In Search of a Memory

You know what, for someone who admits to not such a good education, you pen a fine tale. I like your style and you have pitched the pace nicely. It kind of throws you that first bit, when the dog gets hurt- nice touch when James is surprised with the girl's response. It was the first para (prologue?) that hooked me- I am intrigued with the idea of Self-destruction amongst those who are artistically gifted (hence my Avatar). This work is nice and sharp Roy and I believe you really have something here.
I have not yet had the pleasure of visiting the States yet but I write a lot about them. Would you take a look at Hellion 2 for me please, there's a chapter about a lad from Louisiana that I am keen to get right- i would appreciate your take.

many thanks

Regards

Cyrus

Thrilling opener. I like the way you start off with a short situation and then jump to another situation in the very beginning. it keeps the reader interested.
Your writing develops things well.
The cover is promising for the book itself.
Good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please, when you have time, take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

In Search of Memory. That's a fascinating pitch (though you dont need the 's in 'paintings').
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits - hope you dont mind.

Ch.1. Starting any paragraph with an adverb is not advisable - and 'quickly' is one of those unnecessary words which can safely be left out and actually enhance the flow of your writing by its absence.
'She strutted through the streets' is well-enough said without the rest of the sentence.
Other words which could be search and deleted: nice, very just, immediately, began, soon almost (Ch.2) really, actually.
Also it might be wise to search your multiple adjectives and decide if some of them are absolutely necessary. Too many detract from the flow of your story.
You have repeated 'attitude' four times in the space of three lines!

The characters of James and Susan are introduced in an interesting manner, and I click onto the next chapter with anticipation.

Ch.2. There are other repetitive words / phrases you might consider deleting. For example, 'James jogged across the street.' by itself is enough to give the reader the idea that he was in a hurry.

But I'll try to concentrate on your story now, and forget about the nits.
You describe their thoughts and emotions well through dialogue and action. And I am warming to both of the characters. But, with James, I am slightly taken aback that she invites him into her house at only their second meeting!

Ch.3. I catch James's interest in the small paintings, but the scene would be better described if you remained either in James's or in Susan's point of view. Switching between the two is a bit disorienting for the reader: where James felt awkward - then Susan thought....
Perhaps you could think about avoiding the word paint / paintings where you can? It gets a bit monotonous.

You have an appealing way of depicting emotion and creating suspense, and the plot is developing nicely.

There is much editing needed, but we all have to do it. I've re-written mine countless times, and still havent stopped. But it's always worth it in the end.

I've enjoyed getting to know your characters and the seamless way in which you reveal them, and feel I want to know how the relationship developes - which is exactly what you want to achieve in a book.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

This is very intriguing! I have only read three chapters, and I will read on. I am wondering what in the world Susan is doing with all these paintings, and where it will lead. There is a charming chemistry between the two characters, too. Very well done.

Elizabeth Buhmann
The Made-Up Man

Dear Roy,

I’ve read the first two chapters of your story. While I enjoyed them immensely, I thought that it’d be in your best interest if I offered some constructive criticism as well. But please remember that I’m no expert and this is just my humble opinion.

It’s better not to start with ‘strange spirit’. There’s also a little wordiness, e.g. painting, painted and then paintbrush.
You can always try something like –

#There was a strange voice inside her head. Against her will, it took control of her…
#The painting remained incomplete as the paintbrush slipped from her fingers...

I was left wanting at the end of the creepy opening. There’s really an opportunity to build on this. Show us a little more.
What colours did she choose? What was she painting? Was she sweating? Were her hands trembling? What happened finally? Did she collapse unconscious or did she go into a seizure?

I really liked the part when the poodle got hit and James got a brief glimpse of Susan’s inner self. But, it seemed a bit odd when James forgot all about her later on. He was obviously quite smitten by her. But overall, the characterisation is fine. And the dialogue is real. You’ve used it effectively to tell us more about the characters, especially the part where they meet the second time.
The chapter ended with the right hook that’ll prompt further reading.

