Fortress for One

This is so excellently written and truly wonderful read, I love your first book too. You are in no doubt a vet talented writer. All the best Karen, Faking it in France.

Hi Mary,

I really like the cinematic start. I used to shotlist tv programmes for Ireland’s national broadcaster, so I appreciate the little cut scenes one after the other. It builds the setting and atmosphere very well. It’s a cool narrative voice that can mull the appropriate music for the credits. Though with the upbeat music choice – the scenes described were a bit more melancholic.

I thought it might be interesting if the narrator made more direct reference to the limitations of telling Gina’s story through a lens before delving into her head. So the camera zooms to her face and the narrator makes a few guesses to interpret a crease of her brow, before deciding we’ll have to abandon the camera and look closer (just a thought!)

You capture the atmosphere of office life on a rainy day. And the exchange with Nehra is rendered really well: great details, very credible dialogue and well-paced. Also during the phone conversation with Shareen, Gina’s reflections and idiosyncratic work methods suggest a complex, well-rounded character.

I thought Amanda’s introduction was a bit abrupt here. Perhaps you can leave it until we meet her.

The flashbacks for Gina’s memories are deftly handled, and introduce her family well, especially Helen.

The fact she cleans Me Seutter’s glasses is a great detail, it says so much. And her observations are always astute, such as Deborah’s life in California.

Overall the writing is excellent, and a pleasure to read. I think your narrator begins so boldly that we should hear more of that voice throughout the chapter, just the odd comment here and there. I hope to read more soon. Six stars.

Andrew.
The Morning Drop

Hi Mary.
I thought this was absolutely phenomenal from the epigraph,even before Chapter 1!! Beautiful language and imagery. Very modern, written for a generation brought up on the language of film. Brave and unique, snappy and complex.
I have cleared space for it on my shelf. Can't find fault with it at all. Only wish I could write as beautifully.
The only thing, is your pitch doesn't do the novel justice. Better not to describe what happens so much, you just need a few hooks to intrigue. I'm no expert, but it's worth having another go.
Sharda.
P.S. I think we were doing a reading swap... but not sure mine bears comparison!!
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

That's a bombshell at the end of chapter three and you have set up some great hooks! Let me know when this is published and I buy a copy. Juliet

Wonderful first chapter - reminding me why I bought Qualities of Wood - on my kindle to read - soon. You convey tone so deftly and the film references, give us insight in Gina's personality, with no telling. Will return to read the further two chapters and if I like them as much, on my shelf. Juliet

Lovely stuff, Mary. Highly starred and a spot on my shelf when I get a chance to shuffle things around.

The prose is just so smooth with a clever blend of simple, direct storytelling and more involved, often quirkily original imagery and phrasing. In terms of the ‘feel’ of the novel, it reminded me very much of Suzanne Berne’s ‘A Crime in the Neighborhood’ – subtly disturbing goings on lurking beneath a mantle of mundane normality – which, in my book, is no bad thing!! I really like the forthright, unequivocally filmic way you establish scenes – an unusual and very effective way to root the reader in the moment.

The dialogue feels real and purposeful and helps both to energise scenes and subtly flesh out the novel’s various characters. Nicely done. Gina comes across as a complex, appealingly flawed main character, someone the reader can immediately identify with and care about. The novel feels very much character rather than plot led. As a reader, therefore, I have to care about Gina and her apparently ‘small’ life. Three chapters in and, though a combination of deft characterisation and occasional nuggets of back story artfully dropped into the narrative, I’m still sufficiently intrigued by this seemingly unremarkable woman to read on. Clever stuff.

The plot sounds well thought out and subtle and, with its blend of intrigue, drama, pathos etc, should appeal to a broad cross section of readers. I’m a big fan of novels where the timeframe is limited as it allows for a very detailed, focussed examination of a character’s psychological make-up, motivation, emotional state etc, although I suppose some readers may find the format a little frustrating. (I’m assuming, though, that there will be more flashback scenes as the novel progresses which will, no doubt, imbue the storyline with a more expansive feel??) In terms of pacing, apart from the revelation at the end of ch3, not an awful lot ‘happens’. Again, I’m not complaining. I like a novel that takes its time, concentrating on establishing character before rushing headlong into plot development, although the leisurely pace of the opening chapters may well deter some readers.

In short, a very stylish, subtle, intriguing opening. Thanks and best of luck. P



I made some notes on the opening chapter as I went along. Feel free to ignore!!

As a general point, I’m not a big fan of any sort of quotation as a preface to a novel. I know lots of authors use them so many readers must like them but, for me, I always feel as if the author is trying to ride on the literary (or philosophical, political etc) coattails of the writer of the original quotation. Not that I’m saying your writing is lacking literary merit. It has a lyrical beauty all of its own and, for me, doesn’t need the help of what is admittedly an extremely vivid, thought provoking piece of poetry. As a secondary point, although his name did ring a bell after I Googled him (‘Red Badge of Courage’ etc) I’m afraid, initially at least, I didn’t know who Stephen Crane was, although I’m sure his name will mean a lot more to American readers??

I love the fragmented, declarative sentences you use in the opening paras. Very visual, sensory. The reader is immediately immersed in the scene.

I like the ref to Gina as Gina H. Lends an Orwellian bleakness to the piece.

I’m afraid I couldn’t place the italicised lyrics??

