The Protege

Sorry for the length delay, but your book is worth it. Shelved!

I think you have to stick to one character for the narration using words like avocation, summation and frequenters need to have to have a reason to be there. Who would use those sorts of words and in what context?

We do not need to know every table in the joint but we do need to smell and feel the atmosphere. The person you are leading us to is going to be the springboard of the story I get that but often there is a buzz, a tingling excitement about these types of guys. Those feelings would be better at building that tension between the two men.

Good luck

hi
I picked this to have a read, but I don't really think its one for me. The problems with the format is offputting: perhaps if you pulled everything off and re loaded you might cure that. Regarding the story, I think you've probably added too much detail to set up the story and its actually slowed the action down too much - the story is far more important than the setting in my opinion - a good editing would probably put that right. I think the characters show promise, and this is only one persons opinion, so please don't be down-hearted about my comments.
Best of luck and thanks for the opportunity to read.
regards
Barbara
Awakening the Magic.

First, I had a very difficult time getting past the formatting errors. I had to go to chapter 3 to find chapter 1. That made it difficult to settle down for a nice read afterwards. First impressions are important.

You are obviously not very far into this yet. I believe this must be a rough draft, so I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt. Even so, I had a difficult time with your writing style. It didn't flow quite right. That's just my opinion, though. A lot of others may find it appealing. One of my biggest problems was that your grammar and punctuation messed up your style. You might take some time to go back through and read what you have wrote looking for errors. Try to reduce the legnth of some of your sentences. They are confusing and hard to read. Also, consider the number of adjectives you use in some of your sentences; it amounts to overkill.

I am curious as to why you want comments if you are unwilling to edit based on good observations you recieve. You asked me to take a look at your book, so I did. I believe in honesty, but I see that you have already been cut to the gamut. I will leave it at what I have already said. Just think about this: a good writer is willing to work until the final word is polished.

Keep trying.

Tina Burton

I am going to ignore all the formatting problems you have with this, having an understanding of the difficulty of matching systems and getting non-technical people to understand what they need to do to accomplish this task properly.

The story, itself, having read all that is uploaded to date, is shallow and I could not find much to care about, except for Big Milwaukee, who, simply put, will be history very soon. Not a bright outlook on the horizon. In order to interest me any further, there would need be a reason to care about Charlie, care that he learn his lessons, his game, and conquer the talent of his sport. There is none, in fact, he is a nobody to the reading audience. Had the author gone into a description, the background, the hopes and desires, the thoughts and feelings of Charlie as much as he has detailed the bar and the pool tables, I might have found a reason to root for Charlie. Had the learning process been a bit more of a challenge, had there been more detail revealed in the lessons, something to sink the readers' teeth into, some reason to read and digest the words, I could have cared.

This author exhibits, with the description of the bar, the ability to control and direct his target audience, but does not follow through when it comes to the rest of the story, the important parts of what makes me want to devour the words. It just makes me want to pour him a few drinks and loosen him up so that he will cut loose with the good stuff. So frustrating.

I am not going to repeat all of the tips already left by others who have done so well to comment before me. They are well worth studying and applying to what is a fair attempt to tell this story.

Hi, William,

Okay, If you look at your chapters it says: 1 1 2 2 3 3 4 4 5 6 7. At 10:30 p.m i was able to open chapter 3 3 which read on my end as chapter 1. Just wanted to tell you that.

I read this entire chapter: Twice, three times. I still am bored with this opening. I can't get past it. I pushed myself. It might be me, this is not my genre, please keep that in mind. This is a critique to help not to hurt. If you want 5 stars to pull you up the ladder---fine! It matters not to me. If placing you on my shelf helps, fine! it matters not to me. Perhaps your sentences are too long and I am still waiting for you to tellme something exciting after all this long explanation and nothing comes.

---I like the part about the darts being placed next to the pay phones. I guess bars still have payphones.
---i like that you attached to the names of these sport heros to the teams they belonged to. This shows clarity. Especially to someone who does not know this.Yes, you're probably thinking these are legends, eveyone should know who they are. Guess again. Many do not. On that end you limit the readers and cast out others.

*you mentioned you will not be doing any rewrites or editing on this piece.*
With this said, I truly do not know how much to say in this chapter that will be constructive to you since, you will not improve on anything.

