The Walkers of Legend

Miles,
I was mesmerized by this fantastic account. The Walkers of Legend draws the reader into an epic work with a suspenseful plot. The synopsis alone leaves the reader wanting to know the ten-thousand year-old secret which will be revealed while the reader is engrossed in this stunning and original story. Well done.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

The Walkers of Legend.
By Miles Allen.

First of all, I love the cover; it would stand out on any book shop shelf.
The pitch is what it should be, precise, without giving too much away.
I found it to be an excellent read, compelling with vivid description for a fantasy novel.
You are obviously in the right vocation as an author…your writing shines through.
Good storyline.
A great deal of time has been spent, polishing and editing since I last read it some time ago.
I can say that you have not wasted your time in that respect…brilliant!
I’m pleased to star-rate ‘The Walkers of Legend’ very high.
Wishing you the best with it…great stuff!

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – SERIES.

Fantasy is definitely not my thing so I was initially put off by the name of the pretender, but I kept going and found it to be much better than expected. Easily the best I have seen of the genre, and deserving to be sorted by the desk.

Will be happy to give this my backing.

Miles, your pitches are excellent and there's one hell of a book here. Great descriptions, vivid imagery and an imagination that has depths that are possibly illegal! Fabulous, in every respect, even for a reader without a background in this genre.
Jared (Mummy's Boy).

Shelved to read more of this terrific story. Seems
all honed and polished. Just one glitch in pitch ' scrutiny '
Lots of success wth this!...............mikegilli The Free

Miles,
I was mesmerized by this fantastic account. The Walkers of Legend draws the reader into an epic work with a suspenseful plot. The synopsis alone leaves the reader wanting to know the ten-thousand year-old secret which will be revealed while the reader is engrossed in this stunning and original story. Well done.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

I have read what you have uploaded. As per the comment below I did not think this would be my kind of book. I found it interesting and I knew that cat had a secret. Very well written.

Julie Stevenson
Stacie

Overall I'd say that this is a good little story that you've crafted. Whenever someone writes fantasy I'm always afraid that it's going to be nothing more than a Tolkien wannabe. So far from what I read this isn't the case. There are a few areas that I feel could be tightened up. None of it is too serious, but I think it would help immensely.

I'm not sure, but wouldn't the plural of Magi be Magi? It sounds better in my head, but I'm not really sure. Magis just sounded weird to me.

Some of your sentences seemed to give too much detail. For example, "Even so the Magi knew the Regent well enough to know that he needed to be indulged in his triumph." If you would shorten it down, say take out "well enough to know that he," the sentence would flow much better with the same thought being portrayed.

"The man's clothing was as bright and garish as his was dark and imposing." When I read this sentence I forgot who "his" was referring too. Especially early in the story it might be important to get rid of some of the "he"'s that pepper it. There's nothing worse than reading a story and forgetting who is doing the action.

"Ten minutes later and he stood on what felt like the edge of a new world waiting to be conquered." I'd remove 'what felt like' from this sentence, as well as the comma and probably replace he with Garamon. The sentence would then become,
"Ten minutes later and Garamon stood on the edge of a new world waiting to be conquered." The imagery stays the same while also cleaning up the sentence a little.

Overall though you got a good story here, I can tell that you've put a lot of effort into the plot. Keep at it and I'm sure good things will follow! If you have any questions feel free to ask.

Brad Group

Love the names, they're very interesting! Good book, well written. Enjoyable. :)

Highly imaginative and nicely dark. The opening hooked me in, although I admit to becoming a little confused further on into the first chapter, particularly in relation to the Emperor's assasination, but then it became clearer again, so perhaps it was me?

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

The Walkers of Legend.
By Miles Allen.

First of all, I love the cover; it would stand out on any book shop shelf.
The pitch is what it should be, precise, without giving too much away.
I found it to be an excellent read, compelling with vivid description for a fantasy novel.
You are obviously in the right vocation as an author…your writing shines through.
Good storyline.
A great deal of time has been spent, polishing and editing since I last read it some time ago.
I can say that you have not wasted your time in that respect…brilliant!
I’m pleased to star-rate ‘The Walkers of Legend’ very high.
Wishing you the best with it…great stuff!

