Arctic North

A very heart touching story that brings out different aspects of human feelings. On my watch list with high star rating.

Hi Emily,
This is a beautiful way to express first person POV. I love that your tense doesn't waver back and forth confusing the reader. one would almost swear you have lived the life of your protagonist as you have blended her thoughts and emotions so seamlessly. I have very much enjoyed reading up to chapter three and hope to come nack for more. Best of luck to you and your wonderful book. MJ

Hiya Emily. I enjoyed reading about Ailsa's life. She is an engaging character and you made me feel her pain and guilt at the death of her dog team. She has been a lost soul since the accident and it is uplifting to see the first stirrings of some new hope with the arrival of the lovely Whisky. The setting and storyline is definitely different and the growing attraction/tension between Alisa and Ty is a a well-baited hook.
Kat x Hens from Hell xx

You write so well about an area i so much want to visit. I read through first two chapters. I think your story is perfect in the first person narrative. your use of tense was on the mark (no mismatching of past and present)

In chapter 1 you describe well the terrible situation of falling through the Ice and the loss of your sled team. Especially your lead dog Blaze. You could truly feel the emotion coming through your words with that tragic loss. In chapter 2 we find Alisa, hiding from her true desires in her store. Never wanting to run the sled dogs again, but it shows deep in her heart there is nothing else she rather do. Ty (I think they get together later in book)convinces Alisa to look at puppies in the paper that he circled. trying his best to convince her to get back out and do what she loved. Then she sees a pup that reminds her so much of blaze and names it wiskey. I believe this is where the true story begins.

This is well writen but needs some editing. You may want to reword Paragraph 3 in chapter 1 "They were so young and never grew out of there puupy phase at only the age of three." I know what your trying to say it just needs to be reworded.
Overall it is a very nice heartfelt peace of work. Best of luck
JJ Marro
Magic of the frogs

Dear Emily, I love that your sent me a message that you added a wonderful chapter 3 (4 authononmy) to your touching Alisa story & I laughed at her dog, Whiskey, taking up the whole bed because my sister's dog also does, but she just curls around her. :) I love Ty :) - he's precious. :) All men should be as sensitive & protective as he is. :) Maybe they'll get married & live happily ever after :) - "butterflies" is good. :) Now, I'm waiting for Alisa to start dog sledding again :) - you probably have that in mind with her thinking "harness" & "equipment." :) Love, Susie :)

A very heart touching story that brings out different aspects of human feelings. On my watch list with high star rating.

A very heart touching story that brings out different aspects of human feelings. On my watch list with high star rating.

Hey! First off, you have good writing skills, which is a plus! Your story is interesting, but it seems there is too much backstory. But that is my opinion. Sometimes, people will stop reading a story because of too much information and it bogs down the action.
Good luck with this!

Sincerely

D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

ARCTIC NORTH
This is a book based on an interesting topic: Alascan dog sled teams. As I know almost nothing about dog sledding, it made this an educational read as well as an enjoyable one. Alisa is a good main character; she’s sympathetic because her dogs die, something everyone can relate to. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wannabeawriter. Who Killed the President?

That first sentence seems a bit different than the next. I would think about indenting ‘a cold dry .. .’

Your writing is good. I know this because I don’t like too much backstory and you have a lot of it. But I enjoyed hearing about mac and jake and the other dogs of the team. I actually think it is necessary because it’s like her family.

I feel like the dogs are actually humans after reading the first page. Bailey was the most sociable? lol. so funny. I just love how you give them nice traits and something we can easily remember.

and this was very sad beginning. but I wouldn’t be this sad if it wasn’t for great characters. 6 stars. Hopefully I can read more soon after I finish off my list of reads. sorry about getting to your book so late. :(

When i saw the chick-lit genre listed, I almost winced, but you have a very interesting subject matter, and the fairly unique setting instantly made me forget the genre and for my initial misgivings. Great opening line too, which also made me drop any prejudice i may have had. This is very assured writing, and over the 4 chapters i read, I was reminded of "White Fang" (although this could be the setting as much as the content itself), and I think the story is ripe for a Disney movie adaptation.
I think perhaps your long pitch needs rewording slightly "Nightmares and memories are all she can think about" just doesnt seem to work.

Hi Emily,
This is a beautiful way to express first person POV. I love that your tense doesn't waver back and forth confusing the reader. one would almost swear you have lived the life of your protagonist as you have blended her thoughts and emotions so seamlessly. I have very much enjoyed reading up to chapter three and hope to come nack for more. Best of luck to you and your wonderful book. MJ

Hi Emily,
This is a beautiful way to express first person POV. I love that your tense doesn't waver back and forth confusing the reader. one would almost swear you have lived the life of your protagonist as you have blended her thoughts and emotions so seamlessly. I have very much enjoyed reading up to chapter three and hope to come nack for more. Best of luck to you and your wonderful book. MJ

Hi Emily,
This is a beautiful way to express first person POV. I love that your tense doesn't waver back and forth confusing the reader. one would almost swear you have lived the life of your protagonist as you have blended her thoughts and emotions so seamlessly. I have very much enjoyed reading up to chapter three and hope to come nack for more. Best of luck to you and your wonderful book. MJ

Artic North
Fiction, 1st person

In response to your request, I'll only comment on Ch 3 though I've read 1 & 2 also (they are very well done, btw)

IMO, the MS would benefit from staying with past tense. In Ch 3 the tense fluctuates between past & present and I found it to be jarring. The first 2 chapters read very smoothly in past tense. It would make perfect sense to stay in past tense thought Ch 3.