But here's my two cents.
A) I would have the bartender gaze around and maybe, find a memorabilia missing from the wall. Have him describe the bar. Get behind his POV. You will then be using limited multiple POV in this story that will enhance and intensify the scenes. Do you really need so much details? You spend more time on that than on the important issue. The issue is, and I am assuming, a relationship b/w bartender and the Big Man. This needs to be flsuehd out sooner. First chapters, at least for me, are the hardest. One thing I've learned, never fall in love with a sentence.
B) Your tone is probably the strongest suit. It's alright, not energetic, passionate or disruptive or sarcastic or head-strong. Its just there, period. Which, is a good thing because it's not intimidating to others who might disagree.
.
---I'm from Chicago. so I can visualize this bar. I'm thinking of the bar in the corner of my old home. Neon lights flashing against the tinted windows. Everytime the door would open, the stale smell of liquor and smoke would pour into the open air. And I couldn't understand how anyone could breathe nor spend hours inside!

C) You open with the word BUT too many times. On a piece like this here, NO-CAN-DO! On fantasy fiction for YA SURE! Not with this. Sorry. But no. If you delte the word but, some of your sentences will read fluent and stronger. Enhancing that thought or idea.
D) you can delete many of the 'ly' words and still sound effective. Even more so. Writing gets better like wine. We all know this. I never assume I know my trade 100% because i learn more everyday from so many different sources. Writing for me is pleasure---It is not what I do for a living. It does not matter if I take the advie form a 7 year-old or a 60 year-old, i learn, thats the bottome line. I say this because I want to help, not hinder.
Example:"He hurridly ran off." Just by saying he ran off, we got it. He ran off in a hurry, this is what my brain is telling me.
Example: "the big man turned his head to his right side." Just by saying: the big man turned his head to his right.----Is sufficient. it's an extra adjective that overkills.

Paragraghs breaks and dialog tags. This area needs improving. The paragraghs are too long with unecessary overkill details. The breaks should enhance a thought, a motion, or a key element to a turning point. In this chapter 1, there was no moving foward, no turning point. It just swayed. So i do not know where this story is headed, so why would I want to read the next chapter if there is no element to attach to this chapter one that would entice me on any emotional level to keep reading. You tried to create an arc with the Big Man and the bartender. It was too weak of an angle and came too late in this chapter.

D) omit all words unless dire.
to see
to hear
to think
to touch
to wonder
to realize
to watch
to look
to seem/seemed
to feel or feel lkie
can
to decide to sound or sound like

These are all distracters. They are telling and fillter words. Any times you can delete it from a sentence, and the sentnce will sound better polished.

Okay. . .i mentioned before i have no idea where this story is headed nor is there a strong enough arc for me personally to want to continue but here's a snag. You said the Big Man has noidea why the big fuss about him, and that he didn't think he was all that, he wasn't like the president . . .or words like that, i'm paraphrasing-apologies for not quoting, but on that very last line he breaks balls and the eight balls lands in the pocket. He grins, that tells me he was expecting that move and that he knows he's the shit! So this is cintradicting to the above thought. Unless, this is how you wished to portay him. And, so it will be confusing to others.

As for editing and punctuation. That's all blah-blah. Because, an agent want a story teller with a fresh approach. Past tense verbs and present tense, commas are all understandable. Spelling is not. Take us into this world and use all your senses. You have the potential hear. I never heard the balls thrack as they broke. Touch, smell, hear, where are they in this bar with so much potential for noise. Okay, there was a shuffle of feet. I didn't hear it--No I did not! I was told about it. Its a shame not to be making improvement on this piece when you are setting so much time on a back drop that it must have a strong plot.

Maybe open up with a visual match and don't come out and say its pool. Until maybe the end or thrid paragragh. Use all your senses to heighten emotion to connect with the reader. I felt it was a pool hall history lesson.

Once again, apologies for this critique if it does not meet with your expectations. But i have taken more time in typing this than in reading only becasue I want to help, especially since your goal is to make it to the top five. Emotions sells, story tellers sell, mystery and emotion and a deep connection to a universal group of readers is what you need to link with. Connect with.
Good luck
Happy writing
Nancy

Hi William. Thank you for inviting me. "The Protege" is a great title, right up on the family of The Hustle, The Cincinnati Kid and The Color of Money. That's great because you can use them as reference and models, but also raises the challenge level for the writer. I think you still can bring up the tension on the opening paragraph. Personally, I prefer more show and less tell. I want to feel like not leaving the pool table side when reading this first paragraph, like if I just came in to the bar and found this event unrolling and could not help it but staying to watch the match.

