Book Jacket

 

rank 87
word count 84259
date submitted 13.03.2011
date updated 24.05.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Comedy
classification: universal
complete

ETHEREAL WITNESSES

Kenneth Walford

Karen a medium in trance bound and gagged inside a cabinet, in a dark room full of strangers. What could go wrong?

 

Karen Wilson a renowned medium is accused by Robert Stone a notorious sceptic, of fraudulent practices during a seance.

Respected lawyer, Paul Lovatt is infuriated because he is a staunch believer in Karen Wilson’s extraordinary psychic abilities. He was captivated after witnessing his wife’s grandfather materialise at a seance. However, now there are grave doubts about his credibility as an eye witness.
Paul Lovatt didn’t take kindly to Robert Stone’s statement, that( Anyone attending séances and being deceived by trickery, are morons.) That launched Paul on a mission. He would stop at nothing to prove Karen’s innocence of fraud, and in so doing. He would defend his belief in her amazing mediumship. The story became big news and gained a huge following as people across the country waited in anticipation for the showdown with a televised séance. Karen and Paul would put their reputations, careers and honour on the line.Someone was determined to stop Karen making that TV appearance. Her car was damaged; she had phone calls, poison-pen letters. Finally, a convicted rapist recently released from gaol was hired and given details of when she would be at home alone.

 
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tags

, enlightenment, enlightning, huhour, humour, paranomal, paranormal

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58 comments

 

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Connie King wrote 92 days ago

Ethereal Witnesses. What an out-standing, remarkable book that's packed with intrigue and zest about the spiritual world. On times it was unerring truth, portrayed by real characters and your marvellous storytelling, to be savoured. I was truly engrossed in every chapter, every right turn of events that appeared around every corner. It doesn't disappoint in humanity and humour. I would buy this book now if it were out there on Waterstones' shelves. I look forward to seeing this rise and hit the ed's desk.
Kind Regards Connie. x

Olive Field wrote 102 days ago

Ethereal Witnesses has all the elements that create a excellent otherworldly or supernatural novel. He keeps the next life as normal as this one, which actually works really well. Neil and Maureen could be your own Mam and Dad so we relate to how tragic the prologue is. Yet it is full of great humour. This is a genre I love to watch on T.V but have never read. I have enjoyed it and given it high stars.
Will shelf as soon as I can.
Best Wishes.
Olive.

Philchurch77 wrote 128 days ago

Hi,

I liked your pitch and I read the first chapter today. I backed you because I liked the premise and I really enjoyed the dialogue - I thought the opening conversations were very entertaining and helped to bring out the characters.

Phil

Red2u wrote 368 days ago

I was attracted to your pitch and have read the first chapter. I really like the storyline and have rated it. Will be back for more.

I've gone back to the pitch. Of course as a novice these are simply my own thoughts so you may use them or disregard.
The short pitch: I would take out Death perhaps? Leave the readers in suspence.
The long pitch :
I would start a new paragraph with A television....then Will Karen risk....and drop the rest . Again let the readers find out as they read the book.
You do have a good book in the making!
Red
Red

Joel Coen wrote 11 days ago

psychic, or psychotic?

Shelby Z. wrote 14 days ago

Whoa this is really eerie!
The style is very different but you write this really well.
you pull the reader in by the eerie beginning.
It isn't my type of story, but you do write this very well.
The title is original.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.
Shelby

divilthebit wrote 26 days ago

Hi I enjoyed this and wish you all the best. Am a big fan of all things other worldly. Being Irish we know its all true, as evidenced here www.nuthollow.com.

writingbear wrote 36 days ago

Kenneth,

I backed you excellent book today. I wish you the very best of luck in the future. If you could please take a look at my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. If you should decide to back it, your help will be appreciated.

Dwain-Thomas

Adeel wrote 36 days ago

An amusing, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are entertaining with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Eileen Kardos wrote 53 days ago


The ingredients of your story are well-presented in the pitch, and this gives us an accurate flavour of what is to come. The last sentence of the pitchy is especially dramatic, and perhaps a bit of a cliff-hanger. There is a market out there for a story like this, certainly. I do not know whether it will "convert" non-believers, but I do think it will be greatly appreciated by those who are already interested in this area.

I like the gentle occasional sense of humour. I like the straightforward narrative style. Those who are familiar with this territory will instantly recognise all the usual patterns and themes, and the feeling of warmth and compassion. I know that many people are turned away from this topic, for whatever reasons, but this is presented sympathetically and not at all melodramatically. The tone is very respectful.

