The Canterbury Witnesses

Hello Collyn,you've chosen a very interesting century - one of my favourites - and ,of course, one of the most notorious episodes in English History , the struggle between Becket and Henry 11.Have you seen the play 'Four Knights at Knaresborough' , supposedly the destination of the assassins after the death of Becket ?No,I haven't either!But i'd like to.Very concise and commanding use of English , leading up to an original interpretation of a very old story - I must read more.I was interested that you like all things medieval, did you hear the Poetry Please programme on Radio 4 on Sunday on the Pearl,which I knew nothing about,absolutely fascinating.would you be so kind as to have a look at my novel 'A Buccaneer' , which is set in the 17th century and includes Sir Henry Morgan, the attack on Panama 1671, Spanish gold, five handed duels and beautiful ladies, with best wishes, Strachan Gordon

Hello Collyn!
Lovely read. I read all four chapters and now for my comments:
For the most part the pacing was excellent, though I thought early on you might want to pick it up little bit. I think some of Palmer's journey before reaching Canterbury could be shortened a bit, just so you don't lose readers early on. Once they reach the cathedral and the action picks up it gets better.
There are a lot of grammatical things you'll most likely come across in later edits. Be on the look out for comma splices, as I spotted several. There were a few sentences with awkward phrasing, such as "Her body shook like it belonged to another." I'd suggest rephrasing it to "...shook as if it..." Sometimes the way you worded things made the read feel choppy, and that's just a matter that fine-toothed editing will resolve.
I like your characters, and think Palmer is especially well fleshed out. He is a hero I could cheer for, though I wish he would speak up a little more. Up until chapter four he tends to fade into the background. I'd like to see more action from him. He starts off too passive. Theodosia incites pity, of course, but I would like to see a little more spirit from her. She's so hung up on being the perfect little nun; I'd like her a whole lot more if she had even a little fight in her, a little streak of wildness, perhaps. Of course, with only four chapters here, for all I know that spark appears in the next chapter. If so, maybe hint at it earlier on? I don't want to just pity Theodosia; I want to cheer for her.
You do an excellent job with everything else. You balance description, action, and characterization splendidly. Your attention to historical detail is good, too, as you incorporate the true events of Becket's murder with your own fictional narrative. Only discrepancy I noticed--didn't the knights who killed Becket sneak into the cathedral in disguise, and run out to get their weapons and run back in after discarding the cloaks over their mail? That's how I recall the historical account by Grim going anyway. I don't know how closely you want to follow that account, though, and of course there is no need to put in every detail.
I hope to have an opening on my bookshelf soon, and I plan to back this when I do.
Best of luck! I enjoyed the read and hope you find success with it.
Happy writing,
J. N. Khoury
The Heiress of Rhiangar (feedback/backing appreciated!)

oh yes, why is it on here i find the best stuff in the historic pieces, perhaps it is becuase the writer knows their time so well, i am sure i would learn much about the medieval from reading more of your work, i see you start your work in the midst of the action, always a good place i think i fear your piece might be too romantic for me, but romantic is one way of seeing things, thank you for your good work, if you get a chance take a look at my piece "ghost dance"

You've got a winner with this one, Collyn. Would love to read on but I understand the reluctance to post more text on a public website. The story is captivating even with the minimum word count.
I thought the stress of the opening was lost once Palmer relinquished the rope to the others. They become conversational, considering it's a high stress situation, (just my thought).
The rest is great and I'm hooked, being a romance writer I enjoy the tension developing between Palmer and Theodosia. They are thrown unwillingly into each others lives and hopefully will unravel the mystery together.
Let me know if you post more or publish.
Best of luck. Starred and will be on my shelf very soon. :):)
Christine Elaine Black

Hi Collyn

Here are my comments, at last.

General comments : -
1. 5 stars and backed.
2. This is exactly my genre for reading, and is a very interesting story.
3. Strong characterisation, intriguing storyline with suspense.
4. The pace and balance of thrills, description and dialogue are right – great writing.
5. I like you’re your ability as a wordsmith.
6. There is not much use, if any, of similes. This makes the text a bit flat. I suggest you make some use of similes, to add sparkle to the excellent story.
7. In places, the language is a bit “tight”. Do you mean it to be? If not, then I suggest adding a few words, here and there.
8. In fiction writing, it’s preferable to place the verb serving as the dialogue tag (you use “said” in a few places), after the speaker’s name. It makes for a more dynamic sentence.
9. Apart from the two minor technical points below, the rest is believable for an historical fiction viewpoint.

Some detailed critical comments : -
Ch 1
1. “Whiplash” of a rope means that it is travelling fast. Maybe too fast to grab hold of.
2. Many of the initial sentences are short, making the story judder a fraction. Think about lengthening a few more sentences.
3. A palm would not “split open” with a rope running through it, it would create a severe friction burn, and maybe severe enough to pull off some flesh, perhaps even to the bone.
4. Add “as” prior to “…unmoved as a…”
Ch 2
1. The first part has nice description, but no action. The rest of the chapter makes up for it.

