This Salted Earth

This is brilliantly written. I read the first five chapters and will probably return to read more. Not an error in sight that I noticed. I feel like I've just picked this up off the book store shelf. A great read too. I love the shifting viewpoints and the short sharp changes between scenes. The characters are all so complex and leap off the page.
I don't see you having many problems getting agents to consider this.
Six stars from me and on my bookshelf in the coming weeks,
Cheers Jacoba

I am not familiar with The Iliad, but what you are doing here is very clever. I read the first and seventeenth chapter, and believe you write well. The voices are true and subtly different (could they be a little more so?) and you do dialogue believably. The action zips along, but in an interesting way - the reader gets a partial picture, having to rely on the narrator. So you make your reader work, but that is a Good Thing. Too many authors underestimate their audience. This is confidently done and impressive, and though you have labelled it 'Young Adult', I reckon it has a broader appeal than that.

THIS SALTED EARTH
This is a fast moving and powerful story in its own right, but what gave me the most pleasure was working out who was who from this updated Iliad. I may have got some things wrong, but this is what I think:
Greys=Greeks and Taylors=Trojans and you've got Johnny as Menelaus and his elder brother Ben as Agamemnon. Their women are the beautiful Helen (Helen of Sparta/Troy) and her elder sister,Cleo ( as Clytemnestra.) Alec is a convincing "pretty boy" Paris/Alexander and Polly must be his young sister, Polyxena. Poor introspective but far-seeing Cassie is Cassandra and Hazel is their mother, Hecuba. Later I discovered Pete as the Trojan king, Priam and Liz as Leda, Helen's mother.
There are so many other references to the Trojan war! You have the nightclub named after the mountain near Troy and I wonder if Olivia is the water nymph, Oenone? Zac is unmistakeble as the the noble Hector, trying to protect his family, and Alice is Andromache, touchingly concerned about Zac being killed and leaving her alone with her baby. Is younger brother, Danny, the aggressive Prince Deiphobus? And Luke, the gentler younger brother, Prince Helenus, the twin of Cassandra?
Also, does the Police Department represent the Greek gods in the original, taking sides with either the Greys or the Taylors? Back on the Grey's side, "psycho" Liam is certainly Achilles (with his loyal friend, Patrick as Patroclus.) When Liam withdraws his support from the Greys after an argument with Ben over "war-prize" Byrony, it sets in motion the death of Patrick, Liam's killing of Zac and then Alec's killing of Liam...echoing the deaths of Patroclus, Hector and Achilles on the plains of Troy.
I found Alice's despair at Zac's death and the reaction of the other women to the violence, particularly well done. It shows the human race hasn't changed much in those three thousand years since the time of the Trojan War, however much we think we are civilised: we're still driven by the emotions of jealousy, revenge and fear. It seems to be only young Iona and tormented Cassie who can see things more clearly, but they are not in positions of power and not strong enough to stop the destruction that Cassie knows is coming. There's a feeling of doom throughout your story.
Like the original, the Taylors are tricked into thinking the Greys have given up their attack. They relax and celebrate, letting down their guard. They realise their mistake, but it is too late. Alec is killed and the Taylor's house is on fire, just as Troy was destroyed by fire. Your ending is powerful and you give us a ray of hope, with Helen's younger sister, Iona, thinking. "They've let the earth bleed with salt for long enough, but not anymore...."

An impressive story. I think your use of the alternating POV helps the reader understand the different feelings and fears of each main character and to see how the violence escalates until the end is almost inevitable. Perhaps there's a small amount of editing required, but this is a gripping, exciting story which I believe will appeal to young adults (and older readers too!) I will give your book a spell on my bookshelf when I do a swap round. Good luck with this.
Cherry G.
The Girl From Ithaca

Laid-back, easy to read story that I believe will definitely appeal to young adult readers :) I don't have time to read beyond the first chapter, but I like the world you've created and will be placing this on my watchlist so that I can return to read more (and hopefully shelve it when space opens up :) )

I have to admit I approached this with some trepidation as it is not the sort of book I would choose to read, but that is of course the point of this site. I took a while to get into it because of this. Do I need to know aobut the Trojan war? Do you need to tell us this is the basis for this? Can it stand alone? I think no no and yes. I also had a bit of a problem with the narrative voice from the outset, but I think you've got it right. You could have dived into some serious slang, but it has a more restrained, classical sensibility, and again, i think this works well. The story is well told by juping between the various characters, which is very clever and brave of you to try it. By using 1st person, you are drawing us right into the action. You have some utterly brilliant metaphors scattered about - glaring lipgloss, dress flowing like water, probably enough for what you are trying to do. Am short of time as always, but got through 1st 6 and a few others at random. This is very well written and am hapy to back it.