It is very moving when he is unaware where he is, and his wife does not yet have the nerve to tell him, and is so overcome with emotion. This sequence is very effective and touching.

I think I spotted a few small typographical errors, and would perhaps suggest some closer proof-reading.

There are definitely people out who will want a story like this, so I wish you well with it.

from
Eileen Kardos
The Noodle Trail

Voyageur wrote 58 days ago

Kenneth,
Enjoying your story. Only read chapter one, but the storyline interests me and so i will continue reading when i have some time, meanwhile, i have rated it it an put it on my shelf. Good luck
Shell

Billy Young wrote 60 days ago

Interesting beginning but not sure how it comes under the fantasy genre. Best of luck with it though.

Su Dan wrote 63 days ago

interesting story with effective narrative and dialogue...
l will back...
read SEASONS...

Lubna wrote 90 days ago

I've read the first four chapters and found the book gripping. I look forward to reading the remaining chapters, which have been uploaded. I have backed your book

Connie King wrote 92 days ago

Ethereal Witnesses. What an out-standing, remarkable book that's packed with intrigue and zest about the spiritual world. On times it was unerring truth, portrayed by real characters and your marvellous storytelling, to be savoured. I was truly engrossed in every chapter, every right turn of events that appeared around every corner. It doesn't disappoint in humanity and humour. I would buy this book now if it were out there on Waterstones' shelves. I look forward to seeing this rise and hit the ed's desk.
Kind Regards Connie. x

Connie King wrote 92 days ago

Ethereal Witnesses. What an out-standing, remarkable book that's packed with intrigue and zest about the spiritual world. On times it was unerring truth, portrayed by real characters and your marvellous storytelling, to be savoured. I was truly engrossed in every chapter, every right turn of events that appeared around every corner. It doesn't disappoint in humanity and humour. I would buy this book now if it were out there on Waterstones' shelves. I look forward to seeing this rise and hit the ed's desk.
Kind Regards Connie. x

Tamria wrote 93 days ago

Hello, I read a good deal of your first chapter. Although it's fantasy and has humour, this isn't normally the sort of thing I read, but I enjoyed it. I do agree with your feeling that it needs proof-reading, but I wouldn't shell out hundreds of pounds for that yet, do as much as you can to smarten it up and only send it off when you just need little things tidying up. Some of your punctuation appears to be over the place, with commas and full-stops being used interchangeably around dialogue. There are odd words here and there that you could cut out, and occasional phrases which might be better worded. Plus some strange spellings like "Gees" ("Geez") and "God dam-it" ("God damn it"/"Goddamn it") Apart from that, though, a good read, and I can't fault your style, which is pacy and descriptive. Here are some comments on the bit I read.

Hope you'll take a look at my offering, "Tamria", as well. Don't feel obliged to, if it's not your thing. It's young adult fantasy, an adventure with lots of humour.

James


****

"it was so incredible bright" - think you mean "incredibly bright"

"... and yet it was not a stark blinding light, in fact; Neil was able to stare with wide-open un-shaded eyes at a silhouette of a large man standing solid like a doorman at a night club" - I think this could benefit from a full-stop and new sentence start after "blinding light." The semi-colon after "in fact" should be a comma. "It was so incredible bright, and yet it was not a stark blinding light. In fact, Neil was able to stare with eyes unshaded at a silhouette of a large man standing solid like a doorman at a night club." I also don't think you need the "wide open eyes", but that's just me.

"anything past or to either side of the door" - maybe "anything beyond or to either side of the door"

"Neil, started to turn around to find out where he was" - remove the comma after "Neil." Do we need the "around" after "turn"? I don't think so. "Neil started to turn to find out where he was"

"but he was attracted by movement, and he unconsciously stared back into the light" - lose the second "he", it's not needed. "he was attracted by movement, and unconsciously stared back into the light"

"Flickering beams swirling around his body like miniature search lights" - "flickering" needs to be all lower-case; also, you've used the word light four times in this paragraph, try a different word.

"came to a solid halt" - I like this word use here - "solid halt" - but you used the word "solid" to describe the doorman earlier. Is this intentional?

"this man towering over him" - change "this" to "the". "looked up at the man towering above him." Maybe "towering over" rather than "above".

"He said in a deep calming voice" - "He" should be lower-case, since this is continuing from the dialogue and not a new sentence. If you rephrased: "He said this in a deep calming voice", that could work with a capital first letter, since it would be a new sentence.