The ref to Mr Suetter’s office threw me. I assumed we were watching Gina in her home. Maybe I missed something??

‘glistening sheets of absolution’ – not sure about this?? feels a bit overwritten, clunky??

co-workers not coworkers??

‘the more likely she wouldn’t find a seat’ – feels a bit awkward?? maybe ‘the less likely she’d find a seat’??

‘still be dark early’ – not sure what this means??

‘She had an area…etc’ – doesn’t seem to scan??

‘Her desk sat…etc’ – reads like the desk (not the cubicle) is lined with shelves etc??

Re dialogue - once or twice, it’s a little unclear who’s talking. (eg. ‘I’m packing up’ - I’m assuming it’s Nehra talking here although, following on from ‘Gina shrugged’, it reads like it should be Gina??)

I’m not sure I understand why N thinks of Bowie’s China Girl?? Is Nehra Chinese?? Maybe I missed something??

I really like the way you drip feed details of N’s life (‘everything going on,’ ‘important day,’ ‘It’s Ian,’ etc) Clever way to keep the reader interested without giving too much away.

‘felt like a piece of furniture…etc’ – lovely line.

‘Shareen exhaled into her ear.’ – reads like she’s breathing in her own ear. Maybe ‘…into Gina’s ear.’??

I can understand your reluctance to over use Gina’s name but simply relying on she/her etc can become a little confusing??

Again, I really like the way you preserve a degree of opaqueness re what Mr Seutter’s company actually does. Clever way to intrigue the reader.

Given how her sister ended up being called ‘Deborah’, I’m curious how Gina ended up with her own name??

‘It was enough’ – love this line. Says so much about G and her expectations of life.

Repetition of ‘looked’ in sentence beginning ‘He looked up…’

‘Gina forgot the doctor’s statements…etc’ – not sure I understand the relevance of this??

I don’t think shins have ‘backs’?? Maybe ‘her calves/the backs of her legs were damp’??

‘Gina couldn’t remember much interaction…etc’ – this feels a bit cold, impersonal?? Maybe ‘G couldn’t remember D and her father talking much…etc’??

I don’t think you can dive feet-first?? Maybe just ‘jumped’??

FORTRESS FOR ONE. I've just read your three posted chapters, Mary, and I'm impressed with several aspects. First, the characterizations are superb--the telling details, the seamless integration of description and action, the tension slipped in without drama, such as locking the car and bolting the door. I liked the device of showing scenes as viewed by a camera (though an overhead pan could hardly discern a "roundish figure" through an umbrella). In doing this, you somehow avoid the sense of "author intrusion." And you skillfully stay in Gina's head while using the third person throughout.

One doubtful impression. The three introductory chapters are fascinating, but generate little tension. Are you getting the story off the ground? Only the unknown woman's missed visit in Chapter 3 introduces a sense of menace, a possible antithesis. Perhaps you could suspend the portrait of Deborah and end Chapter 1 with Gina's anxiety about her date, or something else more relevant to the plot. But don't misunderstand. While I may have grown impatient as you tease us with vignettes of characterization and back-story, I'm still eager to read on. This is fine writing. --Bill

Sometimes you know within a few words that someone can really write, and this is one of those times. I love your opening couple of sentences. It's just perfect. I love all your similes and metaphors in that paragraph, too, but I wonder if there might be a few too many - because they are all crowded together it sort of lessens their impact, I'm not sure where to look, which detail to focus on. If you cut out just a few phrases I think it would help - though they're all lovely so I know that's going to be hard... but maybe you can use them elsewhere. And then the second paragraph is just lovely too. The rhythm of it...
Your prose is dense and beautiful - sometimes I'm not quite sure what you are saying - the part about industry and inertia - but I am carried along by your words. This is exactly the kind of thing I love to read. I know we aren't meant to start with description but if I picked this up in a shop, I'd be sold on it.
I just love how you start with a film-like view, and the music, and how this ties into Gina who is also thinking about images on screen. Who knew that advertising could be so poetic?
Six stars (which I hardly ever give) and in the queue to be backed. This makes me want to read the Qualities of Wood (which I've bought, but am putting off, because I'm not a fan of ebooks!)

Firstly, I’m no expert. Feel free to use what you can and ignore what you don’t find useful.

I love the way this opens, as if through a camera or the images are on a television. I think the start of this imaginative and well done.

I don’t mind the slow start with this so much, but by the end of the first section, we really have no idea of what Gina wants - what her goal is. We are introduced to her boss, parents, sister, and brother all in this first section, but it is unclear what the purpose of it all is, except to set the scene.

Chapter two is all backstory really regarding her brother, family, and still by the end of that chapter, we again have no clear understanding of what Gina wants, nor do we really have any truly interesting information, until we get to the last line of chapter 3

This of course is just my opinion. The writing is good, but I’m not sure about the pace, it is basically 3 chapters, and not short chapters, of narrative with little bits of dialogue sprinkled throughout. It is all telling, very little showing and there doesn’t appear by the end of 11000 words, an enticing incident. We do learn a great deal about Ian and that thread of the story sounded interesting about the adoptive child ect

That said, without a entire book to read, it is impossible to tell if there is a purpose for all that is currently uploaded. To me, every word and sentence really needs to have a purpose, add to setting, character, and story – all of which are impossible to determine fully without an entire story. I did think that this read very much like a first draft, that draft, where we’ve wrote the end, but still have a lot of things now to consider in future edits regarding story and what is an isn’t needed to engage a reader, and you have said on your profile it is still a work in progress, so I would not expect the story to be fully formed at this stage and as such my main thought after reading the end of chapter three was just get it all down on paper, then go back and fix change and polish what you have.

