The Legacy of the Swords

DUDE! this gets better and better with every read! :) thumbs up! You have condensed this well.
I'll give my friend Chris a nudge as see what he thinks.
~G

Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, Relic Hunter, National Treasure and heaven knows how many other 'clones' - and yet somehow you managed to come up with something here that feels original, with a lively, intriguing beginning. And you start with the word 'insomnia', which as I always like to say, is a constant bedfellow of mine. So I had to read on. Now, this is no criticism, but there's something in the tone of this that suggests to me Young Adult readership. Lines like 'The house was floating in the air like a balloon' contribute towards that impression - but, and I can't stress this enough, that is no bad thing. Part of the art of writing a book is finding the right target audience for your material and, dependent on what you have going on in the rest of the book - whether there's too much adult material later on or not, I don't know - this strikes me as ideal Young Adult adventure material. So if I were you, based on what I've read so far, I'd be looking to make a few edits, trim a bit here and there to really bring that Young Adult tone that I'm already detecting to the fore. Obviously you know your book better than I do, so take that under advisement and feel free to ignore me! :) But there can be little doubt you've a fun adventure here. Good luck with it and I'll give you a bookshelf nudge up the rankings in recognition of that commercial appeal I see in this.

I'm very impressed with this story and the pace. I was in chapter 3 before I knew it. I really enjoyed the scene with the grill. you described it so that I could imagine that it happened. I like Jason, I think he'd be a great movie character. It does seem a story (as someone else pointed out) aimed at teenager (it's just the awkward interactions and reactions...like someone figuring things out the first time, but trying to act as if it was normal) but there is a lot for everyone else to absorb and enjoy.

The writing was also very good and I didn't see any glaring problems.

Good Luck with your book.

Armen (Urtaru)

Hi Jonathon. I noticed your cover and your summary was interesting. Great introduction for Jason Clark. A hero. As I read your first chapter, I appreciated how you targeted your summary to fit with your excerpt. American Indians are interesting and your set up of Pre-Columbian artifacts is clear and easy to digest. I was a Fine Arts major and love preserved artifacts. You share your clever wit throughout with sayings such as, lacking in common sense, and twitching alertness. You fulfill reader expectations by showing us the sword at the end of chapter 1. A well set up mystery for a great read. On my shelf. Good luck. Janet Marie

YA group (playing catch-up after spring break.)
Wow, great opening, really draws you and makes you want to read more to find out what's happening. And great work with te descriptions and stuff, I am really abel to see what is going on. And the part where Jason finds the sword, I find it really surprising how he didn't just run down there and start messing with it right away, but I guess researcher first XD well good luck with this.

oni

Hello! I really enjoyed the first section of the battle scene. I was pulled along with it, hoping that the soldiers could get out of it. Great job. One thing that I would read through is the use of the same words in a paragraph. One that stands out is the first paragraph. You use unbroken, break, broken. Maybe try coming up with some other words that say what you want but aren't the same variation. I had a hard time figuring out if the battle scene was in the past, present or future and if the bad guys were human or not. Other wise great start to your novel. I like the action and good luck!

Chad

Hi,

YA list member here. I read the first chapter of your work and found it interesting. You certainly have a right-on premise for your genre. And I see a good adventure shaping up here. I also enjoyed the humorous moments, such as the cooking discussion.

There were times when it was hard for me to visualize what was happening. I know that talking about adjectives can be a point of contention, but it's harder for me to visualize "giddily scurried" than it is for me to visualize a description of his scampering, for instance.

Seems like Jason is in for quite a ride. Good stuff.

Hi Jonathan:

I'm one of the YA List 2 readers. I've read the first couple of chapters of The Legacy of the Swords, and it seems already that this is an action-packed read. Having the discovery of the two swords juxtaposed together so quickly generates interest and adds to the forward momentum of the story

I'm not a language Nazi by any means, but I wanted to call your attention to a few things I found in the first chapter that might put a careful reader off. They are instances of what I consider to be imprecise writing. In the second sentence, for instance, wouldn't it be more accurate to say that "The sky was nearly an unbroken sea of black, where only the full moon could break through the shadowed veil"? An "unbroken sea of black" states clearly that nothing has broken it. I think, too, that the entire first paragraph is overly vague, not giving the reader any concrete grounding in a particular setting.

Here's another example of imprecise language. In the first sentence of the sixth paragraph, you write: "A half-dozen more explosions shook the bunker, one landing directly on the roof." A "mortar round" can "land" on a roof, but we don't generally refer to an explosion landing anywhere. I'm sorry for being so nitpicky; it's the result of teaching writing for too many years.

On a stylistic matter, It occurred to me while reading Ch. 1 that the opening might be better if the book started with Sergeant Nichols in the hospital bed, then flashed back to the battle. But that's just a stylistic choice.

You certainly have an interesting cast of characters in the first chapter, especially Jason, whose discovery of the sword is a good hook for Ch. 2 and the discovery of the second sword. All in all you seem to have worked out a good plan for your novel, and I wish you success with it.

