The Shadow's Map

great pitch! we're definitely interested, send us an email!

I've only read the start but it's very strong. I particularly loved the juxaposition of the supernatural and the quotidien "You have to sign my math homework".

Dear Karen, I love that Emison is going to go, along with her friend, to save her mom in the shadow world, which your pitch portrays. :) Your tight dialogue & paragraphs, not to mention all of the action moved me right through chapter 3. :) I'm just glad that I'm not in this story because I would be scared to death, so there is one more thing for me to be thankful for. :) What a daring daughter. :) I had never heard of the saying to "keep your friends close & your enemies closer" :) - maybe I can learn from that. :) "Wise as serpents & harmless as doves comes to mind. :) Hope you will write a lot of touching stories. :) I have one daughter & I know that she would do anything for me :) - & vice versa, so your story really touched me. :) I have read your book, commented on it & put it on my watchlist to at least 24 hour back when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs book in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I am 12 from the editor's desk & am so proud of your that you have made it already. :) I am so sick & not sure if I will - could you please read my profile page to see my illness, so you'll see about my Nov. 10 mini-stroke & several smaller ones since, okay? :)

I really really love this, Karen, and hope HC take you up on it :) I'd buy it.

A really positive review - I'm pleased for you. I hope something good comes out of this for you!
Kathrin (Crash Cole)

Awesome! Congrats on a very positive review. Best of luck with Shadows!

Karen,

This is a SUPERB review - perhaps the very best they've written for ANY ED book. You must be on Cloud Nine.

Congrats and good luck with the sure-to-come progress.

Hi Karen. Of all the HC reviews I've read, yours is the most positive. When reading other HC reviews, I began to despair that the HC editors were only looking for negatives. Hopefully your positive review will mean something in the long run. Congratulations.

Hi Karen,
Well done! The synopsis alone has me engaged right away.
Must delve further.
Pat.

what a fantastic review from someone who really delved into your work. the very best of luck.

Karen, I don't know what else I could add to the comments you have already received. For my part I loved it. Beautiful description, great characters and just an intriguing start to the novel. Hopefully published soon and I can buy some class sets for my English classes.
Will be back to read more once time allows.
Backed - although don't think that matters now...
Best Wishes,
Rona
"Under Stick on Stars"

You have an amazing imagination and breathlessly exciting style - an funny too. I laughed out loud at "There'll be no more signing homework" and, expecially, "Mrs Trax . . . we have your foot." I agree with JohnRL - it's the surreal but wholly believable collision between reality and fantasy that makes it special. Just dipped in and looking forward to reading the rest so - first book on my shelf.

This is a great story! I usually can't read children's literature without rolling my eyes, but this was so good. The story immediately grabs you with this crazy scene where a girl's mother turns into a shadow. That is so creative and intense. Your descriptions are quick, short, and to the point, without losing their strong vividness. I love how Sylvia asks her mother to sign her homework, trying to ignore the fact that she turned into a shadow. The contrast between the supernatural and our own mortal reality is very strong throughout this first chapter. Here, we have an ordinary apartment, with bills and fast food wrappers, but then, a portal to a dark world opens up inside it. The boring, everyday, average life is interuppted by something completely off the wall. I love it!

I've read the first chapter and I think it's great, I hope it all works out with glasshousepress!

Cheers

Mary Mc

This is a great story Karen,

This is the second gold star book I've sampled this evening and I'm feeling a little in awe.
What a brilliant start to a book, I do hope its published soon so I can buy it and read it all

John

Karen,

You had me at the first chapter, very engaging, nice pacing, and held my curiosities. But chapter 2 lost my attention, lost the mystery. I also think you need to keep in mind who is your target audience. The writing style feels more geared for the older readers, not for the 10-12 year old reader. Take a look at The Series of Unfortunate Events. That series is exactly your audience. Also, a child would never be allowed to travel on their own, train, without some sort of supervision...minor things, but it stands out for a 10-12 aged book. However, I do think this story has a lot of potential and with an editor's help, can be effective...and published.