"Where, the bloody hell am I?" - lose the comma after "where". "Where the bloody hell am I?" Also, there's a lot of "erms" here. I know I use the occasional "um" in my book but as a rule (I've been told) you should avoid writing "erm" and "um" in fiction. Feel free to ignore this though.

"'My bed? Hey,' he circled his hands" - you need to change "he" to "Neil", to avoid confusion as to who's speaking here.

"sleep walking" - just my opinion, but I think this should be hyphenated. "sleep-walking". Silly nit-pick, a matter of personal taste.

"He turned in the direction that the man had indicated" - lose "that", it's an unnecessary word. "He turned in the direction the man had indicated".

"'Wow!' his blue eyes roamed" - "his" is the start of a new sentence so it needs a capital: "His blue eyes roamed"

"roamed slowly around the room" - I think you should the "around", it's another unnecessary word. Also, recommend putting the adverb in front of the verb. "His eyes slowly roamed the room." I don't think you should mention the colour of his eyes in this way unless it's a direct observation from another character, the POV. Are character eye-colours really important in telling a story? I have only three characters in my book whose eye colour is mentioned, and one of those is because it's an important physical characteristic (his eyes can change colour.) It's really not an important detail.

"'A hospital,' he uttered" - think you mean "muttered"

"... and his mouth remaining open as he took another slow look around" - if you lose the "and" this could work. But if you keep the "and", you must insert a comma after "uttered" ("muttered"), and change the tense of "remaining." "'A hospital,' he muttered, and his mouth remained open as he took another slow look around."

"'A hospital but what the...?' he glanced about guiltily" - again, "he" should be the start of a new sentence.

"'Don't mind about that at the moment,' the man advised amiably" - don't you mean "'Don't worry about that at the moment'" ? Also, I have a hard time picturing this imposing, bodyguard/bouncer type speaking "amiably." With a verb like "advised", you probably don't need an adverb anyway. Just "the man advised"

"'That, lose of memory, is only temporally I shouldn't wonder'" - change to: "'That loss of memory should only be temporary."

"awhile" - ooh, an Americanism! I'm an English writer and I used to get a (verbal) rap on the knuckles whenever I wrote like this in primary school English class. "a while." Two words. Again, feel free to ignore, if that's an acceptable American way of writing.

"He cleared his throat, 'I mean..." - comma should be a full-stop, since you're starting a new sentence here.

- I'm not going to keep commenting on these instances of commas and full-stops being used interchangeably, since there are quite a few of them; just think carefully about which punctuation needs to be used.

"underneath the garment" - maybe "beneath the garment"

"'What the hell, have I got on?'" - why the comma here? It sounds like he's pausing for breath. "What the hell have I got on here?"

"How did I get here... Why am I?" - should be "Why am I here?" Otherwise it doesn't make sense.

"... or a wee kilt I suppose" - oh, so Neil speaks with a Scottish accent as well! I don't recall that being mentioned anywhere before. Far as I know, only Scots use words like "wee"

"but felt very uncomfortable with being left there alone" - remove "with" and one other word here: either "felt very uncomfortable being left alone" or "felt very uncomfortable being there alone."

In this next short paragraph, you have two occurrences of the word "light", and the last word is "right", which sounds similar. Try to avoid using the same word.

"grave digger" - needs a hyphen: "grave-digger"

"Neil raised a cynical eyebrow" - I like this phrase! It's a good description and gives us a clue about Neil's character. (That he's a cynic, or at least slightly cynical.)

"Gees" - I've always seen this spelled with a "z", not an "s". "Geez."

"just an attempt at trying to shake off the feeling of hopelessness" - lose the "trying to". "Attempt to shake off the feeling of hopelessness."

"...still wondering, what the hell he was doing here?" - change the order of those words, "he was" - "was he"

"God dam-it" - hmm, either one word: "Goddamn" or two words "God damn". I've never seen it written that way before.

"he cussed, clenching his fist" - lose "he cussed"; we know he's cussing. "'Goddamn it, why am I here?' His fist clenched."

"A mans voice" - apostrophe needed. "A man's voice"

"startled Neil back into awareness" - this seems a bit clumsy to me. "jolted Neil back into awareness" might work. "startled Neil back to the present" is an improvement, I feel.

"Neil was astonished that there had been other people around the other bed all the time" - "Neil was astonished to see that there had been other people..."