Best,
Rob

Hi Jon,

First off, I think the blurb is excellent, really made me want to read the story. Like the way you start with action. Can’t stand those books that take years to get going. I got the impression we were in one of the world wars. That right, or is it a fictional war or some other? I think your style is comfortable. Maybe the chapters are a tad too long, but that’s just for my preference; I know some books that have chapters double the length of yours. I read that comment you had a while back that tore you to shreds. Is this the same book I’m reading? There are books on here that I don’t like but I’d never write a shitty thing like that on their boards. Egos. I wonder if their books are error-free?

Anyhow, this was a decent read and I’m gonna give you my backing. I think the concept is strong and I immediately found myself thinking, ‘How the hell didn’t I think of something like this?’ Good luck with this, man.

Steve ;>

Hi Jonathan,
First, so you know where I'm coming from, I deliberately didn't read the blurb.
The opening section particularly 'light of any sort....these days.' indicates to me some kind of futuristic setting. As does the age of the men, and the fact that their previous lives weren't important. The blend of this sense of future with common details eg - the concrete bunker is effective.
I do have a few suggestions for this section, that (imo) would tighten it up. - 'Only the full moon.... even the sun...' refs weaken the force of 'unbroken sea of black' and the moon one isin any case contradictory, so I's suggest removing them and going straight to 'Light of any sort..'
You do also stray into TELL territory on occasions - eg - 'most deranged situation imaginable.' and this could benefit from 'pruning' to increase impact. Eg - the section beginning 'Most were young...' could profitably be cut to - 'Most were young, barely past their 18th birthday, their previous lives no longer important.'
Ditto 'Then it began. A distant muted thump, no louder than a suppressed cough. The men leapt for cover. Seconds later an explosion, less than twenty metres away. More thumps. The artillery barrage had begun.' I hope these show you what I mean.
I was caught up in the depiction of the onslaught - the attackers ' streaming out of the forest like bees from a hive' - superb image, ditto 'wall of attackers' / 'pulse from a sub-woofer' This whole scene is very visual and effective
Jason's story again would benefit from pruning - eg suggest - 'There was a full moon (tonight he noticed and though all the lights had been turned off for the night the moon still bathed the land in) which gave enough light to see by.' - If you wanted to expand it a little you could say 'full moon riding high' or something like that. / the whole para beginning 'It wasn't like he had anything better to do..' doesn't add anything (imo)
Like the addition of a Russian archaeologist - and his line 'I did not know it was possible to burn water..'
The finding of the sword - again a prune to make the impact stronger would help, but I liked the fact that he couldn't touch it. - Interested to see how you solve that problem.
I hope that these comments are helpful, I did feel that your best writing was in the attack scene - are there more of them to come?
Anyway good luck with this,
Margaret
and looking for examples of TELL -'Such a thing is exceedingly strange...'

Jon

This is a different approach, which immediately caught my attention. I´ve read three chapters and decided to comment.

Nitpicks. The battle scene is great but it seemed a mix of ages and technology. At first I thought it had a First World War feel, then you used klicks, although you did have a Gatling Gun, but afterwards there were AA batteries. Next in the desert we had computers. Now as I go further this may well be explained, but it sort of confused me.

Good stuff. Loved the premise. It sorted of mixes the Wizard of Oz, Indiana Jones, Highlander and so much more. As I moved through the chapters I got more involved and will be reading it to the end, which for me is a good sign.

As I say, the premise is great. Shelved.

Cheers

Rayo

From what I have read so far, you hooked me right in. The action in the beginning hooks a reader right in, and I like how you are very descriptive without being over the top. You paint a vivid picture.

Hi Jon. I loved the premise of this, and I'm a sucker for anything even vaguely archeological. Add swords and you've immediately got me hooked!
The things I really liked were the opening scene and the tension it invoked. Also the way you didn't even try to describe the Swordsman or how he did what he did. That mystery would obviously unravel with the story.
Your description of Jason finding the sword struck a chord with me as it's similar to my MC Taran trying to lift the Staff. Jason's experiences with the sword also echo Taran's with the Staff. All good!
I particularly liked the effect of a sneeze.
There are some areas which I think need attention. The first is your chapter lengths. Personally, I'd have ended ch1 with 'to have changed your life forever.' Ch 2 was overlong as well and I think you could easily amalgamate some of the scene-jumps and make three coherent chapters out of two rather 'bitty' ones. Just my opinion, though!
Another area that needs looking at is your POV. One minute you seem to be using the 'universal narrator' who sees all, knows all. Then you write from Jason's POV, but phrases like 'like that would matter in about five seconds' and 'still, as he was about to find out' pulls us back out. I think you need to find one aspect and stick to it.
In ch1, 'even the sun could only muster a paltry twilight' threw me as it was night-time. If you must mention the sun, you could say, 'even in daytime, the sun could only...' etc.
'one's previous life' sounds terribly pretentious and out of character for the story. 'but *their* previous lives'?
'The Sergeant waved..' waved is too light a word here. Gestured? And army ranks should only be capitalized when being used to address someone. I.e., 'the general said, 'Sergeant, look lively.'
Watch your use of exclamation marks. Let the narrative imply them rather than showing them on the page.
'depicted a place that a god supposedly rested..' should be *where* a god..
I wondered about *thusly*?
In ch2, where you have the sword "burned" with violet flames..' putting words in inverted commas takes the reader out of the scene. Try to describe exactly how the sword looks rather than using " to imply it.
But despite these nit-picks, Jon, I liked what you have here. It's a bit different and I think it has a lot of potential. I'm going to give it a whirl on my shelf and see how it goes.
I'd love your comments on King's Envoy, see if you see the similarities I saw!
All the best,
Cas.

