Vortex, Return of the Effra 1

The blind leading the blind. A goth is he, with contacts lenses, but in Damians reality an officer, a captain no less, with the responsibility of keeping a castle and a kingdom secure. Highly enjoyable first three chapters and not what I was expecting at all. To cross connect the two worlds with hero and heroine being confused and scared in equal mearsures is a fantastic concept and hugely entertaining. Considering Damian can cope with a renegade dragon on the loose, its no surprise that the modern motor car terrifies him!

Once the plot unravelled I really wanted to continue reading Vortex because of the tongue in cheek aspect. The wonderment and innocence is nicely woven together as the two worlds merge leading to some funny moments. Your writing is pretty good to. Ok a few things need tightening up, nothing a good edit wouldn't fix. But the story is really great and i wish you the best of luck with it.

Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility
Full metal jacket of stars.

What if a reader promised to crit your book and then disappeared for five months?

Well, I had a good reason, so I hope you'll forgive me. When last we spoke, I said I would not crit the first three chapters because everybody does that and I know from my own experience that you end up wth a lot of feedback on Ch 1-3 and none beyond.

So, mostly, what I've read is solid. The nitpicks I have have been presented by others. I do like Damian's take on our world. I laughed out loud at his opinion of the wardrobe of a modern college student. I love the irony and the humor you infuse. So, I'm going to keep it on my watch list and give it a backing soon. For now, you get stars. Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch)

Hi Lindsey, just read the prologue of Vortex. Let me start by saying that your descriptive powers are excellent. The prologue felt very 3 dimensional to me. I could hear the characters talking, see the room they were in and felt involved in the story straight away. The following comments are essentially nitpicks, little tweaks that will, in my humble opinion, enhance the story even further. I’ll read on when I get the chance, in the meantime, backed.
The snow had been falling for hours and was starting to settle on the almost frozen ground. Ethelred shuffled around his chair and scooped another log from the small pile next to the mantle. The fire was already stacked up pretty high but Ethelred was really feeling the cold these days, he shivered and threw the log into the roaring hearth.
**Love the way you set the scene here, I can “see it.”
…but beyond that his sight was blanketed by the night.
** Nice turn of phrase**
(…large comfy armchair. The armchair had been drawn up on one side of the fire place and a matching chair had been placed opposite.)
** This is a bit wordy, suggest tightening up a little. Perhaps something like: …one of a pair of large comfy armchairs drawn up by the fire.)
A (thread bare rug)
**This should be one word: threadbare.
covered the floor between the two chairs, (it’s colours faded and lost long ago.)
**Either the colours are faded, or lost, they can’t be both. Perhaps their brightness lost long ago?
True he should have made the effort to visit the castle this time (instead of making some one)
** should be one word: someone.
of such importance travel on a night like this to his small and humble home. Though even that wasn’t the reason, it was probably more to do with the disturbing atmosphere that seemed to have settled over the land in recent times. Birds had migrated early and the wildlife in the forests and on the mountains (was) **were** acting nervy.
(Starting to absent mindedly rub the point of his left ear, Ethelred winced as the pain reminded him he had already rubbed it sore, while pacing up and down earlier.)
**For me this is overlong and starting with a gerund ( an “ing” word) doesn’t flow well. Suggest something like: He started to absentmindedly rub the point of his left ear, then winced. The pain reminded him he had already rubbed it sore, while pacing up and down earlier on.
The door (slowly) **Don’t need this. The fact the door creaked, indicates it was opened slowly.
“Welcome my lord, please have a seat, can I take your cape?” Ethelred stepped towards him holding out a hand (to take the cape.)
**I don’t think you need this. The preceding dialogue indicates why he’s holding out his hand.
“Cut the formal crap Ethelred, we’ve known each other far (to) ** too…
Ethelred turned to one of the dressers …(that had some earthen wear tankards and a large jug. He poured two tankards full of mead from the jug)
**The repetition of the word “tankard” mars the flow. Suggest replacing the 2nd with: He filled them with mead from the jug…
His aged appearance was due more to a thousand years (been) **being…
“You should never (under estimate) **underestimate…