Very clever in places. Your plot was reasonably well sustained, but, to be fair, not sparkling.
Your character development, on the other hand...
You portray your characters vividly, leaving me in no doubt as to their thoughts and feelings. Adam and Sylvia are very well created, but for sheer realism, Missy was by far the most outstanding. I could almost hear her whining in the room with me as I read. I have only got to ch3, but I already feel well acquainted with your characters.
That is possibly, in my opinion, your greatest achievment so far in this book.

really really good!

i read this story a couple of weeks ago, and did my book review then, thinking to wait with logging it on here till I had my own (children's) story up, but as I haven't had a chance yet to write those last 1,500 words to get to the required minimum, I thought I'd add my comments here now, as things seem to be moving fast (I am not yet used to this website, obviously!). Right, here goes:

A great story. After reading the first page, I printed it all off to read at my leisure and thoroughly enjoyed it.
I am wondering however, if you haven’t made the kids too young. Reading up on writing for kids (I am working on a children’s story also, though for slightly younger children; see Tristan) the rule seems to be to make the characters slightly older (or at least the same) than one’s target audience. It may well be that you have done this spot on, even if I am personally wondering if your target audience would be at least 12 themselves? Also, at least here in the UK, kids are not allowed to travel alone on a train without adult supervision; this may well be different where you are.
There are a few problems around grammar and punctuation, which need improving on throughout the book. I suspect however, that you will come across them when editing anyway.
An example : 'There was another time her mom had stuck her hand in the toilet of their apartment to clean it and it came out black.' Shouldn’t that be 'it had come out black'. To be honest, the whole sentence doesn’t fully flow either way.
Some of the sentences are way too long and could easily be made into several smaller ones. An example of this is: 'He looked at his twin sister, they were both in seventh grade, but she pretended to be much older than him, wearing makeup and acting like a snot'. That could be changed to 'He looked at his twin sister. They were both in seventh grade, but...' or better still 'He looked at his twin sister. Though they were both in seventh grade she pretended to be much older than him...'
Another example of too long a sentence and no-flow is 'Missy swept the floor with her hand, trying to catch the runaway crystals, but instead she broke a polished nail and her favourite color – I’m not really a waitress color – that she was too young to wear, but they matched her diamond stud earrings'. I personally feel that something along the lines of 'Missy swept the floor with her hand, trying to catch the runaway crystals. “Oh no, I broke one of my polished nails. And it’s my favourite color too. I’m not really a waitress color but they match my diamond stud earrings.”' flows and sounds a little bit better. And it shows what is happening as opposed to telling it.
Some parts I find confusing. There are three beds in the room, but even though the three kids have all taken a bed, Roger comes in and takes one as well – that would require four beds.
The wishes part is puzzling me strongly. If it is the fairies who can make wishes come true, how come that it is Roger and Missy whose wishes actually happen, and not Adam and Sylvia? Especially as afterwards, the latter two are kept BECAUSE they can make wishes come true.

All in all, I think this is a great story, and shows a lot of promise.

But I do personally feel that a lot of work needs doing on making the sentences flow better, on grammar and punctuation and maybe clarifying some concepts and new characters (eg the whole incident with Nancy happened too fast for me).
Once that is done, I really feel this is a book worth being published, and I will be keeping an eye out on next chapters becoming available!

Hi Karen,
I was fascinated by your pitch and saw that this had made a star, so I decided to take a look. I'm glad that I did. This is finely wrought and will definitely appeal to your target audience. I don't have any nitpicks with it; it's so well done. I hope to see it in print soon.
Tony

I read chapter one. It was very hard for me to read. I lost my mother at a young age so I just struggled to get through it. I'm sorry. I hope you make it. Good luck.

Congratulations on making the desk, Karen. Lots of luck.

Joanna

Just making sure you don't fall out of the top 5 in these last few minutes. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed. They have to publish this if there's any justice.

Michael
(The Last Coming out Story)

All right, let's keep it moving here. Onto the second chapter! :)

