that his mother read your book, as I feel it may help with her confusion.
I hope your life stays good, because I have a feeling you are going to help a lot of people. It won't surprise me to see you one day telling your story live.
Best of luck to you.

Dayna,
I just popped back in because of something else I read in one of the comments left here. Something about it has been naggig at me, and I finally realized just what it was. THE COVER!!!!! I think the cover is brilliant! If any of these people have actually read what you have written to this point, then I don't understand why it isn't obvious, so far, most of the horrendous attacks you have experienced, the rape, the brutal beating, your trips to Philly, even the partying you had done, were either at, or on the railroad tracks,,,,,,,,, It was a brilliant choice for the cover. Just winging it here now, but how about a tiny hint, am I correct in guessing that theres more to your story, that surrounds the railroad tracks???? I understand the symbolic reasoning behind the Tracks, and think its genious. So, do I get a hint?? Also, since I feel some readers don't seem to get that its not finnished, when can we expect more??? Thin Mint

Dayna,

I can't help but wonder, if you're the person writing this book, how it is that others tell you, how and what to write in your book. I understand that this is for everyone reading this book to leave their comments, whether to help you, or tear you down, but you've already shown us, that you have the inner strength to stand your ground. Thats exactly what, in my opinion, you should do, hold your ground. Its easy for any of us, reading your life story, to tell you to do it this way, or write it that way, but WE didn't live it! Unfortunately, that was you. And God bless you, for surviving what you did. In my opinion, tell your story,,,,, you lived it, you tell it, and the parts that you enter into more detail, are the parts that effected you the deepest. The parts that some think you didn't dive deep enough into, I felt all came together, when the time was right. It became one of those moments of "OH, thats why she put that in there, because it tells how she got to here!" I thoroughly enjoyed what you have written to date, and will continue to check in, impatiently waiting for more to follow. I admire you, for sticking to what I believe, is true to yourself. Looking forward to reading more. Thin Mint

Hello Dayna;

I’ve read all of the chapters that you’ve uploaded. I won’t give you a traditional crit, as this is a non-fiction memoir and should be approached differently. First of all, from this site we’ve learned that Harper Collins will snatch up a true life book, regardless of the writing, so I won’t even bother with that—I’ll just say that the book does need a good edit, but it isn’t anything that couldn’t be fixed.

I think there is a market for this type of book, and these books are popular with the Christian book buyers if indeed there is more about your faith in the book. I see the value of your story in here—you’ve certainly lived through quite a bit of things.

Reading this was like watching a mix between the TV shows “Intervention” and a 20/20 special. I think you need to focus on more of the unusual things that have happened to you—give us more details about the attack when your head was bashed in and show us the gritty, raw side to what was happening. Some of these instances are moved through too quickly. Let the reader breathe and fear more with you; it will help the story along.

I think your short and long pitches are your keys to getting this book looked at by an agent; but they are also your hurdles because they both need a lot of work. I’m sorry I’m not very good with them, or I’d take the time to help you. I’d suggest looking at searching the forum threads for someone who is good at pitches to help you, or to post a thread asking for help on them. You could also look at some of the more popular agent blogs for some assistance. They need to be catchy and you will need to highlight the more sordid details of what has happened in your life.

Best of luck with this!
Lucia

Hi. My computer just froze, partly froze, so going to check out. Also, the bold face type is a little glaring on my eyes. Will plan to come back to his later. It's still on my shelf. FEL

What a gutsy heart wrenching story. It gripped me from the start. I know that hole that you sank into. It has taken forty years to emerge from mine..but that's because I've been a fool! What goes on in between you have recaptured and conveyed to the world with eloquence and courage. My side of the story is one of the best on site and deserves to be on the top of the pile. I would relinquish my place gladly for a book of this quality and richness. Backed with pleasure.
Laurence Howard, The Cross of Goa

I can't wait to read more!