“It also speaks of an evil (one) who will come bringing with him (one) who has knowledge…
**The repetition mars the flow, perhaps replace the 1st with: …an evil being/creature – something along those lines.
I feel certain( if that was what was meant that it would have been made clearer.”) ** The “that’s” and “whats” make this quite hard to read. Suggest perhaps: I feel certain if it meant that, then it would have been made clearer…
The two friends grinned (warmly)… ** I don’t think you need this, the word “grinned” indicates how they feel towards each other.
Ethelred was more in tune with nature, the seasons and the magic (then) **than…

Lindsey
I read the first six chapters and enjoyed the story. it is a nice smooth read, the pace is rast enough to keep the pages turning. I liked the idea of Sam being a ghost in Damian’s world and Damian being a nightmare in Sam’s. The prologue struck me as a good one, introducing your world and providing just enough background to be easily digested. At each chapter end I expected the story to switch back to Damian’s world, and I felt just a bit disappointed. I looked at the end of what you have uploaded and I see that I’ll have to wait for the next installment.
I liked the tone of this prologue, and the dialogue was just right, not overloaded and with a hint of humour. I especially liked Etienne, with all his swords and medieval garb telling Ethelred to ‘cut the crap.’ It made me smile; it was so unexpected. One thing I thought was a bit odd – with the threat of impending doom, would Ethelred have left his door unlocked?

The nightmare scene in the first chapter, I thought could be tightened up a bit, by pruning out all the repetitions of hair rising on the back of the neck, the shivering, limbs feeling numb etc. Sam experienced those sensations when she first heard the dragon roar, you probably don’t need to reiterate it when she finds Damian in the ditch with her.

The lecture theatre part didn’t really grab me, seemed a bit slow moving. I wanted to be back with Etienne and the dragon!
Good idea having Sam a ghost in Damian’s world and he in her nightmare, and I liked the pacing of the part where Sam is running in a panic to get into her room and she drops the keys, exactly what would happen in a nightmare scenario.
I think you have a good story here. It could be a bit tighter, with pruning of unnecessary phrases, but those are problems that can be sorted out with editing. Perhaps Sam’s character could be fleshed out just a little more in the early chapters. She didn’t come over to me as clearly as the characters in the prologue. The basic story is a good one and I enjoyed it, and have rated it highly.
Jane

Hi Lindsey, I had a look at chapters 23 and 24. Chapter 23 was fast. No problems. Chapter 24 I liked, reread again there are a few errors though, missing words. When they are getting ready to escape: you say bullets, needs to be AMMO instead. This chapter too read fast and the idea that Sam comes up with to get in the back seat was brilliant, made me laugh and it was quick thinking. Do a careful read or use a voice read software to catch the repetition. I had a thought, instead of saying how nervous Sam is when they are going through the armory and grabbing the guns, write the nervousness into the narrative:

Sam knocked over a few boxes and the shells went flying...you get the idea! Add more, maybe more detail into the rifle her dad owned, because there are a lot of them.

One last thought (this reminded me) when Sam is laughing almost hysterically you repeat it. I can find the paragraph later if your interested, and the first few paragraphs needs looking at, there is a little bump at the start too.

LJ - I read the first chapter and your claws dug into me... you have the beginnings of a good story here. You're on my shelf. When you have a moment take a look at my story, The Girl with Sad Green Eyes.
Thanks and blessings,
Lee

Hey Lindsay!

I finally got here :D You have wonderful writing, very clear and discriptive (ever so slightly too descriptive for my tastes, but not enough that it takes away from it). You're a loose cannon with commas, but that will be easy enough for you to fix. The plot is intriguing, I love the layered worlds and am very interested in fining out exactly how they intersect.

If KA were here, he'd rant your ears off about prologues. I feel yours is important to the story, but I also found it was too slow paced and too long. I like how you linked it into the story, but perhaps you could simply present the prophesy as the prologue? Or something a bit faster, such as an urgent meeting rather than a companionable conversation between two old friends. Just my thoughts :)

I'd buy it. I also hav more understanding of the talk about you having dragon on your roof :P
JC

I'm following you from the WorldBuilders thread. You have an engaging story here. From elves to dragon to college students -- oh, my! I don't intend to critique the first few chapters because, if you're anything like me, your first three have been done to death. So I'll save my energy for later chapters.