There are some mechanical issues which are minor enough.
Overall, my impression of the story: The premise is very compelling. But the conflict isn't very well supported. While the MC protests, it seems to be false because the actions contradict the character's position. This happens repetitively, to the degree of endangering the credibility. It might read better with a nosteligic desire or wistful hesitation. Perhaps even declining the pup at first. Reconsidering or dragged, kicking and screaming in protest. Or have something very compelling forcing the issue.
Hope this helps.
Raechel
Echo

Hiya Emily. I enjoyed reading about Ailsa's life. She is an engaging character and you made me feel her pain and guilt at the death of her dog team. She has been a lost soul since the accident and it is uplifting to see the first stirrings of some new hope with the arrival of the lovely Whisky. The setting and storyline is definitely different and the growing attraction/tension between Alisa and Ty is a a well-baited hook.
Kat x Hens from Hell xx

Hi, Emily. I have taken a look at all that you have posted here, but am just going to comment on the prologue and opening chapter, as they are the most important. Firstly, can I mention your opening sentence. I think that you need to shorten that into two separate sentences. An opening sentence of 'I thought that I would never feel safe again.' is a better, punchier opening sentence. Then omit the 'I thought' and the following sentence should be 'The cold air blew round my face.' Then these two sentences open up questions for your readers in a better way than being faced with extra adverbs that aren't really needed.
Hope this helps. Let me know when you post some more and I'll be back!!

Mae
'Ignited'

Chapter 3

It is sometimes difficult to gauge the plot when one starts in a later chapter so I won't comment on that. I will say that I felt a general progression of the story and it seemed to me that Ty and Alisa had just been in an altercation with some other guy. (of course I didn't quite know why).

There is a part where Alisa and Ty are standing in the story leaning into each other and then the door bell rings. Your next sentence is that Alisa sees Margret "wondering the shelves." And to me that is a leap. Since it is a split instance from the bell ringing shouldn't she see her entering the store rather than wondering the shelves? (and is it wondering the shelves or wondering down the aisles?).

Tension: There's good build up of tension in this chapter. There is a budding romance between Ty and Alisa. I'm guessing since they've known each other Alisa is not ready to admit to her attraction but for some reason, Ty is sensitive and is ready to bear all? Also, there is the intervening issue of Alisa's diagnosis with PTSD which leads her to believe that she is somewhat damaged goods. However, we now know that she's forced to be closer to Tara and Ty as they come to help her with the store and her recovery.

Again, it is a bit difficult for me to judge the plot from the get go, but I must say I was able to make sense of the story (the loss of her parents and her dogs) and her fears and desires from only reading this chapter. That I would say is a testament to your strong character development.
Pacing: Good pacing. I thought that this chapter could have been broken into two to maintain attention span.

Observations/ Corrections/Suggestions:

1. First aid (kit not "kid").
2. I snapped at him but quickly thawed out when I realized that I (had not "have") to clean up his face. Watch out for mixed-tenses.
3. I'm not standing up for anyone." I snapped (redact "at him" since it is obvious who you are snapping at) but quickly thawed (i'd redact "out")when I realized I had to clean up his face.
4. I (could not "can") only imagine how bad Drew's face was since Ty got more hits on him that Drew was able to throw (or "deal")
5. ... but his face (redact "was) still looked cold and angry.
6. Tara said she would drive my snow machine over to the store later after she (was not "is") done feeding the rest of the dogs.

So I'll stop here with the corrections ... just a flavor of what you will need to do a careful edit for. Basically, you have an issue with mixed-tenses. Within sentences and paragraphs you tend to mix past and present tense. You should stick to one. And I see that your narrative is mainly past tense so just go through it carefully and change instances of present tense within the narrative. It is okay for it to be in the dialogue, just not in the narrative.

An enjoyable read. I suggest careful editing even before you invite readership based on the story line because it can sometimes become distractive when there are so many grammatical issues. Other than that, this promises to be an engaging read and the story so far is very interesting. I wish you all the best with this.
Kari

Hi Emily,

I have taken a look at your work. I have a few comments. First, you have a very original story. This is a subject not a lot of people know about. Clearly you know quite a bit about, and your passion for the setting and story come though loud and clear.

I am big believer in the writer's maxim "show, don't tell." I think there are a few examples of "telling" instead of "showing," e.g. when you say Alisa felt attacked. Show the other character's behavior toward her and the audience will get the attack without your telegraphing it. I know you don't want line edits, but i do think it's important to clean up the work. Missing apostrophe's and grammatical errors ("me" as the subject of a sentence) distract and slow the reader down.

I think the way you introduce the parents' death is a little too offhand. You bury it in a paragraph and move on. I'd like to see maybe a parallel made between their deaths and that of the dogs. Something like, "To say I'd had a run of bad luck would be an understatement. Freakishly, I'd lost my parents only one year earlier..." Something like that.

Now you wanted some feedback on chapter three. I think there's a bit too much exposition, both through dialogue and otherwise. It's time to the move the story along a bit faster. You can weave in some of the background stuff as you tell the story, but it's hard to see where the story is going at this point.

I think you do extremely well with character development. I love the voice and personality of Alisa, and would be itneresting in taking a journey with her. With a bit of tweaking, you'll have something really original and engaging. Giving you some stars, and wishing you lots of luck.

