Toxic Blood

Toxic Blood

Hello Jennifer

I've enjoyed the first chapter of this book, you have an easy style and your narrative begins slickly with intrigue and interest. It is a very popular theme you have chosen but you offer us enough new angles and evoke some sympathy for our main character. You write with an eye for detail, taking what is ordinary for a vampire and sharing it with us in a way that highlights the both the differences and the regret she feels for what has been lost. A powerful mix, a very accessible read. I spend my working day with adolescents and I know this kind of thing would work very well for them. You write with a gentle confidence and a clarity of thought that translates onto the page into a story that knows where it's going. The very best of luck, I will support your book by placing it on my shelf very soon, best wishes

Andrew W

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for the read request, I was so pleased to receive it as this is my favourite genre! I have read all 13 chapters!

Aubrey is an remarkable MC and I am just as enthralled by Mecca & even Elliot. I love where this is headed! That Allister is so wicked, you convey his cruelty so well that I shudder each time he’s mentioned; this is down to how well you create such vivid imagery with your words. I read all your chapters in one sitting and would love to read more, please let me know when you add to it!

I think you will do fantastically well and will support you all the way to the ED.
Six stars and shelved!

Rebecca

I read your first chapter, and liked it. Considering I give up easily with books on here that's a good sign. I liked your MC, she had a strong narrative voice. It was clear and easy to follow. Her interest in the guy was also interesting, and I liked your description of him, his resemblance to Henry definitely attractive. I also liked how she got caught out by the dog, hiding like a peeping Tom in the tree.

You weaved the backstory in nicely, of how she became what she is now. Allister first turning her in the library, then finishing off the process in the dungeon like area. Allister's cruelty was also nicely portrayed, first in the draining of the hunter earlier, then the nasty killing of Joseph and the red-headed girl.

I didn't see any mistakes/typos. It was a fluid and enjoyable read. Kind regards, Marita.

Well, what can I say other than this blew my mind, it's that good! Your descriptions are visceral and so well observed that I am drawn in, able to see the events unfolding in front of me. The use of first person is balanced perfectly here, with engaging self reflection and keen account of outward events. Your MC is multilayered; a person who is at odds with her situation, desperate to be free and yearning for her old life. This contrasts well with the savageness of her maker, who is the stone-cold killer type we know from legends. I read through all the chapters you posted here and was gutted that there weren't more available. You have to finish this! This is streets ahead of the poor vampire novels lining the shelves in Waterstones. It deserves to be in the charts! I wish you all the best with this and hope that you get published.

Stuart

'The Awakening'

With ‘no saint, but also not a killer,’ you’ve created a wonderful character in Aubrey. I read the opening chapter with bated breath, so engrossing it is. You are on your way to creating a masterpiece with memorable characters, so keep writing. I love Aubrey hunting a hunter, the story of Aubrey becoming a vampire. A good vampire, compelled to submit to Allister. Excellent!

Ivan
The Beholder

I've had this on my watchlist for a while now and am finally getting around to it.

Strong story. It reminds me of Anne Rice, you don't shy away from the blood and violence that make a vampire story a vampire story. Great voice and characterization as well.

It's hard to write in present tense but you do a really good job of it. I was confused the first time I read through chapter one because it switched halfway through to past, as the character remembered the attack. I think maybe you could find a better way to transition there, it's a little abrupt. I think a couple of good edits would clean this up really well. If you ever need help or another set of eyes, feel free to ask. I kind of like playing with edits.

Good luck with this and I applaud you for giving us something fresh for the vampire genre. I enjoyed the five chapters I read and will be happy to shelve it in the upcoming weeks.

Missy

I look forward to each chapter of this book the same way I waited for another Harry Potter book! I love Toxic Blood and your chapter 15 doesn't disappoint. You are an incredibly talented writer, Jenn! Toxic Blood will soon return to my shelf! I definitely want to read the continuation!!! :)

Sincerely Yours,
Ivan

Hello Jennifer, peeped into your book when it was among the weekly top rated books and have to say the premise looks promising. Loved the plot and started reading it and have enjoyed everything I have read so far. This looks like a wonderful novel in the making!

