City of Broken Dreams

Lots of things going on ... trying to figure out where they will intersect. Looking forward to more.
JC

I like what you have going on here. I want more.
I find the transition between characters works well as you move into the next chapter. There are times when it could be a benefit to provide some indication as to who is speaking at times. It saves the brain from strain trying to work it out. This has great potential and will be worth coming back for more.

Love the twist with Garson!

Thanks.

Hello Pete, Now that I've read 5 chapters of each book, I'll venture to judge "City of Broken Dreams" as the most publishable. All are well written, as I mentioned before, but "City of Broken Dreams" seems to spring to life most quickly with ample dialogue and sharply defined characters. As to your POV question, you might consider titling each chapter by the name of its protagonist: "Grawl," "Scappa," "Nicombo," "Alaran," "Redgar." Some device could be used to link them, say a line beneath each chapter title as in an 18th-century novel. Incidentally, the dialogue between Jenson and Redgar may need a word or two to identify the speakers. Best of luck,

Bill Carrigan
THE DOCTOR OF SUMMITVILLE

City of Broken Dreams

I have read all that is posted here. It is well written. I found that I read along with ease, taking in the nice turns of phrase and descriptions. You certainly handle action well. I was not confused by any of that. The different points of view were not a problem and you generate more than sufficient interest to keep the reader going. The only problem I encountered concerned Garson (see below).
C1 couple of typos
C2 Too much description of the problems with the horse? Maybe it’s a lamppost, oh look it is, sort of thing.
C3 I actually wrote: “Garson too well introduced to kill straightway. Too many details – his father etc. I think, with the increasing list of characters the reader has to remember it is certainly an error to build Garson up much. OK we learnt a bit about the job he was doing but it just hangs there.” Suddenly I see why. I suspect this leaves you with a problem. I was disoriented by the C2 situation, starting to think What? Now, as a reader, having sort of ‘switched off’ Garson in my head I have to go back to re-connect. Does that make sense?
C4 It’s not a secret they know is it – just news she has not heard. If Jensen knew he thought is – this I think.

Read Chapters 1-4, Was only confused by the crowd fleeing in chapter 1, the rest that I have read works well. Very engrossing!

Very interesting so far, Pete.
I've read the first two chapters, paying special attention to the viewpoint changes, per your request.
I don't think they're jarring so far. Since they are separated well, either by a chapter end or a break in the chapter, they seem ok.
I will say that grammatically, I didn't see any errors. You are a talented writer, and you do a great job in building suspense. You give us just enough of each character to be curious and wonder what is going to happen. Scappa is a sympathetic character, and we wonder if her rescuer actually survives his wounds. Right now it doesn't look good!
I think this is interesting, and you do a great job of making us feel invested in your characters early on. We kind of have to read on now, don't we, if we want to see what happens next?
Good job, Pete. I'll be reading more soon.

Hi Pete, I'm half way through ch 2 and have to stop. Darn it! I have to go to my real job.
Anyway, I'm liking it, so far. I don't see any problem w/ changing POV the way you do it. I do the same in Echo. I think it creates a question in the reader's mind. That curiosity is what drives the reader to read more.
I don't ususally read beyond Ch1 due to time restraints. So you know, if I've gone past there, I'm interested. I'm ADD, so it's hard to stay focused on books esp on-line. For some reason, the virtual books have to be more compelling (maybe because I didn't pay to read them?) Your work is compelling!
When I have time, I'll return and see what more there is to comment about. til then, enjoy your nap!
Raechel
Echo

Dear Peter,
I read the first three chapters, but the gore is a bit too much for me. I'm sure other reader's of this genre will have more of an iron stomach though.
I cannot fault your writing. I'm am envious of how easily you create vivid pictures, and how you have mastered the art of showing and not telling. Something I still struggle with.
You were looking for comments on the shifts in perspective, and I think it works well when the stories are linked. I found the first chapter a bit 'out' there and wasn't really sure of its significance. It doesn't seem to come into play for a while, and this runs the risk of letting the reader forget about it, and most don't want to have to go back and reread to find out what''s going on.
The idea of bringing someone back to life to act as a puppet to do their bidding, is intriguing, so much more than a zombie thriller.
One other comment would be about the time and place. I didn't feel after three chapters that I had a good grasp on the world you have created and its history, only snippets. I suppose if I was brave enough to read further I may find out.
Other than that, all I can say is 'bravo' apart from the gore, I really liked it and it certainly kept me entertained, I truly think with your writing skill, you shouldn't have any problems being published one day.
Good luck with it, Cheers Jacoba

Hm - in response to your forum posting, not sure - I think the first 3 characters are fine, but wondered if perhaps they need establishing a little more before the others are introduced. To me, it's a bit too much all at once. Good luck!
Vall
Midwyf (please have a look if you have time!)