Dead Dogs

Hi Chris,

Oh man, what an opening chapter. Disgusting and rancid, I love it. And I love the title too.

The proceeding chapters follow through with a great tone. It’s gritty and dark and interesting. I really like your style of writing and the phrases and narrative you use. The characters are great with brilliant natural dialogue.

I only read half of it, but I can’t pick out any errors or mistakes.

I’m utterly surprised to see that no one has commented on Dead Dogs in nearly 200 days. This deserves far more attention!

Cheers,
Adam

Hey Adam, cheers for reading and your kind comments mate :) Lack of reads/comments is my own fault, I haven't been on here for aaaaaages, my bad.

However, in that time I've completed Dead Dogs and given it a complete re-write! Going to post the updated chapters here, and have plans to release as a free/dirt cheap Kindle book.

Have a good one dude,

Cheers,
Chris

Hi Chris,

Oh man, what an opening chapter. Disgusting and rancid, I love it. And I love the title too.

The proceeding chapters follow through with a great tone. It’s gritty and dark and interesting. I really like your style of writing and the phrases and narrative you use. The characters are great with brilliant natural dialogue.

I only read half of it, but I can’t pick out any errors or mistakes.

I’m utterly surprised to see that no one has commented on Dead Dogs in nearly 200 days. This deserves far more attention!

Cheers,
Adam

You should be flattered by the shear number of those who have taken the time to write about your novel; I don’t know many who would spend the time on a work if it had no future, me included. You may, then, take a bow. But listen to their comments. Real writing is in the rewriting. Hemingway was a much better editor than a writer. And Michael Ondaatje remarked last week (as he launched The Cat’s Table at a public signing) that editing and then rewriting is his greatest pleasure in the process of bringing a book to life.
I will reinforce what others have written, particularly Susanna K. James, and then venture into the business of writing because it is here I will suggest is where you will be working after completing the first draft.
The book is about the protagonist, Mikael. Situations and people are thrown at him and it is his reaction to them that drives the narrative. First, then, Mikael must be unquestionably believable. Secondly, the situations and people thrown in his way must be genuine. That is the task ahead of you in editing and rewriting.
Mikael is 14, poor, from Poland, relocated to Albania. It has never been established, nor is it believable, that he would know:
what a juicy steak is (or why a good steak is juicy in the first place – marbling, by the way);
know anything about a Capybara;
know what a microwave is or what happens to a melon in one;
etc. . . .
His believability as a character is compromised by these but they are easily corrected. (I’ll bet when you thought about the exploding melon you laughed out loud. It’s great, just not here. A wise man once said, “when you write something absolutely brilliant, take it out.” It’s good advice.)
Mikael at one point describes his mother as “an old bat.” This illustrates a lapse in your primary job, communicating with the reader, ninety percent of whom have grown up and learned all the essential principles of right and wrong in their first fourteen years of life. At 14-year-old with both a mother and father, even as his parents are fighting, would never dismiss a parent out of hand. Rather, emotionally, the instinctive reaction is to defend either or both, rationalize their behaviour in a manner to keep them close to you. Because you’ve given no reason for the reader to believe his mother is anything but a struggling, caring woman trying to keep the family together, the term “old bat” is incongruous to the reader and makes Mikael seem an impertinent, unlikeable young man. Your business as a story-teller is to manipulate the reader’s emotions. You must understand the readers. Your ability to do that can turn on three little words. That’s scary, isn’t it?
Rewrite your sentence, “My own reflection gawped back at me” as a Polish kid then put it beside the original on the wall in front of your computer to remind you to take the author out of the character.
As for the characters and settings . . . I love Achemi. The father is incongruously skinny for a security guard at one point and then more physically capable later. Make the kid next door visually unforgettable right away – a birthmark, six fingers, green eyes, whatever. And I concur with the others that Albania as a setting is absent. The Albania bit is tricky. The setting is vital for the blood feud law and a good selling point (Granta is probably looking to do an issue with Albanian writers and poets right now.) The solution? Go to Albania for a month or three or, if you can’t afford that, Google Albanian restaurants near you and eat your way to enlightenment and description. The two quickest, truest ways to know a culture is to eat their food or sleep with them. The most powerful sense to convey to a reader is smell and restaurants can throw you hundreds of milesd away with one bite. Restaurateurs are almost always rabid to talk about their homes.
The first business of a novel is to tell a story and you’re doing brilliantly so far. I find it very difficult to read on a computer but I was compelled to forget the strain and flew through all nine chapters. Your writing style is fluid, rhythmic, easy. Wonderful for the reader, which is the art, but dangerous for you perhaps. I want you to finish the novel, let the story take you and itself to the end. Then, when you begin to rewrite, it’s inevitable that you will see underlying themes with which you want to glue the whole together. That’s why it’s termed “literary” fiction, after all. In my effort on Authonomy, for instance, you can read it simply as a story of an 18-year-old and his journey. Underlying themes of the true value of money, questions about at what point in life one becomes an adult, and should one’s legacy be judged by accomplishments or the effect he or she has had on others, are woven in to the story for those who care to see them. In your case, the style is so accessible to the reader that you may find it very difficult to convey an underlying theme, simply because your readers may fly over one. If the text isn’t demanding, and it isn’t, you have to make every word count, every sentence one that the reader will want to re-read and remember, to succeed in communicating your ideas. The good thing about the difficulty of this is that it makes the rewriting process so much more rewarding because you have the task of an alchemist.
Finally, when you’re rewriting, remember to allow the reader his imagination. “Her lips were clamped together and stretched thinner than a sheet of paper, a clear implication of her mood.” Cut it after the word “paper.”
I wish you all the best.

