Dragons of the Western Tides

Rebecca,
I discovered this on a forum thread completely by accident and looked at it because it was set in the Mourne Mountains (I like the song). Saw it was YA, about Vikings and pitched in. Why haven’t I seen this before? I was hooked from the start. The writing is smooth and without hitches, you bring the reader straight into the household and the family relationships, the tragedy of losing a father and watching your mother falling apart. In just a few paragraphs you have sketched out a convincing family portrait.
And that is without even getting into the body of the story.

Snorri is a real live Viking boy. When he belched I realised that kids never belch in stories and how much a part of their table manners belching is.
The transition from Ryan’s encounter with Snorri, to Snorri mulling over the same encounter is seamless. No daft accents and stilted sentence structure, just plain teenage boys’ thoughts.

I’ve only read three chapters so far but will read more. This is excellent writing, among the best I’ve read in YA. The characterisation is particularly good, no clichés, just very realistic, natural brother and sister dialogues. Mum doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t have to for it to be clear that she is suffering. Great stuff.
I’ll put this on my watchlist and hope to find a place on my shelf next time I shuffle round. Six stars for now, and best of luck.
Jane

Wormholes
The Dark Citadel (both YA fantasy)

Rebecca,

You have written a really wonderful book. You are especially gifted in creating very real dialogue and sibling interactions - highly tuned in to the underlying mood of things. I have a nineteen year old daughter and seventeen and a fourteen year old sons. Kim and Ryan sound just like them!

I just made comments as I read. I hope they make sense. The suggestions are strictly opinion, so please take them as such.

You do a great job using the different literary devises to enhance the imagery and feelings going on within your scenes. For example:

“but the atmosphere was like a lift full of strangers.”
“second-mother mode”
“slobbing in bed” Such wonderful word choices. They say so much!

Typo - It’s a horrible job. I don’t know how she stuck (with) it for all those years.”

Just some opinions. I wonder if you could make the transition between Ryan at home and Ryan on his bike smoother. Like maybe him thinking he has to get away for awhile or something. It just seemed the shift in scenes was a little deliberate.

Here’s another opinion. Take it or leave it. I’m wondering if you could give the reader some perspective on how far the cave was from where Ryan was setting? You said he was gazing out across the valley. The only mountains I know are the vast Rocky Mountain range and the Smoky Mountains in the U.S,) so I’m picturing this wide endless panorama of rocky peaks and valleys. I was surprised that Ryan could actually see the boy’s hair color and his actions. So he must be closer than what I envisioned.

Chapter two -

“We drove into the little mountain car park.” Maybe try a different adjective here. It sounds like “little mountains”

You give great perspective of the surroundings in chapter two. But I was a little surprised by the presence of grass. I was envisioning a rocky landscape.

I love this: “The gesture implied he was proud for some reason. I wouldn’t have admitted to a name like that.”

“A feather floated into my mouth.” This really puts the reader in the scene. I can feel the fuzzy intrusion.

I love Snorri’s perspective! “Shiny winged monsters that growled across the sky and left a white line behind them…”

Chapter three - Ryan’s mom’s breakdown is pretty scary. Once again, I couldn’t quite envision the cupboard she was in though. Maybe a little more explanation.

The trip through the tunnel and into the 10th century was quite imaginative. And Magnus - his inner thoughts and toleration of his in-laws adds a bit of mystery to the plot.

Rebecca, you have totally captured my imagination and my enthusiasm for your work. I’m highly impressed. This is a book I love and I know my kids would love it as well. Oh, if only I were an agent…
Six Stars and a promised backing.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Oddly enough, when I was about 15, I wrote a story about a young boy who accompanies his newly divorced, archeologist father to Egypt and falls though a "magical" portal into a Tolkienesque sort of world of elves, dwarves and the like. So, needless to say, after reading the description of your book, I was having all sorts of flashbacks to junior high! But, my misty-eyed trip down memory lane aside, I really love this story and your writing style. I've always liked this sort of "fish out of water" via time travel/quantum leap scenario and, when you add the very well thought out characters and their own conflicts, you have the basis for a really compelling narrative.

