The Zero Line

Okay, Jean, you have me hooked. I have read the first chapter and plan to finish reading your book this weekend. So far, I can honestly say that your book reminds me of other best sellers that I have read. I sure hope you make it to the Editor's desk and they get a chance to read it. I am sure they would want to publish it. Good luck.

This is the most gripping and best written book I have come across so far on Authonomy. The newly edited first chapter is outstanding. The way the environment is described gives a true sense of being there. This is a seriously well crafted piece of writing. Forget the editor's desk, this should be in bookstores now, and a copy on my bookshelf at home. So much better than many published books I've read. Brilliant!

First impression of this section: This is just about the best dialog I have read anywhere in a very long time! Seriously, it's a master class in how to convey both plot and character through the words people exchange with each other. And it's not zippy, fake screenplay kind of talk, but real conversation that takes its time. That may turn off some impatient readers, eager for a more fast paced thriller -- which may come later in the story -- but for me, this is a perfect set-up. The story is anchored by Mitch and Polly's relationship. They may be a little tired with each other and themselves, but there is still a great "bond" between them.
[Jean, I misread/misinterpreted the Roger Moore line ("Roger. Roger Moore.") in my original comment; I thought you were playing on the James Bond line, "Bond. James Band" but of course I was mistaken, as the line would have read, "Moore. Roger Moore," which would not have made sense in this context. Oops.]

The prose is professional and tightly written, no wasted words, and I wouldn't cut anything in this section.
Okay, one thing.
I would drop the question mark from "Right. Gas prices?" Mainly because the voice I heard when I read that line sort of flattened it. But that's me.
I will continue reading this as soon as I can, though I wish I had it on my Nook or in book form. (Are you listening, HarperCollins!!!)

Best of luck, Jean!

Jean,
Great pitch, full of twists, turns and intrigue. I read to the end of what's posted and found Polly and Mitch an extremely likeable couple. Their interaction and dialogue totally believable. Liked the way that you introduced snippets of backstory gradually throughout, revealing Mitch's history and the personal dilemma that he's facing. Polly's amatuer sleuthing and determination to solve the mystery and Mitch's indulgence, and reluctant interest kept everything light and humourous. Clever little drops at the end of each chapter also kept me reading on. Would have liked to have read more and got into the bones of the story, the microfilm and plot for revenge. Enjoyed this and rated highly. Best of luck.

Babs

I like the way you start off with a hint of mystery to your story.
Your writing is very well developed as it moves along at an easy pace.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

I still like the original beginning.
:-)

Hello Jean,
Read the first three chapters.
It feels technically good and accomplished-layer after layer of characterisation woven into the evolving plot. Exposition, dialogue and conflict all seamlessly intermixed.
What remains, basically, is the question 'Do we care?' I think there is enough interest in the MC Polly to answer Yes.
Mitch is slightly wooden and flat-on purpose?-maybe to accentuate the appealing qualities of Polly. Danger is you have less patience with Mitch.
It's heavyweight stuff with a fair lick of pace and a very accomplished thriller.
All things being equal this should do very well.
All the Best!
John
Dropping Babies

THE ZERO LINE
This story has an interesting beginning: a secret compartment, a key, a scribbled note that is a great way to pull a reader into reading more and more and more. I like the tell this at a leisurely pace (no run and shoot scenes here). That style contrasts in a great way with an overall sense of foreboding that finding that key is going to change these people’s lives forever. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Who is Robert Morison and why was he killed? This mystery has a great hook, one just can't help being pulled into it. I'm watchlisting with five stars until I can clear room on my shelf. If I had the power I'd slap it on the ED with a 'Most Immediate' label. A great read. - Gao Zuojia
I invite you to peruse my offering, Kailai and the Dragon Prince, and leave any constructive feedback.

I've come back for another read of The Zero Line. As a ran into a lull, a waning of excitement, in my hectic life, I knew this dynamic read would fix me right up. Loving it even more this time around.
Best wishes,
Em

Hi Jean. I really love the plain honest way you draw the reader into the story because - hey, revolutionary idea - we want to know what happens! It's pacy tight writing and I'm backing you. Well done.
Julia Draper ('Jelly-Boy') Would very much appreciate a return read if you have time. Thanks.

