The Promenade

Chapter 2 and 3: Love the fast pace and well-defined characters!

Chapter One: What an interesting start. I was surprised to learn the reason behind her uncomfortable circumstances, thinking at first that she was just ill. I was disappointed when she stole from the man, which reveals that I already like your MC. I like the pace of this first chapter...on to the next! Ruby

My kind of book. Nice bite-sized chunks of fast paced writing. I have not been to Atlantic City, or anywhere in the States, but I know of the place. I was expecting an American take on Brighton Rock and it has much of that. Greene’s taut, descriptive and menacing style in a drug-soaked 90’s package. That kind of thing.
The use of back story, the flash-backs – work extremely well and helps to gradually fill in the pieces of the puzzle. Yeah – why would you leave the perfect lifestyle? It’s just sometimes not enough. We all know people like that. Maybe.
I dipped in and out of this initially, but it’s on my shelf and I will be happy to learn about just what it was I missed out on in Atlantic City…

Katy,
Welcome to the underbelly of Atlantic City where mites, leeches and bugs in human form abound. The graphic realism of "The Promenade" captivated me, and not since "Last Exit to Brooiklyn" was I so enbthralled. Viola makes an amazing MC, her first person POV both restricting and accommodating in that once in I was confined to the narrow alleys and cramped rooms of her claustrophobic haunts, but at the same time liberated from all societal restrictions. All yoiur characters are strangely sympathetic despite their foibles and I found myself cheering them on. Your prose is rough and ready, your dialogue shot from the hip. Thank you so much for sharing.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

You have a really interesting novel here. I love things that are 'outside the box' Each character is flawed and unique. Viola is my favourite at the moment. She has major issues from not having a real sense of identity. Avery is not your average nine to fiver being a tattoo artist. Who couldn't be fascinated by someone who creates works of art on human skin! The almost psychic link that she has with Brayden is also an unusual angle on the run of the mill boyfriend/girlfriend scenario. Throw the seedy world of drugs into the pot and wow! I am only up to chapter 3 so I will carry on reading. No hesitation in six stars.

Kim (Pain)

Hi Katy,

I'm a few chapters in.
I like the beginning, the description and imagery is beautiful. The characters are all interesting and well developed. It appears to me that you know every aspect of their lives, which makes reading about these characters and their relationships very interesting.
The narration flows well, the tone and phrasing is great. The snippets of humour are very welcome too.

You've got a great piece of work here, it read flawlessly to me. I'm afraid I can't pick anything out to suggest to improve.

Highly starred.

Cheers,
Adam

Hello, I'm up to chapter four and really enjoying it.

I was a little cautious during chapter three because I felt like it was starting to sound like young adult style prose, "she's friends with he, and he's dating her," etc; but it developed into a really sensitive and interesting study of the strange relationship between customer and dealer, are they friends or are they pushers?

Chapter four is taking you back and we are beginning to see why we should love your narrator.

I'm quite excited by your narrative and though I've no idea where it is going, I'm looking forward to coming back for more.

Regards

Kit

Hello,

I am attracted to this story straight away.

I was a little cynical at first because I often find writing that deals with this subject matter quite sordid and sleazy, I think some people just see drug abuse as cool, original and admirable.

What I have read so far seems to be a very intelligent way of story telling and has the ring of truth that I go for in Literary fiction.

Liked the pitch, the cover and the pace of the writing, I'll be back for more and hopefully to give a better comment!

Regards

Kit

This story starts off right away.
The point of view is captured right away, making the reader feel all of what is going on. The descriptions are well done to portray things from the character.
Though this isn't the type of story I would read personally, I think that you have written this really well. It has a lot of style to it.
Very well done.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds, when you have time. :)

I've had this book on my watchlist for a long time. Sorry it took me so long to read it. Great writing and wonderful characterization. Long before we even know her name we know a great deal about Viola's personality and lifestyle. You brought us straight into her life and kept us wanting to know more about her. Great job. I've read the first four chapters. Will be back to read more.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

What a fucking book!
Liquid goes down like a liquid with a breeze of that New Jersey shore air. I felt that new jersey sky forever.
Man, what a good trip.
Tonight, at the dinner table first thing I say was "I jsut read a kick ass book" (said it was written by a dude)
By the way, at the beginning of it. I wanted to take notes of critiques for each chapter. But after chapter four I'm like fuck this. This is perfect flow, great hooks from one chapter to the next.
I'm backing this. and probably won't take it off... for a long long long time.

Now, getting back to what I was saying about the first 4.. these are the notes I took... BUT I forced myself to be a critic. Then I got out of the 'teacher' mode. Began to be myself. But just so these notes don't get lost here they are:

CHAPTER I
Excellent.
A little to verbose in the first 6/7 paragraphs.
As, in It slows down a strong beginning.
Great descritpion, by the way.
But I think. Just like that at the beginning.
We know she hangover and she picked up a boy..
But then I want to jump on some 'meat'
P.S Loved the fact this is happening in Jersey.

IN a nutshell I'd speed up the pace.
Of the first chapter.

CHAPTER II
Perfect pace. very fluid.
Makes me care for the girl.
I'm already wishing she'd find a boyfriend, where she can "laugh simultaneously with"

CHAPTER IV
"It was like we were having a conversation, but only he could hear it"
These are nonchalantely comments you stick in everywhere, and even though it's descriptive it flows like a nondescriptive book

Hi, there – this is a review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I think there is an amazing book here trying to get out. I wasn’t so convinced by chapter 1 or chapter 2, but Chapter 4…wow. Just wow, from the stark image of Radio Road to the blanket to the bus ride.

Now what could you do with Chapters 1 and 2 to elevate them to the ridiculous standard of Chapter 4? One thing I notice is that the language as Viola wakes up in the guy’s place is somewhat detached. That may have been your intent, to show that this is not a terribly unusual morning for her, but I think we, the readers, want to be shocked by her behavior and her detachment.

“And there it was.” Kind of a weak sentence. What you need here is one that jars the reader, something like the clocks striking thirteen. You want us thinking, “WTF?” Not me, of course; I would never think that. But, you know, what the heck?

I know I bang on about verbs of being but these first dozen sentences have too many of them. And sometimes when you’re clearly trying to find a better verb, it falls flat because of the sentence structure. Think about which noun should be the subject in these sentences. We need strong language about Viola’s disorientation, her need to escape, the after-effects of indulging. And PS—a migraine is never diffuse and seldom gone by afternoon.

For example: “An unpleasant warmness descended onto my upper lip…” Your subject here is warmness…are we talking about warmness? No. We are talking about a nostril so abused it doesn’t work properly. “The previous night flew past my mind’s eye…” Your subject here is ‘the previous night,’ but I think what you’re really focused on are the images you’re seeing from last night. Images flashing across your mind as fast as any strobe light, flashing first multi-colored light bulbs, then a stained beer tent. Flash, and the next image is boardwalk seagulls drunk from the puddles. Flash, and the next image is the sea spray. As soon as Viola focuses on one image and decides what it is, there’s a flash and a new image sears her mind’s eye. I hope this makes sense. I think using the actual subjects followed by scary verbs will create a scene that shows us how detached she is while also showing us she’s clearly fallen farther than she wants to go.

Chapter 3 also shows what a good job you can do. Viola begins intimidated and disinterested, and by the end of a brief conversation we understand that she does have the capacity to care for someone.

And Chapter 4 is pure poetry.

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

have you thought about opening with the para that begins "it wasnt just an evil notion" etc.? and lose either the with or the without in it? you can then feed in the blood bit later...

i think the standard of writing is high though - i just think you could have a sparkier sharper kickoff than the hangover. i felt those preceding paras were familiar but when i read "it wasnt just an evil notion ..." i woke up and went aha!

this will get better and better the more you edit and polish and as you seem to have a winning premise i hope this becomes all you dream it might become!

I really like this! It's gritty and smart, laced with a nice touch of dark humor. I've got it on my watchlist for reading on and shelving. Highly starred!

- The Promenade -

(chapters 11-16)

Okay, came back to this after a bit of a break, which put me at something of a disadvantage. Nevertheless, I still enjoyed the prose and the characters as much as ever. As before, I was a wee bit lost with the whole organization of the drug running, how the mayor figures etc. I was also confused about where the twins fit in with the New York boss and what exactly they were doing when they took Vi, but this, latter, part may have been more due to my break in reading than anything else.

My favourite part in this section, by the way, was the story of what happens to Brayden’s brother. That was excellent.

As ever, take all comments and observations with a pinch of salt since they come from someone who knows next to nothing about this writing malarkyhoo.


11

-I’d suggest putting “Silence“ on the next line in:
“You think I’m stupid?” Silence.

-The sidebar soccer story/image took me out of the moment and messed with the pace a little for me.

-The sentence ‘He knew that his shoulders should ache with the effort’ seemed a bit odd to me. It didn’t make sense to me, considering the stress and tension of the situation, that he’d be thinking about a pain that wasn’t there.

-As Jeremy watches Camden pull away and you have ‘But it must have been curious….’ I think you could get a stronger image if you were to show Jeremy’s reaction to the car taking off at speed. Maybe he is almost hit, or gets covered in the dust kicked up etc…


12

-The main thing I noticed at the beginning here was I felt the tension was taken out of Vi’s ordeal because I already knew Camden would find her from the end of the previous chapter.

-‘with a cuffs’. Wouldn’t you either have to take out the ‘a’ or have ‘a pair of cuffs’?

-‘captivated’ seemed an odd word for the way Vi felt about the bandana going on her. Maybe it was ‘hypnotic’ or something like that? Or maybe you could use a simile of some kind. When I put myself in her place, I imagined the feeling would be something akin to that odd sense or tiredness and relaxation you get when you’re in the chair at the hairdresser’s and they start touching your head. Or is that just me and I’ve outed myself as some weirdo quasi fetishist….?

-‘Every nerve in my body jumped simultaneously.’ The ‘simultaneously’ is superfluous here as we already know it all occurred in one moment.

-I’d suggest using the twins’ names to delineate them as having something like ‘the other twin’ doesn’t really delineate them. I kept thinking, ‘Well, they’re both ‘the other twin’ as far as the other twin is concerned.’ I don’t think it’s all that important in the situation to have a clear view of each of them but if you use their names, it will carry that effect of one doing something, then the other more fully.


13

-I’d remove the ‘unfortunately’ from ‘Unfortunately, the next punch’ as it takes some of the heat out of the moment.

-I’d remove ‘eyes of’ from ‘stared at her with genuine eyes of longing’. The verb ‘stare’ already convey the image of the eyes.


14

-‘I grabbed my car keys and forced myself out of the house and into the car’. I’d suggest cutting ‘and into the car’ as we already know this is where she is headed from her taking the car keys.

-‘meantime’ is one word.

-I’d remove ‘almost’ from ‘reach the threshold of almost pain’. The word ‘threshold’ already conveys that meaning of almostness….

-I felt like the violence scene went on far too long. Since it was such a sudden change in behaviour and shocking for both Vi and the reader, I had the feeling it should be something which leaves us with a sense of bewilderment, coming out of nowhere and being quite abrupt and staggering. As it was, I stopped being shocked the longer it went on and became quite numbed to it, in the same kind of desensitized way you can watch horrors on the news and not be bothered by them.


15

-‘The blue collar boys in a downtown Jersey factory don’t wear ties’. Having ‘blue collar boys’ at the start of the sentence already gives us an image of people in overalls or what have you so saying they don’t wear ties appeared a bit of an odd observation to me there. I think you could rephrase this, and also drop the contraction, and maybe even itallicise the 'not', to better emphasise that point of contrast as to how Brayden is dressed. Something like:

‘The factory workers in downtown Jersey do not wear ties.’



16

-Typo with ‘He softly lifted me knees’.


Hope something in here is of some help.

Cheers,

Ross

- The Promenade -

(chapters 6-10)

I enjoyed this more than I did the first five chapters. The story’s promise to sprawl in the opening is certainly fulfilled in the second five chapters with the four main characters getting involved in bigger operations and an ever more complex and dangerous network. Some of the pacing is really quite excellent, some genuinely edge of seat stuff in chapter eight and again at the end of chapter ten. Fantastic cliffhanger there. The characterisation continues to be very good. Not only are the new characters brought in very well but Brayden seems to come more to life here, as opposed to what I wrote previously.

Some remarks and nitpicks, as ever. Also as ever, I know bugger all about this writing lark so make no claims to being right in anything I say.