The story reads well for the most part. Apart from a few instances of repetition and some sentences that may read better with a little restructuring, the writing is fine. I look forward to reading more of this intriguing story.

* * * * *

Best regards,
AGC

In Search of a Memory is a fine tale with a lot of edgy elements that help to set it apart from the pack of similar finding-oneself type of tales. The element of the unfinished painting and the demonic voice urging the main character to create it brings to mind H.P. Lovecraft’s subtly creepy works and compelled me to move forward even though a book like this seems to be outside my normal comfort zone. I would almost suggest that this angle be played up even more. The opening paragraph is great, but I wonder if it could be expanded with the tortured woman being compelled to add more crimson hues and sickly greens to the portrait which is never really glimpsed in full. Keep the reader guessing by adding elements like odd colors or talking about a shape, but not really saying what it is until much later. That first paragraph really hooked me to keep reading to see what was happening, and its value is great for that. More would be better I think.

Author Roy Belletete writes people well and has a real skill at realistic dialog. Everyone in the story speaks naturally based on their social status, motivations and their relationship with other characters in the same scene. In Search of a Memory flows best when the story is being told through character interactions, but it reads well throughout.

The mystery here is revealed slowly, in bits and pieces as part of the story, a final component that makes In Search of a Memory an enjoyable read that will stick in people’s minds for a long time.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

i liked your opening. i liked how how he watches her and can automatically tell certain traits that she has. i like how you described things. i could see everything in my head. one thing i think you should watch for is just grammer in general. awkward phrasing, misuse of commas, missing commas, that sort of thing. just little nitpicks. another thing i thought i would point out is that your chapters are really short. i would suggest adding a little bit more to your descriptions or combining some chapters.

i wish you the best of luck with this,
melissa :)
Gut Instincts
Not So Sweet Sixteen

An interesting premise. Chapter one has an intriguing, slightly disconcerting opening. I wondered if you could make it more spooky or lyrical – a bigger hook for the reader? Similarly, the end of the first interaction between James and Susan – can it be more open ended, encouraging the reader to read on?

I noticed one obvious typo (see below), but overall thought you might want to have a think about sentence structure and the flow of the same. The story is told in a simple style, which leaves room for a little more creativity and smoothness of flow, if you wished.

Nit noticed:
“He had never spoken with (the) young woman”

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

I haven't had time to read it all, but you've intrigued me, and I certainly want to know what happens.

I think your pitches might be letting you down a bit at the moment. The ideas are there, but if you could put them across more clearly I think it might help.

Susan and James are good characters. They seem poles apart in some ways, but I get the feeling that James's own insecurities will be the key to helping Susan sort out her life. You've given us the first clue as to how she reached this point, and I'll be interested to see how it's resolved.

Your writing style is highly individual and most appealing. You do need to be careful not to attach descriptive or qualifying phrases to the wrong noun - for example 'she got in while holding the poodle in her arms that was bleeding.' I isn't difficult to work out that it's the poodle doing the bleeding, not her arms, but it would flow more easily if you reworked sentences like this so that the meaning's not in doubt. I'd also question your use of 'while' in the sense of a character doing something 'while' doing something else. It feels awkward to me, but that might just be personal preference.

Good luck with it. It's a good story.
Helen Meikle
Six Weeks in Summer.

It’s a good idea, and the synopsis is engaging, although a bit haphazard. Obsession is a great subject, but is the opening paragraph meant to be an overview of the entire novel? The use of a, “strange spirit” doesn’t engage. It’s too vague. A voice would command her, not a thought.

In the next paragraph, there’s a welcome bit of action. A woman is walking her dog. It’s a little white poodle with a pink bow. She scolds the dog. That’s fine. But then the point of view shifts to, “He gazed at her.” What? The dog gazed at her?

