Sentence

The darkest thing I have ever read, with two characters that should be equally despised. It is a testament to you that one of them becomes a hero that you kind of hope makes it through to the other side. Loved it and hated that I did.

this has a great premise and some things are pretty good about it, but you might need some serious editing. i mean the first line doesn't even make sense. if the writing can be cleaned up i think you may have something here.

Hi Kevin,

I’m finally getting around to your story! Sorry it’s taken so long.

Title: Good, clean and clear. I’m good with it.
Short pitch: I’d delete the “Not of the Jackson 5” as it doesn’t accomplish anything and takes the seriousness out of the writing.
Long pitch: You start off well, but then fall into the same trap that so many authors on Authonomy fall into…giving us too much back story in the pitch when you should be focusing on the hooks. The story is very intriguing, and that will come out without giving it all away. The pitch is meant to entice the reader so they’ll want to find this stuff out.

Chapter One

“I’m starting.” I scream.
The period should be a comma.

The voiceless thing that I have been has voice.
This doesn’t make any sense to me, which really hurts since it’s the second sentence. You want to hook your reader fast and this has no context to it. If the reader can’t see what you’re talking about this early, you risk losing him/her.

That whole first paragraph doesn’t make sense. I don’t see it. What is the narrator talking about?
“and then I was…

You need to close the quotations.

“I roar agonies…”
This doesn’t work. I roar in agony perhaps?

OMG, the premise of this is great. I love hook at the end of the first chapter. “Don’t allow any witnesses.” GREAT ending to a promising first chapter.

The biggest thing I can suggest is that this needs some scrubbing. The flow doesn’t work well, and the grammar isn’t there yet. But there is a lot of potential. I’m really loving the subject matter and where you mind is taking this. Rewriting is just a part of writing, so that’s no biggie. Just keep at it. This is worth it.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts about Deshay of the Woods, especially with your creative mind for fantasy.

Thanks and all the best!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

I read through the first chapter and loved it. Thank you for telling me that your work is out there. It deserves to be read, and I'm glad I had a chance to take a look. I hope that the "Dark Lord" takes a hike, and learns that the author needs to be published and awareness raised about this great book! I am giving it high stars. I'm not very good at grammar, so I won't be of much help there. Keep up the good work!

Best,

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

I've read 2 chapters and it's brilliant. I'll be shelving this soon as I have some space.

Dear Kevin,

Imaginative and inventive with a surprise around every corner and very well written.

Good luck Eddie
Magic Wood

You're a sick man, Kev! I read this sinister, yet funny and entertaining story and tried to work out where it was going. The main part of the story, as descibed in the pitch hasn't even been touched upon yet so I still still haven't a clue. Although, an uncomfortable read at times, the ounce of humanty in Jermain is important as Gerald is simply too scummy to be the main character and would alienate many readers. Can't think of where it's going but liked it in a peep-through-the-fingers sort of way. Backed.

The Nomad

THE ISLAND EXPERIMENT

Kev, I am worried for you!!! Sentence is so well written that you've really scared me and I only read through the first chapter... you hooked me in, but it's dark and the wind is howling.... I am rating this book really highly (like, I haven't pressed the button yet, but it may be one of the big ones). I will keep Sentence in mind for a shelving... Damn my shelf only having 5 spots!
Monicque. xx

Kevin,
You've got your stars, all six of them.
I can't believe i read as much as i did. Although the subject is truly Dark, your writing is exceptional and i wish you the best.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Jermain yes a blue eyed blondie. I like the first chapter, how he watched Tracy and vowed to return. Thanks for the heads up as the book has swooped me in for more.
Red

Dark as it gets but with something else. For some reason I like Jermain Jackson and want to know what happens next.

This is an interesting book. I like stories that get inside the heads of serial killers and a darken souls. You have written a hell of a story here. This will definitely sell faster than any popular book on the market right now. For your tags, you should add "demons," "demon," and "hell." This'll help attract more readers here.

HI

Great start. Good feel to your prose.Unique style to the descriptives and sentance structure you use. Keepit coming because I want toread more. Dark,moddy and building well.

