The Demon Lover

Prologue.
I'm in.
I will read on.
There isn't a word wasted and your prose puts flesh on decades of news about 'trouble in Lebanon'. Youssef cld almost me Joseph and Karim Christ. There is a timeless feel to the beginning. But then the destruction if rapid and total. There can be no going back after it. And events like that must have happened thousands of times in thousands of little dramas such as the one you describe to make the tapestry of seemingly mindless violence that goes to make up history. I've read more next week and can easily imagine reading on and on.
I just started reading WOLF HALL by Hilary Martel in a cafe in my town. It's a prize winning book with all kinds of fancy dan comments in the fly leaf. But yours is far more immediate and powerful. I read 10 pages of the published book and thought 'It's OK, but, warmed up history given a gloss of fiction, but, but ...' What I have read of yours is better than what I read of the published book.

Rhonda,
From the very first sentence, I knew "The Demon Lover" was a winner. Your craftmanship shows masterfully in your prose employing words that depict scene and action so welll. The sexual tension between Karim and Angel is palpable, taking a life of its own. I'm deeply immersed in your book and reading on hungrily. Thank you.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

After two days of reading I finally finished all 40 chapters of this well told story.
The characters come to life on the page that completely engages the reader as we become swept up in the drama of the situation Angel finds herself in and the increasing feelings she has for Karim the man who is her captor.
A wonderful forbidden romance story embedded in the harsh realities of life in Beiruit in the eighties when so many factions were vying to take control and the pain and suffering of the people who had to endure the worst of it.
Rhonda, you've brought this story to life so masterfully, it reads like a published novel already, I think this one will be picked up no worries. I'd certainly buy a copy.
Excellent job,
Cheers Jacoba
It will be going and staying on my bookshelf for a lengthy period of time, hopefully until you hit the editor's desk.

This setting seems as appropriate now (as always) with the turmoil in the Middle East. The combination of love, sex, politics, and history is sure to attract quite a following.

Rhonda,
I'm upto ch5 and totally hooked! This so good...The characterisation of Angel and Karim superb and the tension on the plane between the two, and Ian excellent. Loving this and reading on. Wishing you the best of luck with this. Backed with pleasure.
Babs

I've read the first 10 chapters of your book. I think your story is solid and your historical information on point. I have been a little confused by all the italics throughout the story. Your dialogue is excellent. I have enjoyed reading the dialogue and the flow of the conversations. Some of the narratives are a little long and maybe somewhat unnecessary as I found in the last chapter I was staring to skim instead of full on read. A possible way to alleviate this would be to use more dialogue (your definite strong technical point).

For the record I thought your story thus far was rivoting, on point, and your technical flare for dialogue is superb.
Thank you for the opportunity to read the first 10 chapters.

Hi, I'm back. Can't believe it's been two weeks.

Beginning of Chapter 8 is a good continuation of Chapter 7.

You have a line near the beginning, "Was she already dead?" It's in italics. What's that supposed to mean? Why not make it a thought? "Am I already dead?' That would "show" more and be more active. Also break the narrative a little sooner.

I'm trying to figure out your use of italics. It seems a little indiscriminate from the beginning. If you use italics for everything, they don't mean anything.

Your narrative continues in very active voice. I'm proud of you fro not falling back on passive.

You have a sentence down where they're trying to get Angel out of the van that needs re-work, "She felt the rush of turbulent, hot air she being was thrust forward." Only you know what you're trying to say.

Okay, here's a Bob-ism I haven't shared with you yet. Even though you use the word properly, don't use the same word twice in close proximity. The word in question this time is "other." Consider what you say, The young man gripped her with one arm, scooping bags up with the other. After the other two men jumped..." It's not wrong. I don't think it sounds good.

Good imagery - "...beckoning eye of calm in the storm's midst..."

I think you rushed through this chapter. Here's another sentence that needs re-work. "Angel hurled a stream of muffled protests at him. attempting to twist away as he an shoved an arm..."

Your falling into passive voice while waiting in the shop. Some of that's okay after the last chapter and a half, but you could eliminate a lot of the "hads" and "thats" and tighten it up a bit. For example, instead of saying, "...the door that led into the main body of the shop." you could say, "...the door leading into the main..." Does that make sense to you or is it just me? It seems there's a lot you can do with this long, long narrative.

Who's Zelda? Her introduction is a shock and a little confusing. I'm not sure the whole flash-back is necessary here. The parts about Karim on the streets of DC and at Langley could be tucked somewhere else.

Good hook, as always, at the end.

Talk later.

Old Bob

Romance crit - Demon lover

Title: - yep suits the book and original

Plot: Well you already know that I love this book, but the plot is one of the most up to date modern twists anyone has come up with. Everyday we see supposed terrorists on TV, but one mans terrorist is another mans freedom fighter. Because we title them we don’t think they can love. You show us that they can.

Pacing: The story flows along well and personally I like a strong narrative. I can see that you’ve done a lot of work on this from the last time I read it and it shows. This is a very strong and tight read.

Characters: Unusual but believable and very real. They are well developed and you keep us wanting more of them.

POV: POV is clear, nothing wrong there.

