TheChod'nAR

Grumblebunny,
This is a very unusual story and highly imaginative. I wish I could tend to my plants daily and completely forget what it is to owe a debt, but not if this maddening situation would result. The Chod'nAR is a delightful account which I've rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Stumbled upon your book and was really interested. Your pitch drew me in. Chapter 1-I like everything that's happening plot-wise so far. Lillian is cute with her excessive shrieks and strange prattling. I love the "bending the entirety of her will" phrase. Really nice. And the "beads of perspiration blossoming" so great since she's a gardener...hehehe

I noticed when you used the statement "momma'll be right...you had an extra 'm' in there.
Also, I got a bit stuck on the seemingly excessive adjectives. I would probably sharpen a few of them down. "A thin crackling o fblue luminescence flashed..." goes on a bit long and gets disjointed. Same with the paragraph starting "the countertop upon which..." Its a very long-winded sentence.

Overall, I'm intrigued. I'll keep an eye out.

You could check out another fiction/fantasy with my book "War of the Wastelands" if you have time. I'd appreciate any comments. =)

Sara

This zips along at a nice pace and was quite enjoyable. I found myself having to slow down occasionally as their were a lot of unusual names and concepts, they all worked but I could see that if kept this pace for the entire book I might blow a fuse.

profuse and pungent Tragan emission -- yikes, ha ha loved that

"Ozzo!!!", she croaked . . . --I'm not sure you need the comma

Very creative
Best,
Bill
HAKTAW HEART

What you have going for you is your fast-pace dialogue and your nice description of scenes. I can picture just about everything you describe. However, sometimes it gets to be just a little too much. You might want to trim so parts like when Lillian was talking about the countertop that she did her planning or when describing the man servant. These are simple to change. Again, i love the description but too much of a good thing ends up being a bad thing. But you chose because it’s great description.

And you MUST split the chapter in two if you don’t trim this chapter down. Readers will be drawn away from it by the mere length of it. I was little when I first scrolled down, but that was before I started reading and enjoying it. I didn’t think about he length again until I finished which is a huge compliment on your part. Not many can hold my attention. 5 stars but could be 6 if it was much shorter. I’m glad Lillian is in it because she makes my day. I can’t shelf you right now because I have recently changed my entire shelf and want to give them more than a couple of days on it.

You remind me of Dean Koontz...that's a good thing!

Pitch: I was not expecting that...your pitch was so original and full of mystery...I’m in!

Plot: I get it from the pitch and the first chapter. The who and the why...But I need to read it all to offer up anything more substantial.

Setting/Description – You’re poetically descriptive. I love how each sentence flows into the next. Wonderful!

Pacing: This moves along like a good read should speeding up to add tension and slowing down with description and inner dialogue to give me a breather.

Characters/Characterization: Along with your descriptions...this by far you strength. You completely grasp your characters. This first chapter was fantastic.

Sentences: You do a great job changing the pace by using different sentence lengths. I can’t really offer up anything here.

Gear Grumblebunny,

I do not feel qualified to crit. books on here. I am simply here to work and read and back what I enjoy and I am loving your work.

I am a teacher of drama and that is all about the story and using imagination and you are doing this beautifully.

Keep on keeping on.
Rusty

a strong writting style moves this story along- all is here narative character and dialogue...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

I'm going to support you because you have a strong voice and quirky attention to detail that carries the reader along very well. You do need to work on your intuition for flow. Your cram too many detail derived syllables into your lines in a way that bogs down your flow. The habit will make for a tedious read if left to run amok, so keep in in check. Two flowing, well-balanced sentences is always better than one long awkward sentence that never seems to end. Don't feel you have to cram eveything into one line. There are three things inportant in a story: flow, flow and the details. Flow should come first. This is the most interesting manuscript of all the new authors on here so I hope you take the time to polish it. goodluck.