The chapters are mislabeled. I found a title page instead of the first chapter. Check that out.

Just finished reading through the first chapter and I'll definitely be looking at the rest tomorrow... it's late where I live. The writing is good overall, in my opinion. I'm not one for the short, terse Hemingway/McCarthy imitators and it looks like you aren't either. The writing flows and really gives me the feel of being in a blue collar bar in the Mid-West. Some of the sentences are a bit long though and somewhat convoluted. A few could and probably should be broken up a little, but overall I liked the tone of the first chapter. It's very mellow and relaxing, but there's depth to it and the reader can appreciate the effort you've put in to really make the bar and authentic place to us.

Hi, i have read it and although i know many have complained about the format, i didnt find it too bad, the formatting problem occurs mostly when we transfer documents from one type of software to another, or even within the same software from an old version to an updated version and vice versa...but yes, it should be corrected aimply because the professional refuse to read - rather stupid i know coz a good story is a good one regardless! Anyway i found it very interesting and i feel if it goes more or less in the same way, it can actually prove to later be a good idea to base a movie on, you know how poeple are crazy to make such movies-its good stuff.
Ill put iton my WL for now, just give me sometime to take care of the rest on my shelf then ill pt you up.
Menawhile best of luck
Nagwa
THE MIST and LIFE MAKES A NOVEL

I realise the formatting is dificult to get right on Authonomy and I read through anyway.

In chapter 1, we get an idea of Charlie and The Big Man. The typicality of the setting is familiar, as I have seen this in movies and am reminded of stories I have read in the past. However, I think you describe the characters well and the story is unfolding at a gentle pace, and this keeps the reader interested. I think this is a book that will appeal to a certain male demographic, and for that reason, I think it's commercially viable.

I still think The Protege needs some work with grammer and style, I am no expert, but I do think a professional edit would help. Look out for the over-use of 'Then' which is unnecessary in places;

He then slipped off his coat
"First rule," the Big Man then said
and then began to bring up the balls - one by one -

All the best with this work, starred and shelved,

Karen 19
The Way Things Are

You asked me to read and comment on your book. I have read the first page and will not read further. Here are my reasons.

First, the layout/structure. I don't know if it's deliberate or not, but the effect is to turn me off. Irritating your reader is not big or clever. It may be literary - I wouldn't know, but it certainly isn't commercial or wise.

Second, your writing has a number of serious technical flaws.

Third, I doubt very much that the world needs another story about pool. I certainly don't.

hi i read your work its not really my thing but i will make one suggestion sort out the layout

Hey Mark,

I read the first few chapters and think that you are doing a great job of building the setting for the story. What would really add a great hook is to explain a bit about Charlie's background that would explain his sudden urge to become a great player. Is there a darker motivation for Milwaukee to want to help him? Such details would help set up tension and make it irresistable for the reader to stop.

All the best with this project,

Brittanee
-Sinful

I agree with David Schild, who wrote 75 days ago that there are problems with the name `Charlie Grifter.' It might not seem like a big deal but it does pop out as a mistake. If you go with Grifter (a grifter is a con man) then this gives your book a comic book feel to it, it tends to make your book sound like a kids' book. Nothing wrong with an ethnic name, something similar to Stanley Kowalski, but if you want a more American-ized name, then, in college I met a lot of people from Milwaukee and they had names like: Tetzlaff, Thibedeau, Kanner...It looks very entertaining and I'll try to find the time to read all of it. It is not necessarily geared toward an older audience, but older people would recognize Wisconsin legends: Starr, Dowling, Yount, Molitor, Favre, Tauscher etc so you'll want to avoid those names...I don't agree with Bev Allen's comments. She took you to task for not inventing original characters. You're writing a type of literature where you have to stick to a formula. You're not trying to win the Noble Prize. People who read this type of literature know what they want - and that's likeable if unoriginal characters, witty or colorful dialogue and a compelling plot.