Hello Jean--
book - The Zero Line--

After glancing at some chapters in this book; I have watch-listed it, as one having great potential to succeed;
Will read early in the new year and rate--
tom bye
from hugs to kisses-

Hi Jean,
Finally got around to returning the read. Read your first chapter and I found myself totally engrossed in the plot and will definitely be back to read more. I found the story gripping and the dialogue is natural, the kind of things that people really would say. I would love to see this reach the desk and will give it some shelf time at some point. Good luck with it!

Jean,
You were on my WL. If this is a return read, sorry for the delay. I was limited on time and only intended to read the first chapter, but the hooks keep me moving through until I got to Islamabad. I usually make notes on areas where I stumble, in hopes that it may help with future editing. (My first final edit was about 14 months ago, I've done a half dozen "final" edits since then.) The questions all came in chapter 3--

---Didn't know what this was .

"é,"

--I know, in real life, people often speak in clichés. But unless you want the reader to hate the character, I'd reconsider. "If you don't like the weather, just wait a few minutes." I was liking Mitch up until that point.

--It seemed like they were out running errands, the suddenly they were looking for a room to stay overnight. It just left me wondering.

Great build of tension and mystery.

Best
Bill
HAKTAW HEART

Jean, I'm at chapter seven, and I like ZERO LINE. A lot. Your dialogue is very nice, and makes me like these characters, Mitch and Polly, as individuals and as a couple. Nicely done. My only observations/suggestions are pretty nitpicky, and may be idiosyncratic to me, rather than things that will matter to the general public, but it's what I have to offer, so here goes:
By chapter six, I am starting to doubt these characters' motivation for going to THAT much trouble to solve the mystery. There could be a number or reasons that each of them is willing to keep plugging away at it, but if it's more than just Polly being a bored housewife looking for something to do, I missed it. Mitch seems to be going along with her... what? to keep peace in the household? or just because he loves her? and I don't WANT him to do that, because I want to like and respect him. I would like to see some little motivater that justifies Pollly dragging him into all this other than she is curious or wants to justify spending all that money on the clock, or that gives Mitch a reason to keep at it other than to indulge his wife, much as we like her.
Also, it is perhaps a bit too much serinditpity for Mitch to suddenly realize the desk in the room is JUST like his father's, and therefore has a secret compartment, and a moment later, Polly suddenly realizes there is a wall safe that is almost hidden from view by layers of paint. I feel like she needs a reason to examine the walls closely, or someone recognizes the key as the type that often fits wall safes, or something. Otherwise, they should have seen the wall safe as soon as they started trying the key in every keyhole they could find in the room.
You sacrificed a good bit of character charisma with me when Mitch scraped the paint off the wall safe's key hole. If I owned that place, I would put a big fat charge on Mitch's credit card when I found that "damage." But I have the idea they are about to do the same thing to all the other rooms, too? But if you tell us it's a tiny little key hole that no one will ever notice, or it's mostly covered up by a picture on the wall, or have Mitch "fix it" with some clever little handy-man fix, you will salvage that character charisma with readers like me who hate casual property damage done by people who are just "passing through." Or, if you give us a strong motivation for the action, that makes it justifiable to mess up the wall. The real-life solution would be for Mitch to go pick up some glue or wall putty, and blend the paint chips he scraped off back into the wall. Then, instead of being disapointed in him for vandalism, I like him for being handy, and diligent, good traits we all admire in men :)
So... I told you they are nitpicky thoughts, and many readers might prefer that you don't slow down the development of the story for such things. And they don't prevent even a compulsive type like me from likeing the story. That's why I hate to even toss them up in a public forum like this.

Hello Jean , highly competent prose which perfectly captures a domestic milieu and quickly develops the beginnings of an exciting story. I shall be interested to read more. Watchlisted and starred . I wonder if you would possibly have the time to take a look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' - which is an adventure romance set amongst Pirates in the 17th century and includes lost love , the Great Plague of London , Sir Henry Morgan , a five handed duel and beautiful Spanish ladies and much more ,with best wishes from Strachan Gordon.