Jonathan
At last a SciFi story that doesn't feel like one. The prologue was so alive, I could imagine it as a movie. Well done!
* Chap 1. para 1 is a great opener. I just wondered whether the "to be" in "night to be broken" was superfluous.
* Paras 5 and 6 have "began" and "begun" in them. Possibly remove "had begun" from para 6.
* "A half-dozen" could possibly be "half a dozen"
* I liked "A staccato of rounds peppered..."
* "...resigned despair..." made me stop. Does despair resign? How about "despair of resignation" or simply "despair"?
* I liked the "truck running like a Siberian Husky". But should Huskey be capitalised? Not sure.
* Chap 2. "Then he proceeded to keel over and pass out." Do we need "proceeded"?
* I liked the imagery of "gossamer veil, barely pushing back the black curtain of night." However a word of caution: you clearly are a wordsmith, but the style needs to be consistent and this seemed to be over engineered compared with most of the rest. Think about it.

OK that's it. I'm impressed and will give you a spell on the shelf ASAP.

Murray
http://authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=4594

WoW this is really adventurouse,
You have a talent for a good description,
Your story is great, very gripping
I can see it become a movie or something ;),
by the way, what the year of the story? I couldn't tell?

Best of luck,
Kimmy

I love starting a book in the middle of a battle scene. It can be so difficult to describe a scene when you only have 5 people in the room much less a thousands on the battlefield. Great job! Shelved.
I mainly just wanted you to rework your intro. Here are my notes but notice I'm mostly just cutting and reordering a tiny, tiny bit. I'll email a few other minutia notes to you.
1. The night was deathly silent. That’s a great first line but let’s make it unforgettable. I would first take out “deathly” not because it’s an adverb but because “deathly silent” today just means very quiet. People don’t even hear death in there anymore, do they? So play with that and come up with something completely unique and unexpected. For example, “The night smelled like death” or “The smell of loss filled the night.” WAIT! I see it right there in your third sentence. “The sky was a sea of black.” Huh. That’s really good. Thing about that as your first sentence. Play with that. You could even set the next clause off as a sentence -- “Not even the stars shown anymore.”
2. “The moon was only visible when it was nearly full.” First, I’d take out “nearly” and make this visual--something like, “Even the full moon was lost in it and the sun only managed a sort of twilight.” Or something like that. (If the moon wasn’t visible then the stars surely weren’t so you could perhaps eliminate the “not even the stars shown anymore.”
3. Love the last two sentences of paragraph one.
4. Second para--consider tagging that last sentence along with the first. I love that last sentence. “Under a roof of hardened concrete, two dozen men huddled against the walls, shivering in silence.
Great job!

Well, this really sucked me in. The battle scene is a helluva beginning (air strikes and a Gatling gun? is the latter a generic term? I thought they were way old things), and by the time I got to the brilliant simile of the faces of the men after an explosion looking like kids at Christmas, I figured 'This guy can write'.

Though I think the piece could do with a bit of careful editing, I have to admit that the rhythm, the flow, the descriptive power and the story itself are real good. The discovery of the first sword is intriguing, the second opens up the possibility of something bad here. It seems that there's a huge scope to this story, a great deal of excitement (the old school kind) and a damn good read all in all.

I'm going to back this.

Good luck with it.

Simon

Hi Jonathan,

This has me wanting to read and read until I can no longer see out of mine eyes. Its fairly written and simply put alluring, vividness and writing that hooks me like a fish.

I'll read more when I need to stop reading from a screen all day and hopefully you can read The Mage King that is my piece of writing.

Cheers,
RC.

DUDE! this gets better and better with every read! :) thumbs up! You have condensed this well.
I'll give my friend Chris a nudge as see what he thinks.
~G

This is a really great way to begin the story. Vivid, fast-paced action, colourful description, and the odd witty comment make this a thoroughly enjoyable beginning.

However, it all washes over as mere events, with little relation to how the characters fit in. You need to ground them more firmly. There's also too much telling going on when it comes the archaeology team- the character introductions read like 'bio' paragraphs. It would be better if you showed us how the characters behave, rather than give a neat little description.

You've got off to a great start- stronger characterization will make this go far.

Jonathan,

Simon (4dprefect) took away my intro! I was going for the exact same kind of start..

This really is Indiana Jones meets Saving Private Ryan (or any other war film) etc.. I notice other people have been a bit critical of your writing so far. I have to say, I simply loved it. The opening is fantastic, really whacks the reader straight into the action, and the whole transfer of Jason by Jon's bedside to him in Montana finding the sword was great.

You've clearly got a great imagination, and this story has a lot of potential. I'd buy it on the first chapter. I do have some other points about your writing though. Basically, I think your style is great, really engaging. It does just need a 'polish' (forgive the cheesy word, it's become annoying on here now but it says what it means).
In the very first paragraph you mention the word 'Even' four times. That needs to be cut down and changed, it'll sound much better. In the 2nd para, you put 'their eyes anxiously darted...' - I'd go with their eyes darted anxiously...' instead, it sounds better, at least in my humble opinion.

