Don't Talk To Me When I'm Pooping

This is really very witty work and well written other than a bunch of little grammar mistakes. (If you want me to point those out, you'd have to send me a bit of this via email in Word; it's too hard to do it via this interface -- knight_tour at hotmail.com). It's very funny, and even funnier due to the disparity between the childish actions of the boy versus the very adult manner in which his thoughts are presented.

Hello William,

I read your book tonight even though you once advised me against it. So as not to anger you I didn't read that much of it. Just the first chapter. Although, as that breaks down further into six of your dog year chapters, it occurs to me now that I have read more than I intended to.

I'll overlook it because I enjoyed what I read immensely, finding it to be hilarious in parts. The bit about "new milk" made me laugh the most, I don't know why really. Also, any detailing of toilet habits is always a vote-winner as far as I'm concerned. It didn't shock or repulse me. I was tipped off by the title.

I found the narrators' voice to be very strong. I liked the supercilious tone. That could have so easily been unsufferable were it not for the narrative going to great pains to humiliate him at every turn. There's an obvious debt to David Sedaris here, but being as you cite him as an influence in your bio I can't really call "Gotcha!" on that one.

I've been on a sabbatical from Authonomy and am now catching up with return reads. Some of the books I attempted to delve into tonight were so stuffed with everything I was starting to struggle. It was a refreshing change to get to yours and find it was a book about nothing much.

So, that's something.

Backed.

Dave

Welcome to my bookshelf!

There are a few punctuation problems, but they do not interfere with the telling of the story.

Your story makes me picture Stewie from Family Guy!

At the end of chapter 2 "if love potted meat" should be "if you love potted meat" I imagine. There are a few other places where words seem to be missing, but in every case so far I am able to understand the gist of the sentence.

I can't think of anything else to say except I am laughing all the way through it.

I read through chapter 3 before I stopped, and it wasn't because I wasn't enjoying the stories. I realized I want to read these out loud to someone, so I will come back when I find an audience.

Another biography. Oh lordy. The pages flew by. Then I got to the naked Father walking on the child scene. I held my breath. Waiting for the smart-ass four year old to get his comeuppance and be sodomized by a hairy dick. You had me fooled. Yep the funny voice was just a ruse for another sad tale about being abused by the wee-wee sister and ape father.

**Whew** Safe. A memoir that is actually entertaining and captivating. Well, good luck getting more people read it. Readers here prefer to read memoirs of buggered children and battered wives. It cleanses the tear ducts, apparently.

Your last chapter is the same as the first chapter. I suppose you did that to up the word count. Anyway I sincerely hope there is more of this. I'm serious when I say I enjoyed it... and I'm a bit bashful of the scatological humor.

I read your first Authonomy chapter four months ago. I read your second Authonomy chapter today.

General comments: Another hilarious chapter. Abundant fresh laugh-out-loud wit. Good set ups. Good pacing.

Specific comments on 5 - Mr. Stein:
1) "Okay Woman, let's get to the bottom of this." Comma after 'okay.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases of addressing someone, but not offsetting their name or title with commas.
2) 'She's one if them, ... ' 'If' should be 'of.'
3) ' ... or why they think its okay to slander me with it, ... ' Its (possessive pronoun) should be it's (contractions for it is). There is another case of this type of problem.
4) "Don't you sass me mister." Comma after 'me.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. Also, capitalize 'mister.' In this context, 'mister' is used as a person's name and should be capitalized.

Speciific comments on 7 - Hetrosexual:
1) ' ... without out her to clean up the mess, I'll have to find another way to entertain myself.' Delete 'out.'
2) "You'll break it." She screams ... Comma after 'it' and 'She' should be lowercase. 'She screams' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation) and the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name).
3) 'That at approximately 3 milliliters per ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where you need to spell out numbers.

I hope this critique helps you further polish this chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if it's worthy, keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a wonderful day.

Al

William,

This is too funny. Not since, yes, my God of humor David Sedaris, have I read anything that makes me laugh out loud. Oh, you must read Bedtime Stories for Kids you Hate on this site. There's a similar sensibility. Please check it out.

I will gladly give you six big stars for brightening my day!