Sentence structure: Grammar, spelling? Here is where I can see that you’ve done a great deal of work. The writing is tight, and you’ve made sure nothing sticks out and everything fits together well.

Dialogue: Suitable for the characters, the settings and their area of the world. Fits well.

Originality: As ive said already, one of the most original thought provoking books on here.

Best of luck with this, I love it am sure others do too
Clair

Very compelling beginning. Will have to come back to read more. Backed and rated, based on what I've read.

Cat
Twisted

Demon Lover - is it really over a month since I last visited you? That's very remiss of me. You seem to have been busy with changes.

Ch.5. I dont think you need to say Angel glanced nervously through the window - her state of mind has been more than adequately described already. (Yes, it's me on my hobby horse again).

'Angel's heart thudded in rhythm with the next series of concussions.' Yes. What vibrant words.

You mention distant and distance in the same paragraph after she's had her soup anddrink. I am enjoying her thoughts and wonderings, with a smattering of family information. I wasnt aware she had fallen.

Your move into Karim's POV is seamless. I must take a lesson from that.

Your story is as enthralling as ever. Dont know why you're not higher in the rankings.

Ch.6. I've read right through this chapter without making a single note. But unlike Bob below, I'm not going to read it again. You are a mine of information on the middle east, and I feel I am riding with those men in that van, thinking their thoughts.

Jane. (Breath of Africa).

Chapter 7

Rhonda, I think you're falling into too much detail. Why is it important to name both the artist and the song Nidal's listening to at the beginning of this chapter? You already established that all the young people listen to American music, why keep hammering at it?

Wow, I didn't take a single note for the rest of the chapter. What an exciting read. Great dialogue moved the whole thing very quickly. Sounds like you were there, taking notes, when this originally happened. It's very interesting to see what really goes on.

I didn't pick up too many technical issues, but when you're dealing with dialogue, almost anything goes. This chapter is as good, or better, than your first - for different reasons. What a thriller, I'm impressed.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Chapter 6

I'm sorry if I appear not to be nice.

Your first sentence would make Marcel Proust proud. You only have three sentences in your first two paragraphs. Seems a little awkward,,,

I'm a few paragraphs into the small talk and I'm thinking, "So what?" If you're looking to pare back some words, you can do it here. For example, why is it important to know that chloroform has damaging effects on the ozone layer? You really don't need all the parenthetical remarks early on. Are you trying to show Karim's softer side, maybe? It works better with "thinking" rather than narrating.

I can understand using street language in dialogue - depending on the situation. I even get it somewhat in the narrative, but I don't really see its overuse is quite this necessary, at least in this early context. (Don't get me wrong, I was a Marine - I swear like a sailor).

Okay, so I'm about a third through and I start getting vibes Karim may be some kind of a double agent (is that right)? That still doesn't justify all the proceeding BS.

You said "...force-fed me..." instead of "...force-feed me..."

Your dialogue is so good, you should amplify it early on and minimize the narrative (in this chapter).

The use of the term "...acceptable guy fashion..." takes the anonymity out of the third person and makes it definitely female - is this what you want to do?

You are starting to begin a lot of your paragraphs (center of chapter) with a name: "Nidal was saying...", "Nidal frowned...", "Karim had to laugh...", "abed decided..." You should be careful of this.

I think you're over using the "wallowing in guilt" expression.

You say "Cuff Nidal for his potty mouth..." That's so out of character. How about even using ...foul mouth..." or something more suited to the conversation?

This chapter is too long. A good place to cut if you still need to.

Hope you still love me :-)

Old Bob

I love, love, love this!

I mean to comment weeks ago, but I wanted to read through the whole thing first. Unfortunately because I've been so busy I decided to leave a little something here, and then give you the full review once I've made my way through the rest.

I think that your plot is famous. Never read a terrorist-based romance before (and I know that this is really a thriller with romantic elements, not a regular romance), and I have to say that I was intrigued. I like how you introduced Karim with the scene from his home village, so that we can get some insight into what motivates him to be the hard-hearted (yet sexy!) man who totes around deadly weapons and hijacks a plane.

I like the interaction between Angel and Karim-- believable, but the underlying sexual tension is still present. Karim seems a bit too Americanized in his use of the English language, but maybe he's spent a great deal more time in the states than I would have thought. My family is from Pakistan, so I know how they speak, and even after years and years of being in the U.S. they don't quite fling around the profanities and colloquialisms that Karim does. But they again, they're all old farts by now, so what do I know? ;)

Didn't know that there were Christian Villages in the Middle East. That's interesting.

The one thing I really have to nitpick is the fact that so much of the story that I've read so far is all telling from Karim's point of view-- which is okay except that there's not enough action to supplement it. At times it's okay since the action that does occur is powerful, but at times I sort of just sigh and wish that more was happening. Obviously it's important that you relate the information to your readers-- maybe you could find some way to incorporate that through more showing, more action. Backstory and introspection has its place, but when it goes on for too long it gets boring.

That said, I'm going to keep reading, and if I think of anything else to say I'll let you know. In any case, definitely starring and backing it, and if it's finished I would definitely want to read the rest-- I'm sure I'll get to the end of what you have soon! :)

Jasmine
To Catch a Falling Angel

Enjoyed this immensely. You have the ability to grab the reader and transport them to another time and place.
Superb.