There are other bits and bobs that need sorting, but a good edit and readthrough will do the trick I think. I really enjoyed reading this and sounds like something I would definitely buy, so this goes on my shelf. Good work!

Oli (Joe)

Hi Jon, I think this is a good first effort, reading through your recent comments, I think they are a bit harsh.

I think your beginning is great, it’s good to open a book with an action scene, and we can meet the characters later. I don’t even see many edits to be done, there are books on here that require much more. I do like your story and think you've done a good job telling it. I admit I've only read the first two chapters, but I liked them.

You have an interesting plot here, one that few readers of adventure, fantasy and YA literature could resist. However, this is obviously a first draft, and I think it needs some editing or even a rewrite to make it work as a novel. The first scene is action-packed, but since we know little or nothing of the characters at the time when their fight for survival is taking place, we are not compelled to care for them. I am sorry for putting this so ruthlessly, but we need to see their faces first (and that would involve a considerable amount of information beside 'white, black or Hispanic') in order to perceive them as human and worthy of compassion.

One thing that may prevent a potential reader from appreciating your plot is the overabundance of words (somebody must have written that before me, I suppose). Your blurb is a good example: 'a new, dangerous evil' is simply not an option - evil is dangerous by definition, so 'dangerous evil' does not work. If you go through your text once and try to prune the unnecessary words, the effect will be incredible. Because - and this is important to keep in mind - you have a great plot here. It's only that, like any jewel, it needs some cutting and polishing.

I've glanced at a few of your previous comments,
I agree that some editing needs to be done. Your words struggle over each other for importance, making it difficult, as the reader, to choose which ones to hold to the mental picture. Essentially, it leaves me forgetting what I've just read--- not so good. So a good pare down would be most helpful.

Secondly, I'm no writing instructor, but I noticed an over usage of 'was'- 'were'. This verb helps to tell a story, but you need to make use of the other verbs (already in you sentences, but rendered useless in some cases) to show what is happening more than telling. If you have a printout of your first chapter, try going through and circling all forms of 'to be' and you will notice the excess.

Thirdly, you seemed too anxious to give each character's history as soon as they were introduced. No doubt, some of that information is helpful off the back, but to dedicate a whole paragraph, or two, to such not only stops the action flow of the story, but throws off the reader's train of thought. Like in real life, we should learn about your characters a little at a time, noticing the brown hair pulled back in a pony-tail and the dark rings of sleeplessness one day, and the perpetually stained shirt and dirty fingernails on another-- or whatever. You get the idea. Too much at once is harder to hold on to.

Lastly, and most important, this story has obvious potential. Do not stop working on it.
I'll keep you on my WL.

MAP

Hey Jonathan, this novel has great, great promise. I love anything that has to do with digs and discoveries and crazy events that happen as a result. The Mummy, old Chrichton (sp?) books, etc. Love it. So your novel is right up my alley. And your ability to write a sentence and tell a story is very good as well. Great potential.

Your opening scene is very intriguing and opens up a lot of questions that the reader wants to know anwers to, and then you oblige by going into the discovery of the sword. What I gather is that, within 5 years of discovering the sword, the world has gone to hell in a handbasket. no more sun, no more light, constant fighting with deranged, potentially alien invaders... and the only thing that beats them, pulverizes them is a sword that acts like a nuclear bomb that only kills the baddies... Great premise, just needs a little tuning to make it more believable.

I made some notes along the way. Hope they help. If not, just chuck em.

--great start, makes me wonder where and when this is happening, though it must be very far in the future to have issues with sunlight

--so if its so far in the future, they really only have rifles and hide in a concrete building protected by sandbags. Seems too current...

--you alternate between them being relatively safe and the medic attending to more and more wounded. When you mean safe, you mean safe from complete annihilation rather than partial? This feels like WW2 scene, yet with the sky and all...

--when the enemy infantry is coming, you're using too many pronouns. I get a little confused on who is who from sentence to sentence (they and them being both the defenders and the attackers). Had to read it a couple times to get it right.

--I'm surprised the Swordsman would have such an average name - Jason Clark. apparently he's just a normal everyday guy.

--so where and when is this? The fighting I mean. I'm frustrated...

--ok a big long flashback. We get to find out what happened. But it takes too long for anything to happen here. Kind of slow moving, really.

--oh the word unruly again. Is it possible that EVERY book on authonomy has a character with 'uruly' dark hair? Sorry, but this is like the 20th straight book I've read with that word describing someone's hair. Usually the hero's.

--really, they're on a dig, worried about losing funding and someone FINDS something...and the rest of the guys shrug him off and go back to sleep? Is that the way it happens?

--try to use fewer its and theys and thems and theres... be more specific so the reader never has to guess what you're referring to.

Again, great idea. Just need editing for better execution.