Grippingly visceral opening. It gets you in the pit of the stomach and won’t let go. Chapter 1 is almost as emotionally and physically raw.

What’s “Tenderline”?

Consider the tenses in “she said I should be thankful I have any trousers”.

I had assumed, based on his actions and much of the language that Mikael was about 8/10. (I didn’t read the pitch thoroughly). He really didn’t come across as a 14 year old to me, but I guess it’s only 4 or so years difference. Having said that, at other times the language is quite mature for a child. Actually, that maybe why I thought he was younger: copying adult speech as kids often do.

I was also surprised that you didn't make more of the Albanian setting - showing us the countryside and it's images, sounds and smells, but I guess you've chosen not to.

The language of the text is strong and the rhythm pacey. It’s definitely a striking page turner. Lots of stars.

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

I really like your snappy style. It reads really well, interesting goings on, and pacey. It feels like a film rolling, and some of your choice of words are amusing, and the definitely vivid. Good dialogue too.

The setting is authentic, although from these two chapters, there is no evidence in any description or dialect, or even culture, apart from the names Miss Bardulla, and Mikael. I would like to see something of the setting included....maybe you have done this later. But I love exotic foreign settings.

Would love it if you take a look at my books and tell me what you think.

I would definitely high star this book, and it's on my WList till I turn around my shelf later.

Well done!
Keep writing
Marilyn

Hi Chris. Your writing is very polished with original imagery - the uncle's skin like soggy teabags, for instance. A very different setting, although, with the US/UK feel of a lot of the dialogue and slang, I had to remind myself it was Albania. But maybe that's the way kids talk all over the world now? Easy to see why you have previously won awards. This is high quality and deserves to do well.
Kind Regards Kat

Chris,

On the strength of the opening three chapters (and if I had more time I'd definitely have read on), I'd recommend 'Dead Dogs' to anyone. This is great stuff, and style-wise, the POV and the voice (which is excellent) put me a little in mind of Kurkov's 'Death and the Penguin.' The short, snappy chapters make for a page-turning read, and you've got a solid hook at the end of every chapter so far. Loved the prologue lead-in with the dead dog, sets things up nicely (and mentioned in my email yesterday about small suggestion for change - syrup blood - but that might just be me.) The classroom scene in chapter one proper is nicely done. It's funny in that horrible classroom way, capturing all the embarrassment of being the new boy having to stand up and say something about yourself, and you relay a little backstory without detracting from the natural flow and development of the story. There's some great lines here, too - the heart thumping 'like an animal trying to escape' and 'even a dog turd looks like chocolate cake from a distance' (sorry to paraphrase.)

Highly recommended. Already backed.

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'

sorry it took me so long to get back to this. i've been shelving it in the meantime. chapter 3 starts out a bit slow. the lack of dialogue tags had me confused and i found the scene when the cousins arrived took too long and i wanted to skip ahead.
it got interesting when they sit to talk. i loved the way the grandfather's note about louise is introduced. the physical descriptions of his dad as he struggles to make himself read it shows tension beautifully and the way the mc conveys his interest, oh so subtely. this is an interesting little mystery.
the interaction that follows shows more expert dialogue. not only is it realistically the way kids would talk to each other, it's interesting and makes the reader connect to all three characters.

I read this and liked it. There are a lot of comments here regarding the 14 year old - I think his use of foul language is fine (every 14 year old I knew talked that way), but I agree that he may be processing emotions and reacting to them in a slightly too mature way. Then again, how many Polish kids do I know? Your cover distracts me because of the missing "s" and chapter five had an (obviously unintentional) huge lot of font size changes which made it really hard to concentrate on.
Overall, the storyline is really very interesting. I had no idea these sorts of feuds even existed. I hope to be permitted to read more soon, as I've grown sort of fond of the little trash mouth.

Hi Chris

OK, I've read up to chapter three, have a few observations.

Title/cover/pitch, great. The setting drew me in, I was intrigued as to how you'd portray the all too common Albanian family feuds.