Juliemom wrote 94 days ago

very good i have enjoyed what i have read so far and will continue to read it well done you

stevedad wrote 94 days ago

ive read the first few pages and think this book deserves to be ranked much higher than it is

Tom Bye wrote 94 days ago

hello Kenneth-
book- Ethereal-

Read the prologue and the first few chapters of this book-
Have to say, I got engrossed right from the first page, the paranormal is indeed and intriguing subject matter-
Found the writing and story to be very original and so real,.
the dialogue on stage is very good and enjoyable to read. nice touch of humour here .
you have a good way of capturing the atmosphere-

good luck- highly rated
tom bye
book - from hugs to kisses'
oblige please and glance at some of mine-you might like chapters 17-18

Always bright wrote 97 days ago

Well I must say Ken, I'm glad mom asked me to shelf this. Being a sceptic myself, I read the first two chapters. I love where she explains how mediums are accused of hiding things under loose clothing. It's a great opening with the ghost and really enjoyed it!! I have given it 6 stars, Well done!
Always J

Olive Field wrote 102 days ago

Ethereal Witnesses has all the elements that create a excellent otherworldly or supernatural novel. He keeps the next life as normal as this one, which actually works really well. Neil and Maureen could be your own Mam and Dad so we relate to how tragic the prologue is. Yet it is full of great humour. This is a genre I love to watch on T.V but have never read. I have enjoyed it and given it high stars.
Will shelf as soon as I can.
Best Wishes.
Olive.

writingbear wrote 124 days ago

Kenneth,
I checked out your fine book, ETHEREAL WITNESS, and I decided to back it. If you would take a look at my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, for your possible backing, your help will be appreciated.

Dwain-Thomas

Philchurch77 wrote 128 days ago

Hi,

I liked your pitch and I read the first chapter today. I backed you because I liked the premise and I really enjoyed the dialogue - I thought the opening conversations were very entertaining and helped to bring out the characters.

Phil

David J Baron wrote 137 days ago

Hi Kenneth

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

hayely smith wrote 191 days ago

Hi i have finally got you backed! thanks for waiting, its a well writtern book. i will keep you on here till i change my shelf (usually a month) well done.

Come and have a gannda at FAIRY RING FARM and let me know what you think x

J.S.Watts wrote 211 days ago

An intriguing premise and the makings of a page turning story.

I like Neil’s disorientation in the prologue and the occasional humour. For someone with an awareness of spiritualism, however, it took Neil a long time to work out what was happening. I personally felt the opening chapter/prologue could have been tightened up and shortened. I also noticed some punctuation glitches. Chapter two would also benefit from a tightening, in my opinion.

I was surprised by the transition between the two chapters and wondered whether a better link might be the actual presence of Karen at the end of the first chapter/prologue and likewise a presence right at the start of chapter two, (this is just my take on matters, however). Despite the potential drama of Neil’s realisation of the situation, reference to Karen, the main protagonist of the book apparently, is all tell and no show in the prologue. Chapter two’s beginning, it all came to pass as foretold, likewise seemed a bit limp. I would have like a more positive and dramatic link and an earlier plunge into elements of the actual story, but that maybe just me.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

Fontaine wrote 214 days ago


You have a very interesting subject here for a story and it will intrigue people who know nothing or little about the subject. But, having a good story is only half the work and style is very important. As in th first chapter, I feel you need to tighten everything up. What happens in this scene? There is a meeting in the church, there is a storm, there is a manifestation and there are two difficult customers. You don't need to take forever elaborating this.

The conversation about the storm and the possible problems this will call with having to change the programme and the lack of concentration on the part of the audience, can be expressed much more leanly and thus carry more impact. The discussion of the storm and the description of it is, in my view, spun out too long. It is an important feature of the evenings proceedings but there are other more important things to highlight.

I feel you need to make Karen's presence in the box much clearer at the start. Describe exactly where she is and that she is tied up etc. This will focus the attention on what is about to happen.

Once you have the two troublemakers outlined, I don't feel you need to describe them so much. I know they nearly took over in the meeting but there is too much of them featured. What age are they, how they are dressed etc just needs mentioning once. Why has one a walking stick if he is wearing hoodies and low slung jeans? Also you state that they sat separately but they seem to be very together in the scene.

Your characterisation is good and I like David very much. Karen is shadowy and I did feel that she spent quite a lot of time eating cake. I know that you wanted to show that she witnessed none of the action but would she have been really as off hand about it? She would have wanted to know everything that happened (?) Or is it just an everyday occurrence for her? Maybe I don't fully understand how mediums work and she would be too tired to take an interest. But it's just a thought.