Richard

Great first three chapters, although it was a bit lengthy. The violence seemed to play a bigger part than the romance. Overall well written.

Lisa
(Cheyenne - A Timeless Series Novel)

Chapter 5

First paragraph. I don't think buildings flash white, but they can be outlined in white flashes. Another technical point in this paragraph: If the rockets were so far in the distance and hit a building equally far in the distance, how could Angel see it open a ho;e in the roof of one, let alone see smoke and flames coming from it? I have some experience with explosions, albeit not in an urban setting. This just doesn't ring true.

Second paragraph. You say "...more lights launched...followed quickly by a third." A third what? Wave of lights? You didn't say...a second light... You said "...more lights..." so "...a third..." doesn't make sense. You don't have agreement.

(Aren't I getting picky?)

Paragraph four - last sentence. You say "...it would be their fault." This is very passive, even if you were to make it Angel's thought. In fact, your narrative is starting to become passive...

Rhonda, you're starting to fall into heavy use of "ly" adverbs.Be careful of this. It's the easy way out and significantly takes away from your otherwise excellent writing.

When you fall into dialogue, at which you are very good, you seem to move the story along much better.

I think most of the doctor/Angel scene with the soup could be cut. I can't see a lot of purpose unless it comes back for some reason in the next chapter or two.

As always, good hook at the end.

Old Bob

Rhonda, there is very little I can add that is new here other than what Elaine Black wrote about The Demon Lover. Of course, I've only read the chapters that are uploaded here and she has obviously read more but I agree with all she says and suggests. You have a great style of writing and your subject material is fine, just focus on the plot moving forward and make sure every sentence helps to move it forwards. So cut all you can cut because the reader's attention slips away when there is too much description and/or dialogue and too little clear-cut action. I
I also agree that this is more a thriller/war story than a romance, I don't think it fits the regular romance tag. The use of foreign language is great and shows you're on top of your subject material but make sure the English reader understands it.
The hard work of editing rounds has arrived. Your story stands, it only needs polishing. I wish you lots of luck doing that and getting The Demon Lover published. Starred and backed a few weeks ago. Hannah

Ch 2
I'm not reading right. It's late on a Friday night and I missed Ch 1 by accident and read 2. I then realised my mistake and read Ch 1. This is absolutely no reflection your writing, but I found myself considering how it might be for a man to achieve total focus, to defuse his sexuality and focus on whatever mission was at the core of his life. All the little glances and dramas that preoccupy us are draining. And even when a man succeeds in the great game it serves only to distracts him, to put him in the power of the woman, temporarily at least. My ideal wld be a man who never makes any effort to pursue a woman at any time in his life, who on occasion permits a woman to enjoy his company, but who never surrenders himself to her emotionally, who is unwinnable. Such a man wld be the ultimate challenge. He wld make a great president and a fine agent I think. His only purpose in life wld be his mission.He wld, essentially, be indifferent to woman. To achieve this state wld give him certain advantages in the greater game of man vs man. I think that is why the prologue won my attention so strongly as at the end of it Karim was a man with a mission which was strong enough to set him in this special place of being in the man vs man zone. My feeling is that men love beating other men far more than they love love. Women distract them from this boys' game. Men and women cause enough trouble, but men vs men cause far more. But there we are. Angel seems the perfect distraction. Perhaps for a man to be able to ignore women wld give him the ultimate advanage over his rivals. Or wld it make him so unbalanced as to be weak, deranged? Weren't the Knights Templar like this? Is that why Islam prefers women to be coverd? Male singlemindedness. But of course it causes wars as war is the ultimate competition. Does it make any sense for a man to make him steely, hard, unemotional, loveless, to be good at it though? What is the point of being good at war if you cease to be human, which many men do when the take up war? I sense Antony and Cleo may be in play again. The theme is timeless and universal. I think Karim received the perfect steeling to make him into the perfect warrior. But to what purpose? How do we deal with steeled men? A man who is beyond the power of women is very dangerous. My feeling is that religion is another form of steeling as it, too, steals men away from women.We are very dangerous animals. I've often wondered why and how men can die in suicide missions. It seems abnormal. But of course it is. But then to a steeled man it is not abnormal as they have moved beyond the normal states where a man is vulnerable to the power of women. That's what I was feeling as I read Chs 1 and 2. The mission becomes all, be it to become President, to rescue some hostages behind enemy lines, to blow up an airliner, or to cut a captives throat. A man with a mission is dynamic and exciting, with the most celibate and dedicated of mission men being the one that Cleopatras have to have. Such mission men are never happy as if they remain loyal to their mission they are unnatural. But if they betray their mission the danger is that they end up like Antony.

Well, you did a masterful job reworking Chapter 1. I especially like the way you worked in all of the Ruthie, Grandma, Grandpa stuff starting almost from the beginning and throughout the chapter. Much, much better. You even worked in "corny..." This time it works. Very active voice, very provocative, very good. You won't find me making any comments on this - except one. In the last sentence of the paragraph directly under the "Black like midnight..." thought, you say "...but a felt a grip..." Strike the "a" before felt.

Now the Prologue - needs help. Tons of "hads" and other passive voice.

