Defining Moments

I like the premise of the daily grind getting the better of Cathy and her reaction to it. You have a fine, friendly style of writing which invites the reader to read on, and there is just enough happening to make us think life isn't going to be like this all the time. I'll give it a spell on my bookshelf.

The voice is one I've never encountered before. The style is positively unique and I can't fault it at all. I think you've stepped way out the box on this one but I like it. Then again, I'm kind of strange in that way. ;-)

You know what? This made me sit up and take notice. I know I like it. I don't know if it works for the publishers who want everything rammed into small boxes, but it surely works for me.

On my shelf, no doubt.

Charity
Your style is marvellous: chatty, funny and compelling. From three chapters, I found no nitpicks, just too many great phrases to mention.
If the story is a good as the writing then this is a sure winner. Glad I saw it before it appears in the bookshops!
Shelved and will come back for more once this crazy month is up.
Best wishes
Chris (I Dare You)

Well, I know who Cathy McIntosh is....she's ME! And that is the absolute beauty of your work! She is sort of the "everywoman". Geez, are you sure you didn't just come look around my house and put it as chapter one? The peanut butter and jelly on the outside of the trash can absolutely got me!

I couldn't tell you if there are any typos or if the grammar is correct, all I can tell you is that I flew through your first 2 chapters with absolute delight and with a growing desire to DO something with my life...hmmm...maybe I'll be a writer!

Love it. Shelved.

Johanna
Scream Out Loud

Wow! Shelved instantly on the strength of that voice, Charity. I didn't even want to nit-pick as I was thoroughly absorbed. Not many folks could pull off a voice like--for most it would turn out like a self-pity party. But not here. This is so funny, I am laughing as I empathize with her. Be careful that you don't stay too long in her head before you move the plot forward. Much of this is character development and the action is quite literally in her head but striking a balance between the inner and outer life will serve you well as you press on to snag an agent.

Also, since I didn't take the time to mess about with edits, I'd recommend that you take a look at your commas. I found that many sentences were run-ons. The best way to find these little monsters is to read the text aloud quite slowly and pay attention to the natural breath pauses that you take. These will probably be the best spots for commas.

All best to you!
~Cheri =)

Charity,

You describe superbly the vicious circle of everyday life, the dreariness of the routine and the feeling of being forlorn and forgotten.
As you put it: “It’s exhausting just thinking about it.” – with the chores, every day is the same.

I loved the sentence: “Those who have loved me left scars, and their words have poisoned me.” – the poignancy is conveyed so masterfully. And of course, the fall makes me wanna read more.

Reading and enjoying further.
Kindest regards and thank you for being with me,
Ivan.

I absolutely love this - your pitch is perfect - one of the best here- and you have crafted a wonderful story with a little of everything. I wish I wrote this! You have a real gift for dialogue - so sharp and down to earth. There is nothing I can say to make this book better and to top it off - it's all here! God bless you Charity and good luck - this should do well!

BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

Oh my god, how many parallels are there between the main character and my own life? This could be any one of us.

I had empathy from the first paragraph - this is the best book I've read on this site to date and really hope it makes it to a real book. I would buy it.

In the meantime, I've backed it.

Andy (Fortitude)

Love it... similar to my book, even the title, but Cathy very much does seem to hate her life so much more than Ali (my main character) although you have Mount Wrinkle, I have Mount Ironing... Lego bricks too. These are the everyday woes of so many parents. You feel empathic towards her situation but the comical edge takes away the harshness of a desperate situation. Definetly a book I would go out & buy & curl up & read to the end, missing a friend once I'd finished. I wish you the very best of luck with it. kind regards pinkcoffee 'In The Moment'

The writing is fluid

You do a great job with the descriptions

I think you made some great choices with the characters and dialogue

People will find this book very relatable

Best wishes

Scott

The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

I'm afraid that we all know people like Cathy. Your writing is very engaging. Backed.

What a wonder way you have of putting "the voice" - the one we all hear in our heads - down in writing! I was right there with you, bitching, moaning, crying, wise-cracking, putting myself down, and laughing at it all, until I realized, "hey", that's ME she's talking about.

I think you have the right voice, style, and perhaps personal philosophy and experience (?) to make this do well. I'm looking forward to reading more, AFTER I back this!