Chapter Two:
~~~~~~~~~~

1.) WIthin the second paragraph, in the beginning you have "Mom" and "Dad" capitalized. However, in the second sentence you don't do this to either names. They are being used as names, so I believe they need to be capitalized just like in the first sentence.

2.) In the sentence "He looked at his twin sister, they were both in the seventh grade..." I think a semicolon would work better after "sister" than a comma. They don't seem to fit running in with the same sentence.

3.) If the sister is pretending to be older than the brother, I don't think acting like a snot would qualify as trying to be older. I can see the make-up part as trying to be a higher age than she actually is, because most women wear make-up, but a snot (to me) is a childish half of a person. Not a more adult half. Actually, after reading a while, I'm wondering by her acting older than she actually is is not actually meaning she's trying to be more of an adult, but rather higher up than her brother. Like, more bossy as if she's the oldest and knows everything. Am I right about this? I'd been confused at first on this, because I thought she was trying to have more of an outlook on things by being older. I'm betting I was wrong on that assumption.

4.) When Missy's tapping her boots on the seat across from her, it sounds as if she's literally tapping her boots with her fingers while they are on the other seat. Maybe she tapped her boots "against" the seat across from her?

5.) I'm curious as to why Adam doesn't think Sylvia is ordinary upon first seeing her.

6.) In the sentence "She looked nervous, clutching her suitcase to her chest like a baby," the analogy confuses me. I keep thinking as if it means she looks like a baby while doing it (you know the saying, "You're such a baby"? Yeah, that's what I'm thinking here). And I don't think that someone would "clutch" a baby against their chest, unless fearful for their safety, right? Especially since a little later he points out that she has a death grip on her suitcase.

7.) In the sentence "'Oh, right," Sylvia muttered," you've got a single quotation mark at the beginning of the sentence, instead of a double.

8.) In the sentence ""Not funny," Sylvia said looking like she was about to cry again," I think there should be a comma after "said".

9.) When Adam's talking about his uncle having divorced his aunt, I don't think "aunt" needs to be capitalized, because it's not being used as an actual name.

10.) In the sentence "Missy's eyes penetrated her cheap clothes," it sounds as if she's looking through the clothes and seeing Sylvia naked. Kind of awkward, if you ask me.

11.) In the sentence ""That reminds me, I have to call mom," "mom" should be capitalized, because it's being used as a name.

12.) In the sentence "Adam felt immediately embarrassed at his lack of ability to seem normal, what a dork," I think that there should be a semicolon after "normal". The last part doesn't seem to flow right connected to the sentence with a comma.

13.) When Missy is trying to scoop up the crystals on the floor and breaks a nail, it also sounds as if you're saying she broke her favorite color. I don't see how anybody can break their favorite color. A color can't exactly be broken, after all. I know what you're getting at, I think, but it doesn't exactly work.

14.) In the sentence "This time he said. "Sorry. Accident,"" you don't need the period after "said." Also, instead of a comma after "said," you could probably get away with using a colon.

15.) You use two different spelling for the iPhone. The first one you use is "I-phone" and the other you use is "iPhone." Pick one and keep to that spelling. ;)

16.) The last paragraph of the first section is awkward with all of the short sentences. It makes it feel a bit clumsy--and you need to capitalize the first word when a sentence is said; you forget to do that. Maybe you could use something like the example below?

--> Missy dug through her handbag and produced another phone, explaining it as "The sidekick I use for my boyfriends." She dug out some more and: "Oh, look." She produced another crystal-covered phone. "The Razr; I have another one. Awesome, I can still make quick calls! I was really worried for a moment. What would I do if I just needed to order a pizza or something?" She clucked her tongue against the roof of her mouth.

There were a lot of problem in that paragraph. Too many commas. Some of the sentences didn't sound right. Did Missy really mean to be clucking like a chicken, or was she actually just clucking her tongue against the roof of her mouth to make that sound? Anyway, the above is just my suggestion. :)

17.) In the sentence "If that snotty, bark haired girl was related, it wasn't through blood, at least not her blood," I believe that "bark haired" should be hyphenated. And after the first "blood," I think there needs to be a semi-colon, or a regular period, because it doesn't flow right as it is. If you use the period, might I also suggest changing the last part to "At least, not her blood." Maybe even putting "her" in italics.

18.) In the sentence "Adam's face reflected in the window remarkable similar to hers, ash grey eyes and uncontrolled hair," I think there needs to be a comma after "window". Also, you should probably separate the "ash grey eyes and uncontrolled hair" away from the sentence with an em dash, colon, or period.

19.) "Mid air" should be hyphenated.

20.) In the sentence ""Let the stupid party begin,"" I think there should be a comma instead of a period on the end.

*****

Another good chapter, though this one had a lot of rough patches to get through. I think you need to work a little more with tightening up your sentences. You use too many commas at times when the sentences should be separated by something else. Colons, semicolons, em dashes and such. I hate Missy already, sad to say. I don't like rich, snotty girls who pretty much have everything they want and more. Ah well.

Will get to the next chapter ASAP.

Hello, Karen.

Your pitch intrigued me to read the first chapter, which drew me in to read more. I'll be reading all of it, but posting critiques and such in chapters as I get through them. Everything is my opinion, of course. I can be a bit nit-picky too, so don't mind me too much. :P

*****

Full Pitch:
~~~~~~~

1.) "She is" would flow a bit smoother as "she's," IMO.