Best,
Andi
Animal Cracker.
P.S. I am getting VERY close to the editor's desk. Won't you please help by backing and starring my book? I hope you like it.

Thank you so much for reading and commenting on my novel. I have some excuses that i think will make up for some of your thoughts.

1. Alisa is very wrapped up in her own world at the starting of the novel so the "show, don't tell" for when she felt attacked is based and what she is feeling and not what she is seeing. Her emotions are way too strong for her to handle.

2. The sudden loss of her parents is again because she is messed up and her emotions are scattered. She tells the story as her emotions go.

3. I am glad you don't know where the story is going because I find that when a story is upredicatble it creates the suspence that you don't know what is going to happen. This story is supposed to be an original so you shouldn't expect something to happen.

I have the story all worked out, play by play. If I didn't know where the story was going there would be a major problem. :)

Hi Emily,

I have taken a look at your work. I have a few comments. First, you have a very original story. This is a subject not a lot of people know about. Clearly you know quite a bit about, and your passion for the setting and story come though loud and clear.

I am big believer in the writer's maxim "show, don't tell." I think there are a few examples of "telling" instead of "showing," e.g. when you say Alisa felt attacked. Show the other character's behavior toward her and the audience will get the attack without your telegraphing it. I know you don't want line edits, but i do think it's important to clean up the work. Missing apostrophe's and grammatical errors ("me" as the subject of a sentence) distract and slow the reader down.

I think the way you introduce the parents' death is a little too offhand. You bury it in a paragraph and move on. I'd like to see maybe a parallel made between their deaths and that of the dogs. Something like, "To say I'd had a run of bad luck would be an understatement. Freakishly, I'd lost my parents only one year earlier..." Something like that.

Now you wanted some feedback on chapter three. I think there's a bit too much exposition, both through dialogue and otherwise. It's time to the move the story along a bit faster. You can weave in some of the background stuff as you tell the story, but it's hard to see where the story is going at this point.

I think you do extremely well with character development. I love the voice and personality of Alisa, and would be itneresting in taking a journey with her. With a bit of tweaking, you'll have something really original and engaging. Giving you some stars, and wishing you lots of luck.

Best,
Andi
Animal Cracker.
P.S. I am getting VERY close to the editor's desk. Won't you please help by backing and starring my book? I hope you like it.

Hi Emily, here to take a look at your work.
Aw, how sad, the first chapter... you held my attention.... onto the next.
Second chap is good also!! Great writing. Not quite my genre, but it's written well, and will rate you highly!!
Thanks for sharing, and I hope she does well with the new dogs!
Monicque x

Thank you very much!

Emily

Hi Emily, here to take a look at your work.
Aw, how sad, the first chapter... you held my attention.... onto the next.
Second chap is good also!! Great writing. Not quite my genre, but it's written well, and will rate you highly!!
Thanks for sharing, and I hope she does well with the new dogs!
Monicque x

You write so well about an area i so much want to visit. I read through first two chapters. I think your story is perfect in the first person narrative. your use of tense was on the mark (no mismatching of past and present)

In chapter 1 you describe well the terrible situation of falling through the Ice and the loss of your sled team. Especially your lead dog Blaze. You could truly feel the emotion coming through your words with that tragic loss. In chapter 2 we find Alisa, hiding from her true desires in her store. Never wanting to run the sled dogs again, but it shows deep in her heart there is nothing else she rather do. Ty (I think they get together later in book)convinces Alisa to look at puppies in the paper that he circled. trying his best to convince her to get back out and do what she loved. Then she sees a pup that reminds her so much of blaze and names it wiskey. I believe this is where the true story begins.

This is well writen but needs some editing. You may want to reword Paragraph 3 in chapter 1 "They were so young and never grew out of there puupy phase at only the age of three." I know what your trying to say it just needs to be reworded.
Overall it is a very nice heartfelt peace of work. Best of luck
JJ Marro
Magic of the frogs

Thank you very much for reading my first two chapters. I will keep to my word and read and comment on yours as well by at most Wednesday. You know, work.

Also thank you for your comments. I love hearing what people like and even dislike about my work. It makes me work even harder. Editing has been quite the job for me. I have 6 printed out copies of Arctic North that are highlighted and marked all over. Lets just say I wish the ink for my printer was cheaper.

You write so well about an area i so much want to visit. I read through first two chapters. I think your story is perfect in the first person narrative. your use of tense was on the mark (no mismatching of past and present)

In chapter 1 you describe well the terrible situation of falling through the Ice and the loss of your sled team. Especially your lead dog Blaze. You could truly feel the emotion coming through your words with that tragic loss. In chapter 2 we find Alisa, hiding from her true desires in her store. Never wanting to run the sled dogs again, but it shows deep in her heart there is nothing else she rather do. Ty (I think they get together later in book)convinces Alisa to look at puppies in the paper that he circled. trying his best to convince her to get back out and do what she loved. Then she sees a pup that reminds her so much of blaze and names it wiskey. I believe this is where the true story begins.

This is well writen but needs some editing. You may want to reword Paragraph 3 in chapter 1 "They were so young and never grew out of there puupy phase at only the age of three." I know what your trying to say it just needs to be reworded.
Overall it is a very nice heartfelt peace of work. Best of luck
JJ Marro
Magic of the frogs

I've never read anything quite like this before, a fascinating insight into life in the far North. Two chapters in and I can see a thoughtful, carefully constructed story evolving. Alisa and Tara make for an interesting contrast in characters, and the location is a perfect setting for endless adventure. A good edit would be beneficial, but then why should you be different from the rest of us? On my WL for further reading and generously starred. Good luck with this.