I liked the opening chapter, although at times I found it hard to believe I was in the mind of a 14 year old. the dialogue was great for a 14y.o., imagery very good, but there was just something about the style of writing that didn't match a teenage mind at times, more a choice of words I think e.g. rather. Is this something a 14y.o would say?

I would have liked to see more description of Albania. My OH is a Kosovar Albanian, and his descriptions of Kosovo and Albania, as well as pictures, totally blew me away. I would have liked to see some more imagery around this, particularly as Mikael hadn't lived/grown up there. You gave a slight description about Kulsh,but I didn't get a feel for the place really.

Chapter three I think could use some expansion (forgive me if this comes a little later). Albanian's go very OTT when family visit, feed and drink them to death with turkish coffee etc, I would have liked to see some more on this as, for me, it would make it a little more authentic, especially as the interraction, I'm guessing, would be a little alien to Mikael? Also, interested to see the tension between the uncles at the inheritance with the house. Again, this may come later, but I would imagine there would be a lot of veiled unhappiness about this, especially as they tend to 'take' their own rooms within the house and kind of share, even if they don't live in the house full time.

Overally, what I've read so far is good, I would just like to be immersed a little more. You have a unique selling point in that this is something very different and set in a place not many people will have heard of, or had much inclination to be interested in.

Starred etc etc and will be back to read the rest

Silva
The Secret Diary

Hey Chris, this is my BHG Crit. Over all I like the story. The words seem right...although I wonder about a 14 year old that has a garbage mouth. I couldn't comment on the setting because I've never been there, but as others have said ( and I only read other crits so I don't flog the same dead horse ) the slang seems more yours than someone from Poland would use???? and that horse I think needs flogging. Spelling and grammer mistakes are for proper editing and I won't usually comment on them. But having given the good parts heres the crit....

Pitches; short - good but needs something that I can't suggest.
Long pitch - seems like you're trying to add the something for above, but it makes it more confusing. Maybe start with the basic idea and add plot twists until you can see the story but not the detail. I don' t know?

Pacing - very good through 5 chapters, but I would have liked a bit of a peek at why the parents are the way they are. Nothing big, but are Polish people all miserable or always miserable?

Characters - the descriptions were good, but as I said before....I'm not sure about a 14 yr. old with a garbage mouth, not only with the teacher but with his Father as well.
Point of View - I didn't have any problems with consistency here.
Style - No problems.
Sentence Level - this might be the real problem area. I'm trying to connect to this 14 yr. old boy who swears, at everyone like a drunken sailor and uses large adult words and descriptions. The phrases used to describe the town and people seem fine but words like accusations and ridiculous....when I would think a boy would use stupid for 'ridiculous' .... cause me to disconnect from the story. It's an adult use of words in a boy's mouth.
Dialogue - I can believe it, but some places....like the Father and Mikael conversation in the bedroom....I felt needed to be expanded. Maybe a good place for Father to open up to the boy about his own childhood. Maybe explain why he's a milk toast.

Originality - It's hard to make anything truly original anymore. There have always been stories about fighting neighbours and family issues, but I think what we have to do is make the story interesting and as believeable as possible.

Publishability - I think you have gotten most of the 'Originality' challenge done so with a bit of fine tuning this could easily be a saleable book. Good for you. Keep working. Rick Carter-Squire, Jack, I Am.

Hi Chris,

This is your BHG Crit.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your novel and found myself at the end of Chapter Five before I knew it. I think you have a book with real potential and a very sympathetic character in Mikael, he is certainly the sharpest, wittiest 14 year old narrator I have ever come across. However, I think that your novel still needs some work as you have a couple of problems particulalry with setting it in Albania.

Your pitch reads fine - although I was curious about why the arrival of the cousins was not mentioned?

Your book cover reminds of the cover of the 'Curious Incident of the dead dog in the night' - and you are missing an 's' off the word dogs. I don't know who did it for you, but I can strongly recommend Bradley if you fancy another one...

I enjoyed your opening chapter and loved the scene in the school room. Your MC has a very adult voice and turn of phrase for a 14 year old but I enjoyed the humour so much I soon became comfortable with it. I loved the way you described the teacher and the incident with the class bully. I only found one slightly awkward line, the one which began 'As usual I was our son...' I knew what you were trying to say there, it just didn't work very well.

Despite enjoying reading it, by the end of chapter one I began to realise (with a bit of disappointment) that I was not getting any sense of an exotically different European culture. Your pitch promised me Albania, a little known Moslem country on the edge of Europe. To be honest, Chris, everything you have described could have been set in the far reaches of the Wear Valley. (I have been to Stanhope and beyond ;) The diction, slang and swearing all seemed incredibly British as well. There were no exotically foreign idioms or Albanian dialect phrases as far as I could tell. Have you thought about setting it back in the UK? Mikael's Dad could have been a security guard in Milton Keynes or Slough or somewhere.