Toxic Blood

Hello Jennifer

I've enjoyed the first chapter of this book, you have an easy style and your narrative begins slickly with intrigue and interest. It is a very popular theme you have chosen but you offer us enough new angles and evoke some sympathy for our main character. You write with an eye for detail, taking what is ordinary for a vampire and sharing it with us in a way that highlights the both the differences and the regret she feels for what has been lost. A powerful mix, a very accessible read. I spend my working day with adolescents and I know this kind of thing would work very well for them. You write with a gentle confidence and a clarity of thought that translates onto the page into a story that knows where it's going. The very best of luck, I will support your book by placing it on my shelf very soon, best wishes

Andrew W

Hey Jennifer,

Nice work so far! You have a very sensual and emotive style of writing. One thing that caught my eye - watch out for needless repetition, such as when you write 'totally and completely still', both these words mean the same thing and there serves no need for both of them. Aside from this, it reads very fluidly and engages the reader well.

Keep up the good work,

TJB

Vampire novels is a crowding field, but your writing stands out. You have good descriptions and depth of emotion in your characters. The romantic elements work well. I find myself rooting for Aubrey and disliking Allister and how he treats her.

Are Henry and Elliot the same person? You start the novel by mentioning her longing for Henry, but in Chapter 3 it's Elliot she loves, and then it's Henry again. Please clear that up. Also, the man you describe in Chapter 1 as Henry doesn't sound 79 years old, which is what you list Aubrey's age as.

You are a talented writer and you should do well. I'll back this.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Not really sure. Vampires are a bit overdone.

Jennifer,
I find your writing style appealing as it's very imaginative which is so important for the fantasy genre designed for young readers with vivid imaginations.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Hi Jenifer,
I hate to admit it but I read all the twilights and got hooked on the story. I'm over it now though!!
Yours is definitely different, much grittier and realistic(in vampire terms)
The sheer horror of Alistairs nature and the twins killing their relatives showed the harshness of this life and the sacrifices made in becoming a vampire.
I was drawn in by the differing points of view, leaving the reader hooked into where this story is headed. I agree with your other comments that this is a contender in the vampire genre, different and compelling.
I will find a place on my shelf in the coming weeks.
Cheers Jacoba

I really shouldn't like this book. I am not a great fan of first person narrative and the vampire mythos has largely turned into a partisan war between three camps; the Classical Stokers, the Anne Rices and (god help me) the Twilighters. Yet this one is written with enthusiasm and devotion. The obvious fun Jennifer had writing it is infectious and that is worth a great deal. I'm interested in where this goes and am giving my support to it in advance.

This is a tough market you're trying to get into. There are tons of these types of book, in this genre, and among the tumult it's hard to get noticed. I myself have read enough of these books like twilight to last me a lifetime (exactly 2), but having promised to read it I will!

There's no doubt you have the ability to write beautifully. Conjuring vivid images of scenes you wish to draw the reader into, it is engaging to fans of the genre and a very good example of current young adult preferences - romance mixed with terror and vampires.

It's not for me, but I can see the attraction for others here. Good luck. :)

phew, no sparkly or glow in the dark vampires - for me vampires HAVE to be traditional, so glad uv not followed any of Stephanie Meyers stupid ideas. Ur always gonna b compared to her with something like this, but i think uv got a great take on it, with some deep themes, like women who are intimidated and held prisoner by their partners, possibly in abusive relationships. its a story you can get lost in, but also insipres ppl to make changes in their own lives - thats a really important message and such a commendable reason for writing. with the Steph Meyer comparison id b tempted to publish this myself online ie via kindle (or hav u done that already?) - that way you could approach agents and give evidence of solid sales figures rather than have them brush you off with 'oh its just another Steph meyer style book' (which of course its not, but as soon as someone mentions vamps + romance, thats what they'll think!). by the by, some of ur paras aren't indented, like the 'max get ur but over here' one etc. other than that no real crits that havent already been covered. happy to backswap and star x x x

The greatest strength of this is you know your characters well, especially Aubrey. We're in her head from the get-go, and you do a wonderful job of internal characterization. She is relateable, authentic, and likeable. Another thing I liked was the overall plot. Though there are many vampire novels out there, the premise of this one is unique. I can honestly say I haven't read anything quite like it. And that's a good thing when it comes to vampire novels.