This is brilliantly written. I read the first five chapters and will probably return to read more. Not an error in sight that I noticed. I feel like I've just picked this up off the book store shelf. A great read too. I love the shifting viewpoints and the short sharp changes between scenes. The characters are all so complex and leap off the page.
I don't see you having many problems getting agents to consider this.
Six stars from me and on my bookshelf in the coming weeks,
Cheers Jacoba

Ooooo!!! I love the connections you made between your characters and the Iliad. Great first chapter--it sets up the feud and promises much in the coming chapters. The only negative thing I have to say is that your super-short scenes are making the storyline a little choppy. Most of them seem (to me) to be semi-nonessential information that can be conveyed in the scene following it. Other than that, it looks great!

Bek Mars, author of DarkStar

A seamlesss first chapter, crisply written,well paced and a thoroughly enjoyable read. Backed with pleasure.

Richard

I think this is a brilliant idea on its way to being well executed. I do know the Illiad well and loved the teasing way you transpose the old story onto the new. (I won't go over Cherry G's comments which all seemed to me to be pretty on the mark). Knowing the story it's hard to say how this will play with a young adult audience who don't know the original. Whilst it works in its own right I'm slightly worried that it might, as it stands, be a little bit too demanding for the intended audience (the change of voices is rapid- like TV intercutting). My only feeling is you might be taking too much for granted and condensing the story to the point where it takes a lot of concentration to hold the story together. And the voices aren't that different which means the pace and tone of the piece hardly change. It would be nice if one character had a more literary bent and took time to carefully describe the world they all live in. In fact it might help if each of your chosen voices had an identifying/deiscernible quirk or two that set them apart - we all do have our own ways of seeing the world and whilst each of your characters does watch things from different viewpoint it felt as if they all share a similar sensibility.
That ramble aside I'd be very interested to know if you've tried this out with young adults and what they thought.
I hope they really liked it.
Very best of luck with this porject.
Gefordson
Nothing you can do.

PS. Re-reading the first chapter a couple of things struck me.
1. You could open with something more dramatic.
2. I remembered being confused here about Cleo being married to Ben.

Love it! If JG Ballard had written a gangland novel, this would be it.
My only observation, for all it's worth, is that the individual voices of all the protagonists tend to merge a little, as they're all written in a similar vein.
But the sequence in chapter two where Alex picks the wrong girl to help is gripping. It had me gritting my teeth at the sheer discomfort of it all.
Great stuff, deserves a publisher.

I like the concept of this book and the pace is spot on. You handle the story well form the start. Some head hopping ( something I have struggled with myself) in ch one. It didn’t bother me, in fact I enjoyed it. I got a great rounded view of the scene but there are others who will majorly disagree. I suppose it’s your story and you will decided yourself what works best for your characters.
Best of luck with this.
Janny

This a really interesting idea, cleverly executed. It took me a little to get into, becoming more interesting around half way through Ch.2. The writing is good. I don’t think one needs to be familiar with the Iliad to see that Helen’s relationship with Alec isn’t going to turn out well. I liked the build up of tension as the relationship becomes closer ... and closer ... and as the other characters start to notice things and have suspicions. There are a lot of characters to keep in mind, so I wondered whether a list at start saying who is who might be useful for YA readers. One typo: Ch.5 “finds outs” should be “finds out”.
Anyway, this is a fine retelling of an old favourite for a new audience.

Great idea and a lot of fun. I'm a fan of the Illiad, so it's hard for me to tell how the YA audience would feel about this without reading the original, but I think they might enjoy it without caring about the connection. Good luck! This is going on my shelf.