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – SERIES.

I started this story a while back when I first got on the site and then I misplaced -- I hadn't learned how to watchlist yet. So, I'm looking forward to reading it all the way through rather than a quick scan.

Unfortunately, it's 1:30 am here, and I have work in the working, so I'm off to bed for now.

This deserves to be published,one of the best fantasy books i have seen here

good narrative, descriptive and clear...very good story...deep and full of history, and peoples for this wonderful fantasy story...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Great idea, wonderfully and confidently written- backed with pleasure.

Melissa

Fast moving opening, and while I was afraid at first that you were juggling too many characters, that settled down. You have humour and action, and as long as you can balance the two, and not undercut the stakes by offhand humour at the wrong point, this should be a successful excursion in the Robert Asprin or Piers Anthony mode.

Dear Miles, I love the phrase you used, 'powerful spell of finding" - that was really intriguing to me - also, the "bizarre creature." :) You did well in preparing me to read your book by your recap/pitch before your story began. It is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "reading/commenting/backing" your book to help it move up on the charts (sending a message doesn't move your book up, but only "comment/backing"). Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to "comment/back" my 2 memoir books to help them move up? "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which at the end of the last chapter tells my illness now & my 6th abusive marriage I'm in. Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is a clever, imaginative story. You’ve obviously put a lot of time and effort into designing this fantasy world – and it shows in the way you’re able to describe your settings and your action scenes in such detail. Adding good characters to live in this world makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Hi Miles.
Back for a second read since you have made the changes. The front is less awkard, but still needs some work.
The prologue is still a little awkward to read. It doesn’t have a nice flow to it. Am still trying to work out why but it is possibly just me.
An example of my nitpicks are: In chapter 1, Chayne showed no concern that he had dropped the herbal jar of valuable herbs. Wouldn’t he have returned jar to the shelf immediately he had closed it anyway and before he turned back to his spell. He’s a wizard, he’s panicking and still having time to reflect. Then he’s used mental training to calm his nerves. He’s thinking so his legs would move. He is too calm to be panicked. Why not bar the door with magic? You say later about strangely inappropriate observations, but by then I have already thought that he is too calm. A simple way to fix this would be to show his feelings, not tell them, and I feel you are telling. By reading further on, you realise (from the meeting with Garamon) that he is not bad as a wizard and can do illusions. I also think you may like to work on the tense a little.
But... you have created a great world and great characters. I can see that further reading of this will get me hooked. I am being a little harsh in my comments because I really like it and feel it is at this nitpicky stage. I feel you can do so much with this. The story idea is really great and I know that I would read this book. I don’t know why the start doesn’t work well for me. Maybe the characters feel a little distant to me. It’s still a good story with evocative imagery. On these grounds, I am backing your story this time.

I did not seethe prior version but is is very obviou sfromth efirst two chapters that this has been painstakedly polished and written with passion. You have a very gifted imagination and although I am normally not a fantasy reader this one I would buy just based on the first few pages!

BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

Miles,

The Walkers of Legend - Uhh, what a nasty betrayal. Estatoilie is bad news. As is the Magi, Lathashal. Then we get to know other characters and are quickly engaged, knowing what they maybe up against. Chayne and his cat, Fireball who seems to sleep through noise and danger, Kinfular, and Shinlay, his warrior woman who will not be left behind. I was quickly drawn into the story, which promises a great adventure. Backed with pleasure.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