All I would say about the first three is that they are well-written and intriguing. You could use with a good read for punctuation and there's some extraneous bits -- just some places where you repeat yourself (particularly where Damien is waking up by the tree) and where you could just write some sentences tighter, maybe combine some sentences to move the pace along.

Otherwise, the first three chapters are great and I'll get back to you on the next few. Lauri

I've only read three chapters, but you've got a good story here, I think. You write a mite too descriptively for my taste - but I know other people find minimal description frustrating, so you needn't take any notice of that - and even so you still drag me along. Already I am curious and want to know what happens next.
Heroine has a good solid name, and dragons, well, you surely can't go wrong with dragons!

Good luck with this,

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale.

Your first chapter grabbed my attention and wouldn't let me go! I had to tear myself away or else risk not getting work done. This is an engaging story and I can't wait to read more. I wish I had some critique to give you, but I didn't see anything so far(Although, I'm not the best at grammar). I'm going to watch list you and come back for more!

Best,
Ashley
Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

Hi L J

Here are the first comments on Vortex

With the pitch you put across an interesting story, but it seems a bit stuttering with the short sentences and the two use of “but” close together.

Here is one suggestion. You have these two sentences which might work better as one, giving them more flow -
He got ripped from his life and his only connection with home is Sam. Sam has to get over her fear and disbelief in order to help Damian get back to his world.

As one -

He got ripped from his life and his only connection with home is Sam, who has to get over her fear and disbelief in order to help Damian get back to his world.

Might make it a bit more fluid, anyway onto the story


The first thing that strikes me is the name of the character at the start – Ethelred. This brings to mind the famous Ethelred the unready

At the start of paragraph two on the prologue you have “The wind whistled out side” it should be “outside”
In the first paragraph you say Ethel was feeling cold and then you say in the second paragraph the room had a cosy warm feel to it. As he is the sole occupant it seems to be opinion of the room you are stating here which contradicts what you put across before.

Fourth paragraph you say making some one of such great importance” it should be “someone”

“Welcome my lord” should be “Welcome, my lord” as the speech is addressing “my lord”

And in the next speech you have “cut the formal crap Ethelred” which again should be “cut the formal crap, Ethelred”

I see this happens again later when people are speaking. The person being addressed needs to be separated by a coma. This also applies to things like “old friend” where that replaces the name of the person being addressed.

When we get to the shift in scene focus halfway through we then are told Ethel is an elf, I can see you might have been trying to tell us this when he rubbed the point of his ear but maybe it could have been made clearer. Actually letting us know his ears were pointy, as the point of his ear could mean a normal looking ear.

Not sure about getting the physical description of Ethel at this point either as we have already been halfway through the scene with him. Maybe you could give us a description of him earlier from his own perspective and then alter that later to show how the other one sees him.

Near the end you have some fancy speech followed by ** is this telling us there is a footnote to translate what he said? If it is where are they?

You put across some fine description and set up the story that is to come ahead, you just need to tighten up a few bits of writing and maybe think of the name as it gives us a lot of preconceptions about Ethel and maybe him not being ready. Maybe you could have a name we are not familiar with unless that is what you are going for.

I will hopefully check back soon on what follows, to find out about the dragon and maybe give some more comments, and I suppose that is what matters in a story, if it makes the reader want to continue reading, and I do :)

I hope these have been of some help.

Stephen

Thank you soo much for posting more of your story! I can't wait to find out what happens next. Still backed and increased to six stars in appreciation of the extra chapters. One nitpick- Chapter 25- "Stood (standing?) beside the dad man in the shop with Sam crying against him." If you keep posting more I will definitely keep reading! Thanks again. Desi.

