Passenger

Very, very good; I wasn’t sure at first, but after a page or two it just got better and better, till I was holding my breath by the end.

I was impressed by the effortless way you convey Rachel’s extra powers, without making a big thing of it. I like the idea of vicarious shoe-shopping enjoyment. A bit more description of the storage place so I could visualize it would be nice. Press on with the novel!

This has to go on my shelf.

[Paragraph five might be better broken into shorter sentences. ‘Hopefully’ is often misused, but in a first paragraph it might be enough to put off a pedantic agent. ‘Three of us sat in the corner’ – ‘three of us sitting…’]

Dear Katie,

These people definitely deserve a full-length novel. To write with two voices is a great skill. And to make the story around them so compelling and, to me, eerie (got goosebumps as I write this), is a major achievement. Write the novel. The people who've come to life in your head deserve more than 10k words. And so do your readers.

I'm putting this on my rotating bookshelf.

R

I haven't finished the novel, but I'm enjoying it very much. It was a little dodgy at the start (not that that's bad, most stories are), but once you got into the flow it's reading very well and you handle the dual-first-person deftly and it doesn't distract from the story.

Best wishes with this one, and your next :)

, Mike

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Katie,

This has been on my watchlist for absolute ages and I finally got time to read it. It is very good and does warrant further development into a novel.

I particularly like the way you deal with the 'extra powers' issue. It is integral but very understated. It benefits from having no fanfare intorduction/explanation. It comes across to the reader as very natural.
I understand with the short length of your tale that character development is limited and probably unnecessary but I would have liked a pointer towards how these people look, tall, short, skinny, blond that kind of thing.

Timing/Setting is similarly vague, it has the feel of an 80's cop drama but assume you are aiming for a near future time?

The second POV is confusing to my mind. The Rachel character is strong enough to carry the story on her own. If you need to be in James' head, let her do it with her powers. There is little that he says that warrants giving his mind that much significance.
You could have put us readers in Seymour's mind, especially at the end when it is invaded. Now that would have been worthwhile.

But overall I think you have a good central idea, a flair for pace and at least one strong character so far. I can see a hit TV show in your future. Will pop this on my shelf as a contribution to your further progress. Get writing

all the best
Stephen

PS - one more comment. Wasn't sure when this was set or where?

I am doing a belated return read (Voices of Angels) sorry for the delay. I'm afraid I don't have much in the way of comments (authonomy had left me jaded!) but i did read all 6 chapters. I really like the concept of this - the attentive, the imprint, the housing of someone's soul in your mind. I think this has selling power. I like the mix of detective and some kind of spiritual gift. I think this would be marketable.
Your writing style is very readable and slick. Reads quick and is engrossing.
In terms of suggestions - I don't think the pitch is all that. It kinda tells us what is happening, rather than just detailing the story. I'm crap at writing pitches so someone wrote mine for me - so will recommend my own. It's a story, rather than being told something. Can you see the difference?
My main concern with this, however, is the split first person narrative. I found it confusing!!!! I wouldn't mind so much if each voice were separated into chapters, but because it happens so frequently I had to keep double-checking to see who was writing. Also, the two voices aren't that dissimilar enough to know who is talking. Personally, I prefer Rachel's voice and question if you need the other pov at all. I haven't read your comments so not sure what the other authonomites say, but would be surprised if I am the only person to comment on this.
But, saying that, like the premise enough to shelve. Good story.
Happy New Year.
Hannah

Wow, this was fantastic! As others have commented, it was a nailbiter that got better and better. Fantastic drama. Great pace that accelerated right to the climax. If this was a whole book, I'd be shelving it!

Are you going to have a collection of 'Attentive' cases featuring Rachel? Will James be earning his stripes in future episodes? Whatever you decide, go for it! I'll back it eagerly!
-Allen

Chapter 3

-"...call into control, both centrally and here..." I don't know what 'both centrally and here' means.
-Can Alfie not hear Rachel's thoughts or words? I'd think hearing, "His Mum's dead..." would set him to roaring!
-I'm getting used to the POV swaps, but I still think they're volleying back and forth a bit much. The narrator, Rachel, has plenty going on to keep me interested her her perspective.
-Another page turning chapter end!

