Finding My Feet (Part One)

After reading the synopsis and other people's enthusiastic comments, I was really excited to start reading this, however I found myself distracted by the tense . For instance...shouldn't it be huddling not huddled?
Best of luck,
Raquel.

Hi Alex ~ I put on To Sir with Love whilst reading this (as instructed) and you're right, it really does enhance the mood! Now, I'm not a big fan of chick-lit, often find it irritating, but you've done a great job here. Adrianna is a feisty yet very likeable MC, and though I initially thought third person might work better than first, I quickly realised that being inside her head - sharing her amusing stream-of-consciousness observations - was essential to the piece. It really works! You've done a fine job of editing too, my eye only stuck in one place (chap 1, last but one para, might read better as "That," she adds, "is how you you're REALLY (*itals) going to let Mr Aveles know you're ready!"), and I'll be back to read more.

Six stars from me. This is chick-litting good!

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

~Finding My Feet: Part One~

Cinderella meets Glee meets Gossip Girl. Great characters, great pace, great YA subject matter. As I was reading Mr Aveles' character, I couldn't help but picture Ms Schue from Glee!!

I've read the first 10 chapters, consumed like a delicious box of chocolates, and really look forward to reading the rest. Highly starred and watchlisted (until I find room on my bookshelf). Well done!!!

Iman xxx

Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

~Finding My Feet: Part One~

Cinderella meets Glee meets Gossip Girl. Great characters, great pace, great YA subject matter. As I was reading Mr Aveles' character, I couldn't help but picture Ms Schue from Glee!!

I've read the first 10 chapters, consumed like a delicious box of chocolates, and really look forward to reading the rest. Highly starred and watchlisted (until I find room on my bookshelf). Well done!!!

Iman xxx

Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

Returning a read :) I've gone through the first 14 chapters up to Adriana's audition and could easily have read more. Your style flows very easily and the pace kept me reading past the point I'd normally stop at. Adriana is also a compelling, likeable character.

I have a couple of minor criticisms to get out the way:

In the first chapter, you mention Tania showing an unusual glimpse of compassion. To me, the entire conversation seemed fueled by her desire not to see her friend get hurt, so it felt like a bit of a contradiction to say her compassion was unusual.

There's a reference to ER in chapter 14 - I'd be wary of very specific things like that, because they date easily. ER isn't even a very current show any more, I don't think?

Lastly, Adriana seems to be falling into the 'attractive female' trap - every male she meets is entranced with her. The potential romance with Chris is complicated enough, then there's this Jamie she meets at the audition - putting Miles in there as well with an ill-disguised crush feels like overkill. It's a popular criticism of authors like Stephenie Meyer - her MC is magically loved by every male character she meets. I think the whole situation with her teacher would be enough by itself - it's definitely the part I found most interesting and was reading on to find out how it ends up!

You've got a very interesting, readable story here. Apart from the things I mentioned, it all fits together very well, including the changes in POV. It really adds something, to see the events through the eyes of Chris as well as Adriana, since he's obviously conflicted about his feelings!

Good luck with this, I'm looking forward to reading more :)

KT

I wasn't sure what I was going to think about this because from your pitch it didn't seem like the type of book I would normally read, but then I found myself getting instantly hooked in. The writing is clear and nothing snagged me grammar or other wise. I liked your characters, the narrative and dialogue seemed realistic. I was quite impressed.

6 stars.

Best,

Rena (Bunderful)

I read four chapters and found this to be a well flowing story. Told in the first person the story stays in Adrianna's head so her voice shines through, we meet the other characters only through her eyes and perceptions. The step family are horrid whilst her own family seem somewhat kooky. There is slow build up to the promised relationship with the teacher and from the very beginning her fascination with him is apparent and strong. Adrianna's vulnerability is clear from the outset and it is easy to see that she could be pulled into a destructive relationship.

The only minor point I noted is that in chapter four Adrianna's insides collpase followed by Matron visibly collapsing.

An enjoyable beginning.

Chapter three flows nicely. It's definately something the YA audience can relate to. Your characters are developing nicely and I think you have a really good way with descriptions. Good luck with this! Highly rated :)

I finally got around to reading a bit of your story, and I must say that I enjoyed it far more than I thought I would. The genre is not really what I would normally read, but you're writing is wonderfully smooth with just the right touch of description. You're dialogue was very believable as well, it felt like it belonged to the characters that were speaking... it wasn't generic dialogue that had me rolling my eyes. All in all you did a good job writing this. I like it.