That “he” appears to refer to the dog because in my mind, the woman is still looking at the dog after she scolded it. She walks the dog, she sees the bow, she scolds the dog. Shifting points of view are very confusing. I just found it too bewildering after that. I really wanted it to continue with the woman’s point of view.

Best wishes - Ian

Dear Roy,

I've read your first chapter today. Excellent job with the opening. I especially loved the immediate plunge right into the action. The internal dialogue of James is also very well done, giving the reader a sympathetic glimpse into his life. In addition, your realistic approach to detail contributes greatly to the overall engaging tone of this piece (ie: "marginally sucessful"). Very well done. Wishing you every success.

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

Very well written story you have here. Your long pitch is catchy and your flow is very nice and smooth. I rated it very high.

Hi :)
Read your first chapter. It flows nicely and I enjoyed it, so I'll be back later to read another. You have a talent for describing things. Your characters seem real and easy to relate to. I didn't notice any typos. When I get room on my WL, I'll add this. Highly rated and best of luck to you. Have a blessed day!

Trista

Nice introduction to your characters, that are well rounded and convincing.
The dialogue adds to your writing and fills out this well written piece.
Well-written ending to the chapters that I fell will entice readers to carry on into the next chapter.
I found this a very good read, which is easy to read.
Well done

Roy,

James is a good guy in all his vulnerability, and to see Susan eventually open up to him was a victory I was happy to celebrate. Your characters, as well as the easy flowing story is what make this book a very pleasant read. I found myself enjoying the wholesomeness of Susan and James’s relationship and gave a sigh of relief when he was able to overlook their quirky start and give Susan a second and third chance.
My interest is piqued as to how this will all turn out. Will James help Susan discover the story behind her paintings and the reason for her bizarre compulsion. I hope so. He seems like just the guy she needs.

I noticed a couple times James gave up his spot to Susan’s point of view. Here’s the sentences where her thoughts intruded on his world. Chapter 2? “Susan felt her heart softening slightly by his honesty.“
And chapter 3? “Susan thought that if she was going to make him a friend…“

Written in a straightforward, no-nonsense prose, your book lures the reader without any obvious effort. I’d pack this in my bag along with my sunscreen and towel and head to the beach for an enjoyable mental getaway! Highly starred.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Roy, I like your story. You got me hooked in the first couple of paragraphs. James chance to speak to her showed up rather unexpectedly, and you handled the encounter really well. Will the story be told mainly thru James eyes? If so, then you need to correct a place or two where the story is seen thru Susan's eyes. I didn't find any other typos or errors. It will be enjoyable to watch these two as they begin their relationship. Good job so far!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

You catch my interest by introducing us to two real human beings with problems that I'd like to explore with them--instead of trying to lure us with some low-life stuff. You honor and respect the reader with this approach, and I thank you for it.

I love the story here. The plot is intriguing and the writing is strong. As I read, I had some ideas to strengthen this even more.

The opening scene is eerie and serves as a good hook, but I think it would be even stronger if polished and not so passive. For example (and this still needs some work, too): "She fought against a spirit that filled her mind, took over her thoughts and controlled her hands. It commanded her to choose a paintbrush. As it guided her without consent, she became lost inside her mind. A sickness latched onto her. The paintbrush fell from her hand. She never finished the painting." It resolves the passive voice, fixes the typos (it's should be its), and cuts unnecessary words ("her" before "consent"). I think the first sentence could be stronger, too, if you showed her struggle against the spirit. Right now it doesn't seem like she fought it.

How about: "scolded the dog."

"as she walked by" instead of "as she would walk by." Tighten this where possible by cutting unnecessary words.

Eyes, hair, and a sexy walk have nothing to do with a nice figure, but when you use the colon this way, you're implying that these all make her figure nice. Also, can you show us what she looks like rather than tell us? She was gorgeous and she was slender doesn't give me a very good picture of what she looks like. If you can, help your reader see it.

Cut "that" from "He could tell that she had an attitude." Also from "James didn't know that she was bitchy however." Always read a sentence without "that." If it still makes sense, then leave it out.