Wow! This is a wonderful story! It is engaging and you pull off the tension in the relationship between the MC's nicely, I couldn't stop reading. I think you have something special here in the story, however there are many editorial issues that you need to address. Some examples are as follows-Chapter 3 "where (Where) on earth are you?" Chapter 6"His reaction shocking (shocked?) Sam so much she bumped her head back...." Chapter 7 "He was stood watching her sleep, that was wrong it was violating her privacy." and chapter 8 "Well there was he is not there anymore." and "Then (a?) completely unbidden an image presented itself in his mind of Sam sat (sitting?) next to him in the great hall...."and chapter 20 "Damian asked pointing to one of the address (addresses?)" Despite these issues the story was one of favorites that I have read in a while. 5 stars and backed. Will you please post more? Thank you for sharing. Desi

You have a few fragments and run ons here and there, but overall a good start to a fanasy novel. Stay strongwith those kids of yours; they need a mama like you, espiecially one who can weave such stories!

Can I say ditto to what Sam says in her comments?

You've got a great story going. I've read to chapter 13 and then authonomy decided to pull a trick on me and won't load the next chapter. Really enjoyed it so far, and liked the characters names. Maybe because we share some of the same names in our stories. Marcus is always a bad guy--he is in mine too. : )

Your overall style is smooth, with just a little bit of tweaking I think will help. Sentence struct could use some help, mostly after the dialogue. Had to really concentrate on who was speaking because you place the next sentence on a new line.

For example: "Just wait a moment."
Sam said in a harsh voice.

It should read like this: "Just wait a moment," Sam said in a harsh voice.

Your chapters later in the book come randomly. What I mean by that is sometimes they are really long and then other times they are three paragraphs.

Overall the story drew me in, otherwise I wouldn't have kept on. Looking forward to reading more as time permits.

Best of luck and hope this helps,

Lisa / Cheyenne - A Timeless Series Novel, Book One

Oh yeah, forgot to mention that I am from the Alliance. : )

Hey Lindsey. Here to return the read! In accordance with the principles of the Alliance, I will focus on constructive criticism – yours to use or discard as you wish.

Right, the prologue. Good start – atmospheric. Ethelred is a great name (I already feel like he’s old and I haven’t even got to know him yet :-)

The description of the room struck me as a little odd, because it’s described as though from the point of view of someone who’s never been there before. So early in the book, I’d stick with Ethelred’s POV and make the description more meaningful – more personal to him. If I look around a room I’m totally familiar with, I notice different things than if I look around a new room. So Ethelred wouldn’t just see a kettle hanging over a fire, he’d see the promise of a hot drink. And he wouldn’t just see books, he’d see hours of study in pursuit of an elusive truth (or whatever). He already knows the ceiling is low and beamed, but he might spot a few webs lurking up there that his failing eyesight had overlooked before … you get the idea.

Couldn’t help smiling at the mention of the Alliance :-)

Again with the description of Etienne, I’d probably make it more personal to Ethelred. What does he perceive that’s different from what he’s already grown to know in Etienne over the years? Is his hair untidier than usual, suggesting haste? Are there weary shadows under his piercing blue eyes? These sorts of observations help to bring both characters alive.

‘Cut the formal crap, Ethelred …’ – love it, makes a change from the usual fantasy dialogue and Etienne is instantly more real to me :-)

Hmm, not sure about the sudden switch in POV to Etienne (and the same comments about personalising the descriptions apply here too) – but that’s just my preference. Your story, your rules.

Interesting sense of foreboding being built up here with the discussion between man and elf. Not sure about the use of the word ‘legend’ to mean a prophecy – legends usually refer to the past not the future – unless they’re events that happen repeatedly, in a Wheel of Time-ish sort of way … don’t know but I’ll go with it.

Crikey, another *tankard* of mead? I think of mead as being more of the strength of wine than of beer. They’re going to be plastered soon and unable to deal with whatever evil force is approaching ;-)

I like the language you’ve invented – I’m a sucker for that sort of detail.

Right, on to Chapter 1. Again you create good atmosphere with the nightmare, and I can instantly see the connection between that and the news that was brought at the end of the prologue, so that works well.

