Hero Scope

This is without doubt the funniest book I've read about a crabby Cancerian with Santa issues! I read the prologue and first 2 chapters and thought they were a delight. The characters seem authentic, especially Leanne, who is charming. Perhaps she can turn Karl? Love the Babushka doll line and Jim the Yank. The concept of living a life by horoscope is a clever idea and promises lots of laughs. A good edit would be useful to smooth out a few typo's. Generously starred and on my WL for further reading. Good luck with this.

Wonderfully hilarious! This is super writing, with a vivid imagination. Backed with pleasure, Jedward (Painting on Air)

Brilliant is the word used to describe this type of writing. You are well informed on your subject, and make your readers sit still - every writers dream. I'm utterly impressed with your work, and I hope to be like you in the future. There wasn't any dialogue in the first chapter, but still I want to read it over and over again. Lovely work.

There were a few minor errors I feel you've already noticed. For example, "[I]'ve a [B]ony face." should be "I have a bony face."

Overall, your comedic lines, writing styles and word flow made this book a must to remember. I'm definitely backing it as soon as possible.

Kelvin O'Ralph
ICIRE: The Rebirth

Hey Rosemarie, I read all seven chapters...you must post more! It's all your fault that...I couldn't pull myself away from this once I get into it...(no nit picks...when you re-read it you'll see the few typos..not many.)
I loved the way your created tension with teasing me with the idea of Karl and Luanne getting together...but then what will happen now that Mr Tall and Dark is on the scene...who sent the flowers? The spin the bottle scene was brilliant! Your writing never gets in the way of the story, which says a lot about the prose!!!

Cheers,

Dwayne

Rosemarie, I love this! It's made me chuckle a few times so far (up to chapter 3 and this is not good when I'm supposed to be working but am in fact reading this instead). Absolutely fantastic, I love the idea of living by horoscopes and your humour comes across really well. There were a couple of errors but nothing too dramatic that coudn't be rectified by having a read through.

I have already backed, well deserves a place on my shelf :)

Natalie x

Hi Rosemarie,

I juse finished reading chapter one. I will give my comments chapter by chapter if you don't mind because I read "little and often" :)

First of all, I LOVE this character. She's hilarious! I love her quirky logic. I can't wait to get to know her better as I read on.

The concept for your story is very witty and clever. It epitomises how we woman try to solve problems in irrational ways and manage to make it sound convincing which I personally think is one of the most endearing qualities a woman can have. It shows a high level of creativity in females.

Well done Rosemarie. You will be the next Marian Keyes/Sophie Kinsella.

More comments will follow.

Irene xxx

This is without doubt the funniest book I've read about a crabby Cancerian with Santa issues! I read the prologue and first 2 chapters and thought they were a delight. The characters seem authentic, especially Leanne, who is charming. Perhaps she can turn Karl? Love the Babushka doll line and Jim the Yank. The concept of living a life by horoscope is a clever idea and promises lots of laughs. A good edit would be useful to smooth out a few typo's. Generously starred and on my WL for further reading. Good luck with this.

Rosemarie,

This is a confident, clever piece of writing. The opening (with the extra ribs thrown in) interests and entertains and you then manage to keep that quality going throughout.
The first person point of view lends itself to intimacy but here you strike a tone that’s both engaging and likeable – we feel not only are we in the good hands of the writer but in the good company of the narrator.
Both in terms of style and content I’d say you’ve pitched this just about perfectly for the chick lit market.
Happy to back this.
Gefordson
Nothing you can do

Hey Rosemarie, I loved Hero Scope. Great snappy pace, plenty of realistic dialogue with characters that jumped off the page. Your chapters were short, which, personally, I find brilliant to review. Long chapters tire me out and more often then not I end up losing track of the plot, so well done here - less was definitely more. Can't find anything to nit pick at all so just leaves me to say - congratulations! A definite winner.
Kat x (Hens from Hell)

Rosemarie - the promised read. I've no literary training nor have ever published. I'm probably not a normal chick lit reader either so feel free to deal with these comments as you wish.