Brad

It was easy to sink right into this book. Very real, very unique. Adrianna has a great voice, snappy and bold. Present tense is hard to do, but you've pulled it off. The YA audience will love Adrianna- she is likable and easy to sympathize with. The nasty stepmother, dreams of fame, hard-core crush: these are all elements teens can relate to. Good luck with this. It has great potential.

I also like the second chapter. :) Still awesome charachterization and details that draw you right in. A few things I found you may wanna look at/change:
1.Right that's it.
comma after 'Right'
2. "For the past eight years Dad,"
Comma after years because you're speaking to someone.
3. The words 'apologise' and 'customise'. It may be different in Europe, not sure, but we spell it, 'apologize' and 'customize'.
That's it. I hope its helpful. I'm really enjoying your story and I hope to read more soon. I'm going to catch up on some other stories first though.
All the best,
Trista

It's been a while since I read a story in first person. I like the first chapter. The charachters are likeable and easy to relate to. I think it's a perfect start to a story for your target audience. Mr should have a period after it. And I think realise is spelled with a z, but I should really check into that and see if it can be spelled both ways. Other than that, your story is beginning beautifully and I can't wait to read the rest of it.

Best of luck,
Trista

Just breezed through the first 6 chapters. Very easy read! It kept me going which means it's a great page turner. I love that it jumps to the Teacher's perspective in 3rd person and that Adriana is present tense 1st person. A nice change from the norm.

I only stopped reading for a moment to comment and say that the first bit of dialogue between Christian and Jacob sounded more British than American. I can only assume that Adriana and her family are the only Brits in the story, seeing as it takes place in San Fransisco.

I am an American who has lived in London and married an Englishman, so I picked up on it. I've never heard an American answer the phone saying "Alright?" It's usually a simple "Hello?" "Hey" or "What's up?" Even a "'sup?" now and then. ;) and Christian's response "However did you guess?" doesn't sound very American man in his 30s to me. Just a thought, no biggie.

*updated**
I've read through chapter 16 and really the only critiques I have are in regards to English/English vs American/English words and spelling (colour/color, etc). I understand this is your style, and I am by no means saying to change it, these are only my thoughts as an American reader.

Tania says in Chapter 9 that she'd want "two blokes to fancy" her. We'd say she'd want "two guys to like" her. Other little things like flat (apartment), jelly (jello) are very minor things. Christian in chapter 15 thinking that Carrie is a "right madam" is not something we'd say either. Also, if Adriana has been in the states for 9 years, ie: most of her life, she would have adapted to most or at least a great deal of American things like cents instead of pence, etc.

As an actor, granted I've never worked in San Fran, I've never seen anyone with a name tag at an audition. Usually there is a sign-in sheet for the actors and most auditions go by sign-in time or appointment time.

**Updated (again)**

Great story, Alexzandra! It really kept me reading and, like I said before, the things that stood out to me are so minor and none of them involve the actual story. It's all editing type things (a few missing quotation marks here and there as well as using "don't" instead of "doesn't" a few times, ie: family don't matter, it sounds wrong when it's one single family being discussed) and some little timeline adjustments - just some things to think about.

I didn't write down all the chapters this time, but when Tania's brother is introduced, he's described as "jobless" but two paragraphs later it says he works at a hotel bar.

The timeline jumps:
How long have the Wilks' lived in San Fran? Adriana says 9 years, and then her dad says 7, then later on she says she's been battling Julia for 6 years when we were told her dad had been with her for 8.

Related to that - How old are Julia's kids? Lucille was 5 and Cairo...? If Adriana's dad isn't their father, then Julia couldn't have been with him for 6-8 years, unless she cheated on him which would make for an even more complex storyline! ;)

In chapter 35 - it starts by saying two weeks later (after she came home crying about her dad to Chris) and then she says it was 9 hours earlier, followed by saying they'd only been together 3 days. Then Carrie says it was two weeks again during the blow out with their Mum.