Good luck!
Dave

Sorry. I don't know why that went through twice.
Nancy

This is undoubtedly going to get me into trouble (editorial comment: If anyone wants to tell me their true opinion of our books, go ahead) but I don't see where the standard gushing comments below are going to help you.
First, I cannot stop reading your first chapter because it is a classic train wreck. It is so excruciatingly awful that it is fascinating. Your paragraphs beat themselves to death. Your characters are contrived to be quirky and different. Characters follow Heisenberg: you can't know everything about them and you definitely cannot always know what they will do. Relax, let them do it.
You have a decent idea for a story, at least as far as I've read. However, you write about things that you don't know. Sergeants for example always know what to do in a battle. That's their job. The other half of the team says you have no concept of combat (you lucky bastard.) Write about things you know, have experienced or at least talk to someone who has.
My daughter the archaeologist is prepared to kill you for the "crack team of archaeologists" and the dinosaur skeleton. Pre-Columbian refers to Meso-American not Montana and the thought of metal swords in that era makes her apoplectic.
Have you read much literature from the perspective of how it was written? How did the author do it? Try Poe, London...
In my opinion, you can probably write. Work at it.
Nancy and Luther

This is undoubtedly going to get me into trouble (editorial comment: If anyone wants to tell me their true opinion of our books, go ahead) but I don't see where the standard gushing comments below are going to help you.
First, I cannot stop reading your first chapter because it is a classic train wreck. It is so excruciatingly awful that it is fascinating. Your paragraphs beat themselves to death. Your characters are contrived to be quirky and different. Characters follow Heisenberg: you can't know everything about them and you definitely cannot always know what they will do. Relax, let them do it.
You have a decent idea for a story, at least as far as I've read. However, you write about things that you don't know. Sergeants for example always know what to do in a battle. That's their job. The other half of the team says you have no concept of combat (you lucky bastard.) Write about things you know, have experienced or at least talk to someone who has.
My daughter the archaeologist is prepared to kill you for the "crack team of archaeologists" and the dinosaur skeleton. Pre-Columbian refers to Meso-American not Montana and the thought of metal swords in that era makes her apoplectic.
Have you read much literature from the perspective of how it was written? How did the author do it? Try Poe, London...
In my opinion, you can probably write. Work at it.
Nancy and Luther

Jonathan,
Awesome seeing that Kate backed you and left such nice comments. She is very thorough! I am glad for you :-) You will surpass me in no time.
Gina

Hi Jon! This is an exciting, detailed adventure that ended up making me read twice as much as I'd intended (I've read through chapter 4 now and will be back for the rest when time allows -- there was NO WAY I could back away from seeing that underground chamber once you cliffhung me with the prospect of it!!!).

I'm not usually a fan of framing devices, but I think the intro works very well here. The glimpse of the future (and its unresolved conflict...presumably to be settled at the end of the book) leaves us NO DOUBT as to the issue of how the SECOND sword is going to play out (MAYBE Dhatri's reaction could be explained away...although of course the dark effect on Khadenei really couldn't...but we wouldn't be sure just how far the evil would spread if we hadn't seen it with our own eyes). And the scene is a strong one, with touches of weirdness that kept me unsettled. Okay, the desperate stand in a bunker is a familiar one -- but the mix of weapons told me something was SERIOUSLY up other than the dire situation just right there. We clearly had to have been, at the MOST, not too far in the past (as it turns out, we're a bit in the future) with the RPG -- but the men are firing with rifles rather than machine guns for THIS kind of work? And the machine gun they do have...is a GATLING GUN??? So this hodgepodge of weapons really reeks of absolute-bottom-scraping-last-ditch-defense stuff for the culture as a WHOLE, not just that one bunker, and set the scene nicely. And the enemy have eyes whose whites have been filled with black -- a simple visual with a really strong creepy effect. And then -- the piece de resistance -- a guy with a SWORD is coming. HAHAHA, so there *is* a weapon more antiquated than a Gatling gun in play -- and everyone's excited about it??? And then Jason does what he does -- an AWESOME introduction for the sword!!

The kind-of-geeky, kind-of-ordinary, unusual-only-for-being-smart Jason makes a great choice for our hero; it's easy to trust that he would be CAPABLE of handling the responsibility that chooses him, but it's also easy to see that it's not a role that's natural to him, and once I learned even a little about his five-years-in-the-past self, there was no question in my mind about why he bore some bitterness about his role. The guy who likes scraping off minute layers of dust for backbreaking hours in isolated Montana, or who doesn't even want his picture taken by National Geographic, is not the guy who wants to be a famous and idolized savior of the world, even if he won't back down from the responsibility. The dialogue between Jason and his friends is a particular strength here, I think -- it's both funny and demonstrates that they're a sharp set of people. And the story has a strong sense of adventure and discovery (we travel ALL OVER the place, and we're not through yet, by a long shot!).

The writing was mostly smooth, with some nice observations and even touches of poetry to keep it vivid. While I am not one of those people who advocates annihilating as many adjectives and adverbs as humanly possible (in fact, I have rather a fondness for both, even though my stance isn't really currently in favor), I think it could use a pass for deleting some unnecessary phrases and clauses and so forth. Also, a few of the scenes (as when Jason and Tom are heading through NY to the museum for the first time) seemed a bit longer than necessary; we got local color enough through the amusing and spot-on kosher pizza, and the rest of their journey, and details like that they were early but could be fit in anyway, seemed low-relevance enough that they could safely be dispensed with. You've already drawn a strong scene that we can feel -- the elaboration wasn't needed to keep us in it!