Para 2 - "The Al Azhar home had yet to be introduced..." - try "The simple Al Azhar home existed long before the introduction of..."

"...life there had changed little..." - "life there changed little" and on, and on in almost every paragraph.

Other passive voice - "Karim could almost taste the panic..." - try "Karim tasted the panic..." In fact, that whole paragraph needs work (I think). Take a look. and in the whole prologue.

But, Chapter 1 is terrific!

Got that typo uncle dear! You're a tremendous help! I can't thank you enough for the help and support - and honesty!!!

Old Bob

Well, you did a masterful job reworking Chapter 1. I especially like the way you worked in all of the Ruthie, Grandma, Grandpa stuff starting almost from the beginning and throughout the chapter. Much, much better. You even worked in "corny..." This time it works. Very active voice, very provocative, very good. You won't find me making any comments on this - except one. In the last sentence of the paragraph directly under the "Black like midnight..." thought, you say "...but a felt a grip..." Strike the "a" before felt.

Now the Prologue - needs help. Tons of "hads" and other passive voice.

Para 2 - "The Al Azhar home had yet to be introduced..." - try "The simple Al Azhar home existed long before the introduction of..."

"...life there had changed little..." - "life there changed little" and on, and on in almost every paragraph.

Other passive voice - "Karim could almost taste the panic..." - try "Karim tasted the panic..." In fact, that whole paragraph needs work (I think). Take a look. and in the whole prologue.

But, Chapter 1 is terrific!

Old Bob

Just reading the comment below mine. While impression, without the Gay element, is of a demon vampire James Bond, 007 type yarn. If you don't have vampires or demons you been to rethink as the cover is the first thing potential readers see before the pitch. No cover would be better as most people are tired of vampires as it's been done to death with the Twilight saga.

I would establish the beginning with the chatter of the women as they go to the oven. Gossip, laughter, smells of early morning and all the other sites that make up this morning ritual. This would allow us to see and learn from the characters, rather than be told about them. Nothing wrong with your writing, but perhaps you are too eager to get to the action a hook your reader? Just my view or impression. I was drawn in but from a distance, when really I wanted to see the village in small steps. I would also suggest you change the book cover. At a glance it looks like it could be a Gay book and it's nothing like the cover when you start reading. Good luck.

Demon Lover – title is great - at first I thought of vampires or unearthly beings, there’s so much of that going around. Can’t really think of a better title - it is very catchy.
The cover is good but looks a bit like a chick-lit cover. It may stop readers from discovering the complex and original plot within.

The juxtaposition of the innocent, blonde girl against the dark, experienced male is a tried and tested romantic formula. It never fails to win fans.

I went straight to the airport meeting after briefly perusing the prologue. Read some of the plane hijacking and went to ch 14 & up, looking for the romantic connection.

When her gaze travels unconsciously up the “man’s legs” to admire his “wide shoulders” and then drifts to his midsection, it seemed out of order a little bit. (airport scene)

You give a lot of background on Angel and Karim during the airport scene. My head was spinning a bit and I lost the thread of it. I like the interplay between the couple. Your descriptions of the male lead are great. She’s a little too ‘sweet as pie’ and sugary but hey, I’m jealous!! Would she really know all those details about expensive shoes and watches? Honestly, some of the knock-offs are so good and she’s a little gal from the sticks who teaches kindergarten.

Can you get through airport security onto a plane without a passport? Usually they check it against your boarding pass.

A few words casually inserted in the narrative, like ‘pretty much’ or ‘pretty clearly’, take the reader out of the moment. It’s like an author intrusion.

Lots of lash sweeping from Nidal, watch out for too much repetition. That’s the stuff to cut out, if you use it too much it loses the effect.

I write flashbacks in italics and in separate chapters so as not to confuse the reader. Why are some words and phrases in italics? I can’t tell if they are thoughts or actually speech. They seem to be both.

I love all the foreign words. You need to add a glossary.

LOVE the story, the concept, and the characters. Some of your work needs a good edit and you likely know it does. I’m impressed with the word count. Do we need to chop some to make it more manageable or are you going for a saga length book?

The plot is good but a little confusing about who is who and what all the motives are. The ending seems to be predictable but I’m not there yet so I could be fooled by your direction. You have loads of details about characters drinking a beer, holding a gun, watching t.v. Perhaps a bit of a snip here and there may tighten up the mundane details

It does seem a bit violent for a romance tag. I think thriller/drama would be more apropos. The tying up, gun wielding, chaining in basements, coerced sex and male testosterone is not very conducive to romance.
Would she clean the apartment; perhaps the bedroom if its her space? She seems too perfect. So adaptable and understanding, very quick to tell him off, considering he’s a terrorist with a gun, a bad attitude and nasty associates. Parts of it are too convenient. They spend loads of time in the apartment bedroom without the plot moving forward. Yes the sex moves along but what’s happening other than a videotaping of her as a hostage and a few inferences regarding the big boss and nasty English.
Lots of it is pure genius but sometimes lapses into rote descriptions and dialogue.
Example: …make him feel wonderful too, like what he did for her. (Is there a better way to say it?)

