Book Jacket

 

rank 3001
word count 11203
date submitted 25.10.2008
date updated 29.07.2010
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Fantasy, Comedy
classification: moderate
incomplete

A User's Guide to Death

Damon Cavalchini

You can save the world but you can't eat pizza when you're dead

 

Eddie’s dead
Shot in the head

Like way too many people, Edward had no idea what to with his life after he died. So, he sat down to write a book by oujia board.

Edward Beat was not having a good life. The girl of his dreams ignored him, his friends thought he was a dweeb and virtually everyone else didn’t know he existed. But, when Edward is killed in a bungled robbery, he suddenly became the missing key to a conspiracy that threatened to kill everyone he cares about.

Trapped as a ghost and unable to interact with the living, Edward watches helplessly as his best friend and his wanted-to-be girlfriend try to discover whether Edward's death was really the accident it appeared or whether there was a more sinister motive behind it.

Along the way, Edward must stop a criminal conspiracy, get the girl and save his soul.

This is the story of Edward’s life, death and the impact a single shot gun bullet can have on your standard of living.

 
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tags

comedy, crime, ghosts, love, mystery, pizza, pratchett

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25 comments

 

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Crispy Sea wrote 1268 days ago

A stunningly relaxed voice, excellent easy read, watchlisted for when I've more time. Brilliant. Cheers. Crispy

Pierre Van Rooyen wrote 1285 days ago

Dear Damon,

What can I say when I read your profile?. Craziest bastard on earth? I can't stop laughing at your satire. (Is it satire? I only went to farm school, so I have to look many things up in the dictionary.) And as for this apparition with a stripe of whitewash(?) across his face.

You weren't lying drunk on the road and the white-line machine ran over you, were you? Absolutely brilliant. If you have any children, you must frighten the hell out of them. Maybe that's the only way you get them to behave. I don't know what your wife thinks. You've probably shamed her from one year to the next. What do her friends think?

I'm nearly as bad as you. When my daughter asks after me, she doesn't refer to her father. She asks my wife, how's your crazy husband? But then, I did put the garden hose on her once, when she was inside the house. That was a lot of fun.

You suffer the same crap as I do. Evereyone backs your first work but not so much your second. I'm a rebel, so I'm posting my comment on poor little Cinderella and I'll watchlist and back both books. See if we can't do something about that stupid red arrow.

Just stick around a bit. I have about four thousand nine hundred and sixty two books on my watchlist and I don't read that good. I gotta point at the words as I read.

But I shall overcome! See you around in due course and thanks for the visit. Regards. Pierre.

Rob Thomas wrote 1292 days ago

I am really getting into this, loving first person narratives as I do. Love the premise, love the voice, love the humour. By the way, surely it's an automortography? Anyway, I didn't expect to be shelving it as I wrongly anticipated something gimmicky. Okay, it has got a gimmick but some gimmicks work and this does. Totally. So on the shelf it goes.

Nice job. Will read more soon.

milliepod wrote 1300 days ago

Hi Damon,

Gosh - I'm really enjoying this! I've just read the first three chapters but I'll put you on my watchlist for another day. I loved the punchy facts about Edward in the first two chapters and the fact that things are now moving on in chapter three. The writing style really flows and I felt compelled to read this after seeing the blurb on your page (found that through the forums, usual story).

You're very eloquent and I can hear Edward's voice in my head, talking me through all the information. This is great, and I'm going to have a look at your much-more-plugged-book now!

Cheers,
CC

fatema wrote 31 days ago

Dear Damon, Damon i named my son, i am surprised that for last 15 years i haven't heard of anyone else with this name, other than Damon Hill and my Damon.
Well written story, You began with very good philosphy in chapter one, examples of buses, impatient your charrecter is. Pizza parlour, girl, refusal is bullet like. Kills, can be , i can understand that. Well written. Fun stuff for certain age group.

klouholmes wrote 662 days ago

Hi Damon, The scene in the café is excellent and the POV captures it in the slowness that it had for the narrator. His knowing the thieves and the bit of information about himself was crafted in well. I liked the thoughts on heroism and his attitude about life too. The synopsis brought me in since I love the idea of the ghost being about when a mystery is being solved. Your narrative style bodes of a good read! Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Burgio wrote 665 days ago

USER’S GUIDE TO DEATH
This book is fun to read. It’s different than the usual ghost story because Eddie can’t communicate except by a Ouija board (imagine how long that would take?). You’ve made Eddie a likable ghost; makes a reader want to follow him and see how this all turns out. I’m adding it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 8th place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

Amberly wrote 665 days ago

Dear Damon

Interesting title and very catching first line. I'm sucked straight in.

The first paragraph needs some editing, "... no idea what to with his life..." and you chop between past and present tense a little too roughly but i'm interested in reading more just from the humour and angle of the piece.

Good luck with it.