Chapter 1/prologue and this is far more comedy than chick lit. My comments are made at the end of each chapter and I've mixed feelings about this. I'll immidiately forget typos and grammar, nothing of that nature. The humour is certainly there and I had more than a couple fo smiles - in my view it's the toughest genre to write but you've managed that. But if anything I feel you've overdone the prologue.

You've told us she's an extra rib, .scared of heights, scared of anyone dress up (in great detail there), follows horoscopes, is a cancer in a bad marriage to a gemini, has a friend whose a gemini, bushy eyebros, bony face - I just felt your trying to impress the reader too much with that opening. I'm not trying to be negative here and just feel it's a case of less is more. Much of this is hunmourous and perhaps can be fed into the story ;later; I do hope that makes sense and ignore if you disagree.

Ok you asked for Chapter's 8 and 9.

Chapter 8 is your Chapter 7.

Ok this is a more genlte read and I'm enjoying it. I've not read the opening but after a slight pause really get into this. I now see why you've gone for chick lit/comedy and could in fact be a possible member of the target auidience. The mispornounciation of her name wasn't a biog deal but when he repeated that and she admitted she couldn't even remember his I really chucked. One wondeers how many adults have woken/met someone later and had the same experience. The mis of romance witrh congealed bllod and ribber condoms for extra pleasure is also good. Throughout this Chapter you tale us, almost into passion, and then into a relaity am sure many remember. And the end of that Chapter is done with finesses - when describing sex less is more, except perhaps for her hero. If this is your Chapter 8 of conern no need.

Chapter 9/8? - continues very much ion the same style. The humour is very much tongue in cheek, always with an element of reality and perhaps something many of us have experienced; the best humour. The dialogue and the step back to her thoughts works well and each scene fits. My only concern now, and you've read the wtory is just that; what is the story line.

Overall a read I really enjoyed. The continual bounce between dialogue and her thoughts works well and the humour is certainly there - as i said earlier comedy is a tough genre to write. I'll make one suggestion for improvement and that's perhaps you've overdone that part and could perhaps just add a little more depth to the story itself. This is just my thought - watch a top class comedian on TV - they keep us chuckling, bring in laughs but always change pace and always allow us to step back from the humour. I trust that makes sense. But a good book. Backed. Steve.

Well, Rosemary, you've certainly proved that the Irish have the world's best sense of humor! How did you hit on the idea of weaving a story around horoscopes, and placing us in the mind of hilarious Leanne Sweeney, and keeping it all going with a sparkling array of characters and encounters? At first I thought "Hero Scope" was a woman's book, but now I see it's a writer's book, with delicious insights into a captivating woman's mind. It will soon be time to make room on my shelf for this one. Meanwhile, I hope you'll take a look at "The Doctor of Summitville" while I go on reading all ten of the chapters you've shown. --Wishing you every success, Bill

Best part = posing in different positions waiting for Norman. That was great and i know for fact that women do that; realistic = funny. Great stuff! can't wait to read more!! backed!

Hey Rosemarie - I read chapters 7, 8 & 9 as you were looking for feedback through the forum. The scene in question is well-written with appropriate language and not vulgar or off-putting. You do need to add a few paragraph breaks, otherwise it's a big block of text that I would rather just skip over. Aside from some editing, the story reads well, although since I didn't read from the beginning, I can't really comment on your characters and their development. I did find some of the dialogue to be a bit awkward, but that could just be me (I'm Canadian, so sometimes dialogue doesn't come through quite so naturally because of word usage etc. etc.).

All in all - I'm wishing you the best of luck with this. When complete it's sure to be a fun read.