All best,
Andi Brown
Animal Cracker (also good for a chuckle)

I liked part one and three, but found it hard to get into part two.
Gillian

I liked part one and three, but found it hard to get into part two.
Gillian

This book should not be read, anywhere, you might need to keep quiet. It`s just too funny! I have just got up to chapter four, and it certainly brings back memories, of a child`s view of the world ! You could say it`s inapprropriate to read it in certain situations ! : 0 ;>

Hello William
'Depends on what you mean by inappropriate'

pitch brilliant , real tongue in cheek stuff ; and makes one wonder what in gods
earth is to come.
And after reading along at a brisk pace with my breakfast in my mouth this morning ; i have
to say i found it a tonic.; just what the doctor ordered to brighten my day.
It's funny, smat and would make for the perfect holiday read, great stuff .It is really and entertaining feel - good
read and will do very well in this genre.
i notice that you have left the tags box empty, it would help to insert ' its a laught a minute'
or whatever you are having yourself'
good luck
six stars
tom bye ' f rom hugs to kisses'
please oblige and look at mine and obliged it you would comment / back
thanks

Hello William
'Depends on what you mean by inappropriate'

pitch brilliant , real tongue in cheek stuff ; and makes one wonder what in gods
earth is to come.
And after reading along at a brisk pace with my breakfast in my mouth this morning ; i have
to say i found it a tonic.; just what the doctor ordered to brighten my day.
It's funny, smat and would make for the perfect holiday read, great stuff .It is really and entertaining feel - good
read and will do very well in this genre.
i notice that you have left the tags box empty, it would help to insert ' its a laught a minute'
or whatever you are having yourself'
good luck
six stars
tom bye ' f rom hugs to kisses'
please oblige and look at mine and obliged it you would comment / back
thanks

Read the first three chapters and thought this was funny and full of truisms. Reminds me of my own time as a five year old in frightening detail. There are a few typo's but they don't detract from an excellent read. Rated generously and on my WL for further reading.

I see I'm not the only one who thinks this sounds like The Secret Diary of Stewie Griffin - gross, surreal and laugh-out-loud funny. I'll back it when a slot frees up on my shelf.

One small point - Spider-Man lives in New York City, not LA. Where else would he find all those skyscrapers to swing from? Though maybe you couldn't expect a seven-year-old in Arkansas to know that...

This reminds me almost as if Stewie Griffin wrote an autobiography about his life. I found it very funny and almost Seinfeld-esque in spots. The type of comedy about things that people never think about, and yet is so true. Very enjoyable.

I would echo some possible changes of grammar/spelling.

"The technology broadens my horizons, opening doors to culinary delicacies previously out of reach. So . . . I'm melting down some Jolly Ranchers in the microwave and eating them with a fork. You have to be careful or you'll burn your tongue, but if you wait too long then it gets hard again and you're right back where you started. A very narrow window of warm soft deliciousness lies between tongue scorching liquid and boring solid candy."

This made me laugh. Only boys have the courage and creativity to try something like that. By any chance was your microwave called an Amana Radar Range?

The writing style reminds me of Jean Shepherd's, and I think the story is funny and charming. I look forward to reading more.

J

Only had time for couple chapters but I got a feel of your voice and I like it. Would suggest some editing and grammar checks. With your talent for telling stories it would be a shame for an agent to turn it down for editing.
Good luck
Dan

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A hilarious start. An observant, engaging main character. Non-stop laughing out loud wit. Good descriptions. Atmospheric. Not a lot of tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) ' ... my parents and their friends, in their mid-30's, are at ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases of needing to spell out numbers 1-99.
2) 'Once again, wearing nothing but last years Fruit of the Looms, ... ' Years (plural) should be year's (possessive). Same thing with ' ... colder than the reception I received at last nights soiree ... ' Nights (plural) should be night's (possessive).
3) ' ... the damn kitchen linoleum at 6 AM on this January morn.' '6 AM' should be '6 a.m.' or, better yet 'six a.m.'
4) ... and all I could thank to say is "No Mommie no, no diaper." 'Thank' should be 'think.'
5) "What's the big deal?" Someone said recently ... 'Someone' should be lowercase.
6) ' ... and the 700 club.' 'Club' should be capitalized.
7) 'It's a hefty dell, circa 2008 ... ' Capitalize 'dell.'
8) But, I regained my composure, found my grace and told her. "I don't have Mommy issues, ..." Comma after 'her.'

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a fabulous day.

Al

Hardly my choice of story, but it's easy to tell that you are a skillful writer,
Best of luck, Marj.

Like everyone so far, William, I enjoyed your first chapter very much. A very distinctive and probably commercial voice. Reminded me of some of ‘Me Talk Pretty Some Day’. Your pitch says it is a ‘satirical childhood memoir’, so I wondered why chapter XX (aged 42) was included. Can see this is a work in progress as Chap 4 is not finished (there are people who get beyond chap 3 if the work is interesting enough!) and chap 5 is chap 1 repeated. Hope you find time to write more and edit what you have done so far, as this has a lot of potential. You might need to get a move on as you climb up this pole to the ed’s desk faster than you thought. A title like yours will attract a lot of attention.
Happy to put on my shelf for a few days. Good luck,
John

I started your book this afternoon. It's very fun stuff. Be careful with your possessive esses (e.g., parents' rather than parent's). There are also some careless typos throughout where I suspect you edited a sentence but didn't quite finish the job. Notwithstanding, the voice is bugie. Just kidding; the voice is great.