Jean, I went through your book and finished reading the first chapter. I loved the subtle humor that accompanies the narrative and simply enjoyed reading it. I will read this further for sure.

A sound story line and believable characters - I'm through two chapters.
This is not my favored genre so you've done well to hold this reader in.

Jean,
Great story so far. I loved the first chapter. You definitely have me hooked, and this is surprising b/c believe it or not I don't get into a lot of military type books (although I'm retired military). I'm interested to see where the books leads. Great job...

I enjoyed reading a portion of the work--very precise English prose. The # sign stopped me in the first chapter but then I figured out the usage. Backed

Incredible intro! It makes me want more...New to this, thanks for backing me, how do I back you? Also, thanks for the kind words!

Pitch is great - intriguing - I read 4 chapters on the basis of that.

First few chapters are great in terms of character development - I learn a lot about Mitch and Polly, their relationship, Mitch's angst about his past. But I don't get into the plot - this is a slow start... possibly too slow for a thriller, I'm thinking. Want the action and the action isn't forthcoming. Instead I'm drawn into the mystery of the clock and the secret message on the back. Is this going to be relevant to the story, I'm wondering, or is it merely helping characterisation?

Your dialogue's good - plausible and natural. The setting and concept promise a interesting story. My only concern here is pace, whether this story has enough impact to pull in the average thriller reader and keep them hooked.

Backed for premise, characterisation and dialogue... would have to read on to see how the story itself kicks in.

Hi Jean,

I really like your pitch, but there’s way too much back story in that final paragraph.

Chapter 1

“newly purchased” should be hyphenated

Not sure what the # sign is there for. Is that a mistake?

This is good stuff, Jean. Good, clean writing. I did notice some small areas lacking commas, but really…they weren’t big deals at all. Otherwise, I’m impressed. High stars for sure.

If you get the opportunity, I’d invite you to (please…:) I read your profile :P) check out my pitch and read on if it interests you. I’d love to know your thoughts.

Thanks and all the best,

Phil
Deshay of the Woods

Hi Jean, thanks for backing my book, Shame the Devil.

I read the first chapter of The Zero Line, and will continue reading. I was impressed by the way that your dialogue conveys character subtlety. The way Mitch speaks around his 'reminiscing', for instance, and the way that Polly chides him lovingly and still gets the reaction from him that she wants - these things and others like them give these characters depth in a solid way.

If I were to look for things to improve, this is what comes to mind:

Each descriptive paragraph - those not containing dialogue - feels thick. The sentence structures are long and stay long for the length of each of these paragraphs. For the reader, this makes for a significant slowing of pace. To remedy this, were it my work, I would break up these sections and quicken the pace by matching it to the pace you set with your excellent dialogue. This could be accomplished not only by shortening/varying sentence structure/cadence, but also by mixing dialogue and more abrupt bits of description into these paragraphs.

I apologize if you're not seeking critique. If you are, I hope my suggestion helps. I am also seeking critique.

The Zero Line is strong and I am putting it on my bookshelf.

-Throck

An intriguing opening chapter that asks more questions than it answers . . .which is good as it tempts the reader to read on. Good, comfortable, believable, dialogue and a steady amount of information to set the scene without being pushy. Will read on. Regards, David

HI Jean, Sorry It's taken met this long to read your work. But, oh, I'm so glad I did. I love this story. The characters are well developed. I'm from the East Coast n can relate to the setting and the little hole in the wall antique shops in quaint towns. Very well done. I'm on Chapter three and still reading. The hooks at the end of each chapter propel the reader right into the next. I liked how chapter one was in her POV and the second was in his. Looking forward to more. Full stars and Watchlisted. Will shelf as soon as my current promises are kept.
Connie
Moonstone Beach

Hi Jean,

I thought that was a great first chapter. I've got to know two good characters - I thought your heroine was particularly good - and you've set up a big question. I'll try and read some more later.