Finally returning your read - sorry it's taken so long, but as my life is pretty like the first chapter, sure you'll understand! I loved the first few pages, you really vocalise all those feelings of resentment that it's so easy to slip into when you're at home all day. And I like that you quickly move Cathy away from this because otherwise she'd become annoying. My only slight critism is that it sometimes reads a bit self-helpy, but it's something that could be easily rectified. Backed.
Araminta (When Everything and Nothing Makes Sense)

The premise was marvelous. You have a fine narrative voice and can tell a good story. The writing style is clear and engaging, and there's plenty of good things to make the reader keep going forward. Backed.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Hi Charity, your voice is very unique...I felt like we were engaged in a conversation, very strong, very entertaining.

great job!

backed.

Very clever! Great fun! I enjoyed the read immensely. Oh to be Cathy. Head-bump and all.
Backed! Barbara Silkstone The Secret Diary of Alice in Wonderland, Age 42 and Three-Quarters

Charity,

Nice clear conversational style and an engaging story. I think everyone can relate to Cathy.

Nicely done.

Shelved.

Laurie – Into The Master’s Lair

Charity
I started to read this, I think I might have done so before , like eons ago, but couldn't be bothered to check it out, and I'd made a couple of notes by the time the text became familiar......

dwarves....typo.......dwarfs......thought I'd point that out as its in your opening..

cyclone mess.....conjured great imagery,,,might use that myself...

know (that) all is going.......know all is going.......(no need for that)
(just) pisses me off.........pisses me off....(no need for just)

Do a word check on 'that' and 'just' I stopped looking as it takes my focus from the story...

The thinking Cathy says.....I am......I will
The speaking Cathy says.....I'm......I'll............
you may not care but thought I'd mention it.....

Enjoiyed the read, hope my comment helps, best of luck with this...
Shelved with good wishes for 2010....

Defining Moments
Charity Shindle

Charity,
As I read Ch One, I had this sneaky feeling you were describing the nightmare role not only of your heroine Cathy but of housewives in general – although I thought not specifically the bored ones, or the desperate ones, but simply the everyday, normal ones who realise and quite validly so, that doing the laundry, slipping on the lego pieces left lying around, doing the dusting and the dishwashing and other mundane domestic tasks on and on, unending as it were, could not have been the universe’s design for anyone’s role in life. A cogent beginning as I felt Cathy lived in some kind of hell and felt very sorry for her.. Great chapter with a nice light, entertaining tone and it is easy to identify with Cathy here - at least for the first part of this chapter. Whether she is unfairly judging her “role” which is often a voluntary one, is another matter so I had to reserve judgment about this and turn to Two… Yet with a slight reservation because before we get to this, we see Cathy’s thoughts apart from simply her repetitive domestic tasks – and we realise she is really feeling sorry for herself. Very clever of you to quickly develop your plot in One, after setting the stage, when she slips on the kitchen floor, and gets up from her fall with her face tingling, to make a cup of tea. Her thoughts overwhelm her. She’s fat and depressed and has been scarred by those who love her, poisoned by their words – she doesn’t know how she has gotten to that point and doesn’t feel like herself anymore. Here I thought she was simply lonely and I wasn’t sure at this exact point whether to sympathise with her or pity her. In Ch Two it is obvious that Cathy has hurt her back and surprisingly, she is inconsiderate when her husband Jonah shows concern, snapping at him. He reacts by leaving and slamming the door shut. Here I was beginning to think, “What’s really going on with her?!” Sympathy for her waning by the minute! But not really, as it quickly builds up again and one accepts her for who she is – simply human. More sympathy is created with the knowledge of her doctor’s visits, and the fact revealed at the end of Two that she is excited about the prospect that she may have a friend in Betsy. Your long pitch regards the slip on the floor as a defining moment and armed with her new best friend Betsy, she sets about to build the life she desires. I am looking forward to reading on to see how Cathy’s new motivation affects her reality. I think this is well written, hugely entertaining and I am sure there will be many readers who will be thoroughly entertained by it – but not only entertained as I also get a sense that there are lessons to be learnt from Cathy's experiences.

Happy to back this and best wishes for success with it Charity,
Zan

Oh I can see I'm going to love this. I stopped after reading chapter one to write this comment and back straight away. Oh how I feel for Cathy, I could relate so much to her inner thoughts and feelings...

Elizabeth the house banchee! Love it! There are many lines like this to love and I've only read the first chapter.