Chapter 2

-A car on the roof of the mall? At first, it seemed it was the only one, but this is a roof parking lot, I'm guessing.
-The POV switch to the constable gives some ok info, but I think it comes at the expense of your story's smooth flow. It took me a moment to figure out we had switched to a new person same time and place, and it was like hitting a speedbump at speed. I'm figuring out the constable will be a player in the rest of the story, but is there a better way to involve his perspective? The middle of a chapter seems too distracting to me.
-Very interesting concept of 'imprinting' at the moment of death. The thought of hearing Where're m' slippahs? forever... GAH!!!
-Nice take on the evolution of terrorism.

Hi, Katie-

Great opening chapter!

The way you bring in the Narrator's special abilities is subtle and clever, as are the peeks into the minds of others. It would be easy to overstate the process, but you never do, and it seems completely ordinary to the narrator, assuring me it is completely natural as well... the fact you *aren't* drawing a lot of verbal arrows towards it lets this reader accept it from the start, and the character is not eclipsed. Well done!
Your stye is laidback and casual, conveying a light mood. This attentive is clearly not jaded or cynical (yet), performing her duty with a sly smile. Given the promise of bloodshed and horror in the first paragraph, I'm curious to see if that continues.

On to Chapter 2

I'm putting this on my shelf and will keep reading it. Well done!

Hi Pete - glad you like it!

Hi Rachel - thanks, and thanks! :)
kt

You've had my detailed comments offline - just wanted to say 'hi' on here & give your story my official backing! :)

Hi Ursula and Alchemist, and thanks for your comments,

Sorry Ursula - I missed your comment so am just replying now - glad to know you enjoyed it. I'm looking at the POV changes, and I'm still wrestling with how to flag the changes best, although some people have said that they don't have a problem, so I don't want to make it too obvious.

Alchemist, I'm not sure I completely agree with your comments about this being a genre novel and therefore needing a big-bang start - but I hope you'll read more.

kt

Not sure about the first person, if she writes as it happens, she cannot know of the coming blooshed. But the same sentence would work in the third person as you, the writer are God and know what happens next. It is a nice voice, though, so if you use the first person you have to be careful what you reveal and how.
Since you're writing a genre novel, it would help if you started with the gripping event and then backtrack the narrative to this. I see I'm not the only one who thinks it's a slow start. Had a quick look at second chapter, it is more gripping. Maybe a swap would help.

Hi Katie, Just read this and enjoyed it. I like the way you reveal Rachel gradually so it's like a gentle introduction to her talent. The idea is good and I like that there are well pointed out downsides to being an attentive and that you've dealt with this through an opening up and closing down procedure. I like the idea of the final imprint before death being left in her mind, it's not something that's been done much.

The only thing I found difficult sometimes was the POV change, it wasn't always clear who was speaking which I guess is a difficulty of two first person speakers. However I still think this is very good and the idea would stand upto a full blown novel.

Hi Katie

thanks for your comment s- I am just editing next chapters and will probably post a bit more at the w/end if you'd take a look!

Thanks

Frankie

Hi Frankie - thanks for the comments. I've commented on Ashes for Roses too. I'd appreciate anyone you can send this way as well - I am ashamed to plug too much, and prefer to gather readers through word-of-mouth. You can let them know that any comments will be reciprocated.
cheers,
Kate

Hi Katie

Have finished all you've posted and think this would make a good full length novel, if you have a plot/sub-plots, more in-depth characterisation. there are a few typos (like using 'there's' when it should be 'there are') but with good editing, you could tighten this up. It's an unusual idea and i think it would work - have shelved your book, and hope it does well

Frankie

PS Did you have a look at Ashes? Your comments would be appreciated...

Frankie

Katie,
Just wanted to let you know I'd read another chapter.

Glad to know you're enjoying it - I hope you like the rest of it, and the genre's not too unnerving :)
kt

Katie,
Just wanted to let you know I'd read another chapter. It held my attention more fully this time, but you're breaking a lot of rules here! Firstly - I wondered about POV - how could she know about the girlfriend of the plod etc. Then it becomes obvious that we are not dealing with the known here but the unknown - the future, someone with as yet unknown powers of mind reading - an attentive. So you're mixing genres. The double narrative jolts you still further, and then you 've got the child imprinting itself on your mind as well as Rachel's. Then I read the blurb and found out this was just a short at 10,000 words and not a finished novel.
Intriguing. Will read more.
Tricia.