Dad also seemed incredibly calm as well about the suspension. I realised later on that the expulsion was only going to last for a week (your pitch seems to hint that it is permanent) but Mikael is obviously a bright lad and I can imagine that his father might have been more worried.

I was rather startled that you rushed over the section where he found the first dead dog. I thought that this deserved far more curiosity, description and explanation from a 14 year old.

Uncle Gerswin seemed very chilled about Flip inheriting the family house which would have been worth a bob or two if sold and divided between the two brothers. However, the hints about boarding school and their exotic travel plans reveal to me that Uncle Gerswin is obviously quite wealthy. Again this is not what I expected from citizens of Albania, which I understand to be the poorest country in Europe.

The dramatic scene in the garden seemed to go on for a long time and was spoilt by the change in font size which crops up a couple of times in your text. I think it could be edited to make it shorter and sharper. I am also not so sure that a boy who stood up to the class bully would lie down in the dirt and piss himself in this situation. Nor am I sure that that he would curl up in bed without demanding an explanation from his parents. I finished Chapter Five - as did he - with no clear idea about what had happened and who had murdered whom.

Overall, though - despite thinking that it should be set in the UK - I enjoyed 'Dead Dog(s)' and intend to star it highly and back it for a while. Good luck for the future.

Best wishes,
Susanna
'Catching the Eagle.'

Brilliant! I love Mikael's wry humour, and his take on the situations he finds himself in. A really strong character/narrative voice. Good luck with this, it deserves to get to the top. Vall

Your narrative voice is very convincing. It remains consistent right through to 7. There are little touches such as his self-criticism which endear him to the reader and round out his character so that he is not just another disadvantaged teenager.

A good, gripping plot and atmospheric scene setting. I think you might work on the first few paragraphs of Ch. 1. Thereafter, the writing gets better and before the end of that chapter, as well as in 2 and subsequent chapters, there's some wonderful imagery. At the start, however, the writing is not nearly as good as later. I think the trouble may be that your sentence structure, sentence by sentence, is too similar. Why not start with the very short trousers in the classroom itself, work backwards to give the readers the situation Mikael finds himself in. By the time he must stand up and introduce himself. the writing flows well.
I loved the description of the girl cousin and various other analogies you give. You could sharpen up your description of the teacher in 1 by comparison.
There's a real sense of archaic mystery set in the poverty of Albania and the crumbling house. I am sure readers would keep turning the pages after 7.
I think I read your other book and liked that too. Well done.
Lara
GOOD FOR HIM

LF40

ch2:

great first paragraph. the transition in the 2nd paragraph is not smooth enough. maybe if you connect the description of the town to their walk home it wouldn't seem like such a distinct scene shift.

cut: "...you get the idea." this line is awkward and unnecessary.

once you shift back to the mother at the door, the rest of the chapter flows smoothly. the dialogue is natural and interesting. i like the unfolding of the father's personality here and the comfortable relationship they have.

'i should explain thing weren't normally this frayed between us..." -i like this bit.

'he'd come home stressed and exhausted"- i'd rather you didn't tell me exactly what emotions he's feeling (especially since we're in the son's pov.) the rest of this description works better.

i didn't like the last line of the chapter. maybe it's the wording- what would soon no longer be- clumsy. i think you need something different here that closes this scene and makes me want to read on- maybe just something sulky in his witty tone.

still enjoying the read. be back later.

LF40
ok, so i've just read your first chapter. if/when there's time, i'll be back and i'll be leaving this on my shelf. your descriptive language is great, your dialogue is realistic AND interesting and you've got a nice balance between narrative and scene.

but easily, the best thing you've got going for you is the witty, original voice of the narrator. love the bit about his mother saying some kids go without trousers and his response. (in his mind at least)

the "bastard hypocrite" bit was another favorite, and that whole description. very well done. your opening grabs my attention and includes enough tiny bits of background- he just moved from poland, his grandfather died, he lives in a big house that seems to have some kind of reputation, his mother is frugal- keeps me interested.

it's a bit of a struggle to find something off in this first chapter. for me, it seemed a bit of a jump in his attitude when he says he's found the town 'shit', but rereading it- i see this shift comes after the kid makes fun of him. there might be a way to make this clear in the first read- some visable cue that a shift is taking place? but mostly, i'm reaching.

good luck with this.

BH crit group
I like the title, but it's different on the cover. Not really important for now though.
The blurb got me intrigued.
I really liked chapter one, it got me hooked and wanting to read on; therefore its a winner.
It did however lose me in chapters 2 and 3, that's as far as I got so far. I can't quite put my finger on why it lost me, I think it's just that the pace slowed right down. The overuse of 'goddamn' irritated me too, but thats subjective and may be what you intended. I had another, very small niggle with the dialouge (which on the whole is very good) and that is that it sounds like an English / american kid speaking and not a polish or Albanian one. Again though, that may be just me.
I do however, like how you set the scene up for the rest of the story which I'm sure I might come back to.