Thank you very much. I have put a lot of work writing and researching to make this book happen. Believe me I know I have a long way to go and editing is on the top of my list of things to be done.

I've never read anything quite like this before, a fascinating insight into life in the far North. Two chapters in and I can see a thoughtful, carefully constructed story evolving. Alisa and Tara make for an interesting contrast in characters, and the location is a perfect setting for endless adventure. A good edit would be beneficial, but then why should you be different from the rest of us? On my WL for further reading and generously starred. Good luck with this.

Emily, you have the beginnings of a good book here. You seem to be aware of your need to edit, so I'm not going to concentrate on that, other than to say that active voice is a writer's best friend. You don't want to write all of your sentences in active voice, but the majority should be where the subject acts the verb. You have a lot of passive voice and that dulls out your writing and makes the story boring when it shouldn't be.

Now, I'm going to give you some crit that most writers and readers on this site cannot give you because they're not from Alaska or familar with dog racing. Please do not take this negatively. This is POSITIVE criticism. I think you've got a future as a writer and I think you can make the concept of this book work. It's just that books about real places need to be accurate if they're to be believable. They always say "Write what you know" and "they" are right.

Alaska is very different from other parts of the United States. When I was growing up -- and you're probably just about my daughter's age -- we got the national news three days late and TV series a month after they aired in the Lower 48. We were conditioned to think of ourselves as seperate from the rest of the country. We have cable now and Fox News channel live, but we're still not quite American in our thinking. You sort of caught that with your characters. Go a bit deeper with it.

Glaring Error #1 - Alaskans NEVER call our winter snow transportation a "snowmobile". It's a dead giveaway that you have not been to Alaska for any length of time and haven't even watched Sarah Palin's Alaska series, as she explained it there. We call them "snow machines". Believe me, you would lose any Alaskan reading "Arctic North" by that simple error. If I weren't a writer seeking to help you improve your writing and your book, I'd have been gone before I ever left the bookstore and I wouldn't have bought your book.

In a similar note, you have some interesting characters in your book. No book on Alaska would be complete without interesting characters. We are a state with a lot of character and characters. Keep that up. Love your people. The character you're missing in this book is Alaska itself. Maybe I missed it. What's the name of the town? About how big is it? Where in the state is it located? Along the highway system or in the Bush? Are these people Alaskan Native or native Alaskans? The difference? Alaskan Natives are indigenous Native Americans, some of them Eskimo and some of them Athbaskan and they are not the same and REALLY don't like it when you get them confused. Native Alaskans are non-indigenous people (white, black, oriental or purple) like me who are born and raised here, often by people who moved up from "the Lower 48". If our folks were born here, we're even more odd. And, yeah, it matters to Alaskans. And, yes, you can learn about us. There's an Alaskan Writers Guild with a website and try pulling up the Fairbanks Daily News Miner site and reading the comments to somewhat understand how we think. I wouldn't bother with Anchorage. The largest city in Alaska deserves a mention in any book set in Alaska, but they turn over their population by a quarter every five years and so have a lot of "outsiders" living there ... and commenting in the newspaper, so the Anchorage Daily News won't help you much with understanding the Alaskan mindset.

Remember what I said about it being clear you did some research on dog sledding. You need to do more.
Siberians are great dogs and they have an important history in dog sled racing, but not recently in Alaska. Siberians are a little too big for sprint racing like the North American Sled Dog Championship and they lack the stamina for the Yukon Quest and Iditarod long distance races. Mostly the "dog drivers" here use Aurora or Huslia Huskies. These are Alaskan huskies. They have Siberian ancestors, but they've been cross-bred with other breeds of dogs for certain traits. They aren't AKC registered. Almost every sled dog running in Alaska today has an ancestor whelped out of Gareth Wright's Aurora huskies, which (if I remember off the top of my head) was a Siberian female crossed with a golden retriever -- by accident. Nobody was more surprised than Gareth when it made a much faster dog that will pull all day long and enjoy the snot out of it (to a golden retriever, life is a party!).

That was something that glared out at me, btw. Is Alisa a sprint racer or a distance racer? Those are very different dogs, very different sleds and very different mindsets. The training and preparation are very different. Even the Iditarod and the Yukon Quest, though both distance races, are different from one another. The Quest is a lot harder and gets a lot less publicity, for example.

As I said, you have an emotional connection to the dogs that gives your persona personality and I LOVE that. Please don't stop writing this book. Just go and do a lot of research. Watch Sarah Palin's Alaska because she touches on a lot of Alaskan issues that Lower 48ers don't even know exist. It's usually sometime around this season that the Discovery Channel has Alaska Week. You'll see some of our scenery, which your book needs to give it "location". Google Bill Cotter, Gareth Wright, Susan Butcher, Lance Mackey and many others and flesh out your research on dog driving. Make some decisions about Alisa -- sprint, stage or distance. Check out a map of Alaska and find out where you want her to live and who the people there might be. I'll point you in a couple of directions. Nenana Alaska is a mixed white/Native town where Bill Cotter lives. Two Rivers is a neighborhood north-east of Fairbanks that has a lot of mushers. Manley was Susan Butcher's original home (great hotsprings there too, google it). There are a lot of mushers in the Central area and that's the sort of town that has the kinds of characters you describe. Those are all road system towns, but there's many other places that aren't connected by road that have rich mushing traditions.