Your blurb as such seems to have what is your story and what you are probably working towards, although I’m not sure that up until the very end of Chapter 3, did that part of the story appear to become the focus.

Some thoughts below as I read, which might help a little when you reedit this.

But it’s not a movie, is it, not a series of moving impressions and words spoken. ----should probably have a question mark…the ‘is it’ I think makes the sentence a question.

All because of a Gap commercial. ---- I don’t understand what a Gap commercial is

These were influential people, Chicago businessmen and women ----- comma here

She had an area that was much bigger ----- need ‘that was A much bigger’

“I’m packing up,” she announced, ---- it isn’t clear who said that

Nehra had vivid eyebrows that she helped with coal black pencil and a mouth highlighted usually in red. ------ I don’t think ‘that she helped with’ is right. Should that be eg had vivid eyebrows, (accentuated or emphasis with coal black pencil)

Every Friday she changed out the socks for a clean pair, ----- don’t need that ‘out’ or you need ‘changed out OF the socks ect )

Tom has that brisket and ---- need a comma before the ‘and’

The phone rang and Nehra stood up.--- can’t remember Nehra sitting down…but I might have missed it

Gina lifted the phone and it slipped until she recovered with her other hand. ---- this sentence doesn’t really make sense. I think you mean, ‘until she recovered the phone in her other hand --- also – you need a comma after ‘phone’

Gina turned in her chair. Above the rooftops, streaks of light pushed through the clouds. But the water blurred things. ---- it isn’t clear what the rain is blurring – things in her mind or things outside the window.

“Yes,” he said. “We’ll look at those on Monday.” He took off his glasses and handed them to her. ---- I’m not sure that dialogue follows. It isn’t clear if he is saying ‘yes’ he wants the message or ‘yes’ he’ll wait till
Monday to look at the messages, and also the dialogue directly after isn’t clear as to what he is handing (them) to her

“No.” Gina opened a drawer and found the cream-colored cloth. Carefully, she cleaned his spectacles, dotted with rainwater. ---- how does she have the ‘rainwater’? – I thought it was raining outside?

The world was a foreign and noisy place once Gina was outside, dwarfed by the buildings and hurrying along LaSalle Street. ---- not getting how it would be foreign when she has done this for the past almost 20 years

Gina couldn’t remember much interaction between her father and Deborah, although in many ways they were
so alike. ----- it isn’t clear if Deborah is so alike Gina or the father

Both dove into their chosen worlds, ---- again it isn’t clear who that ‘both’ refer to

And when the rows of bungalows arrived, uniform ---- should be ‘uniformed’

“Thank you, Mrs. Spark,” she said, stepping up. ----stepping onto the porch?

With the red scarf and her longish nose, she looked like a gypsy. ----just something little, I’d consider having this description when you first describe Mrs Spark

Mrs. Spark disappeared around the corner and quickly scaled the steps to her own porch, still miffed about the baby. ---- I didn’t get this. What baby?

Next to those, a small stack of spiral notebooks. She was on her third. ---- it isn’t clear what is her third? A drink or reading the third notepad

Overall a great start, and I’m sure it will be whipped into shape. I’d greatly like you to let me know, if and when, you upload any edits of your opening chapters.

Hope something helps. Good luck with this.

Read the first 2 chapters. Your MC, Gina, is liiving a very ordinary uneventful life so far. I wonder what's going to happen to bring that life to an abrupt end. I wonder if she'll ever open herself up to find love.
Highly starred and watchlisted.
I like the way you start the first two chapters with a movie themed panorama. I could picture it in my mind's eye. I wonder about the relationship between Gina and her boss.
Good Luck! It's a very good read filled with introverted emotional themes.
Georgia
the Woman From E.A.R.L.

Kia ora Mary,

Just time to read through two chapters before work and loved them both. You have some breathtaking small moments in descriptive detail that I just stopped and admired -"the rain fell clumsily" just one of so many gems. You also truly have the 'show don't tell' adage mastered - you create so many small, memorable, intimate moments that tell so much about a character or a situation. I loved Gina's boss' 20 year old habit of pausing and really looking at her before he left - it is small, human moments like that which inspire deep friendship and loyalty. I also loved the settling down dishes to have an argument in chapter 2 - what a great image and symbol.
The unique 'filming' of the scenes is intriguing -I'm not sure how it will play out in the rest of the book but it's a very interesting curiousity at the moment. This is a beautiful slow cooker - like a divine French stew (lol) -it may test the patience of a few impatient souls out there but for me, it's a wonderful reading experience.