One suggestion. I know you want to show the connection between Aubrey and Allister, but the flashback to how they met came a bit early in the story for my taste. I hadn't quite settled into the regular pace of the story when you jumped into the past. Something to think about.

As a whole, this is a solid beginning. Good work.

Really liked this! its really good, better than the usual vempire novel :) thats a big compliment considering how many vampire novels there are lately. you might like my book, its called "sacrificed: the revealing", its not about vampires but im sure you will like it. i cant wait to read more of your story :)

Brousing through authonomy I encountered Toxic Blood. The work materialized. Drew me into a trance like state. Reading Toxic Blood could be more better defined as drinking, more than reading. The words flowing like water running from a tap, or blood from an open vein. Not to give to much higher praise, immortal properties intact, these properties being the great tapestry of words.

Toxic Blood isn't perfect by any means. Villages, what villages or ' I have to put my foot down' are flaws in the design that I could pick up on. A second or third read might reveal more. But the writing is damn close to perfection. I know this viewpoint might make you believe I'm trying to suck up to you! But other than do the events in the story take place in the past, present or future, or would Alistair find a mansion with convenient hot and cold running water, or would somebody telepathically communicate 'I have to put my foot down' (or for that matter would vampire hunters say something like that.) The writing, and especially the pace are fantastic. ( To explain the villages ie situated where, and when, would have slowed down the pace. I assume you took a gamble, don't let me discourage you, the gamble might work. To explain the hot and cold running water, who would go to the mansion to read the meter popped into my mind. You could suggest solar panels I'm not trying to be funny just constructive. )

Full metal jacket of stars.
Backed as soon as there is room on my shelf (Next month)
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility

Minor error chapter one: When I was twenty years of age and I dont mean this frozen state that I'm in now. I mean when I was alive, when I still human ( When I was still human)

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for the read request, I was so pleased to receive it as this is my favourite genre! I have read all 13 chapters!

Aubrey is an remarkable MC and I am just as enthralled by Mecca & even Elliot. I love where this is headed! That Allister is so wicked, you convey his cruelty so well that I shudder each time he’s mentioned; this is down to how well you create such vivid imagery with your words. I read all your chapters in one sitting and would love to read more, please let me know when you add to it!

I think you will do fantastically well and will support you all the way to the ED.
Six stars and shelved!

Rebecca

The second and third chapter are even better than the first! You have a brilliant way of articulating feelings that each of your characters have when you switch perspectives. I could feel my skin crawling when Allister joined Aubrey in the shower. 6 stars and will continue to read. This book is the whole package: great story,well-written, commercial, and most importantly, extremely entertaining. Well done and hope you get published. This is something I would buy.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and The Last Degree

Hi Jennifer: Read the first chapter and this is STAYING on the shelf! It's a great combination of Stephenie Myers' Twilight and James Patterson's Kiss the Girls. Loved the back story on how Aubrey met Allister; a very paranormal romance feel to it. Also love the tale being told from her perspective. Only question, will probably be addressed later, can vampires be out in the light? Or does Aubrey have exception to the age-old vampire rule? Will probably find out as I continue to read.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and The Last Degree

I read your first chapter, and liked it. Considering I give up easily with books on here that's a good sign. I liked your MC, she had a strong narrative voice. It was clear and easy to follow. Her interest in the guy was also interesting, and I liked your description of him, his resemblance to Henry definitely attractive. I also liked how she got caught out by the dog, hiding like a peeping Tom in the tree.

You weaved the backstory in nicely, of how she became what she is now. Allister first turning her in the library, then finishing off the process in the dungeon like area. Allister's cruelty was also nicely portrayed, first in the draining of the hunter earlier, then the nasty killing of Joseph and the red-headed girl.

I didn't see any mistakes/typos. It was a fluid and enjoyable read. Kind regards, Marita.