This is an exciting and inventive story. Your pitch tells us enough of the set up to draw us in, and you open with a striking moment, with the death of the old emperor, and the gloating feelings of Estatoulie, who has killed him and intends to take over. The plot moves on quickly. Lathashel, Estatoulie's co-conspirator, strides off to take over his reward, a powerful city, and reflects that the next move will be to attack the Rangers in neighbouring Mlendria. Chayne, the young magician or mage who lives there is captured; a call for support for the Rangers is sent out to their allies, causing Kinfular to set out to help them, secretly followed by his lover Shinley, the Chief's daughter; and Gar discovers that his friend Chayne is missing, and is told he is only one of many kidnapped young mages. You are assembling your characters skillfully, and weaving together the various threads of your plot as you build the tension. You bring your characters to life well, making each of them individual. Your style is clear and easy to read, and you add frequent dry humour. The two young friends trying out magic spells is a particularly entertaining part of the story. This promises to be an exciting and enjoyable book. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

I like it, the train of thought takes us right into their heads and the storyline
is suitably exciting. Missed it 1st time round so no comparisons.
I have the same prob with being too long.
best lucj and shelved....mikegilli The Free

Not over sure about the short pitch, long pitch great.

First what an imagination, very good.

I missed (and this could be deliberate) descriptive auditory sound (searching my memory I can only think of one in the narrative –The scrape of sheaths?). to me it would add a little to the atmosphere.

The story is great, the characterisation is brilliantly developed. - good luck with this.

143k words? Brilliant! Okay, so I'm not into this genre but I do like good writing and this rewrite seems to have polished what you had before obviously though I did not read it back then. I dolike that short pitch. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

Fantasy is definitely not my thing so I was initially put off by the name of the pretender, but I kept going and found it to be much better than expected. Easily the best I have seen of the genre, and deserving to be sorted by the desk.

Will be happy to give this my backing.

It doesnt feel like fantasy, it is so real, all the details make it leap to life. I love the line, 'The hundred or so servants stood in recesses around the palaces largest banquet hall, not needing to be considered any more than the fruit on the table.' Well observed. You tell a good story and it goes at a strong pace wanting us to read on.
Happily backed
Christina
From Under the Bed

I've heard recently that the opening para of a book can decide its fate with editors. It's made me worry about mine but it should make you confident of yours. What a brilliant opening. Gruesome and whatever Estatoulie may say, heartless. But mesmerising and beautifully written. Backed. Lynn

Hello Miles, Enjoyed this immensely, even though I am not a true fantasy genre fan. Really good story, well written and described. Hope this does well. SHELVED.

Phyllis
A Passing Storm (Would be grateful if you would look at this for me please)

Miles, your pitches are excellent and there's one hell of a book here. Great descriptions, vivid imagery and an imagination that has depths that are possibly illegal! Fabulous, in every respect, even for a reader without a background in this genre.
Jared (Mummy's Boy).

Shelved to read more of this terrific story. Seems
all honed and polished. Just one glitch in pitch ' scrutiny '
Lots of success wth this!...............mikegilli The Free

Shelved to read more of this terrific story. Seems
all honed and polished. Just one glitch in pitch ' scrutiny '
Lots of success wth this!...............mikegilli The Free

Now here's a good fantasy novel. The world is imaginative, the action is grand and the characters are interesting.

Well done and backed.

Brian

Hi Miles, I see you said you have rewritten this, well it's a job well done I have to say. I love the opening, the image of the cup crashing down on the smouldering spine is one I won't forget too easily. I also thought Estatoulies character was brilliantly sinister, an excellent bdy if you ask me. I like the notion of war coming into this and their plans of invasion. Really solid opeing and enjoyed the read. On my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

very nice. I wans't here to read your original manuscript but this is really entertaining, epic win ^^

This is storytelling in it's finest form.

Great characters and the premise proves to be a promising one.

And your vivid descriptions help to make this a must read.

Great work.

Melxx
Impeding Justice

Dear Miles Allen,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. In your first sentence, I believe “looked down with derision” could be summarized with “sneered”. A new Emperor will soon ascend, his way cleared by a murder. He has no plans for peace and will no doubt attack the protagonist’s homeland. The magii does have an intense collar. Nice detail having the past Emperor make his table unique by destroying all other trees of that type of wood. I see the new Emperor will be even more brutal, and his treatment of the guard confirms this. A quotation mark is missing before “All evidence shall point”. The magii’s thoughts are important to introduce the hook of the poor Rangers about the be brutalized, but, in my fallible opinion, you could make this section shorter.