You are so lucky to live in a time when information on a place is at your fingertips. It used to be you had to travel somewhere to write about it believably, but now, you can look it up on the Internet and get a bit of a feel for it. Do continue writing, either about this or about something else. You have talent. Writing is talent plus skill plus research. They say "Good, better, best, never let it rest." Good luck.

I'm keeping Arctic North on my watchlist and look forward to future editions. Don't be afraid of the criticism. Embrace it -- not just mine, but others as well. You WILL thank us for it down the road. If you want to contact me privately for advice (more about Alaska than writing or dog driving), my email is aurora-watcher@hotmail.com. Put Arctic North in the subject line as I won't reply to just anyone who emails me.

Hi, Emily. I noticed your book because I'm an Alaskan. I've read your first chapter and I will read more. It's clear that you're a young writer. I can tell, because I grew up around dog mushing, that you've done some homework on that subject, so you've got a great start as a young writer because you've learned the importance of researching. What I've noticed so far is that you feel an affinity for the dog team that gives your persona personality. I'm going to read the rest and then I hope you're up for some constructive criticism. I promise to be gentle. I was once a young writer myself and appreciate the constructive criticism I received back then. You've got a good start. If you get Alaska right, you'll be on my shelf.

Thank you. I know about all the editing, I have my hard copy all marked on and fixed. I just need to update my computer copy and here as well.

Needs some clean up insofar as the writing goes. The verb tense keeps switching and there are an awful lot of run-on sentences. These things make the story choppy to read. It's an interesting story so far though. Backed and rated.

Cat
Twisted

Needs some clean up insofar as the writing goes. The verb tense keeps switching and there are an awful lot of run-on sentences. These things make the story choppy to read. It's an interesting story so far though. Backed and rated.

Cat
Twisted

Thank you! Im almost done reading anothers work and then I will get to your novel. Thank you for your comment. :)

Prologue
Millions of people love dogs. Your story instantly reminds me of the WHITE FANG thought perhaps it will be more in the mould of BLACK BEAUTY than Jack London's rough fighting story. But I know that a group of readers will definitely be up to read about the likes of Blaze. And the notion of the sledding in Alaska is full of adventure and the great outdoors. The added sadness of parental loss makes the story all the more poignant. We can imagine the dogs becoming 'family', so to loose this consolation after the loss of parents wld clearly make for a challenge. How will Alisa deal with all this, will it make her or break her? Many young adults face similar problems and, I imagine, wld read with a sense of identiry with A. I can also imagine kids in cities reading your story because it is a place to escape to, a different reality, from their city scape. I will have a look at more in the next few days.

Prologue
Millions of people love dogs. Your story instantly reminds me of the WHITE FANG thought perhaps it will be more in the mould of BLACK BEAUTY than Jack London's rough fighting story. But I know that a group of readers will definitely be up to read about the likes of Blaze. And the notion of the sledding in Alaska is full of adventure and the great outdoors. The added sadness of parental loss makes the story all the more poignant. We can imagine the dogs becoming 'family', so to loose this consolation after the loss of parents wld clearly make for a challenge. How will Alisa deal with all this, will it make her or break her? Many young adults face similar problems and, I imagine, wld read with a sense of identiry with A. I can also imagine kids in cities reading your story because it is a place to escape to, a different reality, from their city scape. I will have a look at more in the next few days.

You're totally fantastic, Emily!! :) Thank you so much for backing my "Bible Verse Songs" book. :) I can hardly wait to see what will happen with Alisa next & I hope you'll remember to let me know when you add more. :) See you at 7. :) Love, Susie :)

Of course I will let you know! :)

You're totally fantastic, Emily!! :) Thank you so much for backing my "Bible Verse Songs" book. :) I can hardly wait to see what will happen with Alisa next & I hope you'll remember to let me know when you add more. :) See you at 7. :) Love, Susie :)

Dear Emily, I love that your sent me a message that you added a wonderful chapter 3 (4 authononmy) to your touching Alisa story & I laughed at her dog, Whiskey, taking up the whole bed because my sister's dog also does, but she just curls around her. :) I love Ty :) - he's precious. :) All men should be as sensitive & protective as he is. :) Maybe they'll get married & live happily ever after :) - "butterflies" is good. :) Now, I'm waiting for Alisa to start dog sledding again :) - you probably have that in mind with her thinking "harness" & "equipment." :) Love, Susie :)

Major Editing has been completed and will be updated by the end of the month.

This looks set to be a really moving story about a girl recovering her identity and learning to move on from her loss. Just a couple of points from the first couple of chapters...

There is something about the very first line that doesn't quite feel right. 'I didn't know if I would ever feel safe again I thought as the cool wind brushed across my face'. Could perhaps be 'I never thought I would feel safe again as the cold wind brushed across my face' Or '"Will I ever feel safe again?" The cold wind brushed across my face'. (I see in your comment that you are working on changing the tense to past tense thoughout so perhaps that will be ironed out later).

I would love to FEEL a bit more about how Alisa is feeling as she watches her dogs drown. The information about their names and colourings etc was useful to be able to see what they looked like but it didn't help in the way of getting me to feel for her loss, if that makes sense.

I found the information about her parents dying quite abrupt. There was a lot of emphasis on her missing the dogs and how life was different without them, how she never wanted to talk about dogs anymore, then suddenly and quite flippantly she says 'It belonged to my parents before they died in a tragic plane crash...' I had assumed it hadn't happened yet. It seems odd to me that the loss of the dogs is a more powerful factor than the loss of her parents. Also, if it has only been a couple of months then Tara is a little mean to say, "You need a life, you used to be fun."!!! Two months isn't long to get over the tragic shock of her parents!