Mark

LF 40

Hi Chris,

OK, I have read all of what you have posted on here and am eager for more.
Dead Dogs is a very interesting title. What is this story going to be about? Your pitch tells of family secrets....But what? Time to start reading.

Mikael is a great character, 7 chapters in and I really like him already. He has a dark wit and a slightly odd imagination. His voice throughout is excellent and some of his lines cracked me up. 'Short Pants Prick Face' almost made me choke on my coffee!
Some fantastic dialogue, keep this up and you are onto a winner for sure.

The pace is a little slow but I like it. The plot is slow to unfold and for me this worked. I want to know what is going to happen next and which direction this tale will go. I will be keeping an eye on this and keep up with new chapters if and when you add them. I am hoping you do.

For now, all I can say is good job and keep it coming. You have me hooked.

A cracking read which should do very well indeed.

All the best,

Simon.
SPW.

Chris a BHCG response. I've no literary training nor have I ever published so feel free to do with these comments as you wish.

OK - pitches long and short. Reasonable, I'm not one who believes they are that important - an agent will rewrite these hopefully. I did notice your categories cover both literary fiction and comedy; that's an odd combination for me. Pure comedy in particular is a tough genre, however a few on Authonomy have made me smile.

First paragraph I did note repetitions; 'as me, as they, as if. Wouldn't normally comment on those but trying to get into the book, it stuck out for me. Once I'm into the read I get taken by the pace. Simply reading out loud to yourself helps pick those up.

It's an interesting opening Chapter that left me with mixed feelings. You write well and I easily visualised the scene you were trying to portray. There's good early development of character, with some nice dialogue for the first person MC. I stopped and read this Chapter twice and here's where it is for me.

We generally pick up a book with at least some indication where the story will take us; and for me story is everything. I've enjoyed the read so far but am trying to understand is this humour of the Tom Sharpe type or... and I separate them deliberately.... is this ... literary fiction... of the foreign type. I was expecting an English kid in Albania and suddenly was struggling to understand why he is Polish in this English language book - I know it was in the blurb but missed that. No serious issues with the writing, but with those preconceived ideas I had prior to the read, I'm unclear what I'm committing to as a reader - do hope that makes sense.

Chapter 2 and I'm left with a similar feeling here. I've no question about the writing now and a part of me wants you to really expand on the descriptions of Kulsh - I'm almost wishing to have a read of 'Kite Runner' here, or an Albanian equivalent, but it isn't that. The dialogue is excellent and you drift from the strong descriptive passages very naturally into the return home discussion with the father - and it works. Perhaps because you've said this is comedy I'm looking for something more.

Chapter 3 and I'm convinced now - I'm seeking to commit here to this as a literary read and not comedy. The subtle jokes fit neatly into the story - the comment about the moustache making him look like a sex offender made me smile. The 'beaten to death with the bloody stumps' didn't. You've introduced me to characters who are growing on me; the MC particularly, but each works. It's the intrigue of the arrival of the cousins and the unknown boy in blue next door, that's leading me into the next Chapter, not the humour.

Chapter 4 short and the ending a great page turner into the fight in Chapter 5. You've met my emotional wish to see the cousins and the people next door develop, but in a way I hadn't imaged. That's good and I find I'm reading quicker now, really enjoying the pace. The confrontation, the hidden reasons behind this dramatic scene are the tug; the comment about the stick insect look-a-like lost something. Keep that pace - I want to know more.

I read all 7 Chapters you have here and from the expectation of a rib chuckler I've arrived at a blood feud in Albania on a Polish family. I'm now more clear what I'm reading and have committed but was slightly confused from the overall categories.

You can certainly write and I like the dialogue in particular. I'd simply scrap the comedy category, cut away a little of it and leave the rest as natural - I don't feel your trying to push this as the Sex Stone of Agassi or "Ive never Been Deader - this is a different read.

My final suggestion is to consider your target audience. I've read this and generally enjoyed it - with some thought I could have really got into this; there's enough intrigue to make the story - and for me story is everything. But an English language book for a Polish family in Albania may need some explanation for an agent to take this on. I'm intrigued as to why you've chosen the subject matter you have.

That's my overall impression - well written and interesting story. Perhaps really consider your target audience for this one - humour? - probably not, but a book with a new angle. One other suggestion if I may - expand on your descriptive scenes just a little. You do those well and I could take on more.

Final final suggestion - I saw after hitting send you've made changes on the basis of feedback. I would do nothing for six months but continue to seek strong comments. Cut and paste those into a word doc and then leave the site while you edit, taking on board the comments but keeping your unique story and voice. Best. Steve.