"all-about-me attitude" needs to be hyphenated since those three words are describing her attitude as a single adjective. Same with "better-than-anyone-else."

Should be: That morning he watched as she stopped..." Then I'd put a period after "crossing the street" and start a new sentence with "Her dog darted..." A lot of these changes will simply improve the flow.

James comes off as creepy. If he's going to be a main character, you might consider toning down the creepy factor. I think it's mostly because the only thing we know about him until the very end of the chapter is that he watches Susan walk by every morning. I know that's not all he does, but it comes off that way.

So James was the first one to her despite having to race down the steps of his apartment and across the street? Nobody else stopped to help? Or are the streets not crowded? Perhaps a bit more development of the atmosphere would clear this up?

Can you show us what she's doing after the dog gets hit? Shouldn't she be frantic? Instead she seems extremely calm as James checks to see how she is. This improves with "Where is it? I need to get..." but I wonder if you can show us her expression or the tone of her voice?

James continues to be unlikeable. Her dog's foot just got run over and could very well be shattered and all he cares about is getting to know the woman's name. He'd be a lot more likeable if he would actually show some concern for the girl's dog.

Stronger word choice than got? Got can mean just about anything. For example, what comes to mind when you hear, "She went to the store and got crabs." Let's hope she bought those crabs, but we'll never know. Be specific. There's always a stronger verb.

The vet is ten minutes away? Where do they live? I live in a pretty small suburb in Phoenix and there's multiple vets within a ten minute radius. I know it's being particular, but this took me out of the story.

"Look, Jimmy, I'm sure you're a really..."

"The rest of the trip passed in silence."

"At first James was put off by the forced silence, after all he was going out of his way for her" is both passive and an incomplete thoughtt. You never finish the thought.

Avoid the repetition of "light" in "light brown hair" and "lightly tanned skin."

How ungrateful of Susan. She's even more unlikeable than James.

Avoid "James saw, James felt, James heard..." Just show us what he sees. "As she walked swiftly toward the vet's office, he wondered if he..."

Should be: "Mr. Conright, dressed in one of his expensive suit coats and silk tie, was talking..." Also, can you maybe give us a better visual with a stronger verb than "was talking?" It would help characterize him right away if we knew how he was talking.

Looking back at these comments, I sound harsher than I intended. Don't be misled. I really enjoyed your story. There's a lot of like here. I'm intrigued by the opening scene, wanting to know more about your characters' lives, and impressed with most of the writing. With a tad more work, this could be outstanding. Best of luck with this!

As promised I have updated my shelf and you are now on it. Denise, much continued success.

I like the way you planned this story and gave the characters an interesting background. Your just need to fill in some of the blanks to make this sizzle.

A few more details are needed. What was she wearing? What was James wearing? It sounds like he hasn’t had much luck with women, is it that he’s unattractive or he’s socially impaired? Describe the city a bit more to set the scene.

The dialog between Susan and James in chapter 2 doesn’t sound natural. Try reading it out like. Something’s not right. Maybe you could have them say it a different way. Try to skip some of the small talk between them.

Did James just blow off work to hang with her? Isn’t he worried he’ll get fired for being late again? Why is his boss taking it easy on him?

A more detailed description of the paintings is needed. Her personality should really come through in them. The descriptions should have an emotion impact.

You've got a good framework in place here to work with. This should turn out great. I'll back it.