Be careful not to repeat words in subsequent sentences. For instance. 'However, the programme had been changed because (of) the conditions.' Then you repeat 'conditions' in the next sentence. It would be neater to write something like 'However, the programme had been changed because, with an immanent storm threatening, conditions were not favourable.'

Then, later, you use 'big mouth' twice. You could say 'You haven't shut up in an hour.' (I doubt they would have been allowed to continue heckling aithout intervention for an hour!)

'the one he considered to be the dominant one.' could just be 'the one he considered to be dominant.'

gulp-in shouldn't have a hyphen

'The storm that has been threatening' could simply be 'the storm finally arrived' to avoid repeating 'threatening'

This book is set in the UK I believe so the use of 'gotten in' is, to my ear, an Americanism that stands out.

'began' - 'had begun'

'David grinned affable' this should be either 'David grinned, affable.' or 'David grinned, affably.'

'Where in deed ' - 'Where indeed'

'frigin' - 'friggin'

The paragraph describing the melting of her face has too many 'faces ' in it. Hard I know but think about rewriting that whole paragraph.

A few more typos -
'as he struggles to get passed' - 'past'

'unemotionally' - 'unemotional'

'patients' - 'patience'

'but broke eye contacted' - 'contact'

'apologies' - ' apologise'

'fowl language' - 'foul'

'loose canons' - 'cannnons'

'straitened up' - 'straightened up'

'composer' - 'composure'

' pored' - 'poured'

'I did catch some off it' -' of'

I feel that these typos, which I have included simply because I made notes as I went along, are a lot less important as they can be weeded out in a professional edit. It is the style and composition of the sentences that needs addressing. Perhaps try cutting the chapter by a third and see what it reads like then.

As I said the characters are good and the scene in the church is exciting once the manifestation occurs.

One last quibble. Wouldn't most of the people there be spiritualists and therefore not too panicked by the events? Or is this manifestation so out of the ordinary that they are astounded. If so you need to hammer the point home.

Sorry, if I have been too picky!

I am afraid I wasn't grabbed by the writing, and the failure to manually check the spellchecker caused unwarranted comedy, as in the beginning, when someone stands with his legs apart in "relaxed manure".

I think a good re-write and a thought as to grabbing the reader with the introduction would be a good idea.

Andi Brown wrote 232 days ago

Hi Ken,

Well, you were very persuasive, so I did take a look.

I have to say, this isn't for me. Despite your urging not to look at the writing, I couldn't ignore it. I found the myriad errors in grammar and punctuation very distracting, and they made it difficult for me to engage with the story.

But I did try. One thing I found was an overuse of adverbs. I'm a big believer in the writer's maxim "Show, don't tell." A smart writing teacher once said, "Adverbs are telling." Instead of an adverb, describing an action would be much more effective and would enliven your writing. For example, instead of "Muareen looked earnestly in to Neil's eyes," how about, Maureen gazed into Neil's eyes for a very long time, almost without blinking."

I found many sentences overly long and confusing. It was hard for me to picture the setting. I just couldn't get into the story. I'm sorry; as I said earlier, not for me.

Good luck with it.

Best,
Andi

Fontaine wrote 233 days ago

I have looked at the first chapter of your book. This is a good idea for a novel and I think you have made the right decision writing it as fiction. it will draw more readers, I believe.

Good first chapter taking us straight into the story, introducing the characters and giving background information in a natural way.

I found the main character endeariing in his good natured confusion and his use of humour to cover his fear and uncertainty. This is good observation on your part.

Good humour throughout. I liked the way he pleaded for even 'a little kilt'!

I do feel that the chapter is a bit long. The parts with the bearded man and his meeting with his old friend are in my opinion nicely balanced but the chapter goes on a bit once his wife is introduced. I think the reader will have guessed ahead of the reveal that she has died. (Very moving moment when your main character is so glad she wasn't injured in the crash.)

I would suggest that you try to cut the chapter by a third and condense the explanation of what is has happened. Only a suggestion. It is your book after all.

I have, as you asked, not taken notes of typos etc but I have to say I did not notice an enormous number.

Please let me know of you would like me to continue to chapter 2.

Best of luck with your writing. I enjoyed the chapter very much.