Hi Katie,
Just had time to read the first chapter tonight. So these are first impressions. Firstly, I liked the immediacy of the chatty tone . I enjoyed the feeling of having a glimpse into a job very different from my own. I felt really inside Rachel's head.
I found the tense changes quite hard to keep up with - especially in the paragraph where it says 'Shit, first shift is always...' Should some of that paragraph be in the past tense, then moving back to present after the time shift paragraph? Not sure. It's late, but might be worth looking at. Also, with all the other distractions going on here today, I kept getting snagged on the long sentence further up beginning with 'Inspector Pearson...' I think this would read better as two sentences otherwise it's rather convoluted.
Sorry, nit picking, but the first chapter is often the one I know I struggle the most with. And it's so important to keep your reader there - especially a busy editor. Hope it helps, not hinders.
I have to add that old rider of 'I don't read much of this genre...' too!
Back to read more soon.
Tricia.

Hi Frankie and Parlour,

thanks to you both for your comments - I am going to have a good thorough edit and fix the problems you spotted. I'm glad you both liked the story, and thanks for the encouragement. I will definitely have a look at Ashes of Roses, andParlour - if you submit anything, let me know, and I'll happily critique it.

Cheers!

kt

Hi Katie

Like the idea of the two genres in one - the first chapter moves well from routine cop stuff to hints that this cop is something special/unusual - very well done. I do think it could be honed a bit, and have a few suggestions to make the first few paras stand out & appeal to a reader.
1. Suggest you shorten all the sentences in the first two paras to give it more urgency, more pace. You have some long ones later on that also slow things down. I mean the one that starts "I eventually get a security guard..." You definitely get the prize for the longest sentence I've read on Authonomy! If you take out the 'but' and chop the last bit in two, it makes the end line stand out more, I think.
2. The sentence that starts with "Shit, first shift etc. "doesn't scan well - it's clunky and I had to re-read. Should be more like 'Shit, if it's all going to go horribly wrong, then first shift is when it'll happen... '
Ch 2
Starts well - like the young cop who is feeling a bit green round the gills! A good contrast going on. The bomb idea is great - individual bombs, random targets - it's scary stuff. Don't think 'smart-car bomb' is quite right, though - makes you think of cute little green Smart cars - not an image you want right here - 'smart car-bomb or lose the 'car' bit altogether so there's no other association.
Another clunky sentence starts 'Hopefully the kid's young enough not to etc...' which I think could be shortened and improved by saying something like 'Hopefully the kid's too young to realise he could drag the answer from what remains mine in my own mind.' Another is the one that starts 'He looks at me desperately... 'Again, I had to stop and re-read a couple of times to get the sense. Think you could leave that first bit as a sentence, then put something like ''His need for me to take over - and deal with it - washes over me in waves...'

Hope this isn't too picky and in-depth for you, but I really think you've got a good premise here and with a bit of polish, you'd hook readers/agents etc in to carry on & read more Have watchlisted it and will come back to look at other chapters. Feel free to have a look at "Ashes of Roses " for me - I love good crit, and have edited my own several times after evaluating comments and trying things out for size! Hope this helps

Good luck

Frankie

Hi Katie,
Thanks for the shelf space and thanks even more for your comprehensive thoughts on The Thought Shapers. All very useful, Most of the things you've picked up on are things which I've either got in hand, or have found it hard to solve!
Zoe is an enigmatic character, and is supposed to be. Most people have found Daniel to be an interesting foil to Zoe - the way he treats P is different from the way Zoe treats her. I had a lot more backstory in to start with about how she adopted P and then met Daniel, but that has been lost in the edits.
I think I'm going to put in a section where things get heavy with a visit from the Authorities before P goes to the quiz to show possible consequences. What do you think?
Let me know if you do read on. Thanks for the time so far. I've watchlisted Passenger, but I do have a very long watchlist to work through! Be there soon though.
Tricia.

This was an exciting piece of work. As a short story it worked perfectly; however, I too would love to see this in a longer format as a novel. It would be very exciting to read, and a chance to get into these characters further. I love how you portray Rachel as very human despite her gifts, and her ability in that short part about the shoes to have some fun. A good opening, and you obviously know the workings of a police briefing......and if you don't, then it was an excellent bluff.

You have my affliction of "comma disease". I find I constantly have to edit myself out of it, and you may have to do the same. A comma is geared for pauses, and it interuppted my smooth flow of reading with too many pauses (commas). Also, you have my other disease, again, easily fixed with intensive editing and careful thought, which is "adjective disease". Yes, I'm very disabled, but able to cope with boring re-writes. While discriptive prose is good (and you are very good with it) too much is too distracting. It also tends towards "telling" instead of "showing". Let your characters do more actions/dialogue to show their personalities instead of explaining so much.