Jenny

Rosemarie,
I read to the end of ch5. As a fellow Cancerian I found this very entertaining, with some very funny moments. I like the refreshing way in which you tell a tale, light hearted and conversationally. Great idea too, imagine the mayhem if we all took to the tea leaves...Loved the bit about trying to find a plus and negative gemini reading, so both the friend and the ex could get what they deserved. This was great fun and I've starred accordingly. I wish you well with it.
Babs

Hey Rosemarie, I read all seven chapters...you must post more! It's all your fault that...I couldn't pull myself away from this once I get into it...(no nit picks...when you re-read it you'll see the few typos..not many.)
I loved the way your created tension with teasing me with the idea of Karl and Luanne getting together...but then what will happen now that Mr Tall and Dark is on the scene...who sent the flowers? The spin the bottle scene was brilliant! Your writing never gets in the way of the story, which says a lot about the prose!!!

Cheers,

Dwayne

Thank you so much for such a lovely comment! After stupidly wiping myself off everyones book shelves an WLs earlier your comment gave me a real boost!

Hey Rosemarie, I read all seven chapters...you must post more! It's all your fault that...I couldn't pull myself away from this once I get into it...(no nit picks...when you re-read it you'll see the few typos..not many.)
I loved the way your created tension with teasing me with the idea of Karl and Luanne getting together...but then what will happen now that Mr Tall and Dark is on the scene...who sent the flowers? The spin the bottle scene was brilliant! Your writing never gets in the way of the story, which says a lot about the prose!!!

Cheers,

Dwayne

JUST ADDED NEW CHAPTER AND I HAVE BEEN WIPED OFF BOOKSHELVES AND WL'S. AAARRRRGH.

CURRENTLY ON 443 RANK AND WAS MAKING GOOD PROGRESS BUT THIS WILL PROBABLY WRECK MY RANK! AH WELL, ENJOY THE BOOK! xx Rosemarie

Rosemarie,
"Hero Scope" is a funny, quirky book for someone in need of light entertainment. The comedic phrasing and the way you have numbers in numeric form rather than spelled out all add to the outlandiush flavour of your work. Thank you for this variation from my usual regimen. I'm looking forward to more chapters.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

I am hung up on wondering if the man on the train stole her bag, and she then gave all her personal info to his accomplice on the phone. Please tell me, I am a Cancerian - paranoid, distrustful of strangers on train. Or something!?
Jo

No he didn't rob it, BUT.... you'll have to wait until I am finished the rewrite!
And did you know murders commited by Cancerians are usually crimes of passion? (That's a piece of info that is defiantely going in thanks to Victoria Pendar below!)

I am hung up on wondering if the man on the train stole her bag, and she then gave all her personal info to his accomplice on the phone. Please tell me, I am a Cancerian - paranoid, distrustful of strangers on train. Or something!?
Jo

Hi Old Bob - first of all thanks for calling me Young Lady and for making me your IT for the day. As it is St Paddy's Day you've helped to make an Irish girl's day! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment even though it is not your genre! I will of course look at your work. You are on my WL and will do asap. Rosemarie

Hi Rosemarie. I'm Old Bob and, Up front, these genres are out of the ordinary for me. Further, I'm not a trained writer so you might want to discount anything I say, anyway. I've been trying to read new things lately and, I guess, you're it today.

I don't know how story/character development goes in chic lit/romance so I won't comment on that. But, young lady, you do have to brush up on punctuation. I like the first person delivery of your narrative, I write in the first person myself. Your narrative is very conversational, which makes it easy to consume. It's light and a fast read which compensates for the passive voice you tend to fall into from time to time. It's fun and I find it a welcome change from some of the stuff I've been reading lately.

I don't know if I would make a steady diet of this type of fiction, but for now it's just what I need. There's nothing I see that can't be fixed with a little good editing. Very well done.

I don't believe in swapping reads, but I'd like to make you aware of my book, A PLACE IN LIFE. I'd appreciate it if you would take a look at a chapter or two and let me know what you think. If you don't care for it after a page or two, please don't feel obligated to go on or to comment :-)

Best of luck with your book.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

LOL this is a great idea, even if she's a crazy cancer. Astrologically incorrect: Geminis are never fat. Out of all the air signs (Gemini, Libra and Aquarius), Gemini is most likely to be fat.