I took my 8 year old twins to see Journey 2 the Mysterious Island this weekend and I would much rather see Dragons of the Western Tide on the big screen than the cliched, stereotypical teen angst that we so often get. This is good story telling! Love it!

I am loving this story. I feel the young teens angst right from the start. Your writing is excellent...as nothing slows me down from enjoying the story. I have put you on my book shelve and will continue to read this story. I so wish I could download you onto my Kindle already!

A good story so far. I am so curious where the boys father is and what will happen to mum. My interest is piqued and I will read more later. Nice job.

My Boys Daddy

Hi there,
Just stopped by to take a look at your story...WOW...great storytelling. I am very impressed with your mastery of words, friend. Highly starred....I have 10 books I am rotating on a permanent rotation, or I would shelve this. Good work, and best of luck! Sincerely, Ruby

Hi Rebecca,
Just had to drag myself away after 3 chapters. Wonderful storytelling. First chapter grabs the interest immediately and each chapter leaves you wanting more. Superb plot. I will be putting you on my bookshelf in the next few days. Can I just point out that there is the odd grammatical error that needs addressing.
for example - There is a sentence where you say 'ME and Kim'. To make sure that 'me' is correct, just try saying the same sentence with out 'Kim' in it and you will soon see whether it should be 'me' or 'I'. Hope you don't mind me mentioning it.- Carole

Excellent first chapter. The dialogue draws the reader in straightaway. I was impresed with the way you introduced the plot and also gave flashbacks in the interaction between Ryan and Kim. There was so much pathos in this chapter, I could feel the wretchedness of their grief.

Then the twist and the boy in the cave. Leaving the reader with a hook.Love stories about Ireland. I shall be back for more.
Really captivating. Backed with pleasure.

This is a truly excellent story.
It flows from the page and the MC's voice is strong and well defined.
The narrative prose is very good. It made me ralise that one shouldn't try too hard with descriptive prose since narrative prose is the main element of any good page-turning story, like this one.
I will say, I didn't like the head hopping. I would have preferred to stay in the MC's head only and pursue the story from his point of view. It pulls the reader out of the story every time you change POV.
That said, this is a super story and I'm sure boys of this age -10-15?? will enjoy this.
Well done.
Backed.

Hey, great idea for a book.
Great work on this book.
Really like your characters!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Dear Rebecca,

I love everything about this amazing book! I sat down to read just a few chapters, but I was compelled to read all nine. Your writing style is just perfect. Ryan's point of view is powerful and real! The themes of family, sibling issues, mental illness, and grief provide a deep foundation for the intriguing elements explored in the Viking world. I loved The Feast chapter... it captured so much of family togetherness (even the burping!) :) You have done a marvelous job weaving the historical details of such a long-ago time period... "the wooly pants", "Ry-an," sleeping under the little benches, the horses, the farming, the ships. The pacing is perfect, and you tie in Ryan's real life with his adventures as if they are one in the same. For example, when Ryan said: "I wasn't very good with family arguments," my mind effortlessly flipped to his own family struggles. As a former middle grade teacher, I would love to have had this book in my hands when teaching. For now, though, I would love to have it in the hands of my own middle grade daughter, as well as on our family bookshelf!

It is perfect. It really is! Six stars and shelving soon. You must tell me when the end is posted... I'm not sure I can wait! :)

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

DRAGONS OF THE WESTERN TIDES
Rebecca McMath

I am enchanted with the wonder of your imagination. This novel could well be for any age of Human who loves Fantasy. But this is more than that. The fascinating culture of the Viking settlement where Ryan finds himself is so well built that it seems very real. That atmosphere is made more interesting to learn that a timeslip has occurred. History and the past have always held a fascination for me. This story does not fall short when it comes to a setting so complete that as the conversations of your characters play on this stage you have created, it all feels right.

I believe you have a winner here depending on whether you can sustain the story into a complete novel. That is always the challenge. It is fairly within the capability of a writer to get an idea for a novel and start out on the journey. Bringing it to a satisfactory conclusion is work that does not come so easy. I know this because I have worked on a few novels for a long time before I felt that I had a true beginning, middle and end.