The voice in Karim’s thoughts seems a little immature. All that ‘baby’, ‘sexy’, ‘baby’, ‘wanna do it’. We’re told he’s a well-educated man, *a linguist*, obviously skilled at dealing with the enemy. He’s experienced with women and highly sexed. But… he’s comes off a bit of a ‘hornball’ during the scenes with Angel.
Loads of potential. It’s just a question of deciding the genre and the level of romance versus sadomasochistic behaviour.
POV – most publishers for romance want mostly the girl’s perspective and some of the man’s. I have a tendency to write from the man’s pov and I love that. I even named my books after the male characters. (probably that’s not a no-no).
Rhonda, you are a talented writer/storyteller and you have a very original idea. The setting, the language barrier, and the political backdrop enrich the story and make the book extremely readable and interesting. Hardly anything to fix at all. Hope its at least a ‘happily for now ending’, if not a ‘happily ever after one’!!! Thanks for sharing and best of luck. I’ll keep my eye on you and do let me know when its available for purchase.
Backed and Starred to the Max.

Please cut Angel's entire back story. It's unnecessary to the plot. The plot is exciting, but the weight of it's pulling your story down. If her back story is so important have her explain it in dialogue later on. But cut it down!!!

I love this story, but I want to get the meat out from all the boring cut up lettuce you put on the first chapter. We're supposed to know everything about our characters. Don't switch to her POV and go into back story. Stick with getting off the plane.

I'll do a full review later, but this really jarred me.

Rhonda,

I read Ch23 as requested. On the whole it works well, but I found it hard to get into. The opening paragraphs are over-complex, I think. Things picked up as soon as you got to the dialogue. Smart, snappy, direct.

My most immediate suggestion would be to simply the opening sentence by breaking it down into several shorter ones.

I also recommend you check the spelling of "aids". I don't know if that's an allowable alternative but I would definitely uses "aides".

Hope this helps

Evie

BACKED ... Mr.Furioso put me up to it. He love it. Good enough for me. Good luck.

Prologue.
I'm in.
I will read on.
There isn't a word wasted and your prose puts flesh on decades of news about 'trouble in Lebanon'. Youssef cld almost me Joseph and Karim Christ. There is a timeless feel to the beginning. But then the destruction if rapid and total. There can be no going back after it. And events like that must have happened thousands of times in thousands of little dramas such as the one you describe to make the tapestry of seemingly mindless violence that goes to make up history. I've read more next week and can easily imagine reading on and on.
I just started reading WOLF HALL by Hilary Martel in a cafe in my town. It's a prize winning book with all kinds of fancy dan comments in the fly leaf. But yours is far more immediate and powerful. I read 10 pages of the published book and thought 'It's OK, but, warmed up history given a gloss of fiction, but, but ...' What I have read of yours is better than what I read of the published book.

Okay, I read Chapter 4. Again, I had to read the chapter twice. Once for impact. What an exciting story, what an exciting scene. A lot going on. Almost too much for one chapter (hint, hint).

For the first time I tend to think you're being a little over-descriptive. Ease up a little and leave something for the imagination.

I know it's in the vernacular to refer to someone , for instance, as - hey, English. But in your third person narrative is it appropriate to say "...the English was beyond it." or should it be "...the Englishman was beyond it."?

In an early paragraph you state "Karim..., arms folded across his chest, now let a hand strayed to his belt..." should be "...now let a hand stray ...".

"Uncoiling to stand erect, Karim's eyes fleched over the Englishman..." this is inconsistent with your previous 3rd person references to Ian as - the English- and goes to my previous question.

How can Karim think "Yalla" regarding Abed's timing in one breth and then in the very same scene, almost the very next breth, think of Mr. Klein as a "dude"? That's a quick transition between cultures, even for Karim.

After the kleins leave the plane the chapter gets a little long and slows down, even with all the action. Do you know why I don't like reading Thomas Wolfe? Because he says in five pages what he should be able to say in two paragraphs. Thirty years ago that worked, I don't think it's as important today.

This is a really great chapter. I'm just being picky about little things that bother me because I think it could be helpful, or not. As always, if you choose to disregard this message, it will self destruct.

Good night. Talk in the morning.

Old Bob

Rhonda,
From the very first sentence, I knew "The Demon Lover" was a winner. Your craftmanship shows masterfully in your prose employing words that depict scene and action so welll. The sexual tension between Karim and Angel is palpable, taking a life of its own. I'm deeply immersed in your book and reading on hungrily. Thank you.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Ch.4. Back to my first favourite read. This time I'll try not to get hooked on the story, and concentrate more on your technique.

My fad is adjectives. You have far too many! Practically every third noun has one, and several have two. Try eliminating most, (adverbs also), and see how the story becomes crisper, without losing the atmosphere.
'What-say, Mate?' doesnt need 'amiably' - the sidling up bit is enough.
Nor do you need the 'minimal' in the next line.
Then, maybe: Ian grimaced..... see what I mean?

You can do it: 'Pale eyes cutting toward Karim as he drank, goading for response' - is great.

That para of Angel's reaction to Ian is another case in point. Let's try eliminating some adjectives (and you dont need to tell the reader more than once that Ian has pale eyes).