On my shelf very soon.
Very highly recommended and rated -and reading on:)

Kaal Kaczmarek

There is no doubt that HC acquired a talented writer when they selected your previous novel, if this writing is anything to go by. I've read all that you posted and was taken in by the wonderful nuanced detail that said so much with seemlingly few words. Like Gina the prose is careful and well observed with phrases that seem to sigh onto the page. The opening in chapter 1 (after the very potent Crane quote) puts us cinematically into the frame as the reader's focus is slowly brought in on Gina. Gina, with her frustrated longing and years of fortitude perhaps modelled on the roles of her mother's favourite actress Deborah Kerr, shows the reader her careful life, absent of risks, clinging to her familiar roles, never standing out. Her brother, in contrast, is also well drawn from his unstoppable curiousity and intellect that made him dress as a Nigerian dictator for Halloween at age 11 to his inability to lose weight in his later years, despite constant trying. He is person that goes after life, tries different things, through to his current pursuit of a child. He certainly sticks out. But does his determination to achieve his goals blind him to the best approach to succeed? His continued snacking on chocolate and his wife's seeming emotional exhaustion over the adoption process don't seem to penetrate his singleminded view of each goal.

We also see the sister, Deborah, who has her own sense of tight control of life, though, we understand that she "dove into life feet first," like her father. Both of Gina's siblings are strong and we wonder what the package of medical information will provide to shake her out of her low risk unadventurous life. And perhaps what might have prompted such a path.

Besides such well drawn characters the prose is flawless and is full of wonderful phrases that make the reader pause. The details, for example of Mrs. Spark's home, the Halloween costume and others, are just wonderfully observed and provoked many smiles from me. In chapter 2 you approach the first flashback in an unusual cinematic manner in mid narrative yet worked well. Within that flashback we flashback again to her memory of her grandmother and you handle that successfully. There is almost too much flashback to establish backstory, but the quality of the writing I think overcomes that. Highly starred. A most enjoyable read and on my to shelve. Kristin

I enjoyed this book.

Hi Mary,

First congrats on your HC deal for, "The Qualities of Wood." It was such a fabulous read and I thought I would give this one a go as well. Added to my WL and will offer comments when I can :)

All the best,

Brittanee
- Sinful

Gosh, this is fabulous. The prose thrillingly and effortlessly beautiful. It’s clever and witty and brilliantly put together. I love the cinematic shifts to odd camera angles, how you dwarf and fluster Gina out in the world which conversely and cleverly makes her grow in stature as a character. Your images of the world Gina is trying to find herself in are masterful in their eloquence and pictorial insights. It’s writing that is both gorgeously visual and compellingly introspective. Gina, we sense immediately, is a fully realised character. She quickly becomes like a friend. Gives the book traction and flow from the off. The observation that from above they would like “colourful beetles on a piece of foil” is wonderful. And I loved the tricycle drawing rust into the grass too. This is six star writing. I’d be more than happy to buy this.

So that opening is very admirable. Readers love to visualize(In my opinion, at least I know I do!) and you walk us through a scene masterfully. There is an ease to your narrative voice that makes me feel like you are sitting down with me and just reading me your story while I listen and take notes, instead of reading off a computer or book page. This is something that hasn't happened with any book on Autho. I loved your descriptions of Gina, I can tell you have spent time developing and making her come alive for the reader. It is paying off! Keep up the good work. Best of luck with this one reaching the ED too and congrats on your other book!

Ashley

Fortress for One: intense poetical writing, with a wonderful facility for conjuring up atmosphere - just one example, rain, dusk and lights of a city seen from an office. I detect a slight influence of Updike in your prose? (though you don't list his among your favourite books). I have one tentative cavil - I think the very beginning may be a bit too densely lyrical in its language, but only from a commercial point of view, and only if you have any concerns about that.
The workplace doesn't figure a great deal in fiction. In fact, one of many stupid pieces of publishing advice was: don't set a novel in an office. I'm glad to see it's been successfully flouted a few times, and in your case admirably so: there will be a great deal of reader identification with Gina.
I find your characters well observed at this early stage, particularly Amanda.
To return to the writing: this has to be among the very best I've found on the site so far - exceptionally accomplished and controlled. I'm backing the book and starring it highly, in the belief you have something special in the making here.
xavant
That Certain Feeling

Fortress for One. I cant quite make out your cover. Your pitches prepare me for your very well-written story, but you could safely delete the word much from the long pitch.
I take notes as I read, but dontpretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. That poem is one which makes you think...
'The aortic river ... stitched by steel bridges...' what language. I dont picture it as the start of a movie, but vividly, as the real thing.
And that rain falling in glistening sheets of absolution. What a scene you set.
You could delete that word just. You'll find it improves the flow even better.
A subtle way of intimating at Gina's age, and her fear of failing eyesight.
Oh - I assumed she was older than forty.

Ch.2. Gina letting her back spread - and then the split leather seatback lightening... great detail. And an interesting introduction to her family and background. Another day.

Ch.3. You bring out the little things, like checking twice that the car door is locked, and the routine when she enters her house. Gina is alive in the minds of your readers.
After that message - you certainly know how to keep a reader on tenterhooks.

You are an experienced, masterful writer, and I have no doubt this book will reach the heights it deserves.

Jane. (Breath of Africa)

Welcome to the perfectly predictable life of forty something year old Gina! She’s been working the same job for twenty years and obviously can do no wrong workwise. She enjoys living alone and changes her socks every Friday like clockwork. The absolute neatness of her character sets us up for the drama in-store. I enjoy how you show us Gina from different perspectves . First, through a camera/movie lens, then through her own perspective, later on, through a rooftop security lense. Great beginning. Paints the picture and draws the reader in. “The aortic river moves along, all chinked armor and foamy peaks, stitched by steel bridges of various shapes and colors.” I’m envious of this kind of writing!