It captures the essence of a communal gathering place. The descriptive terms enhance the auro of the script. It is an easy read and mawkish. Thank-you for prompting me to read it.

It captures the essence of a communal gathering place. The descriptive terms enhance the auro of the script. It is an easy read and mawkish. Thank-you for prompting me to read it.

I think it's a very good story, its believable and incredibly realistic.
Very good job

Patrick McHenry
The Villain Order: Dawn of the Outsiders

I wasn't able to finish the first chapter only because my infant decided that I must now devote attention to her. But here are my notes from as far as I got:

Phone machines? Payphones?

Hanging over the pool tables, were shaped or ornate lights, adding... Remove comma after tables, maybe change to Hanging over the pool tables were shaped, ornate lights, adding...

Beer mugs were a common site seen on tables.... change site to sight. "site' refers to a place.

...or just to view one of the bars three hanging ... bars should be bar's

Big Milwaukee was the bars only... again bars should be possessive (bar's)

You have a few dashed (-) here and there which are fine but place a space on either side.

Nervousness, was not a word in the big mans vocabulary.... remove the comma and make mans possessive (man's)

(2) fixing for him, his favorite drink ... Remove the comma

the big mans breathing system....change to man's

"Wheres the head bartender at?" change to Where's

Also, when Charlie approached Big Milwaukee, you suddenly switched to Big's point of view without a section break. Since it doesn't appear that you are writing in third person omni, you should stick to third person limited and use section breaks if you switch to another's perspective.

Fun read!

Rebecca
~Askival

The plot and main characters of THE PROTÉGÉ are reminiscent of “The Hustler” and “Color of Money.” The similarities are not necessarily problems if your take on the archetype is believable and compelling. Since the plots of these stories tend to be similar, character development is the key. However, I am afraid that you have some work to do before your work is at the level that it should be.

Your characters’ motivations are unclear. After reading your manuscript, I was left with the following questions:

-Why does Milwaukee want to take his time to teach Charlie? I know M. is dying, but why does he choose Charlie?

-Why does Milwaukee want the complication of teaching anyone now? When he decides to take on Charlie, he has a big game coming up with a good player. Why is spending time with Charlie not a distraction? Also, if he trains Charlie in pool, he loses his favorite bartender.

-Why is being the best not enough of a legacy for M.?

-Why does Charlie want to learn to play? Why is he not satisfied with being just a bartender?

I agree with others who say that it is not believable for a person to become a pool shark in two weeks. You may be able to remedy this problem by changing Grifter’s back story a bit. He could be a talented but frustrated pool talent who lost his confidence and quit. Then, Big Milwaukee could be just the inspiration that he needs to get back to what he once loved.

I would suggest that you do a thorough grammar review, especially sentence structure and commas. You try to do too much with each sentence which leaves the reader confused and the pacing slow. Also, the insertion of commas where they do not belong makes your prose choppy and awkward. I know that many people think that this is an editor’s job, but if you know the rules, you will be better at communicating your vision, and your editor will be able to help you much more effectively. owl(dot)english(dot)purdue(dot)edu has an excellent page dedicated to explaining these points of grammar.

I cannot back your text now. However, I would be more than happy to read it again once you have done the necessary revisions. Good luck with your editing!

PamelaEdits
pamelaedits.blogspot.com
@PamelaEdits on Twitter

Hi Mark,
I think your story is sound (it reminded me of a film of a few years back - but that’s not necessarily important). However, I don’t think your writing is doing your story justice. Chapter 1 is presumably meant to be full of tension, but it lacks punch because of the long sentences and complex structure. The first sentence is a good example. I don’t know whether this is the sort of thing you’d want, but how about: ‘The pool racker’s hands were shaking so much the balls rattled noisily as he reset them. Even the smoking cigar stub balanced on his lower lip was trembling. Big Milwaukee, however, was simply leaning against the bar, calmly re-chalking his cue. So far that evening, he’d been challenged by two self-professed experts. He hadn’t just beaten them, he’d annihilated them…’
I may have got the wrong end of the stick but am sure you could make your MS a lot more snappy with shorter sentences. Have you tried calculating the Fog Index of your writing? Also, try and ‘describe’ rather than ‘tell’. Don’t say the racker was nervous, describe him so it’s obvious to the reader.
Most people assume pool bars are full of smoke. You could describe how the smoke seemed to circle round the pool racker, or BM.
Finally, I personally, wouldn’t bother to include the title and contents page. I suspect most Authonomy readers just want to get on with the extract. So, just go straight into the text and remove the page breaks/numbers. Getting the text formatting right can be a bit of a pain, but you don’t want to put potential reviews off by not having done it.
I think your work has potential but, in my humble (unpublished) opinion, it needs some brutal editing to knock it into shape. All doable, but it might be worth paying a professional to have a crack at it and then fine tune it afterwards. Hope that all helps. Good luck.
Rheagan Greene – Unwelcome Reflections