I suspect your book will get there brilliantly. You have suggested in your pitch what might take place. How you do it is the thing. I would love to read more. When I enjoy reading it is so jarring to have to stop and not know what may come next.

I am backing Dragons of The Western Tides, it has a great title, characters you can love or hate, and a story line that entertains so well. I wish you the best.

Sincerely,
Mary Enck
A King in Time

Hi Rebecca,

In response to your post on my thread i am very keen on children's literature being a YA author myself! I thought this was well written and perfect for young teens, with good description and nice historical references to educate as well as entertain. I enjoyed the progression of the story too, to give us an insight into a Viking world - interesting time period, not widely used! All in all really enjoyed it - and I'm an adult! If you'd like to take a look at the first few chapters of mine I'd really appreciate it. Watchlisted!

http://www.authonomy.com/books/31573/finding-my-feet-part-one-/

Alex
F.M.F.

Hi, I have just backed your book. Perhaps you could return the favour and back mine, Penrose - Princess of Penrith. If you do, many thanks. Best wishes, John

It's sort of like a "Back to the Future" type of story, a-la-Vikings :-)
I love it. Had to back it.
Cheers
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

Hi Rebecca,

Chapter 2 is even more captivating than the first! Your readers will defianately be hooked, if they weren't already. You keep the story moving along quite interestingly. Your protagonist is still very likeable and believable, easy to relate to. Have you considered putting his thoughts in italics? The only error that I caught was a missed comma after the word "So" in one sentence. Nothing major. Other than that, it's perfect! I wish you the best of luck with this. If I get a chance I'll definately be back to read more. Highly rated :D

God Bless,
Trista Herring-Baughman
The Magic Telescope and other stories

Hello Rebecca,

This is well written for an audience of varied ages. You have clearly defined the voices of your characters to give them depth and individuality which makes it easier to identify and relate to them. I've only just finished the first three chapters and I'm looking forward to reading more.

Arlene

Hello Rebecca,
First person limits you severely. The way you’ve used it is even worse. I just settled into being a boy of 14, then I was a frustrated thug, then boy, girl, boy, thug, etc. In the end I felt like a eunuch with multiple personalities.
Ch.2
“Here Ryan, take Mum up her tea.” Doesn’t sound right
Ch.7
“I wish her and Fadir wouldn’t protect..” should be ‘she’ not ‘her’.
There were a few more mistakes but I forgot to note them.
I find it difficult to rate and comment on an incomplete work. Story development, plot and a host of other aspects cannot be evaluated. I’ve no way of knowing if you tied up all the loose ends by the end of the book. What I did see shows a lot of promise. I loved the way you did the time-travel concept but felt that the transition from one time to the next was lacking detail.
The question of language is ignored and this undermines the credibility of the story. The old Norsemen that settled in Ireland probably spoke Gaelic as well as their own language but they and the Irish did not speak English at the time. Ryan could well have learnt Gaelic at school. Maybe not strictly true at Kilkeel but definitely so on the west coast at places like Kilkee in the Republic of Ireland.
Beyond that, I loved the way you write. Your characterisation and the descriptions of the Viking way of life were a delight to read.
I also thought that you could have touched on Ryan missing the comforts of central heating, thermal underwear, computer games, etc.
I hope that you will rate and comment on one or more of my books – ‘River God’ is set in Ireland around 1000AD.
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)

I've only read up to chapter three but I will definitely have to read the rest! Ryan is s great character, and his interaction with his family feels real and the dymanic interesting. I have been really drawn in, and I like the gradual uncovering of Snorri and his world. However, the part that is not written from Ryan's perspective, especially the end of chapter three reads a bit false to me, although I am being a bit picky. Some of the language used doesnt match with the idea that these are Vikings, and with the way Snorri talks so simply to Ryan - words like 'in laws' and 'so fake'. Also, Ryan's sudden decision to leave his sister and mother behind doesn't seem to have strong motivation behind it - althiughhe has fought with his sister, he seems to care alot about his family and condemns his mother for leaving them. Otherwise, fantastical so far and can't wait to read some more!

