Divine Grace

Hi Elin

I was feeling in the mood for a bit more of Grace and I saw a comment you posted saying that you were going to self-publish.

If you have everything already worked out with that, then please feel to smile prettily and ignore me, but I've been thinking for a little while that it might be a good idea to set up a kind of collective of writers to work together to a) help and support each other and b) develop something of a "brand". It's an idea that takes a little longer to explain than I can do here but if you're even remotely interested, please drop me a line at the email address on my profile.

I'm not just talking about moral support, btw, but proof-reading, editing, art work, the whole nine yards. Or maybe seven and a half.

I'm kinda envisaging a Kick Ass Chick Press kinda thang, which is why I'm asking you :)

Good luck!

Evie

Wow! Here's a girl who goes for it! Love the ballsy style and the juxtaposition of opposite images - petite yet beats up three men/successful business woman sh*gging the window cleaner! Only comment would be that she might be a little bit too strong for a softer audience but what the hell? I liked it. 4 star rated. Regards, Kerry M (Her Soul To Keep)

Your pitch drew me in and i'm glad it did. It was a great read and I hope it goes far.
Leslie
"Love has no borders"

Divine Grace
Fiction, Chick Lit 3rd Person

This is a polished, professional, gripping novel. Completely worthy of the ED! Nice job!

My only suggestion, I think the back and forth dialog in the first Chapter goes a little too far. I started skipping over some of it as I grew weary of the ping-pong effect.

But your characters, plot, style are all compelling. Wish I wrote as well!

Raechel
Echo

Thank you. I sincerely hope I do.

x

Elin,

Good job with the writing. I'm sure you'll go far.

All the best

P. Uffin

Thank you, Danny. That's very sweet of you.

Just to let you know I Authonomy-peaked a week or so ago and am now on the gentle and highly relaxing down-slope back to obscurity. So please don't bother to waste a precious bookshelf place for my frivolous scratchings. I'll be sticking the bitch on Kindle some time in the next month or so (Dearest Shubie keeps pushing me to do it) and then we'll see if people are prepared to pay 79p for a read. That will tell me a lot more than a snooty editor trashing on here.

Thanks again anyway (love the hat btw)

Elin

Hi Elin,

Shubie recommended your book and who am I to argue with the great Inca Trail explorer? I don't delve into the mechanics of a persons work, there are people on this site who are genius at that sort of thing. I just read and if I like what I read I tell the author.

So far I've only read a couple of chapters, enough to put "Divine Grace" on my WL. I like your style and characterisation. The pace is excellent and I'm sure that chapter three and beyond will not disappoint me.

Phil.

Hi Elin,

Shubie recommended your book and who am I to argue with the great Inca Trail explorer? I don't delve into the mechanics of a persons work, there are people on this site who are genius at that sort of thing. I just read and if I like what I read I tell the author.

So far I've only read a couple of chapters, enough to put "Divine Grace" on my WL. I like your style and characterisation. The pace is excellent and I'm sure that chapter three and beyond will not disappoint me.

Phil.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A gripping start to what is sure to be an entertaining story. A fiesty main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Excellent opening line.
2) 'Sharp suit, well groomed, expensive cologne but no manner and ... ' When you mention 'cologne,' consider characterizing it. It it floral? Pine? Musky? Oriental? Spicy? When you characterize an aroma it pulls the reader deeper into the scene.
3) "We're supposed to be having a girls night out ... " Girls (plural) should be girls' (plural possessive).
4) Start a new paragrapg with the sentence that starts 'Grace looked straight back at him, ... ' Start a new paragraph each time you shift focus to a different character.
5) 'Twenty seven years old, five feet five and an easy size eight ... ' Hyphenate 'twenty seven' and 'five feet five.'
6) " ... Worthwhile? Politics? Like bollocks!!" No need to use two exclamation marks. Using two exclamation marks is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with two exclamation marks. You don't want that.
7) "Time for dancing, then." said Penny. Comma after 'then.'
8) 'Penny clasped her massive, over-sized handbag to her chest.' 'Massive' is redundant to 'over-sized.' Use one of the words, but not both.
9) "I told you you'd gone too far in pub", hissed Penny. Insert 'the' before 'pub' and move the comma inside the closing quote mark.
10) 'Grace could feel her heart thumping nervously inside her chest.' Try to avoid using the word 'feel.' Just describe the feeling so the reader can experience the feeling along with Grace. When you do this, 'Grace could feel' is implied. There are more cases of this type of problem.
11) 'Grace could smell the beer on his breath.' Try to avoid using the verb 'smell.' Just describe what Grace smells. When you do that, 'Grace could smell' is implied.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a spectacular day.

