Remember Newvember

A very different opening. Yet is has an original style to it, making it develop from the start.
A really different story idea.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

I am four chapters in to "Remember Newvember". What a laugh Willow is, full of ideas for self improvement. She is also a funny and feisty character. Rather like the chaotically disorganised Bridget Jones....

Your style is relaxed and conversational; your scenes are well drawn and amusing. I would hate to see this offering neglected. Consider giving this an edit for repetition and so on, and you have a workable, amusing book, which has appeal at many levels.

All the best, with this and all your writing!

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

Remember Newvember is a really interesting theme for a book. I should imagine it strikes a cord with a lot of people, including myself, who tend to get stuck in routines. Willow's character is well written and endearing. She seems to be frightened of stepping outside her routine and rising to new challenges. She comes across as determined to start on a small basis and work her way up to the dizzy heights of something outlandish! This is the kind of book I would like to relax with of an evening. Well written and the style is easy and flowing.

Kim (Pain)

And, finally, I get to the lovely Jenny-B. :-)

Your book cover is perfect and well crafted. Your matching blog is so professional, you would think that a marketing team put it all together.

Your pitch is well thought out and delivered.

You overuse just in some places. I know that this is probably the first draft and you might have already caught that.

I think that the idea of 30 days of trying new things is a great concept for a book. :-)

Chapters 1:

"You're so predictable. Everything has to be the same with you." – As early on mentioned in the comment that I issued, we birds of same feathers. This book should be able excite predictable people because it is about them. I am one of such people - many people tell me that I am predictable.

“The more I reflected on the sameness of everyday, the more I realized that she was right.” – here you dramatize the her predictability. Wow.

“Angela smiled slyly - it's really a great smile.” – it think it would have been lovely all the more you said, “Angela smiled slyly - it's really a great genuine smile.” Still, it lovely.

Lovely chapter 1. I will read on.

Dear Jennifer,

The expression, "... her own life with twists and turns that ... " in your book's pitch is an enchanting phrase, luring readers to read on. It is the central pole in my book, "Destined to Triumph" - we are birds of same feathers.

Great read so far...can't wait to finish it.

I like the catchy title, it keeps drawing me back to it.

Hah! For someone who likes a simple ordinary life, 'Willow Mae Pillbean' sure is an extraordinary name!

I wasn't sure of the use of 'Did I mention...?' The story has only just begun so of course you've not yet mentioned Angela is a drama queen. (Unless this is a cultural thing or obvious sarcasm that I am just missing- quite likely!!)

I thought the forward (foreword- or is that just uk??) was good but could be perhaps tightened just a touch, to make it a little snappier. I like the premise though and can imagine it as an opening scene at the beginning of a chick flick.

You pick up the pace in chapter 1 and I particularly enjoyed getting to know Willow better in that chapter. Your tone of voice is light and engaging and perfect for the genre.

I read your forward and first two chapters.

General comments: An engrossing start to what appears to be an imaginative story. A witty, energetic main character. Effective descriptions. Good tension. Great pacing.

Specific comments on the forward:
1) "Not going to happen," I kept my gaze on my wine glass. Period after 'happen.' The only time the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma is when it is followed by a dialogue tag (tells who said something). 'I kept my gaze on my wine glass' is clearly not a dialogue tag, so the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a period.
2) 'Maybe, just maybe, it was time for me to try the 12 grain variety.' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases in the chapters I read where you should spell out numbers.
3) I shrugged, "Fun is relative." Period after 'shrugged.' The only time that a narrative sentence that precedes dialogue should be punctuated with a commma is when that narrative sentence is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). 'I shrugged' is clearly not a dialogue tag, so it should be punctuated with a period. There are many more cases of narrative sentences preceding dialogue in the chapters I read being punctuated with a comma when they should be punctuated with a period.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... 5:00am comes around early, especially on Mondays.' '5:00am' should be '5:00 a.m.' or, better yet, 'five a.m.'