You have a great against-the-odds scenario in place, and I wish you the best with it. Bravo! Backed.

Regards,
Alan Marling

Love what I've read so far :)

Hi Miles
I like your story. You have a really good idea and a way of telling the story that enables us to be part of it.
The only problem I had with this was it that it seemed a little wordy. At times, I felt you were using words for effect, when simpler words would have been sufficient. This detracted for me, rather than added to the enjoyment of reading this. Otherwise, I think you have a good story that many people would enjoy.
Good luck with this.

Hi Miles,

I've read all that you've uploaded. There's a really good fantasy epic in here and your descriptive prose is very good indeed. There is the occasional data dump in the form of backstory, such as in chapter five. It interrupts the flow of the novel and IMHO needs pruning or removal. The story you are telling doesn't need these distractions.

Chayne from just up the hill a bit is an intriging character, and one I grew to like immediately. Garamon, his Samwise. Kinfular's speech and that of his mate seems indistict from those of the more "civilised" peoples. Perhaps giving his words some sort of cadence or accent would help to add character here.

Lathashal is a deliciously nasty character and the addition of the jealous Illestrael is a nice plot device. Estatoulie has promise, but seems a little bit camp - like an evil Leslie Phillips. You might want to menace him up a bit. Fireball is perhaps the character I look forward to reading about the most. I'm already wondering who he really is....!

Your book is much better than your pitch suggests. I'd rework that, try and make it less a brief synopsis and more of a sales pitch. I am backing this.

Cheers,

Dan

Hi Miles,

I have watch listed this and read this first chapter, which has me thinking on a few things but for the life of me I can't think properly and thus concluded that I will read more when I have more time.

Cheers,
RC

Hi Miles,

I have watch listed this and read this first chapter, which has me thinking on a few things but for the life of me I can't think properly and thus concluded that I will read more when I have more time.

This is a great story that have many wonderful charactures (I fell in love with Chayne and his white hair),
You hocked me in a way that I can't explane it,

Best of luck with it and if you ever uploaded the whole book please tell me, ^-^

Kimmy

Miles,

Great title. What a fab opening! I felt like I was right there watching Estatoulie! You've got an awesome world you've made up here; obviously it's not real and never could be, but it feels natural - as in, you know, it's as real as a fantasy world could be if you catch my drift, which is credit to the writing. I loved that line when he talks to the doorman - choose one to replace you and the other two will snuff it. Great line.

It's a good prologue (if that's what you're calling it) A lot of people (myself not included) sometimes skip the prologue but I don't think theres any danger of that here. You get straight into the action here and people will definitely read on. Your characters have got a good roundness to them. The names and who's who take a little bit to get your head round, though that's the case in any fantasy world, and isn't really an issue. So, not sure why I mentioned it.

You've got a good writing style that is very engaging. It's a good page-turner and is fantastic for people like me who love to lose themselves in a whole imaginary fantasy world. You occasionally have the odd comma where I don't feel there needs to be one particularly, and sometimes there should maybe be one when there isn't. I'd give you an example but the notes i wrote down have literally disappeared along with my crashing Microsoft Word. For Christ's sake.

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this and will keep it on the WL to read more of when I get chance. I'm definitely going to shelve it, it's a really captivating read.

Oli

Miles,
a lovely read to take me into my Christmas holidays. I found all the names in the first chap (or is it prologue? no matter) a bit too much for my feeble mind, but really enjoyed the evilness (evility? I know I made it up but quite like it) of Estatoulie and how easily they would frame his superior officer.
Also enjoyed the next chap and loved the last line - Chayne's sunbconscious managing a smile (look at mine and you'll see why I like that image)
Chap 2 finishes on a good hook too, with the figure slipping past the guards into the night.
All in all, a thouroughly enjoyable half hour! Thanks, and on the shelf.
Happy Christmas!
Simon