Ryan`s characterization grabbed me into reading it. But then I realized how the story transforms itself into a great fantasy adventure.

I would come back with any constructive comments after reading the complete story but I guess I agree with ardblair in her suggestions.

You might want to establish where the story is going to eliminate any unwanted surprises.

I loved your other book Shadowlands immensely as well.
I am going to buy them straight away if they are published, I guess :).

Compliments:
I really liked Shadowlands so I expected to like this one, I wasn't disappointed.

I think this is a very well developed story; it starts straight with a bang and deals with the very difficult issues of bereavement and mental health issues very sensitively, but more importantly from the perspective of a teenager. The reaction of his schoolmates is captured briefly but painfully accurately.

I did like the interplay between the characters which was very believable and felt genuine sorrow for the mother.
As always your chapters end on a high leading the reader to want more.

Constructive comments:
I struggled with the cover slightly, it didn't, for me, hint at the story and the short pitch lacked the draw you manage so well for the end of your chapters. I'm sure Bradley Wind will be able to suggest something amazing that will really help sell a great story. As for the short pitch, I'm a biog writer and have no imagination whatsoever but something along the lines of 'After the loss of his father, fourteen year old Ryan makes a life changing discovery in a cave which leads him back in time and on a journey of discovery to find the secrets of his missing father'. I'm sure you can make a better job of that.

I know how well you capture cave scenes from reading Shadowlands, and for me, the journey through the tunnel was too short. The time travel element is the 'secret' and I felt you could have expanded on this more and tantalised the reader with what was at the end (incidentally, I purposefully did not read your short or long pitch before reading your book so the time travel element came as a genuine surprise to me). Your cave scenes from Shadowlands are amazing, we need more here !

The dialogue between Trygve, Arne and Magnus contains too much modern language eg 'totally unconscious' – I subconsciously heard that in my head with a Bill and Ted American accent. 'ugly mug' again too modern. I found the following link to Norse insults which might be useful http://tech.dir.groups.yahoo.com/group/norse_course/message/7213. However the dialogue with Snorri is flawless (aside from snothead) and I liked the use of what I assume is norse.

I'm starting on Chapter five and have put you on my shelf at least until I finish it (which might be a while!)

Hope this is helpful.

Annabelle
x

Hi Rebecca,

Just had a quick squiz at chapter 1 and it's great -real immediacy in the plot and the dialogue is great -you effortlessly create the characterisation through the dialogue while keeping the plot moving -great stuff! Your descriptions of setting are economic and very evocative so the pace and power never slow.
The part I would reconsider is the line about the boy "withdrawing" into the darkness -it doesn't quite have the impact that it should.

Highly impressive writing and highly rated.

Best,
Kaal

Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point

Hi Rebecca,

Just had a quick squiz at chapter 1 and it's great -real immediacy in the plot and the dialogue is great -you effortlessly create the characterisation through the dialogue while keeping the plot moving -great stuff! Your descriptions of setting are economic and very evocative so the pace and power never slow.
The part I would reconsider is the line about the boy "withdrawing" into the darkness -it doesn't quite have the impact that it should.

Highly impressive writing and highly rated.

Best,
Kaal

Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point

Found this an absorbing and engaging read which I'm sure would hold its intended audience. I found the characters believable and well rounded. The pace pulled the reader along and the plot provided enticing enigmas and cliff hangers. A couple of suggestions: I'd like to establish where I am right at the beginning. I think if you started with some indication of setting it would help to act as a backdrop to the family situation and heighten tension. Once on the mountain, weather details always help to create atmosphere and underscore the action. Although, on the whole, dialogue works well and sounds authentic, there are occasions where expression seems out of place for the period: for example, I don't think the Vikings would have used 'ugly mug' or talked of 'it 'being a bit boring lately' - too modern. Overall, an excellent read - fast paced and tense. You can find my chapters at: www.authonomy.com/books/35023/broken-journeys/

i found your book very intertaining and most of it realistic
a very good read
some small differences from the normal viking tales of pillage /rape /and plunder
for this ill give you a thumbs up and say nice
a few lull's in the story that make you wonder if that was all the action but just enough to make you wonder before going right back to the action
not to dull and not to much power to make the slow parts dull
just about a even balance :)))))
id like to read more of it as you finish it and will keep it on my shelve and watch list also
THE BEAST

Right, continuing with Chapter 3!