'Jolted back to reality, Angel whirled from the window. Her gaze widened, darting to the mini-sub, then to anywhere but him. A slow grin spread across his lips; they would would have been sensual, were it not for their cruel twist. He reached out a predatory hand, to entangle it in her hair. He pulled down the length of one strand, watching her, and the end curled softy round his fingers.'

Or something like that ... hope this helps.

Brave Angel (may I concentrate on the story now?) So many dramatic events. And the mundane touch of her trying to get the blanket out from under the bag, makes it real.

Your imagination, and your ability to grip the reader are boundless.
I look forward to more..... meanwhile, more stars to make the world go round.
Take care, Jane.

Hello, Rhonda. Sorry to have to take this one chapter at a time. Just finished Chapter 3 and here's the problem - my problem, not yours. I started reading, got pulled in and read all the way through without thinking of looking for anything wrong. Good for you, a problem for me because I had to read it again.

Great dialogue mixed with individual thoughts. Lots of character development in those lines. Narrative is not overly done. I noticed some passive voice but, like you said, this is not always bad. In this case, it appropriately slowed the action down to help demonstrate the tediousness of the flight. Still use the word "had" a lot.

I'd be careful about large spans of philosophical musing. It can take you out of the story a little. It has its purpose, but I'm not sure where to put it.

This was a great chapter. I'll get back for more later.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Finally, I read Chapter 2. I've never read a romance, chic lit (really) book so this is fascinating. First thing I noticed is that I got all the way through without noticing the technical things I usually get hung up on. I guess this means I liked the way it moved so much that, if there were major problems, I didn't notice. After going back to skim again, there didn't seem to be any major problem.

I guessed the dark man was Karim, but nice touch keeping it quiet 'til the middle of the chapter. I liked several other things you did, like; "Mmmm, yes..." a great punctuation

When Karim thought about Angel saying "classified information" you also have him thinking it was a cornball line. I don't think that's a word an Arabic terrorist would use. Also, you use the words "his eyes burned into hers" a lot. It worked the first time, but needs variation.

I think in the second paragraph, toward the end , you say "...he be able..." Shouldn't that be "he'd be able..."?

And then, there's the convenience of the empty seat in first class - Ah, yes, the story. Is this how chic lit works?

You've done a good job of making everything real. I guess that's what happens when you've been there. The dialogue, what there is of it, is very believable. I had no idea until just this second that almost the entire chapter was narrative. This happens in my book because the main character is alone so much. Here, there are so many people around one would think you'd use more dialogue to move the story. This works though because the narrative gives Karim that "alone" persona.

I think I already mentioned that I think you're the best writer on this site. The issues I've pointed out are because you're rushing while the rest of us are learning. Take it easy. I'll bet HC will pick this one up. This is not because you're just a great writer. Mostly, if you have a good premise, that's more important. You, my dear, have that..

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

After reading the prologue and your first few chapters, all I can say is WOW! This is a superbly told story. With such interesting characters, engaging dialogue, and attention to detail, the plot plays out very well, leaving readers on the edges of their seats. Nice work!

After reading the prologue and your first few chapters, all I can say is WOW! This is a superbly told story. With such interesting characters, engaging dialogue, and attention to detail, the plot plays out very well, leaving readers on the edges of their seats. Nice work!

Dear Rhonda, Well, here I am to read your re-written ch.32. :) Totally lots of action :) - & empathy from me for Angel. :) "a blow-up doll" is excellent :) - I laughed out loud. :) I liked "maybe he'd buy her something pretty from one of the shops" :) - I love gifts. :) :) "Superman has an Achilles heel, right?" was great. :) Your whole story is engulfing & once I start reading, I can't stop. :) Greatest of writes. :) I am so glad that in my 70 years in California that I never had even seen a hint of war, except between my 6 abusive husbands & me, like between Angel & Karim in this ch. 32, so I pray lots. :) Love, Susie :)

After two days of reading I finally finished all 40 chapters of this well told story.
The characters come to life on the page that completely engages the reader as we become swept up in the drama of the situation Angel finds herself in and the increasing feelings she has for Karim the man who is her captor.
A wonderful forbidden romance story embedded in the harsh realities of life in Beiruit in the eighties when so many factions were vying to take control and the pain and suffering of the people who had to endure the worst of it.
Rhonda, you've brought this story to life so masterfully, it reads like a published novel already, I think this one will be picked up no worries. I'd certainly buy a copy.
Excellent job,
Cheers Jacoba
It will be going and staying on my bookshelf for a lengthy period of time, hopefully until you hit the editor's desk.

The Demon Lover.
Prologue - A riveting opening of despicable, casual slaughter that wipes out the inhabitants of a small village with the exception of fourtee-year-old Karim and a few young boys who are taken, and presumable forced into the ranks controlled by Ismaili. Interesting the beautiful four-year-old boy was spared, one wonders what horrors were in store for the poor child. Very powerful stuff.
Chapter 1 - Quite a bit of 'tell' about Angel that I feel could be incorporated as the story progresses. Like the way you conveyed the instant physical attraction Angel has for the gray-suited man, who I presume is Karim, although her meandering thoughts about Ruth Anne added little and didn't drive the story forward but, in my opinion, slowed it down. The awkwardness felt by Angel when she and this hunk of a man, finally spoke came across very well as did the passage where her bag popped open, spilling its contents, her confusion while collecting her things together and embarrassed escape. In my opinion, the flood of memories about various family members, relationships and events, were rather jarring and unnecessary backstory at this point of the story. Just when I thought the man in the gray suit would not appear again in this chapter, he did, and a good hook made to keep readers going further into the book.