We see your love of music and art and I feel this will be a rich and rewarding read. Superb writing in the next few paragraphs.

Paragraph five beginning with “the song is simple and mesmerizing” was a bit dense for me, I felt myself having to concentrate a bit more than I wanted to, and I found my eyes wandering a bit. I am happy to say that the next paragraphs after this were engaging and beautifully written, so it was only paragraph five that I might have enjoyed a bit more if it was simplified.

Another great line “ Dark clouds filled the spaces between buildings, like giant black splotches of paint.” I thought the first chapter was beautifully written and you are certainly extremely talented. The only thing I thought was lacking was a cliffhanger at the end of the chapter, which might be helping in prodding readers along.

Congratulations on this beautiful work! An absolute pleasure to read.

- Fortress for One -

(chapters one to three)

I enjoyed this from the very start. The opening is extremely engaging and the writing feels polished and assured throughout. As the reader, you have complete confidence the author knows where she wants to take you and how to get you there.

The opening chapter is extremely atmospheric, the rain-drenched city seeming to mirror something in Gina, and all the characters, Gina, her boss, her friend, the other secretary, even Ian who doesn't appear fully fledged, all walk fully formed into the story. There are enough kernels of plotlines to come to keep the reader going and to let you know this will be a work of some depth.

This is certainly the case with chapter two, as we hear of the rift in the seemingly perfect marriage of Gina's parents and when we have a hint at a perhaps strained relationsip between Gina and her older sister. Chapter three begins to really flesh things out in terms of plot, with the mysterious visitor who comes looking for Gina and Ian and his wife's adoption going into full swing.

This deinitely feels like an acoomplished, published piece of writing already and I was extremely impressed by it. The author obviously has the confidence and the talent not to rush into her storylines and to let things build organically. The writing is lyrical in places and the characterisation is excellent throughout. I also enjoyed the lacing through of humour at various stages, particularly the various awkward and un-PC moments relating to race, e.g., the young Ian wanting to black up, Gina's neighour's discomfort at having two black wise men in her Hristmas decorations and, my own favourite, Gina's drunken railing against her imaginary critics who would have her not know the difference between Russia and Poland. These were all executed perfectly and were almost Ricky Gervaise-like in content and effect.

My nitpicks are extremely minor.

- In the first chapter, I wonder whether there is any legal issue with using the lyrics of the two songs.

- Also in the first chapter, I wondered whether the following was a typo as it felt like it should have another one or two words in it somewhere: "She had an area that was much bigger allotment than the other secretaries."

- In the third chapter, I think there needs to be an apostrophe between the 'g' and 's' in 'First things first.'

As I say, all very minor. This really is an excellent work all round and it was a pleasure to read.

All the best with it,

Ross

i think your title and cover are interesting- i dont really know what to make of them. i like your short pitch a lot- it draws me in and makes me want to read more for sure. i really do like your long pitch too- normally, im not a fan of super long pitches. i think theres a fine line between giving too much away and not giving enough away and i think you figured out the right amount to mention here. i like your story telling for the most part. sometimes i feel its almost a little too much description though.
good luck with this,
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

Mary, I adored your previous book and have been looking forward to reading this new one. I like the title very much, my only concern being the font on the cover which I find difficult to read at the size limitations imposed on covers by the site. As with everything else, a personal view to be discarded at will.
Your pitches are sublime. Tightly efficient, their brevity alone demanding the reader's attention. You introduce Gina, tell us a little about her and suggest so much more. beautifully crafted and an object lesson in the vital skill of pitching.
The opening provides evidence of a real writer at work, mastery of word choice and sentence construction, but you also have given a great deal of thought to plot construction to judge from the evidence of the limited chapters available here.
There are elements of the book I'd suggest may need a second glance and I see from reading your previous comments these aspects have already been touched upon. This makes two occasions since I've been on the site, over two years, that I've read previous comments before adding my own, both in the past two days. I must break myself of the habit!
I'm not making any suggestions as they'd be impertinent. You're a fine writer and see the book through your own eyes; exactly as it should be. Take praise where it's due, and the odd suggestion which may or may not resonate with how you view the book, but always remember, it's your book and yours alone. I trust you to produce a notable work and am sure you will. On my shelf with admiration.
Jake

I agree with Rena - that first paragraph is as good an opening as I've read anywhere. I also love the way this cinematic view echoes again later - the security camera view too - it's a wonderful way of drawing scene and inducing atmosphere in one move... and the echo pulls the work together and creates a delicious rhythm.

Atmosphere is the key word for what I read of this work. You've captured perfectly that heaviness of late afternoon/early evening, rain, office life versus "the other world"... that period of the working day where a person switches from one to the other. The only sticking point for me was the image of "cold outside gripping me" with "boiling clouds". A nit pick, I know, but the two opposing images of cold and boiling jarred me out of the rhythm.

The rhythm overall is lovely. The observations rich and well-made. The dips into the past - Gina's family life - flow seamlessly with the current narrative and this, I find, really skilled.

I read this late last night. Woke this morning and the atmosphere of your book returned. Quite a feat that, as my head is usually filled with other stuff first thing. I sat outside with a coffee and pictured again that office window, the rain, the darkening outside, the end of the working day... and I thought, wow, that was a great piece of writing to have stayed in my head all night.