I have alerted my daughter about your book. She loves reading these types of novels and i'm sure she'll probably rate and WL very shortly.
Red

Hi Jennifer!
Just read your first chapter and I have to admit...I'm hooked! Brilliant use of dialogue, very awesome storyline. Aubrey is definitely a very interesting character. i love the use of first person. The whole thing is very Twilight-ish but I love it. I'm adding this one to my bookshelf.

Julio Guzman

"Waterworks"

Love anything with vampires! Great Job! Definitely Backing your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by authour CC Brown. Good luck.
Sue50

I noticed your book, Toxic Blood, on another writer's bookshelf. I liked your pitch and am interested in taking a look at your story. I've added it to my watchlist. I will review your first chapter or two shortly and will back your book if I enjoyed the reading.

It looks like you are a fan of YA, like me. I'm new to this site. If you have a chance to review my YA Fantasy Romance, SOLACE, and offer any feedback that would be a great help.

Thanks! Christie

Hi Jennifer,

OK, well I think you know you’re writing a book for the most saturated genre around at the moment. To get a story like this published it will have to be VERY original. You have Twilight and its thousand twins to thank for that. ;>

So let’s get down to business . . .

You’re not a bad writer, but, like all of us, you have room for improvement. As an unknown writer, your opening sentence, paragraph and page need to be amazingly powerful. I’ll be honest; in my opinion you need to improve this first page. An idea is to check out the opening of Christopher Pike’s ‘The Last Vampire’. It is written to perfection. Study and learn from it, as it’s similar to what you’re trying to achieve here. Apply this technique to your own story and it will hold a lot more oomph from the off. Of course, I’m not saying copy - just get a feel for how he hooks the reader.

General editing notes from the first chapter:

First off, rework that opening sentence. It really jars. Look closely and I think you’ll see it works best as two sentences. See example below.

I can’t believe I followed him home. If Alistair finds out he will kill not only him but probably me too.

You should then look at the wording of the ‘new’ second sentence. Something more flowing like: If Alistair finds out he’ll kill me as well as this human. In first person, lots of sentences with bits like ‘he will’ ‘it is’ ring false unless they are set in a historical period. Mix it up with things like ‘he’ll, it’s,’ etc . . .

Still, my interest is piqued and I have no intention of turning away, not without a closer look.

OK, so what you need to nail here is the interest she speaks of. What does she need to see so closely? Whatever it is lay it out very subjectively, stating what it is and why it’s so important to her. Imagine you’re telling this story in person to a bunch of school kids in a classroom. Believe me, they wouldn’t let you go on without interrupting to ask, “But what is it she’s interested in so much?”

Some writers think that by keeping the reader guessing what the character is seeing/lusting they are adding suspense. It’s not the case. Not when we’re in that character’s head. The reader just gets bored and sees through the writer’s trick and puts the book down, frustrated. Remember, a story is the pov character’s account of the events happening right now. Characters can’t lie to themselves. We need to know how they feel about everything and why. Their motivation is our motivation. That’s why we keep reading.

When the boy moves into the other room he gets into those pyjamas far too quickly. Keep it all in real time if it’s a scene. Only skip time when you are linking scenes together.

The paragraph about the dog could be more vivid. Also, hissing at the dog is a bit cliché. I also doubt it’s easy to pat an angry dog on the head, even if it belongs to him. Dogs, friendly as they can be, don’t tend to keep still when they are agitated. And let’s be honest, the boy would also look into the tree to see what the dog is barking at. We humans are curious by nature. Even if it is a squirrel we’d still look where the dog was looking to put our minds at rest. An important note: I’ve yet to see a tree in a garden that can easily conceal a human/vampire/werewolf. If she can move so fast why doesn’t she just get out of there, rather than risk being seen? I also doubt the dog would give up so easily. Realistically the boy would have to drag the dog away by the scruff in a situation like this.

The ‘What are you hunting? . . . You’ scene is another cliché. This has been done to death and is therefore predictable. Find another way to put this across. Anything you’ve seen in movies or read in books or comics before, discard. Remember, you are writing in a genre that has been saturated by this type of story. People will second-guess everything you try to do. So do exactly the opposite and make them think, “Hey, I never saw that coming! What a great piece of writing.”