Best,
Mick

Not a bad chapter. It was best when Polly was talking about the clock and Robert Morison. I think before that, with Trevor. I think I just so wanting to figure out about the clock. I think that's your pull.

Chapter 1

I'm glad you started with the clock right away since you talked about it in your pitch. It let's the reader know you go right to it. You don't wander off.

"I killed Robert Morison." Nice. Now you have me double-intrigued. :) I love that Polly is so keen in finding out about this clock, key, and Morison guy. A girl who is adventurous has two thumbs way up in my book. And I think other readers will agree. A girl who doesn't wait for the man and does it herself. However, she still wanted Mitch to help, which isn't a bad thing. I actually like that even more. You have good writing, good characters, and pulled me in with your key and Robert Morison.

Your opening paragraph did everything it needed to do and thereafter I was captive through Ch1. I don't think I need say anymore because for me this opening chapter is one of the few on here that I have read and followed the writer without question. Very good start and added to my growing collection.

Hi Jean

Just a quick note to provide some feedback whilst I read. I'm three chapters in and really enjoying it so far. I love dialogue and feel its very natural in your writing and you have achieved a good balance between the dialogue and story telling. Will keep reading.

Lesa

Hi Jean

Just a quick note to provide some feedback whilst I read. I'm three chapters in and really enjoying it so far. I love dialogue and feel its very natural in your writing and you have achieved a good balance between the dialogue and story telling. Will keep reading.

Lesa

Hi Jean

Ah, you see, I knew from your intro on the agents thread that this was my kind of book, and it is. (A new start though, I like it). I like Mitch and Polly from the off. Despite Mitch's drinking/reminiscing - he's not a dull drunkard. Like the Muscle and Brawn line - made me smile. By the end of chapter 1, I'm liking the intrigue. What did Polly used to do, what's Bean Hollow? I found chapter two a bit disappointing in comparison - nothing really happens. But things get warmed up again in Ch3 and I love the end of Ch3. The Robert Morris Inn.

Lovely, would happily read the whole thing. Just my kind of book.

Very well written and a very smart read! There is no doubt that this author has the knowledge to write a book that will truly hook the reader. This book will be a hit when it is published.

The author has obvious first hand knowledge of the military and the environs of the story. Intrigue builds quickly.

The author has obvious first hand knowledge of the military and the environs of the story. Intrigue builds quickly.

I heard that this is a true story. Is that true? Great stuff, Jean. Keep up the great work.
JL

Hey Jean,

I apologize for only commenting now as your book has been on my shelf for almost a week, unfortunately i have so much catching up to so i will continue to read as soon as i can.

I am on page 4 already and loving the read. You grab the reader immediately which is very important and the more you read, the more it gets interesting and it just makes the reader crave for more. I can say that i really love Mitch's character so far and i also cant wait to read more about Polly's past. Curious curious ....

So all the best to you and the book
green h - through green's eyes

Well Jean,
What a great adventure and it's so current in today's environment. It's closer to reality than most readers will realize - gives them a sample of what really happens in a nasty place on the other side of the world. Thanks for sharing.
Dave

Hi Jean (I always like writing that!),

Just had a quick look at The Zero Line. My only concern is that we get a far better impression of Mitch rather than Polly. She feels like a blank slate to me. Is there an ingenious way to give her a bit of colour from the start?

Iso

Interesting, Iso. So far almost everyone warms up to Polly before they warm up to Mitch. Curious.

Hi Jean (I always like writing that!),

Just had a quick look at The Zero Line. I wish I had time to read a more right now because you've given me every reason to keep reading. I can't find a great deal of things to say about your writing. I feel as though I'm in safe hands here. You know what your doing and the first chapter was an absolute breeze to get through. Strong start with the hidden compartment. My only concern is that we get a far better impression of Mitch rather than Polly. She feels like a blank slate to me. Is there an ingenious way to give her a bit of colour from the start?

I don't like the 'Guess we'll never know' line. It should be 'We should find out' kinda thing. It should be tangible. Polly is curious and so a line like 'we'll never know' dissipates this.