Brian
Mute

Roy - I idid a speed red through the book. I will go back over it in traditional fashion but I wanted to get a feel for the story. I think it is a great, well written, warm, and compelling story that establishes some traditional morality in an era of chaos. I am very taken with it and am going to rate it highly and put it up on my book shelf. Good luck and let me know what I can do to help in the future,

gpview
D. Earl Cripe, PhD

This starts off very nicely...I definitely wanted to keep reading. This could use some editing here and there, mostly due to comma usage and a few awkward constructions, but James' and Susan's personalities really shine through...it doesn't take long to feel a connection with them (although because of how she's presented, it takes a little longer with Susan).
Best of luck!
Emily

Really enjoyed the chapters that I read, Really interesting style of writing! Would be good if you could check my book out and see what you think! Thanks

Hi. I only had time to brows through your work. I found the story interesting and plan to return for more reading and a detailed comment. As I’m very much pressed for time, tell me which chapter you want me to pay special attention to.
Meanwhile, could you please check TO KILL A DEAD MAN? I will appreciate it.
Dan

Thank you again for your comment on my book, I must admit I too am not the person for a sound literary critique, but as I aspire to be an editor at some point in my life, I will attempt it to the best of my abilities.

Not to be nit-picky, but there are a few grammatical errors in the first two chapters that while they do not take away from the story at all, could be polished over. There is a tense change in your first paragraph, and a few added/missing words sprinkled through out the rest of the first and second chapter.

As for the storyline, just with what I've seen in the full pitch I believe this book to be very promising, and reading into it further did nothing to disappoint this expectation. Your writing style is so original, but yet not odd or seemingly out of place. James and Susan play off of each other nicely, and I'm very curious to see how their relationship progresses through out the book.

One thing I might suggest however, is that you present a bit too much within your first two chapters, you present your information very nicely and soundly, but it reads almost as if an essay, and not a story where there is always mystery and discovery involved when relating to a character. Maybe when one reads further there is more to discover, but I am not far enough to know, and do not have time as of present to read any further.

All of this being said, I think this book has a lot of promise, and would be happy to shelf it. Excellent writing,
God bless,
E.R

hi Roy,
I read 1-6 and the time just flew. I like James, he is so normal and at the same time so much what every woman wants, - interested, appreciative, deep, and determined who washes his hands!!!! and tries not to spill coffee. How could one not love him? And Susan is the true incarnation of beauty on earth, yet with that capricious streak which makes her so attractive. Brilliant characterisation. I'm reading on. Backed.

I've read the first three chapters and I've got to say, I'm impressed. I love the way it's written, it has a power and charisma about it and flows wonderfully. In my experience, when my friends write about attractive female characters, they also make them sterotypical and one dimentional, but here, you've subverted the stereotype and given her depth and colour.
In the first chapter you show James' personality brilliantly - he has an aversion to arrogance, he's judgemental and insecure - the latter determined by the way he wants people to think Susan is his partner so that his status increases in their eyes. I definately think that most readers will be able to identify with him.
I think you show Susan's personality flawlessly - at first I was thinking, "what a bitch", simply because you show her selfishness and snooty behaviour in glaring detail.
I also like how they are a little similar, in that they both lie about their jobs at first, suggesting that they are both insecure - Susan seems ashamed of her cleaning job and James seems to be desperate to gain Susan's approval by saying that he doesn't work either. It makes me believe that their similarities may play a part in them ending up together later in this novel.
I will read more when I get the time!

I'm interested. I read the first few chapters and I find your characters complex. Good luck! I enjoyed this!!!

I did read, not all, just the first 3 chapters till now ... and it is simply beautiful, couldn't stop myself from backing it.
It's not just the protagonist who paints such beautifully, it's you (Mr. Roy, of course:)) too, as the words form a chain of life, and the prose feels like poetry. Hope to read more of it, and more of you.
Peace ... and good luck.

Hi Roy. Many thanks for your message. I've just read your first chapter and it's exceptionally good on how you can be attracted to someone yet repelled at the same time. All the best, Mark

Roy,
I love how Susan and James meet. While I was concerned for the dog at first, I realized this mishap was going to bring two people together who would otherwise have remained strangers. Susan has a complex psychology. She can seem snooty until someone gets to know her which is a challenge. The plot outlined in your synopsis is mesmerizing and I had to pull myself away from this story as I wanted to read more than I had time to. The dialogue is realistic and I could easily imagine the situations from your descriptions. I've rated In Search of a Memory with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story