Schrödinger's Caterpillar

ComLit review

S's caterpillar' 1-11
Zane,
I have been wanting to read this book since I saw its cover on someone else's bookshelf, and I am really happy to have finally done so. This is really fantastic comic writing; witty and entertaining, yet light and interesting. A good, compelling plot and endearing characters (even though they are endearing for being dolts!) It made me laugh out loud on several occasions, and the chuckle while remembering it. What is more, and perhaps the highest commendation I can give to a comedy book, I thought about it to forget about my worries as I was dozing off to sleep.  I am highly enjoying this. I give it six stars, put it on my shelf and give it six happy faces.
:) :) :) :) :) :)
Maeve
Mrs Maginnes is Dead

A great book. A wickedly humorous dismantling of the insanity of our times. I like your distinctive sense of fun - elements of the surreal worlds of Douglas Adams and David Nobbs and just as amusing. Plenty of ‘I know what you mean!’ moments; the subtle and personal observations that mark out comedic writers that get under your skin. You keep the reader engaged and challenged. Well written but minor typo – ch7 line 6, ‘and she and falls in a faint’. Some of the detail may not cross the pond too well but that is a risk we all face. Both ways.

You handle the profound issues lightly but well and make the obscure accessible, without lecturing. I like the ‘meta’ levels where you step out of the book and address the reader – risky but somehow it works.

Overall, a very entertaining book which I feel deserves to reach the Editor’s Desk and, if this is one of the fairer universes, onwards and upwards.

Nick G (‘Where She Lies’)

This just has to be the funniest book I've read in a long time . . . and I've read some seriously funny books. Every chapter is just overflowing with great humour. I backed it a few days ago after reading the pitch, but I've now also given it 6 stars. Simply brilliant.

Clive
The Pyramid Legacy

This is excellent. 'Both Chapter 5s'. I hereby declare that all books should have two chapter 5s! Consider yourself backed. If this doesn't get published, the rest of us have no hope...

This is a delight. Refreshingly different, clever, and great fun.

I note that the author is an admirer of Robert Rankin. I've only read a little of him (his early Brentford Trilogy stuff, before he exchanged a lot of the 'potential reality' of his books for uber-silliness) and I think Schrodinger's Caterpillar -- a lepidopteral "Sliding Doors" -- could, with a tiny bit of tightening, easily rival some of Rankin's early work.

"Things that belong with things" -- the state of my drawers exactly.

Backed with pleasure.

I turned to this book after seeing Mr. Stumpo's name on a friends blog. I am so glad that I did. Hilarious and well-written. The characters live and breathe. I hope this gets to the ED and hits the bookshelves eventually. Shelved and starred.
Might I prevail upon you to read Kailai and the Dragon Prince? - Gao Zuojia

I never knew physics could be so funny. I love the sense of humour here. Wonderful read on my watch list for now. High stars.
GSB

Why is this one missed?

This sounds wacky, so I’m looking forward to it. The short pitch makes me deeply hope you are going to explain the philosopher’s cat thing, which I am embarrassed not to know, and really want to know. This is my chance to find out. Parallel universe, thank you!

There seems to be both farce and farcical thriller in here, too. “A stupid book for brainy people” is one of the best things I’ve seen in a long time. This alone makes me want to start the first chapter.

By the way, that ranks with “Books You Don’t Need In a Place You Can’t Find”, as tags that made me go straight there and buy something. In that case, I got about 8 great books I didn’t need at all.

On this site, I only ever read one chapter per person, so I hope that’s OK.

Splendid opener. Get the whole universe in there right away, that’s the spirit.
Great style and humour. I don’t always go for puns or little asides directly to the reader, but that’s more a matter of taste. This rolls right along, very enjoyably.

People who miss Douglas Adams will welcome this.

Doppelgraham, I salute you. Good luck on your adventures.

Good luck to you too, author This is a cracker.

Cheers from
Eileen Kardos
The Noodle Trail

Headline: Author found in possession of a sharp and ready wit.