Good luck

Rob

I wanted to say that this totally sucked me in and i read 4 chapters at once. Now I almost stopped at the very beginning of the first chapter, the first twenty lines or so seemed like they were a little jumbled wording and confusing. Once the main character introduces himself to the reader you are golden. I am no good at pointing out grammar, but after that first section I think the writing flowed much better, enough that I read up to chapter 4 without a glitch. I put this up on my shelf, I will definitely read the rest later. It reminds me of the movie Lost boys to a point, and The Good Son. Good luck!
-Anna

Definitely putting this on my shelf! Great writing. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck.
Sue50

I am looking forward to reading this story. I have to say that the cover is what grabbed me the second I saw it. And now, reading the pitch, I am happy that it has my attention even more. I'm excited to begin!

I'm shockingly engrossed in this story- the stories of Jermaine's past and his wrong-doings (however bad they are, I can't help but to read more). I love the darker sense in this and the way it is written in first person/past tense (which is how I normally write). I don't think I've read anything quite in the same perspective. This is original, interesting, disgusting, and most of all brilliant. Happy to place it on my shelf!

Brittany Engstrand
Melaney and The Mirror/ My Last Notes

Wow... that kid's really evil. God, I wanted to smash him face in and really wanted it to hit home. Thing is, with Gerald, I don't think it would. I don't think anything would hit home. You've made one heck of a character.
Yet, at the same time, I kinda like those two. They've got enough personality and spark to be sort of attractive to a reader, even if they are committing the foulest of the foul. The idea of telling the story and the revenge is great. It effortlessly told. There's a couple of grammatical mistakes but apart from that, I was hooked.
The last line of chapter eight seems a bit foreboding... I have a feeling that it's not entirely true... :P
This is really good. It might not be for everyone but those that like this knid of thing, will LOVE this.

Amy
x

This is a wonderful coming of age story, no pun intended. At last a realistic perspective on young male sexual discovery.Bravo! I loved the Jackson joke in the beginning. All of the glib sexual references are in character and make the story engaging. I think hardon should be hard-on, as it is two words.
I am definitely putting this on my watch list and scoring it well. I read as far as chapter 4.
Roberta

If I'm rehashing old territory, please forgive me; I didn't look over previous comments. This story is disturbing on many levels, but that being said, I truly enjoyed the read. Your writing is very fluent and easy to read, so I have no complaints in that respect. Jermaine and Gerald are two peas in a pod- two young serial killers in the making. All the signs are there at such a young age: the love of torture; the fact that Jermaine is drawn to Gerald after the train incident, rather than being repelled or angry: Jermaine's excitement when he found out what his friend did to the dog. Like I said, it was disturbing, and I don't usually read this type of book, but it certainly kept my attention.
I had only one issue: in chapter 3, Jermaine says, "I stopped being young when I met him." I'm assuming he was speaking of Gerald, but you may want to clarify here, because it pulled me from the story.
Overall, great writing. I'm very impressed.

Being the person that I am, I immediately went for your 'darker' book. :P Your concept of this hell is very unusual but I certainly like it! It seems like a much better way to punish the wicked than the generic Christian fire and brimstone.
I love the descriptions of Jermaine in hell itself; they create an interesting contrast with the more usual storytelling style you use when telling what his life on earth was like. For the record, Gerald scares me. He's the type of kid I would not want to come across in a dark alley...
Backed :)

Tayla
The Hunt for Taylor Mason

Some of the best books break boundaries and yours will certainly rattle a few cages. Daring, urgent writing which raises striking, if uncomfortable, imagery. Having written about shocking childhood experiences but in a different style myself, I shall read on, horrified, wary but intrigued.

Nick Goulding
'Where She Lies'

Thought the concept and writing for both Sentence and Finish were cool. See you at the top one day.

Dear Kevin,

I am not a fun of horror but I respect those of you who can peep into the realms of the devil and life after death and be able to give a presentation. Bravo with Finish and Sentence.