Loved chapter one. I'm reserving judgment on whether to advance it to my bookshelf until I've read a little more but it certainly has potential.
Paul

The writing is good, the set up realistic, and the POV changes are clever. Those same POV changes are my only concern. Within the 'chapters' you've got multiple POVs forcing your reader to hop between 'heads'...that can be labor intensive even with the sections labeled according to POV. I wonder if you should end the chapter when the POV changes...an unconscious pause that allows the reader to remove themselves from the character in a more subtle fashion...the chapter changed so we're expecting other changes as well.

Periodically, you may also want to set the stage for the changing POV. For example:
Helen (upon leaving Cleo at her new flat)...The section ends with Helen thinking about Johnny, but the next character we hear from is Cleo. You can't do it all the time, but in this particular instance, maybe before jumping from Helen to Cleo you find a way to end that sectino with Helen thinking about Cleo instead about Johnny.

I am not familiar with The Iliad, but what you are doing here is very clever. I read the first and seventeenth chapter, and believe you write well. The voices are true and subtly different (could they be a little more so?) and you do dialogue believably. The action zips along, but in an interesting way - the reader gets a partial picture, having to rely on the narrator. So you make your reader work, but that is a Good Thing. Too many authors underestimate their audience. This is confidently done and impressive, and though you have labelled it 'Young Adult', I reckon it has a broader appeal than that.

THIS SALTED EARTH
This is a fast moving and powerful story in its own right, but what gave me the most pleasure was working out who was who from this updated Iliad. I may have got some things wrong, but this is what I think:
Greys=Greeks and Taylors=Trojans and you've got Johnny as Menelaus and his elder brother Ben as Agamemnon. Their women are the beautiful Helen (Helen of Sparta/Troy) and her elder sister,Cleo ( as Clytemnestra.) Alec is a convincing "pretty boy" Paris/Alexander and Polly must be his young sister, Polyxena. Poor introspective but far-seeing Cassie is Cassandra and Hazel is their mother, Hecuba. Later I discovered Pete as the Trojan king, Priam and Liz as Leda, Helen's mother.
There are so many other references to the Trojan war! You have the nightclub named after the mountain near Troy and I wonder if Olivia is the water nymph, Oenone? Zac is unmistakeble as the the noble Hector, trying to protect his family, and Alice is Andromache, touchingly concerned about Zac being killed and leaving her alone with her baby. Is younger brother, Danny, the aggressive Prince Deiphobus? And Luke, the gentler younger brother, Prince Helenus, the twin of Cassandra?
Also, does the Police Department represent the Greek gods in the original, taking sides with either the Greys or the Taylors? Back on the Grey's side, "psycho" Liam is certainly Achilles (with his loyal friend, Patrick as Patroclus.) When Liam withdraws his support from the Greys after an argument with Ben over "war-prize" Byrony, it sets in motion the death of Patrick, Liam's killing of Zac and then Alec's killing of Liam...echoing the deaths of Patroclus, Hector and Achilles on the plains of Troy.
I found Alice's despair at Zac's death and the reaction of the other women to the violence, particularly well done. It shows the human race hasn't changed much in those three thousand years since the time of the Trojan War, however much we think we are civilised: we're still driven by the emotions of jealousy, revenge and fear. It seems to be only young Iona and tormented Cassie who can see things more clearly, but they are not in positions of power and not strong enough to stop the destruction that Cassie knows is coming. There's a feeling of doom throughout your story.
Like the original, the Taylors are tricked into thinking the Greys have given up their attack. They relax and celebrate, letting down their guard. They realise their mistake, but it is too late. Alec is killed and the Taylor's house is on fire, just as Troy was destroyed by fire. Your ending is powerful and you give us a ray of hope, with Helen's younger sister, Iona, thinking. "They've let the earth bleed with salt for long enough, but not anymore...."

An impressive story. I think your use of the alternating POV helps the reader understand the different feelings and fears of each main character and to see how the violence escalates until the end is almost inevitable. Perhaps there's a small amount of editing required, but this is a gripping, exciting story which I believe will appeal to young adults (and older readers too!) I will give your book a spell on my bookshelf when I do a swap round. Good luck with this.
Cherry G.
The Girl From Ithaca

Definately a good fit for YA...You've set up a good line of tension in the first chapter. I do think that you need to tighten up the first two paragraphs though...What threw me was the negetive tension you set up in the first one and then you say it wasn't always like this in the first sentece of the second paragraph...might just be me, but it pulled me out. Your characters are life-like and the dialouge comes out smooth and natural!!