I'm very impressed, Jean. So, you don't just clog up the forum board, you actually write as well! ;o)


Iso

Hi Jean,
Just a comment on the "He who imagines real people exist" comment. Don't pay attention to the gristle that people throw your way. If you do, you'll become discouraged and never accomplish anything of lasting value.
I'm impressed with your writing. Hang in there.
By the way, I never thought you should have changed the beginning of the book.
I liked the original, less conventional start with your couple meandering along. It let me discover yet some how you kept pulling me deeper in.
But, don't listen to me either. You have to stick with what you believe is right for your characters and the world you've created for them. The only external voices you should pay attention to are those that are committed to helping you make money off of your work through publishing. No one else has a dog in the fight, just an opinion. Just my two cents.
Have a nice day!

I find the beginning a bit contrived.

Along the lines that they said they brought the clock (for their fifth wedding anniversay). So surely when it was delivered and the moving men werer hauling it into position, then they had a look at the back. And if it was brought then the antiques shop it was brought from would have cleaned it and inspected it and surely found the writing and showed it to them as kitsch selling point?

I also found the style a bit off putting, as it read like a young adult/ teenager and a bit naive for an adult audience, even a "chick-lit" book.

It reminds me of Pippi Longstocking and the Famous Five going off on an adventure with a treasure map after they find something in their seafaring Great Uncle's old chest.

Nothing wrong with that, but I wasn't sure if it was being pitched at a younger audience or was being a bit naive with an older audience. Perhaps you need to define the age range of your target audience and moderate your language to that level a bit more.

Bang! straight in there - this caught me right away, I like your writing style, only read a couple of chapters but you have drawn me in already, well done!

catch up later

Cyrus

Jean.
Superb piece. I love it. I was gripped by the narrative structure which was simple, not too stretched and conveyed deep meaning. The dialogue between Polly and Mitch had a simple and natural flow. I read the first chapter and felt like I wrote it myself because that's how I write (I think). My first book will be coming up soon and maybe you'll see what I mean. Excellent work.

A BHCG review

Please take my comments as constructive feedback.

C1

Do we need to know about the chamois on her hip?

Use of the word ‘clock’ in neighbouring sentences when they are about to move it. Tricky to find an alternative I know but give it a try.

Love the word play between the characters. Smooth writing is introducing these well rounded characters with ease.

‘Her sounding board…’ LOL. Really fun writing.

Tight first chapter.

C2

I love the description of Mr’s Bonnigal/Barnacle. Excellent.

C3

I like Polly and Mitch so much already that I feel sorry they’re not getting on as well as they would like.
Your characters leap off the page, some brilliant description, ‘Her delicate features…’ etc. Excellent.


Without a doubt this is one of the most polished pieces I’ve read on this site. Filled with hooks and believable characters, free of any glaring cliché or fat.

I like the pitch for the novel. The first three chapters seem at odds with it as the couple investigate, but that’s a good thing. The writing style is very confident and to the point and a flawed couple makes for an unusual and entertaining team. I love Polly already and the interplay in her relationship with Mitch is bubbling. I like this a lot and found little to be harsh about.

I will read on.

Really good pitch caused me to have a look at your book. I've read only the first chapter so far and have to go and do some work now, so will read on later. Comments so far - Excellent beginning. The first paragraph is brief and to the point and a real hook, forcing me to read on to find out what was in there.

small typo - line 3 - '... the tiny lever she accidentally pressed......' - should be 'she'd pressed' ? as it was past tense action.

I'd have liked you to cut down the next bit just a little. Yes, its a good way to meet him and his situation, but I thought it went on a bit too long. She's anxious to get to the back of the clock - so are we! Just a few too many details I thought, slowing the action. You could have gone straight to them both at the clock and then backstoried somewhat, but that may be just eager me.

small typo - 'Someday, my dear, you'll learn there is more to me then muscle......' - should be 'than'?