There was one minor consistency glitch in the Dhatri scene, I think, when the overseer first throws the sword in the back of his truck cab and then, after killing Dhatri, takes the sword from Dhatri and throws it in the back of the truck. I didn't see Dhatri retrieving the sword being mentioned, although maybe I missed it! And for another nitpick, when Jason first finds the sword -- okay, digging on his own that way is not just "unconventional" for modern archaeological practices -- it is grossly negligent. A career-destroyer. They're looking for something THAT IMPORTANT, and he just chucks spadefuls of dirt to the side and goes thumping in like Schliemann -- LOOTERS work that way, but even very excited archaeologists don't! It DESTROYS the provenance of the piece to go about it like that, and Jason would be well aware of this -- one idea is that maybe the sword doesn't need to be uncovered, but after Jason tracks down the purple light, the sword is in a hillside and there's a rockfall, revealing it. (He might conceivably -- it would still be somewhat rash, but probably defensible -- just pick the artifact up from that.) And, my last nitpick! I think that the sword should GLOW at first, but that's it. While the scenes of Jason thrashing around in the wilderness having a high old time and then practically earning a Darwin Award are entertaining, it seemed unlikely to me that the sword would be treated in such an off-handed manner afterwards if everyone knew these things about it. So I think something that might work would be purple light for at first (which the museum blows off, despite Jason's and Tom's protestations, as an effect of light reflected from the stones), then the revealed writing, and save the REAL pyrotechnics for later!

Anyway, such are my initial thoughts -- this is fabulous work and an engrossing story, and I think this is another one of those books I've stumbled into here that has a lot of commercial potential! Thanks very much for the chance to read it, and I'm looking forward to the rest -- and best of luck!!!

watchlisted until after Turkey consumption ceases.

Hey Jonathan. I've just finished reading chapter 1: Great battle scene, definitely the highlight of chapter 1 - fast and clear without confusing anything. I love the overall concept of the novel too – magic and military might mixing it together in our time. Fantastic. Definately going to keep it on my watchlist.

As to critical feedback… the chapter begins with four paragraphs of description explaining the situation. IMO, it might be better to start with the action and let that show us the situation. The beginning also has no POV character, which divorces us from the story and forces you to tell us everything.

The second part begins much the same – six full paragraphs of infodump and description etc. before the he even speaks, and then more of the same. It may or may not be information we need, but it's still infodump. Considering the blurb, I'm not sure any of it's important to the rest of the story.

The remainder of the chapter finally moves onto what's important – discovering the sword, but it's extremely wordy. You could easily halve it. Ie, what's the point of going through the dream, only to have him do it all again? He could easily wake up and recall events from the dream as he goes along without us having to go through it twice. Much creepier that way too. Would keep us curious/tense.

The one thing I'm unsure about is why you chose this structure. How important is the sergeant to the rest of the novel? Is he just a tool to allow you to tell some backstory. Have you considered other ways of telling it? Hopefully I'll get the time to read some more soon, but unless the beginning (ie, Sergeant etc) is important to the end somehow, there's no need for it.

Anyway, they're my thoughts after reading chapter 1. Hopefully they're useful to you. I'll be back to read more as I get the time.

Cheers
Chris

Hi Jonathon,
I was trying to think how to phrase my comments constructively and then I read what Pierre wrote. He's right, you know. This has so much going for it- great storyline, really action-packed (and you describe action very well) and some great characters. There are some drop-dead brilliant phrases which show that you have a great ear for language- i liked 'scrawny wretch of a man' best but also thought that the paragraph in which Jason first learns how to control the sword was done really well. So- you are a writer. You have all the instincts for a narrative and clearly love words.
Do you fence? If not, could i suggest you enrol in a class. Though modern fencing is very different there is still a culture and set of basic lores and skills which could help you immensely . I know Justin Somper had some lessons to get a couple of scenes absolutely right for his vampirate books
I think it needs a bit of work but it is going to repay you in the end -keep working on it and paring it down. I've been working on and off on Sim for nearly five years and I can certainly still see places that need attention.
I'm going to shelve 'Swords' on my revolving bookshelf.

only you would use the word "ziggurat"! lol

Jonathan, This is way better, In my opinion! Even with the slight recap from ch 1 to ch 2 when they are all awakened and the house is floating.

cool. I will come back again. I plan to , to read more and to give opinions on updates.

Also.... I would do a plug if I were you useing some quoets of what people have said. Use some of what 4dprefect said because most people know who Simon is. Just a hint.
Gina

Dear Jonathon,

What do I say to a boy young enough to be my grandson, a physics student at that? When I'm just a hayseed who went to farm school? Do not follow in my footsteps, Jonathon. Do not write the way I used to write.

I have just bookshelved Legacy for you. But that's for you, not for the book.

I wrote my first novel much like Legacy. When I sent it to London, Michael Sissons, managing director of A D Peters and Co chewed my head off. Overwritten, flowery, bloated descriptions, adjectives and adverbs sprinkled like raisins in a fruit cake. He even used the ludicrous. Can you imagine how I felt? Cut your words back by thirty percent. Remove every third word, he told me.