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'Why on earth would teeth have been part of our evolution process is we were to continue eating foods that are soggy.' 'Is' should be 'if' and this question should be punctuated with a question mark.
2) "What exactly are you doing," my mother asked. Question mark after 'doing.'
3) "Oh mom, it's just some nonsense Angela cooked up." Comma after 'oh.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. Also, capitalize 'mom.' There are more cases where 'mom' should be capitalized.
4) 'Let's see - Chinese, Italian, Pizza ... ' 'Pizza' should be lowercase.
5) You used 'goofy' in the next to last paragraph and then again in the last paragraph. Consider finding an alternative word for one of the 'goofys.'
6) 'And then it hit me all of a sudden, like a lightning bolt' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a fabulous day.

Al

Hey Jen,
Finally catching up on my WL, this has been sitting here for far too long!

So! Here's my comments :)

Title/Pitch/Cover - great. Love the play on words with the title, and the commen about it being disguised as chick-lit - like it :)

I like the change in font for the journal, I've done the same. However, I found it quite straining on the eyes...Not sure if the fonts for the practice entries are supposed to all be different or if it's an Autho error?
The harlequin romance line - loved it. No crunch = no munch lol Great humour.
Love your writing style, Willow is very likeable but I want to give her a big kick up the ass, which I hope was your intention? She's very stuck in her ways (thinking about the preferences with food here as an example) and I want her to get on with it! Live her life! Not in a horrible way, I'm rooting for her, this challenge is going to do her the world of good :)

Her first time on the stairs was well written, I totally got into her anxious state. Sawyer...swoon. Did you get your inspiration from Lost? If so, you're my kinda gal ;)

Only read up to chapter 3, but will be back for more when I have time.

Am liking this a lot and it will go on my shelf soon

Silva
x

This is not my usual genre, but the style is wonderfully relaxing and before I knew it I was well into chapter 3. I wonder if the author is really the Angela character she writes about, as she certainly has the gift of pursuation! This is generally well written, but would benefit from a careful edit. In the first few lines, for example, "bland sip of white house wine" would read better as "sip of bland white house wine". But this is nitpicking for something as engaging as this. Backed with pleasure. Colin

I like the writing here. It's a slow start but grips the reader none the less. I just wonder what your market would be. At 30k words is it not too short for traditional chick- lit? You are a good writer and there is a lot here that could easily be expanded upon.

Even though it wasn't mentioned in the description or in the pitch, by mere first impression, I expected a cheesy romance. Instead, I got a really uplifting, chick lit book. Never read any chick lit that I would describe as unpredictable or upliifting. I read all the way to chapter 7. Loved it. The inbetween commentary, background stories, etc,etc.
Things I didn't like:
1. This books makes alot of assumptions about women. (I don't know any woman who calls the mailman, a letter carrier. Not saying they don't where you live, but in south carolina). I think you should consider rephrasing.
2. While I understand the signifcance in changing font, the written journal entry font was murder to read. Not easy on the eyes at all.
3. Is Angela suppose to be so annoying? I'm assuming she may have more charm as a animated/scripted characyer, b/c she has next to none on paper. Not to me anyway.

Hi Jenny. Have read the first two chapters and chapter five. The writing style is very good and the idea of the something new every day is good. But she is starting from a very low base and it takes a while to get going. Good luck. Sandy.

Hi Jenny,
I like chick lit so I enjoyed reading this. You have a nice, engaging writing style. The only thing that I wondered about is that it takes quite a long time to get into the story - it's all set up, no story, until three chapters in. There are lots of diversions about this and that, but not much actual story happening. I also wonder about Willow being as bland as she is - not wanting to try yoghurt? Sushi being a big adventure? Obviously she needs to be set up as someone who's going to undergo a big transformation, but she's so bland she almost lives in a straitjacket! Unless there's a back story that I haven't got to, that explains that. You have got a nice eye for cute details - like the point that maybe there are so many ADD kids because their kindergartens are so over-stimulating.
I hope this book does really well for you,
Annabelle

enjoyed reading about Willow and her new discoveries especially about herself, keep on going, you really should work on a second book as well

enjoyed reading about Willow and her new discoveries especially about herself, keep on going, you really should work on a second book as well

My kind of book. Willow has tons of personality! Giving it a great ranking and planning on coming back to read the whole thing. Good job!