There are some nuts and bolts bits that were a little bit confusing for me and I think this came largely from the jump in time from chapters six to seven. We find Viola and Camden in a much more high-profile racket than where we last found them and how they got there and what exactly was taking place was quite sketchy for me. I wasn’t really clear on the property scam or where the mayor came in and how that worked generally. The other thing was I was a bit unsure of how old Viola is. I didn’t think about it in the opening five chapters but the way the other characters talk about her, she suddenly seems to be a fair bit younger than she was in the beginning.
A suggestion I’d make for the time shift is that you could have ‘parts’ to the novel. I always have the feeling that when a reader meets a ‘Part two’, perhaps followed by a date or dates, they are much more willing to make that mental leap from the time setting of the previous place in the narrative to the new one without asking too many questions about what happened in the intervening time. Still, I did think some more explanation on what the scam was would help. I’ll have a wee suggestion on that when I get to my chapter by chapter waffling so I’ll leave it for now.

Okay, by chapter….


Chapter six

-Some background on Avery, which is perhaps necessary, to establish how she came to leave a privileged background to end up where she is. I liked the characters of her parents (as characters, not people)but the back and forth between them felt like it might be a bit too set up, perhaps not subtle enough.

-I wondered actually why Avery needed a chapter on her own for this, thinking at the time this thing with her parents could come out in dialogue or within another chapter, but the later one on Camden’s background suggests this is a pattern so I was on board with it from then on.

-Avery’s age in the scene seems a little mixed up as we have a description of her ‘adolescent’ heart but we also have her with a lunch pail etc.


Chapter seven

-I enjoyed that the story was getting bigger and more ambitious from here and the descriptions of the setting at the party were excellent. As I say, I felt confused as to what exactly was going on though and the time shift seemed all the more palpable for that.

-My suggestion, which can of course be freely ignored, is that you could start in the thick of the action at the party, without the little preamble conversation between Vi and Cam, and then fill in the backstory as recollection during the episode where Vi almost faints and loses her cool. That scene lacked a bit of pace for me and I felt a little as if it was an overreaction. If you were to give the backstory at that point, it would also have the benefit of showing how out of her depth and anxious Vi feels – just when it’s needed – so this would support her dizzy spell as well as giving you the opportunity to work in exposition. Or I could just be spouting complete nonsense….

-Just at the dizzy spell until the ladies start discussion Camden, I had the feeling of there being lots of ‘I’s for the very first time, sentences starting with them and the like. Just an observation….

-Again, my main concern here was that I didn’t understand what the deal was that was going down.

-Where you have ‘….our lives changed irrevocably and for the absolute worst’, that felt like it should be the end of a chapter for me. But then, it’s not my book….

-I liked the cell phone chat. It made me think of Zack Morris in Saved by the Bell being cool because he walked about with that huge, clunky number.

-There’s a typo with ‘devout to nostalgia’ instead of ‘devote’.


Chapter eight

-This was fantastic. Genuinely loved it and was completely gripped throughout. Excellent action, tension and characterisation of the Big Bad.

-The only part that drew me back into confusion again was the reference to how half the earnings went to the mayor as I still didn’t understand that. Maybe I’m just a dumbass though. This is a real possibility.


Chapter nine

-At first, I wasn’t into this flashback to the other characters thing as I didn’t enjoy Avery’s one as much as I’d enjoyed other parts but I really liked the one on Camden. There was some heart-wrenching, complex and uncomfortable stuff in there. Very good indeed.

- The only remark I’d make is that the part where his mum walks out to the car really felt like the money scene for me and where the chapter should have ended. It’s loaded with undercurrents of emotion and is really very powerful, so to continue it on afterwards felt a bit of an anti-climax for me. Again, just my novice opinion.


Chapter ten

-Excellent tension and a real cliffhanger. I found myself wanting to skip ahead to find out what would happen. Bravo.

I can’t remember now what chapter it was in, but the scene with Avery and Viola being pulled into the alleyway was fantastic. I really liked how Viola saw her passiveness in her not fighting back. It plays into that need for a rescuer that recurs throughout as well.

Overall, I’m really getting into the story at this stage and am impressed by how it builds and develops, from the focus on the four characters at the off to the wider network and times they find themselves in.

Cheers,

Ross

(The Promenade - chapters 1-5, the rest to come later)

Okay, first up: this is very good. It's going on my shelf on the next rotation and shall remain there for some time.

I think there have been some improvements since the last time I read. It's difficult to tell with such a gap in reading but I'm sure the relationship, particularly the background, between Viola and Avery reads a lot better and more realistically. I never really noted the poetic language that you are capable of whipping out at will when appropriate. There were a few lines there that I thought would be at home in a Springsteen song, and that's always a very good thing.

I don't think I made specific remarks on the characters so I'll give a few impressions before moving on.

Viola: Ah, how I love her. All damaged and in need of rescuing.... I do really like her as a character. Sometimes I feel she lays it on a bit thick and comes across a bit 'woe is me', maybe in particular when she uses the word 'perferct' of other people a lot, but I find her really sympathetic and want things to work out for her.

Camden: I like him too. It's interesting to have a nice guy drug dealer and I think you've shaped him well enough so the reader feels on his side.

Avery: She's a really great character too. If I met her in real life, I'd probably think she was a bit of a daft bint. She seems very flaky, selfish and the wrong kind of person for Vi to be around in the long term but she's great for the tension and that needy side of Vi's character.

Brayden: I'm not sure he's as well shaped; he comes across a bit like background scenery at times. But, up to where I've read, I think that's OK as he's not as integral as the ther characters up to this point and his main function seems to be being Avery's boyfriend.

Some, random, by chapter crit notes....


Chapter one:

- Is the sentence 'It was the morning after' necessary? Seems pretty clear from the context.

- I wondered whether there where too many physical steps covered by Vi at the start, meaning the apartment - elevator - promenade - apartment movement. You could skip, for example, the elevator stage if you like.

- The ranking by Avery of her friends started to feel a abit repetitive for me after a bit. Personally, I'd have liked the deescription of the relationships to come a little more freely and naturally.

- 'thumbed it for awhile'. 'awhile' is an adverb so it should either be 'Thumbed it for a while' or 'Thumbed it awhile'.


Chapter two

- 'My fellow students saw me everyday.' Should be 'every day' as 'everyday' is an adjective.

- typo: 'and made my way to door'.

- I wasn't really sure what the purpose/necessity of the school bus scene was. Was it to show Vi's passive/unconfident side? If so, I think you could skip it to be honest as this side of her is pretty clear anyway.

- The first paragraph of the chapter is excellent, by the way.


Chapter three

- 'little shite circles'. I was a bit confused by that and couldn't conjure up an image from it. Should it mean that the circles looked like shite, i.e. brown, or did it mean 'shite' in terms of 'bad'?

- 'cat urine'. I had the feeling your character would be more likely to say 'cat piss', what with her free swearing throughout.


Chapter four

- 'Camden called to check-in'. Should be 'check in'. 'check-in' is the noun, as in at the airport.

- I liked the rudey bit very much, what with vi making me all hot under the collar and all, but the 'protrusion of pelvic bones' line seemed a bit medical and clinical for me. Could easily just be me though.

- Vi seems to say 'perfect' frequently in a short space of time in this chapter.



Chapter five

- REALLY liked the opening to this as you get the sense the story is going to get bigger and the four main characters are going to get wrapped up in something that is very much out of their hands. The descriptions are also great. The only thing I wondered is whether you could separate the opening into one small chapter on its own to make it pack a bit more punch.



As ever, these impressions come from a complete novice so should be taken with a pich of salt and rejected out of hand if not agreed with. In general though, I really enjoyed the writing, the characters, the dialogue and the story. All the ingredients are there for an excellent book.



Cheers,



Ross

L40 Review The Promenade (Overall look)

Well look what Katy did. She sets a story up about some low lifers and guess what: they look like just us!
That of course is being done more and more now, what with the Sopranos, itself influenced by The Godfather, and for me, The Wire, the best of

them all, the one that rolled over the rock of modern capitalism to expose the myriad bugs underneath and revealed them to be a complete

reflection of the web spinning monsters in charge.

Now this is very well written and the story grabs you, and the arc of the story is good too, the parabolic curve of inverted morality. Viola is

believable and gutsy and guileless all at the same time. Avery on the other hand isn't it seems to me fully formed, Camden the same, though

cmden's back story keeps Camden interesting whilst Viola's awol, but Brayden's back story comes along at time when I've lost all interest in that

character.

The final section with the beating and the ghost idea and the anomolies is superb, and knowing that Viola is going to survive, one of the advantages of a 1st person POV, is grabbing the interest with both blood spattered hands.

The trouble is The Wire keeps coming back and though this story certainly is saveable from 'the been done in the Wire' thing if the story takes the right narrative track from this point on but it is going to be very hard indeed to shake free of the Wire here. You even mention Baltimore in a nod or slip I do not know.

Your writing is very good and you do plot well, but that Wire may not let you go.

Jim

LF40 Review

My ongoing thoughts on The Promenade:

I've read through to the end now Katy and was absolutely riveted by the story, and horrified by what happens between Camden and Viola at the end. But also it seems to make a certain kind of sense, as if Viola was never really there at all, hence all the shadowiness of her own and her friends' characters and lives... She even seems to feel this herself, thinking she was never supposed to have been born. I can picture it as the terrible beating scene whisking Viola back to the beginning of her life, when she was that 'coffee stain' on the neat clean ribbon of road, and I picture the coffee stain disappearing. However, since this is probably not the end of the story - I note that your submission is incomplete - I realise that is all in my head.

I have to agree with Fontaine about the technical descriptions of sexual positioning, and the very scientific language of the physical. I think there is a place for some of this - especially in counteraction of Viola's insubstantial sense of self - but for my taste would need to be much sparer.

I aggree with you in that the love affair between Camden and Viola is the pivot of the book. I think this could be developed even more. It came across very strongly at the posh event, when Camden came out and kissed her in front of all the onlookers. I would like more idea of Viola's feelings throughout the progression of their rise as drug dealers.

At some points I was confused as to where each of them actually lived. Do they sometimes stay at the beach house and sometimes at Viola and Avery's old apartment? Does Brayden keep his old apartment and where did Camden live before he (I think) moved in with Viola?

During parts of the manuscript there is a lot of detailed description of the drugs, but still a very shadowy sense of where Viola makes her sales. There was only one description of a potential sale and that was when she was attacked by Evan. To really get into Viola's way of life I would need a more strongly painted picture of this. Also, in the end section, she has loaded up an enormous shipment of drugs into her car and then apparently left it out on the street. It also seemed a bit odd to me that such huge quantities of Heroin were stacked up in the corner of Kent's living room.

I do have a very strong sense of Viola herself though, and also Camden. I did some training as a potential Foster-Carer and learned that for every year of abuse or neglect suffered by a child, it would take at least three years to make good the damage to that child's sense of self-worth. Viola bears this out very well. I said before I hoped the love affair between Camden and Viola would be their redemption...Maybe in a twisted way they would see the conclusion of it as a justifiable anti-redemption. Viola was never looking for the positive.

This book has such huge potential. I really enjoyed the read.
.
Tracey :-)

Thanks :) And yes, what is posted is about 2/3 of the complete novel.

LF40 Review cont.

Katy - I just finished everything that you have posted here. Right now, all I can say is wow. After chapter seven I stopped taking notes because I couldn't. I just had to keep reading and turning pages. There are no words. And the last chapter is just horrific. Not at all how I expected it to end. I wish I had more to say, but I don't right now. I enjoyed every page of this read and my notes from the previous seven chapters seem nitpicky in comparison. You're a talented writer, Katy. You've written an excellent book. And I certainly hope this is not the first and last thing that you ever write! My only reaction right now is that if all you've written is 55K words you need to find a way to boost this up to 70K if you want to go out on submission with this novel. Debut novels generally need to be at least 70K. Is there more that you haven't posted?

I'm really just blown away.

- Rena

LF40 Review
(Chapters 5+)
Confusing start to this chapter with Chao Xiang Shi and An at the airport... have no idea who they are but I'm guessing they're going to come into the story with regard to the mechanics of the drugs business.

Like I said before, I'm a sucker for romance and I loved Viola waking up with Camden's arms around her. Love seems like the possibility of redemption for both of them. I hope so. If it's the thing that's been lacking in Viola's life, and it seems also in Camden's - maybe it will save them in the end.

Viola's reaction to Camden's apparent feelings for her that she can't quite trust are I think the best insight yet into her vulnerability and how much she's been damaged.

Chap.6.
The account of Avery's early life finally explains why she would run away with Viola. The acid exchange between her bitter and poisened parents is excellently portrayed, I thought. I could hear their voices in my head as I read. Well done!

Chap. 7.
I enjoyed 'seeing' Viola and Camden all polished up for hobb-knobbing with the Mayor at the posh party.
It does remind me of scenes in a film, the way you cut in and out of settings and situations. I find that very satisfying.

I get a creeping feeling of dread at Camden's defiance over the mobile phones. It feels like the start of their downfall.

Chp.8.
Again, I'm confused by Chao Xiang and An. Have they just arrived in the country from where we left them last time we were introduced to them? I guess it will become clear.