Amberly

Tiger-Lily wrote 1249 days ago

I liked the way you started this off. Brilliantly engaging. Very nice analogies, and the Micheal Jackson reference was a nice touch. :P Shall continue to read this later wen I've got time. :D

- HT

Daniel Morris wrote 1249 days ago

Not sure how I stumbled across this, but I'm glad I did. A well thought out concept and well written. Was already a couple of chapters in before I really realized it. I might take issue w/ the description of people at the robbery dropping like marionettes, which, although clever, to me brought to mind a lifeless collapse, which didn't seem to really fit that kind of scenario. But then again, I'm no authority on these matters. Anyways, I'll back this!

B) wrote 1262 days ago

Excellent! I want to read and read, but my bank manager is pleading for me to work. What a great idea! Well done!

milliepod wrote 1265 days ago

*Chanting*
*** More shelves! More shelves! More shelves! More shelves! More shelves! ***

I wish I hadn't backed this when my TS was about 700 and something because I would shelve it again now and you might have flown up the charts. The line '..stigma of living in a world shaped by Stoker, Lovecraft and Buffy...' made me laugh (again) and also 'Ouija board communication offers a better exercise routine than weightlifting'. Great wit here.

There are a couple of little bits that need fixing - the 'world shaped' sentence needs 'a' before world, and in the first Editor's Note 'We've kept Edward's little asides' - that doesn't make sense, I think there imust be a word or two missing. Although now I re-read it I think it does make sense.....but it's taken me a minute to make sense out of the words.

It's a great story and I really love the idea of a mortography (did I say that before?) and particularly one that was literally spelled out by a somewhat cantankerous ghost. Love this. Going to plug it in the forum soon but will wait until you're back :)

4dprefect wrote 1267 days ago

Hi Damon. I love the tone of this, some wonderfully witty observations spilling forth from this dead narrator of yours, and it's a great idea. I think in the intro, you'd be as well to actually kick off with 'This is my mortography. The autobiography of my death.' That's a nice pair of eyecatching sentences and, I think, the made up word of mortography piques added interest from the get go and you also get to dispense with the 'if you like'. Your actual first chapter, I think could do with kicking off at 'Where to begin? My birth? Or my death? The bullet hung in the air...' etc. And I wasn't sure what an 'unfilled' death might be - I'm guessing you're wanting to refer to deaths after people have lived unfulfilled lives, but that'd be a toughie to work into the sentence as it stands. But little quibbles and amendments like that aside, I like what you're doing with this - it's a great platform from which you can clearly let your humour rip. Parts of it are almost like a stand-up routine in book form :-) Good show.

zenup wrote 1268 days ago

Great fun! I enjoyed the rambling intro but did wonder if starting with the bullet would work better, get the reader in a bit earlier.
I loved the wry voice & the anecdotal style struck me as fresh and engaging. I'm backing this one. You really need to edit for punctuation (eg to spice thing's up), missing words ('to work /out/ which one', spelling ('pupils weren't diluted !!!!) etc. Also, I wondered if today's references, eg Hugh Grant, Dr Evil etc. wouldn't date the book.
How did he knew Jenny had velvet blankets on her bed? He didn't seem to have got very far with her at all.
Also, I love footnotes - I go in for them +glossary in 'Weird Company'. If you've got a taste for non-standard fantasy, you might like to take a look.)

Crispy Sea wrote 1268 days ago

A stunningly relaxed voice, excellent easy read, watchlisted for when I've more time. Brilliant. Cheers. Crispy

Mia wrote 1268 days ago

Hi Damon

When Souls pass through the vail that seperates life and death, they can get trapped in that after instant. Afraid of letting go of life and are not able to believe it is better to move to the light instead of hanging onto the past. These Souls can ramble around for decades and centuries until one day somebody or some energy helps them see the way. They can even get stuck in one place and moment, hence ghosts that stay in the same place. Writing from a ghosts point of view is very interesting, the reality of how a ghost can perceive the physical world. As we can create the future reality, who knows if your tale is actually true?
The other day I had a dream, I was on a bus, the bus was coming to a very high brick wall, the bus drove through the wall, I felt the energy of the wall and the bricks as we drove through. Unfortunately I am unable to tell you what was on the other side as it was dark. As I woke up tried to see if my hand went through the wall, unfortunately us humans arent able to do that yet!

Mia

Jinxy_Jogglebox wrote 1268 days ago

Hi,

your pitch enticed me and have added you to the watchlist to read in my spare moments (which also happen to be while I am at work). A couple of initial comments on that though - confusing grammar! is this meant to be(!)? (i.e. quirkiness?) or is it a mistake? edward beat did not have a good life vs having. cares vs. cared (perhaps he still cares but then threatened should be threatens). his girlfriend - wanted to be (i.e. she wanted) or he wanted her to be?

love the last line. classic.

junxy

shaz.cooper wrote 1269 days ago

Damon, you have an amusing style that keeps me reading and better still, grinning while I do so.
Love the concept!
I've only had time to read the first two chapters so far but this is definately one for my bookshelf and watch list.
I will be back for more, Shaz

Katrina Twitchett wrote 1273 days ago

Hi

I like it. I like it lots. A few typos, but as I said I like it.

Kat
DFYLP

KR wrote 1275 days ago

Hi Damon
lots of moments that made me smile in this. I really like Eddie and his mad ramblings, we might just get a story out of him yet. I like Jenny a lot too, hope she's not going to let Mike sweet talk her into anything (I only got to the end of chapter 3).