Interesting... I can't read much at the minute, but this is well written. I don't normally seek out this kind of thing, but after the first two chapters, I think I'd like to read more. I'll get back to it when I can, but a) I have lots of uni stuff to write over the next few weeks, and b) I'm not quite comfortable with the whole 'reading from a screen' thing yet. Bear with me, though...

Jenny, a 'novel' idea written with an light-hearted, optimisitic voice and a message that many of us could take to heart. Well done! I've given it high stars.

Chapter 20? I never read chick-lit or romance...I'll give you a page and then I have to run and vomit...sorry it's just not my thing...but, and here’s the big but, you made me read to chapter 20...I'm shaking my head...it was just that good. And, now I have to finish it because Willow...is a friend now...I care. You tricked me. You let me inside, you brought me along, and I loved every word. This is ready for publication and I have no doubt, women (and men) will love it!

Cheers,
Dwayne

You know....there is nothing wrong with "white bread!" LOL....I am loving the introduction and the first few chapters. I am curious to see how everything works out for Willow. I will definitely keep reading! :)

-Sara

You know....there is nothing wrong with "white bread!" LOL....I am loving the introduction and the first few chapters. I am curious to see how everything works out for Willow. I will definitely keep reading! :)

-Sara

Great Read! All will enjoy Jennifer's work!

I just simlpy love this...

OK, I don't read chic lit and I thought this was good. So I bet everyone else will absolutely love it.

Remember Newvember

Dear Jennie,
I certainly like the idea for this story and the writing is crisp. I was a little surprised to find that the character was turning thirty. I guess we need to call it Woman's Lit.
I think if you avoid cliques the book works well.
A zoomer

I almost stopped reading after chapter 16. If felt like the story was slowing down, then bad news cropped up, but I'm glad I kept reading through Chapter 18. I needed a little brightness in the gloom.

Chapter 10 has been my favorite, so far, but I'm a sucker for Carl.

Really good chapter 1. The writing is flowing and done so well my OCD isn't kicking in to want to mark up the pages. I am reading on. . . .

I enjoyed this. You have a good friction between these two characters and a few of your descriptions were unique and fun- so much so that I wanted more of them to replace the more cliché descriptions in order to really draw out the personality of the piece. The characters are fun and the situation could lead in many directions.

Here are some structural observations:

(Angela was taking notes on my inability to stray from my comfort zone.)
I really like the opening insertion of character traits. The wording 'was taking notes on' feels like it could be better- it's passive and doesn't really nail the heart of the delivered line. 'Taking notes' doesn't fully encapsulate the nagging interjections of another.

(I could only shrug my shoulders in response.)
'In response' doesn't help the line. In fact, excluding it may be a good downplaying as it focuses less on the act of 'response' and more on the significance of the action.

("I dare you to spice up your mundane existence!")
A more organic phrasing is needed in order to paint Angela as a character.

(Did I mention Angela is a bit of drama queen?)
Strange mention of the second person.

(She's really quite striking with her dark hair, dark eyes, and gorgeous figure. She looked as though she stepped off a cover of Cosmopolitan, right down to her flashy, stylish clothing and purposely understated make-up.)
At least one of these traits should be unorthodox to draw Angela as a person. Figure, hair, eyes, clothing, and makeup are all characteristics of the anonymous.

(I nearly choked on my bland sip of white house wine.)
This is personal preference- removing the possessive and replacing 'my' with 'a' makes the character more likable and less self absorbed.