Stroll along or jog joyfully on this caterpillar track. You'll find it a gentle mental amble with no call for ambulances or shrinks as Zane expands loquatic-like and waxes positive chatty. Commentaries on all sorts of stuff to present. Centrifugal forces to debunk. Wit wielded wisely. Well done.

Confession: Didn't read enough to mark the story. But I'd buy this on trust. And look forward to munching it up.

There must be some fun on my shelf and tis is it. What a complicated pitch but never mind, the book is the thing and I loved it. Only carp, the cover. It's too crude when the book itself is clever as well as funny. Backed happily
Lara
A RELATIVE LOSS

As a physicist myself, I must commend you. This is really, really funny.

"If natural selection can create creationists, then it can manage a caterpillar with a face on its arse"
- I started reading this book on the basis of its title alone, and I'm glad I wasn't disappointed! It's hilarious. Within three paragraphs, I'd laughed as many times. Your creativity with words (and make it work) is hugely impressive (richter scale of sweariness/metro-gnome), and makes the book that much more fun. The pace feels frenetic, despite the fact that it's just morning, which I love. it's probably one of the funniest books I've read on authonomy.
- the only critique I can offer is that sometimes it feels a bit TOO fast. Sometimes I feel tangled up in the plot, like I'm not quite sure what's going on. I feel like Graham frequently feels this way too, though, so maybe it's on purpose.
- I'm up to chapter 3, and highly enjoying it. I've given it 6 stars and will add it to my WL, with find some shelf space at some point.
All the best,
Elspeth
(Paragon)

This is brilliantly funny! I am pulled into your mad world and I could happily set up home there!

A definite backing from me!

Lorna
Toward the Closing Door
(of the pitch me thread!)

I like the caterpillar enlightenment is chapter one. It was my most hated creature as a kid. Indeed, it destroyed my plants and veg.

Hello Zane, I love this! It put me in mind of Arthur Dent (hitchhikers guide) with your character Graham, only read 3 chapters but will be back for more. Very entertaining and different ! Highly stared.
Karamak Faking it in France

Schrodinger's caterpillar. Your book sounds great fun - from the pitches.

Ch.1. I usually take notes as I read, and tend to notice nits, but I'm just going to put my pen away and enjoy the read. There are too many giggles disturbing my diaghram (cant spell it), and outright gems to chronicle. Why havent I delved into these pages before?
You're a tonic, and I agree with every word Maeve has said.

Ch.2. Not as funny as the first - but it shows off your knowledge of IT, and no doubt provides a foundation for what's to come.

Ch.3. I wonder which Graham this one is -

Ch.4. Emission Solutions's approach reminds me of developing the plot of a novel ... And the vision of computers examing their ar....ses and getting tied up in their own fundamentals is so laughably horrifyingly true.

You've obviously had great fun writing this book. I wonder what year it's in.... have you got a chapter on approaching the millenium?

Must stop now, but thankyou so much for the read.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Hi Zane,
Love it. Great comic writing. Thoroughly entertaining. I laughed out loud a couple of times so had to put you on my book shelf. :-))
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

I can;t say much other than this was great fun to read...no problems here.

I would have given you seven stars, but they limit us to six. Somewhere in an alternate universe I was able to give you seven tho! I love this book, Zane!
My very best wishes to you!
Mindy
The Wishing Place

Zane, this is awesome!
I have only gotten to chapter 12, but it is hilarious. I look forward to reading more!
Mindy
The Wishing Place

This is the best short pitch ever!
I am starting the book now!
Mindy
The Wishing Place

Hello Zane-

book- Schrodingr's Catapillar-

great cover, eye catching and that catapillar- sinister looking-

read eight chapters of this amazing book last night- it;s witty, smart and as the younger people say ;'cool'
Enjoyed the read as i got carried along with Graham's antics and bringing that catapillar to the office for others
to see- found it a very funny read-
the story is most original as it keeps the pace up, it's a page turner- zany, daft and comic at it's besgt

recommended
it gets my six stars and i have no doubt it will reach the desk-

tom bye
book - from hugs to kisses'
please glance at mine and if you like it- star accordingly- thanks

This is fun, clever and funny, the sort of book I want to read. I hope in a universe somewhere it is a bestseller, and I'm sure it probably is. There are some really good one-liners and its just fun to read.