The last sentence of the chapter is simply not strong enough to hook the reader. Check out the last thing the reader sees:

. . . the world around me started to fade and everything went black and I died.

You don’t need to say you died. It’s subjective. If the world around you starts to fade in a situation like this, the only thing you know is that you’re scared, terrified, petrified. Sure, it’s death you fear, but even with hindsight you would never know you had died at that exact moment in time. Death, in a situation like this, would be a vile concoction of terror, regret, relief, excitement, remorse, and confusion. All held together by a congealing darkness.

However, this type of ending to a chapter is the most clichéd of all. If possible, I’d find another way to hook your reader here. Think about ending on the second to last paragraph: Suddenly he was on me, chewing on my neck, forcing his infected blood down my throat . . .

It leaves us asking a question: What the hell is going to happen?

If you answer that in the next paragraph we have no reason to continue to the next chapter. If you say you died, we don’t believe you. Why? Because you are telling the story in first-person. The reader doesn’t care that they know from the blurb you’ll turn into a vampire; they want to share your fear and desire to survive as and when it happens. Again, Christopher Pike’s vampire series will show you good examples of this.

I hope you don’t think I’ve been too critical. I’m just giving you ideas on how to spot flaws before an editor or agent does. I’ve been studying the art of writing for over ten years now and there are some common errors that every new writer makes. I’ve made more than my fair share in the past, trust me. However, if people just tell you how great your story is you’ll never learn and improve, and that’s the harsh reality. Unfortunately for this site, many people will just say your book is amazing without even really reading it. This site is a marketing tool/window for people trying to get published, so don’t forget that. Some people will praise you just to get praise back. That said, there are also some really helpful people here, so work out who they are and listen to what they have to say.

Anyway, to conclude, the good news is that you have potential. So go over your work as critically as you can, asking questions like: Do I really mean what I wrote in that sentence? Is this happening as a real-time scene or am I skipping time too often? Am I jamming too much into one sentence? Am I being realistic about how people, creatures etc . . . would react to this situation? Am I conveying my pov character’s desires and feelings clearly? Am I leaving hooks to keep the reader turning the pages?

These types of questions will help to get you thinking critically when you edit.

Good luck, Jennifer. Keep on writing and looking for ways you can improve and add fresh twists and scenarios.

Well, what can I say other than this blew my mind, it's that good! Your descriptions are visceral and so well observed that I am drawn in, able to see the events unfolding in front of me. The use of first person is balanced perfectly here, with engaging self reflection and keen account of outward events. Your MC is multilayered; a person who is at odds with her situation, desperate to be free and yearning for her old life. This contrasts well with the savageness of her maker, who is the stone-cold killer type we know from legends. I read through all the chapters you posted here and was gutted that there weren't more available. You have to finish this! This is streets ahead of the poor vampire novels lining the shelves in Waterstones. It deserves to be in the charts! I wish you all the best with this and hope that you get published.

Stuart

'The Awakening'

Jennifer, as promised for our swap. I'm sure a YA audience would really enjoy this book. The things i liked were: your writing, the characters and the fast pace. I agree with JayG - think about how you can 'show' us what is going on rather than 'telling' us about it. Also, be careful not to use "I" too many times. The market is so flooded with vampire stories that you will need to find a new twist on the theme to make publishers interested.
But you are a gifted writer. I'm sure you'll come up with something!
Good luck with it.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

TOXIC BLOOD

The pitches are inviting. Well done.
Long pitch I would delete (for escape)
I have starred the book on the basis of the pitch and will get it on my shelf when there is space.
a zoomer

Great character development. You have a great writing style. Perhaps some body language to demonstrate fear would help when Aubrey is first chained up and sees the girl next to her barely hanging on to life. I will back this book.

really liked this! the first chapter kept moving well and i liked the window scene with the dog etc. you immediately get a feel for your characters and i thought their actions and their motivations were clear. it is on my bookshelf!