Hope this helps.
Best regards
George

I have just finished Sharon Penman's Henry II trilogy and all that is still fresh as I read your interesting slant on the story. The writing is efficient and absorbing. Found some of the more "modern" language of the knights a bit off-putting "Do, Him Le Bret" sounds like it could be taken from a Guy Ritchie film. I would change that but but its up to you if that's how you want to write.
The main thing is you have come up with an original idea based on one of history's best known tales and freshened it up. I read up to chapter three and wonder how Henry will come across. Backed and starred, regards, Mark

'Canterbury Witnesses' is a 12th Century conspiracy thriller. We thought we knew that Beckett's murder arose out of a dispute between church and state, personal enmity between Beckett and Henry the Second, ('Who will rid me of this turbulent priest ?' etc.) but this intiguing tale adds a new dimension in the shape of Anchoress Theodosia and what secrets she may unwittingly hold important enough for Becketts murder to be a side issue to her capture. Its a great premise and the tale flies along, dripping with medieval authenticity. Fitzurse as the ringleader of the killers/kidnappers is well drawn and Palmer is a realistic MC with whom we will empathise more as the plot unfolds. His character and motivations have been clearly presented. That storm in the English Channel and the knights arrival in wintry Canterbury are both top class scenes. The modifying of historical events to fit a dramatic purpose has to be done carefully to avoid alienating the HF readership, but enough of the known facts about the murder are retained to avoid that pitfall. One can believe, for example, that Edward Grim in his eyewitness account decided to leave out the part of the story where he hid with a young Anchoress behind an altar screen. Using Latin quotation in such a tale is almost inevitable and I have struggled myself with the difficult art of fitting this in without inviting accusations of pretentiousness. Here the author provides us with translations which informs the reader but it is a lot of words to fit in and the pace of the action is slowed. There are some great lines of dialogue ('Where is the whore and her bitch?'), unfamiliar phrases ( eg clod--grubber) in this and many subtle touches. I particularly liked Theodosias anxiety at suddenly being in the 'open space' of the Cathedral. The occasional slight lack of subtlety in portraying the time period ( eg the 'driver of the small tarpaulin covered cart' and 'pointed a leather gauntlet clad finger') is only noticed because the extra descriptive word is unnecessary. We are already immersed in the time and place in this story. Hope more is uploaded soon

Wow. I read these four chapters in no time flat. Excellent. We sympathize with Palmer readily, especially when you create a sense of vulnerability during the storm at sea. He's a fantastic MC. Your forte is definitely writing action scenes, though on all levels, your writing is great. And what a hook at the end of chapter 4! I look forward to read more. For now, a fistful full of stars for this great beginning.
Regards,
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

On my shelf!
i.e.
The Impeccable Editor's Guide to Writing (and Rewriting)

I'm always on the lookout for good historical fiction and whilst there are only a few chapters posted, I think there is great potential here.
An impressive opening chapter with an excellent sense of time and place. The storm scene was credible and the characters, well crafted. The touch with the little red knitted hat left by the ill-fated captain was petty but powerful, such was the tension between the two men and the importance of possessions, however small, in those days.
Clearly, time has been spent on research and it shows. Authentic dialogue, especially with the novice and her confession adds another strength to this story. And it is one, I'm happy to star and shelve very shortly. Margaret.

I really liked the scene with sister Theodosia. Imagine sitting or rather walking up and down a small cell and spending a couple of years without contact with the outside world, except for the monk.

On the whole I like this. I think the narrative prose is good and that the characters are painted well. The opening scene is icy cold and wet.
Only comment really is that when plotting you have to ask yourself 'would he do that?'. Would the young knight pick a fight in the middle of a life-threatening storm over a knitted cap? I think he would have his thoughts elsewhere and might refer to it later but, start a fight? If it was a silver crucifix maybe or even a fine sword I could imagine he would be more moved....
Just a thought.
Backed!

Icy rain and spray in the English Channel and a captain thrown overboard to his death, gives a stunning and frightening visual of a square-rigged cog bobbing like a cork in a storm. The dialogue between Sister Theodosia and Brother Edwin is well crafted and describes an impious dream of dancing and visions of Satan. While Sister Theodosia lives out her brutal calling and battles temptation, Sir Benedict Palmer crosses the channel to Canterbury and to Thomas Becket. These two interlinking stories are expertly weaved and strike an authentic and expressive tone. What I like about this book is the extensive research of the period and the strong characterization required for a book of this type. The pitch is extremely exciting; a hook in itself, and I strongly recommend it to others. Very well done! Starred and backed. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.