THE ECHELON – THE LOST SOULS

You've got a great premise here. A really chilling story to tell. I wanted to (I mean, I didn't WANT to, but I thought it would work better if...) the first section was longer and told from the perspective of one of the victims. Perhaps even the victim whose leg bone ends up being found. The scene is so chilling (literally) that I wanted more of it (as difficult a scene as it was)...

I like the juxtaposition of that scene with the everyday school soccer field...chilling, again, but real and a well-done contrast. Not one we expect.

I also really like the premise of the "Echelon" - a very cool idea. I'd like to get into their heads and see each and every one of them as a unique character - perhaps telling the story roaming from one perspective to another so we get the "voice" of the archaeologist, and then the "voice" of the anthropologist...etc.

Your writing could use a bit of tightening but you've got a great story to tell and that is half the battle!

All the best,

Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

Ariena, I revisited your work and will try to be a constructive as possible - rewrite your story, the premise is great and the theme is a popular one.
However I really struggled with the sentence and paragraph structure. Set your sentences to two lines absolute maximum unless you are a direct descendant of James Joyce. A good trick as to read the work out loud and see if you run out of breath before the end.
Be careful about using the word Nazi - not all German soldiers were Nazis, although this was an absolute requirement for members of the Gestatzpolizei (Gestapo) and the SS.

Separate the dialogue properly, it makes for heavy reading when speech is embedded in the text. there are several ways of doing this, I prefer to drop a line then indent four stops like this:
'It's human,I checked!'
If it is clear who's talking there is no need to write 'she said' after speech.

Don't be too discouraged, keep writing and good luck.

regards

Cyrus

Thanks for ur honest opinion-will try to fix it when i have the time, cause im so over whelmed by comments on my book and to read and comment on other books.

thx again!

THE ECHELON – THE LOST SOULS

Short Pitch: You are selling yourself very short with this Ariena. It needs to grab the reader with the essence of the plot. What you have doesn’t even mention the main concern of the story – the Nazi crime.

Long Pitch: I think your problem here (easy to fix) is your use of the term ‘Echelon’ – your fictional invention is unknown to the reader whilst the generic type of crime is not. So, concentrate on the crime and introduce the ‘Echelon’ team later, in the text itself. In the pitch you could say a ‘special unit’ or something – everyone knows that means a fictional one (as in MIB)

Main text: I had exactly the same feeling about your introduction – I would drop all of it. It’s no kind of a start to a fictional book really. Anything you need to identify about the team can be inserted in the text via other means; often a judicious bit of dialogue will do the trick for you.

Prologue: I noticed that when we eventually get to your chapter One the text is not so dense as in these two sections of the Prologue. They really are too big. And both start with enormous convoluted sentences or 70+ words. Given the import of these sections and their extreme but action-based content it would be better to break the sections up I think to increase the verbal impact. A minor point: I would say Eastern Germany rather than just East because, of course, that country did not exist until after the war and it has the potential to mislead.

A scary scenario indeed.

THE ECHELON – THE LOST SOULS

Short Pitch: You are selling yourself very short with this Ariena. It needs to grab the reader with the essence of the plot. What you have doesn’t even mention the main concern of the story – the Nazi crime.

Long Pitch: I think your problem here (easy to fix) is your use of the term ‘Echelon’ – your fictional invention is unknown to the reader whilst the generic type of crime is not. So, concentrate on the crime and introduce the ‘Echelon’ team later, in the text itself. In the pitch you could say a ‘special unit’ or something – everyone knows that means a fictional one (as in MIB)

Main text: I had exactly the same feeling about your introduction – I would drop all of it. It’s no kind of a start to a fictional book really. Anything you need to identify about the team can be inserted in the text via other means; often a judicious bit of dialogue will do the trick for you.