Hi,
Read this with interest. It is a quick and easy read.
You have a good way of getting the MC's voice across and the dialogue is convincing.
My only problem with the book is whether the story is original enough. To write a vampire novel (there are thousands out there) and be truly individual, you need to have a new wrinkle to it. Yes, blood-lust, yes, hunting humans, but hasn't it all been done before? What is their motivation apart from hunger for blood? Why do they have to be evil and if they are, would there ever be a vampire convert who has a conscience? Vampires are often portrayed as sexual but asexual - there is no reason for them to be seductive. One might consider that their wish for sex might be to get an 'exstatic high' from human body fluids for example, you then have real motivation for their pursuit of the opposite sex.
Just a few thoughts.
Vampires? Love 'em or hate them, you write well with good narrative prose and excellent dialogue.
Hope this story catches on.
Backed.

Read on from chapter 2 to 5 and I don’t foresee it being easy for Aubrey to get help from, let alone survive Kai and Mecca (love their names as well). Elliot is cute enough to eat--I hope he doesn’t get anywhere near Allister! Things are set to get even more interesting and messy between your engrossing characters. Keep uploading so I can read on! ^ ^

With ‘no saint, but also not a killer,’ you’ve created a wonderful character in Aubrey. I read the opening chapter with bated breath, so engrossing it is. You are on your way to creating a masterpiece with memorable characters, so keep writing. I love Aubrey hunting a hunter, the story of Aubrey becoming a vampire. A good vampire, compelled to submit to Allister. Excellent!

Ivan
The Beholder

i noticed the comments below on 'might have used small s' ect and my spellcheck wants me to use like a capital S. i'm not a grammar pro just saying. i added your book to watchlist to add to bookshelf and read at later date. if you have time would appreciate looking at my book and giving me some feedback. looking forward to reading your book further!

S.J. Wist,

Thanks so much for the feedback. I fixed the things that you suggested and added a few phrases to make the transition to the past easier, and reason for the girl's fit on the floor. Anyway, I really appreciate it and look forward to what you have to say about more!

Jennifer Beth
Toxic Blood

ch. 1:

- “Yes.” My lips said... --might have used a comma after “Yes” and a small “m”.
- “You didn’t die, so you are not most humans.” He replied. --might have used a comma after “humans” and a small “h”.
- “Joseph!” She cried out... --might have used a small “s”.
- ...he was top up me pinning... --might have used “of” instead.

- You switch from the girl on the floor being blank to her having an instant fit. If it was a vampire-inclined reaction I might have added an indication of just that, otherwise I just felt a bit taken unexpectedly from her being unconscious to being able to do that all of a sudden. Then again if it was a movie I would just as likely be clinging to the ceiling shaking!

-- I like how you separate Aubrey’s take on Henry into two; one perspective being when she was human, one being as the vampire she is now and forced to watch him from the outside. It shows her character really well when combined together.

-- I feel for Aubrey as well and the consequences of one mistake leading to her becoming a slave to Allister. But that’s a hard to pass up kiss!

-- Your character descriptions and flow of action pulled me right in. I only got a bit of a flow-hiccup in the dungeon there, likely because you squish in a passing of time and I had to briefly glance back to catch onto that.

-- I like how you end the chapter after her remembering her past. I feel sorry for her, but at the same time I admire her courage in going against Allister to see Henry. Her master doesn’t just pretend to be terrifying--he wields it mercilessly!

-- I didn’t catch the name of the tortured girl--curiosity has me to whether you intended this, cause I get the feeling her name might show up later with importance.

-- This is well written with great characters that really draw you in. I will be reading on. Keep uploading!

Jennifer,
Your use of the first person present tense in "Toxic Blood" is very effective. I found myself moving along with Aubrey, thinking along with her as we stalked prey together. I'm no YA so I must say that your descriptive phrasing and clear dialogue works just as well for a broader audience. I'm enjoying your book and looking forward to more of the same.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Jennifer,
Your use of the first person present tense in "Toxic Blood" is very effective. I found myself moving along with Jennifer, thinking along with her as we stalked prey together. I'm no YA so I must say that your descriptive phrasing and clear dialogue works just as well for a broader audience. I'm enjoying your book and looking forward to more of the same.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

a truly gripping opening chapter. brilliant use of language...tence climax to this first section...you make uswant to read on...on my watchlist, sure to back...
read SEASONS...

This book is on its way to the shelves. Can't wait to read more...