2.) "Finds out" is an awkward ending, to me. I keep thinking there needs to be another word in here. Such as "finds it out" or "finds this out." It just seems like the sentence hasn't been completed.

3.) Do we really need to be told that it's really small?

4.) Do you mean the other world of the United States? As in, connected to? Or do you mean that the other world is supposed to be the United States? No commas or a lack of a word is messing this part up for me.

*****

Chapter One:
~~~~~~~~~~

1.) Good beginning paragraph! Way to hook us into keep reading, because, well, I'm pretty sure it's not often that someone's mom turns into a shadow, right? However, I will say the part of deflating into a black silhouette had me a bit confused. As soon as I read that, I thought she...melted into the floor, if you will, like an actual shadow, know what I mean? It wasn't until the fifth paragraph that I understood she was actually still standing, but...kind of paper-thin I suppose. Might there be a way to reword this to not make it seem so? I believe it's the "deflated" that made me think she fell into a silhouette on the floor.

2.) When Sylvia says she can't see her mom, is that right? She's dark and flat, but isn't she facing Sylvia? There would be her outline then, right? Hm. I'm used to worrying or being freaked out a lot, but I don't recall ever feeling like my food is going to come up on me. But I suppose it's different with everyone, depending on the circumstance. :)

3.) You tell us there's no easy way to get along with the mom when she's a shadow, but why's that? The "especially at dinner time" made me want to know why. I haven't seen a reason yet, but maybe it will come up later.

4.) In the sentence "Those were accidents, sweetie, I stumbled on an entrance, got too close." I think it would be better if there was a period after "sweetie" rather than a comma.

5.) In the sentence "You have no right to take her," would an exclamation be more fitting on the end, rather than a period? It seems like she's saying it in a normal spoken sentence with the period.

6.) In "She reached for Sylvia, hugging her closely" and "Mrs. Nee asked, wrapping her arms around Sylvia" you have the exact same thing going on. She hugged her the first time, and it didn't say anything about her letting go or stepping back or whatnot, so there's no need for that second sentence.

7.) The sentence "Never having been in a fight in real life, she didn't want to start one now, instead she looked at her clenched fists" sounds off. Maybe cut it down by putting in "a real fight" and a period after "now". Then you could start a new sentence at "instead". Slight remake (my personal opinion, of course): Never having been in a real fight, she didn't want to start one now. Instead, she looked at her clenched fists.

8.) I think "weak kneed" should have a hyphen connecting the two words.

9.) Personal preference, really, but I believe "ok" should either be "OK" or "okay."

10.) In the sentence "Twenty minutes later Mrs. Nee had packed Sylvia's suitcase and assured her...," I believe there should be a comma after "later".

11.) In the very last sentence, I think instead of "headed to" it could be "headed for the train station." I don't know, it's just that something sounds odd. Either could work, I suppose.

*****

Good chapter! Nicely done. I had a hard time finding anything wrong with it; just simple nit-picks and whatnot, though a couple things you might want to elaborate a bit more on. (Such as he mom turning into a shadow, that I was confused on.) Hm, I do have one other thing to point out, and that's having commas in some places, but not in others. Such as before a name. Below are some examples of what I'm talking about.

"There'll be no more signing homework, sweetie."
"Please tell it to stop, Mom."
"They won't hurt me, honey."
"Flip it over, dear."

In the examples above, you have the commas before a name/nickname.

"Come on mom, let's get out of here." (Should "mom" be capitalized, as she's using it as an actual name?)
"How long have you been on your own my dear?"
"I'm sorry sweetie."

In the examples above, you don't have a comma before the name/nickname. It kind of stands out from time to time, and you might want to watch out for them.

Besides all of that, I could find nothing else wrong, really. Looking forward to reading the next chapter! :)

hey, been meaning to get to you {so to speak} for some time. on watchlist and will comment very soon. really like the first chapters....you re a very skilful wroter, that can be seen from the outset...good luck karen...

Look, I'm hungover today and can hardly focus on the keyboard. But this boko was great and deserves to be fully up the charts. It's not quite my thang, but I ain't a youngster and they seem to dig all this fantasy stuff. And you create a world and characters beautifully. Good stuff. SHELVIED.

the narrative style is beautiful. Tight, correctly-paced and touching. The story seems to light up.
Shelving.
Hattie
xx

Hi KC, Just finished you book and found it delightful. Just the kind of story young adults love to read. It has a place on my shelf. eddie

Karen - Let me be the bazillionth person to wish you congratulations and good luck with the editors.

I've been a member of authonomy for about three weeks, and I've had The Shadow Map on my bookshelf since day one. It was one of the first books that I explored on this site, and it hooked me from the get-go.