I feel like the story is really taking off now. The twists and turns are beginning. Violet has been told to lie to Camden. I nearly squealed out loud when she let slip about the mobile phone. I think the story had gathered pace because its now on a timeline and the velocity is taking over.

Chap.10.
Now An and Chao Xiang are making sense: the story behind the story. Horrible fight between Brayden and Camden. What's happened to Vioa? The writing is smooth, flowing; if there are any nit-picks Im missing them because I'm too caught up in the story.

This is fantastic writing, Katy. At first I found some of the descriptions and explanations of the drugs slowed down the pace but now that we have all that out the way I'm flying along on the rollercoaster of your writing. Will definitely finish reading the complete upload!

Tracey
The Last Time We saw Marion

LF40 Review cont.

Katy - I just finished everything that you have posted here. Right now, all I can say is wow. After chapter seven I stopped taking notes because I couldn't. I just had to keep reading and turning pages. There are no words. And the last chapter is just horrific. Not at all how I expected it to end. I wish I had more to say, but I don't right now. I enjoyed every page of this read and my notes from the previous seven chapters seem nitpicky in comparison. You're a talented writer, Katy. You've written an excellent book. And I certainly hope this is not the first and last thing that you ever write! My only reaction right now is that if all you've written is 55K words you need to find a way to boost this up to 70K if you want to go out on submission with this novel. Debut novels generally need to be at least 70K. Is there more that you haven't posted?

I'm really just blown away.

- Rena

LF40 Review - First thoughts on chapter 1-7

Katy - these are the notes I took as I read chapters 1-7. I'm going to keep reading until the end of what you have posted here, but want to get this up for now (the baby may wake up any minute...) There are just my thoughts as I read. More soon...

Chapter 1

I was completely drawn in by this story the first time I read it - and I felt no differently the second time. It's well written. There are beautiful turns of phrase here and I couldn't stop reading. At no point was I bored. I like your characters. I like everything you've done here...


blood off her hands you dont say she cleans herself up

"i munched on brayden's fries" you didnt say he came in yet...just that he was about to...

maybe some awareness earlier that this is the longest conversation they have ever had...

Chapter 2

"she'd be so proud' im assuming you mean her mother? but you dont say so...

Wasn't there more about Vi's childhood in the previous version that I read? I felt like there wasn't enough here...I remember backstory about Vi and Avery - more inner-turmoil stuff and insight into who Vi was and how abandoned/alone/useless/unworthy she felt - with Avery being her saviour/shining beacon of light...

Chapter 3

Not sure why they seem bad off financially right now - in chapter one it seemed like they were doing well...confused.

This chapter was really powerful. I felt Vi's emotions strongly. Very well done.

Chapter 4

Ah! Here is the chapter about Vi and Avery's relationship. Wasn't this earlier before? I could be wrong. I don't want to make you crazy but I think it would make sense having this bit earlier - I think that the scene with her and Camden in the previous chapter would make more sense...

Also, if Avery really is her best friend - how does it makes sense that Vi saus "What makes that perfect little girl so unhappy? I'll never know." - it seems like she's the only person who would know. They never talked about it?

I think that the sex scene is real - it perhaps could use a bit of smoothing - I'm not exactly sure who put what where when...but I didn't think it was trite or overwritten...could have been a little more there actually.

Chapter 5

This totally confused me - who is Chao Xiang Shi??? Where did this come from? We were having lovely sex...

The rest of this chapter is great. I just found the first section totally confusing and out of place...


Chapter 6

I don't remember this being in the previous version but it very well could be that I didn't read this far - this is really excellent interesting stuff and totally explains why and what Avery ran away from...

And the ending is brilliant. Really well done.

Chapter 7

I've read through the end here. Very good ending. The section in the middle strikes me as out of place. I know that you'd been having issues with structuring. Perhaps putting dates or even years at the top of the sections would help the reader sort everything out in their head? I don't particularly object to everything skipping back and forth - perhaps it mirrors Vi's thoughts - scattered - affected by drug and alcohol abuse etc... but the reader needs some signposts here and there and maybe that's the way to do it?

LF40 Review
The Promenade
Katy,
I have read only the first three chapters. 
While I think you have the makings of a good story here, it is not drawing me in at this point and I believe that you could do a lot more with these first chapters to hook a reader like me.
However, you have really very good sections throughout and show that you have the skills and pieces to make it work, so I think that it is an endeavor worth looking into.
I always like to point out in my less-than-rosy reviews that I may well be the odd one, but, of course, I can only tell you how I feel, not what others do.
Generally, it is very hard for me to become engaged in a story that starts out with someone being a complete and absolute idiot and throwing their life down the tubes. I have to care for them first. It is like the difference between the bum on the street and your old roommate on the street. You just can't walk past the second one as brazenly. So, although I really liked your first few paragraphs, I quickly started wondering why I should care, why it should matter to me that she is unhappy. Especially when she is sleeping with strangers, stealing their money, and is obsessed with a drug dealer and dependent on a broke tattoo artist. Not a sympathetic character.
Don't get me wrong, Viola is a good, well developed character by the end of the 3 chapters, but your introduction of her leaves me cold.
On the other hand, chapter two was all the contrary. The story of how she was abandoned, sent off from one foster home to the next, and the little story of her taking the wrong bus was moving and effective. I think that you very wisely described the relatively minor incident of the wrong school bus carefully, making it a successful analogy for her youth, an analogy for never belonging. Although I felt that this second chapter too could use some polish, it did make me care a bit for her fate.
But the utter lack of sense of self preservation in chapter 3 managed to turn me off again. As you have her say, she did not think that she would live long enough to be kicked out, let alone get old. So why should I as a reader devote the energy to watch her disintegrate?
So, you have some work to do to hook a reader like me (again, caveats, so take it for what it is worth). You need to make me really care for this girl, which probably means first of all starting with chapter 2, and then adding things from her life before she became a junkie that make her endearing. If you do this, then I will despair when she wakes up next to a stranger and steals his cash, and feel truly sorry when she gets mugged by Evan. Instead, when that scene happened I was not sorry or even surprised, just saddened.
I stopped at chapter three because I wanted to post this review while we were still talking about The Promenade in the thread, but also, because, frankly, I feel that reading on now will be sad and not rewarding. I feel, again, that you can change that by making Vi more sympathetic.
Plot and hook
I've already spoken about my feelings about the hook. Although I feel that the first few paragraphs are gripping descriptions, and while they do carry me through a bit, there is no clear hook for me, with the exception of the line about the day she had in her youth that will make her memorable. I did not read far enough to find out what that was, but I think you would do well to try to hook in the first 3 chapters.
Part of my issue here is that I don't see a plot developing- except, again, a bit in chapter 2. She is a mess, she has friends that enable her to be that way, she is going to get herself more into trouble because the sensible path for her is self destruction. You hint at the idea of her finding herself, but you are not making this a main plot driver. 
Technique
In the little that I read I saw that you have real technical ability, but I found many patches rough. One large issue I had was your decision to sometimes summarize rather than detail. For instance, when you talk about her learning to deal, you skip three weeks, telling me that she progressed quickly. Instead, I would have rather get a couple of early scenes, particularly here first one.
Another issue I had is that I felt you overemphasized her self-pity, particularly in chapter 3. It was quite evident she felt bad for what had happened, and that she had been a chump, so if you spend more time describing her ambiance and less her feelings I think the read would flow better.
Another example is your introduction to Avery and Camden, where you give a lot of background as we meet the characters. This reads a bit like a bio and detracts from the story. 
Mechanics
There are very few typos, which I point out as I do the chapter-by-chapter. Generally the mechanics are good. I know nothing of Jersey drug-spreche, so I take your word for it. 

I hope these comments are not discouraging, because it is obvious even from these few chapters that you have a real voice and a real story that deserve to come out. I think that you need to do more to get a reader like me interested. However, it would very much be worth the effort.

My comments as I read:
1
Great start- well conveyed
Reminiscence of the party- ok, but not yet sure why I should care. 
Ah glorification of coffee...
Nausea in elevator well written
Tatoo parlor- you are giving quite a bit of background on these characters- can you ease it in bit by bit instead?
Camden description is interesting, but, again if you press it out in dialogue it becomes less chunky. 
Great idea with not knowing her bday
You can't notice the gash after that long description!
Camden's explanation is a bit long winded. 
"I was devastated." Better to let me see this. 

2  I like how this starts. The story of her birth makes a good read.
Recommend you consider starting here. 
This little chapter works well. 

3
Typo: "I cold and painful wave cascaded down my spine" should be "A"
The conversation in the shower works well 
Paragraph that starts "We knew how ill-advisable it was to start..." is essay-ish. Consider rephrasing. You don't need to tell your audience about the war on drugs (unless your target audience are Martians).
Paragraph that starts "In the following few weeks, we learned a lot" takes a shortcut which I think does you ill. I would rather you have three scenes, one showing me the first time she tries to deal, then later, when she is gaining confidence, and then when you get her where she is.
"And they’re always too busy looking for the obvious to catch the odd shapes that the drugs make in my purse." not clear, unless you meant to say the shapes are not there. 
I don't understand how it is economically feasible to have Camden watching her instead of just doing the deal himself. You would need to explain this convincingly. 
 "I will end this right now.” Then and there instead of "now"
I think you are overdoing her pity party.  You only need to tell me once or twice. 


Best of luck with it,
Maeve

LF40 Review

Some really great writing here. I don't mind some of the things noted in the other reviews. For me, 1st person gives you a little more leeway. I wouldn't expect everyone to know what asbestos smelled like or to know the mechanics of the diaphragm or to even speak in Chicago Manual of Style English, so why should I expect it of the narrator? I think the problem may be that the narration is sort of both in the moment and out of the moment, split between pov and omnipotent. There seems to be a lot of explaining things to the reader rather than letting the reader figure it out for themselves.

I would have liked more at the beginning, making that opening scene of waking with the migraine the entire first chapter. Really set the whole book and introduce all the characters in that haze of the morning after as she recalls the night before.

I also don't get a lot of the personality of the narrator in the beginning. There doesn't seem to be any edge to her. Seems she could be pushed a bit.

Definitely some good writing here. I'm also a big fan of House of Leaves, and I think if you incorporated a bit of his hard first person into yours, it would add a nice edge to your prose.

LF40 Review

It’s been a while since I last read this, so I thought I’d come at it afresh:

Chapter One

The chapter feels bittier than I remember: the morning after the night before – morning at the tattoo parlour – the afternoon arrival of Brayden – evening with Camden. For me, there is almost too much happening for an opening chapter: too many characters to remember, too much information. It feels like at least two chapters’-worth here. Because there is so much staff coming at me, I feel I didn’t get inside that character of Viola like I did on the first read. There is so much going on that it all feels a little superficial. Personally I would have liked to have spent some more time in Viola’s head and, perhaps, with her and Avery in the tattoo parlour, before meeting Brayden and Camden (but that’s just me).

“which turned out to be diffuse and impossible” – the pain is diffuse, the act is impossible but they are both mixed up in the same sentence.

I know it’s been said before, but the reference to the diaphragm doesn’t seem anatomically correct.

The punctuation seems a bit random.

Can you actually smell asbestos?

“your riding the low level clouds…” is a lovely phrase, but it should be “you’re riding…”

The chapter ends appropriately and in a downbeat way that fits with the subject matter, but I wondered whether, as the chapter stands, a bit of a hook at the end of the first chapter would have been a better idea? Alternatively, a chance to have got to know Viola better from the inside out may have led to greater resonance with the ending.

If I have been unduly picky, I have to say the positives are equally many. The text demonstrates some wonderful turns of phrase that sing out to me from the rest of the prose. The introduction to Viola works for me, because it shows the downside of living on a high – the hangover, the squalor, the casual sex, the equally casual dishonesty. Importantly, it shows it non-judgementally from Viola’s perspective.

The concept, characters and background all work and fit together naturally – the story and setting feel credible. Jersey feels real and I like the colourful asides, like the description of the coffee and the locals’ response to it. Where it emerges, I like the dry sense of humour and the natural style that largely accompanies it.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

LF40 Review:

There’s much to like and admire about this, Katy. It’s confidently and stylishly written, the various characters feel real and distinct, Viola comes across as an appealingly flawed, engagingly honest narrator, someone with whom the reader can instantly identify and empathise. The depiction of the seedy, rundown world that Viola inhabits is clearly and compellingly evoked – a perfect backdrop for a story of this type. I like some of the stylistic flourishes you adopt. The italicised internal monologues work particularly well, allowing the reader an immediate, often revelatory snapshot of Viola’s mindset. In terms of plot, while not exactly original, the story feels well thought out and multi-faceted with plenty of opportunity for character development and dramatic interplay and should appeal to a broad cross-section of readers

I do think the novel needs a bit of work in order to maximise its potential, though. As others have suggested, the prose does feel rather stiff and overly ornate, particularly for a novel with a fairly young, first-person narrator. Maybe think about trying to make the narration feel more conversational, almost chatty?? Look at each sentence and ask yourself if twenty-something Viola would use these words/phrases in conversation with one of her friends/peers. Even simple things like getting rid of all superfluous ‘that’s’ would, I think, help bolster the realism of the narration. To my mind, the reader has to feel as if the narrator is actually ‘telling’ them the story (as opposed to having simply written it down for a reader to read). As it stands, the novel does tend to betray the writer’s hand behind the words which, I’m afraid, rather undermines the reading experience.