I love your writing style. The descriptions you use are unique and the personalities of your characters shine through from the moment you introduce them. As a mother of a 14 year old, I can relate to the child’s short temper, imagination and yearning for solitude and independence. You’ve done a great job creating a complex, believable character.

Many thanks to everyone who's read, commented and rated so far. I have tweaked my opening chapters according to your feedback.

Enjoy, and as always I welcome comments!

Cheers,
Chris

Brutal Honesty Review:

I found it a bit of a slow start, took a while to get going. The long descriptive bits early on slowed the pace and were maybe a tad self-indulgent.

The narrative style was kind of inconsistent. It’s presented from the kid’s point of view but also the older narrator looking back, so it keeps jumping between what he’s learning as the new boy but also dropping in observations made in hindsight from his perspective when he’s older. It just felt a bit convoluted. Sometimes he felt old and sometimes young, and the switch between the two was often jarring.

I also found him inconsistent as a character. He’s shy and nervous one minute and then angry and outspoken the next. While we all have different sides to our personalities, presenting him in this fashion right at the start of the book when we are getting to know him was a bit confusing. It may just be that the switches in his emotion need to be transitioned better. Obviously you know him well enough to get his change in behaviour, but from my perspective it was a bit Sybil.

He says about the teacher, she sounded bored, and that the fight was probably the most fascinating thing she’s seen in ages, I couldn’t see how both those things could be true.

She gives him the book about flowers without comment and it felt like a prop, just there so he could hit the kid with it later.

The general tone of the first chapter, his suspension on the first day, works fine, but I think it is slow to get going and there are lots of inconsistencies that make it less smooth than it could be.

Mother made a strong first impression, but the chat with dad was a little drab. I expect it’s meant to be a bit like that to give us an idea of their relationship, but intentional or not, it’s not much fun to read reticent people making small talk, which is how it felt. I liked the cousins, the three of them seemed to have good chemistry.

I think the first part of the book drifts a bit, specifically between the fight at school and the fight with the neighbours. Obviously your setting things up for the big confrontation, which works very well, but getting there was a bit of a chore at times. I would suggest you could do with a little more going on before that point, maybe a subplot, or some sort of side story. The arrival of the cousins is all a bit straightforward and perfunctory at the moment, imo. When things kick off and you have a strong narrative as your backdrop, it all moves along lot better.


regards
mood

http://moodywriting.blogspot.com

An incredible first day at school - if you clobber a bully with a copy of Summer Flowers, does that count as poetic justice, I wonder? I was cheering for your protagonist, though I'm guessing his problems are just about to begin. Your pitch is intriguing - interested to see how this gets spun into the tale you begin. The passive-aggressive nark of a teacher was very well essayed; seems these characters are universal!

Best,

Pat

A charming little read so far.

Think you have a real talent of bringing backstory in without it seeming out of place or boring. I alos think the dialogue flows nicely, so the whole story reads very well. I think you're onto something here and the main character you've created is quite the little man. Should make for a good tale

Good job : )

JB

Hi Chris,
Congratulations on getting published!
Just read to the end of chapter 3 of Dead Dogs. Mikael's inner voice and the opening scene in the class certainly makes for a high impact start. What I liked best about your writing however was the dialogue in chapters 2 and 3, which flows extremely naturally and paints Mikael in a more sympathetic light as well as bringing the other characters to life. The narrative flips from almost slapstick (e.g. the mother going after the headmaster with his globe) to engagingly thoughtful - which is stylistically very interesting although I wonder whether remaining in each mode for slightly longer would made for an even more engaging read, at least for me. In any case the combination of very accomplished writing and a dangerous but likeable lead character is a winning combination and this should do very well.
If you have time to take a quick look at Ambassador 12 would be great to hear what you think.
Best Wishes, Philip

Chris -

Dead Dogs - Mikael's voice had my attention. I even burned my dinner over the 5 chapters :) Faced with a riotous classroom ... into the battle I waded ... a hardened and sharp kid, with visceral and arresting thoughts beyond his years. Check ... Old Mr Jacobs ... he didn't wear them at a choice ... clarify ... not wearing trousers was his choice ... In chapter 2 ... in my first morning ... consider ... during my first morning. And generally, be a little careful with superlatives, comedy is a fine balancing act. Then there is grandfather's spacious house, Mikael's nightmare of falling through the rotten staircase to a dark pitch ... is apt. And re: his father ... every time I looked at him I saw myself in thirty years. That scared the hell out of me .... And yet, there's pride of family. When the uncle and his brood arrive ... I trudged down the creaky wooden staircase in a delibetately slow and casual manner. I hoped it would give me an air of mystery .... Mikael's imagination has a surreal edge ... the only reason the painting was still there was because we couldn't find any ladders to reach it ... The cousin's name, Raef, reads 'fear' in reverse. There is plenty of dark humour. What a deal, one brother gets the house and the other dumps his kids there, with aunt Freida saying ... 'Oh, I'm going to miss you both so much.' ... And the obscure last note of grandad ... Be kind to Louise ... Chapter 5 is intense action. Raef is in dire trouble with the neighours, police arrive, the tension is murderous, and Mikael restrains his hot-blooded cousin, Achemi, from becoming the aim of the neighbour's gun. I'll sure come back if you put up more chapters. Rated highly for now. Pia