Backed!!
Cheers,
Dwayne

I was very interested in the concept behind this book. Having read chapter one I think it looks like the concept is being well handled. I enjoyed the earlier descriptive passages. I felt they were written at just the right pace for the reader and gave a good feel for Helen. It was clear from the start we were in her POV and this helped to engage me as a reader with the minimum of fuss. As the chapter progress it was nicely done how the elements of the classic Iliad were referred to and dropped in; the father in Greece, the remarks about Helen's looks, the boyfriend who is jealous of others even looking at Helen. For me those were plus points. Overall the first chapter worked well and I would like to read more and see how the elements of the Iliad are used in this.

I felt the dialogue, though fine in itself, was a little less well observed or at somehow a different par to the earlier part of the chapter. It seemed to lose a little too much depth or age of feeling compared to the earlier section. Just because the people talking are young, it doesn't necessarily mean the dialogue section has to lose the depth of the earlier writing. I would stress that this is very likely a personal opinion as I am not probably the target market for this.

The only line change that stood out to me, imho, was instead of 'It makes me cringe.' To a more simple 'I hate it.'

Happy to star rate and try and look at this more when I have time.

John

Dear Frances, I love that you have "resurrected 'Trojan War' the Iliad... the legend unfolds through sixteen voices, sixteen teenagers caught in the heart of the conflict, retold in a modern city, inflames the timeless passions of love and anger, dragging the tragedy from mythological origins into temporary conflict, revenge, envy, Zach & his battle with two power-hungry youths, Ben and Johnny with Zach's brother, Alec caught in the middle who falls in love with Johnny's girlfriend, secret love affair, each side struggles for survival," as your pitch portrays. :) As I read through your story, I love that you have each character's point of view, putting me right there with them to understand their feelings. :) As I finished ch.30, I thought, "unrequited love" & was so sad. ;( Love, Susie :)

I have to admit I approached this with some trepidation as it is not the sort of book I would choose to read, but that is of course the point of this site. I took a while to get into it because of this. Do I need to know aobut the Trojan war? Do you need to tell us this is the basis for this? Can it stand alone? I think no no and yes. I also had a bit of a problem with the narrative voice from the outset, but I think you've got it right. You could have dived into some serious slang, but it has a more restrained, classical sensibility, and again, i think this works well. The story is well told by juping between the various characters, which is very clever and brave of you to try it. By using 1st person, you are drawing us right into the action. You have some utterly brilliant metaphors scattered about - glaring lipgloss, dress flowing like water, probably enough for what you are trying to do. Am short of time as always, but got through 1st 6 and a few others at random. This is very well written and am hapy to back it.

I have to admit I approached this with some trepidation as it is not the sort of book I would choose to read, but that is of course the point of this site. I took a while to get into it because of this. Do I need to know aobut the Trojan war? Do you need to tell us this is the basis for this? Can it stand alone? I think no no and yes. I also had a bit of a problem with the narrative voice from the outset, but I think you've got it right. You could have dived into some serious slang, but it has a more restrained, classical sensibility, and again, i think this works well. The story is well told by juping between the various characters, which is very clever and brave of you to try it. By using 1st person, you are drawing us right into the action. You have some utterly brilliant metaphors scattered about - glaring lipgloss, dress flowing like water, probably enough for what you are trying to do. Am short of time as always, but got through 1st 6 and a few others at random. This is very well written and am hapy to back it.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A captivating start. An interesting main character. Good deep point of view. Good attention to details but, interestingly enough, not much description. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) Briefly set the scene at the beginning of the chapter. Somehow show us where and when this opening scene is taking place. And inform us who the point of view character is.
2) 'One day it all just broke loose' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
3) 'Ben Gray owns the police now' hooked me. Consider starting with this line.
4) 'They couldn't turn a blind eye any longer.' 'Turn a blind eye' is cliche. Consider rewording this to get the same idea across, but in a new way.
5) ' ... I used to carry a switchblade next to the pepper spray in my handbag.' This is the first indication I have that the point of view character is female. I'm four paragraphs into the story before I find 'that' out. Try to work that critical piece of info in much earlier.
6) "Hey Helen, I like your hair tonight." Comma after 'hey.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases of this type of problem.
7) ' ... leaving mum with nothing except three kids to raise on her own.' Capitalize 'mum.' When used in this context 'mum' is a proper noun and should be capitalized. There are more cases where mum and dad should be capitalized.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a wonderful day.

