Butterfly

I believe that your book has a good enough foundation to work with, but there are some things for you to work on. Your opening was great, but you have too much narrating in the first chapter that makes me want to jump ahead to the next part. After dialogue, you're also always inserting a sentence describing what a person was doing or feeling while talking. That's fine, but it shouldn't be after almost everytime someone speaks. Your book is fast-paced and interesting. However in some parts, you're adding unneccasary details. In the bestsellers I've read, they don't waste space on their pages- they cut straight to the point. I suggest rereading your story and taking out some details that your story could do without. Please don't take all my suggestions the wrong way- your story's doing pretty good!

Great opening! Nicely paced and descriptive. Thanks for sharing your story.

~Sherry
http://www.sherrysoule.com

I really like what I have read so far. I don't have much to offer in the way of critique, since you say the book is already available on Amazon. I am placing this book on my shelf, and look forward to reading more and possibly some of the sequel. Best of luck!

Leigh
If you have time, please consider reading a portion of my YA novel, "Lies That Bind." Thanks!

Dear Kim,
I read through the first chapter and you definitely have a good narrative style for YA fiction. I can see many teenager engaging with your story. Your characters are very real and their interactions make for interesting reading.
I particularly like the way you wove the 'hottie wall' into the narrative to show the true character of Kaleb. The last part with the toilet scene was very entertaining, I could vividly picture this, and felt so sorry for the two girls particularly when the toilet paper and feces fell on their head. Yuk!!!
This opening chapter sets the scene for a good read. I will watchlist and star rate for now.
Well done, Cheers Jacoba

Thank you very much for you comment. I encourage you to keep reading because the story continues into Elizabeth's young adult years and takes her through many more interesting situations. I am glad you are enjoying it so far!

Dear Kim,
I read through the first chapter and you definitely have a good narrative style for YA fiction. I can see many teenager engaging with your story. Your characters are very real and their interactions make for interesting reading.
I particularly like the way you wove the 'hottie wall' into the narrative to show the true character of Kaleb. The last part with the toilet scene was very entertaining, I could vividly picture this, and felt so sorry for the two girls particularly when the toilet paper and feces fell on their head. Yuk!!!
This opening chapter sets the scene for a good read. I will watchlist and star rate for now.
Well done, Cheers Jacoba

I like your writing style. It is clear to me that you know what you want to say and that is translated to your story. Your characters ring true. The voice of Elizabeth is strong and leaves me wanting to know more about what's to come. Check out "Just Out of Sight". I hope to be on your bookshelf soon.
Thank you,
Craig (Bandof1)

Thank you! I will check your book out as soon as I can! Thanks again for your support!

Dear Kimmie, I love the intrigue of Elizabeth with her alcoholic mother & hard working father & an artist best friend, & Dylan showing up whenever she is in emotional turmoil, then following a brutal attack that leaves her near death in the hospital, she meets Connor, a brooding attractive detective, opening her up to feelings she has never felt before & she has a feeling of a presence around her, as your pitch portrays. :) WOW!! :) What an exciting story. :) Your preface of "Heaven or Earth" is totally thought provoking :) - & I liked, "at least that is what I believed." I was sad about Ellie's mom & glad her dad was so caring about the smoking. :) Also, I like that she had her best friend, Gabby. :) As I read through of Ellie's mom's affair & Ellie's attack & finally ch. 6, I love Ellie's exuberance, especially with Sterling & am hoping for a happy ending with them, & as with Gabby & Kole, even, to get married & "live happily ever after." I have read & commented on your book & will back it more than 24 hours when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold *****-rated your book :) - could you please ****** mine, too? :) Thank you so very much for backing me memoirs/testimony book :) - it would be so nice if you'd keep my book on your bookshelf to help me, after my trying for almost a year to be chosen in the top 5 of the editor's desk :) - I was #4 on 1-1-11, but 2 people passed me, so I was pushed out to #6, so I didn't get chosen in the top 5 January 31 - I am now #1 & need lots of backings to anchor me in, so that I don't get pushed our again & so I'll chosen in the top 5 of the editor's desk February 28. :) I would so much appreciate our help. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing more than 24 hours & the longer on our bookshelves, the more they move up, per authonomy's new rules Oct 2010 :)

I am glad you liked it and I appreciate any comments or suggestions. I will be reading through your book as soon as I get a chance. It has been a busy week so I haven't had much time. I will let you know once I have completed it!

I absolutely love the dialogue between El and her father when he catches her smoking - you can feel his unconditional love for her. Then, you smoothly switch up the emotions to sadness over the alcoholic mother. The dialogue is spot on and the characterizations are very genuine and realistic here. You have an excellent story and I am shelving this because Id buy it!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Thank you Liz! If you would like to read the rest of it, it is on bn.com and amazon.com for digital purchase...only .99! Thank you for your comments!

How totally wonderful you are, Kimmie!! :) Thank you so very much for backing my memoirs/testimony book. :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** mine, too. Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because, I'm #1 on the editor's desk & I don't want to lose traction & to remain in the top 5 to be chosen February 28. :) Please read my profile page: I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after almost 1 year of trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Dear Kimmie, I love the intrigue of Elizabeth with her alcoholic mother & hard working father & an artist best friend, & Dylan showing up whenever she is in emotional turmoil, then following a brutal attack that leaves her near death in the hospital, she meets Connor, a brooding attractive detective, opening her up to feelings she has never felt before & she has a feeling of a presence around her, as your pitch portrays. :) WOW!! :) What an exciting story. :) Your preface of "Heaven or Earth" is totally thought provoking :) - & I liked, "at least that is what I believed." I was sad about Ellie's mom & glad her dad was so caring about the smoking. :) Also, I like that she had her best friend, Gabby. :) As I read through of Ellie's mom's affair & Ellie's attack & finally ch. 6, I love Ellie's exuberance, especially with Sterling & am hoping for a happy ending with them, & as with Gabby & Kole, even, to get married & "live happily ever after." I have read & commented on your book & will back it more than 24 hours when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold *****-rated your book :) - could you please ****** mine, too? :) Thank you so very much for backing me memoirs/testimony book :) - it would be so nice if you'd keep my book on your bookshelf to help me, after my trying for almost a year to be chosen in the top 5 of the editor's desk :) - I was #4 on 1-1-11, but 2 people passed me, so I was pushed out to #6, so I didn't get chosen in the top 5 January 31 - I am now #1 & need lots of backings to anchor me in, so that I don't get pushed our again & so I'll chosen in the top 5 of the editor's desk February 28. :) I would so much appreciate our help. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing more than 24 hours & the longer on our bookshelves, the more they move up, per authonomy's new rules Oct 2010 :)

I like your writing style. It is clear to me that you know what you want to say and that is translated to your story. Your characters ring true. The voice of Elizabeth is strong and leaves me wanting to know more about what's to come. Check out "Just Out of Sight". I hope to be on your bookshelf soon.
Thank you,
Craig (Bandof1)

I absolutely love the dialogue between El and her father when he catches her smoking - you can feel his unconditional love for her. Then, you smoothly switch up the emotions to sadness over the alcoholic mother. The dialogue is spot on and the characterizations are very genuine and realistic here. You have an excellent story and I am shelving this because Id buy it!

Liz
The Cheech Room

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it :) - let me know. :) Love, Susie :) Read & commented on 4 hours later. :)