Hi. Only had time for the first few chapters. I like your voice (even smiled a few times) and I’m back it. I’ll try to come back for more and in depth commentary. Tell me which chapter you would like me to pay close attention to?
Meantime, could you please check TO KILL A DEAD MAN?
Thanks.
Dan

Excellent writing - I always thought Americans were the only culture that had crazy folks but it is refreshing to know that there are family issues everywhere - even in Albania! Mikael is a memorable character and I am happy to shelve this for a few days! Please support the book I am supporting this month - The Cheech Room, my friend could use the support. Skater

I like the stark way you write, it's got attitude. The kind of attitude I'd imagine your main character to have. I read three chapters but I gotta say that first chapter is great. I like your writing style, very much. I'll try and finish what you have posted but this will go up on my shelf as soon as I can (only a couple ahead of you). This is unique and unique is good!

Awesome job!
Missy

I will challenge myself and read the rest of your book - does it have a happy ending?

I read the first two chapters - whizzed through. Very good. I was a bit put off by the opening as it seemed so grim, but I carried on and liked it. (Charles Dickens has the same effect on me, I was twenty-one before I realised his stories all have happy endings.)

I'm glad to see you also don't get bogged down trying to create ridiculously complex and poetic sentences. I can't be doing with self-important language that's so up it's own ar&e it takes ten minutes to decypher. And you do throw some good images around. My only criticism, (you gave me one, so favour returned), is Mikael a little mature in his thoughts for 14? Did Would you think at that age you would turn into your Dad? I don't think it hit me that I would become my mother (horrifically) until I was about twenty-five.

I have a question - why Albania?

Dark family saga narrated by an independently minded disaffected teen with a talent for descriptive prose. He finds Albanian shopkeepers 'sickeningly friendly' and then 'sucking down a bitter lungful of recycled musk' he takes his seat on his first day in his new Albanian school. The book by Albania's national poet which his teacher drops on his desk 'ejaculates a sooty cloud of dust (how can a cloud ejaculate? - but most of the descriptive prose is top class stuff) before his set to with a classmate which vividly demonstrates this young mans character in action, to say nothing of his mother who goes for the headmaster with a wooden globe. Why Albania though? A better setting for the tragedy of the blood feud story which is being related here would surely be Sicily or Corsica or even the Mani so wonderfully depicted by Patrick Leigh Fermor. Perhaps the Mani is too obscure, a bit like Albania of which we know little. It seems a pretty bleak place to Mikael certainly, but never mind he might have moved there during the Hoxha years. I doubt if his teacher would have been a Miss levingstone then. He is a compelling MC this youth. His first meeting with the cousins is done with great aplomb and each character is so clearly defined and 'visible' that it is no surprise to read from his profile that we are in the hands of a published/award winning author. I am looking forward to hearing more of Mikael, Leon, Raef, Achemi, sundry parents and grandparents as well as the besa (solemn oath) and the hakmari ( take blood) if this blood feud gets going and Albanians still talk the language they talked when Paul Theroux visited eighteen or so years ago. Definitely one to watch this.

DEAD DOGS

COVER: its a very nice MS Paint image. Let me know if I can help you out with another. http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/51100/free-book-cover-/

TITLE: I like it!

SHORT PITCH: V good...really has me interested

LONG PITCH: You might cut this into a couple shorter punchy paragraphs. Its a decent summary of what happens but doesn't quite sell it as well as it might. (sorry)

TEXT: In the opening paragraph I paused to think what the "noise" was that was like a shotgun blast, I could be a lame reader, probably am, but it wasn't immediately clear to me that you meant the chatter of the classroom, especially because I wouldn't think of that kind of noise being like a shotgun blast.
There's a font size shift you might want to fix in this first chapter.
I always enjoy it when the bad guy has beef flavored breath...this is good.

I like the whole scene of chpt 1, part of me is questioning who your audience is. This opening chapter feels somewhat YA but I don't see your genres having that listed.

chpt2 I'm trying to envision what her setting upon him with his globe would look like? seems just a bit unlikely.