Hi Mark,
Commenting on your book is difficult for me since my taste is in different genre. Yet I browsed a couple of chapters and your impressive narration giving a clear picture about a pool. I think a balanced use of punctuation will help the reading flow, providing adequate break for reader. If you can reload to minimise the space, it will display excellent.

But …“You can right.” Keep it up.

Regards
Sali Kamar (…Ash…)

Hi Mark,

I read through a couple of chapters so far. On the positive side, you build a picture really well. I can totally see the bar, i can imagine all the characters and their habits and quirks. This pulls in a reader well. As someone who is a fan of visual styles of description i liked it

However some things that are a little hard to get past.There is a LOT of descriptive information to take in. The reader has no space to breathe and take in all the imagery you've thrown at him in the first few paragraphs. As you read on this becomes a little taxing. If you could give space for people to take in what you've written with some dialogue or a small incidental anecdote about a character that would punctuate your descriptions well!

Hope my comment was helpful!. When you get the time, do read my work let me know what you think as well!!

Cheers,

Ram

I found this very difficult to follow, at first I thought I was reading a summary of each chapter and it took me a while to work out there was a continuous narrative here. While I can understand a wish to experiment with form, I can't help feeling this experiment isn't one likely to catch on.
As far as the mss itself...I felt I had read/seen this set up before and I think I have seen it as a movie. I do know the characters all seemed very sterotypical of any poolhall set up and if you are going to surprise the reader with an odd structure, it might be equally good to surprise them with some orginal characters.
.

I have to agree with previous comments, two weeks is too short to learn pool. Try separating the title and table of contents from the first chapter. The spaces aren't a problem in hard copy, but they are on a webpage. I like the idea of doing a story on pool, but too much focus is put on the description and causes the plot to drag. Perhaps mingle the introductory description in the beginning with the interaction of the two men later on in the chapter. Reveal the scene bit-by-bit as the reader meets the character.

Reben

Interesting pitch, but unfortunately it is not possible to become a professional pool player in 2 weeks - even in Fiction. It also sounds too similar to The Color of Money.

Mark,
To be honest, it's not up my alley. But in saying that, it was a darn good read. I thought it was edgy and sharp.
I have to agree with some of the other comments though, that the white space made things a bit funny to read.
On my watchlist with a 4 star rating.
Samantha

Commenting on this book for me would be hard because its not what i normally read, but i found it well written. But the numbering was a tad confusing and sort of threw me off with the white space and how there was a gap between words in a sentance.

Mark,

You are great at showing the reader the setting. I agree with one of the comments below that all of the white space in the chapters take away from the reading. The genre isn't something I would usually read, but it is off to a good start. Keep up the good work and best of luck to you with this!

Outstanding detail, and just like pulp fiction! Weird names fit this novel well, though you may just want to change them, if other readers do not agree.

Mark,
I read the first chapter. It reminds me of pulp fiction, not that that's bad. I really found the numbering through the chapter disconcerting. Do you need to do that? I've read many novels like this growing up, usually detective stuff. I like the story. I'd come up with another name than Grifter though. Maybe a Polish name, or German since so many Germans populated Wisconsin. I got he feel of the pool hall. I'll put you on my WL for now until shelf space opens up. In the meantime, please read "The Next John Elway."
David Schild

It's well written just not my cup of tea

Mark,

You had me at Kenosha! (The main character from my book is from Wauwautosa, WI. In the original draft she was from Kenosha! But enough about that…this is about your book!)