Your POV switching was very smooth and very good...it's something not all writers can do so effectively. Bravo! Might I suggest, however, that you give better clues to who is speaking...at times I had to go back to make sure I had it right. However I didn't have to do it much, much to your credit. You had enough differences in their personalities that I could usually figure it out without going back. I think it only happened twice, which isn't bad a t all considering the wonderfully fast pace of your story. There wasn't a boring moment in it!

Your characters were rich in personality and well developed...it was as if you knew them in person and interacted with them on a daily basis. Again, I have to say well done. You particularily hit your stride in this as well as the plot in the middle of the story.

All in all, I would love to see an expanded version of this story. The plot was unique, the way you decided to present it was impressive, and your execution, with a few fixes, all in all is a very satisfactory read.

*I warned you I was honest......*blushing**

Parlour

Hi all, responding to 3 of you in one post - hope you don't mind!

- Lisa-Marya - thanks for the comments - I'll have another read through to pick up the remaining niggles, thanks for taking the time to read - and there will be more soon, so feel free to check back in soon!

- DaveG, yep - I think the opening page or two needs another edit. I'm glad you liked the POV style - I have only ever read one book that uses this all the way through, and it worked so exceptionally well in that I thought I'd have a try at it (it is Halting State, by Charlie Stross). I've had some encouraging feedback, so I think I'll keep working at it. yes - the ending is convenient, and thanks for giving me the answer to it at the same time. I hadn't thought much about how to fix it, and I think I'll simply steal your idea...(moo-haha!). Actually - I am going to make a significant change to the ending, in order to make this the opening first few chapters of a series of books, and not just a short story - you heard it here first!

- Meru, thanks for reading, I'm glad that you didn't have too much of a problem with the strange terminology - you're right, it is a staple of sci-fi that things aren't explained, in fact, it's one of the things I like most about the genre, but it can be off-putting if you're not expecting it. I will have another sweep (I've been putting it off) and another look at that troublesome sentence you pointed out. Believe it or not, that single sentence has had about 3 different iterations! and don't worry - I'mnot after compliments (although they are nice to get) - I'm after real, solid critique, and that's what you delivered :))

kt

Katie,

I like your opening paragraph. I'm definitely intrigued by the idea of the character having to minimize input in order to simply avoid seeing and feeling too much.

Knowing that this is science fiction allows me to have more patience with terminology, etc., that is not immediately familiar. This kind of thing is common, and probably unavoidable, in SciFi. I can log things in my memory for future elucidation, and that's okay, as long as elucidation eventually comes.

Suggestion: run a spell-check. (minimize vs. minimise)

The syntax is sometimes unnecessarily convoluted.

Example: You wrote -
"Shit, first shift is always, if it's going to go horribly wrong, where it happens."

Wouldn't it be better to write -
Shit, if it's going to go horribly wrong, first shift is always where it happens.

I didn't read too far, but if I had more time, I would. The feeling I get from the beginning is encouraging. That might sound a little anemic as a compliment, but I'm not easily encouraged. I'm new to Authonomy, and I've only looked at about a dozen books, so far. This is the first one I'm going to add to my bookshelf.

Good Luck!

High Katie,

A nicely written story, and you handle the reveal of racel's abilities well, without any info-dumping.
Telling the story from two first person PoVs is an interesting technique, and you handle it well, keeping the two characters well separated. Would this work well in a novel? I don;t remember reading a book in that style before, but if it's done well, why not.
I thought the opening few paragraphs could do with some tightening, some of the sentences tend to run on, with conditional clauses etc. I think they would improve from simplification or separation.
By the end of the story I didn;t feel like I knew the characters very well. Rachel's narrative is focused in the here & now, working through the puzzle and dealing with Alfie. James is easier to identify because he introspects more.
I thionk the main weakness in the plot is that Shaun being an untrained attentive feels a little convenient for the end of the story. It's a nice setup and I like the way his evil actions bring about his own downfall, but I would prefer if this had been flagged earlier - perhaps it could explain how he's good at his crimes or how he can dominate people easily?
Hope this helps, good luck!

Dave

Katie - I intended 2 chaps but couldn't stop - read all. Marvellous concept of 'attentives' & gradual 'showing'. My only niggle is over P&G. eg 'Her and Alfie'. I hope you'll give it a thorough editing 'cos it's certainly worth it. Plot and characters developing well. Surely you'll make it a novel? I'll wl.