Al

Elin,

Good job with the writing. I'm sure you'll go far.

All the best

P. Uffin

Thank you for taking the time - and you are very right about what you say. When I started it I never expected to to attract the attention it has and I was somewhat slap-dash in my approach. Yes, that is a pure excuse. I will go back and treat it with some tender love and care. Thanks again, Elin.

I love Grace. I've just read six or seven chapters and will definitely return for more. I could actually see a TV series here :)

I think I saw you say you wrote this in three weeks. If so, it's exceptionally good. However, it needs a good solid edit/rewrite to fix typos, occasional stray commas, and the like. For example: “ called her the Ice Queen as first, "Weak, Sunday morning sunlight". I also think - and as always this could say more about me than Grace - that there are opportunities to be more economical with your writing.

Finally, would the Home Secretary really let it be known he writes soft porn?

I love Grace. I've just read six or seven chapters and will definitely return for more. I could actually see a TV series here :)

I think I saw you say you wrote this in three weeks. If so, it's exceptionally good. However, it needs a good solid edit/rewrite to fix typos, occasional stray commas, and the like. For example: “ called her the Ice Queen as first, "Weak, Sunday morning sunlight". I also think - and as always this could say more about me than Grace - that there are opportunities to be more economical with your writing.

Finally, would the Home Secretary really let it be known he writes soft porn?

Thanks for your backing Erin. I've added this to my ever growing W/L, I like my chick-lit with a bit of punch

This is brilliant. I love your sassy protagonist and the opening made me giggle! I'm more than happy to back and I hope you have a lot of success with this. Best wishes, Emily (Traps and Topaz)

This is definitely my kind of book - reminded me of True Romance (the film). Actually I only read the first chapter as I'm at work (should really be working, but this was so much more exciting), but it's on my WL to read later. I'd back it if my shelf wasn't full - I will do as soon as I can. You're really bloody talented and actually I'm massively jealous. I wish you huge success with this - and to your friend who advised you to write a commercial book? What great advice, you're a natural. Please get it published so I can read it on holiday!

Probably should say some useful things about it. The dialogue is sharp and punchy. Grace is very likeable although having only read the first chapter I'm not sure where her job comes in to this aside from making it clear she has some money and some issues with her Dad. Teeny tiny detail but how did she have time to get the tweezers from her bag 'the size of a labradour'? Sorry for being a pedant, maybe I've just had too many pedantic comments on my book. Good luck!

You MC is right out there. I think that you have done a great job with this, you keep a good quick pace and a story that makes a reader want to turn the page. Well done.
Sue

Thank you so much. I am honoured by your backing.

BTW - Shubes has been a great inspiration to me and pushes me harder than I am used to.

Elin, Shubie asked me to take a look at your book - she has excellent choice! I see you've had some very helpful advice so far, all of it useful, and your book will benefit from exposure to this site - I know mine did. I like youur style very much, perfectly suited to this genre, and a chick lit / thriller combination is enticing. Good luck with this, you're on my shelf.
Jake

Thank you so very much for taking the time to review in such detail. It is all helpful and will be worked.
To be honest, I wrote this in 3 weeks and probably should have spent a lot more time editing and checking before I posted it here. Another lesson learnt.