Only read a bit of this, but Maeve told me the story, and it made me laugh. I love reading about physics, and so this is right up my alley. Looking forward to reading more when I have time.

Howaya doing there
First of all congrats on your book, the only one here which
has made me too late for work.
I've just seen your animation... WOW.. I got to learn how to do that!
Do I recognize an amiable Antrim accent?
And finally thanxalot for the entertainment.. and best of luck with it
mike gilli..... The Free

Com Lit Review

Chapter One

I laughed at Graham's search for a tie. I really laughed at the probability game Graham plays in his head before deciding how to approach the bus situation.

Chapter Two

If not for the well placed intelligent jokes I would have been lost during the description of what EDIT solutions does. Yes I almost laughed out loud and soon enough I did see chapter 4 and 5. Great, I mean great end to the chapter. I really like the last sentence.

Chapter Three

A chuckle at the division of words written across faces and makes me want more.

Chapter Four

Again intelligent, funny, and I find I must read on. Laughing enough a few could be heard.

Chapter Five

Funny, really funny... I like the action and comedy of this chapter very good description I could see the whole scene like a film as I read.

PS

The cover isgreast for this and the pitch is right to entice a reader into taking a look.
:) :) :) :) :)

Com. Lit. Review.
Enjoying the read. There are plenty of 'oh yes' moments like the great flow of muesli. I've even seen the caterpillar and if I were a bird I wouldn't touch it! I like the direct speaking to the reader, starting ch. 4 again and 'if I have to go and find out I'll just keep you all waiting'. It's nice that the doppelganger is the one who ends up in trouble though, of course, he doesn't know he's a doppelganger. Mmm. Mainly I enjoy the word play: con and stern and nation and the undercutting of Pate's intellectualism and the second use of careening. I can't make any sensible critical comments as the science is frankly beyond me. I panic when science is mentioned. From my own area of expertise I would like to point out that skeptical, though not a British spelling, does make a lot more sense and I love the way you use the two spellings here.

Brilliant!
Cover is colorful and inviting; story is well presented, clever, and funny. Conclusion of first chapter gets an A+squared.

A few suggestions:
Consider removing "unfeasibly" from "unfeasibly badly drawn." It stopped me as a reader. Some readers might be able to process this level of detail/this nuance, but some might not.
Add an "a" before "black felt-tipped pen."
For better emphasis on the proper word it modifies consider changing "only takes seventeen seconds" to "takes only seventeen seconds."

Shelvingly yours,
Dean Lombardo
author of "Space Games."

This is great! I have watchlisted it and look forward to reviewing it on the com lit link (once I work out how!)

Now this is funny. Such a whacky take on modern life. Hints of Hitchhiker, maybe? But this is so original. I love the characters and with a name like Zane Stumpo, the author has to be read. The Beeb would make such a wonderful radio series based on this. Wonderful. Candy.

Zane - I've heard of Schrodinger's Cat, but have no idea what it is. Maybe I am the ideal reader. Dostoievsky came to mind ['The Double'] and yes Douglas Adams, but basically, you have to be English to get the full effect of this self-deprecating, Brechtian, NF Simpson world. Particularly laughed at 'a sploot of coffee'... but so many verbal felicities that I rest my case and give you 6 stars... and a shelving on the nebulous shelf, when rotation occurs. Thanks for a great evening - Frances

ComLit review

Schrodinger's Caterpillar (Chapters 1-4)

This is the kind of writing that says to the reader, "Come on in me old mate, have a cuppa and a hobnob or two." Hugely enjoyable, and you've summed it up brilliantly with the 'stupid book for brainy people' end of pitch tagline - beautifully preceeded by that splendid exclamation 'bugger.'

The word play is so smart, and I love the overdescriptiveness. The 'bus' episode in chapter 2 was an inspired piece of over-augmentation over a not especially crucial circumstance - this for me is an important ingredient for great comedy.

I noticed an earlier comment where a reviewer mentioned Douglas Adams and David Nobbs. I can certainly vouch for the Nobbs sense of fun and surrealism - though to my excruciating embarrassment, haven't read a word of Adams. I did, however, stumble upon his grave in Highgate East Cemetery last year.