Lastly, Chris is or isn't currently Adriana's teacher? I was confused on that when he was mostly referred to as her teacher, and only once they mentioned she didn't take his class this school year. (another American thing, grading vs marking papers.)

Really well done! I can't wait to read Part 2!

I love that we're in Adriana's head from the get-go. You've done an excellent job shaping her character early on in this novel.

I like the initial conflict. It's very realistic for the target audience. She's been crushing hard on the same guy for three years, and he hasn't noticed. Sounds like a familiar conflict from high school. A lot of readers will be able to relate to this. Then when you take that relatable concept and flip it on its head. Wow! The hook is outstanding. Talk about grabbing your readers attention. One of the best hooks I've read on authonomy.

You have a natural ability to write. Your sentences flow well together, and your word choice is top-notch. You give the right amount of details to create your setting without going overboard; you've painted a good picture of what is occurring. Stylistically, I wouldn't change much. Good work!

Finally, I like how you've shown the relationship with her friend in the opening chapter, and the relationship with her family in the second. You've done a good job developing your characters through these interaction.

Minor suggestions: Mostly, this just needs a minor polish. There are some unnecessary words, especially adverbs, that interfere with your outstanding prose. In most cases, your writing is better without them. This goes with other words that don't add value to your sentences. Sometimes less is more. Simple is stronger. Another idea, at the beginning of the second chapter, I would avoid the reflection description. I've read numerous places that agents/publishers are tired of seeing this because it has become a cliché. The only other real suggestion is more of an opinion. I'd like a little more narrative sprinkled in with the dialogue in the opening chapter. That just might be my preference though.

This is a polished, well-written beginning that shows a ton of promise for a great novel. Good work!

Hi Alex,

As promised, I'm here to have a peek at your book. Sorry it took a while, but I've a lot of commitments to fulfill around here after racing for the desk. :(

I tend to comment as I read, since I find that the easiest way to keep track of things. I'll also nitpick if I spot anything I think I can help with. Feel free to ignore me if you wish, though. After all, I could be completely wrong. :)

Chapter 1:

Good start, dropping us straight into the action. I want to know what's going on, so I have to read on. ;)

I've a couple of small suggestions here, though. I think sometimes you overdescribe v slightly. eg in "...Tania kicks me hard..." "kicks" implies a hard action, so I'd delete "hard." In many instances, I think finding the right verb is the most important area of writing. With the right verb, no qualifiers are needed. In this case, you've already done the job perfectly with "kicks..." ;)

My other suggestion here would be to do with describing the familiar. In general, I'd advise against it. We don't notice the familiar. We notice the unusual & the out of place. eg when you describe "I take a fond note of her freckles..." I don't think your character would naturally do such a thing if she's used to seeing her friend. Instead, I'd try and slip in description by mentioning what's different/changed. eg you could try something like "Her face went so red that her freckles almost disappeared..."

Reading on... You've a nice reading style that's easy and readable. I think it fits your genre v well. I like the dialogue in this chapter too. I think it's filled with character. By the end of the chapter, it looks like Adriana's considering changing her life.

Chapter 2:

Looks like she really is out of sorts. I hope she'll be OK. :(

I've another tiny suggestion here. I'd avoid adverbs most of the time because a stronger verb often works better than a weaker verb-adverb pair and does the job in fewer words. eg in " the door abruptly opens..." I think something like " the door jerks/slams/snaps open.." would fit the action better.

Reading on... Well, Julia's a bitch, isn't she? You do a great job of making her come across as a deeply unpleasant character. I'm definitely on Adriana's side now. I hope Julia gets piles. ;)

I loved the dialogue from Lucille. It was perfect for her age and wonderfully malicious. She’s a real chip off the rotten old block, isn’t she? ;)

The next scene's harrowing. I really feel sorry for Ade. She's stuck in the middle, in an impossible position. I hope this situation won't destroy her relationship with her dad completely. It looks like things are already getting hard. :(

Chapter 3:

More reasons here for Ade to be miserable. Looks like her family's really been torn apart. Sounds like her baby sister's a bit of a ticking timebomb too. I get the feeling she's gonna get herself in way too deep into trouble at some point and Ade will have to bail her out. :(

Sounds like the mother's as distant as the father, in her own way. She's obviously all tied up with work. I can see why Ade seems to feel so alienated. There's nobody in her life to really anchor her.