Strange fact about cancers: The number one side for murderers. Not dictators (that's Taurus or Leos.) Cancers murders are crimes of passions.

LOL I'm laughing that I know this. And I know a man who will only date a woman if his astrologer gives him the ok. He's almost 50, never married. I don't remember his sign. But I like knowing things about people... I'm putting this book on my watchlist and very soon on my bookshelf. I can't wait to read it all!!!

HA Ha HAAA! I think we're going to have an authonomy row - Gemini men are skinny!! My brother is Gemini and his nick name has always been bones so need I say more!! - If you look down the comments you will see a comment from a lady called Joanna and she says Gemini men are skinny too! I love the new bits of info you have given me - maybe she's going to turn into a serial killer of all the men in her life by the end of the novel and run off with the prison guard while serving time for her crimes of passion? The prison guard will have to be a Leo...obviously.Or maybe that is book two... Thanks for making me laugh so much and Happy St Paddy's Day! (I'll add you to my WL and will read asap).

After reading the first chapter, I must admit I want to read more, once I have some time. Great premise, very funny, just needs some editing (case in point: you keep switching between Gemini and gemini, among other things - a run through a word processor will fix this right up within minutes, so it's easy to fix basically). Just watch the grammar and you're on the right track! You've got a really good start here. Going to back this for a few days because I'm sure the next few chapters are just as good plotwise. Very funny stuff you've got here.

If you have some time and like the pitch, would you mind reading a few pages of my book Light? I could really use some comments and critiques! Good luck!

Many thanks for taking the time to read and comment! I'm glad you liked the comedy! I'm Irish (Happy St Patricks Day!) and am writing in the first person so that might be why some of the grammar or wording may seem odd but I will do a recheck. I've added your book to my WL and will have a look as soon as I get a chance as I like to give each my full attention. Thanks for backing it is really, really appreciated! x

After reading the first chapter, I must admit I want to read more, once I have some time. Great premise, very funny, just needs some editing (case in point: you keep switching between Gemini and gemini, among other things - a run through a word processor will fix this right up within minutes, so it's easy to fix basically). Just watch the grammar and you're on the right track! You've got a really good start here. Going to back this for a few days because I'm sure the next few chapters are just as good plotwise. Very funny stuff you've got here.

If you have some time and like the pitch, would you mind reading a few pages of my book Light? I could really use some comments and critiques! Good luck!

LOL this is a great idea, even if she's a crazy cancer. Astrologically incorrect: Geminis are never fat. Out of all the air signs (Gemini, Libra and Aquarius), Gemini is most likely to be fat.

Strange fact about cancers: The number one side for murderers. Not dictators (that's Taurus or Leos.) Cancers murders are crimes of passions.

LOL I'm laughing that I know this. And I know a man who will only date a woman if his astrologer gives him the ok. He's almost 50, never married. I don't remember his sign. But I like knowing things about people... I'm putting this book on my watchlist and very soon on my bookshelf. I can't wait to read it all!!!

Hi Rosemarie. I'm Old Bob and, Up front, these genres are out of the ordinary for me. Further, I'm not a trained writer so you might want to discount anything I say, anyway. I've been trying to read new things lately and, I guess, you're it today.

I don't know how story/character development goes in chic lit/romance so I won't comment on that. But, young lady, you do have to brush up on punctuation. I like the first person delivery of your narrative, I write in the first person myself. Your narrative is very conversational, which makes it easy to consume. It's light and a fast read which compensates for the passive voice you tend to fall into from time to time. It's fun and I find it a welcome change from some of the stuff I've been reading lately.

I don't know if I would make a steady diet of this type of fiction, but for now it's just what I need. There's nothing I see that can't be fixed with a little good editing. Very well done.