There is a lot that is fresh and interesting about your story but I really think you should give some thought to redefining the first couple of chapters. Up until the point of mentioning her parents it all seemed to be working, but I think if they are going to have died so suddenly then that needs to be better handled! Unless she never loved them and truly is more gutted about the dogs, but if so we need to really understand why so that we can share her story with her and feel how she feels.
I hope that helps!

All the best with it,
Karen

Thank you for your comments as they are very helpful. I would just like to comment on some of the things you have said.

About Alisa's parents; after losing her dogs she lost the ability to feel and she ignored that fact that her parents died. She sold the house and moved out instantly so she never grieved or felt their presence absent because she moved away from home. I will explain in chapters to come how she has deluded herself into thinking that her parents are still on vacation. This also leads into your comment about Tara being mean about the death of Alisa's parents. Tara's character is ignorant of reality and very much a child that needs to grow up. She left Drew with Alisa which was not the best plan because thats when problems began; if she would have thought about it she would have gotten one of them to leave but she ran from the problem to try to avoid it. This is what Tara is trying to get Alisa to do; run from her past and live life differently, although not the best way.

In the prologue, that is when Alisa lost her emotions and she seems to freeze with the icy water. I know I may not be describing everything yet but I will later. I have a plan. :)

This looks set to be a really moving story about a girl recovering her identity and learning to move on from her loss. Just a couple of points from the first couple of chapters...

There is something about the very first line that doesn't quite feel right. 'I didn't know if I would ever feel safe again I thought as the cool wind brushed across my face'. Could perhaps be 'I never thought I would feel safe again as the cold wind brushed across my face' Or '"Will I ever feel safe again?" The cold wind brushed across my face'. (I see in your comment that you are working on changing the tense to past tense thoughout so perhaps that will be ironed out later).

I would love to FEEL a bit more about how Alisa is feeling as she watches her dogs drown. The information about their names and colourings etc was useful to be able to see what they looked like but it didn't help in the way of getting me to feel for her loss, if that makes sense.

I found the information about her parents dying quite abrupt. There was a lot of emphasis on her missing the dogs and how life was different without them, how she never wanted to talk about dogs anymore, then suddenly and quite flippantly she says 'It belonged to my parents before they died in a tragic plane crash...' I had assumed it hadn't happened yet. It seems odd to me that the loss of the dogs is a more powerful factor than the loss of her parents. Also, if it has only been a couple of months then Tara is a little mean to say, "You need a life, you used to be fun."!!! Two months isn't long to get over the tragic shock of her parents!

There is a lot that is fresh and interesting about your story but I really think you should give some thought to redefining the first couple of chapters. Up until the point of mentioning her parents it all seemed to be working, but I think if they are going to have died so suddenly then that needs to be better handled! Unless she never loved them and truly is more gutted about the dogs, but if so we need to really understand why so that we can share her story with her and feel how she feels.
I hope that helps!

All the best with it,
Karen

I would just like to comment and let everyone know that the pitch does not even put a scratch on what the story is truely about; it is only a brief intoduction to the prologue. If you have read chapters one and two you will see that it is not the main part of the story and there is some much more underneath, for example if you look at the relationships she shares with other characters. I am not going to give away what the story is about for fear it will ruin the ending.

I would also like to say that all my facts about dogs are true. I have been training dogs most of my life in duck hunting and in competion shows for agility. I have always loved dog sledding and know many things about it so please do not assume that I am rambling cluelessly about it.

Also I am working on two things right now; one, fixing all my mistakes in past and present tenses. Originally I had wrote Arctic North in the present but it just didn't quite seem to work so I changed it all to past and unfortunetly missed many sentences. Two; I am hard at work on chapter three. In chapter three it looks away from the dogs and focuses on Alisa's relationships with people in town and even her own friends. Her past has changed her drastically and forced her to grow up at high speeds. If you take into consideration how much work it is to train your own dog sled you will see that as a teenager she didn't have a chance to be one. You'll notice that i often compare her and Tara many times throughtout the first few chapters.

hi, :-)
Your pitch grabbed my attention. I agree with the last comment that it could be tighter again. The hard thing to do is to decide whether you are pitching to readers or pitching your entire book... ie more of a short synopsis..
As a reader I really didnt need to know as much as you gave away in your pitch.
I like your writing and think it's got a lot of potential.

In the prologue, I was struggling to follow the tense... it felt as if you were jumping back and forward, and I wasnt sure of which one to go with...

"I shivered while being pulled..." -past.
"on my cheeks as i stare at the..." - present.
"...carries me away.."- present.
"They looked to me for help..." - past.

It could be just me, but it made it hard to read.

Also I agree with the long sentences..

"She was the most timid when strangers came to close and would hide behind me looking for help, but when she had her harness on and ready to do for a run she was fearless."

maybe something like this...

"She would hide behind me when strangers were near. But with her harness on, she was fearless."
I think that maybe says the same thing with more of a punch?