I will be reading on and can see there is a lot posted so I will be able to enjoy this at my leisure after I add it to my favourites list. Bravo!

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

I read your chapter 12 at random. The relationship with Jonah and Cathy is very sweet - the love is evident in his comments and encouragement. The ending of the chapter is very satisfying. Nice work

Dear Charity Shindle,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I skipped to chapter ten to cover new ground and was rewarded by an endearing portrayal of a mother worried her daughter will be embarrassed by her. I suspect her worry is causing her side ache. You build good rapport between mother and daughter, with the mother teasing the daughter by calling her “Lizzard”. I enjoy the protagonist’s humor, such as “We did it right as kids. We hung out in the streets!” and “When I first heard them talk about ‘emo kids’ I thought they were referring to ‘Elmo’.” You end the chapter with a very effective and tender scene between husband and wife.

I prefer it when direct addresses are separated by commas in quotes, such as “Hey, Bob!” This is not something that happens consistently in your text. Also, you may have written a number wrong, as Liz has $80, and her sister has $20, and they’re supposed to not have enough for a $62 kit.

These small matters aside, I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

Great style. Enjoyed your characterisation very much. Solid descriptive powers define Defining Moments.
Chick lit is fast becoming my favourite genre..... whatever next?

BACKED

Your style is so personal, and since the book is in the first person, it's Cathy's voice, and it tells us all about her straightaway. Cathy is someone really easy to relate to. What woman hasn't felt some of the things she talks about at the start? The only difference is that Cathy feels like this all the time, but that's easy enough to understand. Then she meets Betsy, and Betsy accepts her as she is and makes Cathy feel okay about herself. I've raced through the first half dozen chapters, and plan to read more, for I've been enjoying it greatly. For a book with such a natural, amusing air, you in fact deal with a lot of serious things, and deal with them well. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

I absolutely loved this story. It is sincere and funny, and you can really hear the woman's voice as she rants about her life. I glad she finds a friend in chapter 2. I'll continue reading this one. Best, Sana

I think we all have a little bit of Cathy in us. Had those days where we have nothing nice to say.
This book is gonna fly for one reason, Cathy. She is the perfect MC. She is unique. She is different and she is unhappy. A tortured soul to the extreme.
I was captivated by her voice, and that honestly does not happen often.
In the end I have to back this. There is no option other than a backing for me as I feel for Cathy and being able to make ME feel for a character is a feat all in itself. Well done.
Backed. T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Oh yes, oh yes, this is oh so familiar in my house... love it so far, will read more later, have shelved..

Charity, holy crap! This is so unique. I know so many women think exactly like Cathy, and they probably need to read this. Backed.

We all know someone like this, don't we? You have done a wonderful job of penning this bitter personality trait that seems to feature in almost every office around the country. From your pitch I can see that she tries to turn things around - this is good - I think the book would lose it's appeal if everything worked out for her whilst she is being selfish.

Andrew

Charity - I've been wondering when someone would do a fiction take on the metaphysics behind some of the best bestsellers out there, including The Secret and the Abraham-Hicks books. Have you tried pitching this to Hay House or HJ Kramer and the like? I'd think they'd snap this up in a heartbeat. You've got a very inviting writing style with a heroine that I'd think many could immediately relate to. I want to read more to see how she actually uses the principles in her life - though I did skip to the end and sounds like she pulled it off. Kudos.

Wow, Charity!!

I know this woman.... I think we all know her. She's the one who thinks the world owes her simply because she's alive. What a wonderful knack you have for bringing to life that familiarity!
Placing this on my shelf!

David

Hi Charity
I read the first three chapters. All the errors I spotted have been mentioned already, so no point in repeating them. I have to say I was expecting a bit more comedy, Cathy's life is so depressing, I get the feeling you really understand depression. I have had an insight into that mind set. An interesting read from inside the mind of person teetering on the edge. I'm glad her life is set to pick up, she deserves it. Well done.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

I love your chatty, friendly style. A unique book with much to say about our humanity. I really enjoyed reading it. So I am happy to shelve it.