Hi Miles,
Sorry for the little slip up the other day. so I thought of making some restitution by reading your book earlier. I'm glad I did. The story is engaging right from the superb opener. In Chap 2, boy, how I love Chayne. I enjoy the magic and his fumbling. He is a character one can bond with. I concentrate my evaluation on the story, and won't dwell on the grammar. A very small suggestion, the part on "...paid a month's money". I thought it may read better as "paid a month's wages (or revenue...or earnings). Small bit of editing, nothing there to prevent me from backing The Walkers of Legend. So your book sits on my shelf. Thanks for the great story. All the very best.
Casey

As time goes on and I crit more and more, I’m talking about stories less and less. You have dozens of people gushing over it already; you don’t need me here. Everything seems to be intriguing enough to keep the pages turning. The Emperor dead, Chayne missing, the protagonist introduced. Three chapters, three perspectives.

I like it.

But I’m a technical kind of a writer, so rather than suggest how to develop your plot, it’s better for me to apply what I’m best at, and that’s checking out your style. Your flow, rhythm, pace, prose. The tools you need to get your tale across. So this crit, like most of my crits, is more about what you could perhaps develop a little more. Things you might not have thought about, rather than just boosting your confidence on where you already excel.

Let me make one thing clear to you from the outset: This is not my genre. I don’t have a clue with fantasy. I haven’t read a single fantasy book in my life, and for what I would consider to be good reason.

Remember what made Lord of the Rings so great? The vision (thank god for the film version). Remember what made it so bad? The crazy names. Well, that and Elvish.

Aragon, Legolas, Gimli, Frodo,.. and they’re just the names I can spell! The incidental characters… the names are maddening! Ever tried to read the Simarilian? I defy anyone to read that book all the way through and not skip every third sentence. The names of people and places are simply too big an obstacle.

Why do I say that? Chapter one, word one. Estatoulie. Probably a nice poetic name, and believe me when I remind you it’s not my genre. I can’t say that word! I can barely even spell it and it’s written right there on the screen! Why don’t more fantasy books have enemies called Lee or Chad, or perhaps Evil Ed?!

That was basically just a rant, I’m sorry. For me, the first sentence was a difficult read, possibly because as soon as I got past that word I had to leapfrog “utter derision” which is a tough phrase for the brain as well. Perhaps, if I might suggest, you could look at losing the word ‘utter’ and see if it feels any better.

I’m walking a thin line being constructive without trying to be deriding. I like the book. Generally speaking, it’s very smooth. Once I took those long names and basically learned their shapes rather than their pronunciation, the problem went away. But I can tell already that there’s probably a large cast in this, so rather than change any one name to Evil Ed like I suggested, perhaps just double check they all have recognisable shapes instead. Then it won’t matter if I say them or not!

I think perhaps you should whip through the piece again and do a ‘comma run’. Get rid of all the ones that fail to be necessary. To quote you:
“At that moment COMMA six splendidly garbed guards COMMA adorned with the usual blood red and gold timed armour of the palace elite COMMA entered the hall COMMA and made their way towards him.”
I’d like to be able to rattle off a rule about the max number of commas in a sentence but there isn’t one. ‘Until there’s enough’ is the best thing I can think of to say. Look up a book called ‘Turn of the Screw’ and read any page at random. Then you’ll see why commas can be a bad thing.

In the sentence above, I’d say it felt like there was one too many. That very last one, when you think about it, doesn’t actually do anything. All it does is break the flow of the sentence, put a mental hiccup in the line that contradicts the ‘and’. And this is just one example of that kind of thing…

“…closed his eyes COMMA and imagined again his unlimited future power.”
“Both men knew COMMA that positioning…”
“…capture the nearest towns COMMA and gain a foothold.”
“He turned to his herb cabinet again COMMA and was briefly distracted…”
“Fireball as usual, slept through all this SEMI-COLON and was not in the slightest disturbed…”

The latter example needs looking at a bit deeper, while we’re here. I think you actually missed a comma out!