I hope this helps? I'm no writing teacher and am not trying to be. I just think, comments are better than praisal because you have something good here.
:-)

Thank you very much and believe me I am making changes on my copy and will update here soon. I keep changing things so its hard for me to post because I will change it again. Also you all may think that the pitch tells the whole story but its like an ice berg; there is so much more that I haven't said yet.

hi, :-)
Your pitch grabbed my attention. I agree with the last comment that it could be tighter again. The hard thing to do is to decide whether you are pitching to readers or pitching your entire book... ie more of a short synopsis..
As a reader I really didnt need to know as much as you gave away in your pitch.
I like your writing and think it's got a lot of potential.

In the prologue, I was struggling to follow the tense... it felt as if you were jumping back and forward, and I wasnt sure of which one to go with...

"I shivered while being pulled..." -past.
"on my cheeks as i stare at the..." - present.
"...carries me away.."- present.
"They looked to me for help..." - past.

It could be just me, but it made it hard to read.

Also I agree with the long sentences..

"She was the most timid when strangers came to close and would hide behind me looking for help, but when she had her harness on and ready to do for a run she was fearless."

maybe something like this...

"She would hide behind me when strangers were near. But with her harness on, she was fearless."
I think that maybe says the same thing with more of a punch?

I hope this helps? I'm no writing teacher and am not trying to be. I just think, comments are better than praisal because you have something good here.
:-)

Before I started reading what sounds like an amazing story, I had a note about your pitch. I think if you redo the first paragraph it would pack more punch. Maybe break it all down into a 'terrible tragedy' or 'tragedy strikes'. If you're telling us all that happens it kind of takes away from the hook that grabs the reader. I'd be more curious about what is coming if I didn't know about the accident at first, if I just knew something bad happened that made her not want to use the dogs again. Am I making sense? I hate doing pitches, they are hard!

I'm going to read some of this today and comment later! it sounds so good!

Thank you I will try to fix it. :)

Before I started reading what sounds like an amazing story, I had a note about your pitch. I think if you redo the first paragraph it would pack more punch. Maybe break it all down into a 'terrible tragedy' or 'tragedy strikes'. If you're telling us all that happens it kind of takes away from the hook that grabs the reader. I'd be more curious about what is coming if I didn't know about the accident at first, if I just knew something bad happened that made her not want to use the dogs again. Am I making sense? I hate doing pitches, they are hard!

I'm going to read some of this today and comment later! it sounds so good!

Great premise. The setting is unique and well portrayed and you have a likable character in Alisa. One thing I suggest is shorter sentences. Keep it simpler. For example, the opening line would be more welcoming if you ended it after 'safe again' and flow more in general. Less two-parters. The last line in ch.1 could be split between 'forgive me' and 'I vowed.' Cut unnecessary words--'walked back' could be 'returned' or even something more specific like strolled or sauntered.

The imagery and descriptions are well done. I don't know much about dogs, but your knowledge of them comes through well and adds realism. Good development of Alisa's daily life through ch.2 as well. Now, this is up to your own interpretation, but usually dialogue goes like this: "Thanks," he said, as opposed to "Thanks." He said. There are places to break rules, but I think your overall prose would flow better if you did it conventionally.

A little smoothing in these areas and this story has wonderful potential. I feel the overall mood, and find it comfortable so far--a good sign. You definitely have an ability to write. I'll keep an eye on this. Good luck and keep going!

Joel Juedes- Purple Eyes

Thank you for reading and the advice which I will definitly use. :)

Great premise. The setting is unique and well portrayed and you have a likable character in Alisa. One thing I suggest is shorter sentences. Keep it simpler. For example, the opening line would be more welcoming if you ended it after 'safe again' and flow more in general. Less two-parters. The last line in ch.1 could be split between 'forgive me' and 'I vowed.' Cut unnecessary words--'walked back' could be 'returned' or even something more specific like strolled or sauntered.

The imagery and descriptions are well done. I don't know much about dogs, but your knowledge of them comes through well and adds realism. Good development of Alisa's daily life through ch.2 as well. Now, this is up to your own interpretation, but usually dialogue goes like this: "Thanks," he said, as opposed to "Thanks." He said. There are places to break rules, but I think your overall prose would flow better if you did it conventionally.

A little smoothing in these areas and this story has wonderful potential. I feel the overall mood, and find it comfortable so far--a good sign. You definitely have an ability to write. I'll keep an eye on this. Good luck and keep going!

Joel Juedes- Purple Eyes

a fascinating setting for this piece- good flowing writing; this is on my watchlist....
read SEASONS....

Thank you. :)

a fascinating setting for this piece- good flowing writing; this is on my watchlist....
read SEASONS....

How totally wonderful you are, Emily!! :) Thank you so very much for backing my memoirs/testimony book. :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** mine, too. Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because, I'm #1 on the editor's desk & I don't want to lose traction & to remain in the top 5 to be chosen February 28. :) Please read my profile page: I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after almost 1 year of trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Oh my gosh, I ma so sorry for your losses and I hope your health is and stays well. Of course I will keep your book on my bookshelf. I will rate you book as well. :)