Wow, the first part of this chapter is unsettling. Pretty scary, actually – and I’m plenty old enough to look after myself – so I can imagine it would be worse for your target audience. First Ryan’s father (supposedly) dies, and now his mother has lost the plot: this has got to be a kid’s worst nightmare. I do wonder whether it’s actually too much, too intense – whether these things would be better happening a little more ‘off screen’. But I don’t know enough about what’s considered acceptable in children’s fiction to say. Your intended audience is ages 10–12, whereas Ryan is 14 (perhaps above the standard age for a protagonist in this grade of book); though the general style of it feels middle grade, some of its themes feel quite adult. But like I said, I don’t know enough about it. Maybe one for an agent to advise on :-)

Subsequent interaction between Ryan and Kim is very believable. They’re definitely brother and sister ;-)

The knife, up at the cave – I wasn’t 100% sure from reading whether the knife is meant to have appeared there while Ryan was sitting outside, or whether he just didn’t notice it the first time he looked into the cave. Either way, you might put a line in about him not having spotted it before.

D.O. – hmm, that’s an interesting one. I think if my name were Daniel O’Connor I might write D.O.C. for my initials, but I don’t know what’s standard if you have an O’-type name.

‘Snorri had gone for good’ – maybe a little more would help here? Ryan looking around, expecting to see bedding or whatever, but instead seeing the empty cave? Otherwise, even with the addition of ‘he’d left nothing behind’, it feels rather like jumping to conclusions since we haven’t seen any evidence of it.

Probably doesn’t matter, but how high is the tunnel in the cave wall? Head height, chest height, down at the level of the floor? It would just help me to visualise the scene if I knew whether Ryan has to climb inside or stoop and wriggle.

Love Ryan’s reactions when he comes out the other end – the revelation that it’s the same cave, only different – good stuff.

I’m a little curious as to the language issues. Now again, this is something I know very little about, but wouldn’t Snorri be speaking Norse or Old English or Irish and thus be completely incomprehensible to a modern ear? Or is it part of the magic of the cave tunnel, that it makes people who go through it understandable to those on the other side? Not that you necessarily need to explain that, but Ryan is old enough to wonder about it, now he knows what’s happened.

Love this! I'm commenting on my phone so will come back later and shelf this and comment more. I read the first two chapters so far and they were great. :)

Hey Rebecca,

Spotted you on the forums (think it was the Agents thread, can’t remember now) and thought I’d come over to take a look at your book.

I usually try to focus on constructive criticism rather than praise – it’s what I find most useful, and judging by your profile you do too. So just assume that if I don’t mention a particular aspect of the book, it’s because I liked it :-)

I’m a little torn over the opening. It’s a dramatic start and it instantly gives us key information – the fact that Ryan’s father is (supposedly) dead and the effect it’s had on the family. But I can’t help siding with Kim a little bit here, rather than Ryan himself. His words do come across as accusing, even rather selfish. And yet … he’s fourteen. It’s realistic. I expect a teenage reader would sympathise.

(By the way, shouldn’t it be ‘That’s not the point’ rather than ‘It’s not the point’?)

I like ‘my theory’. Can’t believe his mum would pat him on the head, though. Patting a fourteen-year-old boy on the head is like patting a crocodile – maybe worse, since at least the crocodile wouldn’t think it was being patronised ;-) Might she squeeze his arm or put a hand on his shoulder instead?

Reading a bit further, I like the sibling relationship between Ryan and Kim, and his voice seems right. I’m beginning to think rather badly of the mother, actually. Based on my own experience, parents will keep trying to do what’s best for their children, even faced with unutterable tragedy. They just grit their teeth and get on with it. So the fact that the mother hasn’t been turning up for work because of her grief makes her seem a little self-centred. I don’t want to sound terribly judgmental here, but I’d like her better if she’d fought more – e.g. if she had been going to work but she just couldn’t keep her mind on the job and so they’d had to let her go. Something that showed she was desperately trying to keep working for the children’s sake, but her grief was just too much. But maybe I’m out of line.