Can I suggest another way to write that sentence?:
“Fireball, as usual, slept through all this. And he wasn’t in the slightest bit disturbed…”
“Fireball, as usual, slept through all this and wasn’t disturbed in the slightest…”
“Fireball, as usual, slept through all this. He wasn’t disturbed in the slightest…”

“was not” is starting to go out of fashion. It feels too stiff and formal. By all means, keep it if you think it’s better, but I wouldn’t be scared to put “wasn’t” in its place. Less formal, perhaps, but just plain old easier to read. And I’m all about pandering to the lazy reader. Prefer to keep your book formal? Then I’d change that “300th" to a “three-hundredth” as well.

There’s just one typo that I found in the first three chapters. Looks to me like you’ve accidentally missed a “the” AND tapped the spacebar twice. Check this out:
“Lathashal swept along the main corridor leading away from *THE* banquet hall, *DOUBLE SPACE* his heavy cloak gently waving…”

That’s probably as much of a technical crit as I can give you. The things I’ve suggested here apply to the entire book so, if you come to agree with any of them, that’s a bit of work for you. Sorry about that!

I should think you’ll easily break the top 100 this month, probably the top 80. And in fact I’ll be helping you with that, because I’d hate to write all this for a book I didn’t feel deserved backing!

So I’ll shelf away!

Chris

Hi,
I just finished your first chapter and realy liking it, I love the idea of betrayel and dark caractures (you will understnd if you read my book)
Will come again for more feed back after reading more wich will be soon,
on my shelf,
Kimmy

I'm enjoying this. I've read the first two chapters and would like to read on.

It's a very good start. You set up your bad characters as evil from the first moment. Chapter two is also good, convincing magic talk and some threads of humour which is great. I haven't read on so i don't know how important Chayne is going to be, my only reservation from the pitch is that if Chayne is not a main character, we're now two chapters in and haven't met said main character. But without reading on i can't say if this is a problem or not.

Couple of little things from chapter 2 (if there was anything in chapter 1 i was too gripped to notice!):
intolerance – intolerant
distain – disdain

Basically, great, and i hope i can get back to read more!

Hi,

I'm a newbie here but a Veteran critiquer on the Online Writers Workshop. I'm also an Aussie and ex-gamer myself so I had to read your story when I read your profile.

Here are my comments on your blurb and your first chapter.

Despite being an ex-gamer I found the references to the 'ranger' character class to be a bit off-putting. I know that Tolkien coined the term in Lord of the Rings, but that referred to a group of individuals who had a specific job. The idea of a nation of rangers just doesn't work for me I'm afraid.

Overall, I thought your prose had too much telling and not enough showing in it. I'm guilty of this myself, so for me to think this, I thought I needed to point it out to you. As a suggestion perhaps you could put some of the necessary details into the dialogue between the two villains. Or perhaps you could have the new emperor gloat aloud to his dead rival about how stupid he'd been to allow himself to become vulnerable to such a plan. As it is, I think there's too much info dumping.

I also thought the main villain's actions were perhaps a little too melodramatic. In particular, I thought his 'deal' with the guard officer was over done. Perhaps it would have been better if he'd whispered his suggestion about framing the superior officer. This would indicate he was clever rather than being grossly over confident as he appears now. Still if this is a consistent character trait for the man then that's fine, but it certainly makes him appear overblown to me and probably not long in holding office.

Anyway, I hope these observations prove useful and good luck with your writing.

Phillberrie.