Kara Thrace wrote 237 days ago

Ken, as promised my comments - I've only read the first chapter, but I really REALLY enjoyed it. I'm a huge fan of paranormal / fantasy / sci fi books but I think yours is something fresh and inviting. I echo the comments below, your story telling is dense and fabulously woven, which, for the reader is lovely.
If you hadn't informed us that you are dyslexic, I would never have guessed - you write with a lot of clarity and understanding.

I've wishlisted this to come back and read more - as you know I've backed it and rated it a solid 5. Keep up the good work!

Kara Thrace wrote 237 days ago

Ken, as promised my comments - I've only read the first chapter, but I really REALLY enjoyed it. I'm a huge fan of paranormal / fantasy / sci fi books but I think yours is something fresh and inviting. I echo the comments below, your story telling is dense and fabulously woven, which, for the reader is lovely.
If you hadn't informed us that you are dyslexic, I would never have guessed - you write with a lot of clarity and understanding.

I've wishlisted this to come back and read more - as you know I've backed it and rated it a solid 5. Keep up the good work!

Chaiscuro wrote 241 days ago

In my own opinion, the paranormal is a hard affair to write about. Your opening chapter was professionally done and I thought drew the reader in somewhat. It kind of lost momentum half way through but gained ground toward the end. On the whole the total reading experience of "ETHEREAL WITNESS" was unscathed but could do with being tweaked a little on character connections and place names in general.

Well done!
Phillip.D.Curwood

a.morrison712 wrote 241 days ago

I like Neil. The line "put his hands over his eyes to blot out the pain...."(paraphrased, this thing won't let me copy and paste), was a really nice touch. It helped paint him as a strong character and by the end of the chapter I had a good grasp of him and Maureen. I would have liked a few more descriptive details but I thought in general it was good. I'll be back for more. 5 stars and will be watching!

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

SarahEWhite wrote 241 days ago

I love the opening paragraphs of this piece. They are so mysterious, and we (as readers) get to be just as confused as Neil. It immediately aligns your audience with Neil and allows us to ego identify with his present circumstances, making the opening of this paranormal seem not only normal but ordinary. Rooting stories like this in the concrete are what make believable mystic elements, and your opening proves that you have that talent.
“Wee kilt!” I laughed out loud at that!
Okay (and I know you asked reviewers to not nitpick any grammar or editing things, but…) When you switch to Neil’s thoughts, I was very confused. The use of first person was jarring, since it was in the same paragraph as the narration and without a different type face or any mark to show it was a thought. I had to re-read it a few times to understand.
You heighten the stakes of your action very well – Neil’s confusion leading to his fear when they are talking about the “time of death”
Your opening of chapter two starts off with a clarification of a time difference, but not of a character connection linking David Sutton and Neil and co. I think that something that might strengthen this is naming the church in the first chapter and then repeating the name in chapter two, or even changing the first chapter to a Prologue instead of a Chapter.
Something I’ve learned in both my time studying writing and studying theatre is that action is always more powerful when shown instead of told. For example, your two hoodlums at the beginning of Chap 2 are described as using irritating language, but we as an audience don’t get to hear it right away. Stick it in there. Let them have an irritating interchange that perhaps Tom has to break up.
You spend a lot of time having David describe what is going on in the audience in a pseudo 1st person narrative. This is a really good compromise for a story that centers (I am assuming, since I’m not all the way through your manuscript) around multiple characters; keeping it close to specific people so that we can both see through their eyes and see around them.
I will admit I’m a little confused with the people asking for their money back – if it’s a church, and a religious setting, did they pay an entry price, or is it some sort of offering taken before the service? I think that some sort of indication here would clear that up for future readers as well.
While this is neither here nor there, I am really enjoying the vernacular you write in – as an American, I don’t often hear or read words like “peckish” and “trousers.” It makes me happy. Also, I used to read a lot of British authors when I was younger, and I got messed up using British grammar in an American school system, so you are not alone in your grammar woes.
I like that Karen acknowledges that even “dedicated spiritualists have doubts sometimes.” I think you could even take that into a broader spectrum of all religions. That’s the point of faith, after all, is it not? To believe where something else would try to make it seem obviously otherwise, or to believe when the proof is not always readily available.
I think that making your second chapter end in more of a cliff hanger would help keep your readers hooked. The nightmares are a good start, but maybe David had a more specific nightmare (a subconscious connection the otherworld/ premonition type deal) that is connected to what happened this night. Just an idea.