I should make clear that I don’t think you need to rewrite the book or anything drastic like that. A tweak here, a bit of judicious pruning there would, I think, work wonders for the readability of the book. You have a wonderful way with words and some of the imagery you conjure is sublime, it’s just the beauty and strength of the phrasing often gets swamped by a slight tendency to overwrite. For example, the phrase ‘bumps of cocaine on public porcelain’ is vivid and original and strangely beautiful but, at the same time, the use of alliteration at the end of the sentence feels rather forced and, for me, betrays the writer’s hand behind the words which ends up spoiling the image. Maybe change to something like ‘bumps of cocaine on tarnished restroom sinks’ or something similarly direct?? Ditto the terrific last line in chapter 1 (‘The night ended typically. Brayden paid and everyone got drunk.’) The use of the word ‘typically’ jars. Keep it conversational, real. Maybe ‘The night ended as nights always did’ or something similarly unfussy??

I think perhaps the best example of what I’m talking about is the terrifically evocative opening to chapter 2. It works fine as it is but I think it loses a lot of its impact from being slightly overwritten and a bit self-consciously ‘profound’. Maybe change to: ‘Radio Road cuts across the suburbs of Mystic Island like ribbon on a present. And the night I was there, I was a smudge of coffee on that ribbon – unwanted, unclean, a reminder of past mistakes’ or something similar?? Keep it simple. Trim the fat. Leave room for the undeniable beauty of your writing to breathe.

If you don’t fancy changing the underlying style of the prose you could, of course, always switch from first person narration to third. I think the prose would still need a bit of tweaking but the ‘distance’ a third person narration allows would, I think, permit a more involved, elaborate style of prose. As a general point, I’m not that keen on first-person, past-tense narration as I’m constantly questioning how the hell the narrator can remember the specific detail of each scene and precisely who said what to who etc. Unless I missed something, it’s not clear from the opening chapters how old narrator Viola actually is?? I’m assuming a number of years have elapsed (ten? twenty?) which only adds to the feeling of discomfort I experience as a reader regarding her infallible memory. Unless there are plot reasons why the novel has to be told in past tense, you could always switch to present tense if you’re keen on a first person narration??

Other observations:

Some of the punctuation (especially re dialogue) needs looking at. An easy fix, tho.

Perhaps think about making the dialogue slightly more focussed?? While the exchanges are fine in themselves, the dialogue sometimes seems to lack a specific purpose and tends to ramble on a little. Maybe trim back a bit??

On the whole, the writing feels very polished, although I did notice a few typos (eg 1960s not 1960’s, seventy-six-year-old not seventy-six year old) and once or twice certain words or phrases are repeated in close proximity (eg reeked).

I’m sure it’s probably just me, but every time the name Avery was mentioned, it made me think of a man?? Maybe have a more unambiguously female name??

Chapter 2 felt like a bit of a digression from the main thrust of the novel?? Perhaps use it as a prologue or work the detail into the body of the narrative??

In short, an ambitious, strangely beautiful, quirkily original piece of writing that, to my mind, would benefit hugely from a simple re-edit. On my shelf when I get a chance to shuffle things around.

Thanks and best of luck. A

LF40 Review

The Promenade

I was drawn in by your short and long pitches – The short one is nice and snappy and the longer version feeds in the background details well.

There was an immediate personal draw for me when I read the premise as I am a former drug addict and so the story on offer holds a symbolism for me.

Chapter One

Ok, we open nicely enough with the MC awakening to the morning after the night before. The first few paragraphs work well enough – if a little overwrought. The diaphragm descriptive is medically anomalous but the sense of how she feels is conveyed well.

However, to make the whole more succinct and I believe, give greater impact I would look to par it down drop some of the descriptive words because there is a slight mechanical feel to it.

For me, I would take the first couple of paragraphs and re-work something like this –

“The pain was blinding, instant - a migraine, dry mouth, my stomach churning like a cement mixer. It was the morning after.
I touched my hairline trying to locate the focal point of my headache – but it was diffuse, impossible. Not that feeling this way was anything new to me, and though the pain usually subsided by the afternoon, it still left me facing a morning of bloodshot eyes and a head thick with spun glass.”

Just dropping out a few words and injecting some less dry descriptive into it. You need to give a meter, a prosody to the words so that the style of the narrative voice comes to the fore. Especially in first-person POV. Remember though – that’s not to say I am right, this is just my way of things, it does not necessarily have to be yours.

One minor nit moving on – I don’t know of anyone who refers to drugs (I assume you’re talking about Coke) as powder. Pick and stick to one of the many euphemisms. I’m in the UK and it would always be referred to as Coke, Charlie or sniff. Adds to the air of authenticity.

The next few passages could be tightened in a similar manner but that said, there is plenty to like as she leaves the apartment and the sense of her creeping out whilst recounting the details of the night before is good. You have some great phrasing – “his eyes sparkled only before the next line” excellent. “He was sweet, well sweat for 3.00am in Jersey.” Again, very good and evocative.

I like the counter-point of her stealing off his as she leaves – that is a nice authentic touch.
I read to the end of chapter one without stopping, trying to gauge a feel for where the story was going and why.
The premise is great – hedonism in the nineties and there are some wonderful touches but the whole feels oddly dispassionate, as if the need to get it on the page has resulted in a detached recounting of the story, especially in light of the back-story elements in Chapter One which could be disseminated through dialogue or injected a bit at a time as we move through the plot line.

It just feels a bit detached to me. I excepted more insight into the mind of the characters, rather than their physical condition. I wanted psychological details, thoughts, stream of conscience style.

But hey – like I say that’s just me. I am going to stop and read chapter two and three tomorrow and review further – maybe I am just not getting it.

Please don’t feel low about this. There is a lot to like here and a lot that works really well. The premise, setting and characters are fleshed out well and work. At times the prose is lyrical and paints a vivid image. For me, you just need to cull some of the less imaginative phrases so as to let the quality ones shine.

Also, and again this may be a UK thing, drug culture is one that has given rise to a whole host of phrases and terms that I would except to see on the page – regardless of the characters demographic, the language of the era you are trying to convey needs to be on the page (maybe it is later on) to lend it the authenticity your audience will expect.

There is nothing here that cannot be fixed and th3e foundations of the story are good. No book is written, every book is re-written.

Never give up.

Back tomorrow when I have more time for an in depth look at the next few chapters.

LF40 Review
Second thoughts?

Well yes, in a way. I have re-read the first three chapters with the benefit of the Synopsis - which is more than that really, it is a sort of explanation.

My overwhelming feeling is one of hope. That because i think there is such a really good story here. At the moment it is like a nettling with bits of shell attached - somewhat ugly, rather awkward and incapable of flight - but (and this is why I have that feeling of hope) we all know what is going to happen. It is going to grow beautiful plumage, acquire a silky sheen, and soar into the heavens. And i do mean all that!

So looking first at the ''art of writing' there seem to me to be some rather basic blunders and some quite unique bits of wonder. Examples?

"My diaphragm imposed itself hopefully against my ribcage . . . I paused, letting my chest fall" - hmm a bit of a medical emergency here in that you can breathe with your diaphragm and you can breathe with your ribs - and you can (and usually do) do both at the same time. So why is your diaphragm buggering about with your ribs?

"I recalled the salty sharpness of marine air. and decided that this was almost relieving" On the whole I think you do the first person narrative well, but it is a tricky thing and we all fall into the trap of describing how "I" feel about it rather than actually feeling it. Perhaps you should re-write this (and any similar bits) without the 'distance' from the narrator something like: As I tilted my head back . . . down the back of my throat I re-lived the salty sharpness of marine air, I felt the relief.

After the first few paragraphs of Ch 1 there is an awful lot of 'backstory' as Viola remembers her previous evening. Could we not go there with a bit of dialogue?

Occasional bits of muddled expression such as: " He and Brayden were the only other people in the world that knew the true story of Avery's and my past' - Other than who - Viola and Avery? this tends to interrupt the reader and might be better rephrased.

Occasional punctuation errors (yes, from me - the worst punctuator since the cry of the Amygdala!). Bits like: "Everyone is expecting to make huge breaks every night, and only so many get them." He said, as if he was . . . " I know you CAN use a flu stop there, but again it interrupts the flow of the reading

There are some really great phrases, I loved: "I was the youngest I would ever be'"
But again some confusing bits that are probably just needing a bit of a read through, such as: ". . and the shop made the most creaking noises throughout the night "
Another example of awkward writing - although it may be 'correct': "And we would spend a few hours after work pushing chemicals in the streets of New Jersey a few nights a week "

And all these minor blemishes must be forgiven for wonderful bits of writing like: "I saw the beach rotate and push the sky beneath me"

I will read on (sorry!), and make a few more notes - but I am starting to convince myself that the book begins in the wrong place. In order to explore the Viola/Avery relationship you have to feed us more and more backstory - that is so difficult to do as you are already in the 1st person past tense. I may be wrong - I may be wrong about a lot of this crit, but I know I am not wrong in saying that you have a really captivating plot and, at your best, a great writing style.

LitFic40 Review

Katy,

I was really glad to have the chance to take a look at The Promenade. The darkness implied by this not uncommon tale of hedonism gone wrong intrigued me and I think there is evidence of some fine writing here. My problems with the MS lie in the rather confusing hybrid of styles that exist within the three chapters that I have read so far which make me feel that you are not yet quite sure which sort of story you want to tell or the best manner in which to tell it. Hence the very bald style of social realism in chapters one and three, butted up against the almost lyrical poeticism of chapter 2 threw me a little. Partly as a consequence of this, and partly to do with your characterisation (particularly of Viola) I sometimes found it hard to engage with your cast and feel moved by their circumstance.

My suggestions, as I say, are based on chapters 1-3. I feel that once these opening pages are established in your own mind, the rest of the novel will fall into place. As always, these are just my opinions based, as they must be, on my personal style. If they in any way trample over your authorial intent or ambition they must of course be disregarded!

There is a good, unfettered boldness about the opening chapter which I think befits a scene of the morning after in all its sordidness. However, there were occasional lapses of clarity in the sentences which led to some ambiguity for me. For example, (from the first two paragraphs), I presume it is her stomach that churns like a cement mixer, but it’s not explicit, and what, in the second paragraph is “diffuse and impossible”? Is it her hairline or the headache? Perhaps I am playing stupid here for the sake of it, but I think you need to be very aware of the clarity of your language. Similarly, a little further on, she says she “..re-thought through the night…” which sounded to my ear a little clunky. It could be argued that the rather imprecise nature of the narrator’s language is a reflection of her physical state the morning after her binge, but I’m not sure that this works for me as a rationale, especially in the early pages where we need to feel immediately engaged in a story.

At certain points your imagery hits the ground running. I especially liked the way you slipped in the note about Viola’s weight amidst the rather claustrophobic scene in the elevator.

In other places there was a certain whimsical, almost romanticised feel to the language which jarred against the realism that you started out with. For example, I loved the idea of seagulls getting drunk on puddles, but, for me, and at this point, it made the whole scene sound rather glamorous and any sympathy I felt for Viola slipped at this point.

You introduce a LOT of characters in this first chapter, but none of them were really characterised to the point where I felt any engagement with them. There was a lot of casual backstory that, had I known or cared about the characters more, I may have been able to indulge, but as they were all so sketchy, I personally felt that it encouraged the reader to skim, rather than engage.

I do think that you describe Camden well; a good mixture of the physical with the intangible, although I think that his various shades of “handsomeness” are expressed rather too much as the novel progresses. If you are trying to express Viola’s simultaneous attraction and repulsion to his character I think there are better, less tautological ways of doing so, preferably through dramatic scenes or, less effectively, a more varied form of interior thought.

I couldn’t quite believe that Viola didn’t know her birth date and wondered whether this was more a symbolic statement than a statement of truth, ie. that she didn’t WANT to remember something that suggested she was part of a world she had chosen to opt out of. (Details like dates of birth being one of the things we are forced to remember and catalogue on various matters of official business, etc, as part of day-to-day life.)

The scene in the bowling alley, where Viola introspectively reacts to Camden’s wounds would be better, I felt, played out in dialogue. A verbal exchange would more dramatically show the beats of Viola’s slow creeping realisation that Camden is now playing with the big boys and the menace that this implies. (Which is, of course, further played out later in the novel). The plot development is an important one, opening up the rather insular hedonism of the book’s opening and showing that beyond this there is a larger price to be paid than a simple hangover.