I'll read more when I have time - I'm aware I've said nothing about characters or plot... but for me, this initial read of the first couple of chapters, was atmosphere, atmosphere, atmosphere. Good stuff.

If it wasn't your pitch that drew me in - the quotes alone at the beginning of your novel would have been enough to draw me in, and if that wasn't enough, your first paragraph was enough to make me say "OMG YES! I am backing this now!"

So I read on. And I didn't change my mind at all. Wow. I pick the books for my shelf very carefully and it is rare that I read one and say - okay - this is bumping something off my shelf right now. I am only amazed that your book is not ranked higher and has no received more attention.

Your prose is lyrical. Your writing elegant. Your storytelling measured and precise - carefully crafted.

This is really that good. It's no wonder that you made the desk with a different work.

6 starred and backed.

- Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles and Blown to Smithereens

There is some beautiful writing in here, but after a while it gets a little stifled by too much detail.

Your writing is deliberate -- searching for the best possible way to create the scene, the mood, the questions. It says, "I have spent real time on this, and therefore, I've spent real time on you, the reader. And what I have spent such time and consideration on is deserving of your time and consideration."

Kahlil Gibran, one of my favorite authors and artists, held onto his book, "The Prophet" for four years after he finished it because, he told his publisher, he had to be absolutely certain that each and every word was the exact best possible word, each sentence the best it could possibly be, before he could let that particular book go to print.

It's this passion for connecting the reader to the story that comes through in your writing. It's an act of love, on your part, and I have to tell you, I love to read what you write. I love the way you write, and I wish you all the very best with this, and every project!

Very sincerely,
Judy

Like your first book, I really enjoyed reding Fortress of One. Middle aged, Gina draws you in and you want to find out what is about to happen in her life. My only qualm would be the cover. I can't distinguish the writing or the picture. Best of luck with your book.
Red

Hi Mary, I'll leave comments as I go.
The short pitch makes me want to read, and though the long pitch contains the elements to do so too - the disrupted life, the manila envelope, the different future - I think you can make it more dramatic.
The opening is very visual and atmospheric, but as your pitch is all about Gina, I was feeling 'I want to meet Gina!' and didn't really settle until the paragraph starting with "Evening was closing in..." The earlier stuff is great writing but maybe put it in slightly later, so we can see it through Gina's eyes?
After that it's really good - Gina is an easy character to relate to (even for a bloke like me!) through her recollections and observations. Mr Seutter too, by his simple act of thanks, adds both to his own character, and to Gina's by her appreciation of it. I like the rain too. I almost felt like I was getting wet!
The phrase - "To a rooftop camera" doesn't feel like Gina. Maybe because of the opening. The cinematic allusions are fine but I do think you need to get us to believe they're Gina's idea not yours.
So, Mary, some great writing here, and you've done the most important thing - got me to care about your mc. Good luck with it! Simon x

Primrose Hill wrote 21 hours ago [edit comment]

Sorry, Mary, I added this comment to the other book by mistake, so have re-pasted it here. Hope that's OK.

Fortress for One chs. 1-3. I read chapter one twice, for the subtext, and because there seemed to be a lot happening; and the rest i read only once.
I take it this is a first draft, and so I won't go into detailed editing.

I like it. Older single women of Gina's sort are not frequent main characters in the pages of novels, so I love the way you take up her case, warts and all, and set about making her interesting. And you do. And there's a down to earth authentic feel to the characterisation of the rest of her family too.

I love the wipe sweep of the opening paragraphs, the cinematic feel, though I wonder why you need, 'If this were a movie.... Unless you are trying to tell us something about Gina's character. I would be inclined to begin, 'Chicago in the Rain.' It's stronger. And I'd cut, 'Direction is subjective,' and go straight to, 'Another pair of eyes.' In other words, keep the cinematic stance, the ambiguity, without the stated allusion, until you get to, 'But it's not a movie' I'd keep that. 'But it's not a movie', gives a good signal to the reader that we are moving from omniscient to 3rd person close POV. It's all you need.

The segue from Gina at the office to the Gap commercial is very well done, evocative, and I love the way you give us an all-round picture of her life, office life, home life, inner and outer, as well as her relationship with the boss.

In the paragraph beginning, 'Once, Gina's parents went to the drive-in....' I found the characterisation there of both Gina and her mother beautifully evoked, but in the next para., I wasn't sure what you were hinting at. As I did not know at that point that Gina had an older sister, who, it turns out later, is called Deborah, I wondered if you meant her mother had called her after Gina Lollobrigida, perhaps! Withholding this information about the siter does n't really add anything in terms of suspense, so I would clarify that.

I would also cut Gina seeing her features in the computer screen (a mirror), as it is such a cliche, as are 'shards'.
As main POV character, we need a sense of her physical presence more than her actual features, and you'll find a more personal way to include them at some point.

Otherwise, I couldn't find any more problems with chs. 2 and 3, except for the enormous amount of backstory. But I imagine you will weed that out at a later stage, once you discover what you need to tell the reader for the sake of the story, and what you can keep to yourself. The revelation at the end of ch.3 of the existence of a
daughter was totally unexpected, and hook to read on. Do please message me if you upload any more, as I would like to read more of this. And good luck.