Sorry I haven’t gotten further in this – your fiction is so dense that it takes awhile to get through. It’s not a bad thing: Tolkien was a dense writer. You just provide a lot of description and information to the readers and it’s like eating a hearty bread. You have to chew it well to digest all of it.

SarahEWhite wrote 249 days ago

Kenneth –
First, a quick review of your pitch: Your short pitch is so strong! I was instantly intrigued and worried and scared, which means my emotions were engaged. But that strength there is what makes the kind of wishy-washy outline of your long pitch a bit of a disappointment. I like the introduction of what are going to be your central characters, but I think you could spend some more time making the pitch both mysterious and compelling, both of which are a must for any paranormal story. Here’s a very simple version (you’ll have to tweak it with your own wording and story details, since I haven’t had a chance to get through the whole story yet) that heightens the drama of the situation and pulls the reader immediately into the story:

“When Karen, a medium, is accused of forging séances by Robert , a *this is just me putting words in your mouth now* famous skeptic ((note the correction in spelling here from your pitch)), respected lawyer Paul is infuriated. After seeing (insert what he saw), he is a firm believer in Karen’s connection to the otherworld. He will stop at nothing to prove her innocence and skill ((perhaps another word would be better than that)), and as this argument ((perhaps even a lawsuit)) gains a following, people across the country sit in anticipation the televised séance where Karen puts her career and honor on the line.”

A pitch itself is an art form. A good place to start in training yourself to write strong and engaging pitches is film trailers – they range from 30 seconds to 2 minutes and can either kill or capture the interest of their prospective audience. Tension and stakes must be high in your pitch. If the audience can’t feel the weight of your story from the beginning, they will not feel that it is an imperitive choice that they must read it.

Well, that’s it for review Part One. I’ll probably read three or four chapters before I post again.

katjay wrote 252 days ago

Hi Kenneth,
When I review, I never quibble about grammar, or spelling etc to anyone, because it all get's sorted in the end. but I will if there's not much of a story. As long as it pulls me in, and jumps of the page, I'm won over instantly.
Ethereal Witnesses is one of those books that does just that.
I’ve had the chance to read the first few chapters today. It’s certainly one of the most engrossing, gripping stories I have read here. In Chapter one, although it’s easy for the reader to guess that Neil is the man who’s just died in the adjoining bed, you describe Neil’s eventual realisation of that fact and the events that lead to his coma, with great sensitivity. In the following chapters the book really gets going – Karen’s séance in the church first gave me the shivers, then made me laugh when the two trouble-makers got a soaking. Am just getting to the part when it appears that Karen is being targeted by a mystery ill-wisher. A compelling book, obviously written with a great deal of authority, passion and humour. There have been books that I've had to read from cover to cover and this is one of them. I'll try and read a couple of chapters every day and will comment again as I do so. There is a lot of interest in this field and I’m sure your book would attract a substantial readership.This book is unique - I haven't come across anything else like it on authonomy. Brilliant!
Kindest regards Kat xx

Ivan Amberlake wrote 255 days ago

Hey Kenneth! I dropped by to say I read chapter 2 of Ethereal Witnesses and enjoyed it as much as the first one. You've done a great job here. I do wish to read more soon.

Best wishes to you!
Ivan

Jannypeacock wrote 255 days ago

Hi Kenneth,

I read your books some time ago, in fact it was one of the first books I read when I joined the site but I was a little too shy to comment back then so I thought I would come back, have a re-read and leave a few thoughts. Hope that’s ok?

I like your short pitch. It’s punchy and to the point. A good start. I see what your aiming for in the long pitch and it does make me want to read the story but it is a little bulky and the layout is hard to read. I wonder if it broken into a couple of short paragraphs would it work better (just my opinion of course).

You have a lovely voice in this piece. I’m very curious about the spiritual world, I’ve read a bit about it but I always find it hard to understand. Usually the writer has so much experience they forget the rest of us no very little about this world. You don’t have that problem, you have made the whole thing very exciting and wonderfully easy to grasp. I was completely intrigued.

There is the odd typo, but that’s understandable and a friend with a good eye will spot these. I have loads too; it’s very hard to see your own mistakes.

I really like Neil. I love that he’s so bubbly, almost hyper and there is a little mystery around him too in the first chapter which a great hook.

Great premise. You’ve taken the run of the mill supernatural story and put your own unique spin on it and it really works well. The very very best of luck with this.

Janny

Claire_E wrote 256 days ago

Love your short pitch, it made me smile. Your long pitch is kinda clunky so I'm going to attempt to make it flow better below for you. Hope it's a help.