Ah now we learn what Ade really craves. Fame. I didn't expect that. I thought it would be a boy or a general life change. And she's in an agency. Looks like she's actually working towards her dream. by the end of the chapter, I find myself wondering what her future will hold. Will she get the fame she craves? Or will she mature and realise how hollow a goal that is?

OK I need to stop reading now as I’m out of time + this comment’s getting far too long. :(

I enjoyed what I read. I think you have a good writing style that’s perfect for your genre, and you really get inside your characters’ heads. I can see your audience wanting to read of Ade’s adventures.

You’re already on my shelf. I’m giving you plenty of stars too. I wish you the best of luck getting published. :)

Pete x

Tania sounds like fun-loving, faithful friend who is ready to guide Adriana out of the mess she's found herself in. I've only read the first chapter and the language is sunny and bright. For me, this is a Chick Lit that stands out!

Tania sounds like fun-loving, faithful friend who is ready to guide Adriana out of the mess she's found herself in. I've only read the first chapter and the language is sunny and bright. For me, this is a Chick Lit that stands out!

I am new to the site and this is the first book I've looked at! I'm trying to read as much as possible here, so will definately come back to read more. The first chapter is engaging and had me hooked- loved your descriptions, they are perfect. Not too flowery, it's very understated and I had a clear picture the coffee shop in my head, I felt as though I could smell the coffee and the buttery flapjack! The storyline is perfect for your TA, and appeals to the gossipy nature of young girls- what is more controversial and scandalous than a pupil dating their teacher? I look forward to reading more :)

Elise x

If this was on the shelves, I'd buy it if I could. You have realistic dialouge, characterization, everything. This story makes good YA.

A teenage me would have definitely been hooked after the first chapter. Exactly the kind of thing I would have related to (and still do) - unattainable love, but that we desperately want (as readers, and as teenagers) to believe can just be attained by us, that we are the exception. The opening is great because it sets out the premise without being forced, and shows us the characters. I like the first paragraph a lot - great piece of scene setting. Then in chapter 2 the teenage me would have been mightily relieved to find that Adriana did not have the perfect family either. Plenty to relate to for a teenage girl in the modern world, and plenty to wonder about and make you want to keep reading. Very readable, pleasant style, gives great detail without going overboard on description.
(The adult me enjoys this too, but I like to put myself in the shoes of the target audience.)
Starred accordingly!

I'm not a huge fan of Chick-lit, but I'm surprisingly engrossed in this story. You write vividly with great detail and the story itself is compelling. It's interesting that you chose first person present tense. That's not an easy thing to do, nor is it common but first person is definitely a favorite of mine and I think you pull it off quite well. I will add you to my shelf with great pride!

Brittany Engstrand
Melaney and The Mirror/ My Last Notes

I have gotten around to reading your book as promised, although a couple of days late. I'm so pleased I've managed to read it. This ought to be published already. Your tone and protagonist are perfect for the genre in my opinion. I think I could learn something from you actually. Great start and I'm going to read beyond the first few chapters so I will return...and quickly too, I'm really enjoying it.

I'd be very grateful for your comments on my YA book Beneath The Bossom Tree when you get a chance.

Best wishes,

Laura

I like the way you've built up tension from the beginning. The characters are good too, especially the bitchy stepmother with her matching children:) Nicely done and perfect for your YA market. Plenty of angst and things to rebel against.

Good luck :)
Berni x
Renegades

Read the first two chapters and was very impressed, it seems well edited already. The emotions with her nasty step faily are well portryaed and there are lots of simmering storylines already.
Will certainly find some shelf space for this!
Jo

I enjoyed the read, brings back fond memories of being young again. Have WL it and rated will get back for further reading
Red

What a good read, I was really impressed. I can't wait to get time to look at the next one. I like the way you change you voice and Pov. Very unique and lets us know what you can do. I like your voice and your outlook. I'm confident your going to do really well. Dawn

Wow! I am quite impressed. You have such a bright future ahead of you! I love the attention to detail and I love the family drama so early on. I am only a few chapters in and I am sooo curious to see what happens to Tania. I definitely plan on reading on.