Nanty - Chrys!

3 words.This is amazing.

Ch.3. Straight into the action. Tense and frightening - better than any film - your turn of phrase is vivid "fear siphoned the blood from her legs and they refused to respond."
You have a way with words, conveying the moment Angel's and Karim's eyes met, "softening the hard edge".
The plot twists, and your easy-to-read narrative reveals characters and explains the background. It is a long book, delving deep into the story. Evidence of many hours' hard work, which, when edited down in places, will turn into a compelling read.
You will remain in my rotation, too, Rhonda. Best wishes, friend!

This isn't the type of book I'd normally pick up, so it's a testament to the incredible writing that I found myself completely absorbed. It is beautiful, intricate, well researched and should be published. I gave it 6 stars.

This really caught my eye, and it is a really interesting story
i hope u write more soon, cause im waiting to found out what happens to Angel
and what Karim does

GreenGirl525

A good and suspenseful read - enjoyed it. Will back it when its turn in the line up comes around.

"The Demon Lover" - Rhonda Parker. I read the 1st chapter and scanned several comments. Bookshelf for quick character development - some writers take chapters to develop their characters' traits. Some thoughts: I agree with Old Bob about passive voice and making 1st chapter shorter; suggest you give reader more detail how father died and son got the gun - ex: did either kill any attackers?; "... on the line for" - normally shouldn't end sentence with prep.;suggest "A part of her would always be attached to home...."; suggest new para "She'd scrimped...."; suggest "A bus took her to Florence..." - removes 2nd "She'd" in two sentences; perhaps new para "What moved her the most; "Suddenly..." remove "without warning" - redundant?; "Ruth Ann could be hard..." - suggest add back to previous para. I think this has the makings of a real romantic thriller - keep at it.

Gideon ("Thrill Writer's Remorse")

Dear Rhonda,

I finished 12 chapters of DEMON LOVER yesterday. Wow, you have obviously shown that you have researched this topic very well, (mashallah ;) ) I did see a few things in the Arabic translations and use of Arabic words that I wasn't quite sure about. For example, you said inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un (you spelled it differently but that doesn't matter) means we will all return to God or I'm not sure exactly what you said (my computer shut down and my notes were erased) but the literal translation is "From God we come and to Him we return." So it was little nit picky stuff like that which you may or may not even care about.

If you want, you could send me the mss as a word doc and then I could reread and make notes there. You can click on my website from my profile and message me from there.

I have DL on my list for backing, but the books that are currently on my shelf aren't doing so well right now so I hesitate to withdraw my support from them less they take a hit. Will back DL as soon as possible though.

This is without a shadow of a doubt the best thing I have read on here in, well a year. if id seen this in a book store, it would be in my bag, and half dog eared before I even got home, from thumbing through the pages.

Its fast, action packed, modern, topical and well, WOW.

I couldnt put this down once I started readinb, before i knew it i was 6 or 7 chapters in. I need to stop now to do some work, but I will be back to read the rest. I think that is the best thing about a great book, you keep reading, line after line, wanting more, afraid to stop in case you miss something. This is one of those books.

Once ive read on i will do a more detailed review for you. For now all i can say is WOW
C

Great story. There is a tendency to use adverbs through out, I'd try to eliminate some of them.

Alison Butler

Okay, Rhonda. Don't get mad, just get even when you do me. First chapter.

You're a great writer, probably the best on Authonomy. Your characters are developed to the extent necessary, especially in the first part. Almost everybody died, but we know everything necessary about each one of them. An important building block. Your description is not just stuck in random paragraphs. It's connected where it has to be and does not ramble.

One thing I would like to suggest: you have long parts of just descriptive narrative. In these situations I think it is important to us as much active voice as possible to help keep the story moving. People who don't read a lot get bored easily. One way to do this is to avoid the over use of the word "had". It doesn't do anything but slow the reader down. Where it can't be eliminated outright, it's usually possible to rewrite the sentence and write it out.

Another thing is the use of passive verbs. We all know what they are and try to avoid them. The ones we leave in are usually deemed to be unavoidable. There are still several that you can go through and pick out. An example: "...eyes were a striking shade of changeable blue..." could be "...eyes shown a striking shade..." The active verb moves the sentence along.

There's a lot going on in the first chapter; maybe too much. I get the first part; the massacre, and I get the part introducing Angel. It introduces the erotic thread, right? All the back story about Ruthie, et. al. is too much information. Maybe chapter 1 should be two chapters, I don't know. Your first chapter needs to be short and crisp and move along.

You are smooth easing from thread to another. Most of the time people don't know how to do that so they just stick in transitions. You don't even notice the seams in your writing.

The biggest issue I see is the overload of information in the first chapter. Just think about it. It's really not that big a deal. I'm just trying to make your story camera ready. As a matter of fact, if I could write like you, I'd think I died and went to heaven. These are just little things you don't see in your own writing that an editor probably would.

Well, I rambled. That's all for today. Take your best shot at me, I can take it.