Some comments for you to take or leave - I didn't like the footnotes. OK it's especially hard having to read on here and scroll down to the very bottom to see them, but I don't think I'd like them in print either. The 'voice' isn't different enough to Eddie's to be a believeable 'Editor' character, and the comments weren't as amusing as Eddie was on his own. Only other quibble is that it's taken until the end of chapter three for me to get to anything near a plot actually developing. What came before was amusing but not gripping - can you risk that?

Great pitch - it was the pizza reference that drew me in. One typo in it though - having for have.
K

Pierre Van Rooyen wrote 1278 days ago

Damon, you mad bastard!

I can't type, I'm laughing so much. Absolutely brilliant.

Jesus, you even get me with the title. Do you know that I have been looking for Dead Beat for nearly a week. I have Dead Beat written down. I have seen the book. I swear it. But it's not there. Then when I look at my watchlist, there it is again. But only for a few seconds. Then it's gone again. When I check the title, I see A User's Guide to Death. I check every single book on my watchlist. Not there. Dead Beat's gone. Then it's back.

I don't think you're going to get this published, boy. When the editors see it, they're going to send for a straight jacket and have you carted off. Dead Beat is on my bookshelf now. I didn't like A Users Guide to Death. OK, I'll admit, it's probably a more intriguing title.

Nice work. Absolutely perfect.

My punishment for you is to back your Cinderella first and leave you wondering whether I've forgotten about Stairway. I'm frightened to look at it in case you have some other gag to get me. See you later.

Kind regards. Pierre.

Pierre Van Rooyen wrote 1285 days ago

Dear Damon,

What can I say when I read your profile?. Craziest bastard on earth? I can't stop laughing at your satire. (Is it satire? I only went to farm school, so I have to look many things up in the dictionary.) And as for this apparition with a stripe of whitewash(?) across his face.

You weren't lying drunk on the road and the white-line machine ran over you, were you? Absolutely brilliant. If you have any children, you must frighten the hell out of them. Maybe that's the only way you get them to behave. I don't know what your wife thinks. You've probably shamed her from one year to the next. What do her friends think?

I'm nearly as bad as you. When my daughter asks after me, she doesn't refer to her father. She asks my wife, how's your crazy husband? But then, I did put the garden hose on her once, when she was inside the house. That was a lot of fun.

You suffer the same crap as I do. Evereyone backs your first work but not so much your second. I'm a rebel, so I'm posting my comment on poor little Cinderella and I'll watchlist and back both books. See if we can't do something about that stupid red arrow.

Just stick around a bit. I have about four thousand nine hundred and sixty two books on my watchlist and I don't read that good. I gotta point at the words as I read.

But I shall overcome! See you around in due course and thanks for the visit. Regards. Pierre.

David McCallam wrote 1286 days ago

Hi Damon,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my work, Bitter Sweet Adversities. The comments you left were so kind and I am truly grateful. I will take a look at your work later. Thanks again. David.

dcavalchini wrote 1291 days ago

Hi there,

Thanks Rob. Hopefully it will remain a good gimmicky as the idea for a sequel is even more gimmicky but just as much fun :)

Cheers,
Damon

Rob Thomas wrote 1292 days ago

I am really getting into this, loving first person narratives as I do. Love the premise, love the voice, love the humour. By the way, surely it's an automortography? Anyway, I didn't expect to be shelving it as I wrongly anticipated something gimmicky. Okay, it has got a gimmick but some gimmicks work and this does. Totally. So on the shelf it goes.

Nice job. Will read more soon.

dcavalchini wrote 1300 days ago

Hi there,

Thanks for the great comments CC.

BTW - I love your profile. It's scarily similar to my own life (although you no doubt carry it off with more panache).

Hopefully I can keep you entertained for a bit more :)

Cheers,
Damon

milliepod wrote 1300 days ago

Hi Damon,

Gosh - I'm really enjoying this! I've just read the first three chapters but I'll put you on my watchlist for another day. I loved the punchy facts about Edward in the first two chapters and the fact that things are now moving on in chapter three. The writing style really flows and I felt compelled to read this after seeing the blurb on your page (found that through the forums, usual story).

You're very eloquent and I can hear Edward's voice in my head, talking me through all the information. This is great, and I'm going to have a look at your much-more-plugged-book now!

Cheers,
CC

dcavalchini wrote 1305 days ago

Hi there,

Thanks for your commentsand thoughtful review. This is the 'less mature' of my two works on here which is why I haven't been plugging it as much.

I will certainly look at refining Edward's which I deliberately made more rambly to make it distinct from my own.

I'd be curious how this compares to Stairway to Heathen and whether the more mature work captures it better.

Not that expect you read both. Your thoughts here are fantastic.

Thanks,
Damon

dcavalchini wrote 1307 days ago

Hi all,

Comments, criticisms and thoughts are welcomed.

I reverted to my own name for while I'm on here. I actually wrote a fake biography for Edward which I would use if this ever goes near a publisher.

Cheers,
Damon

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