Then the search for clues begins - and the read is excellent. There's nothing like a mystery, and its been proven how much readers like to go on the hunt and the chase along with the characters. I think you have all the ingredients for such a hunt here, and you handle it well. Good, sympathetic characters with their own history and issues (which may become relevant to the hunt?) Good dialogue, good hooks. Excellent, mysterious ending to the chapter, which means I must come back later to find out what's going on.

Onto my watchlist for now then...
Cariad.

I’m an unpublished author and I might even be a terrible unpublished author so you might take my advice with a grain of salt but I could really use the stars and I do have a suggestion for you. It is so very important to get the introduction so very perfect. My suggestion is on the 6th line of the first paragraph. You could maybe try something like this… “Not only did it show the time, but it also displayed the phases of the moon on three separate dials.” I think it’s the word “showed” that throws off the balance a teeny bit. Hope this helps!

P.S. I’m loving this so far! Your writing style communicates clearly which is so important to me in a book. The last thing I want to have to do is reread the same paragraph 5 times before finally understanding what the author meant. What an exciting plot! I can’t wait to find out what happens next!

The Zero Line -ch4 - j kinkade review
Mostly, I read lit. Fic. So this isn’t my genre – BUT - I think this is very good. The writing isn’t beautiful, but then I daresay it’s not meant to be. This is a thriller, all about the story. Ideally, the writing should be invisible, and in large parts it is – I’m too wrapped up in the story to remember that I’m reading a book. Perfect. I read 14 pages with v little effort. Plus, You’ve also got what seems to me like a very saleable subject.
I like Hamid’s dilemma, that we’re no quite sure about him / he’s not sure about himself – v interesting. I’d like a little more clues to his back story early on? How did he get to where he is? Just clues, I don’t need it all in ch 1.
Qari – I guess is there for a contrast to Hamid – Qari – the archetypal bad guy – trouble is – I think he’s way overdone – maybe George Bush might be convinced by him, but no one else. He feels like a James Bond villain to me. Real people aren’t like that.
I think he needs a reason, - wife and family killed by a stray bomb, or whatever – (will also serve to send a message about gung ho soldering and its radicalising effects...of you want to...?)
Either way – he’s just too cardboard cut-out, we need something real – and tone down his joy at killing – a light in his eye / tapping his foot – or whatever can be more powerful than grinning maniacally.
Specifics:
‘held accountable’ feels awkward phrasing – just say ‘it wasn’t the only reason for...’ ie. Keep it simple
‘even a smaller space’ is weak – maybe just say – it had no apparent effect
CUT – ‘for what lay ahead’ – it’s redundant – and the sentence is much stronger without – be clear, but too much spelling out weakens your story.
‘the shabbiest cubicles..’ etc – alright, we get it already – don’t keep going on about how shabby it is – you’ve described it clearly. Enough. Also – hasn’t hamid seen plenty aof squalor ? isn’t this a typical place to him?
Don’t use italics unless absolutely necessary – the context tells us.
Cut – ‘in his conciousness’ – redundant
‘Spectactled eyes’ – feels bad phrasing
‘a muffled grunt’ – right from the off you’re overdoing it. Work out who is Qari. What’s he like. What was he like at school. How did he get to be here, etc – then he might feel more real.
‘Its my cover’ Hamid said – just cut it down to this – makes Hamid feel a bit stronger – if that’s what you want?
Generally, strong people use less words???
‘could not be argued’ odd wording.
The saqr bit is unclear at first – intended?
‘A bit of arrogance...’ seems tentative for Qari. Generally, I think you need to differentiate the two men’s style / manner of speech.
Maybe Qari – short clipped instructions. Hamid – more rambling – not sure – but they each need their own style
The attractive woman is interesting – esp. In relation to what follows – but could be better. Notricing her beauty is flat. The description is also a bit dull. The way people move / appear in motion is always more interesting than just their identikit desc. Maybe he notices the way she tilts her chin, reminds him of his youngest aunt, safia, the one who always bought him sweets, the one they never see anymore... (or whatever – but make her real and personal – will be stronger when she dies, plus you can refer back to her / merge her with safia in Hamid’s mind once or twice later on when he is in moral dilemmas, - which I guess are coming)
The real point is – make your people real – you don’t need a para. To do this, just one brief real detail / tic/ characteristic (stolen from people you know / see on TV)
CUT – ‘than she possessed...arrival’
Saqr / Qari – V V confusing to western eyes. Must they be so similar?
‘a two months...’???
‘He was Pakistan’s Dr Death’ – stronger
At first I thought Hamid knew this girl? Why else should she care that he turned away from her?
‘an icy whisper...’ Mr Bond
‘Searching the arab’s...’ No just say Hamid. Repetition is usually bad, but not with names.
Qari shows hopeful exuberance and hesitation at the same time? Also – some imagined injustice is judgemental and paints him as a stereotype.
The old man and the boy is a good interlude – makes the rest more real
‘I like to decxide things...’ again seems weak for Qari – maybe ‘I will decide.’ Much better to show what he’s like thru this clipped dictatorial speech, than tell us in an exaggerated way
Poss cut the sentence beginning ‘in sum...’ and finish the para. On ‘...accomplish that’
Story gets really engaging now but please – cut the grunts
Then Hamid and the boy is v good.
‘never let your so called mercy...’ naff
‘certain tactics...’ say
‘undertaking’ – feels wrong – to distant a word, as if Hamid not involved at all / read it in paper
‘within minutes / seconds – don’t like this construction, is trying too hard – be matter of fact – the context provides that sense of tension / danger.
‘Questioning....insistance’ v flat. Show me this scene is spec. Detail referring back to details you’ve already given us about the victims
‘sniggering...’ oh come on, now he’s a 9 year old Bond villain
The one way sign is v v good – I’d ct the last 2 sentences – (put that info in earlier if needed) – then just finish saying ‘searching for the answer. He stared at the red circle...and the words inside ‘one way’ – whtever – but finish with the sign, WITHOUT unnecessary explanation – ie. Driving hme etc
Well – as you can tell – you’ve certainly engaged me with this. Sorry if I’ve been too intrusive/ laboured the point re. Qari – but I think it’s nearly excellent.
Be interested in your thoughts,
Best of luck,
Simon