MY SIDE OF THE STORY

a BHCG crit

COVER: Doesn't tell me much..."I'm from this side of the tracks" or "Everybody loves the sound of a trainwhistle?" heh...please feel free to contact me about doing something more representative for you.
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/51100/free-book-cover-/

TITLE: I'd say its okay. Certainly with everything I comment on I hope you won't take offense as I certainly don't mean to be so but if I saw it on a shelf...I'd probably glaze by.

SHORT PITCH: The all caps is annoying to me. Years back when I learned all caps online is like shouting...I can't help but read it as such...not sure if everyone is that way so it might not matter...the other thing it does is make me think "title" and I know that's not the intent. As to the content I'd say it needs a little focus...I want a hint more at how pain is a OoBE inducer in your book...something to make me feel less...new agey about it possibly?

LONG PITCH: Ah, sorry just noticed that this is NF. You might work that aspect into the short pitch. Give it more of the South American Jewelled butterfly with damaged wing quality. Make me want to zoom in and see. Think of me and the others reading this as being Oprah and your way to gain access to the show and her audience. As it is, I'm not all that interested in finding out what you were in such pain and better now...mainly because there's no specifics.

TEXT: I'm not a fan of prologues...others, I'm sure would disagree but you might want to read this.

http://pubrants.blogspot.com/2010/02/why-prologues-often-dont-work.html

and with yours...as I felt when I read it in the LP...I'm not hooked. I could ignore it and not have missed a thing.
Ch1...gah...I'm sorry but its got nothing to pull me in and after that prologue I should have some real specifics of what to expect in the rest of the book. Really all you'd need to do is say "I had a lovely childhood in an average supportive home."
Ch2/ch3...good...I get the passion here. I feel the pain (horribly sad...sorry) and then addiction on top of it...I wonder if others in your family passed the genetics along to you or if you developed the disease all on your own.

Oddly, having known others who trod similar paths, I'm wishing for a tale from this time period that might make me empathize more.

tra la la...I was put away and came out still singing the same tune. Okay...but what makes ME interested in reading that? How many friends of mine have I listened to their rough days of youth tales told...and only the ones where I got some good gutsNglory do I remember.

Make me remember these days of yours...make me think "wow, she's got something in her that needed to be written...the power, the poetry..." rather than "hm, sad story of heartbreak...it's a bit like a quick diary and general overview of the painful bullet points."

Its so non-chalant, makes me almost feel annoyance rather than sympathy. "Oh and by the way, I cut my wrists...now, you know I had it tough with my mom and that I drank but well, I did have a ton of friends who loved me - still, I cut my wrists...don't you feel bad for me?"

When you found the razor...did you first explore using the kind you shave your legs with as an option? When the blood was seeping out...were you thinking "god, you fucker, left me in a state to do this...here I come Mom!" or with the help you received was there ever any kind of "My shrink had earlobes so wobbly I wondered if her ears might fall off every time she moved...that unbalance left me wondering how she'd help me find mine. Might have been her earrings and not the lobes when I think of it now but all that is shallow baloney and I can tell now as I write that, I'm just avoiding what should really be focused on.." etc heh...something that might clue me into the real pain/confusion/difficulty of the time.

chp5 has a bit more of what I've been looking for.

I wonder how self-aware you are. After all that horror you've lived...this doesn't have that ring of "I know how others will view this and I have a real reason for writing it beyond the therapeutic/cathartic aspect" so much as "I hope others feel sympathy for what I've been through and can possibly learn something too" I mean...it's not that the last bit is a wrong way...or bad(sharing your life, helping others who've been through similar paths can be helpful)...but a book like this to work (for me) needs that self-aware power poetry.

I think you're a brave person for writing it and wanting to share but you know...in our times...of "I've got my period" shared on Facebook or "I just fucked my best friends girlfriend and let him beat the shit out of me because LOOK MOM, I'M ON TV" world we live in...I think books like yours need the self-aware taken to the max...need the attention getting aspect removed as much as possible, need intimate details delivered with a grace and integrity that don't make me think of those other kinds of FB/Reality TV worlds.

I hope that helps...I'm sorry if it feels...hurtful. Its not meant to be.