I was shattered. I couldn't believe it. I was already working sixty hours a week. Forty at an ad agency and twenty, writing weekends. After a week of depression, I swallowed my pride and started working night time too on editing. Now I worked seventy hours a week.

I re-submitted my work and A D Peters accepted it. They were turned down thirteen times by publishers before the manuscript sold a year later. You know what I did with the royalties? Sent a black boy in South Africa, who got a better school pass than me, to teachers training college. Themba became a high school teacher and used his salary to put himself through varsity, majoring in math and chemistry. Shows what ordinary guys like you and me and Themba can do when politicians step aside.

Jonathon, that terrible advice from a literary agent, which was like a KO blow, got me published.

I believe that a novel should generate its own momentum, so that the reader experiences the story as if he or she is actually living it. The author should be invisible. Legacy achieves that. No problem. You're good on that point.

But, if you're going to woo the editors, prune your writing ruthlessly. Don't tell them that night is black or dark. They know that. Start by playing a game with your synopsis. See how far you can cull unnecessary words, until you're approaching bare bones. Also, break the wad of copy into separate paras with a space between the paras.

Jonathon, you've got some fancy comments below. But these are unpublished writers. The competition out there is horrific. Four hundred and ninety nine manuscripts in every five hundred are rejected. With no reason given. Not one manuscript that has wound up on the editors desk here, has been accepted.

You gotta be tough. You gotta be smart. You gotta be willing to re-write. Zambezi is a fourth draft. Fig Tree is a third draft which I am currently re-writing as briefed by a San Francisco agency. No guarantee. Just another look see if I'm lucky.

Never doubt your ability. Every idea man has conceived. And passionately believed in. He has achieved. Winners suffer more failures than losers. Success is the ability to progress from one setback to the next. Problems are merely blinkers preventing us from seeing the solutions.

You can do it, boy.

Hope to see you around. Kind regards. Pierre.

Hi Jon, right I'm still getting back into online reading after lots of headaches so there's every chance this book won't make sense to me but will to everyone else. I think it's a fascinating premise but one which is tending towards a complex structure for the story (as someone who learned to write by reading Iain Banks I know all about the perils of this!). OK, I'm going to comment on 2 aspects here. Firstly the literary content and second the structure.
I think you have to decide how literary you want this book to be. the fact is, it's clear you're a very skilled writer. there are beautiful and original observations in this. on the other hand you use quite a few phrases that might be seen as cliche eg eyes darted about, feelings written on peoples' faces, the moon bathing the land. there was also a bit at the beginning about the sun being in twilight which might not be technically possible! I know that many genre books use lots of cliches. they're easy to write, easy to read and enable the writer to churn out several books a year. I'm sure you could do this if that's the route you want to go. but I think you have to make a choice because you have the ability to produce much better quality writing than that. so this is not a criticism but an observation that I feel you should think about.
now the structure. I love the opening and the mood that creates. then we go to five years ago and the archaeology and eventually to discovering the sword. given current fashions in both genre and literary books for short chapters I'm wondering if you should split these scenes into different chapters and to make it very obvious - eg headings of times and places - where and when each is taking place. in a complex book it's easy for the writer because you know where it's going but the modern reader, tho hopefully not dim, is often snatching short reads during a tube journey etc. however I also know that reading online messes up the formatting, makes chapters seem longer and the story slower moving etc. so again this is not a criticism but an observation of tings you might want to think about. I hope that this is helpful to you. I feel that when you get the structure exactly right this is going to be a very good book. Ali.

Dear Jonathon, Swords on my watchlist for reading either tomorrow late or Sunday a.m. Kepp well. Pierre.

Jon.
Enjoyed what I've read so far. Going to watchlist Legacy and read more as soon as poss.

Thanks for stopping by and checking out 'Ecklar's Curse', Jon. Much appreciated.

As I read I wondered if maybe the story shouldn’t start with the paragraph ‘The thrill of the discovery etc.’ But into chapter two and then I thought no, I’m happy with where the story started. The contrast between beautiful starry night skies and the absence of starlight had me thinking, how did these people get to that place?

I’d like to have felt/seen the war scene more, perhaps from the narrator’s pov. He was there and he was shot so I think I would have like to be in his head then.

As soon as swordsman turned up on the scene, I really got interested. What on Earth – flying trees? Great stuff.

I’m not sure about the introduction of the narrator in the middle of the ch. But I haven’t read the whole story and I assume he is needed?

Aah, 7 elemental swords, I wonder who discovers the others.

Of course, the book could do with an edit here and there as every book I’ve read on this site does, especially mine. Mostly typos like, when Jason goes to the museam and the bloke, Charleston?, calls him cap instead of chap.

Well I would definitely read on if this was a real book. Good work - you have me hooked. I would buy this. I hope more people read it and back it, at least I will right now.

Hi Jon,

Thnk you for posting on the "opening scenes that grab readers" thread.

As I mentioned there, opening scenes are critical to a book's success. Your opening scene is where an edition will first determine the level of your writing skill. Later in the publishing process, your opening scene is where a prospective book buyer in a book store will look to determine if they want to buy your book or not.