Karen Wilson is a Physical Medium. Facing accusations of being a fraud and a law suit from a psychic newspaper she has two choices: retire and disappear into obscurity or fight.
Vocal sceptic Robert Stone has set his sights on bringing Karen down, to further his cause and justify his opinions.

With the support of respected lawyer Paul Lovatt, who has firsthand experience with the success of séances, Karen has an opportunity. She can show the world that she is not a fraud. A notional television company has agreed to screen a séance – live! Can she do it?

This is just an idea, maybe play with some ideas. I'll pop back when I'm less knackered anyhoo. ;-)

Hard Rickard wrote 261 days ago

What a stompingly good read!

Jeff Divers at the Newyork times says: ...this novel is like Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, crossed with Catch 22, and I must agree.

When Drado, the titular Ethereal Witness, discovers his parents are actually beings of severe and indifferent powers, he sets off on a journey that will keep going on and on and on and on....

....and on and on. CRACKING! My favorite part was the bit at the annual melon exhibition. You can almost taste the melony goodness.

Absolutely BELTING! keep it up, Sonya.

Mr. Nom de Plume wrote 263 days ago

The introductory paragraph adds interest and compels reading onward. The premise is excellent. The third person narrative interspersed with dialogue is masterfully accomplished. Backed. Chuck (Slush Pile Inspector). A thanks to your "friend" for recommending the work.

LizX wrote 267 days ago

Hi Medium,

You certainly have my interest piqued. Will be in for a thorough read when I get through my back log.

orma wrote 270 days ago

Ethereal Witness, is like an outsider's view into the world of mediunship.
I was enthralled at the first chapter, and kept guessing as to whether Neil was in fact dead or alive.
Then the second chapter changes to the medium and the transference.
I am stunned at the plot of this book.
It has the potential to be a brilliant paranormal read.

Neville wrote 270 days ago

Ethereal Witnesses.
By Kenneth Walford.

I’ve read the first chapter…It’s an interesting read I must say.
I did think that Neil came over a bit too talkative, almost hyper active in parts.
It almost turns the book into a type of comedy which I don’t think you are aiming for.
There are errors dotted about in the dialogue and speech.
You say that you are leaving them until you are nearer to getting published and are looking for comments on the book before any outlay. This is understandable but at the same time it can hold your book back.
It’s a good storyline and has a natural pull for the reader to continue.
A fair amount of description is a welcome part of the read. I enjoyed what I’ve seen, it’s very more’ish and I will come back to it.
I’ve star-rated it for now though!

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Ivan Amberlake wrote 291 days ago

Well, what an awesome chapter 1! I cast aside minor inaccuracies I come across and turn to the plot and setting first. The church, the storm, two sceptics who behave in an indecent way, and Karen whose face transforms into something utterly horrible and grotesque. I also wanted to say the title is really mystifying. Well, those two guys seem to be very strange, especially after they showed their overt skepticism about the séance and transfiguration and after they found the aerial in her cabinet. This book has a great potential as the topic is highly intriguing. I’m interested in how Karen can prove that she is a real medium and not a con.

monicque wrote 358 days ago

HI! I have just had a quick look through your first chapter. In places, I believe it is a bit wordy, but overall, I thought your work was well done. I will give you a rating. Thank you for sharing!!! :)

Kara Richards wrote 359 days ago

Constructive criticism: mind the punctuation in the pitch! 'If spirits have a voice they should be aloud' (did you mean allowed?). But an interesting concept nonethless, and good storyline. :)

writingbear wrote 360 days ago

Kenneth,
I backed your interesting book today. If you could take a look at either of my two novels, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND, for you possible backing, it would be very much appreciated. Thank you and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

writingbear wrote 360 days ago

Kenneth,
I backed your interesting book today. If you could take a look at either of my two novels, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND, for you possible backing, it would be very much appreciated. Thank you and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

writingbear wrote 360 days ago

Kenneth,
I backed your interesting book today. If you could take a look at either of my two novels, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND, for you possible backing, it would be very much appreciated. Thank you and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

writingbear wrote 360 days ago

Kenneth,
I backed your interesting book today. If you could take a look at either of my two novels, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND, for you possible backing, it would be very much appreciated. Thank you and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

writingbear wrote 360 days ago

Kenneth,
I backed your interesting book today. If you could take a look at either of my two novels, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND, for you possible backing, it would be very much appreciated. Thank you and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

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