I take your point on ageism - I meant it more as a state of mind than an accumulation of years. Some of the youngest people I know are in their 60's and some of the oldest barely 20. But my written statements need to be clearer on that count. I promise to try harder.

Thanks again.

Elin

I really liked this first chapter: Great lead, strong characterisations, mostly good dialogue and plenty of action. The depiction of the obnoxious predatory men spot on. You could have a unique voice here, a kind of female 21st C Spillane. Which many readers today would lap up. But then you know all that. Here, for what it’s worth, some other observations you might want to think about…

- the dialogue between G and P sometimes has an ‘as you know Bob’ quality, ie. you’re using their speech to tell the reader stuff you want them to know, but forsaking authentic conversation.
- it’s overwritten in many places, including the important first para. No need for the pluperfect: ‘Grace discovered…’ ‘When she held…’ Also you’re backing away from your obvious skill by adding conversational infills to your narrative. Spit it out and stop being so insecure! ‘He paid more attention…’ Crisp muscular prose. Fuck the ‘tend to’ and the ‘a lot’. Later, ‘massive over-sized hand-bag…’ and ‘incredibly long legs…’ Cut, cut…!
- 1st ch. no place to introduce backstory. Paras beginning ‘Grace grinned…’ and ‘Penny knew…’ delete, or hand the info over more surreptitiously a few ch’s on.
- a few unnecessary dialogue tags. ‘Her cultured middle England accent…’ Who’s the narrator here? You the author or Grace? And do we need to know at this precise moment?

If you cut that first ch by half, your readers will be breathless, but gasping for more.

I noticed on a recent post of yours that you dismissed more than one of your critics for being old. Despite my pic, I too am heading that way. Being old neither qualifies you for, nor disqualifies you from, saying something sensible. If you want your readers to embrace your obvious and honourable non-sexist stance, you might consider abandoning your ageist one.

Good luck with it. :)

Pete

Elin, Shubie asked me to take a look at your book - she has excellent choice! I see you've had some very helpful advice so far, all of it useful, and your book will benefit from exposure to this site - I know mine did. I like youur style very much, perfectly suited to this genre, and a chick lit / thriller combination is enticing. Good luck with this, you're on my shelf.
Jake

I really liked this first chapter: Great lead, strong characterisations, mostly good dialogue and plenty of action. The depiction of the obnoxious predatory men spot on. You could have a unique voice here, a kind of female 21st C Spillane. Which many readers today would lap up. But then you know all that. Here, for what it’s worth, some other observations you might want to think about…

- the dialogue between G and P sometimes has an ‘as you know Bob’ quality, ie. you’re using their speech to tell the reader stuff you want them to know, but forsaking authentic conversation.
- it’s overwritten in many places, including the important first para. No need for the pluperfect: ‘Grace discovered…’ ‘When she held…’ Also you’re backing away from your obvious skill by adding conversational infills to your narrative. Spit it out and stop being so insecure! ‘He paid more attention…’ Crisp muscular prose. Fuck the ‘tend to’ and the ‘a lot’. Later, ‘massive over-sized hand-bag…’ and ‘incredibly long legs…’ Cut, cut…!
- 1st ch. no place to introduce backstory. Paras beginning ‘Grace grinned…’ and ‘Penny knew…’ delete, or hand the info over more surreptitiously a few ch’s on.
- a few unnecessary dialogue tags. ‘Her cultured middle England accent…’ Who’s the narrator here? You the author or Grace? And do we need to know at this precise moment?

If you cut that first ch by half, your readers will be breathless, but gasping for more.

I noticed on a recent post of yours that you dismissed more than one of your critics for being old. Despite my pic, I too am heading that way. Being old neither qualifies you for, nor disqualifies you from, saying something sensible. If you want your readers to embrace your obvious and honourable non-sexist stance, you might consider abandoning your ageist one.

Good luck with it. :)

Pete

Thank you Elin.

I read the whole of this and took the time to try an be helpful, so I guess you can work out what I thought of it . . .