Kevin, here are my comments and suggestions for the remaining part of Chapter 1:

- Before this I considered the monastery a hell. … Next door to me was Gerald Griffiths. Some called him Horse and others Darkness. Me, I called him a friend. His being next door was more torture than I could endure. [consider this variant]

- The Monastery was run by Agents. They caught us, took us without trial, and promised us we would never leave. [you use ‘us’ 3 times – ‘promised us’ can be “promised, with a sneer on their faces, that we would…”]

- That’s not really stating in the right place, at the end of my life, even if the end of my life is not the end of my story. [I’m not sure what you mean by this sentence]

- I suppose it all started when we became friends, Gerald and I. …Not me now. [this short sentence should be dropped – it stumbles the reader’s progress] Now I am a soul, [and] a bad [one] [soul- change it for ‘one’] with the residue of Jermains’ [Jermain’s] mind very much a part of me.

- I’ll use said [either ‘the said name’ or ‘this name’ or ‘the abovementioned name’] name when speaking of myself. I hated the name as a child. [I hated it…] – ‘name’ is used too often here, you’d better avoid it;

- Yet here I am in death, still referring to myself as such. I suppose it’s easier, my soul himname [what is himnane?];

- And yet I [clearly] remember the day Gerald Griffiths, AKA Gee-Gee, thus Horse, and I had bec[o]me friends. The first day I came to realise I could die. [realised that – can be dropped] Just because I was eleven didn’t mean I was in any way immune. [the clearer, the better, my friend];

- We were down the railway bridge[, as often we were – can be omitted or substituted for a sentence: “We often went there”]

- The bridge was called F92. The old folk called it the old HighWay[, - a full stop should be here] [W]e called it Dwains [Dwain’s] ghost…;

- Little Ron in the year above us reckoned he had found Dwains [Dwain’s] ear …;

- The particular day [‘I’m remembering’ – better ‘I’m recalling’] wasn’t about pissing in crisp packets;

- Mind you, thinking about it, I think [thinking-think – “thinking about it” must be deleted] it was only me suffering from the phenomena [phenomena or phenomenon?], the hard[-]on. Over the last couple of months it had been becoming [‘had been becoming’ is too difficult to read – ‘had become’] more and more frequent.

- Things were a little different when Gerald was with us, [‘as he was more and more often’ – sounds strange to me];

- This particular sunny day the game had not long started before … to benefit [from] his advice;

- ‘Don’t tell anyone.” He said as … [‘Don’t tell anyone,’ he said as…];

The rest of the chapter is ok. You need to edit and polish it as you have a story people may find appealing. Don’t stop. Keep on writing!!! :)

I hope my thoughts will help you improve your book.

On the pitches: intriguing and catching – I’d recommend splitting the full pitch into separate paragraphs (3 would be most appropriate – the reader needs short sentences to be hooked into reading your book).

Chapter 1:
I think you should work on the opening lines. I read the MC’s speech and thought all along that was a dialogue because of the punctuation.

- Let’s take the first paragraph – I’m starting. What? Then you use “I” again. What if we drop it? “I’m starting,” the voiceless thing that… /you may show the emotions a bit further/ …I scream. What was numb has feeling. What feeling – explain it. Pain/misery/loneliness/vexation? You resort to ‘now’ twice in the first two lines – I actually try to avoid it altogether, deleting it whenever I revise my book and see it.

What if you put ‘Alright’ at the very beginning – “Alright, I’m starting,” and then you need to show the emotion – I need to feel it.

Daggers in my formlessness. I need a verb here. A great idea is hampered by the absence of the verb – e.g., “Daggers pierce my formlessness.” [stab, thrust etc.]

This is a bit complicated to read because of your punctuation. If you continue a speech of one person and use a red line you do not need ” at the end of the previous line. So you don’t need ” after “…give me a chance.” – if you use it, you mean another person starts speaking. Well, I think that needs immediate editing because as I now understand all along only one person spoke.

- I roar agonies – you say it but the MC’s words do not reflect it.
The beginning is good. Needs editing.