After one chapter I thought I would like this. After 12, I know I do. I backed Zero Line today, and am looking forward to finishing the read. You are a master of dialogue, my favorite aspect of a novel. Interesting dialogue animates the story in my opinion. Bravo!
Best Wishes, Mike Bove

Jean
I have now read 9 chapters and I am hooked. It's intriguing, pacy and well written. I think the relationship between Mitch and Polly is obviously very important to the plot, but you have got it spot on. And as for all of the other characters, like Cecil and Libby I can just see them. Brilliant. I will be reading this right to the end and you will be backed shortly.
Cheers
Willie

Hi. Jean. I have read chapters 1 - 3 and will be back to read more once I catch up on some promised reads but I will watchlist you for now.

Chapter 1

You establish the characters well and get a strong sense that both have secret pasts and things they are ashamed of and it makes you want to read on to become party tlo their screts. I liked the description and dialogue especially when Mitch does his "Aye lassie." bit. That made me smile although I am not Scots myself

Chapter 2

The mystery about the clock is developing and pulling the reader in as characters develop further. One thing I have to point out is that you mis spselt their surname in this chapter. You wrote Makenna instead of McKenna but that is easily rectified. Good development of plot at an easy pace and likeable narrative style.

Chapter 3

The plot thickens further and we get some glimpse that Mitch did not leave the Marine sout of choice and I am keen to find out more about that.

JUst one point. When Polly is humming along to TRacy Chaplam on the radio you could quote a few words from the song. I don't know which song but I like to think Fast Car as most folk know that one.
I am definitely going to read more. I think you have something quite remarkable here..

I read only chapter one, but I am now involved. I like the dialogue very much. I can tell this is a book I would enjoy. Being very busy now, I will have to sneak time to get back to reading. More later, Mike Bove

I enjoyed what I read of this a while ago and came back for another look. I see this advice below from MonkeyFeet: "Before anything else, take down what you have except for 1500 words, more or less." DO NOT DO THIS! It will take your book below the required word count of 10 000 words.