The feeling I got from this first chapter is that you were keen to lay out the stall of your story; to put your plot up front for the sake of grabbing your audience. However, at the moment it reads a little too much like a rather breathless info dump. I think we need to know and care about these characters more. Trust the reader to not need to know everything about the plot up front, concentrate on what makes these characters special or notable before you kill them, or beat them, or whatever, and we will follow. At the moment, with such a lack of engagement with Viola, or any sense of who she is, or what she stands for, her concern over Camden reads a little disingenuously which works against her in the sympathy stakes. Lines like “I was devastated”, just don’t sound convincing at the moment.

This is not to say that all characters have to be sympathetic in a novel, but if, as I suspect, you are trying to inject a dimensionality to Viola’s character, or at least a partial sense that she is a victim of some circumstance past or present, then you really need to put the groundwork in for us to see. A junkie is not the most instantly likeable or empathetic of characters and you already have your work cut out for you in that respect. It might be worth playing up the social or emotional milieu of her world a little more in these opening pages, for example, what is it about where she lives or where she has come from that has made her want to opt out in a drug filled haze day after day? I am not talking about backstory here; I’m talking about creating a visual panorama of (perhaps) the city in which she lives, the socio-political backdrop, the mindless routine of modern life, her lack of attachment to anything tangible, which gives us not only a reason for her actions, but a reason for us to care about her, even if it is only by comparison.

I was really surprised by the leap in tone and language in chapter two. There was a poetic beauty to a lot of the paragraphs that was both elegant and effective in conveying a certain area and emotion. It did make me wonder whether this should be your first chapter, simply because I get so much more of a sense of Viola’s background and the perception she has of herself as the “smudge of coffee” on an otherwise beautifully wrapped present.

I love the detail of the worn boots and Viola’s inner remonstrations to tread carefully so no one notices how knackered they’ve become. It’s a really humanising moment, and, given her age at this point, an observation that marks out her sensitivity and awareness of how society works. This is the sort of detail so sorely missing from chapter one, for me. It reminds me a lot of the narrative voice in “Lullabies for Little Criminals” in its almost matter of fact tone that nevertheless relates unpalatable truths.

There is so much good stuff in this second chapter, Katy, but it covers such a wide time span that it is fairly impossible for it not to appear, again, like an info dump. I would have preferred it, if, after the initial clues to her birth and perhaps a hint of her life through foster care, the rest of these scenes were spaced out more elegantly through the narrative. You don’t have to adhere to a faithful chronology, (although it might be something that you feel better doing from a confidence point of view) and to have some of these episodes scattered in at salient points throughout the present-day plotline (when, say a memory is triggered), would be, for me, a better way of dealing with them.

I really like the line “I can’t blame my mother for the parts of myself that I don’t like. And I can’t blame Jersey. After all, Jersey and my mother were shaped by the same things that shape us all…” Speaking from my own, very personal, point of view, I would restructure the opening of your novel to include these lines, thus:

“Radio Road cuts across the suburbs of Mystic Island like a ribbon stretched across the wrapping on a present….(etc)…the one thing keeping it from being presentable...

I can’t blame my mother for the parts of myself that I don’t like. And I can’t blame Jersey. After all, Jersey and my mother were shaped by the same things that shape us all....

In my version of events, she was cold…(etc)…I still have that blanket…”

It reads a bit rubbish without all your beautiful words, (not being able to cut and paste is a pain), but I really feel that this, or some variation, would be a much more arresting and intriguing opening to your novel, and one which would predispose the reader much more to Viola’s story.

In chapter three, is the line supposed to read “little shite circles,” or “little white circles”?!! I note that s and w are very close on the keyboard, but didn’t want to presume…LOL!

Chapter three is where it becomes apparent to me that the groundwork you have already laid is not enough. Because we don’t really have a sense of the depth of the friendship between Avery and Viola (beyond being drug buddies), I struggle to understand (beyond being told in no uncertain terms) that Viola is devastated by the thought that Avery might be moving in with Brayden. This s another interesting point for me: is their friendship only strong when perceived through the filter of their mutual drug use, or is there some actual and real depth to it? In order for us to feel Viola’s desolation and desperation you need to firmly establish a)that insecurity and vulnerability is something that is characteristic of Viola and b) that she and Avery have a genuine closeness (even if this is undermined later in the book as reality bites). This, in turn, would make me understand, or at least accept, the complete turnaround that Viola then demonstrates in agreeing so readily to becoming a drug dealer. At the moment she goes from being “devastated” and shocked about Camden’s shady dealings, to someone who leaps at the chance to do the same herself. Does this make sense?

There is then a leap in narrative time from Viola the drug dealing ingénue to Viola the apparently already established dealer who hardly needs to use the scales, and this jarred with me again. I liked the political scene setting, and the idea of the factory workers versus the Italians in New York, but it all seemed a little throwaway and “easy” to my mind. It doesn’t necessarily follow that people struggling to pay their electricity bills become drug dealers on the boardwalks; what is missing here , I felt, was WHY? I think you know the answer, but you don’t show it on the page. Why this job and not another, more pedestrian path for Viola? What keeps her on this rollercoaster of self-destruction? I almost feel as though the headway you had made in chapter two in terms of reader sympathy is slipping away again in chapter three.

After this there is another leap, this time in tone, with the deal-gone-wrong plot development which takes us to the end of chapter three. To me, this read like a different book, again, and I struggled a little, not with its understanding but with both its pace and its intent.

Katy, I am going to stop at the end of Chapter 3 for the moment, simply because I think I have probably given you a headache with everything I’ve said in this review. What I think you have here is a potentially good and powerful book which is currently struggling with its identity. Is it social realism, is it a thriller, is it a literary piece? At the moment, for me, it lacks consistency of tone and with it, sufficient exploration of the characters (principally Viola) for me to fully engage with it. Having said that, I think there are moments of real excellence and strength where you do find your voice (or perhaps it’s simply the voice I am most comfortable reading) where the narrative sings.

I would step back and think about restructuring this book according to where you feel its potential and interest most lies. Some of my points will be valid whatever direction you take it, I think, whilst others will be more suited to a gentler, less plot-driven novel. Only you can make that final decision and don’t let anyone persuade you otherwise.

I would be really interested to read this after revisions.

With best wishes,

Wiz

A Small Death

http://www.authonomy.com/books/38849/a-small-death/

LF40 review

Katy,

Let me first say, With this being your first book, I am impressed at how well your story is put together. Next, since I know what wholesome area of the U.S. you live in (literally my back yard) I am surprised that such a beautiful, young woman like you, would know so much about the ins and outs of drug dealing.

Just to set the stage, I am not an English major nor a creative writing major, so my review is going to be quite generalized as compared to some of your others. Also, I only nit on the obvious and didn’t really see any inconsistencies in the first three chapters that I read. And anyway, this is your artwork, your creation, it came from your heart. The only thing the rest of us can really do is tell you how it affects us. So, kudos to what you have accomplished. You can be so proud of that.

I found your story well-written and very interesting. To me, your characters seemed very believable, but then again, I don’t know any drug dealers or throwaway kids. You did manage to make me care about Vi and in some strange way I care about her friends too. As your pitch eludes to, I hope they eventually realize the destructive path they are on before it’s too late. And hopefully, this is the intent of your book.

You make some wonderfully insightful observations as the character of Vi. The girl is so “unbelonging” yet needs to belong. And just like the rest of America, she is indebted. Thankfully, she has at least one, generous beyond belief, friend to rely on.

Just beyond the plush casinos of Atlantic City is a totally different scene. The underworld that feeds those gambling strips just happens to be in the seedy backhouses of Vi’s neighborhood. I think you do a great job letting the reader into the bleary-eyed, unending nights and mixed up days of the petty and not so petty drug dealer. Highly starred. I’ll be back after I’ve read more.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

LF40 Review
The Promenade
An impression

I am trying hard to come to enjoy this book - and not doing very well. I cannot put my finger on it but the characters are just not gelling for me - I want to believe in them, and find that very difficult. I know it is stupid of me but I cannot even get to grips with their names!

My impression is of a series of, fairly short, film clips. These are quite vivid and well-described and from each one I want to move on, find out more. But then i am presented with another clip that whilst related to the first in name (and usually place) seems to have little emotional continuity with it. I am not sure if I have described that very well.

I don't find a vast amount of empathy with Viola. I thought I was going to in the first few paragraphs of the book, but I have become increasingly pissed off with her - well not even that much feeling really - more a sense of ennui - not good for the reader's take on the MC.

Most of the writing is good - some bits are excellent. There is tension and description and a great sense of the realism of poverty. I have read most of the upload now and would not have done so if I did not think that there is very real potential in the book. My advice (pompous old fool that I am!) would be to re-map the structure, including the emotional development of the characters and then try a major re-write using almost every bit of the material you already have - but using that material in a rather different way so as to build up a more effective and sensitive storyline for the reader.

Still hoping for a synopsis . . . following which I will have another read.

L40 Review (1st glance)

Like the beginning a lot, the gradual filling out of the environment from a suffering point of view, the ifyness of the situation becomes, more iffy, you could say becomes italicised, as she takes the 55 dollars and leaves.

It's an interesting scenario such that if you moved it to Baltimore would fit in as a thread in the brilliant TV Series The Wire.

I think Viola is both smarter and stronger than she admits, but she has a legacy of being at the bottom and in need of a blanket. I like the realism but I'm not sure I'm convinced with the arc of Avery's tale, though as I say this is only a first look.

Overall I'd say it is an intriguing tale which casually casts its eye at the twisted values of the American culture.

I will return when I've read and digested some more

Jim

LF40 Review

I am no expert. These are just my thoughts. I do not mean to critise, but merely provide my thoughts on the piece for the purpose that if you do further edits, that something might help. I read up till the end of chapter two, and thought I was starting to feel empathy for your character, that the reason for your character’s motivations were starting to become apparent.

I read your opening chapter twice and at first I found myself pulling apart some of your sentences because of misplaced commas and some ambiguity at times with the word ‘it’ and some other stuff, but decided to remove them from the crit, after I read you have been constantly editing this, so as not to distract from my main thoughts.

One of the things I will bring up though that made me possibly think harder than I needed was the use of diaphragm – when you mentioned it was the morning after, I vision where we were going to be in the next first few paragraphs…and at first I thought you meant contraception and that she hoped it had been pushed into her womb for it to be near her ribcage…so if anyone else picks up on that, I’d consider putting ‘my body’s diaphragm’

I did like the opening paragraphs and at fist glance it is a girl who has had a one night stand, then the meaning of it deepens a little more when we discover she’s been on drugs. This led me to a few thoughts, one being that although I’ve never taken the drug in question, I did wonder about how coherent she would really be after just waking up. – And I also wondered if she would have already slept. I don’t know about cocain, but I do know with some drugs such as speed or lsd you won’t be going to sleep till about the time this girl is waking up, if then, – assuming work starts around 8 or 9am

Back to her waking up and noticing this fellow, one part of me thought, she might have been in this situation that many times, that it’s all ho-hum, because that was how it read, in the sense, it was just all in a night out to her, nothing to worry about – and that’s okay.

There is a bit of disjointness with the narrative in that we go from her going down the elevator, to her eating, then work. I don’t find that a problem as such, except I would expect her mind to be in more of shambles after such a big night – and I’m not sure the narrative skipping moments, when her thoughts come across clear and focused, works especially as she has this pounding headache – to such a degree her nose bleeds from the drugs or headache and she vomits.

I also thought when she was in the elevator you lost a moment to really build on the claustrophobia and the sound of that elevator going through the floors, lurching, ect, when you told us she had claustrophobia and what caused her to throw up.

In my opinion, she seems too coherent for a woman/girl who has taken drugs so much her nose has sores, wakes up with a stranger, after one can assume very little sleep, and gets herself off to work – which also made me wonder what time it is in the morning…we really have no indicators, except the assumption she is starting work in the morning, but I found the narrative when she was at work again to be too collected. I’m not convinced throwing up after such a night fixes you….yet we hear no more of the hangover again, just she’s merely bored, when surely a hangover that makes you throw up, stays with you until you sleep again or at least till the end of the day or you have another fix.

– there is a saying a writer said to me once, ‘if you are going to mention a broken arm’ be sure to have it mended before it’s used again.’

I guess what I’m saying in a very longwinded way, is I struggle with the realism of your main characters plight in the first chapter. It’s all there and it should be something a lot of people can empathise with, regardless if they take drugs. A great majority have had a hell of hangover and been green from alcohol, myself included. Many will have woken up with a strange man in their bed or in their bed.