Very intelligent and very funny. Hats off!

Schroedinger's Caterpillar is hilarious, zany, original, and clever--everything you could want in a fantasy-comedy book. Where do you get your ideas? This might be one of the funniest books on Authonomy. I read the first seven chapters and I'll be back to read more when I get caught up on my reading. I'm giving it six stars.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Zane's book is the best. It's really good.

I have been meaning to get to this for ages and to be honest I have voted for it on Night Reading twice on the strength of the title alone. I have got to it tonight and I am putting it on my watchlist. I am keeping it there until I have read more of it and then I am putting it on my shelf until it gets to the desk. Is that clear enough if not - I LOVE THIS - there - and goodnight. - Diane

I have been meaning to get to this for ages and to be honest I have voted for it on Night Reading twice on the strength of the title alone. I have got to it tonight and I am putting it on my watchlist. I am keeping it there until I have read more of it and then I am putting it on my shelf until it gets to the desk. Is that clear enough if not - I LOVE THIS - there - and goodnight. - Diane

Ahhh, Zane!

Ten chapters in and I just have to applaud you. The writing is great, the humour is fantastic and the content can be enlightening. You've done the Schroedingers cat explanation justice, it makes complete sense, which is perhaps the first time any explanation of it has done.
The opening of chapter 6 is currently a personal favourite, "stapling his groin". You engage the reader in a brilliant manner by aptly and humorously breaking down the fourth wall. For example, the 'Ssssssw' for the sharp intake of breath.

I've rated it with a whole 6 stars and I will make space to back it in a couple of days time!
I'm going to enjoy reading the rest of it now!

Cheers,
Adam

P.S. I agree with how you've spelt 'Pshaw'.

Zane,
I have read the hole book, including the appendixes.
There are very few books I have ever read, on or off Authonomy, that have made me laugh as much, as often and as long as Schrodinger's Caterpillar. I had real doubts that you could keep it up after the first 11 chapters, but this book is fun all through. What I think is more remarkable about this book is that it has, throughout, an extremely fun, interesting plot. It is one of those few funny books that also make you think, that you can chew over later on. I found myself seeking it out for entertainment and, at one point, to get over feeling a bit glum, which it did.
Comedy was invented for just such times, when we need something to get us out of the hole when we are having technical difficulties keeping a stiff upper lip. There are many books that are effective at bringing the ocational smile, a laugh at the expense of of a poor sap... but few that really delight in loveliness of humour itself, that relish in humour as an artform. SC is one of these very few. I recommend it very highly. In spite of those awful puns.
Best,
Maeve

Very clever and articulate writing, really enjoyable! Best of luck with this!
--Tod Schneider
The Lost Wink

ComLit Review for Schrodinger's Caterpillar by Zane Stumpo (Finally got this guy to copy over from the forum.)

The end of the pitch: "a stupid book for brainy people." It's right on the nose. You have to like silly (Monty Python, the Hitchhiker's series, Ardagh) to get this. Fortunately for me, I Love Silly.

I'm six chapters in and so can't comment knowledgeably on novel structure. What I've read has moved right along. All the basics are covered.

Great hook: states the dilemma right away--starts with the inciting incident.
Interesting MC, though not the most likable guy in the world. That can be hard to do.
Lots of quotables: ex.: "If natural selection can create creationists, then it can manage a caterpillar with a face on its arse."
Great transitions.
Foreshadowing is well done. I'm still waiting for Kerri to turn up...I feel she's lurking in the background somewhere, waiting to strike.
Gotta say, there's a wonderful explanation delivered by the MC's coworker, Pate, of the theoretical cat in the box experiment for anyone reading who's unacquainted with the reasoning behind parallel universes. I'd wondered how he'd do it and thought it was very accessible.

I like the pacing. The sentence structure and plot move things right along while following the MC's reasoning on matters allows the reader to sit back and get comfortable and have a laugh.

The narrator involvement keeps Graham, the MC, more likable than he might be otherwise and it's just plain fun.

Dialogue's great. Characterization feels natural. We're getting to know everyone in due time.