Prologue: I noticed that when we eventually get to your chapter One the text is not so dense as in these two sections of the Prologue. They really are too big. And both start with enormous convoluted sentences of 70+ words. Given the import of these sections and their extreme but action-based content it would be better to break the sections up I think to increase the verbal impact. A minor point: I would say Eastern Germany rather than just East because, of course, that country did not exist until after the war and it has the potential to mislead.

A scary scenario indeed.

Hi Ariena,

Just stopping by to check out your story. Wasn't disappointed!
Here are my thoughts/findings. They are, of course, my humblest opinions.

Short pitch: Spell out “six”

In my humblest opinion, the SP is weak. Not only is there no hard-hitting, active verb, you list numerous professions that don’t say anything about the story by themselves.

The premise is intriguing, but the LP is too filled with synopsis and not enough hooks. Vamp this up a bit!

Chapter one

Your first line is a five-lined run-on sentence. Break that up.

I love the premise and the set up (great drama!). My biggest suggestion is to parse out the sentences a bit more to free up the flow.

Good luck with this! It’s off to a great start.

If you get the chance, I’d invite you to check out my pitch and read on if it interests you. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

All the best,

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

I read through the first chapter. I will come back for more at a later date, I am up to my eyeballs in return reads right now. I like that you are doing a flashback and setting the stage. The only reason I know this is through the Long Pitch, which is very well crafted. My only question that came to mind was how the school would not know that this was some dumping ground for the Nazis? I am assuming that this will be explained later in the book though. The idea of finding a femur being how they found out seems a little unrealistic, but perhaps you will address this later, and it could just be me. The general premise is great though. Love the idea for the story. I can just see myself curling up with this book on a cold winter's day. My only suggestion for the first chapter is to think about what tense you are in. I struggle with this myself, but I think you should think it over. You say "two Nazi trucks are driving...." This almost sounds like a report to me, impersonal and distant. Perhaps this is what you are going for though. I would think about using drove or drive. Over all a great story with a ton of potential. I can't wait to see where this goes! Good luck with it! I've given you plent of stars and will be watching.

Best,

Ashley

Thx Ashley!

I was actually trying to show that first chapter in a second person point of view, as if you were really there and writing about it. I actually saw myself watching this happen. Well, i did some research about the Nazi dumping grounds during the end of the war and till to this day many dont know where these places are. Some are right under buildings and homes. Some are still being discovered as well to this day.

Ariena

I read through the first chapter. I will come back for more at a later date, I am up to my eyeballs in return reads right now. I like that you are doing a flashback and setting the stage. The only reason I know this is through the Long Pitch, which is very well crafted. My only question that came to mind was how the school would not know that this was some dumping ground for the Nazis? I am assuming that this will be explained later in the book though. The idea of finding a femur being how they found out seems a little unrealistic, but perhaps you will address this later, and it could just be me. The general premise is great though. Love the idea for the story. I can just see myself curling up with this book on a cold winter's day. My only suggestion for the first chapter is to think about what tense you are in. I struggle with this myself, but I think you should think it over. You say "two Nazi trucks are driving...." This almost sounds like a report to me, impersonal and distant. Perhaps this is what you are going for though. I would think about using drove or drive. Over all a great story with a ton of potential. I can't wait to see where this goes! Good luck with it! I've given you plent of stars and will be watching.

Best,

Ashley

thanks for the comments and are you trying to re-write my book? I've done all the research there is for this book, I don't want this book to become another one of those generic books which make the victims and those SS soldiers alive. I want this book to be more about The Echelon. What they feel after they find these bodies in that pit years later. I like writing in a second person or as you have put it out stage director.

anyway thanks and don't try to re-write someones book. Just being truthful here

Ariena

Hi Ariena

Ok your pitch. I liked it but thought the first paragraph could be tweaked a bit. It's a mammoth sentence... Some of the sentences have missing words or letters so I'd suggest editing it to make sure it's flawless, as this is what people will be looking at to be enticed to read on.

I liked the introduction. It's very reminiscent of the kind of intro you'd get watching films, nicely written.