Miles,

I am back for a more thorough look…
Re-reading ch 1 … A line caught my attention…”He caught his reflection and turned his head for side to side, comparing his profiles…” – would it be FROM side to side?... that was not why I sited it. I like the arrogance and self absorption in that phrasing. So arrogant.
**typo… missing a quote before the ALL evidence shall point to your superior…
** the only criticism I have for chapter 1… although it is good, and I like it. And I get the ‘feel’ of power opening discussed, others may not. This chapter may be seen as a lot of information being “told” to the reader and not shown. I am not an expert, but people said it about mine and I changed things accordingly. Just becareful telling us too much background info too soon, BUT like I said, I thought it was good! I see a lot of my evil king in Estatoulie. But my Dur’Gamal is a buffoon. He is arrogant but very easily duped. …
anyway. chapter 2:
oh, which reads CHAPTER 1… does that mean the other one was a prologue?
** I do see an amount of incorrectly used commas. You need to watch that. There are a lot of people that will note every darn one! I can be distracting when reading. I pause in the wrong places….
**You need one here… “However all seemed relatively normal…” – “However, all seemed
** you don’t need one here… “He had no idea where it had come from, nor had he ever before, seen such…”—had he ever before seen such… *no need for a pause there.
**and here.. “This was just as well, as waking Fireball from one of its notorious deep naps, was not something…” – just leave it deep naps was not something
I will stop listing as I think you have my point. Be careful with punctuation. (mine is a mess, I speak from experience)
**I like the cute bits talking to his cat. Wizards (or mages, and spell castors, and such) seem to do that in books. Have pets they talk to like people. Cute touch! As well as the rest. This was a nice bit about the “magic dabbling friend”. Love the way the ends. Hehehe

**OK, IN chapter 3 (which is chapter 2 I guess) you shift POV. From Shinlay to Kinular and back again. This will be poo poo’ed upon. I can follow it because I do the same thing. I LIKE it, other tend not to. What I am doing is trying to edit parts so it doesn’t shift as often. Like going chapter to chapter OR scene to scene. It is hard paragraph to paragraph. In my book. After chapter 8, I think, I have a tendency to shift pov from paragraph to paragraph. Since I was ridiculed for that, and told it is hard to follow, I have forced to change it. I am trying one section one character and then shifting again for a while then back. Instead of back and forth and back and forth… So, just so you know, there will be people like me who like it cause I DO it. And people that will find it hard to read. I don’t know what is proper. I did not do well with grammer etc in school.

Over all… in several chapters now I like you tone. You establish good, likable characters and I can follow the sotry in you “world” that you created. This would be a book I would probably buy. Or put on a wish list for someone to buy for me…lol
Your description flows well. And your story pulled me along nicely.
I say, good job.
On the shelf!
Gina

Miles,
I LOVE the ‘hail me’…lol (I take notes as I read, fyi)
This is a very good opening! I like the disregard for human life. He TOOK power, it seems, and the emperor’s death was immaterial…
**people get on me for having hard names… Estatoulie… yeah, interesting.
**HEY, I have a bald headed Magi too! His name is Nessahr… :-)
This is A GOOD BEGINNING. (caps lock)…. I like the feel of “power” and them men who seek it. Interesting. I read one chapter and will read more in a little bit. I am sure I’ll shelf you later today :-P
Gina

Miles-- The good news is, this fantasy has good bones. That is, you have a rich world, with diverse cultures and enough magic to make it interesting without relying on the magic to do all the work. In other words, I think you are a good story teller, with a good story.

That said, I think you need to focus on your writing. You have some grammatical errors as far as verb tenses and punctuation, and in places you get a tad wordy. You also need to learn what point of view means, so that your story is told consistently in terms of whose point of view is the reader in.

All that, however, is learnable. I'm not sure story telling skill is, and you've got that.

Good luck with it, and have fun on Authonomy.

karen

OK, had a few mins to forage - herewith examples (IMHO) of course...

Chapter 2 .......the market seller had said they were of the highest quality and while both knew this not to be true the tradesman knew the look of a desperate man when he saw one ...
just a suggestion ...
an obvious lie, but the tradesman recognised a desperate man when he saw one.

......this time placing emphasis on each word for impact
maybe
......emphasising each word for impact


Simply my opinion - feel free to ignore!!

Good luck
Kat

Hi Miles,

I have read three chapters so far and I find your writing very strong in style and voice. The characters and places have fabulous names and the story is unfolding with good pace. I felt that on occasion there were some unnecessary words. This is not a genre I naturally choose to read, but it is clear to me that this is a well written piece. I wish you good luck,

Kat