This is one of my favorite books on authonomy. I've read some to my nine-year-old. (And just in case you don't think she "got it", the other day I had one of those out-of-nowhere kinda boo-boos (there was blood) and I'm all What The Heck? and she says, "Maybe somebody opened your box." Which, okay, is a little sick. But my point is, that this story is good enough that I'm sharing it with my kids, spouse, random people at Starbucks. Okay, two points. The other is that even my nine-year-old can connect with it. So, at least up to the end of Chapter 6, I'd definitely say it's publishable in its current state(Added in: ...any edits I can do feel nitpicky...I'll give an updated review (if you haven't found a publisher by then and still need Other Writer Input) when I've finished the novel.)

I'm even reading it slowly to make it last.

I'd give a more detailed review, but so far I can't see any improvements to make.

Schrodinger's Caterpillar is just a good time and I recommend it to anyone who likes to laugh.

ComLit Review
If this doubles up, it's because something odd happened while I was typing the first time. (Damn Wacom Tablet-Zane you should appreciate that!)
I have already messaged that I love the animation, and the narration was very much the voice in my head as I read the first chapters. A good thing? I think so, but I kept feeling like I was reading a Dr. Suess narration, something like a more intelligent version of The Grinch.
Nothing negative, except now i have to read the rest, and I have to keep referring back to the original concept of Schrödinger’s Cat on wikepedia (because, really, how often do you explore concepts around quantum physics?)
Chapter 4 really got me, as I was just scratching my head and thinking 'where have we gone now?' when you switched it up! Classic!
As a Yankee, I will agree with a former reviewer about the vocabulary across the pond. American's are lazy, even the academic-types, and you may lose a few on regional-specific-isms.

The MS is very clean but I suspect my inability to find errors was more due to the fact that I was giggling while I was reading. I suddenly have found myself at Chap 14 with very little to show in the pounce on punctuation department. You should find a humourless editing sod to go through it just in case. Love it and have already backed it.

Chap 2
- And not surprisingly IT guy >>And Not surprisingly (the) IT guy
- Although he may have just thought it, and thought some apostrophes as well >>
Although he may have just thought it, along with some apostrophes.

Good luck.

Andrew

A Fatal Misuse of Time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.

Chapter 23 Typo[ the 1st I have noticed] Fortunately for Susan daddy put her to school.....
Should read - Fortunately for Susan, Daddy put her to school...

Rest of chapter excellent. Some naughty bits. Keep it up! LOL

Schrodinger's Caterpillar starts off in a light-hearted way, but gets deeper. A satire of modern society. It can be read on different levels. One day , high school students might curse you when they get this as a set text.

Gillian Begh [Com-Lit review]

I wrote a ComLit review for the Caterpillar. It's in the forum thread, but so far I can't get it to copy over. I'm hanging it up for the night and will try again when I return. Six happy faces!

Best of luck, Nick

See page 10 of ComLit review. Gillian Bergh
The list of tags sounds like a word association game. Great pitch, especially the last line, a silly book for brainy people. You don't mention Graham can be a prat [as some writers might,] but show this effectively. Having a 4X4 because it looks good on the drive, but not being able to afford tax etc sounds like the height of prattiness.
---------
At the end of chapter 1 when he sees his Doppleganger on the bus there is a change in tone. I can't wait to see if anyone notices the difference
In chapter two, the set-up of Edit sounds very odd. I don't know much about business, but odd as it seems, I can imagine such things happen in real life. I was not sure which Graham has turned up, until the end of the chapter when he wished for change.

I have reached chapter 8. I know this is a very short chapter ... reminds me of stage plays where the narrator or a character, expresses thoughts, as an aside to the audience

chapter 12 - Pate for all his pedantry when 'correcting' Graham turns out to be not so word perfect himself and uses malapropisms. 'words of one syllabub' 'consanguineous universes' ? [I am not sure what he means , but I think 'consanguine' means 'with blood?'] Pate reminds me of someone who thought she could impress others by using long words, which she thought were in context. But she only impressed the less informed.