How totally wonderful you are, Emily!! :) Thank you so very much for backing my memoirs/testimony book. :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** mine, too. Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because, I'm #1 on the editor's desk & I don't want to lose traction & to remain in the top 5 to be chosen February 28. :) Please read my profile page: I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after almost 1 year of trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Dear Emily, I love tender "age 20 Alisa... her parents... in a tragic plane crash on their way back from"... vacation in "Mexico" & "Alisa still not recovered from the loss of her sled dogs"... 2 years earlier... "when "she and her dogs broke though the" thin "ice... in the lower parts of Alaska... Alisa tried to save... her team of sled dogs but there was nothing she could do... people rushed to help her.. could only rescue Alisa... has vowed never again to race or own a team of dogs... so she took over her parents' general store... works hard to forget and distract herself; her two friends are afraid to leave her by herself for fear of her breaking down," as your pitch portrays. :) WOW!! My heart goes out to Alisa. :) I love that as I read your prologue, that Alisa called her sled dogs her "beloved friends" :) - I had pictured white & then read, "Blaze... was pure white with gorgeous blue eyes" :) - I smiled that I had guessed it right. :) My tears welled up as I read on. ;( Great conveyance of feelings. :) ch.1: "another nightmare... after 2 years" - reminded me of finding my 4 year old sister drowned when I was 11 & nightmares for 24 years until I got the "Baptism of the Holy Spirit" when I was 35, as I tell in my memoirs. :) I laughed out loud when I read, "I could not have more people finding out I have a dog" :) - my sister's 15 year old dog died & she cried & cried & she vowed to never have another until a friend had to go into extended care & begged Mary to take her dog Bailey & she loves her so much. :) ch. 3: "with his shotgun in hand" solved that fight :) - & I smiled again. :) Great write!! :) I can hardly wait to see what happens next. :) I have read & commented on your book & will back it when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book, too. :) Thank you so very much for ******-ing & backing my memoirs/testimony book :) - could you please keep it on your bookshelf, because after my trying for almost a year to be chosen in the top 5 of the editor's desk, I need help as #1 to be anchored in so that I don't slide out the way I did last month when I was #4 & 2 people passed me, pushing me out to #6, so I didn't get chosen in the top 5 of the editor's desk January 31 - now, I really need help to hold me in & & would so much appreciate your helping me. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing more than 24 hours & the longer on our bookshelves, the more they move up :)

Wow thank you so much for reading my first few chapters! :D This is o cool because today is the first time I have ever posted any of my work here and I am very glad that i gotten such wonderful responses. To think I haven't even revised this yet. I just started writing this in mid January and I am so happy with it. Thank you very much! :D

Dear Emily, I love tender "age 20 Alisa... her parents... in a tragic plane crash on their way back from"... vacation in "Mexico" & "Alisa still not recovered from the loss of her sled dogs"... 2 years earlier... "when "she and her dogs broke though the" thin "ice... in the lower parts of Alaska... Alisa tried to save... her team of sled dogs but there was nothing she could do... people rushed to help her.. could only rescue Alisa... has vowed never again to race or own a team of dogs... so she took over her parents' general store... works hard to forget and distract herself; her two friends are afraid to leave her by herself for fear of her breaking down," as your pitch portrays. :) WOW!! My heart goes out to Alisa. :) I love that as I read your prologue, that Alisa called her sled dogs her "beloved friends" :) - I had pictured white & then read, "Blaze... was pure white with gorgeous blue eyes" :) - I smiled that I had guessed it right. :) My tears welled up as I read on. ;( Great conveyance of feelings. :) ch.1: "another nightmare... after 2 years" - reminded me of finding my 4 year old sister drowned when I was 11 & nightmares for 24 years until I got the "Baptism of the Holy Spirit" when I was 35, as I tell in my memoirs. :) I laughed out loud when I read, "I could not have more people finding out I have a dog" :) - my sister's 15 year old dog died & she cried & cried & she vowed to never have another until a friend had to go into extended care & begged Mary to take her dog Bailey & she loves her so much. :) ch. 3: "with his shotgun in hand" solved that fight :) - & I smiled again. :) Great write!! :) I can hardly wait to see what happens next. :) I have read & commented on your book & will back it when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book, too. :) Thank you so very much for ******-ing & backing my memoirs/testimony book :) - could you please keep it on your bookshelf, because after my trying for almost a year to be chosen in the top 5 of the editor's desk, I need help as #1 to be anchored in so that I don't slide out the way I did last month when I was #4 & 2 people passed me, pushing me out to #6, so I didn't get chosen in the top 5 of the editor's desk January 31 - now, I really need help to hold me in & & would so much appreciate your helping me. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing more than 24 hours & the longer on our bookshelves, the more they move up :)

Hi, I see you've tagged this YA, but have a 22yr old MC. YA fills the gap between Childrens 9-12 (Middle Grade) and 18+ Adult ficiton, and is aimed at a target readership of 13-16yr olds. I think teens would have trouble empathising with am adult main character, and since it breaks one of the conventions of YA fiction it could earn an automatic rejection from agents specialising in the genre. I think you could safely reduce the mc's age to 16 without compromising the central premiss of the story.
All the best with it,
NaomiM

Thank you for telling me that. I didn't even realize that I tagged it as yound adult. She has to be twenty-two so there is no way I could ever change it because in my mind she is a women not a child. My mistake for clicking YA.

Hi, I see you've tagged this YA, but have a 22yr old MC. YA fills the gap between Childrens 9-12 (Middle Grade) and 18+ Adult ficiton, and is aimed at a target readership of 13-16yr olds. I think teens would have trouble empathising with am adult main character, and since it breaks one of the conventions of YA fiction it could earn an automatic rejection from agents specialising in the genre. I think you could safely reduce the mc's age to 16 without compromising the central premiss of the story.
All the best with it,
NaomiM

:) will comment on your book as soon I have read it :) - let me know. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have gold ******-rated your great pitch. :)

Thank you so much. :)

:) will comment on your book as soon I have read it :) - let me know. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have gold ******-rated your great pitch. :) Read & commented on 3 hours later. :)