I loved this, it's funny / sad in it's stark realism, it really brings home what it is lose it. Above all it demonstates the hard work that being a housewife can be. Backed with pleasure
BADD

Charity, IMO you need a hook right off the bat. Something unusual that will grab the reader and drive him/her forward to the next chapter. The first chapter, Cathy in a bad mood, doesn’t do that for me. If this were in a bookstore, I’d pass it up for something more unusual.
Find a hook. Find something to reel in the reader and start off with that. Usually, it’s some life-changing experience where the protagonist’s life is forever changed because of that event. I hope that helps you, but I only have your progress in mind. – Dave A(Visions)

read the first two chapters and this has a great voice and energy. I am not sure what the fall has to do with her epiphany, it seems Betsy is the catalyst rather than the bruise? So this did confuse me a little. I do think this would appeal to many women, i know when i was home full time with my two, i did at times struggle with who i was etc. So i wish you luck with this and will give it some shelf time.

Great book! I can easily imagine this woman: just so strung out and unhappy that she hates everyone. You really convey her, and her vulnerability. I'm rooting for her! I love the writing style too, it flows and has its own personality.

Thank you, Patricia

Great book! I can easily imagine this woman: just so strung out and unhappy that she hates everyone. You really convey her, and her vulnerability. I'm rooting for her! I love the writing style too, it flows and has its own personality.

Thank you, Patricia

This reminds me of my life! I love the way you get across how angry the character is. It's so true to life for many women. Nice to see somebody showing it to the world in such a great style. A great read. Backed.

Sara

Very funny book. My kind of writing, witty and sarcastic all in the same paragraphs hehe. It's kind of like Bridget Jones with a family and a lot funnier :) Shelved with delight.

Bj

Hi there, had shelved this before I went on hols - here's my belated review! I liked the first chapter mainly because there was a manic thread running all the way through it - this lady is not happy in her life, is bored with her lot, and wants to break out of it. Most people have been in situations like that in their lives, be it school, work, parenthood, bad relationships, prison. So there's a lot for people to relate to, first off. And I liked all the mean turns of phrase and ranty bitterness, God forgive me. "The barbie bitch police" and "Peanut the poopinator" made me snicker, I loved the spikiness. Intrigued at the thought of how things will change.

All the best

P

Good first chapter, and the trails and tribulations of the daily grind. I must read on, to see how Cathy faces another day or if something happens to change her world. I will be back.

Ooops! My mistake. Here is the list of comments I meant to send you. But first let me say I loved your book and will shelve it as soon as I finish this note. I'm sure it will go far.
These are a few minor problems I noticed as I read: Dawn = dawned. ..give a crap (that = delete) ...test (add comma) right? good (unless, until = less than clear as written) ...think yet ( add comma) for... ...you know (add comma) ...listen (delete comma) and the time lie (unclear) = the lie he says every morning... ( Add - At that moment ,-- With that thought,) the road to Oz.
I know all this might sound confusing but if you use "find" and type in the word or words you'll be taken right to them. Perhap also a read-through to pick up others further on. This book is too good to be held back by simple problems. This is one I intend to read to the end (when I get the time!) Edie Prides Crossing

I feel for the characters frustration. It seems a bit stilted to me though. Robotic. Perhaps it's the first person speach, I don't know. Flowing sentences are easier to read. Good luck with it though!!
Tammy
The Chimney Still Stands

Wow! What a great story. The reader is right there and can sympathize (from experience?) what the character is going through. I loved it. Still, I found a few problems. May I give you examples? ...day has dawn + dawned
...test (insert comma) ...think yet (insert comma) ...you know (insert comma) ...listen (delete comma) ...and the time lie = and the lie he says every morning ...but who knows, it might one day happen. ...(at that moment , with that thought, = insert something to bridge the thought) the road to Oz...
Somewhere below someone commented "I don't know if it works for the publishers..." I believe it will. Take a moment, read through and tighten up your sentences. Then it should surely sail through because the entire presentation is so original and true to life.
If you get a chance, and I hope you do, please have a look at my book, Prides Crossing. It has benefited a great deal from reader's suggestions. I hope you like it and let me know. If not, let me know anyway and I'll see what I can do to further improve it. Thanks. I'm putting your book on my watch list. If you make the changes necessary for a smoother "read" let me know. I'll then shelve it happily. Edie

Sensitive, real, and at times laugh out loud. Difficult to pigeonhole this one, but it's all the better for it! Shelved!