Back to Graham 'Now he lives in a shoebox......Bumface would like this.....So he moves out of the shoebox and gives it to Bumface instead. [it looks like you have 'utilized' what might have originally been a mistake. :-) You bring word-play to new levels.

talking mince? mince pies - lies ? [sounds right]

Chapter 14 - The letter from the lawyer was sooo funny. Saying what they mean, rather than speaking 'Lawyeresque'.

Chapter 16 - 'Fugus walks in a forest' [sounds scary - maybe he tries this later, and gets chased by fungus? [ You sound like a real FUN GUY yourself, Zane. BTW, I mean that as a compliment !] ;)

Chapter 17 - The dialogue about pub names is excellent . Plenty of double-meanings here, originating mainly from the names being misheard or misunderstood.
'That's what I like. Go to the pub and get corrupted.'
Graham looks expectant. There is pregnant pause. His breathing becomes laboured. [will he deliver? I wonder.]

Chapter 19 - This one is the funniest so far - and that's saying something. Very Carry-On ! Graham tries to find a disguise.

Chapter 38 & 39 The type of word-play shown in chapter 12 comes up again. [Horay!] ...and decides to follow a girl with unfeasibly long legs in a remarkably shot skirt. But since he hasn't got a remarkably short skirt....
If you're a deranged zealot, this isn't about you, right?......So don't come round and blow me up,please.

The lawyer firm Squiggle Scrawl and Codical. They have built their reputation on .....Regardless of what they cost their clients.
Trace McCall - apt name for a detective!
Chapter 40 - His Exocet , and other plays on His Excellency. The voice recognition system . [ROTFL ;>]

ComLit review (continued)
Zane,
I am up to ch 22, a bit behind this week, I am afraid, but I wanted to put up some comments before the week closes out. I will read on. The important thing is that I still love it at chapter 22.
Hook and Plot- I think that the physics experiment hook is really great. Schrodingers Cat is so much a part of the cannon that it is universally known, but a refreshing subject for a humour book. 
You start out with the great pun that is the title, which in itself creates a hook. This is a very clever use of the title as a hook. Anyone who has heard of the thought experiment will realise that something is going on when he Graham puts the caterpillar in the box.  Also, the first paragraph is really a great hook, one that guaranties at least several chapters of loyalty. Of course as with any comedy book, it is the humour that caries through, and this does so wonderfully.
The plot development in the first 22 chapters has two distinct sections. The first starts at the universe merging Event and ends around chapter 11, with the fight scene. During this section, it looks like the plot is going to revolve around the fact that DoppelGraham is going to get in trouble and drag Graham down with him- or perhaps the other way around. But then after chapter 11 you do something that surprised me- you made Graham take charge of the power to duplicate himself, and got rid of DoppelGraham. This creates a bit of a lull in the plot development, which is taken up by his growing obsession with seeing his clone again. Now, I do not think that this lull necessarily requires any action, but I think that if you made his nostalgia for his double stronger, it might move this section a bit better. As it is, this is an area where you show us (in a very humorous way) just how miserable his life is.
The second plot section starts with the introduction of Grim Dupeint, which creates a new plot hook, although not a clear one. What exactly does he want to get?
I think that, in spite of this criticism, the plot development works well. That is to say, the story is interesting regardless of the fact that it is funny. While you do not develop your character very much before you have him meet his clone from the alternate universe, his thought processes are enough to make him compelling. From then on, his distress at being impersonated by an impostor, and eventually almost being arrested, work well to hook. 
Character Development- Did I mention that Graham is a dolt? Well, although he is a well developed dolt, character development is not the forte of the first 11 chapters. The lull section does not really develop the character much further- he gets miserable without growing, and you are not going very deep into his consciousness- but perhaps there is nothing there. I am only seeing a bit of development near chapter 19 and 20, where he gets some backbone. Nevertheless, I think that it makes sense that Graham be a stable and somewhat superficial character if he is going to deal with his alter egos from other universes, so this is not a bad thing.
Humour- Although I found some of your puns truly regrettable, the humour was constant and enjoyable. I must say that part of the success of the parts I have read so far for me was your shamelessness- the fact that you are NOT afraid of making terrible puns. I read a theory of bad jokes once, that if you repeat them oft enough, they will become funny. This is my reaction with your "but from our angle we only see" word breakup jokes. They are terrible, but you keep repeating them throughout the book, and so they become funny (it is like Roman's anaX' strange behaviour).
Other word plays I found delightful, like the one about the eyes on the phone, or the Graham moving out of the shoebox. You truly have lost control of your narrator, but this works well for you.
You do go on a bit too much at times, but I always laugh at the end. The bit with the oil companies was just too long, it seemed- even you agreed and had to start over- but by the end of it I was laughing- so it has to be ok. 
OK, I am getting a bit tired, so I will wrap it up for now. I will keep reading and intend on finishing it. 
Here are some comments as I read. As I read further, I started taking less notes and enjoying it more.