I can envision this taking place in many places, if you said it was set in the US I wouldn't question it, good universal tone.
Part of me wishes there were...more to the plot line from the start, other than, boy moves to new place, gets in trouble at school, has a disfunctional home life, etc. Something that really set it apart, more than your well crafted words. From the pitch I can see other interesting twists take place but there seems to be a lot of the...hm, not ordinary exactly, not expected exactly, not cliched exactly but hovering close to some of those.

anyway...don't listen to me.
This is good stuff...
Best of luck,
-=Bradley

"In crept inside and eased the door shut behind me. Glancing around, I could tell every seat had been filled."

or

'I crept inside and eased the door shut behind me, then glanced around." Pay attention to the rhythm of the your story telling. count syllables, not words when considering flow.


“…scorched my innards…” You are narrating this without a clear device for irony or metaphor. Consequently this seems, and your reader will take this literally, and be immediately bewildered. The line takes away from the credibility of your narrative as you will have a hard time explaining how a light bulb “actually” burnt your internal organs. Be careful what you say and make sure it makes sense. Too much wandering art and drama will detract from realism if it strays far or often from common experience.

You have a fine voice and story telling ability. Your flow is off though and some of your expressions are awkward or perplexing to the reader. You need to hone your intuition for when a sentence wants to end, and when it wants to go on. Your syllable count and your rhythm inform on your flow and you must learn to “feel” when a sentence is too short or long for the rhythm of a passage. Link narrative elements together when you can for increased flow. If a sentence is long break it up. When you break up a long sentence, one of the fragments will likely fall short of your meter and flow, this is the best place to add detail-derive syllables, and the most seamless place to add world and character building development.


You have a strong voice and premsie here, and an interesting narrative style. Yhugh this is a bit rough I'm going to back it because i it was a very compelling story and kept me reaing. And that is all we can really hope for. I think you need to polish, and hone your intuition--but I can see you are a good writer and a serious one with an imporant story to tell. Goodluck with your manuscript I wish you the best of luck with it.


cheers
blueboy

Hi Chris,
This was an honor to read--so polished and brilliant. Although only having read the first two chapters (time constraints of the morning), the quality is undeniable. Loved the bits of mirth. I'd rather sew my toes together. "I'd like to see you try." That was a big lie. Immediate sympathy for Mikael. Great premise. I've recently read a bit about Albania and am interested in reading more of your unique and well-crafted story. WL and stars (6) for now.
Cheers!
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Well, I feel a bit stupid commenting on someone's book when that someone clearly has a far greater literary background than I, but I guess that's what you came for so here goes:

I really liked your pitch. Anything set in eastern Europe is generally a big draw for me and the events, names and characters you have in there are very evocative.

Your writing is very polished and there's a sense of levity and humour throughout that only really clears in chapter 5 - that short trouser stuff in chapter 1 was good chat. You created a sense of portent and intruige in the first chapter with the pupils' reaction to Mikael and who his grandfather was - and this creeps in again at the end of chapter 5. That's where it really started to get interesting for me actually - just where you've left off. The family has to deal with something terrible and I'd have been interested to see how you dealt with that after the more or less jovial feel to the first four chapters.


There were just two things I wasn't so keen on

1. Each of the first 4 chapters ends with a sentence obviously designed at portent. A good device as a page-turner but it started to feel a little repetitive.

2. The use of contemporary idiomatic English phrases that popped up now and then, for example where Mikael says he doesn't want to be the class bitch in chapter 1. Because we are being narrated to by an Albanian this just jarred for me a little and served to lift me out of the setting. And, although it's not exactly new slang, Mikael's frequent use of 'bloody' had the same effect for me. I know there's probably an Albanian equivalent and this could just be translation but 'bloody' has always just struck me as a very British word so every time it surfaced it had that jarring effect for me. There's a good chance this is just me though. I'm a language teacher and lexicographer so these things always stick out for me. For a reader not in my line of work it may well not be an issue.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this a lot and was impressed by the ambitious nature of the setting and plot. I'd be intruiged to know where the story goes from here.

Reading back on what I've written I don't think I've captured how much I enjoyed this. I liked pretty much everything other than the two small points I've noted: the characters, the setting, the plot slowly unfolding. Spending too much time on the negatives may just be a symptom of me living in Germany.

All the best with this. I hope it brings you as much success as your previous efforts - and huge congrats on that success by the way!

Ross

Chris,
You have such a compelling plot outlined in your synopsis to Dead Dogs. Mikael's experiences create an enthralling account and you bring the reader into the moment with your descriptions and dialogue. I've rated Dead Dog with six stars and look forward to seeing the complete work.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

You write with clear and descriptive imagery. I have a real sense of understanding Mikael and what he faces. Please give "Just Out of Sight" a read. I hope to be on your bookshelf soon.
I like what you've posted so far,
Craig (Bandof1)

You write with clear and descriptive imagery. I have a real sense of understanding Mikael and what he faces. Please give "Just Out of Sight" a read. I hope to be on your bookshelf soon.
I like what you've posted so far,
Craig (Bandof1)

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it :) - let me know. :) Love, Susie :)