I wasn't sure if this would be more funny or serious, reading the first chapter. As the chapter moved on, and into ch 2, I found the very serious subject and tone. Maybe, to keep the reader in the correct mindset, warn us that she's depressed at the start, the way it begins now, it could be any slightly exhasperated person waking up to an ordinary life... but Cathy is beyond this. Well written, I did like the wry comments, and feel compassion for poor Cathy. Backed!

Charity, Defining Moments has real promise. I almost stopped reading part way through chapter one but I ploughed on and I'm glad I did. But it might be worth reducing that intial angst just a bit to encourage less determined readers. This is clearly a book that publishers will place in the 'female readers' slots. But that's publishers for you. I'm a man and a Brit at that but I have at least two specific empathetic links with your heroine; I suffer from a non-specific debilitating illness, labelled ME/CFS in my case, and I've read and enjoyed The Secret.
I found your voice very compelling and the way you build your characters is clever; all those asides and allusions. The self-hate is so real and the potential for her developing self-love is great; so I expect this to have an uplifting and happy ending. (I can only manage to read 3 chapters online at one go). Cathy is a character who expects everybody to hate or dispise her and she therefore hates herself. I found her interesting and wanted to encourage her to do something to learn to love herself so she could start to heal. The fall, is a great device; both metaphorical and actual, and it works well as a turning point. The reader knows this lady has alolng way to go to find happiness but I want her to travel and learn and find it by the end of the book.
I wish you well with this and will shelf it.
Thanks,
Stuart Aken

Charity, Defining Moments has real promise. I almost stopped reading part way through chapter one but I ploughed on and I'm glad I did. But it might be worth reducing that intial angst just a bit to encourage less determined readers. This is clearly a book that publishers will place in the 'female readers' slots. But that's publishers for you. I'm a man and a Brit at that but I have at least two specific empathetic links with your heroine; I suffer from a non-specific debilitating illness, labelled ME/CFS in my case, and I've read and enjoyed The Secret.
I found your voice very compelling and the way you build your characters is clever; all those asides and allusions. The self-hate is so real and the potential for her developing self-love is great; so I expect this to have an uplifting and happy ending. (I can only manage to read 3 chapters online at one go). Cathy is a character who expects everybody to hate or dispise her and she therefore hates herself. I found her interesting and wanted to encourage her to do something to learn to love herself so she could start to heal. The fall, is a great device; both metaphorical and actual, and it works well as a turning point. The reader knows this lady has alolng way to go to find happiness but I want her to travel and learn and find it by the end of the book.
I wish you well with this and will shelf it.
Thanks,
Stuart Aken

I wanted to like Cathy from the start, because I can relate to her complaints about her husband and her duties. I chuckled at the mention of the BBP, and I thought that was a nice touch.
However, by the end of the first chapter, I was a bit turned off by Cathy's incessant whining. I wanted her to do more, and I hope that as I continue to read, she will find something in her life worth waking up for. I hope that in Betsy, she will find a true friend. Shelved.

I like the idea behind your book -- that we 'create' our own existence through our attitude and reactions to things around us.

Giving you some time on my shelf.

Janet

Charity,
This is something every housewife should read. I'm sure millions can relate to it. The Fibromyalgia thing sounds familiar-- my mother-in-law allegedly had the same thing. The depression. The weight issue. Wow this is really familiar! 'Course, she had to have double-hip replacement, which has helped with the pain. Anyway, this is a moving piece of work! Shelved!
Check out chapter 2..."Maybe this is the universes..." Should be universe's...
Good luck with this. Hope you get a chance to check out "The First Daughter".
Cheers!
Tom Mahon

Hi Charity, whew! I only read three chapters and I witnessed a dramatic transformation in Cathy--from ranting to opening to possibilities. And actually I have been ranting lately, so your book is good therapy... Telling a story through a first person, and being inside the character is difficult to pull off, but you pull it off just fine, creating compelling characters that makes me want to read further. So there is life at the other end of the tunnel.

Ah, "The Secret" is her secret. A friend had me watch that movie last summer. We were both trying hard not to fall into the negative trap.

Shelved.

Patricia
All Saints' Day

Well written from a solid first-person perpective with style and wit.

Backed
Bill

After the opening depression, Defining Moments moves into manic gear and really zips along.
I was surprised how far into the story I’d gone, and how quickly the time had passed.

Maybe this is the ideal book for all the office blokes to read in order to learn about the lives of the women they married so long ago?

Jeffrey Miller
The Binding Returned