I've since read each of the novel's nine chapters, and each has given me new and wonderful reasons to keep this book shelved. This is fiction that embraces the sinister and seems to understand fully that children enjoy the dark and ominous just as much as we adults do - maybe even more so!

I have one suggestions that I hope might prove constructive. I see that many of the readers before me have loved the opening scene's breakneck pace, and while I like the way you've dropped the reader right down into the action, this opening chapter feels short on character development. It feels like you've used chapter one to give us the hook and chapter two to introduce our protagonists. By the end of the second chapter, I felt I knew a great deal about each of the children. I didn't feel that same familiarity with Slyvia in the book's beginning, though the kinetic energy of the prose was enough to keep me reading.

Good luck again, Karen. I hope you'll consider checking out my book The Reaper King - it's similarly concerned with the darker side of Faerie!

Hi Karen.
I have put your book on my watchlist to read some of it in a few days time. Hope you have some luck with the editors. Best wishes. Terry

right Fran, on site is the way. great opening. don't read much in this genre, but the prose is tight, the pace right.
on my shelf!
best, andy

Hey Karen: finally got around to reading on the site (I've been sick). I liked it! I can really feel Sylvia's pain over her mother's disappearance and her surreal situation at Beech Mtn. Whoosh reminds me of either Ct. Olaf or Willy Wonka: he seems both sinister and yet comical all at the same time, making for an interesting mix. I don't think that Missy is all that over the top: where I live kids can be that pampered and a writer is allowed to punch it up just a little!
Good luck with the editors and I hope you get some good news!
Shannon

I love the idea. Brilliant economical cinematic first chapter. You pick the right words at the crucial moments: "goggled" and "dark crater" spark interest. Great attention to detail from the start. All the tiny important points are in place and the cumulative impression is that the reader is understood. Mrs Nee is a terrific character. I like the "unmistakable voice" of the landlord. But the main achievement in the opening is the sense conveyed through Sylvia that the two at the door are not to be trusted, or not what they appear to be. This makes me want to read on. "They're coming for you!" Scary! Well done.

Hi Karen, Great job. It's a wonderful story... good luck!

Hello Karen,
What a great story. You have done an excellent job bringing Sylvia and her mother to life.

Hi Karen
Thanks for the reminder!
YA is not my usual reading material, but I loved this story. I was drawn in from the start - it was so visual. Your first sentence grabbed me and held me!
Unlike one of your other commentators, I found the character of Missy really believable - a kind of spoilt Alicia Silverstone! I'm really intrigued by what is going to happen, so after putting Shadow's Map on my shelf, I'll return for more!
Good luck with this (though I see you might not need it any more!)
Best wishes
Alison

I've read most of the first chapter and it is gripping! I love it, cant wait to read more. My kids would love this, I think I might share it with them. :)

Megan

Karen,

I actually read chapter one about a month ago, so when you asked for a swap, I read chapter two.

Since you are days from the editor's desk, I want to focus on what I think needs to be fixed. My previous review focused on what works. Please understand, I'm really trying to help.

Chapter 2 is problematic for me in a few areas: Missy is too over the top. All of the phones and the way she talks is too superficial even for Paris Hilton. Can you tone her down just a little? Her snooty attitude is fine, but she's just too overblown. I had to wonder why kids who were so wealthy were riding a train instead of a plane, but that's really nitpicky.

"The two angrier eyes and four pairs of eyes" seemed a little awkward. I had to read twice over to figure it out. "Broke a nail and her favorite color"-- hm, broke her favorite color and what is an "I'm not really a waitress color"-- I may be missing something, but am I missing something that the general pubic understands? Sylvia calls Adam annoying and it made me not like her when I very much want to like her. He's the kindest person she's met and he tries to make things easier for her, but she finds him annoying? Seemed uncharacteristically harsh.

The chapter is best when you go into Sylvia's private thoughts and her reading of the diary. The diary entries were really good and advanced the plot quite a bit.

I really like the premise of your story and I think Sylvia with the addition of Adam, and MIssy for comic relief, will make an engaging story with just a bit of spit and polish added in.

Best of luck,

ML

Hi Karen,
this is a fabulous, intriguing idea and certainly something my teenage daughter wants to read. You have an engaging protagonist and nicely paced plot.
You've really worked hard on The Shadow's Map and deserve to be on the desk. I read an instruction from one new member to another that they should take your lovely story off their shelf in order to bump another. I'm fairly certain you know to which tale I refer. What bad form!