1
"Clearly not. If natural selection can create creationists, then it can manage a caterpillar with a face on its arse."
Lol
"he has just changed his life forever. Or till it ends. Whichever comes first."
:)

"Shifting the sink-clogging dregs is later. He pulls the long end through (tie) and plunges. A sploot of coffee fires upwards and lands on his shirt."
Bit informal here. 

"Did I remember to point out that Graham can be quite a prat at times?"
:)

"Even if he had another shirt or could swap a hostage with the machine he wouldn’t have time to change and still catch the 8.21 bus. "
Machine?
Like the probability stuff. 

"Graham isn’t quite trotting as he passes the trees, but he would be disqualified from a walking race. Assuming they’d let him take part in a grey suit in the first place. And let him walk while trying to look backwards, which could be construed as potentially dangerous."

:)

Ok, I am intrigued by the college physics exercise. 



12
"Graham continues to feed and nurture Bumface. Now he lives in a shoebox with airholes and a wonderful selection of leafy things which Graham changes whenever they start to smell or look moody. Bumface would like this, thinks Graham. So he moves out of the shoebox and gives it to Bumface instead. The house seems so much roomier by comparison."

Shameless

As is the warm/arm thing. 
15
oil too long

16
endangered steel mills
:)

I liked this new premise. 
17
Phone joke goes on for a bit, but I still like it. 
"Old Scruttock’s Falling Down Medication"
:)

I am getting interested again  

19
ok
20
I like the 3 universe moment and Graham's gumption.

21
Like eye roll demonstration exercise
 :)

E. waterman
:)

Doesn't hold water
Regrettable 
22

Meeting with Grim is good

Hard drive section is long, but funny.


Zane, 
This is special.
Thank you for putting all of it here.
Best,
Maeve
(Mrs Maginnes is Dead, Fresh Meat)

ComLit review.

C1
I enjoyed the opening, which I found inventive and amusing. Clever writing with some delightful lines. Minor events thwart poor Graham’s start to the day. I did find the frequent use of statistics a bit wearing, but I suspect I'm in the minority. I thought the appearance of Doppelgraham at the end of the chapter was superb.

C2
Another inventive, cleverly written chapter, which I preferred to c1. I particularly enjoyed the Edit Solutions descriptions and the impact caused by IT on office life. Depressingly accurate.

C3
"Des’s hair migrating south for the winter” had me laughing out loud (very rare these days). Some of the word play is a delight (bafflement, consternation), and Graham’s nightmare office life is quickly becoming apparent. Amusing (and alarmingly realistic) Des / Graham exchange about Graham’s time of arrival.

C4 (both)
Clever touch, Doppelgraham showing in version 2. Again, full of amusing lines, I liked the middle-aged lady and the mechanic.

Overall, I thought this was a delightful read (as I did many months ago when it spent time on my shelf). Only downside for me is 4 chapters in and I still don't know where it is going. Not that that would discourage me from reading on.

Five very happy, smiley faces.