Hi Scarlett and Gillian,

Thanks millions for your kind comments. It's good to know that you've enjoyed it. I was aiming for realism, and it sounds like I'm on the right track.
Scarlett - thanks for the reciprocal read, and I'm glad you liked it. Not at all a bother about timing - I have a full watchlist myself.
Gillian - I owe you a read and comments, and I'll get to the Charter as quickly as I can, I promise! It's on my watchlist :)
kt

Hi Katie, sorry it too me so long to get round to this after we chatted in the forum. I think we did swapsies, but then I don't know if you managed to get a chance to read The Charter either?

WoW! You don't believe in making things easy for himself do you! This is really an original approach to a novel and it must have been difficult to write. I thought it may have been difficult to read, but after the first few paragraphs it really began to gel. You have a real talent with dialogue, and I like Rachel Field. She's gritty and real and I found her situation both compelling and believable. You write well, it's superbly paced and at the end of the excerpt I was very keen to read more. Surely the whole point! I'm bumping you up onto my shelf.

Well done!

Hi Katie, it's funny how you get a pre-conceived idea of someone's writing from their avatar. I came to you in 'Chickens and Churchbells' mode but you soon blew that perception out of the water! I like the gritty 'immediate' style and there are some great lines like 'contagious marital breakdown unhappiness'. The narrative feels very masculine, but I guess that's because Rachel is a sassy, hard edged woman in a man's world.

You kindly looked at Deep Water a little while back and now I'm here to return the favour, with apologies for it taking me a while. I like this Katie, my watchlist and shelf have been in chaos but I'm getting on top of it and have watchlisted you so I can come back to read beyond chapter one.

Hi K,
I'm glad I passsed the test from someone who is 'in the job' Rachel starts out quite arrogant, and then gets pushed off her rung quite sharply, and has to rely on one of those 'plods'. I had a massive grin when reading your comments, thanks a million! I hope you enjoy the rest of it as much. I think I will look again at the first chapter - it's where the comments seem to be directed.

Hi Sue,
I think you have a point there about the two different voices. Perhaps a different font (too obvious?) or re-visit the phraseology, try to make it really obvious - hmm, things to think about. Thanks for your insightful comments.

kt

Okay, I've only read the first chapter...BUT this has captured me! Maybe it's because you used the words 'tooled up', which is lingo I'm familiar with...
I also love the girls choosing platforms to get laid with!
I have to say I resent your reference to the "plods" but that's purely personal AND it's just the kind of thing someone from CIB/CID would think!!! Which I'm guessing is pretty much the department that our narrator is from? So - it's very real while also having the Sci-Fi edge...
I'm going to have to read more of this (you get a high-light on my paper list!) and then I'll babble some more at you.
Thumbs up!
K

Ferrrrrrkkkk!
Okay, so I read Chapter 2...
Jeez you can rope me in, Katie!
What fantastic use of the two narratives!!!!
(I really don't know all the technical terms...Richard once told me I had used subclauses in my writing and I'm like - what's a subclause???)
Oh my - you've got something going here!
Is it just coincidence that "The Matrix" is on TV while I read this? I'm not a sci-fi/futuristic girl but I'm into this.
Definitely more reading of this one to be done.

Thanks Ariom, that's great to hear. If you have any ideas for further stories, I'm all ears.
kt

Hi Katie,

Lexi mentioned your story to me and I am impressed. Very well told, with no unnecessary frills, and the dual narratorship served it well. I for one would like to see more of Rachel.

Derec - thanks for shelving me! And thanks for your comments - they mean a lot. I'm working on a sketch for a full length novel :)

Ariom - will definitely take a look, cheers for having a look - I look forward to your comments.

kt

I'm with Richard on this, you have worked so hard on this already that it deserves to be developed - I think the voice is getting there and if you do decide to carry on with it it will mature nicely - I'm going to shelve it

hello Katie,

Lexi mentioned this one to me and so I'm going to read it at my leisure and get back to you with comments. From the quick glance I took, it looks to be interesting. Good luck!
And if you'd like to visit my books, please do!

Katie - thanks a million for shelving Tyranny! I'm more than grateful, and hope you really enjoy it! I'm very happy to watchlist Passenger in return and as soon as i get back from my weekend away I'll read it and comment back - if I like it, it's on my shelf!
Thanks again
Jo

Hey a fellow crime writer at last! I like the sound of this. you're on my shelf. can i be cheeky and ask you to have a read of The Charter and see what you think too. Many thanks. Back soon.