It’s not new, but I’m not sure the emotions are captured, and one way to do that is with the senses…sight, smell ect….but apart from the seagulls or mention of ocean, it’s lost inside a narrator clearly focused, despite feeling ill. And part of me thought, okay a strong girl, but everything we have seen thus far by the end of the chapter, doesn’t show a strong woman or girl, but one who is struggling, but again the narrator doesn’t show this internal struggle. – this is something I’m inferring more so because that is what I expect to be the problem but I feel it is missing from the narrative.

When we hear the backstory about the night before we don’t really know what she feels about it…we don’t know if she cares or doesn’t care if she’s woken up in a strange man/boys bed. We don’t know if she regrets anything, and although some might assume because it has been neglected in the text, it implies she doesn’t, but that doesn’t ring true, when she mentions she’d like to know her birthdate and it was from that statement that made me become interested in how she didn’t know her birthday, which implies she doesn’t know who she is. To me that was a good hook and one that you answered quickly at the start of chapter 2

It was only at the mention she did not know her birthday, that started me to infer why this girl might be taking drugs, sleeping with strange men, and in affect be feeling she has no value - because even her mother never kept her, didn’t bothered to pass on information that every child needs and will forever strive for and in turn become a little self destructive because of the lack of or search for identity.

I like chapter 2 and from there I felt empathy for the character.

I think if you really play to the reality of your main characters situation you have the potential for a powerful story, and I think to do that you really need to delve deeply into her situation and lay it bare and raw in that first chapter. I almost got the feeling you were being too safe, concentrating on the physical side of such situations such as throwing up, and neglected to really place us in her mind and show us who she is emotionally.

Good luck with this.

Dear Katy

I have read chapter 1 and some of chapter 2. I find your writing engaging, especially as you competently dissect the crazy, disorganised and chaotic lifestyle of a woman on drugs. You write well, and have an excellent grasp of scene setting, motivation and the self absorption that is utterly typical of a person in this state.

I cannot read much more, as I will become rather depressed. I have to steer clear of vivid, visceral writing on such a subject as this, because it pains me. Keep writing, though.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

The promenade LF40
Short pitch: rather vague. Would not entice me to read more.
Long: much the same
Chapter 1
The opening is striking, immediately drawing me into the story. This is all very vividly written causing me to wonder if it not from personal experience. The energetic use of language show a keen literary imagination.
I’ve often noticed an “authonomy-type” : a first person narrative about a troubled and often morally dubious young person usually male (but not in this case). I do wonder why this unless it is the ambition of many here to write the next catcher in the rye. In this case, I do find the subject matter and approach justified, at least in this opening section.
Despite the vividness of certain descriptions a vagueness remained, first as to where the opening setting was, (a barely drawn tall building somewhere near a shore), but more importantly as to what job the protagonist had.
After the stunning opening, the next section disappoints. Despite some exquisite details about the nature of their relationship, both Avery and Braydon seem to be shadowy figures, not much fleshed out.
The introduction of Camden takes us deep into the murky world which the characters inhabit. The exchange between the narrator and Camden is realistic, perhaps too much so. I can well believe this as an everyday conversation but I’m not sure if it translates to the page. I did think it came across as a Q&A. The whole Camden sequence seemed dialogue heavy actually.
Chapter 2
I found this opening somewhat hard to get into. Lots of places are suddenly mentioned(Camden now a place?) I’m unclear about what the smudge of coffee bit. The jumping back and forward in time confuses me. By the end I’m still not sure why this chapter is here at this point. I don’t yet care enough about the narrator to want her life story. This chapter actually makes me less sympathetic to her and makes me think she is a narcissistic bore.
Chapter 3
I still have no idea what kind of shop they were sleeping in.
I’m not convinced by the narrator’s reasons for dealing, but I do believe that she has persuaded herself of her ‘poverty’. ” And none of would imagined at this simple peddling…” I don’t know if this anticipation of future events really adds anything.
There’s a general vagueness after this. I don’t buy Camden in a guardian angel role. I’m still unclear as to their actual relationship. Some vaguely constructed sentences such as “Camden had told him how he felt” etc do not help. I’m also not convinced by Evan as working for a dealer. Surely he’d have some muscle on hand just in case he got into trouble?
My general thoughts are that after a strong opening, the story struggles to find direction. Characters are shadowy and settings even more so. Some of the motivations are lacking. There is some good writing but nothing IMO to match the opening paragraphs.
I hope some of this is helpful to you.
Daniel ‘Headless’

The Promenade (Chapter One)
Don't give me that 'I'm a scientist not a writer' - there are more than a few who are both! But I take your point about it being a first novel, and it's great that you welcome criticism.( I hope mine will be constructive.)
Firstly, some beautiful lines that really jump out at me: 'I was in too much pain to sugar-coat myself.' and 'I was never what anyone was looking for.'
The reason these lines work is because they don't try to explain anything. You do quite a lot of explaining in other places and the work would immediately read more professionally if you went through it removing everything that isn't necessary for the reader to know right then and there. (The 2 lines I've quoted tell me more about the main character than your description of where & how she was born.)
I also want to draw your attention to a little habit of telling us what is NOT - what ISN'T happening, what something DOESN'T look like or feel like. Tightening up things like that will bring the action and the characters much closer; will draw the reader in closer.
Your opening only begins to hook me, as the narrator gets ready to leave the apartment where she has woken up. I laboured through the various symptoms of her hangover, wanting to care but not really able to. Your writing is not to blame - your write very well. The question is more how to tell a story.
The short paragraphs you used in the opening don't help me get involved either - they make me think something new is coming up when it's only a continuation of the same moment. It would read with more density and, to my mind, more interest, if you merged a few of them, only starting a new one when there is a major shift of focus (eg getting out of bed / remembering previous night / leaving apartment)
Interest grows as new characters enter. They are colourful and promise to carry the story forward. But when your narrator tells us who she fancies and who is 'gorgeous', I feel I'm reading a novel for teenagers. Have you heard the rule: show don't tell? Let us in on her feelings by all means, but use a little artistry to do so. Let us become aware of the attraction by the way they speak or move (for example).
Another little maxim you may find helpful: Never state up front what the narrative itself can reveal. I know that Vi is telling the story, so we can be privy to all her thoughts...but where is the fun in that? Intrigue depends on holding stuff back. By all means allow us her thoughts if they are necessary to move the story forward, but consider also how things withheld can add interest.
Vi's unusual birth could have been very engaging. You glossed over it and the foster homes very quickly. Is that because you have more important things to tell us in chapter one? I could have listened to her talk about her childhood much longer, but grew bored with her attempts to discover why the dealer-friend had a fight wound on him. (You'd already let us know she was attracted to him so there was no tension for us to discover in that. And that's what I mean about the importance of leaving things out at times)
I found myself questioning your priorities for the opening chapter - but only you know (or should) what is important to the development of your story, and its plot structure. Sometimes we can only answer this after we've finished a first draft and know how it's all going to end, so don't worry too much about this issue until you have a complete story.
I look forward to reading on and watching this work develop. I suspect that you DO have the makings of a writer - your science background is no impediment, and this is a very promising start.
Good luck.
j.marie [Sleeping Gods]
PS. Does asbestos have a smell? I've had considerable exposure (alas) and have never noticed any smell.

Firstly, let me mention that, not being the ‘stare at the grisly car-accident’ type, I’m not your favoured audience, yet story aside, I can still see a lot of merit in the writing itself.

Your greatest asset appears to be the way you assert your individuality as the author from the very start, and that continues on through the four chapters that I’ve read. In other words, if I were given two disconnected excerpts from your book, I think I’d easily know they were written by the same person. I like that you keep the same tone as the story progresses – it gives the story the feeling of being planned and rules out any ideas that you might have been writing it offhandedly. Additionally, compared to most manuscripts in here, yours is very neat and there are few typos or missing words to be found. That’s cool.

Of course, I might still be wrong about your writing the story with a specific plan in mind, but if so, that’s an even bigger compliment.

You have a very clear thought process and it feels like nothing that needs to be stated gets left out. At the same time, you make sure not everything’s too direct (Camden’s feelings for Viola) and let the reader do their own guessing.

The manner in which you present your setting to be full of danger, druggies and normal people struggling to make ends meet made me wonder if it’s how you want your background to be or whether it’s based on factual conditions in that time and place. I’m not entirely convinced it’s the latter, so I’d suggest either adding some details (imagery and short scenes) that’d back your vision of a city fallen into poverty and crime or hint at it having a loose resemblance to how things actually are in AC.

I’d also like characters other than Viola to improve – Camden and Brayden, for instance, aside for initially doing different things for a living, don’t stand out against each other – the reader lacks some definite characterisation to separate them. As it is, they’re just two gorgeous guys who seem made from the same clay. Avery’s case is not as bad, but I’d still like her voice to be stronger and more distinct.

In conclusion, I want to say again that I greatly appreciate how ordered your writing is (a kind of discipline behind it). And one last thing to point out – seeing how long they were, I thought I might read two chapters and stop at that, but – no accident there – ended up reading four.

Hi Katy,

This is my return read - due back very late, and I fear that you would prefer I hadn't given one at all.

I intended to read three chapters, but I'm afraid I couldn't even make it to the end of your second chapter before giving out. A lot of the comments I have to make may offend you, but they also have been influenced by what I've been doing outside of authonomy at the minute. Some of the criticism I make you will perhaps confront it that you are aiming for accuracy and to really capture something or the lives of people you've known - but a lot of it doesn't work and this is literature, as Plato said: literature is three degrees from reality.

The most prominent issue I had was your MC. I found it terribly hard to relate, she was incredibly annoying and your use of trying to release information made her seem awfully conceited and self-obsessed. What I also disliked was the constant self-degradation and in almost every paragraph reinforcing the idea that she is living on the edge - so much so that it just didn't work. Coupled with this was the fact that your MC prevented me from entering this world - it never felt natural, the character herself never felt like she was a part of this worl and this was due to comments from her where she recognised she was living a "socially unacceptable life" - but why would she make that statement when she socialises with the characters in the book that creates a normality for her, and this comment particularly threw me out of empathising with the character. Secondly was her constant references to how dangerous Jersey is - is it really necessary to repeat it so often and not allow us to feel that the character takes it for granted? All of this really distanced me from your MC.

Turning to your MC again - the self-degradation. It was so constant that it lost all meaning. There was no 'heroic temper' about her. No feeling of dignity - and no matter what lengths and suffering characters in literature go through, no matter how much they lose, there is always a thread of human dignity in them, some aspect of self that is still there - and your character had none. She seemed little else other than a cardboard cut out to show what any kind of drug addict in Jersey is like.

The prose itself had little rhythm to it. Sentences felt awkward at times - and this, I felt was due to syntax. Words seemed to grate against each other rather than flow - and any flow there was, I felt, was inhibited by not having a consistent length of sentences. I'm sure you wanted sharp and snappy, but you also seemed to fall into long, almost metaphorical, sentences and it all felt out of place.

Some of the phrasing felt a little off to me. One that springs to mind was "the only job I could maintain" - do you really maintain a job? I don't know, but it threw me. There were a couple of others out there, but then perhaps it is the British-American English divide.

You did pique my interest very well at one point, which was when Camden appeared with the gash. This I thought would be very interesting and I suddenly felt like I had a character with a lot of depth. While I was reading I felt that this is a character I will get to know very slowly and who will surprise me - but all was revealed to quickly, how he got the scar, his psychology, and so on...and he just felt flat. The conversation thereafter was very tedious - and that was an issue I found throughout, especially the bit with the elevator, the sleeping downstairs in the tattoo parlour, &c.

I don't know if I have a whole lot else to say. Its not a book for me, I'm afraid, and I certainly stand in a very small minority so you can decide for yourself if my reaction has anythign worthwhile in it or if its just one of those that you get every now and then. I wish you the best of luck and every success and I hope you don't judge me on the basis of how I judged your book.

Yours,
Joe

LF40. I found it difficult initially to engage with your MC but having read two chapters now I'm starting to get a better picture. If only I could say the same about Avery, who doesn't seem to have much of a presence. Likewise Brayden is pretty sketchy. Camden is more solid but I struggled with Vi's uncertainty towards him early on. The conversation they have in chapter one is a bit explanatory. It seemed odd that his injured face went unnoticed by the others, too. Much better is the tension in the second chapter. Vi's naivety is similarly perplexing given her troubled past.

I'm not a fan of the first person narrative. At times it can read like a list of thoughts and statements. Vi does come to the fore eventually and she 's interesting and complex but I didn't know her name until another character used it. Okay, it's in the pitch but I'd forgotten that already. Also I'm puzzled how Avery can have a seemingly successful business, live in the same building and not be able to pay the electric bill? I'd like more background. A better understanding of people, place and time.

You have a good story here but I think you need to separate the narrative from Vi's anxiety, broaden your canvas and offer up some descriptives passages. It could get stifling otherwise. There's lots to work with, your writing is sound and the dialogue is convincing.