(Usually I was the one beside her, backing her up as she tormented yet another unlucky acquaintance with her demented sense of humour.)
I like the digression. I'm trying to qualify this and what comes to mind is drunken truth or dare, though the couple seems a little adult for that sort of thing. A quick contextualization of such occurrences may add more to her character.


("Seriously, Ange," I countered,)
The tag 'I countered' is spoon feeding. It's evident from the context that the phrase is a counter.

(She laughed, her loud, inviting laugh that draws you in and makes you smile right along with her, without even knowing she's pulling you into her world, coercing you into taking part in whatever scheme she is concocting.)
I like this idea. Again the possessive may interfere a little. 'She laughed a loud inviting laugh' with no commas really smooths out the read.

(The more I reflected on the sameness of everyday, the more I realized that she was right.)
It's difficult to know how to feel about this. The only indication of the character's blandness has been the insistence of other characters regarding the blandness. He isn't fleshed out enough to give the reader a sense of blandness.

My life was boring...so very quickly.)
Again, this is just telling the reader that the character's life is bland.

(She would make an excellent fisherman - not that I have ever fished before, but I have seen the odd fishing show on TV and thought there's just too much waiting involved for it to be all that engrossing.)
I dig this sentence, it's a cool idea.

(I mean, seriously who wants to repetitively cast out the line, reel it in again, cast again, reel again, cast again, reel again, and all the while waiting, waiting, waiting for something to happen. . .)
This could cast fishing as more masturbatory and humorously absurd.

(I’m telling you, no one can resist the Angela-glare, she has it down to a fine art.)
I like the idea, I just want to sense the enticement from Angela's dialog rather than have the character explain that it is enticing.

(Angela smiled slyly...anyone could do it.")
Acute, I like it.

(I swear she started to glow from within.)
Start weeding out some unnecessary passives in your forward moving story. 'I swear she glowed...'

(She took a sip of her martini, which suddenly looked far more appealing than my plain white wine, and proceeded to wait for me to ponder over her proposition.)
The martini waited? Rephrase.

(and then countered with,)
First 'counter' is redundant and evident from the context. You haven't done this yet, but I hate preceding telegraphs of dialog. It essentially just tells the reader that a line is about to be delivered. There is no point in it, just deliver the line. Interjecting the dialog is just fucking with the readers flow.

(Angela insisted.)
Red tag.

(I shrugged, "Fun is relative.)
Format:
I shrugged.
'Fun is relative.'

(one of those looks at me that clearly indicated she could see right through me)
I want to see this look.

("This is gonna be so much fun! Thirty new things, in thirty days before your thirtieth birthday! You have to document everything, so that nothing is repeated. Witnesses would also be good -")
Make this line more human. Who says 'document everything, so that nothing is repeated' when talking to someone they know personally? It makes more sense for her to have a specific fantasy about it written in a certain kind of notebook so she can enjoy a voyeuristic and probing look. It's good information to contextualize the story, but feels a little like exposition for the readers sake.

("You have to," she cajoled.)
'She cajoled' is a nasty tag. The manner in which a character delivers a line should be implied by the context rather than explicitly stated by the author. A tag should be used almost exclusively to identify the speaker, as it is almost entirely useless in contextualizing the dialog. When you shape the dialog by these phrases rather than by the character actions, the lines come across as dictation rather than a natural exchange between individuals.

(her shoulders, "You get to)
Format.

(she offered)
Red tag, it is evident that the phrase is an offer.

(thoughtful for a moment. "We'll have a spa day, my treat." )
Format.

(never had a manicure, pedicure, massage - none of it. It sounded inviting, but I)
This sounds like an opportunity to put in a more fearful thought of upcoming conflict. The reader isn't interested in any of those actions.

(I could start with food, and work my way up from there.)
The conflict between characters has carried the story to this point. The prospect of the character trying new foods- even if that is what happens next, doesn't entice further reading. The fear of the unknown is what should be pulling the story forward at this point.