Regarding your opening scene, I found it interesting but not compelling.

It seems to be written from an omnicient point of view. It would be much more engaging if it were written from a single point of view of someone inside the bunker (a central character). Then you'd be able to add in what I feel is missing from your opening scene ... emotion.

By writing from a single point of view, you can make me experience the barrage. You can put me into the bunker. You can make me feel the fear, panic, desperation of one of the persons going through the situation. Go into deep emotions and you'll hook me.

One way to begin to write deep point of view is to first write the scene in first person (I sat in a corner. The roof crumpled and fell on me. I knew it was over and I wasn't ready to died. etc). Then switch your writing to third person by substituting the person's name. (Dave sat in the corner. The roof crumpled and feel on him. He knew he was going to died and he wasn't ready for it.)

Also, the final line in your first paragraph got my attention (ie ... broken only by the sound of uneven breathing.)

Nothing happens in yYour 2nd and 3rd paragraphs, so they pull me out of the flow. I want to know about the uneven breathing. Once the barrage begins in paragraph 4, I get interested.

Your dialogue is good.

Good descriptions, too.

What this scene need is emotional content. Put me in that bunker and make me feel the effects of the barrage.

Thanks again for posting.

Al

I read the first chapter. tired as I am, I need to take a break and come back... i told you wat I thought of this middle bit..... Is this the order you originaly had for the first chapter.... house floating, then shift back to when he found it... then leave me "scurring back to camp"? lets talk about order....Not sure that it grips me at the end here... I tend to like things in chronological order.... take out the battle (which is extereemly awesome, btw) , start with insomnia, have him laying is bed maybe and reflect back to the discovery scene... end in him finnally getting up to look at his discovery but deside to take a walk or somthing and leave me with the floating house at the end of chapter 1... but as I read more , maybe I can even suggest a better order. I love the battle and think you write those scenes very well, but I fear it will just seem out of place and few and far between the next battle if you throw in one from three years down the road just for the sake of action.

What you really want, is to fix the flow by getting rid of the synopsis type of thing in the middle from the sagre's POV cause it just interupts things. When Patty Jensen gets back and gives you an opinion you can see what she has tp say about starting with the discovery of the sword. She has a good , striaghtforward opinion, and a good sense of writing and we can feel out what to do next.

Don't try to change it too much too soon, you need to get readers opinions first.

I will talk to ya later,
\Gina

well, Mr. McCarty, thank you for your comments. Don't rush things, you learn about jackie later. The Pitch lets you know it is about both of them. I flip back and forther until he goes to earth. Be patient young skywalker.... (I'm sorry, that just slipped out) I started to read your but ran out of time sunday. I will get back to it soon this week. If you need to fill that other space on your shelf, you might like Diary of a small fish. governement stuff. OR I really like Sausages. There is one bit in the beggining you may not like but the rest of the chapters I read were funny!
Later,
Gina

put this on my watch list. I'll be back

Hey Jonathan, many thanks for the comments on Evil. Glad you have joined the legions of those who are enjoying it :) Much appreciated.

Dear Jonathan,

Thanks for coming over to may page and for the comments you've left on BB. Believe it or not, I'm a grammar freak, too. I just realised that you can write in a strictly grammatically correct way without observing what some believe to be conventions implicit in grammar. And the staccato sentences have divided opinion, it must be said. Hope you manage to read more, and hope you like it enough to back it.

Legacy is great. I hope to be able to read all of it (I mean the complete book) at some point. The world needs stories like these, and I am, unfortunately, incapable of writing them.

R

Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, Relic Hunter, National Treasure and heaven knows how many other 'clones' - and yet somehow you managed to come up with something here that feels original, with a lively, intriguing beginning. And you start with the word 'insomnia', which as I always like to say, is a constant bedfellow of mine. So I had to read on. Now, this is no criticism, but there's something in the tone of this that suggests to me Young Adult readership. Lines like 'The house was floating in the air like a balloon' contribute towards that impression - but, and I can't stress this enough, that is no bad thing. Part of the art of writing a book is finding the right target audience for your material and, dependent on what you have going on in the rest of the book - whether there's too much adult material later on or not, I don't know - this strikes me as ideal Young Adult adventure material. So if I were you, based on what I've read so far, I'd be looking to make a few edits, trim a bit here and there to really bring that Young Adult tone that I'm already detecting to the fore. Obviously you know your book better than I do, so take that under advisement and feel free to ignore me! :) But there can be little doubt you've a fun adventure here. Good luck with it and I'll give you a bookshelf nudge up the rankings in recognition of that commercial appeal I see in this.

Dear Jonathan,

This is an excellent start. I'm bookshelving it. The only reservation I have is that it can be a little overwordy in places, and that you need to do a manual (ie not computer) spellcheck on it.

Good luck. I love these kinds of books.

R

yeah, I shelved you :) I couldn't resist.
G

Hey,
I HAD to mention... You MUST read Evil UnLTD by Simon A Forward. It's #1 on the book list and the best one I have read so far. I immeadiatly thought of you when I read it.
Cheers,
Gina

well, Mr McCarty (hehe) you are on my watchlist! I have a long list of reading to do but I am sure I can squeeze you in!
Gina