Plop, plop. Unmistakable.

Really funny. What an odd little chap your mc is....highly original. Good luck with it.

Excellent, hillarious love it. Get it published I need it on my 'proper' bookshelf!

Same pink tutu, very different story (Thank goodness!!) . Really enjoying it so far! :)

This is nuts! Oh, hang on ... can I say "nuts" in this context??? I should be working on my own stuff, not wallowing in a giggle-fit ... Sorry, it's so off-the-wall ... I couldn't stop reading once I started ... Will plop it on my shelf soon ...

This is something I would definitely buy. Had me laughing out loud. My thirteen year old son was chuckling at the scene in the church parking lot. Very, very clever stuff. The adoption argument was hilarious. Finished chapter one and can only find minor grammatical and punctuation issues. I found it very entertaining and humorous.

Best of luck - will gladly back this when my shelf clears out.
Vickie (Barely a Trace)

I'm supposed to be writing, but instead I am giggling over the antics in your book. It's hilarious, the voice carries through nicely, pulls the reader into the world of the MC and leads you on a little discovery of the world through the jaded eyes of a child.

I completely get the milk thing - I can't drink milk - it reeks, even if it's fresh.

I will be backing this as soon as I have space on my shelf. I will also be reading more since it had proved to be a worthwhile distraction.

Jenny

William

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

This is a very funny and original. To take the perspective of a four year old and make it work, that is hard

And what makes it work is:

The confetti of opinions your central character throws for, it creates an emotional map

The endearing moments (i.e. the vomit scene) that remind the reader that even though this is a very articulate four years old, his mind is that of one,

and

The constant description of place and character from his perspective

all of that adds up to a very original piece of work

My only suggestion would be for you to reduce the line spacing for, the slow down the plot. And this gets funiier and funnier, the faster it moves

David

This is hilarous. Please, write more of it. Yes, I did read to the end : ) and I would have purchased it and then kept reading had I found it in a book store. I do tend to like quirky things and there are many things I could relate to in your story, but I think this has the potential for wide appeal. I'd encourage you to at least try to get what you've written published as a short story if you chose to not continue with this. Good luck with it and please message me if you upload more chapters.

DON'T TALK TO ME WHEN - Some laugh out loud moments in this first chapter. This is clearly a work in progress, and I think that first chapter, as funny as it is, is rather meandering at times, but I am sure you will tighten it up. A wise talking four year old, shouldn't work, but it does. Loved the stuff about nicknames and adoption and food issues - I think there is much the reader will relate to in this and I would love to see the finished MS. Will shelve this in a couple of days. Juliet

Dear William,
I think your story is charming, Funny, and although i'm Canadian, i still love it. You said Canadians wouldn't like your story but as far as i'm concerned, "Please download some more because i'd love to read it!).
Loved what i read and will put on my WL because there's no room on my shelf at the moment. As soon as there's room, you're there:). Meanwhile i have given it ******.
Maria x

Oh, my. Good heavens! What an idea. Hahahahahahah! And what a relief this book is after weeding through untold number of wizards and vampires. I cannot tell you how weary I am of all that business. Thank you for uploading this here. My brother, John Campbell, pointed me in your direction. After I dab my tearing eyes, I shall sprinkle you with some well-earned stars, dear.
Bea

Well it took me back I remember all of the silly names we were given and expecting everyone else in the world to know that snookies were bogies and naturally a Poo was a number 2 hence i giggled through infants and spent a lot of time standing in the corner for my dirty mind.
Great wriers voice and written in small bites its a great way to keep ones attention. Best of luck
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley

You are a poppet.
For the squiggly bits, you don't need a possessive ' in 60s or was it 70s? That was a hard habit for me to break. And believe me, my grammar is pretty shaky.
The title put me off, but the delivery is fast enough to put me on again. A natural comic. Vaguely reminded of a writer called Frank O' Conner: My Oedipus Complex. That sort of ingenuous approach to things willy and anal.
Very likeable, and have rated it.
Am new to here myself so still not certain how things work, but hope you whizz up the charts, if that's what you want.
See you soon.

Billie

Hi,
My uncle, John Campbell told me to check out your book. Funny. Cool.
Caleb

This is hilarious - I love your narrative voice as it carries me from one page to the next. Compelling comedy?? I guess I can call it that - a whole new genre of its own. Shelved for sure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

What a wonderful way to wake up, a cup of coffee and reading Don't Talk to Me When I'm Pooping. It's very charming. Your style is appealing. My cheeks (facial) ache from grinning for so long. I laughed out loud once so far. In the bugie discussion, during the blame game, you just need to insert the word: of. Papa, the wonderful man with waves (of) greasy black hair.
I see that my nephew and his family were on the site to read your book last night. I'll encourage one of them to comment soon. And I'll come back for more.
Cheers!
John B Campbell