T is for Time

I have read the first chapter and will try to come back for more. This is engaging, full of unforced humour, good character and dialogue. There is much to enjoy - the reference to the motorway fiasco, just plonked in the first paragraph immediately grips the reader's attention, Brick's spiky interchanges with both the bus driver and Spiritwind, and the explanations for the unusual names - all are excellent. I'm not sure about ending the chapter with the paragraph about the shower. Whilst quirky and funny, it seems a little added on, and the chapter may be better ending with Brick heading upstairs.

Alien teenagers too lazy to carry out their ideas for world domination, drunken explorations that end with a nap in a fountain and the promise of action yet to come but perhaps might just be a bit too comfy to bother with all that fuss!
VERY Adamsish!
Being a big HH fan I can see where the similarities lie, making the ordinary unordinary, but making this ordinary, if that makes any sense!
The humour is subtle, found in everyday situations and things rather than going out to look for it, the banter between two friends is done with a realism that reminds me of my partner and his best friend, both of whom are very random!
I would read this several times and chuckle with every read.
Nicely done.

Zil xxx

Paul,
Reading "T is For Time" was a rollicking good time. Your ability to conjure up one funny scene after the other is in itself a feat to admire. I followed Brick and Spiritwood around with a lot of empathy, as funny characters are very empathetic. Your dialogue consists of light banter, and it got to a point where I was looking forward to the next clever exchange. Thank you for this fare, easy to digest and certainly good for the health. When's my next dose?

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

The description of the book made me want to read it, if I were in a shop and read that, I'd buy it. Chapter one was good enough to make me feel that choice was good, and chapter two was better yet, humorous and kind of Hitch Hikers guidish. I will read on, but not on a Saturday night when my goggles are frothy and smoke ridden.

Just read the first chapter Paul. Really enjoyed the descriptive observational stuff. I like quirky unforced humour, and have starred it accordingly. Best of luck with the book.

I like comic Sci-Fi and the excellent short pitch caught my eye. I read the first chapter and found an unusual, witty storyline with great potential. Brick Wall is a fantastic name and both leading characters look like being great fun. There were some delightful comic touches, the timing of Spiritwind's deadpan comment "You slept in the fountain, then." was absolute comedic perfection. Nitpicks, I found some of the sentences unnecessarily long and wordy, but this may just be a question of personal taste. I think a good edit would help tidy up grammar and tighten the writing. On my WL for further reading and generously starred. I can see this going down a storm with it's target audience. Good luck with this.

intresting and good read. Backed. Unquie and freshly written style.

Best wishes,
Chipper Newman

T is for Time

OK this is a spoof Sci-Fi in the mould of Douglas Adams, as he writes in the Hitchhiker’s Guide. People who can’t get enough of that kind of thing, and sadly Douglas can write no more himself, being dead, will enjoy this sardonic sideways glance at small town life and teenage indolence. I saw flashes of well-known movies that play with similar ideas on a grander scale. Nice references to pre-existing work and some good phraseology that made me smile.

Short Pitch: Nice clear steer – it’s a comedy romp style thingy.
Long Pitch: For me it tells too much of the story. The whole para on Zarg for e.g. just seems unnecessary. You need to make me want to read the story, not tell me the story.
C1: I got lost instantly on that first sentence: if you read it dispassionately, as if you were not the author (hard I know) you may notice that ‘the subconscious double’ could be a noun phrase, ie I (reader) might be expecting another character - your MC’s ‘subconscious double’. See what I mean? You just need to say ‘his subconscious double…’ then it works. Yes I know, I know. How could I be so thick? But then I am the reader. And they are. You use semicolons where new sentences would be better – they are sharper. Did you intend Copernicus? Caper– nick-us?
Sorry, first bit of physical business and credibility took a knock. I don’t know where you are but it sounds like England, in which case you and I both know the bus driver, at the first attempted quip, would say ‘yea, yea, off the bus mate, against ‘elf and safety.’