Holy Hell, what a place to leave off.

Yeah, I read all of what you have up here. It was an interesting story, intriguing characters. I wasn't quite expecting the way that went - it disturbed me a bit with its fatalism. But then, if you'd made it all sunny and bright at the end, I might have felt it let us off too easy.

I have a list of typos and whatnots for you, which I won't leave here. Let me know if you'd like them messaged.

For a novel in its infancy, I'm very impressed :)

If I were you, I'd leave the self doubt at the door and continue to work hard.

I've added your novel to my watchlist, best of luck madam.

Harry

THE PROMENADE

COVER: Him I wish I knew what it was... looks like ocean...underneath a boardwalk? but the bright light beneath makes me think its something else. It's not bad but if you want me to make you a different one please feel free to ask. After reading all the marketing and a bit of the text I get it...but...hm...its tough with the postage sized view.

TITLE: I think it's okay...doesn't really compel me to want to read it or pick it up but I rarely do/would a name like that unless it came with the name of an author I liked...or was recommended...so that doesn't make it a bad title just not one that would grab me from an unknown. Sorry!

SHORT PITCH: Might read better as "Viola never felt at home until she found a family in the back alleys of Atlantic City." or at least I'd remove "that". but otherwise I think its good.

LONG PITCH: I sort of wish ou told me about the story...without giving me a history lesson. Sorry! I'd get rid of the first paragraph. ...or move it to the end.
"and some of them may be right." ?? some of the profits and greed rising? I'd get rid of that last line or rewrite it as a solo item better stated.

---- I'd say your marketing package needs a little work. A solid start but remember this is the first stuff an agent or editor would read/see. Make it work! - figured you might get that reference.

TEXT: dry mouth/bone dry mouth - might find another way to make a reader understand it without saying it twice.
Oooh, I love reading about bloody booger scabs. I like this whole scene but you're definitely overdoing it trying to get me to understand/feel the morning after business.
Does chp1 end at the line or is it really that long? If so...not that its bad but it needs to be cut into a few chapters.
It's too much for one meal. There felt like a lot of excess...sorry! Take a look at the descriptions and action and I'd say remove anything that isn't absolutely necessary!

Yes...this is a solid start to what could be a great gritty work.

Best of luck!
-=Bradley

LF40 Review

Hey Katy

So, The Promenade. I like the premise of this :) Obviously ignore anything you feel is utter tripe, and I'll comment as I go along.

CH1
Your opening is very strong, if a little cliched. Descriptions are good in that though they're quite mechanical (in term of taking us through your MC's bodily movements), it serves to make us feel like we're waking up with her and experiencing what she's feeling. You'll probably scream at me for saying this, but the opening feels very much like the kind of book I'd pick up off the shelf in a chick lit genre. I know if's not what you're aiming for, but actually I don't think it's a bad thing. Your prose is very laid back and if anything, it may well draw more readers to Lit Fic like this because it's accessible and instantly familiar to readers of different genres. I like it.

I stumbled over the part where she scratches the bridge of her nose, only because you later say it opened up the newly formed scabs (I'm guessing from coke?). Usually I would associate the bridge of the nose with the outer nose, so the idea of it opening scabs insider her nose stood out for me.

‘She’d be so proud’ – took me a second to realise here that you were referring to her mum. I liked the backstory, it was just the right length before it started to feel too ‘info-dump-like’.

‘Stub[b]le covered jaw’ – (about Camden)

Picking an arbitrary date for her drivers licence etc – I’m not sure about the US but in the UK, you need a birth certificate to get one. I’m guessing that she doesn’t have a birth certificate since she doesn’t really know what day her birthday is. As I say, it may be different in the US but this stood out a little for me. Reading about this bit has just made me question the beginning of the backstory, where we learned about Vi being abandoned on the roadside. I’m presuming this is information given to her as she’s grown up? At this point, I’m feeling for her though. She’s certainly not had the best start in life at all.

‘Camden had a 3 inch gash’ – the use of his name here felt a little repetitive for some reason...

The explanation from Camden felt a little bit like it was more of an opportunity for the reader to understand how the drugs trade works in Jersey/New York than something Camden would say. I wonder if it could be re-worded at all to make it feel a little less so. It’s important for sure, most people probably don’t know the ins and outs, but wondering if it would be more realistic to be shown in another way.

I’m slightly confused after this section. When Camden was introduced, I was under the impression that Vi didn’t really like him at all, but after he explains what happened to him, it seems like she’s now really worried about him – almost as if she has feelings for him and doesn’t want him to get hurt. This is a normal reaction to finding out a friend’s been hurt of course, just feels a bit strange after the intro of him...

‘Camden wondered what last night would cost him’ – feels like a slip into 3rd person POV as Vi wouldn’t know that is what he was wondering.

‘Every time I noticed the ruptured capillaries in his eye’ – the notice feels a bit weak. I’ve had this mentioned about my book too, apparently it’s a filter word. Hard to spot in my own but easier to spot in others. I can’t help but feel ‘saw’ might be a bit stronger, or something similar?

Maneuvered – manoeuvred – although this may be a UK/US spelling difference

Interesting first chapter, the only problem I had with it was that I was mega confused by Vi and Camden, though hoping this will become a little clearer as I read on.

CH2

‘I shuttered thinking of his reaction’ – not sure about the ‘shuttered’- it makes me think of window blinds lol. Shuddered? Again, this could be a US/UK thing though...

‘I assumed it was Avery’ (in the bathroom) – this made me think it was actually going to be someone other than Avery...

Like that Evan turned out to be a nutcase, a harsh lesson for Vi to learn. Was slightly confused where you wrote that he had all of her money because he was her first deal of the night. For some reason it made me think she was carrying money PLUS the 80 from Evan.

‘The sand...I had fallen on and the arms I had just left’ – the end of this sentence read a little odd for me, it’s almost like she’s talking about the arms she had just left instead of the sand...

Angry ribbons of pain – I liked that

‘We never intended to put you or Avery in danger’ – this is a lame cop out. Not talking about your writing, but Brayden. It’s not like it’s a mediocre office job, the nature of it means this stuff is far more likely to happen! Have to say, neither Brayden nor Cam are really having me warm to them. I get that Vi and Avery are in a pickle financially, but it just seems like such a low thing to do to your girlfriend and mate. However, I do like that after this incident they’re talking about having them working the shop while they do the dangerous stuff.

This chapter has completely made me rethink Viola. In the opening, it felt like she was this hard as nails character. Like she knew the ins and outs of the drugs scene. But actually, she seems to be really quite naive and less streetwise than I imagined. Anyone with an ounce of common sense would know not to tell a ‘client’ they lived on top of a specific shop, so I was quite surprised that she did this. I did like it though. Her feelings over Cam combined with her struggling to deal made her feel a lot more real and human. At this point, I don’t feel I know much of Avery or Brayden. Cam I’m ok with as we’ve seen a bit of him, but at the minute Avery and Brayden feel more like they’re very much in the background.

CH3
‘The last exchange wasn’t been very pleasant’ – wasn’t very or hadn’t been as this doesn’t make sense

‘apt. Window’ – seems a bit strange to abbreviate ‘apartment’?

The bit where Cam asks Vi why she has no tattoos as she’s been friends with a tattoo artist for half her life – since she was a teenager – this felt like you were giving the reader info rather than a part of the conversation. Personally I think that if the ‘since you were a teenager’ was taken out it would be more realistic. We already know what kind of age Viola is so personally, I don’t think it really adds anything...

I was just starting to wonder when Avery and Viola had met, so the next section is perfectly placed.

Avery – starting to get a gauge on her character now. I like that she’s the total opposite of Vi in terms of where and how she grew up, but inside she must have issues of her own to leave behind a life like that. Do have a question though. Both she and Vi were 16 when they left, and a few months later she became a tattoo artist. I’m a little unconvinced on this – only because I guess you’d start as an apprentice at least? Is it her shop/was it her shop?

‘I have to coup you up’ – coop (I think)

I like her outburst at Camden. She has such a low opinion of herself – quite unable to believe anyone would like her for who she is. This makes her very vulnerable and I like that. Now I’m just wondering how much longer these two will continue to dance around each other and just bloody get it on!

Aww. Sigh. I have warmed to Cam now. I like that he thinks of Vi the same way she thinks of Avery. Seeing her face is the best part of his day everyday. Bless.

‘I could hardly breathe in all the negative space’ – don’t know why but this line stands out. The negative space sounds like something you’d use to describe a place you really didn’t want to be in....it’s quite clear she’s rather enjoying being where she is right now ;)

This is a good chapter. The tension has been building with these two throughout so far so I like that they’ve finally got together. In terms of the sex scene, some of it did feel a little mechanical and I found myself getting a little lost with all the descriptions of how their bodies were moving here and there etc. I think paring this back a little will work wonders, but on the whole I liked it. They’re so easy to get wrong but you did a good job here.

CH4

The intro confused me a bit as we haven’t heard of Chao or An up until now and ordinarily I’d have thought other MC’s would be introduced earlier?

‘It was right before we came to the beach’ – the ‘it was’ makes the dialogue feel less natural I think, and so far, it’s been spot on and very realistic.

I really liked the conversation with Avery on the beach. At first, I thought it was going to be a typical girlie post-sex discussion, which I didn’t think would suit the characters. I liked that Avery showed some passion about something. It fleshed her out a bit – gave me an insight into what her ideals, insecurities and feelings were. Atmospherically, it worked well by switching to the boys and then back to the girls.

‘there was supposed to be a huge buy, but it was supposed to be blow’ – the ‘suppose’ feels repetitive

Camden’s explanation of what happened felt cold. If it were me, I’d be berating myself for even entertaining the idea of being with someone who could laugh about his mate being knocked like that. I hope Vi does this...

‘there segway is through Newark’ – their

‘with the pain of his black eyes resonating in his sinuses’ – this feels like third person

This is obviously a huge turning point in the story. I'm still a bit unconvinced that Vi let him off so easy, even if Avery ended up having a go at him. I;ve started to go off him a touch because he seems totally unconcerned that Brayden who’s new to it, got done over...

CH5

The conversation between Avery’s parents felt a touch forced for me. Handy, in that it paints a real picture of her home life and why she’d eventually had enough, but there was something in the dialogue that didn’t ring true for me.

CH6

I’ve just wondered if Chao and An will pop up again as I read the intro to this?

‘My hands were bursting with blood’ – you have speechmarks at the beginning here but it reads as narrative?

I liked this. Vi is again displaying her vulnerability for Cam but I can’t help feel that he’s going to hurt her – badly.

‘factories were in the middle of shut down’ – feels like shut down should be one word, shutdown.

‘they sat on the edge with us’ – I'm confused...thought they were in Brayden’s car?

‘We even had a website’ – is this still 1992?

TEN GRAND for a mobile phone? Jeez, that’s steep!

I like that you’ve used the benefit of history and hindsight to weave in a glimpse of what’s to come for them and I also like that Vi starts to miss her old life, despite the ease of her new one.

‘wad[e] in it with us for a while’

I find myself wondering what’s happened to Vi’s relationship with Cam – are they still an item?

‘whomever had stolen my heels’ – the whomever felt a bit clunky

The man on the pier – who is it? Elliot or Elijah or whoever from the beginning? He’s not named for me to get it.

CH7

Aha...Chao and An again...still not sure what to make of these two – I’m guessing they’re going to be part of the next twist or the crescendo or whatever, but I must admit I’m trying not to skim read so I can get back to Vi etc. I do have a question though. It reads as though it’s on the same day as their last section, but there’s nothing to say this is the case. Since we last saw them, time has obviously moved on. For me, I’d have liked something to say definitively that Chao and An are present day maybe?

So Cam loves Vi. I’m interested to find out how much.

‘There were three turrets visible’ – this could be streamlined just to say ‘three turrets were visible’ – taking out the ‘there’ makes me feel closer to the MC.

Evan making whistling sounds at the cars felt a bit weird. Presumably, he’s been there before? Whistling would be something I’d imagine you’d do the first time you see one.

I’m just wondering why Vi hasn’t called Cam to tell him about this? Seems like a pretty important thing and I imagine he’ll go nuts at her if he finds out.

You repeat ‘she’s the only one I could find’ – which feels...repetitive. Turning this into something like, ‘I couldn’t find the others’ would say the same thing but feel fresh.

Holding back the bile in her throat that was threatening to send her into dry heaves – this felt a little odd to me, only because by having bile in her throat, if she heaved, surely the bile would come out. Gross thing to talk about lol, but that’s what it made me think.

‘I thought she might have been followed...’ this paragraph felt a little clunky with words that could be trimmed to make it flow better, for example, have/that.

‘Kent please’ – for some reason, I had to re-read this to figure out it was still Evan talking. I don’t think the NY boss has been named as yet so the ‘Kent’ threw me. Love the names in this book by the way.