Totally arrogant of me and please forgive but well...I sort of can relate:
http://www.sendspace.com/file/ck7k1s

I think the best I can start out with is WOW! I never imagined to come across such a book, by an Unknown. I have to say, I'm not really sure what gravitated me to this particular book, but I must tell you Dayna, that you had me enthralled, right from the beginning. I've read some people's comments here, stating that you "glossed" over your childhood. I thought the amount spent on your childhood was plenty, consicering this book isn't actually about your childhood, Its where the demon was born. It was just the impact it had on where and why your life turned around, and how it changed your entire way of thinking about the life you thought you were headed for, any more than that, and I feel you would have given the wrong impression of what was to come.

I felt your anger, as you looked at your Grandmother, in that Hospital, that she couldn't even treat your Mother with the tiniest amount of empathy. I was actually moved, as it seemed it was at that moment, that you were compelled to have been trained with Angels, yet, you were compelled to live with devils. It is genuine, and unique, how you began to hint at the tragedy that was to follow. A very powerful, yet dark beginning to a well written story to come. When you traveled into your earlier years, and with such graphics, you began to describe the horrific details of your experience in the woods with Mike, I was not only moved to bring several tears to my eyes, but almost could feel the urgency, in which he had been determined to kill you. With each thrust of that pipe, taking away, not only pieces of your scull, but pieces of your very soul. Just the very nature of the act, took a piece of my heart with it. That any human being could take such pleasure in what he was inflicting on you appaled me. Then, to see friend after friend, turn and walk away, or the fact that you felt you had to push them away, tore at my very core. All this, just to be notice, yet not noticed, to be cared for, yet not to care at all, you seemed to bring together so fluidly. Then, the arrival of your son. What a bitter sweet moment, throughout all the obsticles in front of you, is purely amazing. After enduring so much, to see it all just begin to slip right away from you, once again, was purely tragic. I could feel the heart wrenching decision, to leave your only son with Toms parents, in order to get your life straightened out, and again, could feel the tears, as they welled up in your eyes. What should have been your lifes journey to a happier place, seemed to get stepped on, at every turn, by "your destroyer" yet you kept pushing with such determination, that you and Tom were not only going to get clean, and stay clean, if only for the sake of a child! You are a very strong woman, that at this point, seem destined, to be the best mother, YOUR MOTHER, and would crush anything in your way to be that for him. To feel that wave of hope, when you decided to reach for that phone in the Hotel, with the knowlede that you were going to the hospital to get clean, brought yet another pang to my heart. Finally, seeing the light at the end of the tracks, you were doing so well, just to be put back out on the streets, letting these professionals know, full well, that you knew you wouldn't make it, even that week and a half, before going into rehad. I was sickened, once again, Your doing the right thing, and everywhere you turn, its as if they imagine they can just place a bandade on you, and send you away, with the knowledge that as soon as that bandade fell off, you would end up at the beginning, once again. There is so much more I could say at this point, but I fear I will ruin the book for others, so, I'll just say this, I am impatientely awaiting the Chapters to follow. You have me completely drawn in. This is deffinately a book I will back, and have already have it on my watch list. Best to you. Sincerely, Thin Mints

Hi Dayna,

Very sad beginning with the mother's death, makes me feel for the family's loss. I just tried reading past chapter 3 and got locked out due to editing so will have to come back later to read and back it since it won't currently let me. Since the profile said not to worry about grammar but just style, those are the thoughts I will share.
Also, In the prologue, it's difficult on my eyes and brain to read all caps for very long. It feels like EVERYTHING IS BEING SHOUTED AT ME, when that's probably not your intent. Same is true with bold lettering. Just my opinion, but why not just go with normal lettering?

-Jason

After readingthe first seven chapters you have posted, I am blown away. I see there are some who say the first two chapters aren't paced the same as the rest but I think you pull the reader right in. I, myself had a best friend anmed Candace and still do thirty years later. The rape and then switching Her God it up to Her Destroyer is brilliant. There are so mant great one liners in this; a thought-provoking thriller is in its own gnere. This is one
of the better narratives here on Authonomy IMHO. Shelved for sure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

I am so proud of you. You exemplify the perseverance of the spirit.