Tiny things that say whoops: alien’s – needs no apostrophe; planets does (‘s). An unnerving habit of splitting compound words: in to (into) for eg.

The stars, the stars, oh where are the stars.

Hi Paul,
I've just finished reading your book "T is for Time" and want to comment.
My main complaint is that this work is incomplete! I'm certain that you have a complete manuscript and that you're holding out on me. This book is too well developed to be an unfinished work.
You've created three separate worlds that are converging on a moment in time. Each one of these is quite creative in its own right. Brick and Spiritwind are classic muddlers that could easily carry on through many misadventures. The Concepts are a fantastic literary idea that I found myself rereading occasionally to understand the "concept" behind their comments but this is a rewarding aspect of the book. I loved the part where they tempt Fate with the crisps. The Jefferians could have been a boring alien stereotype but you've impressed a sitcom family attribute on them that makes them unique in a very human way.
You handle the development of these disparate story elements with an ease that is deceptive. I can only imagine that you have an ending that ties the whole bundle of personal interests into a tidy package.
The only critical observation I can make is that there were some spelling and grammar issues that I stopped on and mostly concluded, "That must be the English way." I'm from the northern US or as we'd say here, "Up nort dare, don't cha know?" So your work is probably more appropriate than mine.
I liked the way you handle the stoppage of time but it got me thinking, "If everything is frozen, then what about the air they're trying to breathe? On a molecular level, what effect will their perspiration and other secretions achieve? Why can they eat the food they have on their person and why are their clothes not frozen like the curtains?" These questions were quickly cast aside to enjoy your handling of the inconceivable situation.
I came upon your book by happenstance, reading your review for another book I like, "The Ultimate Inferior Being". I am currently writing and reading in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy/Comedy genre which seems a strange and unpopulated place. I must admit that your bio and photo remind me of myself some 15 years ago but I would be delighted if I could write with the seeming ease you possess in another fifteen.
I'm adding your book to my bookshelf in the hopes it receives the attention it deserves. I would appreciate it very much if you could browse through my book "ODIN'S TOE" and offer some insight into making it as smooth a read as yours.
Cheers,
PJ Qats

What a great premise! I look forward to reading this.

What a great premise! I look forward to reading this.

Hi Paul

I keep dipping in to T and have to say enjoy it more each time.

Thanks so much for backing Marking Time

All the best

Crispy

Hi Paul

Thanks for the backing! Being a huge Douglas Adams fan I can certainly see his influences in your work. This could be a fore runner for Ford though feels rather more like Dirk Gently in style. Great observational humour...showers are like that across the known universe!

Good luck
Crispy

Now I know what causes me to set all my clocks to 9:50. I thought it was Compulsion; I am so relieved to find out I may be Motivated, instead!

I ran across your book and decided to read it. I read all you have posted here. I like the humor, and I found the pace good. The various characters were amusing; I enjoyed the Concepts in particular. They remind me of Piers Anthony's Incarnations somewhat, but with a more Adams-y feel, like the Gods in the Dirk Gently books. The dialog between Brick and Spiritwind made me laugh right out loud; you seem to have a good ear for it.

In my view, your largest problem is with sentence structure. You have hugely clever wordplay being badly impeded by missing punctuation. There are passages that are very unclear because your dialog isn't lined up with the person speaking it, and instead appears to belong to the person hearing it. There are odd spots where the tense changes.

I think that's good news because those things are easy to fix. The story itself seems good, and your wit is delightful. (The idea that Irony the Concept didn't quite grasp the concept of irony was great, for example.)

I agree with most of RavenJake's previous comments, but I feel many of your sentience issues come under the heading of style. I don't know that I'd be so concerned with them as with the need to clarify the writing in general. Edit for clarity; remember, people can misunderstand things so easily.