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: A melancholy start. A strangely fascinating, quirky main character. Good deep point of view. Good descriptions. Good period detail. Atmospheric. Not much tension. Slow pacing, but it generally seems to work.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "It is bitter - bitter" he answered; Comma after the second 'bitter.'
2) ' ... maybe Bach's suite for solo cello ... ' Capitalize suite, solo and cello.
3) 'But her rolodex and typing system had worked for years and ... ' Capitalize 'rolodex.' There is another instance where 'rolodex' should be capitalized.
4) Capitalize 'interstate.'

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) ' ... but many times Gina felt confused in his presence ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the feeling so the reader can experience the feeling along with Gina. When you do this the reader will be drawn deeper into your story and 'Gina felt' will be implied.
2) ' ... wafts of Chantilly Lace perfume rippling from its undersides ... ' Consider characterizing the 'wafts.' How does Chantilly Lace perfume smell? Lavendar? Rose? Magnolia? When you characterize an aroma it draws the reader deeper into your story.

Specific comments in the third chapter:
1) "No, no." Gina said. Comma after the second 'no.'
2) ' ... and this became part of their conception of their mother.' I realize 'conception' is properly used in this sentence. But, because the word is also commonly used for fertilization, it pulled me momentarily out of your story while I figured out what you meant.
3) Hyphenate 'self control.'
4) 'Six fifteen, p.m.' Remove the comma after 'fifteen.'
5) Good end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique will help you further polish these all imprtant first chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what work for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a fabulous day.

Al

Mary,
"Fortress for One" is intriguingly intimate, getting me into the mind of Gina, comfortably situated, completely satisfied with her own single-woman's version of domestic bliss. Her foes therefore come in the form of those who innocently intrude into her comfort zone. What a scenario. The possibilities are limitless and I'm delighted watching them unfurl before my eyes. Thank you so much for this clever book..

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Mary, I'm sure by now you know you're a very talented writer. I savored the first chapter.

I think there are a few instances where you can cut back on your descriptions (...a pair of GRINNING dancers.., ...this COMPELLING video of joyful youngsters). It gets a little distracting after a while.

There's also an instance which could benefit from the reverse action. (Outside's chill gripped her shoulders like hands.) Feels like something is missing in the simile. I'd place an interesting adjective right before "hands."

Finally, I've seen and admired your writing, and I know you're way above writing the cliched 'like bullets" simile. I know you can come up with something more creative.

All in all, though, this first chapter shows great promise as a literary read.

Happy writing :)

Joffrey

I feel nervous commenting on work in progress because you often don't know where a book should begin until you get to the very end. Your writing is very good, Mary. You're particularly strong on dialogue and description. I wasn't convinced by the references to films as they made me feel one step removed from what was going on. I'd only use them if they are important to the plot. Also, i thought there was a little too much back story in chapter 2 and that you needed a few more hooks early on. But don't worry about any of this now, just keep moving forward with the story.
Let me know when you're finished and i'll take a proper look at it for you.
With my very best wishes
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

There is literary fiction, and there is GOOD literary fiction. This is good. The writing is witty and sharp. Clever. The narrator's voice draws you in immediately. I read the Qualities of Wood, but I must say that this one grabbed me even more! The title is great and I love the quotes at the start of chapter 1, which really sets up the story. (I think you need a better cover though! Just saying--it doesn't do the quality of the story or writing any justice.)

The description of Nehra is fantastic (vivid, original, fresh), and the way that narrator describes feels right in line with the POV character. She thinks in terms of media--movies, songs. You create such a complex and heartwrenching dynamic between Gina and her father. She sees him as "the center of the family". She wishes she could be a better reader, like he is. It is clear she admires him. But then, she sees how her father sees Deborah as beauty in the family, and creates a sense of longing. She seems to want to be acknowledged as "the _____ in the family, but doesn't yet know what her place in the family is. And I think she wants to know, and wants her father to know it too. There's be validation in it for her if he did, because he is the center of the family and she thinks in terms of his opinions.

It will be interesting to see how accurate her perceptions are and where you take this story.

After reading the first chapter, I returned to the premise, which sounds great. I have to admit that the office scene, while I understand is a set up for the story, just didn't really pull me in. The writing is great, but perhaps because I used to do office work, I am completely turned off by reading about office work. That would be the only downfall of the start of this story for me--and it's certainly no reason to change anything, just my honest, unfiltered reaction.

I wish you tons of success with this book. It deserves it. You are a true writer, and you will be one of the few who "make it". Keep it up!

-Becca

Hi,
I never read Qualities of Wood, but I can see why you were so popular and why you deserved to be on the editors desk.
This is highly polished writing. Reads like a published novel already, even though it seems you are only putting it up as a working draft. I wish my final draft sounded like this!!!!
You have many comments below that seem to be giving you good advice, and I certainly don't deem myself knowledgable enough to add any criticisms. For me as a reader this worked well, and from your first chapter I was immediately drawn into the story by Gina's character. I like lonely islolated characters, they have an intriguing charm about them, that entices me to want to find out more.
I really enjoyed the tin foil description and the constant references to the movies, it gave the writing another dimension for the reader to hold onto.
I would read further, but I hate disappointment, and i don't want to delve further, knowing I won't be able to read on. Let me know if you post more than the three chapters and I'll definitely come back for another look.
Congratulations on what you have achieved so far, I hope you are as succesful with this one.
Cheers Jacoba

Evocative writing style. Very enjoyable read. Trust the readers a bit more though and let go of repeating. Gina's name for one is everywhere. Trust that the readers remember it. Also develop the character. Let her words speak without direction, and open up the dialogue. Overall a fantastic well polished novel!