I am so proud of you. You exemplify the perseverance of the spirit.

I've been looking forward to read this book, from the minute I heard about it. It is so difficult to look at someone, and wonder how they ended up here, but when that person you're looking at is yourself, and you're digging into the depths of your being, the pain must be horrific. I feel that anyone that could look that deep, to relive every single moment, you have to have become such a strong, well driven person. I am so looking forward to finishing this edge of your seat, nail biting story, I had a hard time putting it down. Impatiently anticipating the next time I can curl up, and dive back into this book.

This is very good. You write well apart from ch 2.
It is axiomatic that writing a book should be a matter of 'show' don't 'tell'.
You start the book talking to the reader. You say that there was your parents and your brother in your life. It is a bald statement, skipped over quickly and gone then without texture. You could start the book by giving a scene in which you and your father are doing something, even sitting talking and then reveal the people and their relationships through the dialogue. Show your feelings, don't tell the story. Let the reader understand indirectly. It's what writing is all about.
Start by introducing a person. Make a story question so the reader says I wonder what happens next? Then describe the scene, then have something happen, then dialogue, then the consequences of the actions and maybe introspection. Then you have a complete scene - a picture.
You do this just about, in chapter 3 which is where the story starts. That chapter is a cracking opportunity to pull at heartstrings and draw emotion from the reader. You could of course start with ch 3 and drip-feed the contents of ch2 in gradually as you go along.
Don't change anything on my say so though. See if others say the same before you consider any changes. I'm only an amateur writer too.
Backed.
best of luck with it.

Well, after talking with you in the forums, I decided to take a look at your book and I am incredibly bummed at my timing. I hate to tear myself from your story in order to run my errands, but I must so I watchlisted your story and am going to finish reading it later this evening. The way you describe the pain you went through as a teenager made me feel almost like it was my own. I almost cried. There are a few minor spelling, grammatical errors; but other than that, you have really sucked me in and made me want to know more. I am looking forward to finishing it! Best wishes
Darlene

Hi. Regretfully, I only had time to brows through but I like what I read and I’m backing it. I’ll try to come back for more and in depth commentary. Tell me which chapter you would like me to pay close attention to?
Meantime, could you please check TO KILL A DEAD MAN?
Thanks.
Dan

Hi Dayna, Just wondered when we are going to see some more of My Side Of The Story? I have now read ,in part at least, many offerings on this site and yours, being an honest portrayal of your own life, stands out for this reason. I am a father, with daughters round about your age, one of whom has lead a particularly complicated and difficult life.I therefore have a special interest in your relationship with your own dad and hope that,in subsequent chapters, we might learn more of the emotional ties involved, hopefully from his point of view, as well as your own? Take care,
Carl

Hi Dayna,

I just popped over to look at your book. I always try to offer helpful suggestions, so please don't be offended by any criticism. It will be well meaning. + you can ignore me completely if you think I'm wrong. :)

1 I found the varied font sizes and colours distracting. I'd recommend having 1 font in black. After all, this is a serious story that's plainly important to you. I doubt you want it seen as cartoony.

2 There are some typos, but I noticed you said on your profile this is a work in progress, so I won't belabour the fact. I'd just recommend checking through your manuscript for typos when you have time.

OK I've read through to the end of the 4th chapter now. I'm not going to nitpick in my usual way for a couple of reasons. (i) I don't write true life stuff so I don't feel I'm as qualified to offer useful feedback on this form of writing. (ii) This is plainly a v important and personal story for you, so I don't want to be callous.

I will say your book is compelling. It's accessible and simply written, and all the more affecting for that. This brings the tragedy into sharper focus. I can see people who've been through tough times themselves empathising with you.

I do wish you well with this book, and hope you manage to get it published. Even if you don't, I think you've done a wonderful thing by writing your story.

Pete x

Dayna. I um, I, well, just give me a second will you...............................................................................................................