I like the memories of Ryan’s father when he rides off towards the mountains, but some of them felt a bit awkward – e.g. ‘as we live in the little fishing town of Kilkeel’ seems put there solely to inform the reader, rather than because that’s what Ryan would actually be thinking. I’m also not sure about the slips into present tense (we live in Kilkeel, it’s a different world) – they create a ‘now’ in which Ryan is telling the story, and thereby suggest that in this ‘now’ he still lives in Kilkeel and goes mountain climbing – which surely gives too much away in that it tells us he returns to normal life at the end of the story.

(BTW, tiny typo: should be ‘bellowing at the other fishermen’ not ‘fisherman’, unless there genuinely was only one other man on the boat, in which case you might just give him a name.)

I’d like a little more at the end of the chapter about why the other boy is so intriguing – I mean, ‘a strangeness I couldn’t pinpoint’ is all well and good, but it doesn’t conjure much of an image for me. And when you say his hair needed a cut, that could mean a lot of things – it’s just a bit shaggy, or it’s way longer than a normal teenage boy would ever wear his hair. I just felt perhaps a tiny bit more mystery would help to make the end of the chapter a real page-turner.

Chapter 2: not keen on the bracketed bit (‘It was late morning …’). Generally not keen on brackets in prose anyway (despite the fact I use them so often when commenting :-) but this aside in particular feels a bit clunky. As if you wanted to say it was late morning but weren’t sure where to put it. TBH I’m not sure why it’s important that it’s late morning anyway!

The bit that follows directly after that doesn’t seem to quite hang together. It’s as though you’ve rearranged the chapter to put a bit of dialogue and interaction at the beginning, and as a result things come slightly out of order (e.g. the fact that it was Saturday). Maybe consider smoothing this out a little?

Hmm. Nice that we’re getting so quickly into meeting the mysterious boy, but did Ryan just say Aye? That doesn’t fit at all with my image of him as a modern teenager.

I’d like a bit of reaction from Ryan to Snorri’s name – I mean, he’s got to find it just as weird as Snorri finds his, right?

The seagull killing felt a bit abrupt to me. And where was the gull when it was killed? In the air (in which case it would take longer to fall after the knife hits it, and that in itself would be a pretty tricky feat – hitting a flying seagull)? Or on the cliff, in a colony or something like that (in which case it would be worth mentioning the gulls earlier, cos they’d be shifting around and making noise)? Just can’t quite visualise this scene. I’m also not convinced that Ryan would say nothing at all while Snorri preps the bird and starts the fire. I’d expect more shock. Not that many teenagers have seen a bird killed right in front of them, have they? And being in the presence of someone with a knife has got to make you a bit wary.

That’s all I have time for now. I’ll be happy to back this in a few days (I want to give another book longer on my shelf first). I’m also happy to read on if you find it useful. And if you wouldn’t mind taking a look at Dawn Rising, that would be great – the more feedback I can get the better.

Still enjoying this... I'm going to find it difficult getting to the point where there's no more of the story to read. Someone will have to publish it so that we can find out what happens!

Six stars. x

I've enjoyed reading the opening. Your writing is competent and well paced. I will be back for more.
Ruth. x

I don't know what's going on, but it won't let me read the second chapter of your book. It won't let me get to any of the other chapters. :( I'll try again later.

Trista

Dear Rebecca,
You've an excellent way with words. I can see the landscape in my mind's eye and the characters are very real and likeable. Its easy to commiserate with their situation. It's got a feel of adventure with a hint of mystery that is sure to draw your readers right in and I look forward to reading on! Thank you again for your support and kind comments of my stories. It really does mean so much.

All the best,
Trista Herring-Baughman
The Magic Telescope and other stories

Really like the easy reading style, the dialogue is very believable. Can see I need to work on mine to get it as good!
Look forward to reading more and especially how his Father's fate is intertwined with this paralell world.