Good job thus far though! :)

-Sara

Hi Alexzandra
This is good, I like it a lot, you have a great writing style and your humour/dry sarcasm comes across really well.

I've only read up to CH3 so far so will pop back and read more, but just a couple of things I picked up.

CH1 - 'No, I really don't think so' (when she's talking to Tania), you say, 'I concur'. Concur, I think, means agree, so you might want to look at that.

CH3 -'my baby sister...chasses', do you mean sashays?

Otherwise everything else looked really good, I'll back in a few days when a space comes up on my shelf :-)

By the way, new chapters of The Secret Diary are up :-)

Silva

This is extremely well written and I enjoyed it very much. Wishing you lots of success because you deserve it and very happy to back. Best wishes, Emily (Traps and Topaz)

I was only going to read one chapter, but I really liked the first one, so I read on. In the first chapter, I thought that Tania was a bully; I didn’t understand they were friends until they were sitting together with their mocha’s. The second chapter really made me like the MC. I felt bad for her having to deal with her retched step-mom and plump little sister. I liked the few references to dust mites getting squished, very comical. At the end of the chapter, it made me very sad that her dad had no idea that she’d been in drama the past eight years, inexcusable. I do have a few suggestions though, but I’m going to put them in a message instead.

Anyway, overall I really like your book and I’m putting it on my shelf. I hope you can find the time to read mine and give me feedback. Hopefully you like it and can find a place for me on your book shelf as well. Thanks so much!

Jennifer Beth
Toxic Blood

Thank you so much for your feedback, and your lovely words. It's very nice at my age to get a bit of a boost to spur me on to university so I really, truly appreciate it. I agree with you - it'll certainly be frowned upon a little, but i'm hoping the story is engaging. I hope you enjoy Part Two!

Thank you,

Alex

Hi,
I read all your uploaded chapters. You have a very nice way with words, and this read like a published novel.
I have been hunting for a couple of days to find another read on here that kept my interest from start to finish.
I'm usually a sucker for a good romance, but this story is so much more than that. The love interest is so much more interesting being one of forbidden love, and all the family complications that tie in with the story, taking the reader along on a very interesting ride.
A couple of times I found myself questioning the appropriateness of the relationships, both with Carrie and Ri and wondered about your target audience and how this story might go down with readers.
I remember being absolutely besotted by one of my teachers in High School, but this is so much more than a crush, and I do know of some real life situations where students have married their teachers, so it definitely does happen, just a little more under the radar these days.
I will look at your second novel in the coming days and look forward to how the story continues, with the movie career and the developing family relationships, I really hope the dad comes back into the story and something is resolved there, it seemed to end on a sad note with all his relationships.
Well done,
Most definitely high stars, and this will go on my bookshelf in the coming weeks,
Cheers Jacoba

Nice touches with the dialogue. Best of luck!

Thank you so much, that means a lot!

What a great book! The way you change between dialogue and descriptive text is brilliant. This really helps to bring your text alive, I really felt like I was there in the mist of conversation! You capture the emotion of the characters brilliantly especially towards the end of chapter two, when there is a heated exchange with the father.
Well written.
Star rated
Ruth x

Thank you Susie! I really appreciate your feedback, you have made my week.

Dear Alexzandra, I am excited that you have "Finding My Feet (Part One)" & "Finding My Feet (Part Two)" & can hardly wait to read them. :) 16 year old Adrianna dating her teacher... "why is her dream relationship becoming more of a hindrance than a heaven-made match?... Maybe she was wrong, maybe things won't ever be normal... can she truly deal with the booming career she so wanted?... Who is the father of her sister's baby?" as you pitch portrays. :) As I read through your story with its intriguing love matches & single Mom, I was caught from the beginning because when I got out of high school, I lived in San Francisco till I was 22. :) Adrianna's idea that she told her friend Tania, as they drank mochas (which I love) of making her teacher like her, worked :) - this is more than a crush, this is all I know." I don't know if I'd like my picture to be on a billboard, though. :) I love the coming together at the end of ch. 42 & can hardly wait to go to "Part Two." :) Love, Susie :)

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it :) - let me know. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have gold ******-rated your book because of your challenge to, "be careful what you wish for." Read & commented on 8 days later, your 1st book "Finding My Feet (Part One)."