I am sorry it’s taken me so long to read this. You are probably already aware of the things I’ve noted below, and in any case, I take no offense to you ignoring them completely. An editor will catch everything anyway. I know that in my own manuscript, there are a lot of minor little typos and things I missed. No matter how many times we read it and re-read it and look over it again, we just see the words how we thought we wrote them. I point these things out for other writers in hopes that people will do the same for me. Call me an annoying overachiever; I know it’s true. ;)

Since you asked me to read your work, I wanted to give you more than a nice strong handshake and pat on the back for a ‘job well done.’

Ch1 - $200:
-…(yet they never seem to [do]) *do what?
-…adding an amiable ambient… *ambiance?
-…Bucks poster covered another and a Wisconsin Badgers[’], beer… not sure about the apostrophe, it makes it feel like something is missing after Badgers.
**What about the Packers? You can’t forget our champs! ;) I would understand if it was strictly a Milwaukee bar, but you did add the Badgers and they’re in Madison.
*You might consider reducing the number of hyphens you use…? You can use an ellipsis, commas, long dashes, or even parenthesis to convey the same pause or break in thought.
-…buy drinks [on the house]… *doesn’t ‘on the house’ mean the owner of the bar gives the customer something for free? (for the house? Drinks all around?)
-…his lemon(-)scented clothe (cloth). *this one actually should be hyphenated.
-…looked Charlie (up and) down…
**I can total visualize the bar and its patrons. It helps that I’m a Wisconsinite. ;)

Ch 2 - Master Work:
-…bar(‘)s own personal mascot…
*Do you mean chips like French fries? Or chips like potato chips (crisps for our UK friends)? Just wondering because earlier you said he ate fish & chips, meaning fries, right? If the fries were all that’s left, to avoid confusion with your American audience, I wouldn’t say chips. (unless, of course, they are actual chips)
-“I’m the best, you know?” the big (man) said…
-Charlie thought quietly about the ideal (idea)…
-And, this circumstance hadn’t gone unknown (unnoticed?) by Charlie. *sounds a little awkward as written.
-“Always make sure your (you’re) comfortable…” *keep an eye out for the wrong your/you’re.
-…whacked the cue ball with his stick [causing the latter] to explode… *maybe rephrase this sentence? It’s a little confusing, I had to read it a couple times to realize you meant the cue ball was the ‘latter’ object and not his stick.

**I really feel like going out and playing pool now! :)

Ch 3 - A win is a win:
-After an hour(‘)s time…*Maybe do a once-over and check for missing apostrophes as it’s a common occurrence.
-“Coming right up,” he then simply replied to the big man, and then hurrying off to do his work. *consider rephrasing? This sounds odd as written. (possibly something like: “Coming right up,” he replied simply before hurrying off to do his work.)

**I like Charlie a lot. As an audience, we can already tell he’s caring, and his admiration for Big Milwaukee is really cool. Even though he lacks a bit of confidence talking to the big man, he brings him his drinks and moves about his day in a poised and professional manner. His excitement to learn from the master is quite endearing.

Ch 4 – Hurried Learning:
-Charlie carried [a] (the) cue case in his hand… *we know it’s not just a random case.
-And worse then (than) all that…
-[Again], he [then] circled… *one or the other? Also with the next sentence
-…eventually fell into the corner (pocket?).

Ch 5 – The Match:
-…had drank (drunk?) a small glass of beer. *or perhaps just take out ‘drank’? It sounds uncomfortable.
-…tossed it under[_]. *missing a couple words?

**I don’t know if it is a flaw or bug on authonomy’s part or you meant to end your selection in the middle of a sentence, but I worry that it leaves the reader hanging in a dissatisfied way instead of a cool cliffhanger sort of way.

**I am always a fan of books and movies set in Wisconsin. There aren’t nearly enough of them. ;) I think that you’ve got the great start of a book here. I believe the relationship between the two men, even though it’s at the very beginning of their (what I assume will be short-lived) friendship. I think that, if you haven’t already, it would benefit you greatly to do an editing pass. It will only make your story stronger.

I hope I wasn’t too off-putting with my notes. In my opinion, we have all put our hearts on our sleeve in hopes to receive positive feedback on our work, and it certainly is rewarding when we get that feedback, but sometimes I'm not sure it's enough.

Nice job!
Sincerely,
Wendy (Gwendolyn)
Breakaway

I love the premise. It's not what I'd usually read, but if I happened to have a copy of it and a few hours to spare, I can see myself lapping this up.