I love this story...please write more. I want to know more about Ryan and his friends, Snorri and his two sisters. Will Ryan find his father? Will Mum find healing and come home? I will most certainly put this wonderful story on my bookshelf in the next several days. Oh, and thank you so much for your generous comments on my little book. It was written to introduce children to the saving grace of Jesus. I, too, would love to see it on screen. Thanks again. God bless and best of luck with your book. Janet

Ch. 1

There's a bit of an abrupt transition from arguing and making up to suddenly off on his bicycle. Was he dressed for riding previously? From the hours, it is summer. How is he dressed and will he want to change before cycling?

Is the Mournes a mountain range as context suggests?

"No one would be up there on his [their] own." With 'his,' the sentence gains immediacy. Further, this is a boy thinking he has seen another boy. A female writer might experiment with the sentence in her head with the character as a female and then substitute the masculine pronoun in her writing.

Dragons of the Western Tides hooked me in right away, with Ryan and his family in the predicament of his mother losing her job and his father missing/dead. You do a good job of showing just how upset Ryan is over the whole thing; his voice is very believable as a grieving 14-year-old boy. In chapter two Ryan returns to the mountain and comes face to face with the boy he saw earlier. What follows is a believable account of two people from very different cultures meeting; I like how you show just how odd each boy finds the other.
A few things I noticed:
“It’s ok, Ryan,” should be OK or okay.
‘Kimberley raised her voice.’ You have it spelled ‘Kimberly’ earlier.
‘Mum stared at an imaginary spot on the plastic tablecloth.’ POV shift here…Ryan can know she’s staring at the tablecloth but not at an imaginary spot.
‘At first I wasn’t sure; it could have been a trick of the light. The sun was out one minute, bathing the valley in a golden glow, then a cloud covered it the next, plunging everything into shadow.
Shadows playing tricks in the cave. I’d never noticed the cave before in all the times I’d been up here, but now it stuck out at me, a small, lone black hole in the rocky side of the mountain.
And a stirring inside it, a boy withdrawing into the shadows.’ –In these three paragraphs ‘shadow’ shows up three times.
‘That morning she was in one of her second-mother-modes.’ No hyphen between mother and modes.
‘As far as proving himself he felt he’d already done it, but he should have stuck with his gut reaction and leftthis strange place while no harm was done.’ Typo with leftthis.
Overall, I liked this a lot. Your writing style has a nice flow to it and suits the story very well, and I’m looking forward to reading more.

l like your writing style. lt's easy to read with a nice rhythym and effective descriptive narrative...good dialogue too..an all round good book;
on my watchlist...
6 stars******!!!!!!!!!!
read SEASONS...

I'm far too old to be included in your target group, but I find this story fascinating. I've not quite got to the end of all you've posted, but I shall.
The concept forms a solid base for this tale and along the way you weave in history with a subtle touch. An interesting and relevant period too of our Viking past.
Your writing is strong and you can clearly tell a good story. I do hope this appeals to young readers because it is well worth reading. Starred and backed. Margaret.

Rebecca,
You have come up with a very imaginative story in Dragons of the Western Tides. Ryan's discovery which leads him into an ancient world seems like a brilliant ploy to interest youngsters in ancient history. This is one I could have immersed myself in some years ago when I was closer to Ryan's age. Marvelous account.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

This novel is driven by believable characters with genuine feelings. From the opening pages I was rooting for Ryan while simultaneously sympathizing with his family struggles. The premise is also one that grabbed my attention early. I love historical fiction, so the time-warp was a great hook for me. I also could relate to his "second mother," seeing as I grew up with an older sister. Very believable.

My one suggestion would be to mix up some of the word choice. There were a few paragraphs where you began with the same word (lot's of I's) and also a few repeated words within the same paragraph. Mixing it up will help improve the natural flow of your sentences.

As a whole, though, I really enjoyed reading the first few chapters and plan on reading more.

One may wonder how many candles are burning in Becky's room as she writes this with her quill pen, while the wind wheezes through a crack in the window pain! The setting is perfect and the story so easy to follow, with character's that you can find place for in your imagination, and almost wish they were real. Would pick this up in a bookshop without needing a second glance any day.
Good book and good luck, Rebbecca.