The way I see it:

“‘Okay, I’m starting!’ I scream.
The voiceless thing that I have been has voice. What was numb now has feeling. All that time I wished for stimulation. With daggers piercing my formlessness, I wish it all away.
‘I just need time to think, give me a chance!
‘Yeah, I know, no more chances. I just can’t make out where to start. This is my life story you’re demanding, I can’t write it all down—I was born and then I learnt to walk and then…”
I roar in agony again. It’s Hell. My initiation has begun. I am squeezed, boiled, stretched and burnt.
‘I got it, just give me some space, I can’t have you watching me the whole fucking time.’
Agony tears me to shreds and I know I have no choice but to feel the terror of those watching eyes. The eyes of Matabu.
The torture ends though it offers no relief. The book I must complete is still empty and my hell has only just begun. I suppose it’s better than I expected, not that I expected it at all. Hell. [or ‘—Hell.]”

One more observation – as the character is in acute pain, he needs to resort to much shorter phrases – he is trying to persuade Matabu to stop torturing him – am I right?

Well, I hope I’m not too harsh – I just want to encourage you to perform better. We all have lots of editing to do, do not stop – edit and improve it! Your idea is great – polish its rough edges, and you’ll have your following. I’ll read more and try to make as much contribution to your book as I can.

I’d also recommend you to check out Kim Jewell’s “Misery’s Fire”. Look at the way she constructs the pitches and first chapters. If you have any questions, ask me.

Sincerely yours,
Ivan

Jermaine Jackson and his dark friend dragged me unwillingly through this and I accidently enjoyed it. Excellent.

I really enjoyed this. Great back story about their childhood and like how you bring it back to the present time. Like the monastary prison, Hell, the whole thing. Terrific character development. 5 stars.
Dina of 33 and Halo of the Damned

I like your intro. Backed and will read later this weekend. If you have a chance, a return read would be great.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and 33

If the pitch didn't scare me off, my reading the comments did. But I'm no woose. I've done Iain Banks and for better or worse, I liked it. I'll give you a go tonight . I've put you on my shelf hoping you'll take a look at mine. A Wolf In She's Clothing Leila Lee

I felt rather uneasy reading this,a feeling I last experienced reading Iain Banks' 'Wasp Factory'. The matter of fact narrator, the cruelty, sadism and violent murders reminded me of that. The writing is very skilfull and as a reader I felt that I was getting to know both the demonic Gerald as well as Jermaine. Jermaines punishment begins in ch6 and it is not yet clear whether this alternative hell is a physical or a psychological place, arising from Jermaine's eventual understanding and remorse for what he has done. My advice would be to ease back on the extreme edges of this tale to enable a wider audience to appreciate the quality of the writing. In Banks' book he constructed his plot so carefully that as a reader you totally reassessed the psychology of the narrator in the last chapters. If you manage to pull off that wonderful sleight of hand with 'Sentence' it would be quite a feat.

i previewed at your request but erotic books are not my genre. i would suggest you add that to your list. i couldn't see your plot/storyline for the 'nasty' scenes. you asked for my input and this is it. don't mean to offend. just sayin i was interested until then.

Having a night to think about it, you could add a star to your rating and a lot of dimension by giving us more details / backstory about the characters during the first few chapters. Sneak in ethnicity, favorite clothes. Describe one thing about the house or mother. How many siblings do they have? To demonstrate, instead of just saying Horse was bad news:
The only subject at school Horse care enough about to get above a D was history.
When we played war, he knew every batallion, and their specialties. He told everyone his dad was a war hero until his mum laughed and said "He was drunk and fell off the back of his jeep."
That night, he broke her whole Lady Di commemorative plate set, and wrote obscenities on her contact lenses.
He never invited anyone to his house after that.

More subtly, during the porn mag scene:
There were two extra mags, an Atlanta cutlery knife and an Army surplus catalogue.
He had one page dog-eared, a British commando dagger painted matte black. He even had a name picked out for her, "Lady MacBeth."