Three technical issues though:

1) Plot. Is two weeks enough time to master pool, or indeed anything else? I'm interested to see how you handle this as the story unfolds.

2) Formatting. Serious issues with the file conversion; the formatting of your original file isn't working with Authonomy's setup. This will be a big issue any time you sub the book to a publisher.

3) Oxford Commas. Lots and lots of commas littering the prose; they're not technically incorrect, but nor are they generally considered the "most correct" usage. You could probably lose about half your commas and improve the flow of the prose.

I love imagery - when done well it takes you from reading words on a page to seeing the story before you. This is why I love poetical touches like "adding an amiable ambient to the smoky bar atmosphere" (by the way - think it should be "ambience"). You've got to be careful not to step into overly metaphorical language though which can sometimes look like showing off - I'm not sure about the image where "Charlie nodded as his stance slowly cavorted" - maybe rethink cavorted in order to personify Charlie's movements?

Anyway, enough of the intricate detailality - as a ripping read which just makes me want to keep scrolling it is a winner. I love the characterization and the way you progress the story through speech.

Good stuff.

Mark

Ok Mark, the premise is good, the technical aspects of your writing not so much. And I feel that your characters need to be more three dimensional...but I have only read the first complete chapter.

You obviously have a fan base and I do not want to take that away from you, maybe your style contradicts my own but I feel it needs more...maybe description, maybe detail...I will come back when I have read more.
Thank you for asking me to read this. It definitely has something...

Millie Cameron
Crown of Thorns

Hi Mark, thanks for asking me to read your book.

I think you have two strong characters in Charlie and Big Milwaukee and you get to the point of the story pretty quickly. Obviously with there only being five chapters there is a lot of the story to go and I get the sense that the introduction is over by chatter five and you are starting on the main story line.

Like the descriptions of the people who frequent the bar, it might be good to have another couple of prominent characters who are locals to help give a better feel of the type of people Charlie is working with.

there are typos and some areas that need editing throughout. For example, in chapter one there is a lot of repetition of the word only. And there seem to be random page numbers in the chapters which alter the flow but these are things that can be rectified with a good edit and re uploading the manuscript in a different format.

Although I get the impression that this manuscript is still quite new with some work to be done I would read more if posted or published.

Best of luck with it and please find time to find Lucky in Life.

Take care
Annie

Hi Mark,

There is a bit of a layout issue with the page numbers splitting passages which interrupts the flow. Apart from that, I like the sparse style of writing and it has the potential with a bit of polishing to be a very good story indeed. I can smell the beer and cigar smoke as you write.

backed & rated.

Rob

Chapters 1-6 Interesting. With a lot of work, this could be a good read.
As a book, this reads rough. This looks great as an outline. Ready for editing, filling out and adding dialogue where the story would benefit from the 'show don't tell' rule. I'm not sure what the numbers are for, but if they are page numbers as others have suggested, please note that most published pages are about 250 words per page.
Dennise
Summer Vacation

Well, it seems you have the start to a good story. I enjoy a good game of pool, but I'm not that good at it. I just read your first chapter. I was confused by the spacing and numbers, though. I don't think there's much I can say that hasn't been said of the editing. So, I wish you the best of luck!

God Bless,
Trista Herring-Baughman

Poorly spelled, threadbare knock off,of the Hustler.

After reading a few chapters I realized I was truly drawn to the relationship you were build between the young bartender and the master pool player. Therefore I have backed your book. If you can draw me in, not easy to do, you gain my backing. Denise

I'm sorry I'm going to be so rough, but I have to make comments after reading the first chapter (part one?), only. I'll put this on my watchlist, since the story itself is interesting, but the technical aspects need a lot of work before I'll be able really grab onto the story itself.

First off, it would help a GREAT deal if you would upload a version that doesn't have the page breaks and page numbers in it. There are also a great deal of punctuation errors, and a few spelling errors. I think you're also trying to throw "big" words in places they don't belong. Double check with a dictionary or thesaurus if you're not 100% sure the word fits where you want to put it. I've done the same thing because two words sounds kinda the same, but are vastly different, and may not even apply (or mean the wrong thing) in the sentence I originally thought to put it in.