I am shelving your book and will leave it there in the hope that it will help but am sorry that I didn't do so it when my TSR was 120, not so long ago.
All the very best to you!
JL

I started reading your book. It is original and very intrigung concept. I can;t wait to read the entire book.

Best first sentence I have seen in a long time! This is a fascinating premise. I can see why this is so high up on the chars. I love the children (yes, even Missy) and you buld an exquiste sense of mystery right from the get-go.

My one criticism is that the adults who are introduced all seem much too... hasty. The landlord leaves Sylvia alone with a strange woman without a second thought. The driver tells Adam and Missy that they were never wanted in the first place. Woosh jumps through topics like circus lion jumping through hoops. I know that part of this is the mystery. They are't sharing the information that they know and they probably don't see the need to explain themselves to anyone... let alone children But I think it might help the flow (and possibly add a bit of credibility) if you took a bit more time while introducing the adults. They don't need as much time as the children (They"re obviously not main characters) but they should seem to have as much life as your MCs. My suggestion would be to add a little to their interactons. Facial expressions. Tone of voice. Quirks in behavior that sneak through as they talk (the driver's bent back fingers was an excellent touch. More of that woud be lovely).

You've done an amazing job with this. Good luck! Shelved.

Hi Karen,

I really enjoyed this story. I'm not usually a fan of fantasy as much of it goes a bit over the top for my tastes. But this is so well written and so compelling I had to read it all and I'm left wanting more.

What really pulled me in is the believability. I know you're supposed to suspend reality while reading fantasy, but I usually find myself being shot right out of the story by something so way out that even in 'reading mode' I'm left questioning the feasibility. With your story that didn't happen once. Everything in the story fits so well and it 'feels' right.

I'd love to know what happens next. Great story and well written, and I believe it will have a much wider appeal that just children/YA. It gets an outing on my shelf.

Hi Karen,
The reviews from the children involved in the World book day project have arrived.

May (aged 11) wrote:

I have just read the first chapter of The Shadow's Map. it seems to me that you like repeating words over again and i wondered why. The book seems to be quite forward-going and inviting. You may probably have been aiming this at 11-12 year olds however it seems that there must be a lot of fatasy in it so girls may like it. Some people may think fairies are babyish. Overall i would say the book is inviting and read it if you like fantasy.

I actually came to your book by accident, Karen, but it was a fortuitous one for me. What a delightful - and unusual - story. Smacks of Philip Pullman who is my favourite children's writer - although, like you, his stories don't seem to have age parameters.

Marko

Damn cool book, Sylvia reminds me of Lyra Belacqua.

Hi there Karen,

I want to start by saying this book derserves all the support it's getting. You have an unusual and interesting pitch and you write well, with good pace, dialogue and characterisation. I think this book would appeal to young and old alike.

A couple of things I noted as I read. Once or twice I feel you overstate a point. Really you need to have confidence in your writing. A couple of examples; At one point you write 'Sylvia didn't get it.' when it is perfectly obvious from the rest of the paragraph that she doesn't get it. Ditto later on when you mention that Sylivia is 'furious at herself for not trying harder....' You could leave both these sentences out and nothing would be lost and the writing would be tightened up a bit.

Also I think you use the word 'feel' a little too much. At one point you say something about Sylvia 'feeling like she wanted to scream' (I'm sorry I seem to have lost the exact quote and this thing won't let me cut and paste, so I might be misquoting here but I'm sure you know the section I'm talking about) I wonder what's wrong with just 'wanting to scream'.

I am of course no pro and this may have more to do with my style than anything else, so feel free to ignore all I've said!

Anyway this is going onto my shelf. I'm off to find room now.
Take care and good luck with this! (Although I don't think you need it!)
Mandy
X

great pitch! we're definitely interested, send us an email!

Well, I'm not a child anymore but this compelling book just drew me in. It's wonderfully written in simple, spare prose. You can just picture the little girl as her mother fades. The mark of a good book is that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach; I love it and will make time to read it all. Where are the publishers!
Well done Karen Carr.

Hi Karen,

I've just read the first few pages of this, and I really enjoyed it! I love the first line - it's such an attention grabber. And your dialogue is brilliant! When this gets published, I look forward to seeing adults reading it on the tube! ;o) I'm shelving you, for sure!

Love Julie Xxx

I enjoyed what I read so far of your book, I know it is one my kids would enjoy... Good luck, and best wishes, stacey