Awesomely funny! Happy to back your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
Sue50

ComLit review

S's caterpillar' 1-11
Zane,
I have been wanting to read this book since I saw its cover on someone else's bookshelf, and I am really happy to have finally done so. This is really fantastic comic writing; witty and entertaining, yet light and interesting. A good, compelling plot and endearing characters (even though they are endearing for being dolts!) It made me laugh out loud on several occasions, and the chuckle while remembering it. What is more, and perhaps the highest commendation I can give to a comedy book, I thought about it to forget about my worries as I was dozing off to sleep.  I am highly enjoying this. I give it six stars, put it on my shelf and give it six happy faces.
:) :) :) :) :) :)
Maeve
Mrs Maginnes is Dead

Perhaps you might like to join this forum.
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/87439/sci-fi-critique-group-2-0-sf42/
They are an active bunch and very supportive.
Andrew

Okay, this is just my kind of book, and I enjoyed it immensely. Very smart, very original. Great concept.

I often make the distinction between a book aiming to be “amusing” or “comic,” by which, with the second category, I mean “making someone laugh aloud.” This is one of the “laugh-out-loud” ones. And I did…on multiple occasions.

I like the title, the cover and the short pitch. The long pitch is too much like a plot synopsis, though not having read the entire MS, I can’t be certain. Still, perhaps it reveals too much.

Some specific lines I enjoyed, along with some comments, mingled together, because I took notes as I went, and I’m being too lazy to organize things. Sorry about that!

Chapter 1: cream berber carpet which flows through his semi like a great bowl of muesli,

Do caterpillar predators have absolutely no artistic taste

If natural selection can create creationists, then it can manage a caterpillar with a face on its arse.

‘metro-gnome’ a curiously stunted creature of the metropolis.

I liked “Shit!” he hisses sibilantly,” although the succeeding riff on cursing might be a little more than is needed. Like wielding a hammer, hit the joke hard once or twice then stop pounding. You don’t want to bend the nail.

Then dives back into the kitchen and grabs the matchbox: minor point, but I would just tack this on the end of the previous sentence, rather than leave it hanging on its own as an incomplete sentence.

I love watching Graham’s mind work as he calculates the odds that he’s missed the bus. This just speaks volumes about his character.

“See Example 1 at the end of the book.” Funny.

“Just a sec since ond isn’t in the dictionary.” This almost but doesn’t quite work for me. I think it would have worked if you has said “sec that the bus sweeps past” instead of “second that the bus sweeps past” and then do your parenthetical remark, maybe tweaking it slightly (“sec” for second, since “ond” isn’t in the dictionary).” Or something to that effect.

Chapter 2

I spend a career in IT, and the description of EDITsolutions is dead-on, including the “hipness” of its name. Well done.

I very much enjoyed the attention you gave to HR vs. Personnel. I think that’s the most elegant delineation I’ve encountered, and it speaks volumes about working in the 21st Century. Talk about the alienation of labor!

Chapter 3

The narrator suddenly becomes intrusive. (Well he does it once before in chapter 2 with “all right, I’ll explain,” If you’re going to do this, I would have expected to see it earlier. Just was a little jarring, like someone had just commandeered the narrative. Maybe that’s what you intended, though.)

Deconstructing bafflement and consternation: I hope you don’t use this device too often. Once or twice is funny, but it risks getting old. On the other hand, deconstruction would fit with Graham’s character, so…

Using the garage hoist to lift a lady in the air in order to look up her skirt. That conjures up quite an image.

I don’t know that you need to explain Doppelgraham. You’re writing for a smart audience. The whole Schroedinger’s Cat thing will go over the heads of many, but for those who know it, seeing Schroedinger’s Caterpillar will be an immediate grab. And THESE people will know that Doppelgraham is a play on Doppelganger. Or at least I think so, IMHO.

This book gets a six on my laugh-o-meter. Great job!

Just a quick thing in your long pitch:
But by definition Dopplegraham(’)s (are) equally resourceful.
But by definition Dopplegraham is equally resourceful.

I just read the original as a possesive (rather than an abreviation, and it stopped me for a second which I think may be best to avoid in the pitch - just my impression.
Andrew

Looks like we have similar interests! If you have time take a look at A Fatal Misuse of Time, it deals with parallel universes as the mechanism for the MC's precarious journey - I woul dbe interested in your thoughts on the "essay" that sparks the MCs' interest in the first place (first chapter). I shall put your book on my watch list and get back to you in a while.


Andrew
A Fatal Misuse of Time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.