Sounds interesting...it's on my watchlist.

Here's mine: Old England clean romance with sizzle between governess and master. Could really use your backing. Paying cancer bills, but the hardness of life has pushed me to do something I’d never have pushed myself to do otherwise, thus writing a book, so it’s not all bad. Thanks!

Jennifer,
With "The Diary of Anne Frank" jn mind, or for that matter, "Bridget Jones' Diary," we're looking at an approach to creating a book that's tried and true. "Remember Newvember" is a humorous take on this style of writing, and I enjoyed following the narrator's zany antics. You're right about the prologue which sort of delays the inevitable. We're taking a peek into someone's diary and don't need any preamble to get to day one. Cutting to the chase puts the reader right where the action is, and propels him/her from one delicious scene to the next all the way to the end. Why give him/her a chance to mull over what he/she is getting into?.There's an immediacy to the text of a diary that's best served hot.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

I have read through most of the recent comments and I have little to add ... well done and good luck. Backed all the way.

This is gorgeous, I am completely in love. Screw school - I'm staying home and reading the rest! This is exactly my style of writing, with the first person narrative and the quick humour. It's completely relatable to me and so many others. The writing is fluid and easy to read. The whole thing reads like a big, comforting bowl of ramen. I really mean that, I'm not just digging for backings, this is my favourite kind of book. Well done, I hope you do well with it!

Alex

I LOVE this premise. I hate first person anything, but this one is different. Willow has alot of living to do and it's just plain old fun. Yeah.

Hi Jennifer

Sorry I took so long to get to this from the thread on pitches, but Mr Winterflood had a loooong (but excellent) book!

So this is a great concept and would make (for some reason I like this aspect of my reads) a great film. The characters are good (although methinks Willow may have a physical thing for Ange...?)

The story concept will make me read more, I want to know what other new things she is going to try (aside from the spa.) One little thing that snagged for me was the use of double adjectives - her flashy stylish clothes was one and there was another one, but since I have started commenting I can access the page to see it - anyway, it struck me as a little bit of overwriting?

Off to read chapter 2

hmmm, looks like something I should become familiar with

Hi Jenny B,
Your comments on the Forum were so charming, I thought I better look at your book. And, of course, it isn't a man's first choice of genre, but I am impressed with your writing. Very professional. I read three chapters so far. Well done. I'll pop back when I can read some more and then offer a nice rating for you (deservedly so).
Best,
John B Campbell

Jennifer,

After looking as your book, REMEMBER NEWVEMBER, I decided to back it. I hope you will check out either of my two novels, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND for a possible backing. Thank you and good luck!

Dwain-Thomas

My boyfriend is always telling me to get out of my comfort zone (particularly whilst teaching me to ski!).. so I can totally relate with Willow. What a creative idea. I totally think we should all try new things once in a while. I've only read the first chapter due to lack of time, but I'll be reading more when I have time. In the meantime I'm happy to back. Very best wishes, Emily (Traps and Topaz)

I've just read chaps 10-12 and enjoyed it - your writing style is easy to go along with, and your descriptions/comments are interesting! On my WL for more.
Vall (Midwyf)

I started reading this last night and was several chapters in before I knew it.

The handwriting part was quite hard on the old eyes, and to be clear enough I needed to enlarge the size, but got it eventually. it may be an issue maybe not, but I was glad when it went back to normal.

Have to say doing 30 different things, in 30 days isn't a new premise but this is written so well that it doesnt really matter.

Your MC comes over as a bit of a wimp to start with, so heres hoping the 30 new things bring her out of herself. She does seem to go on a bit and gets a bit self absorbed. That might be just the way it appears. Its not off putting, didnt stop me reading on.

i will dig deeper and read on once i have time. For now its on my shelf
C

Jennifer,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel of the narrative however is the conversational tone with which is written. There is an everyday, colloquial quality of your writing that creates an eye in the wall sensation of the reader.