Rebecca,
Going through the agony of a father lost and a family falling apart, Ryan finds the ultimate escape in a cave portal to an ancient settlement of Vikings. What a great premise on which to launch your tale. Your mastery of the picturesque phrase and twisting on the emotional spigot drew me right in, struggling along with Ryan to find coherence in a world turned upside down. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Rebbecca. Call someone asap there's a glitch in your book. Its now 19.40hrs South African time, 6 may 2011. Letters are coming up before words as well as "@#0" and those kind of things. Hope you get it sorted quick. Looking forward to reading more.
yours sincerely
carly

like the conversation -really pulls you in and the element of suspense you give is just right -definately want to carry on reading til the end -finding it very enjoyable - may give this to the children i teach to look at ,they love reading -elisagianoncelli -the thirteenth child .

Little bits of this shine out as beautiful - the mother's sentiment that every fish she gutted was special because it might have been caught by her husband, and Snorri's observations on the sight of aeroplanes and the lighthouse shining out across the sea and land. It's a great idea for a story, and I particularly like the parts that are from Snorri's point of view.

Anna
Angelwings

Hi Rebecca,

A great pitch and a book that will stand out for young adults.
You have a great way with situations - the dialoges are catchy and the suspense is quite on the right tempo.
The best part of it is \ryan's character - a lot of lessons for my own boys (i'll ask them to read a few chapters and wait for their reactions as well)
My own book EXPIRY DATE has a protagonist in the young Deven....
In the meantime, I've sprinkled a few stars over the book and BACKED it as well
All the best for having it published.

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

I'm baack! So, time to see what your book is all about. As always you don't need to listen to a single word of what follows if you feel I'm out of touch with your vision:

ONE

Hmm...you've got the intrigue at once, but I reckon you could up the tempo a bit. Ryan is really wound up, right? I think you could really give us his insight. He sees his mother with her head in her hands...does this terrify him? Is he unnerved as his mother's always positive and bright? I quite liked the opening of 'Faerie Wars' by Herbie Brennan (which also has the mother of the MC acting strangely). Just to contrast what he usually sees his mother doing to what she IS doing now, to sharpen the contrast that today, something is not right.

Oh, I see you do a bit of what I've said later on. I think putting in a real example would only strengthen it (so Ryan sees his mother at the table, and at once feels terrible because she's usually...I dunno, stirring coffee, reading a paper, whatever. Some break in her daily ritual which sends off more alarms than just seeing her in a state.

This exchange between siblings is great! You're conveying all the frustration, hopelessness, anger and grief and it's all coming out brilliantly! Well done.

The boy in the cave is giving me vibes from Stig of the Dump- a bit older than Vikings, but similar feel. Good stuff!

Last sentence of the first chapter, I think you could drop the 'so'. Just 'Who was he?'. Brings us a bit closer to Ryan's point of view.

Excellent stuff- well written, too. Ryan has a strong voice the reader can instantly connect to.

Will come back for more- have to scoot off for a bit!

All the best

Sam241

A cave of time! Smart concept, and vikings are cool. I liked the snappy dialogue between the family and you open up with the tragedy/mystery of the missing or dead dad. The idea of the mother losing her job kept it realistic and gritty - good qualities for young adult books.

All the best,

Pat

Rebecca, first of all I want to commend you on a great eye-catching pitch. Your book cover is very compelling and beautifully put together. For a YA audience this is a must although those in their latter teens will get deeper into the layers you have skillfully woven. It’s a well written tale with excellent visuals. Ryan is understandably engrossed in the mystery over his father’s disappearance and finds a strange boy in a forgotten cave. He is in disbelief and his research on the internet for the Ostmen Vikings shows his willingness to learn more about them―a great message on gaining a full understanding of his surroundings. Readers will care deeply for these characters, for Ryan’s mum who is mentally unable to cope without her husband and for Kimberley who tries to keep the momentum―a hard task. Ryan finds his father’s survival knife and Snorri takes Ryan, the utlendr, to his home. Children will be hooked by this sudden bravery and exploration into the unknown. Great dialogue in Chapter 3 between the Vikings. And I love the names! I have rated this book highly and recommend it to other readers. Backing soon. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.