‘I scream broke through my lips’ – A scream?

‘I could already smell the comforting smell of a fire in the fireplace’ –smell/fire repetition

Things are taking an interesting turn now with Vi having a secret set up with the boss. It’s starting to mix things up a little and keeping things at a nice even pace.

CH8

With the chapters on Avery and Camden – it might be an idea to say when it is – 1983 or whatever. Only because I start off expecting it to be their POV in the present, not the past so it confuses me a bit.

Mucous – could be a US/UK thing, but I’ve always known it to be spelled ‘mucus’

‘A clean looking piece of bread’ – felt a bit weird. Clean as in dirty/clean or clean as in mould free?

‘four more stories’ – storeys?

I liked this chapter right until the end. You had me feeling sorry for Cam and I was warming to him as he went to retrieve his mum – until he kicked her, and all of that evaporated. Strangely, I’ve gone from extreme to extreme with how I feel about Cam, but now I’m thinking that I really don’t like him and can’t wait for the moment he gets shot or something. Which is a shame.
CH9

Nothing to say here really. The pace is quickening, nicely done.

CH10

Really good chapter. I like that you haven’t used Vi’s POV here as it keeps us guessing. Finally Cam seems to be thinking about someone else other than himself. Still not 100% convinced on him, but we’ll see...

CH11

‘Ask you[r] boyfriend’

Again, I’m disappointed with Cam. He seemed so traumatised when he found Vi but the minute they’re indoors he’s more or less thrown her on the sofa and interrogating her. Not even offered her a glass of water. He’s one callous guy, and I’m back to hating him, even if he does apologise later.

‘anything you can remember about anyone you saw last night’ – I don’t think you need the ‘last night’ as it’s already implied in the previous sentence.

CH12

Although I like the interspersing of backstory for each of the MC’s, it feels like Brayden’s has come ever so slightly late in comparison to where the story has got to.

The first line of this chapter I’m sure has been told already earlier in the story, so feels a touch repetitive.

I like that Brayden has had more of a ‘normal’ upbringing than the others, in that he knew and loved his family, otherwise I’d have thought it was all a bit too convenient. Very nicely written, if a little misplaced.

CH13
I find it strange that Camden wont touch her anymore. He’s really weird.

Avery’s confession was good – hopefully it means they’ll find a way out. They make a cute couple. As for Camden, well. What a nasty character he turned out to be, though I knew all along he had the capacity to hurt Vi like this and eventually would. Poor Vi.

Is this The End? Because I want to know more. I really enjoyed this, despite being confused at points. Really good writing and a gripping plot. Your characters are drawn well, particularly Vi and I found myself really sympathising with her throughout.

Really well done.

Silva

I really disliked your opening scene. It's a cliche and unnecessary. Everything else I read rocked. Hard. I don't really have anything else to offer. I think this is very accomplished and authentic.

Oh, one thing - you can get into trouble with lyrics. If you don't already know the score, you might want to ask around or do some research or something. DaisyFitz, I think, has a very good grasp of this.

Cheers

Evie

I was caught with the words of Bruce Springsteen and to my mind I just had to carry on ... there is so much good writing here, so many one liners, particularly in the opening when she's talking about the foster parents, "Their eyes were dead when I arrived and even emptier when I left." "It's not hard to tell when you're not giving people what they want." - I felt the gap, the inability to breach the empty space of feelings filled with the loneliness of being a nobody. Deep inside I could feel the drugs and the big, fat, going nowhere thoughts and somewhere I could hear "The River" - Wilfred (Cry Havoc! Let Slip The Dogs of War)

sometimes i do things backward around here- i back a book for a while before i get around to commenting.

i liked your first line and the opening scene was definitely a good way to start, showing that your mc is complicated and flawed and interesting. your description of the nose bleed was visceral and it made me queasy- which is a compliment!

in the 2nd scene, you launch into background that i found hard to believe. her mother gives birth on a sidewalk and happens to find a blanket in the dumpster? and abandons her? so how does she have information about where the mother was from and why she chose that neighborhood?

also, the first paragraph of this scene uses the word 'technically' twice, close together.

further, i think you're describing foster families, but you use the word adoption. i think infertility suggests a different motivation than rich people wanting to look good and i found this description vague and superficial. are these details important? i think this sort of generic description should take less space. if you're going to describe her past in detail, i think it should be more unique and interesting.

when you say 'she'd be so proud'- i'm unclear who you're referring to.

i was glad for the shift back to the present, thought it flowed better. i was disoriented by the description of her picking a birthday for her driver's license. it seems like the process would be more complicated.

these are just my own opinions. ignore any that aren't helpful. good luck.

LF40 review
This is an extremely interesting and fast paced story set in a world of which I know absolutely nothing. The MC is well drawn although there are some anomalies that I will talk about. I found Avery and Brayden rather shadowy, especially Avery. I have read all the chapters uploaded and have no idea what she looks like. Maybe I missed something, as I read but I don't remember any description of her. The story moves well from chapter to chapter but there are some startling back story moments that made me impatient to get back to the plot. Not necessarily a bad thing but I noticed it at the time.
As I read through the chapters I got an eerie feeling that this was a story written by two people. I say that because the style alters considerably and there is a lot of physical, almost biological description. I read to me like a work partly written by a medical student. For instance in chapter 7 you talk twice about 'eye socket', as though the person did not have an eye. In Chapter 10 when Viola is handcuffed in Kent's house you mention, in the midst of the drama, the injection into the 'median cubital vein'.In chapter 12 we have mention of 'the tailbone' 'the collar bone' 'the protruding bones on the underside of my jaw' and, during the horrific beating she wonders whether she has ' a concussion, a hematoma'. I just found this all too technical within the setting.
There were also some descriptions of physical contact between the couples that were so involved they had me reaching for a pencil so I could work out a diagram of what was going on.
In Chapter 12
Camden and Viola. 'Finally, I felt his hands fall on my wrists and climb towards my abdomen. I turned and met his eyes, but they hadn't changed. He pulled on the back of the couch until his elbows were at a ninety degree angle and he was hovering above me - just enough to be torturous. I leaned backwards to accommodate him and he pulled my waist up to meet his and kissed me. I melted into him. It was the most he had touched me in months. I pulled my body down and back onto the couch and he followed me but quickly lifted his face out of reach.'
Brayden and Avery. 'Avery was wrapped tightly around him - legs intertwined just above the foot of the bed. He pushed her spine with his palm, desperate to feel the press of her torso against his stomach. His elbows rested softly on her knees and his heart pulsed rapidly inches above hers.'
I am of an advanced age and maybe it is just me but I really couldn't visualise the action. I will understand if you disagree with this and indeed with any of my comments.
These are the main things that stood out for me as I read and took me briefly out of the story. This does not mean that I think the book is no good. Indeed I wouldn't have carefully read through 12 chapters if I thought it wasn't worth continuing. On the contrary there are some very good scenes, well written and some scary characters and situations very well described.
Short pitch: good.
Long pitch: Also good but maybe you could place the first paragraph at the end as the second paragraph would, in my opinion, be more attention grabbing.
Chapter 1
This is a good first chapter setting the scene vividly and giving some back story, seamlessly.
I liked 'As if I would infect them with poverty and a broken home.' and 'I was never what anyone was looking for.'
A couple of typos: 'It was a perfect compliment ' - complement.
'he had a sharp, stuble covered jaw.' - stubble.
I did find the conversation between Camden and Viola a bit unreal. It read a bit like an interview by a reporter wanting to find out more about drug dealing.
I also have a slight problem with Viola and the way she is portrayed here. This is a girl who has had a very damaged childhood, has run away from countless foster homes and lived rough on the streets, yet she doesn't realise that drug dealing is a dangerous occupation and is shocked when Camden gets injured. Maybe she is shocked because Camden never usually gets hurt but it didn't read like that to me. It was as though her reaction was that of a very naive young girl which I don't think she is. Just a thought.
Chapter 2
Extremely good chapter giving us a very clear view of how Viola lives but, more importantly, how she feels about herself, her friends and Camden. She really is lacking in self esteem and this colours just about everything she does. Well portrayed.
Just a couple of typos.
you use 'shuttered' twice instead of 'shuddered'
'Factory workers scrapping by - 'scraping'.
I liked 'I cannot imagine that perpetual disengagement is appealing to anyone.'
My favourite chapter.
Chapter 3
In this chapter she starts her sexual relationship with Camden. Again she seems strangely innocent for someone who has 'slept rough.' I liked the way you wrote the scene but her reaction nagged at me. I understand that she is not used to being close to people emotionally so maybe that was why she reacts as she does.
Chapter 4
Two new characters introduced at the start of the chapter. Intriguing. Not sure what's going on here.
I liked the scene on the beach showing the four friends relaxing together.
I found 'unsure how to handle her remorse; an emotion he had never seen her use before' a bit strange. Do we use emotions or experience them?
Chapter 5
Now they are getting into the big time and the pace of the story picks up.
When they are getting ready you write about Camden wearing a 'concubine'?
Should this be 'cummerbund'?
typo: 'course bile' - coarse?
I found 'behind the tiny bones of my neck' a bit confusing as it sounded to me like the back of the neck when actually it is her throat. A small point, I know but it took me out of the narrative while I pondered on it.
'tiny heels and eloquence'? I don't understand this. maybe 'elegance'?
The description of the gathering and her panic were extremely well drawn. it felt very claustrophobic. Then, suddenly, this sentence: 'The room was swirling around me with bits of laughter and perfume that occasionally made contact with my forehead creating tiny headaches above my eye orbital.' This really does not work for me. I don't think the word 'bits' is appropriate. Laughter and particularly perfume are things that waft around and are insubstantial. Maybe you could simply write ' The laughter and perfume in the room were giviing me a headache.' and of course, you know by now that I find 'eye orbital' too technical in this context.
Also 'The wind entered my ear canal.' again too technical for me.
Chapter 6
Back with An and Chao Xiang. I'm beginning to understand the link to the other characters.
I very much liked the scene and conversation in the car with her reprimand 'You're not Camden.' A few words but expressing many things.
This chapter has good, dramatic scenes in Kent's house and between Brayden and Camden.
Chapter 7
Back at the airport.
I would suggest changing 'An tried to hold Chao Xiang through his seizing' to 'through his seizure' but that's just my opinion.
Liked 'inner city confessional'!
Good interaction between Camden and Brayden but here we have the eye sockets!
Chapter 8
Avery's childhood. You really are a good writer. I found the dialogue between the parents utterly repugnant and chilling. What a pair to have for parents.
Chapter 9
Camden is searching for Viola and there are exciting and intense scenes. How clever to take him back to his old flat. Why was he sure it wasn't Viola? Was it because he thought it was his mother again?
Chapter 10
Here we learn more of Camden and what happened to him and how he was brought up by his mother. Heart breaking scene when he drags her back to the apartment.
Chapter 11
Very frightening scenes at Kent's house. Well described.
typos - 'half sarcasm, have tentative speculation' should be 'half' again.
'center counsel' (in the car) - console?
'tired heroin' - tried
Here again we have beautiful writing in 'hated himself into a fit of tears' Brilliant.
Chapter 12
A fast paced and extremely violent episode. The dialogue is realistic and natural. But again the scenes were marred for me by the following points.
All the technnical, physical description mentioned above.
'The horizontal line of my eyebrows broke and curled up in the middle.' ?
Duriing the beating (which is extremely vividly portrayed),she is wondering whether or not she has a concussion, a hematoma. I was not convinced by this at all. Also if both her arms are broken, could she fight back at all? Just a thought.
Wonderful paragraph where Camden 'sees' her for the first time and understands. Really good writing.
I know I have been very critical and hope you are not offended by my comments. They are, after all, just my observations as a reader. Ignore them at will. I am puzzled in the main by the fact that your writing swings from extremely good to something resembling a medical textbook. Genuinely confused.
The overall impression I take away with me as a reader is of an exciting, fast paced and nicely balanced book with well written dialogue and vivid scenes of violence and terror.
Maybe I should just have written that and binned the rest! But I seriously would like to see this book succeed which is why I have done such a long commentary on it.
Fontaine.

Hey!

This is brilliantly crafted. Your descriptions are powerful, leaving nothing out.
The narrator is well done, easy to follow.
It's easy to follow, but some of the dialogue seems to be a little unrealistic. Maybe try to introduce the background more fluently?

Anyway, well written and well done! :)

Hello , beautifully written with an authentic whiff of autobiography and a great sense of milieu - New Jersey , land of Bruce Springsteen , the Mob(are they still there?) , Atlantic City - that's exhausted my knowledge , I'm writing from the UK. Watchlisted and starred. i wonder if you would be able to read the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' ,which is an historical , adventure romance set in the 17th century and features Pirates ,lost love , the Great Plague of London , Sir Henry Morgan , Spanish Ladies and much more ,with best wishes from Strachan Gordon