I don't believe in swapping reads, but I'd like to make you aware of my book, A PLACE IN LIFE. I'd appreciate it if you would take a look at a chapter or two and let me know what you think. If you don't care for it after a page or two, please don't feel obligated to go on or to comment :-)

Best of luck with your book.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Rosemarie, I love this! It's made me chuckle a few times so far (up to chapter 3 and this is not good when I'm supposed to be working but am in fact reading this instead). Absolutely fantastic, I love the idea of living by horoscopes and your humour comes across really well. There were a couple of errors but nothing too dramatic that coudn't be rectified by having a read through.

I have already backed, well deserves a place on my shelf :)

Natalie x

there's lots of great stuff here, great tone, so to save time im just gonna give criticsms: first not really a crit but basically the pitch reminded me of 'dice man' have you read that? - not that thats a problem, maybe that could even become part of ur pitch ie 'goes where the dice man feared to tread' or something more punchy? Next crit wud b that a rollercoaster doesnt seem a big enough event for me to change my whole approach - maybe a parachute jump? - maybe something to think about if lots of other ppl say that, everyones views different i guess. finally Pamela Anderson is like 50 years old now or something?! I'd go with a more current 'ample' reference ??? - this is a really great start (only read C1 so far - will get to the rest), lighthearted and catchy, perfect chicklit writing, which judging by the other books selected by Harper Collins could be precisely what they're after! hope those points i mentioned give you food for thought if nothing else! its currently backed and will get a good stint on our shelf. good luck! Stu x

Thanks guys! Only 965 behind you now! Beat you there!

I love the easy relaxed writing style of this - very readable and comfortable. Feels like a friend is talking to me. I did wonder where the narrator was during the first chapter - I was slightly distracted by the disembodied voice. A couple of minor points in chapter one - if this is for a UK market there is some American English (bring us to Disneyland, rather than take us). If Gemini has a capital G shouldn't cancer have a capital C? And finally, there is a dominance of Geminis - the best friend, the ex, the sweaty men in the sauna. This may be deliberate. I definitely intend to read more. Loved it - the concept, the writing and the humour. Kerry M

Hi Kerry, thank you so much for the helpful comments and for the backing. It's funny you pointed out the 'bring' rather than 'take', I'm from Ireland so being between US and UK I sway between the two but have never noticed it before!

Great character...I learned so much from her inner dialogue. Not sure, I would want to hang with her though...no roller coasters, no circus (clowns), Christ! No Disney? You're very funny Rosemarie! Liked this a lot!

Cheers,
Dwayne

Thanks Dwayne I'm glad you liked Heroscope and enjoyed my humour! x

Great character...I learned so much from her inner dialogue. Not sure, I would want to hang with her though...no roller coasters, no circus (clowns), Christ! No Disney? You're very funny Rosemarie! Liked this a lot!

Cheers,
Dwayne

I love the easy relaxed writing style of this - very readable and comfortable. Feels like a friend is talking to me. I did wonder where the narrator was during the first chapter - I was slightly distracted by the disembodied voice. A couple of minor points in chapter one - if this is for a UK market there is some American English (bring us to Disneyland, rather than take us). If Gemini has a capital G shouldn't cancer have a capital C? And finally, there is a dominance of Geminis - the best friend, the ex, the sweaty men in the sauna. This may be deliberate. I definitely intend to read more. Loved it - the concept, the writing and the humour. Kerry M

there's lots of great stuff here, great tone, so to save time im just gonna give criticsms: first not really a crit but basically the pitch reminded me of 'dice man' have you read that? - not that thats a problem, maybe that could even become part of ur pitch ie 'goes where the dice man feared to tread' or something more punchy? Next crit wud b that a rollercoaster doesnt seem a big enough event for me to change my whole approach - maybe a parachute jump? - maybe something to think about if lots of other ppl say that, everyones views different i guess. finally Pamela Anderson is like 50 years old now or something?! I'd go with a more current 'ample' reference ??? - this is a really great start (only read C1 so far - will get to the rest), lighthearted and catchy, perfect chicklit writing, which judging by the other books selected by Harper Collins could be precisely what they're after! hope those points i mentioned give you food for thought if nothing else! its currently backed and will get a good stint on our shelf. good luck! Stu x