I have read the first chapter and will try to come back for more. This is engaging, full of unforced humour, good character and dialogue. There is much to enjoy - the reference to the motorway fiasco, just plonked in the first paragraph immediately grips the reader's attention, Brick's spiky interchanges with both the bus driver and Spiritwind, and the explanations for the unusual names - all are excellent. I'm not sure about ending the chapter with the paragraph about the shower. Whilst quirky and funny, it seems a little added on, and the chapter may be better ending with Brick heading upstairs.

Paul,

I backed you wonderful novel T IS FOR TIME! Please take a look at either of my novels, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND, for a possible backing I would appreciate it immensely. Thank you.

Dwain-Thomas

First, a caveat: Time constraints, alas, allowed me to read only the first chapter, which is less than I'd like to have done, as within it I found the basis of an amusing and quirky premise.

However, in that chapter I also found a slight over-indulgence in the humour with the result that, in places, it became weakened through being stretched. Some judicious light pruning and tightening by an editor will ramp up the humour considerably.

There were a few grammatical nitpicks such as the use of 'may' when 'might' should have been used, and the phrase "... not a gracefully accomplished feat with numb arms" in its present position means something other than what the author intends. Following the semi-colon, rejigging it to read "... a feat not gracefully accomplished with numb arms" will fix it. I'd also recommend sticking to Brick's POV -- showing the thoughts of the man with the lighter doesn't add anything to the scene and weakens reader identification with Brick.

My main criticism of this opening chapter is, appropriately enough, the timing. Spiritwind goes into the kitchen, prepares the ingredients for six full English breakfasts, cooks them, and then dishes them up in the time it takes two people to exchange six lines of dialogue. This needs fixing if the fragile bubble that is the suspension of disbelief is to be maintained.

But well done, Paul, for something refreshingly different and a very funny storyline. I'll come back to this when I have time to fully enjoy the pleasures in store.

Alien teenagers too lazy to carry out their ideas for world domination, drunken explorations that end with a nap in a fountain and the promise of action yet to come but perhaps might just be a bit too comfy to bother with all that fuss!
VERY Adamsish!
Being a big HH fan I can see where the similarities lie, making the ordinary unordinary, but making this ordinary, if that makes any sense!
The humour is subtle, found in everyday situations and things rather than going out to look for it, the banter between two friends is done with a realism that reminds me of my partner and his best friend, both of whom are very random!
I would read this several times and chuckle with every read.
Nicely done.

Zil xxx

There is much fun to be had here, with lots of clever and funny ideas. Lots of promise for a great read. However, I thought that the early paragraphs and chapters are perhaps a little too wordy in places and don’t quite get the comic ideas across as well as they might. For example, the very start would be much funnier and snappier if Brick realized he was in a fountain, rather than in his own bed, much faster. For me the story took off in Ch.8, which I found the funniest. Perhaps this is because the chapter contains a higher ratio of dialogue to description and so the comedy works better. On the way, the ideas I liked most were the Yoghurt Bucket Warriors, the bus driver at the start (I’ve come across his sort before – morning people, just can’t deal with morning people), and I quite liked the stroppy teenager Zarg. The banter between Brick and Spiritwind was good, too, and perhaps you could get to that a lot sooner in Ch.1. Minor typos: Ch.1 don’t need “being” in “no official charges being brought”; Ch.2 “cash in the oddity” should be “cash in on the oddity”; and lots of missing apostrophes throughout, plus a greengrocers’ apostrophe in the long pitch. All in all, a very enjoyable read, but perhaps in need of a bit of honing and polishing.

Paul,
Reading "T is For Time" was a rollicking good time. Your ability to conjure up one funny scene after the other is in itself a feat to admire. I followed Brick and Spiritwood around with a lot of empathy, as funny characters are very empathetic. Your dialogue consists of light banter, and it got to a point where I was looking forward to the next clever exchange. Thank you for this fare, easy to digest and certainly good for the health. When's my next dose?