Ok, I'm alright. Dayna, I have just read your prologue and your 1st chapter. If it wasn't exactly 6am here in the UK and I hadn't been up all night writing another chapter to my own book I would probably sit-up and read your book to the END. That's right, to - the - end !

This is perhaps the ONLY book so far that has actually moved me on this site, really moved me. I am angry with your grandmother, what you must have felt towards her, well, can't even imagine, even though you're trying to tell us how you felt.

Your prologue - I was ready to jot down a note (I sometimes take notes on chapters I read of others then i don't forget when I leave my comment) and say to you to lose the colours and change the font to Ariel, but NO, you leave that as it is, now I get it, and yours is the only book I've seen in one month of me being here that SHOULD have those colours and fonts.

I myself am writing about a female who is homeless and pregnant, and the comments left for me are the same...'this is a powerful and dark story' - Dayna, let me tell you, YOURS is a powerful and dark story.

And, you can write, I really like your writing style...to the point, effective and not laden with huge words I have to search Google to find out what they mean.

FULL stars from me now and on my watch list. As soon as I've honoured my current shelf commitments this book WILL be on my shelf.

I'm back tomorrow evening to read at least another 3 chapters !

Wow, way to go Dayna.

Sir Daniel.

The DEAD Bloc

I like the way you describe the family life in concrete, specific terms in Chapter 1. The part about "no telltale signs ..." hints that this idylic childhood is headed for some kind of disaster. The details feel unique and genuine, not something you paste into your story but the very stuff of life. I like this story. I am putting on the WL now so that I can give a longer reading later on.

FEL

A painful and deep, emotional book. I hope writing this account of your life has proved to be cathartic for you. You deserve a new beginning and much happiness. Best Wishes. Bradley Haynes (Tricia)

This is a very emotional story - and the heartfelt writing is perfect to covey the emotion.
You have a story, and I have no doubt that you will find a publisher.
There are quite a lot of minor errors still, so you need to find someone to go over it, line by line, and correct those errors. There was also a slight ambiguity in Ch 3, 'driving behind the ambulance,' which sounds like the child is the driver rather than the passenger.
Very well done, I wish you luck with it, and to be backed. Marj.

I wanted to take a break from my writing, and only intended on reading maybe a chapter or two, but ended up getting through your intro and 5 chapters. I would've read on too, if I had the time. Your story almost had me to tears, it was so sad. Reading the fiction on here just doesn't have the same effect that it does when you know something has happened. Your mother dying, the pain that it caused afterwards, and then the rape were all heartwrenching. You have a lot of guts, as well as talent, to be able to put this down on paper in such a clear cut manner, allowing the reader to follow this very hard part of your life.

In regards to your writing style, as said above, you do have talent. Not many stories on this website has me reading past the third chapter, or even the first. I liked how things flowed easily, leading from one aspect of your life to the next in an orderly and chronological fashion. Your choice of words were also good, straight to the point, but also doing justice to your voice and feelings.

I noticed a few grammatical mistakes that I jotted down for you. They didn't detract from your story at all, but I thought you'd like to know where they were as I always appreciate it when someone does this for me.

Chapter 1:
First paragraph, your line: ...but I choose actress. **Change "choose" to "chose."
Second paragraph: There is no tell tale signs I could pin point... *Change to: There were no telltale signs that I could pinpoint.
Chapter 2: Capitalise "mommy" in your brother's dialogue.
"Don't worry day, I'll be ok." Change to: "Don't worry, Day, I'll be OK." **In regards to abbreviations, they need to be capitalised. Otherwise, you can use "okay."
Your line: ...and prayed "God please, please take care of my mum...home with me". Change to: ...and prayed, "God, please, please take care of my mum...home with me."
-14 year old should be 14-year-old.
-Your line: ...said to her mother "mom, I love you." Change to: ...said to her mother, "Mom, I love you."
-The sentence where your dad reacts to the bad news of your mother's death needs to be broken into two sentences, replacing the comma with a fullstop in you lines here: said something to him quietly, I saw my dad cry a cry...
Chapter 6: When Candice screamed: "there she is"!! Change to: "There she is!!"