What great fun! Loved it! There must be something in the air because one of my old MA friends is also writing about someone who follows horoscopes (you need to get yours sold).
Backed.
Kim
St Viper's

Dear Rosemarie,

This is a very friendly book to read. As I get older I fear it is harder to find fresh books, so I usually stick with the standards of our tradition. As I never make judgments as to whether books will last, since it takes a couple of generations after the author's death for that to be made, but I still can predict that the friendly books have a better chance. Thanks for sharing your book.

Billy McBride

Loving it Rosemarie. I already heart Karl. Will pop it on the shelf as soon as I can. Read all 5 chapters.
Great chick lit - Leanne is a good character, real and ordinairy (I mean that as a compliment). I'm rooting for her but am shouting 'Stay away from the TDH guy, he's too smarmy!' (I hope that's your intention, I think it is from the coffee refence.)
And never be ashamed of calling it Chick Lit - Catherine Alliot and Fiona Walker are queen's of Chick Lit, with nothing to be ashamed of.
Great read.

Hi. I’m pressed for time and only browsed through Hero. I found it interesting and intriguing, enough to back it. If you tell me which chapter(s) you would like me to critique, I will do so as soon as I clear my desk.
Meantime, could you please check TO KILL A DEAD MAN? Honest comment and backing will be appreciated.
Dan

Wonderfully hilarious! This is super writing, with a vivid imagination. Backed with pleasure, Jedward (Painting on Air)

Brilliant is the word used to describe this type of writing. You are well informed on your subject, and make your readers sit still - every writers dream. I'm utterly impressed with your work, and I hope to be like you in the future. There wasn't any dialogue in the first chapter, but still I want to read it over and over again. Lovely work.

There were a few minor errors I feel you've already noticed. For example, "[I]'ve a [B]ony face." should be "I have a bony face."

Overall, your comedic lines, writing styles and word flow made this book a must to remember. I'm definitely backing it as soon as possible.

Kelvin O'Ralph
ICIRE: The Rebirth

Oh shucks thanks Kelvin! I'm great at spotting other writer's mistakes but not my own so thanks for pointing that out and thank you so much for your lovely compliment! Best of luck with yours too!

Brilliant is the word used to describe this type of writing. You are well informed on your subject, and make your readers sit still - every writers dream. I'm utterly impressed with your work, and I hope to be like you in the future. There wasn't any dialogue in the first chapter, but still I want to read it over and over again. Lovely work.

There were a few minor errors I feel you've already noticed. For example, "[I]'ve a [B]ony face." should be "I have a bony face."

Overall, your comedic lines, writing styles and word flow made this book a must to remember. I'm definitely backing it as soon as possible.

Kelvin O'Ralph
ICIRE: The Rebirth

Very original idea. WEll written. It's funny, but when I came to the bit about fat Gemini men, I immediately thought, 'Gemini men aren't fat.' The you said it.

It's amusing and it's going on my shelf as soon as I can decide which book to remove.

Good luck with the site.

Thanks! LOL - my brother is Gemini and he's called Bones, so I rest my case...or our cases for that matter!

Joanna

This looks like an interesting and funny book. I have not read any books on this site similar to this one. Keep up the good wqrk. Lisa

Very original idea. WEll written. It's funny, but when I came to the bit about fat Gemini men, I immediately thought, 'Gemini men aren't fat.' The you said it.

It's amusing and it's going on my shelf as soon as I can decide which book to remove.

Good luck with the site.