It felt odd to be given Sam’s full name at the beginning of the next scene, because I’d just been experiencing the intensity of the nightmare scene alongside her and so felt quite close to her as a character. It was like being thrown out of her head and back to a more distant objective view. Can you work her full name in more naturally later?

I’d like to know a little bit more about Sam’s uni, where she is studying, what it’s like there – a bit more reality to ground the fantastic events that have just taken place. I’d also like to get a better idea of how long ago her father died – it seemed like it was quite a recent event but I’m not absolutely sure.

‘The lecture dragged on all morning …’ – this switch of scene didn’t quite work for me because I’d thought Sam was going to the chemist, so it felt abrupt and left me confused (did she end up leaving so late that she couldn’t make it there before the lecture?). Later in the paragraph the question is answered, but you might want to add a sentence or two at the start to avoid that jarring effect (e.g. ‘The visit to the chemist meant that Sam only just made it to the lecture hall on time.’).

OK, now for Pedant’s Corner: I’d suggest you watch your use of commas. You tend to use them to join two things that are really standalone sentences (e.g. ‘Ethelred was really feeling the cold these days, he shivered and threw the log …’ and ‘a branch rattled against the little window, Ethelred glanced up uneasily’). Most of these would be better as full stop, new sentence. A few could benefit from a semicolon (if you want to link the two sentences more strongly in the reader’s mind).

I’d also watch your adverb use. Yeah, I know, everyone goes on about this. To be honest, I love adverbs. But they have more impact if they are used sparingly – and a lot of the time, you can trust your verbs to convey what you mean on their own. For instance, ‘mumbled to himself quietly’ – a mumble is quiet by definition, so it doesn’t need the adverb. Or ‘shuffled restlessly’ – here I think the adverb is actually working against the verb, since ‘shuffle’ conveys slow, old, awkward, whereas ‘restlessly’ conveys fast, young, edgy. When you have the time, I’d take a look at each of your adverbs and decide whether it’s really necessary for the meaning and rhythm of your prose.

Right. I’ll put my inner pedant back in his box now. I hope my comments are helpful. I think there’s loads of potential in this – it’s shaping up to be an interesting story and I’ll come back another time to see what happens when Sam meets the mysterious man from her nightmares :-)

I read the first five chapters and found this story intriguing.
The prologue set up the tale, and I liked the two old friends discussing the dire situation about to unfold as they drunk their mead.
Then to bring the story forward into modern times as we are introduced to Sam and her tragic circumstances regarding her father and her mother. The dreams being the only give away to her connection witht the fantasy world we have already been introduced to.
Damien the mysterious stranger under the tree is then introduced and more than peaks the readers interest with his charming old fashioned ways and his tie to Sam in the modern world.
All in all a great plot set up, that leads the reader on wanting more and more of this fantasy tale.
The writing flows well and the story enticing, I'm sure many readers of this fantasy will enjoy this story.
I only noticed a couple of places where the story jarred for me. I have included a suggestion for ammendments but it is purely that, I'm no expert.
Well done, and best of luck with this.
Cheers Jacoba. I am watchlisting and starring for now.

Looking around the small theatre, where they all sat, students were hastily scribbling down notes, while the middle aged lecturer with the comb-over droned on relentlessly out the front. ( I would get rid of the next two sentences all together)
Sam carefully slipped her mobile....

Finally the lecture finshed and the students gathered their notes in the midst of a chorus of chatty voices as they filed out to get their lunch.

'You weren't listening to that lecture were you?' Anny said. 'I saw you flicking through pictures on your mobile.'

'I couldn't concentrate...

Okay, time for me to get swept up in Vortex! As always, whatever I say is only my opinion and doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to:

PROLOGUE
I love the opening line. The only thing that spoiled it for me was the 'almost'. Just go for frozen ground- if it's snowing it's cold enough for that!

I think you could do without the last part of the sentence of the first para (...he shivered and), as readers can mostly guess what he's going to do with a log next to a fire. You've already commented how Ethelred is cold, so no need to repeat yourself.

Nice description of the room!