blueboy

Hi Grumblebunny,
This is more than a little remeniscent Douglas Adams - whom I also love and spent a large chunk of my university years reading and re-reading - sad I know!
This is highly fluent, free flowing and very unusual writing and is one of the most interesting things that I have come across on Authonomy. In fact, Douglas Adams comparison aside, it isn't quite like anything that I've read before. Very few people have a genuinely original voice but based on the first chapter, I think that you do - this is a huge and rare asset when combined with the ability to write well, which you also have. I'm not sure how much effort it has taken to produce this or whether this is just how it flows to your pen / keyboard. Either way congratulations. This is going on my WL and I hope to come back for more.
Couple of tips from another recent Authonomy joiner which you have probably already figured out - only back what you really like and don't let yourself be bullied / coerced. Also, Authonomy can take over your life if you let it, so be warned!
If you have time to take a look at Ambassador 12 it would be great to hear what you think.
Best Wishes, Philip

Grumblebunny,
This is a very unusual story and highly imaginative. I wish I could tend to my plants daily and completely forget what it is to owe a debt, but not if this maddening situation would result. The Chod'nAR is a delightful account which I've rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Dear grumblebunny, I love your intrigue "Lillian lived alone and tended her plants daily... trapped in this place so long, they'd almost forgotten their names, let alone the aspects of their former lives... then a maddening pinging sliced through the silence of their rooftop... triggered their memories and changed their lives forever... shoe closets are such provocative and dangerous places, especially when the sole you keep is so dangerously important to the fabric of the universe," as your pitch portrayed. :) WOW!! I can hardly wait to see what is going to happen. :) As I read ch.1 & Lillian tending her plants, "once she had been a court vizier" then, "a plague... many good citizens had been buried" - I smiled at, "Positive attitudes, dears! That's all it takes! Up! Up! Up!" as I could see myself doing that. :) Then, I smiled at her manservant, Ozzo, & his superb attire. :) "...once in the 14 years since they had come to this place" let me know how long they'd lived there. :) "the capsule... bleep... pulsating light... 'That, Madame,' he said flatly, 'is a Galactic SeizeCapital Translocator Beacon' " :) - well, at least I got to find out what was "pinging." "Well then, it would appear they've found us, my good man... how long d'you figure?" "Two days," he said. :) I laughed when she gave the capsule to him & he flushed it down the toilet. :) It was nice to find out that CHOD'nar was a humanoid. :) "Well goody for you" made me laugh, because I'm 70 & we used to say that when I was growing up. :) "Weeeeeeeeeeeee," Lillian sang... since their arrival on the Earth, she had aged... Ozzo had as well... she giggled... exciting new adventure... he punched the throttle... a rollercoaster." I love Ozzo's astute attitude. :) Your delightful exciting story, kept smiling at each incident. :) And then, in ch.5, we have Mudge & the clogged toilets & the behemoth & , "Gimme!" :) I have read & commented on your fantastic action-packed book & I will back it more than 24 hours when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) I would so much appreciate it because I have been trying for almost a year to be chosen in the top 5 of the editor's desk & on 1-1-11, I was #4 on the editor's desk, but 2 people passed me up, pushing me out to #6, so I didn't get chosen in the top 5 January 31 & I now need lots of backings to help me to stay anchored in the top 5, so that I don't slide out again & so that I can be chosen in the top 5 of the editor's desk February 28. :) Thank you so very much for your help. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing more than 24 hours & the longer on our bookshelves, the more they move up, per authonomy's new rules Oct 2010 :) - on your profile page, in "my news" click on author's name & when their profile page comes up, scroll down & click on their book cover or title & their book will come up :) - then, over to the right, you will seen "my rating" & under is 6 silver ****** 's & if you click on the far right *, they will all turn gold, then click "back the book" :)

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it :) - let me know. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have gold ******-rated your book because of the intrigue "a maddening pinging sliced through the silence." :) Read & commented on 14 hours later. :)