Joanna

This is a fantastic idea for a story.. I've often wondered what would happen if I believed my horoscope! The first chapter is really enjoyable and I found myself giggling.. You paint a good picture of your protagonist. The only thing I'd say is there is possibly too much description.. great description nonetheless though. Best of luck, and I'm happy to back. Emily (Traps and Topaz)

It “billows” out like a balloon before me, and so forth. Bellows is a howl like sound, or an instrument that pushes oxygen into the embers of a fire.


Ok, several things to consider if you want critical feedback. The first is that your voice is a bit too informal, even for a first person narrative. At times you almost seem to be addressing the reader directly which stifles suspension of disbelieve. This criticism assumes this is a first person novel and not a dairy-like memoir.

Secondly, the plot seems to lack structure. Your chapters are rather short, so perhaps I judge too quickly—but with normal length chapters by the end of the second or third chapter there should be some clear plot development. As far as I’ve read so far, your narrative seems more or less to wander. Do you write from an outline? If not it may help you, because your chapters appear to end arbitrarily without accomplish anything relevant to a plot. Think of chapter as acts in a play. In each something needs to happen that pushes the structure of your plot forward. List your narrative elements, in the order that they occur in the story, and then assign them to chapters in that order. Space them out, and then you will be able to tell if you have done all that you need to do in any particular chapter.

I will read the rest before commenting further but these are my first impressions. Your strong point are world build, and you have greats details that bring things your character’s personality out well. Good job there. will read more


bb

Ha ha you hate my writing and I love it! I thought from your messges you were going to be nice, but am delighted you were critical. I will digest what you say and take it into account ..and I promise to billow rather than bellow from now on! Many thanks for reading it, even though it is our of your regular genre. x

It “billows” out like a balloon before me, and so forth. Bellows is a howl like sound, or an instrument that pushes oxygen into the embers of a fire.


Ok, several things to consider if you want critical feedback. The first is that your voice is a bit too informal, even for a first person narrative. At times you almost seem to be addressing the reader directly which stifles suspension of disbelieve. This criticism assumes this is a first person novel and not a dairy-like memoir.

Secondly, the plot seems to lack structure. Your chapters are rather short, so perhaps I judge too quickly—but with normal length chapters by the end of the second or third chapter there should be some clear plot development. As far as I’ve read so far, your narrative seems more or less to wander. Do you write from an outline? If not it may help you, because your chapters appear to end arbitrarily without accomplish anything relevant to a plot. Think of chapter as acts in a play. In each something needs to happen that pushes the structure of your plot forward. List your narrative elements, in the order that they occur in the story, and then assign them to chapters in that order. Space them out, and then you will be able to tell if you have done all that you need to do in any particular chapter.

I will read the rest before commenting further but these are my first impressions. Your strong point are world build, and you have greats details that bring things your character’s personality out well. Good job there. will read more


bb

Thanks Jillian! I hope you enjoy chapter 2 and 3 as much! Read your opening chapters an can't wait to read more!

the protagonist may have got whip lash from the rollercoaster, but this first chapter is breathless. well done - i was smiling throughout. really enjoyed it, thank you for sharing :-)

the protagonist may have got whip lash from the rollercoaster, but this first chapter is breathless. well done - i was smiling throughout. really enjoyed it, thank you for sharing :-)

Yeeeeaaa! My cover is now live! Isn't it delicious!

l don't read horoscopes but l cannot deny you write well. so l shall put this on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Thank you so much for your kind compliment. The book is complete fiction (although I do share the characteristic of the main character of having an extra set of extra ribs!). Hopefully you will get a laugh or two from it! I'm only a newbe to Authonomy so it is a real buzz when someone like yourself is willing to read my work. I look foreward to reading Seasons.

l don't read horoscopes but l cannot deny you write well. so l shall put this on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Note from Author: Hi, thanks for looking at my books! I have uploaded five chapters of my book 'Heroscope'. I'm on the second rewrite, as I wasn't bonding with one of the characters very well, so he needed a serious rethink before he got dumped altogether! I will upload more chapters soon, but I would love to hear your comments on it so far.