I'm getting a bit of an adverb pattern- you seem to rely on them to describe character actions. Once in a while is alright, but I think you could pack more punch if you gave us a gesture. Such as 'Ethelred glanced up, running his fingers through his beard' or something along those lines. Gives him more personality!

Ah, the rubbing the ear- that's what I mean by more gestures.

Writing's generally good, easy to read and that. Sometimes you could trim the odd excess word, but it's not interfering with my reading.

Ha, I like the new character's dialogue- really cuts through the archaic set up from before!

'Etienne smiled to himself (. H)e was used to...' I think reads easier.

'This was a straight question'- you can drop the second part of this sentence as the 'straight question' already tells us it's not a joke.

Well, an excellent start! Captivating characters and a hint of the coming unrest. The writing could be tightened a little. Otherwise, good job!

ONE

You paint very vivid pictures- I like! Again though, make sure you say what you need to say and nothing else. Mostly through the writing is focused, but sometimes it drifts a little.

'blood curdling' this type of phrase should be used once, to pack a lasting punch. It completely lost the shock value the second time around, so I'd change it to 'awful shriek' or 'mournful wail' or something not quite so elaborate.

'It was then'- I use this construction a lot, and I've found it tends to slow the pace. Often it's better just to go into whatever happened, or if you must 'but then'.

'ear splitting'- you mention that the scream shook the ground. I found that more powerful than this descriptor, so I'd drop it.

'......' convention for ellipisis says you only need three '...' :)

'Autumn'- doesn't really need capitalization.

You get us very close to Sam's thoughts, feelings and inner monologues- excellent! She's quite lively as a character and I feel I know her.

Well, so things get going now- very good! I would definitely read this as a published tome. All I can offer really is a bit of prose tightening. Otherwise, you've got the tone spot on, a relatable character, enough mystery and magic, colourful descriptions and natural dialogue.

all the best

Sam241

I usually don't read this catagory but you got my attention from the start and kept it, way to go! Definately a great read for fantasy enthusiasts.
Leslie Gervais
"Love Has No Borders"

The blind leading the blind. A goth is he, with contacts lenses, but in Damians reality an officer, a captain no less, with the responsibility of keeping a castle and a kingdom secure. Highly enjoyable first three chapters and not what I was expecting at all. To cross connect the two worlds with hero and heroine being confused and scared in equal mearsures is a fantastic concept and hugely entertaining. Considering Damian can cope with a renegade dragon on the loose, its no surprise that the modern motor car terrifies him!

Once the plot unravelled I really wanted to continue reading Vortex because of the tongue in cheek aspect. The wonderment and innocence is nicely woven together as the two worlds merge leading to some funny moments. Your writing is pretty good to. Ok a few things need tightening up, nothing a good edit wouldn't fix. But the story is really great and i wish you the best of luck with it.

Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility
Full metal jacket of stars.

I usually don't read this catagory but you got my attention from the start and kept it, way to go! Definately a great read for fantasy enthusiasts.

Leslie Gervais
"Love Has No Borders"

will add to my BS a.s.a.p.

I read a couple of chapters of this and I have to say I really enjoyed what I read! The main character of Sam seems well thought out and believable. The dream sequence was vivid and terrifying all at the same time. I will definitely be continuting with this as soon as I can. I reckon with a few revisions, this could do very well!

All the best

Stuart

'The Awakening'

I have read the first chapter of your story and it is good. I love the setting of it and how you began with the problem. It kind of reminds me of the scene in The Lord of the Rings when Gandolf first told Frodo of the ring.
I had slight problems pronouncing some of the names and determining who was talking at points.
Other than that, I really did like it and look forward to reading more!

Aimee Ann

Lindsey,
I've paused from reading at the point where Sam and Damian, their two worlds juxtaposed but separate, are at a loss what to do with each other. It's a great technique keeping readers at the edge of their seats, entwined in the actions of these two central characters trying to solve a strange dilemma. I'm reading on, anxious to know how it would all turn out. Thank you for the enjoyable read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

lindsey,

Vortex---I like how this is written, easy and flows smoothly from one chapter to the next. Unforgetable relationships are developed and that is always nice to know who the characters are and what they've done or doing to improve themselves. Impressive imagry and that says a lot about the writer. Provoked questions like what the characters are thinking inside and as they find the answers, you go on the journey with them and it is like you're the one learning beside them. WL!