That's it. I hope this is of help, and I wish you all the best. Kind regards, Marita.

Hi Deyna, Just got up to date with your story. It has become more graphic as it progresses but I still think there is room for more detailed information about the physical and emotional impact of the drugs. I have never done drugs and although I enjoy a couple of beers, it is a long time since I got really drunk. I'm guessing there's a lot of people on this site in a similar position. You know what it's like to be high and to crave the next fix...we don't. I'm sure you have the literary skills to portray those intense emotions in more graphic detail. I look forward to the next chapters. Carl
PS I'm thrilled with some of the comments I'm getting about Change of Circumstance. I hope you'll find time to read some of it soon.

Hi Deyna, Just got up to date with your story. It has become more graphic as it progresses but I still think there is room for more detailed information about the physical and emotional impact of the drugs. I have never done drugs and although I enjoy a couple of beers, it is a long time since I got really drunk. I'm guessing there's a lot of people on this site in a similar position. You know what it's like to be high and to crave the next fix...we don't. I'm sure you have the literary skills to portray those intense emotions in more graphic detail. I look forward to the next chapters. Carl
PS I'm thrilled with some of the comments I'm getting about Change of Circumstance. I hope you'll find time to read some of it soon.

How totally wonderful you are, Dayna!! :) Thank you so very much for backing my memoirs/testimony book. :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have gold ******-rated both of your books :) - hope you've ****** 'd mine, too. Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because, I'm #1 on the editor's desk & I don't want to lose traction & to remain in the top 5 to be chosen February 28. :) Please read my profile page: I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after almost 1 year of trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Dear Dayna, I love that your are telling, "this is how I took my power of perception back, found my balance, and learned to smile after the tears" "nothing is either good or bad until we label it, correct?" "pain so bad... pain is emotional and spiritual... that's how it's been for me," as your pitch/prologue portrays ;( - my heart goes out to you because I've been sick with lupus my whole 70 years & it just gets worse & worse with more & more complications, like I'm going to die any minute, as you can read on my profile page, but my struggling to even sit here keeps me focused on God Who is my strength. :) As I read through your book of being a little girl & on through your mom dying, I teared up because I haven't have my mom since 1986 & still miss her so (I have a chapter on her in my memoirs), but I've never thought of God as my destroyer because since I was tiny, He's been in my heart & even when I've made bad choices, He has always been merciful to me & loved me. :) As I kept reading of being raped, I've been raped a lot of times, but not to the extent of my friend where she was kidnapped, raped & they were going to kill her, but she escaped, so I fortunate there, of course, God's mercy. :) Yes, you are right, "sex is not love," even though they try to persuade you of it & I've been beat by a jealous woman, but I got away. :) As I read on through your ch. 25 & your precious son, Bryan, I again reflected at after 6 abusive marriages & 3 children, it's amazing that you & I are still here :) - God has a plan. :) I have read & commented on your book & will back it when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) - I would really appreciate it because I have been trying to be chosen in the top 5 of the editor's desk for almost a year & on 1-1-11, I was #4, but 2 other people passed me, pushing me into #6, so I didn't get chosen January 31 & am #1, but need backings to anchor me in so I don't slide out again & so I'll be chosen in the top 5 February 28. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your help. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing more than 24 hours & the longer on our bookshelves, the more they move up, per authonomy's new rules Oct 2010 :)

Hi Dayna,
This is indeed a tragic story. I'm guessing from the mere fact that you have written it that your life has improved considerably in more recent times. in a way it seems almost patronising to criticise such an emotinal tale but I do feel that you have rushed through it too quickly. I would like to know a lot more about yourself and the people that were a part of your life. Why was religion obviously important to you in those early days?Why did you start drinking but not your brother? I just feel that you have so much more to tell,either through more detailed description or possibly dialogue. I look forward to reading the next part. Please let me know when it's up and running.Best wishes,
Carl Horton

I have given your book 6 * because i think you deserve it and it is also on my wl.