As a result your character rather than moving through a plot seem to be inhabiting one....

the difference being....that of a lack of urgency.....the absence of care in which their whereabouts happen...

....and as they do their grace shows

....and that is the jewel of your narrative.


Some of my favorites:

"she would make an excellent fisherman"
I have never seen this which is why I liked for, If wanted to read about things I have already seen, I would take the subway...lol

"spit you out wet"

"I took my first step....."
this is your personal best...for in here you get into the nity gritty of describing, the methodic use of visual language to describe behavior

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I would use italics rather than a change in the font type for, in the screen it makes it difficult to read
(in paper it might be different)

"smiled slyly" "looked thoughtful" "I was a wreck" "stupidly stare"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he uses body language to describe...the reader feels

"gorgeous figure" "demented sense of humor" "suddenly looked" "slowly irrevocably"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

The start of this is very intriguing. I love the concept. I hope some exciting things are to come in the next 29 days, this is just the type of thing I'd want to do. Maybe I'll do some of them with her as long as it's not a bikini wax or attending mass. Look forward to reading more later.

Scratch
Don't Talk To me When I'm Pooping

Funny, entertaining, engaging Chick Lit with a dollop of philosophy of life. Very well done, professionally written, with not a single typo that I noted. I thought the Forward was a good introduction. I found it immediately engaging, and a good way of beginning the story. Ch 1, I was relieved when the 'handwriting' start reverted to normal script, so much more restful to read. It was a good idea to explain the expression 'gone postal.' You don't know who will wind up reading your book, and there are bound to be some who don't know the expression. And then the first real 'new thing.' It would never have occurred to me that taking the stairs instead of the lift could qualify as an 'adventure,' but I've never known risky flights of stairs. I briefly sampled several more chapters, among them the last, which contained the dose of philosophy.
I commend you on your novel. To be backed. Marj.

I really enjoyed this, Jenny, although I wonder whether you actually need the prologue. The business of Willow being predictable and unadventurous seems a bit contrived in that first chapter, and I think the pace picks up beautifully once you get past it. If you make a list of the things that you think need to be communicated in order to establish the story, and then check how many of them are there anyway in 2 and 3, I think you'd be pleasantly surprised. The prologue is kind of sitting in neutral. Once you actually put the narrative into gear and start driving, it's a great journey!

Good luck with getting it re-established!

Rachel
Guardian of the Pegasus

I love this. I started reading it because I promised to when you announced your catastrophe on the forum but it is really excellent. the premise is quirky and interesting and the style is chic lit I think but with a "Friends" sort of undertone. I care about your characters and immediately felt that I could get to know them. Your writing is so very natural, the dialogue is great and the scenes you create are amusing, cringe making - eurgh for the caterpillar thing. I hadn't set aside much time for this but I really hope to come back and read on. I will have to leave Willow with her swear word for now and go and decide which poor soul is going to be bumped off the desk to make room. - Brilliant - Diane

The second chapter was good, too. I personally DID like her first opening part--didn't think it sounded forced at all! and I loved her BLOG one the best. That made me laugh out loud! This really has a great voice so far. Some bits I feel the character goes on a bit too much, but then things pick up again. Remember though, I'm not much of a chick lit reader, so don't count my opinion too heavily (or heavily at all, for that matter) I suppose I could have just said "take my comments lightly" LOL

This has a chick lit feel to it--fun, chatty, interpersonal. I can relate to the MC and one of my closest friends is like Ang. I love the premise of the story, too--something NEW for every day of NOVEMBER. (Newvember! clever!)

You maybe want to try incorporating some exact details. For example, when you say her flashy, stylish clothing, instead you could maybe show us what that looks like. Such as her purple trimmed zebra print blouse and black dress pants. (that may not be what you're going for, but let us see what you see. When it's exact, it feels more real to the reader.)

The pacing is good. Sometimes the dialogue is slowed by slightly clunky internal, but nothing a small revision won't sort out. Going to read chapter 2 now :)