Al

Laid-back, easy to read story that I believe will definitely appeal to young adult readers :) I don't have time to read beyond the first chapter, but I like the world you've created and will be placing this on my watchlist so that I can return to read more (and hopefully shelve it when space opens up :) )

Chapter two: last Alec at bottom of page. I don't know, maybe I'm all wet. I went back and reread it three more times, but I'm still not seeing it in Alec's pov. It seems pretty even. Both characters have there own view of the situtation and both characters put it across clearly. It just doesn't seem to be tipped toward one more than the other.
Janell

Chapter two, second Alec: Umm . . . still seems like it's in Zac's pov to me and here's why I think that. Zac is afraid of what Alec doesn't know and of what he might do purposefully or unintentionally and he's warning him about it ahead of time in a nice way. Where Alec is coming off as, huh! What'd I do? which isn't strong enough to lead the scene as the view point character. If you had Alec wondering to himself why Zac thinks he stupid enough or his personality traits lean toward trouble so that he would start a fight -- or saying to Zac, "what's the matter with you. You know me better than that." Or both, then the whole scene would be seen from Alec's pov. As it is, it's dominated by Zac feeling Alec out to see where he's coming from and by Zac's worry. What do you think?
Janell
PS If you'll click on my name, tomewriter, above my comment, which takes you to my page, scroll down to 'leave a message' on the right hand side, click on that, leave your message in the box and click submit, it will come up on my message notification. Otherwise, I have to go to your book page and search for any messages you've left for me. Gets to me quicker this way.

Nicely done. Just finished chapter four. I like the different format/style you've used to lay out your story. Interesting. A few misspelled words here and there, a word dropped, nothing to worry about.

Give my, Speed trap, a look as soon as you can.
Janell

Hi Frances,
Last part (Alec) pov again, sounds more like Zac than Alec.
Janell

Hi Janell
Thanks for all your comments. Do you mean in this one that he's too much like Zac's character?
I've had another look through Chapter 2 and it's definitely Alec's pov.
I see what you mean about the police ultimatum in chapter 1 and will have a think about it.
I'll put Speedtrap on my watchlist and have a read at some point. Sounds interesting.
Thanks for your help,
Fe

Hi Frances,
Last part (Alec) pov again, sounds more like Zac than Alec.
Janell

Hi Frances,
On chapter two, under the second 'Alec' at the top of the chapter. I noticed that you are writing these (or at least it seems so) from that person's pov. Though, this one sounds more like the pov is Zac's not Alec.
Janell

Hi Frances,
Read the first chapter and will read more as time allows. I like it very much. Only found one spot that I thought was a little confusing. You start out telling us Ben owns one half of the police department and Zac owns the other. Second from last sentence in that paragraph you say, 'with it came the police's ultimatum.' If Ben and Zac are the main players concerning the police and what they do, wouldn't the decision to call a cease fire have been a mutually agreed upon call between Ben and Zac and then passed to their 'people.' Why would they go through the police department to implement and enforce that decision when they've already laid down the law, sort of to speak? Do you see my confusion? Will star your book and place on my watchlist, but I will move it to my book shelf as soon as I get a space cleared. Best wishes.
Janell (tomewriter)
PS Please read my book: Speed Trap, star rate and leave a critique if you have time. I'd like to hear what you think.

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it :) - let me know. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have gold ****** -rated your book because it's "The Trojan War. Resurrected." :) Read & commented on 4 days later. :)

I think the early chapters move along nicely. I had a little trouble keeping up with the POV, but perhaps with a little caffeine, I'll do better. So far so good. I'll try to come back and read more when I can. Best wishes.
John B Campbell

I have happily WLd your book and will comment on some of it soon. Enjoyed the conversation.
Best,
JBC/Nigel