Penny
The Glass Serpent

What a wonderful idea for a story...I'm definitely interested in finding out who the silver-eyed man is. Your imagination is first-rate!
I do think this could use some tidying as far as grammar goes, and you could make the tense scene at the beginning of chapter one even more gripping by removing 'was ...-ing' statements. ' 'A short distance from the ditch where Sam crouched stood a tall tower...' would convey the same meaning, for instance.
I wish you the best of luck!
Emily

Vortex.
Chapter 1 - As you used 'settle' in the first paragraph, it might be an idea to use another word to avoid repetition, 'snow starting to settle - (collect?) in the corners of the panes' etc. The same with tankards.
Friends - friend's
riley - wryly
Ethelred, (an old Anglo-Saxon name), sets the period of this passage in the story nicely. He and Etienne have a friendly and respectful relationship that comes across well. Like the description of Ethelred's home.
Chapter 2 - Good energy and tension in the opening paragraphs. After this, the horned, silver-eyed man saying 'I hope I did not scare you,' seemed rather weak, unless he's being mischievious, as it's obvious he has.
A lot of backstory that is mainly 'tell'. It might be an idea to consider whether this is need at this point as it ccould be incorporated as the story progresses. It seemed like a bit of an info dump and slowed the pace down.
Really liked the two students poking the 'man' and running away as fast as they can when he pulls a knife, a really good touch.
Nice, easy-going dialogue between Sam and Anny and I liked her doubt concerning the Law course she's recently embarked on.
Chapter 3 - 'Trying to remembering - typo. Also for some reason the font has changed. This might have happened whilst uploading.
Dialogue between Roderick and Damien is rather stilted.
I really, really liked the way you tied in Sam's nightmares to Damien's experiences and bought him into her world, excellent.
I liked Damien's interpretation of cars/traffic, the strangeness of Sam's world makes him vulnerable.
It is evident the author has a firm grip on her story and the direction it is going on. Based on the chapters read, I think this would be something young adults and perhaps even younger children will enjoy. Elves have been used so much in books it might be an idea to come up with another name, which should be no problem given the author's imagination, whilst retaining the features that mark Ethelred being different from Etienne. Having said this, repetition occurs quite a bit, which in my opinion, needs sorting out. Spelling mistakes and awkward passages can be dealt with during the next edit, to give a reader a smoother read and to make good ideas and concepts in the work shine.

Nanty - Chrys!

As promised. You have a wonderful imagination and your writing is highly accessible. I read the first three chapters (the same as berni), and felt i knew exactly where the story was heading. Just a couple of points- if this is YA adult fiction (teen) i'd make Sam White a little younger so that the readership can relate to him. I'd also see what i could do to trim down the novel. 146,000 is on the large size for the readership group (although there are always exceptions - see Harry Potter).
The very best of luck with it. I've put you on my watchlist for now.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

Hi Lindsey,
It looks as though I'm privileged to make the first comments:)

I like your plot - both your ideas and characters are strong. I read the first three chapters and began to get a good feel of the story unfurling. You might need to edit for punctuation and some spelling/grammatical errors, but - hey - we all have to do that.

A couple of things I spotted - I noticed you often use 'to' when it should be 'too.' (As in too long, too much etc.)
Also in chapter one you say 'hansom' when it should be 'handsome.'

A little tip which an editor gave me from the start - lose as many exclamation marks as you can. You rarely need them. If someone is screaming as they fall over a cliff - then they need an exclamation mark, but they are rarely needed for general conversation. They become aggravating to read after a while - I had positively LOADS in my first ever draft and I think in the (now) edited manuscript I have about four.

But as everyone always says, it's the ideas that matter, everything else can be fixed. That's what editors are for.
You have the ideas that's obvious.

I'm putting you on my shelf to give you a start - welcome to Authonomy :)

Wishing you luck,
Berni x
Renegades