Elegant confident writing. I greatly enjoyed what i read.

FORTRESS FOR ONE - I am not surprised HC have taken an interest in your writing – I supported Qualities of wood, when I was on here before as ju-ju, but back to Fortress for One, and despite it being an early draft, you have done it again, hooked me in with fantastic characterisation and well observed writing. The revelation about Michelle at the end of chapter 3 really ups my interest in Gina and my understanding of her buttoned up existence. I felt chapter two was a little too heavy on the backstory, but I imagine when you’ve written it all and go back to rewrite/edit you will pull back – I don’t think you need as much explanation about Ian upfront, and I am finding Deborah a bit vague, so maybe give one a bit more and the other a bit less.

I really like the omniscient, filmic passages but I am struggling to see how they fit – If Gina were a film buff (escaped into films) then it would make more sense, otherwise as clever is the writing is the fact it stands out so much is distracting.

Apart from the couple of issues above I have no crit to make and would love to read on – also if you need someone to read the whole MS – give me a shout, this is my kind of book. Juliet

ch 2

i wonder about the reference to movies. is gina a big movie buff? seems like there should be a connection.

you say she didn't go to "regular" college. did she go to another kind of college?

let him tell her about nigeria- seems a vague summary of the scene.

not needed: "his new interest" -this is obvious from the scene.

"as people say"?

check the tense in the paragraph about gina and the broker. maybe "it wouldn't be until much later..." as it is, i get confused- the paragraph rushes through the stages of the relationship,

i do love your description of her confusion in this relationship- discussing the weather, something to do.

the transition from gina getting ready for her date and then suddenly she's home- is not that smooth. the paragraph that rushes through their relationship could be tweaked and slightly expanded to make this smoother.

the dialogue with the parents is awesome. shows their tenderness with each other as well as the tension inevitable in a long marriage.

typo: "what i should BE doing"

the transition back to the train feels off as well. have you considered breaking it into 2 scenes?

once you shift into background about the adoption, you start to lose me. all of these details are interesting and well written. i don't suggest cutting any of it. but i'd break it up with some active present scene. right now you're moving us from background saga to background saga and i'm losing track of the main story.

i hate having to read your stuff on a computer screen. this is fully polished and reads like a published work. your pitch reads like a final draft. i would buy this- and then i could read it in comfort, under a quilt in bed.

your transitions from the active scene ro background narration are seamless.

you use the word "reddish" twice and both times it seemed like another word or group of words would work better.

you describe her friend as growing her hair in layers but i am pretty sure that's impossible... cut into layers?

you tell us the mc AND HER SISTER remembered something- which is an odd pov.

i especially liked the part where she considers her feelings about her brother not knowing she doesn't really drive. it is a very good detAil to show her introspection and self-consciousness.

also enjoyed the bit about the sister and here blue pill and why gina doesn't ask about it. very revealing glimpses into the mc.

i'm sure i'll be back to read beyond chapter one.

Hi Mary,
Firstly, I hope this is a conversation about your latest project and I am happy to delete comments as we go along.
I have skimmed your 3 chapters and I am re reading chapter 1. As always, please remember these are only my thoughts/ my pov. And I do not write like you (although I wish I did: mine is stripped to the bone almost).
So, some ideas:
1 I am still not sure you need to tell me ‘If this was a movie...but it’s not a movie...’ Can you not just begin:
Chicago.
And then sweep through the cinematic view down to Gina in the office?
2 I would want to change the order of some paragraphs as outlined below:
The rain was pelting the window now. Gina turned in her chair and above the rooftops, streaks of lightning pushed through the clouds. But the water blurred things.
go to (as next paragraph)Although Gina was aware of her current state (but remember she is sitting not standing)...then at end of that paragraph
go back to. Once Gina’s parents went to a drive in...
But start it: Gina remembered the rainy night her parents had gone to a drive in; her mother had waited for months for the Night of The Iguana to open.Gina and her sister (Debbie?) had sat up with her grandmother...(NB not sure of your use of verb tenses in this and next paragraph, used mother had waited correctly I think, but then changed tense?)
Then go to. ‘It was a commonly accepted fact...’
Then. ‘Down the long hallway Mr Seutter ambled,...’
For me it hold together better that way.
??? Hope it makes sense and you can follow what I am suggesting.
3 Did you mean?
Outside’s chill gripped her shoulders...(how, if she is inside office?)
Shopping the farmer’s market...(at?)
Nehra, who already was retreating (was retreating already?)
Shielding her hair?
Hope it’s useful, if not let me know. Happy to read more and, as I said, happy to rub all this out at any time,
John

Hi Mary,
We are about to go out for dinner, but I when I saw that you uploaded this new work, I had to take a look. Having grown up in Lake Forest and Ravinia, it's great to read of a Chicago setting. Years ago, when working for Allstate, I canvassed Swedetown. I will come back for a more contemplative read, but for now, I'll say that this should earn you a gold medal, too. Very professionally written, of course. More importantly, the storytelling has a pull to it that is irresistible. I really liked how you described the awkwardness between Gina and Shareen: neither fully understanding . . . neither fully at ease in the other's company. Insightful.
WLd for that more serious read. And now, Chez Charles, here we come.
Best,
John B Campbell