Scott Rhine (Foundation for the Lost)

I would emphasize the shared descent into serial killing in the pitch.
tag demonic has unwanted period

chapter 1: I really like the last line. But I would recommend a chapter split between the disembodiment and the the day they met, or heavily trim the meandering up front and get into the meat of the story sooner.

chapter 2: great characterization, descent into darkness
I might have one of the pursuers get serioously injured by the train or fall.
put in a break before "When the agent
Actually use dialogue here
move "That's how it started" to after the mum quote
Put the agent dialogue in italics at the top of a new chapter.
This might be a good intro pattern for you,

A word about length - 170K is too long for a first book. The limit for fantasy is about 120K.

Scott Rhine (Foundation for the Lost)

Made me feel as uncomfortable as reading American Phyco or watching Clockwork Orange. Have a terrible feeling I might like it just as much.

Kevin,
While Jermaine isn't someone I would want to know personally, I enjoyed my brief visit as I found your narrative voice strong. This happens when an author makes a fictional account seem like a true life account and the scenes in the story are easily imagined.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Very dark, not the style of book I'd usually read, but executed well. Read two chapters but will have no problem reading more. The fact I felt uncomfortable at times is a testament to the writing. Became a little confused during the chase scene, had to pause and reread the odd paragraph to work out who was chasing who and how close they were to being caught, but aside from that it drew me in as any good novel should. Good luck with this.

Jermain is a captivating character and your writing style is unique. The issue with your story is organization. It jumps back and forth a lot and I'm not sure where it is heading. You go from one story to another and then back to the first story. He's recounting his life, but where's the plot? What is he trying to accomplish?

This has promise. I'll put it on my shelf.

Brian

This book is savage. Couldn't help reading on even when part of me wanted not to. Very good and very bad.

I have just read the first two chapters. They set the book up well. I can see the two of them going on to some pretty dark stuff. Well written, and kept me interested. Although, at the same time, it also made me feel rather uncomfortable, reading about 14 year old girls in fields, and fart porn. Not subjects I would usually look for!

I have rated, and put on my watch list.

I hope you enjoy mine.

great horror; full of suspence and thrills- narrative and dialogue work well too; on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Dear Kevin, I love the intrigue & suspense in your story of JJ/Jermaine & Gerald & all the bad that they did, "caught and taken to the Monastery by Agents" in cells next to each other & when JJ, died "Matabu created an all new hell... with punishments" & "those that Jermaine had murdered where there to greet him & relive upon him the pains he had inflicted on them & Matabu wanted Jermaine to tell his story to move through the torturous forest of his victims, sometimes watching, sometimes becoming his very victims," as your story portrays. :) WOW!! As I read, even compared to Jack the Ripper who Jermain said was never caught, even. Putting the penny on the railroad tracks, I did & dropping bags on cars that went by my ex did with his friend, he told me :) - amazing the semblance. :) They sure did a lot of bad stuff & I was amazed at the supermarket 52 thousand pounds. :) I have read your entire book & commented on it & will back it more than 24 hours as soon as space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** mine, too. :) I received your backing message but I don't see it on your bookshelf & it doesn't count anything unless it is on 24 hours or more, so could you please back it again to help me? :) I would really appreciate it because I have been trying for almost a year to be chosen in the top 5 of the editor's desk & was #4 on 1-1-11, but 2 people passed me, pushing me out to #6, so I wasn't chosen January 31 & am trying at #1, now to stay anchored & not slide out again, so need all the backings I can get to hold me in & be chosen in the top 5 February 28. :) I would so much appreciate your help. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing more than 24 hours & the longer on our bookshelves, the more they move up, per authonomy's new rules Oct 2010 :)

Not Jermaine Jackson : ) You have a great sense of humor! I love the little twists of irony in what I've read! Get a bio up there guy, and let's hear about you! I've skipped around some, and the writing looks good! I'll comment with more detail when I've had a chance to look more thoroughly, but based on the writing, I'm going to recommend!
***Also, one more small tip - while we're limited to only four categories, you can tag all you want. Go with anything you can think of a reader might find intriguing in a search for books, sci-fi, science fiction, supernatural, crime, horror, Satanic, torture, mystery, murder, serial killer, undead, etc. I've got about 30 on mine. Keep adding as you can think of keywords. It will help readers who read your type of novel to find and enjoy it.

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it :) Love, Susie :) Read & commented on 1 day later. :)