I can really feel the enthusiasm you have in writing this story, but it's causing you to go off track a lot, and not in a good way. Try organizing your thoughts a bit more. I can see that the information is important to the story, but there has to be another way to bring the information in--possibly in smaller chunks, or as part of character development.

You're trying to use foreshadowing, but it's not subtle enough (supposedly a flu, "nothing more"). "Nothing more" suggests that the one whose being focused on (I think it was the bartender at that point, but it's hard to tell) has an idea that it could be something more. Also, "beginning of a beautiful relationship" is very cliche and tacky, and completely unnecessary. It's also very sudden. What kind of relationship? Because there hasn't been any indication that the bartender wants to learn pool, or even what the pool shooter has in mind for the relationship beyond being served good drinks, adding that line in there is almost like saying "I think I'm in love" after seeing someone you've never met do a decent job at the karaoke machine.

I know you're doing this in 3rd person, but who's shoulder are you looking over? It's hard to tell if you're going from the pool shooter or the bartender. You CAN do both, but don't keep switching back and forth--usually chapter and section breaks about the only good places to switch. If you want to describe actions from both shoulders in a single scene, do so without looking in their heads (think movie camera, not telepathic sprite).

Give the story a good workover, and let me know. I'll be happy to help you along. There's definitely some good elements there, but I think you're trying too hard on some levels and not being critical enough on others.

it's good start... i am sorry but i really dont know how to offer suggestions or critique ...but too muchpage breaking is there isnt it ???

I read part of the first chapter. Don't worry, I'll keep it on my watchlist for later, but I have one thing to say.

SENTENCE FLUENCY.

Nearly all of your sentences are really REALLY long. And while it is good to know how to put together a long sentence in a way that the readers can understand, putting too many together in a paragraph is hard on the eyes. Short sentences make a point. Having different lengths of sentences makes for better flow.

I bet you didn't notice how the sentences in that paragraph went medium, long, short, medium. Or maybe you're clever and you did. But I did it on purpose. I could have written it differently - with all short sentences or all long - but when they're different like that, it simulates the way people speak, and that makes it easier for the reader.

Did it again :) But here's a site that will help a little more than I will:
http://www.ttms.org/writing_quality/sentence_fluency.htm
Good information. Something every writer should always keep in mind.

In other news, I will read your book. Eventually. I have quite a few on my list right now. Remember, you get better at writing by writing. Don't stop just because you've finished a manuscript :)

~Laura

The set-up to this book is easy for lazy people like me to read. You really did put me in the bar with the patrons and Big Milawee's game. I know the sections are supposed to be in pages, but the cut off sentences look too choppy. I would suggest keeping them together to help them flow together. Also, don't forget apostrophes for possessive nouns and fight up the puntation within the sentences. I found it rather distracting. Just clean up your errors and thus story will really live up to its potential.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An intriguing start. An interesting main character. Good descriptions. Not much tension in this chapter. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... and Wisconsin Badgers', beer mugs were a common site seen on tables.' Remove the comma and 'site' should be 'sight.'
2) ' ... but easy enough to find ones way through.' Ones (plural) should be one's (possessive). There are many more cases in this chapter where the plural form is used when the possessive form is appropriate.
3) "Yes sir," responded Charlie. Comma after 'yes.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where you address someone but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
4) "Wheres the head bartender?" Wheres should be where's (contraction for where is).
5) "Its one of my personal fortes." Its (possessive pronoun) should be it's (contraction for it is).

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if it's worthy, keep it in mind when you next reshuffle you bookshelf?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

This reminds me somehow of that film...with Paul Newman. Its very well written, with short snappie sentences. The only thing is, you need to take out the page numbers and the contents page for uploading to Authonomy, as its very annoying. But I'm backing this :D

A different approach and a book that I could pick up and put down without missing too much action. Not my sort of read but good anyway.
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley
Hope you enjoy it

I like how your story feels like a pool hall. Big Milwaukee makes me think of Minnesota Fats. Good job setting the atmosphere with specific detail. I also noticed some effective sentence structure that adds to the drama like: 6) ...that the big man had a cold. The flue. But, no matter. He was...

Your story will get stronger when you do some tightening. For example: same, single shot. Take 'single' out, it's unnecessary, and adds clutter, which weakens the phrase.

Happy writing,
Robin West
'Pentacles and Pentecost'