Thank you Patty for shelving me - it means a lot! I hope you like the edits.

Nicky - those are really good things to hear - thanks a million. I'm really glad to hear what you say about the first person and the tense - both these things are quite contentious and it's a real confidence boost to know I've done it well. I'm going over to post on your comments now...
kt

Katie,

I'm putting this on my shelf for a bit

Katie,
First let me thank you for your continued support, both by displaying my book and always having something nice to say on the forum. I'd love a chickeny chat some time, so if you ever feel like it, my email address is on my page. The names of your girls are much more tasteful than ours, (Bugger, Fuck, Attila the Hen, etc) So sorry it's taken so long to get back to you, as you can imagine, I'm a bit stressed at the moment!
I've only had time to read the first chapters of Passenger, but I was struck immediately by how fluently you write, and your punchy style that is perfect for this genre. You have the knack of writing in the present tense, and first person, which I think is really hard to pull off. Well done. You build the pace really well, and by the end of Chapter 2, I was totally drawn in.
This book deserves a boost. I shall pop it on my shelf briefly (it's already so overloaded!) to catapult you higher in the charts. No.188? Why is this book not higher in the ranks?
Many thanks for everything,
Nicky
(Chickens and Churchbells)

Oh no! Paragraph 5 is actually just one big long sentence! ok - I will review it, and add some more in about the storage place - you're right, the description is a bit brief.
edit...edit...edit
ok - done. I'm about to upload
kt

eek - and I was so keen to do that, I forgot to say thanks! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Very, very good; I wasn’t sure at first, but after a page or two it just got better and better, till I was holding my breath by the end.

I was impressed by the effortless way you convey Rachel’s extra powers, without making a big thing of it. I like the idea of vicarious shoe-shopping enjoyment. A bit more description of the storage place so I could visualize it would be nice. Press on with the novel!

This has to go on my shelf.

[Paragraph five might be better broken into shorter sentences. ‘Hopefully’ is often misused, but in a first paragraph it might be enough to put off a pedantic agent. ‘Three of us sat in the corner’ – ‘three of us sitting…’]

Hi Patty,
Thanks for the comments - you make a good point. If this was just going to be a throw-away short story I think I could get away with being vague about the setting, but as it's not, I think I need to clarify. To put you out of your uncertainty, 'drones' is just an unflattering way of describing 'ordinary people'. Rachel started off being a lot more cynical when I started writing than she actually ended up, so I probably need to revise her opening statements.
cheers,
kt

Katie,

Making some moves on the watchlist! I like this. It's pacey and builds tension well. I also think it's well-written, with a certain economy of words. You could possibly trim a little, but not all that much, I think. You might want to snip some adverbs here and there.

Apart from the above, my feel about this is that I was a bit confused about the setting. Future? Alternate world? At one stage I thought is was set in today's world. I find it hard to get a handle on. I suppose what threw me off a bit was the mention of 'drones' early in the piece. I went back, and still can't figure out if this is meant metaphorically speaking or if they're 'real' drones, as in semi-human, robot-y things. I could also not quite work out, from the reactions of the characters, if people in this world are regularly possessed by souls. I may sound a bit anal, but I'd like to get a feel for those things so I can make up my mind as to how much of a mega-big-shit Rachel is in. Sometimes I feel like she's used to this sort of thing happening, and sometimes I feel it's totally new for everyone.

I'll keep this on the watch list for later.

Hi Ian,
thanks - comments noted, I think you are right and I'll be doing something about it later today :)
kt

Katie, you asked for my comments on your opening and here they are.
This ‘attentive’ thing would be better explained or hinted at in the opening para. Let us know your protagonist is different and looking at things differently. When you finally get to it, it makes the story worth reading on. Until that point I wonder if there is any excitement or anything different to come. Am I bothered to enough read on about a car crime? To begin with I don’t even know there’s a bomb or anything dramatic. All that telling and not showing would be criticized by most agents, I guess, but I can see you want a stream of consciousness to be your main thrust. Basically I would suggest reworking your opening.
Please let me know if this helps in the forum thread. If so, please remember me. As a relative newcomer I do need some help getting some more bookshelvings. For others reading this, my comments here are in response to my ongoing offer in the ‘Dr. Start…’ thread of the General Chat forum to read and constructively comment on openings as quickly as I can – in return for you looking at my work, short comments and hopefully shelving it - wherever appropriate! I am prepared to work for my supper.
Ian Kingsley