As a work, I have very few criticisms. I have to confess that this is not the sort of book I would normally read, but I thought it compared well with Devil May Care, and Faulks is kinda well known.

The one thing that did come through, particularly early on, was that I would like some sort of sensual hook, or hooks, whether it is food or shoes or handbags or really good coffee, or a beautiful Burmese or a penchant for wearing silk or an appreciation of fine chocolate . . . I don't know if this makes sense to you, but there seemed to be an unfulfilled appeal to my senses as I read, which could be met by a little vicarious--indeed imaginary--gratification. I think this was because the erotic is lurking largely unspoken in the background and a little jolt of something else would help fill the hole, as it were. I noticed this far less as the action hotted up, but it might be nice for Grace to have a craving or need which can be bothering her inappropriately when she is being held captive.

Possibly signal more emphatically that the floridity of her father speaking is humorous -- "Intoxicated by the exuberance of his own verbosity" and all that, by making it a little more extreme? It might slip past people who don't do irony . . .

Typos

Chapter 6:

The drive home seemed interminably long. It was less than an hour but seemed to take an(d) eternity.

Chapter 7:

...insisting that canned foods were good all for (for all?) eternity...

In the en-suite, toothbrush and toothpaste where (were) absent...

Also, I don't think make-ups needs the 's' and there is an extraneous apostrophe before I'm.

Chapter 8:

It was almost as if they didn't want (to) anybody to know they were there.

Chapter 13:

...she was one (once) again absolutely certain that Penny had been kidnapped.

"And her?" asked Penny (Grace), pointing at the photograph...

Chapter 15:

...hair that cascaded from a bald crown down (to?) just touch his shoulders.

but, sadly, too often it (?) for even darker purposes.

Chapter 19:

...but, even at (a / this?) distance, Grace could tell from their body shape

Chapter 21:

"So you're going to phone him and send his (him) the photos, right?"

Chapter 23:

At least that in itself was a small slither (sliver) of good news.

The forth (fourth) wall, shared with the back of the main house...

Chapter 26:

Maybe it was the bang from the head-but (head-butt)

Chapter 29:

Grace had once (one) chance. She took it.

Chapter 30:

No luck, but (a) tiny motor scooter...

Epilogue:

Those seventy two, (don't need comma, seventy-two?)

Well, this is a really good first chapter. Definitely grabs the reader by the balls - pun fully intended :) Grace is a great character, feisty and a heroine that knows how to protect herself and her friend. Although, she isn't perfect. The dark alley short cut not exactly a bright idea :) But at least things worked out. I have a similiar concept for my first chapter, with the attacking males, but your ending was definitely a nicer outcome.

Your use of language and sentence structure was well done, as was your dialogue. Everything flowed well, with nothing to criticise. This is nicely polished. I will continue onto chapter 2 when I get some more time as this is definitely a story to watch. All the best - Marita.

This is such a good book.
Read the whole bleedin' lot. Couldn't put it down.
It has great characters you warm to, even better baddies you'll love to hate, a heroine with a great right hook. It has pace, excitement and energy. Most importantly it has love interest (I am woman, what can I say) mixed in with the thrills and spills.
Jealous as hell......

Thank you and good point re "reminded". Duly changed.

Elin

Read your pitch and chapter one of your book.
You have a light, pacy writing style which makes for realaxed reading.
Not sure about Grace reminded watchers of a confident lioness. The word reminded does not seem to fit in.
That is, of course, a personal opinion.
I'm backing it and it will be on my shelf for a spell, when I may get the opportunity to read more.
Grace sounds a a great character. You should do well with the book.
All the best.

Senyah Nala

Elin

Read your pitch and chapter one of your book.
You have a light, pacy writing style which makes for realaxed reading.
Not sure about Grace reminded watchers of a confident lioness. The word reminded does not seem to fit in.
That is, of course, a personal opinion.
I'm backing it and it will be on my shelf for a spell, when I may get the opportunity to read more.
Grace sounds a a great character. You should do well with the book.
All the best.

Senyah Nala

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it :)