Old Bob

Seems a long time since I've visited you. Ch. 2. Those italicised parts are bewildering. They're not just thoughts, because you portray those in ordinary print. They distract me.
The plot thickens, but introduction of several new names without preamble is confusing - always a difficult task in the beginning of a book. But perhaps I malign you. If you've mentioned them in Ch.1 and I've forgotten, forgive me.
You continue to paint the scenes and fill out the characters with detail and foreboding, and things become more urgent. More stars, and I'm still glad I've backed you.
Jane.

There is little value I can add to this book. Your writing is flawless and the story is perfect. I wouldn't say it was easy to read...for the scenes and the setting are hard times and painful..but you write it with a real voice and it is clear you understand the world into which you are bringing us. Well done.
Barbara

Very very well written, one that if only I had the time, I would have kept on reading.
Very well done. Marj.

Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers, these typos corrected in the master manuscript - but not on the site yet. I'm scare I mess something up!
dregs, not dredges. (twice, I think)
NOTE: the reason "dredges" has jumped out at everyone; this is actually word, having to do with dredging ditches, but "dregs" (as in the bottom of the barrel of wine) is the more familiar usage. I went with dregs : )

When he returned to the shop - I had to read that 3 or 4 times to be sure whether it was Karim or his father. Putting Karim's name in would solve it.
NOTE: Pronoun issue fixed!
angry 191 ticket holders. 191 angry ticket holders. (Does Karim know how many? Are you using his POV?)
NOTE: I've taken this out, the second 191 (which is the flight number, is redundant

By the time Karim exited THE men's room...
smoke streaked face (not faced) - FIXED : )
Abed must have taken (not took) FIXED :)

ALL FIXED:

'Salheyin was Christian village' - is that sentence missing an A ?

'but man in the coloniel uniform' - is that sentence missing THE

'a striking shade of changeable blue - doesn't need shade

Good eyes everyone! Thank you so much!

Great job Ronda! Your book is climbing quickly and in the top five for weekly top rated.

Dear Rhonda
Congratulations you have a great novel here I spent the last few days reading it. And well done! It all made perfect sense. I will continue to back this book and give it six stars and place it on my watchlist.
The chapters were lenghty, just how I prefer them, as some writers make them short. Anyway I wish you luck with publishing this novel, as it has an awful lot going for it!
All the best
Robert Slimm
SlickSwitch

Hi Rhonda,

I've read all ten chapters, and enjoyed them. Plotwise, this moves well and holds the reader's attention. Setting and language are well handled. There's just enough Arabic to give it a real flavour, and make me appreciate that Angel is lost in it, but the translations are nicely done, and I didn't feel alienated. Your characters are well developed, and you deal nicely with the ones who come and go, like Ian and Rashid. We know enough about them for them to make a contribution, but not enough to care! Abed, I like. A good man. Karim is a more complicated man, but I could care about him too. What does Habibi mean? Baby? It would make sense, but I'm guessing.

There was one section where you lost my interest. Angel's reverie about RuthAnn in the airport is too long, and too much about a character we don't need to know. I have to confess that I skipped a lot of it, and don't feel I missed anything! You could give us what we need about Angel much more succinctly. You've hooked me into a novel about violence and revenge - not growing up in back-of nowhere America with a loudmouthed cousin who's nowhere near as nice as the heroine. I just wanted to get back to the story. Grandpa's Bible and the fact that Angel had sports briefs in her bag told me much more meaningfully about who she is.

I found a few nitpicks, but I didn't write down where they were - you'll probably know, because it's your book!

dregs, not dredges. (twice, I think)
When he returned to the shop - I had to read that 3 or 4 times to be sure whether it was Karim or his father. Putting Karim's name in would solve it.
angry 191 ticket holders. 191 angry ticket holders. (Does Karim know how many? Are you using his POV?)
Angel wants stationEry.
By the time Karim exited THE men's room...
smoke streaked face (not faced)
Abed must have taken (not took)

But, in nearly 74,000 words, that's all I found. It's well written, pacy, and if I'd bought it, I'd have read the lot and enjoyed it. Good luck with it.

Rachel

Rhonda. Wow. That prologue is probably, no, IS the most moving and gripping I've ever read, and I don't think out of the 6,000 supposed books on this site there is one more gripping. It's heart tearing stuff, and you know this.

You wite very very well, and because of that fact, I unfortunately felt just about every emotion in that poor village along with Karim. (although in reality how could anyone truly feel it unles they really are there)

I was almost releived to read ch1, to see the story begin to develop with 'Angel' but also to get out of that village, and the stink of death & carnage that had just been caused there.

I'm no big crit Rhonda, you know this, so I'm here a a reader.

'Salheyin was Christian village' - is that sentence missing an A ?

'but man in the coloniel uniform' - is that sentence missing THE ?

You mentioned the 'young dark eyes' thing in your email....It does seem a liitle out of place amonst all you powerful and descriptive writing (forgive me) I wonder if 'Karim's beautiful dark eyes, so young, stared intently / searchingly at his father' or something like this.

In my w/l - full stars, and WILL back this powerful story as soon as I've honoured my current shelf commitments.

Sir Daniel.

The DEAD Bloc.