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

My comments are mostly regarding structure. There are some good details here, though you should push more sensory descriptions. I enjoyed the atmosphere but wanted for conflict to ground the scene and drive the story forward. Here are some critiques to consider for your story:

(Brick rolled over in his sleep and proceeded to drown. Being such an unlikely sequence of events the subconscious doubled checked all the senses before reacting; it didn’t wish to repeat the motorway fiasco of last summer. With the peril confirmed the relevant muscles were tensed to lift Brick’s spluttering body clear of immediate danger. The commotion was enough to stir the conscious mind in to resuming control. It wondered what all the fuss was about. As far as it was concerned they were on the way to the bar amidst a thoroughly enjoyable night out.)
This contradicts the notion of a (sub)conscious. The back and forth works, but you should find a way to restate this in order to alleviate the personification of mental processes. Such an exercise speaks more about the narrator than the character.

(the mid twenties misfit)
Clumsy addition of age. Many people do it this way, fine a different way.

(Nobody had been offended by his antics and there would be no official charges being brought; however the evidence against such an outcome was difficult to ignore.)
This is a tough sentence and it should be broken up. It's implying that the character is somehow confronted with this evidence without showing it in your story.

(The sound of running water occupied his left ear)
No, it didn't. You're offering too much sentience to inanimateness.

(Brick’s stubborn-ness saw it as further)
No, it didn't. Sentience issue.

(like a sequel follows a box office hit.)
This analogy is a stretch and doesn't work for any sort of aesthetic.

(the familiar sense of nausea and empty agony stood back and waited to descend. It could see he had enough to deal with. )
Sentience issue. Nausea.

(Sticking to his principle Brick’s eyes remained firmly shut)
Sentience issue. Eyes.

(did anyone discuss sleeping in a fountain!)
Good opportunity for comedy. 'Sleeping' could be replaced with a more descriptive verb indicative of his unconsciousness.

With a large dose of confusion Brick scrambled from the overly ornate water feature, not a gracefully accomplished feat with numb arms.)
The short description should not precede the action. In fact, allow the action to be your description for the action- meaning choose the correct verb and ditch the extra baggage.

(Greeting the morning commuters as they wandered past, all he got in return was an overwhelming sense of not wanting to be there, combined with an expression that yearned for an extra hour in bed.)
It's unclear who has the sense of not wanting to be there and who is delivering the expression. Presumably Brick, that's just not how the sentence reads.

(Most people completely ignored him; they were either scared of becoming involved in whatever predicament he was in or disbelieving of what they saw.)
This doesn't feel like an accurate assertion of streetwalkers. What sort of area is it? Why would they even care who the character is?

(Tutting at the public’s lack of manners Brick began the short stroll to the bus stop, delving back in to his memory for any clues as to how he’d come to rest in the centre of Puddleton.)
I'm wanting actions to ground your scene and to show what is being stated. His physical condition and his state of mind can be explicated by a descriptive series of straight forward actions, and in describing with actions your scene becomes stronger. For example, the character can rub his forehead, stumble, focus or any number of things. Get the actions of your character out there, and include the conflict.

(Puddleton was a moderately sized town that acted like a city in the hope everyone would believe it was one.)
Sentience. The word 'seemingly' may help.

Hi. I only had time to brows through your work. I found the story interesting and plan to return for more reading and a detailed comment. As I’m very much pressed for time, tell me which chapter you want me to pay special attention to.
Meanwhile, could you please check TO KILL A DEAD MAN? I will appreciate it.
Dan

The description of the book made me want to read it, if I were in a shop and read that, I'd buy it. Chapter one was good enough to make me feel that choice was good, and chapter two was better yet, humorous and kind of Hitch Hikers guidish. I will read on, but not on a Saturday night when my goggles are frothy and smoke ridden.

Thank you. It's always nice to know those endless hours sat in, agonising over a three word sentence, is worth it. Much appreciated.

The description of the book made me want to read it, if I were in a shop and read that, I'd buy it. Chapter one was good enough to make me feel that choice was good, and chapter two was better yet, humorous and kind of Hitch Hikers guidish. I will read on, but not on a Saturday night when my goggles are frothy and smoke ridden.