The first thing I have to say is that you have some enormous paragraphs. Whilst in print this is not such a bad thing, on autho it's very difficult to read, so I'd suggest breaking them up to avoid eye strain for your readers.

Again, you have some really long sentences. The first one of your prologue for example. I think this could be rewritten to really have impact (and remember I'm just a reader, not an editor - these are just my opinions so please ignore anything that doesn't feel right). At the moment the beginning of the prologue feels a bit flat and repetitive. You've told us it's an empty foggy field and then repeated it, which I think could be pared back. Also, I'd like to see how the prisoners in the truck are scared. You've told us but I want you to show us. Is one of them crying, fidgeting, has one of them wet themselves? What do they look like, what are they wearing? Are they malnourished? One of the problems I think you'll have here is that the holocaust is something absolutely everyone knows about so they'll already have images in their heads as to what they expect (what they'd expect prisoners to look and act like for example) so I do think you need to really sharpen this up. It's perhaps unfair in that had you written about something else, people may not have these preconceived ideas, but I do think it's something you'll have to bear in mind.

Be careful not to let your narrative become stage direction like. For example, then it stops in the middle of the field and the soldiers come out of the truck and they open the back of the trucks and yell rudely at them in German 'get out!' and all the people who are bearing the star of david on their clothes step out of the truck and there are men, women and children among the victims of the holocaust. 

First of all, in my opinion anyway, this sentence is way too long, rambly and repetitive where instead I'd like to feel sympathy for these people I'm not feeling much at all because they feel very flat. If I were writing this I'd go for something like:

The truck jerks to a stop in the middle of the fields and the cab doors swing open, creaking in the silence of their surroundings. Lowering their polished boots into the mud of the field, two soldiers make their way to the back of the truck, rubbing their hands against the ice cold air. Taking a last pull on his cigarette, one of them releases the catch to the back of the truck with one hand before flicking the butt of his cigarette away with the other. Inside the cold, dark hold of the truck, twenty faces stare back at him with dirty, tear stained and hollow cheeks. A sneer forms on the soldiers mouth, displaying his disgust  at his cargo.

"Get out! (even better if you use actual German here in italics after the English)"

One by one, the prisoners jump down from the back of the truck, each displaying the yellow star of David on their clothes. Men, women and children, all about to become victims of the seemingly never ending holocaust.


This is only an example but what it does (I think) is bring the characters to life. It describes the settings, the field - it's cold, it's muddy. The soldiers - their shiny shoes, cigarettes and sneers - makes them seem like real people. The prisoners, show their fear, their tears etc and start to pull at the readers heartstrings. 

Ideally I think you need to think like this for the entirety of your first chapter and beyond. Having read it you have the bare bones there and the plot, judging by your pitch, is a good one. I just think you need to start fleshing it out a bit, round your characters and surroundings some more. If you think about it like a film that should help. If you were describing it as a film to someone what would you include to try and convey the emotion etc on screen?

Hope I've been of some help.

Silva 

Hi Ariena

Ok your pitch. I liked it but thought the first paragraph could be tweaked a bit. It's a mammoth sentence... Some of the sentences have missing words or letters so I'd suggest editing it to make sure it's flawless, as this is what people will be looking at to be enticed to read on.

I liked the introduction. It's very reminiscent of the kind of intro you'd get watching films, nicely written.

The first thing I have to say is that you have some enormous paragraphs. Whilst in print this is not such a bad thing, on autho it's very difficult to read, so I'd suggest breaking them up to avoid eye strain for your readers.

Again, you have some really long sentences. The first one of your prologue for example. I think this could be rewritten to really have impact (and remember I'm just a reader, not an editor - these are just my opinions so please ignore anything that doesn't feel right). At the moment the beginning of the prologue feels a bit flat and repetitive. You've told us it's an empty foggy field and then repeated it, which I think could be pared back. Also, I'd like to see how the prisoners in the truck are scared. You've told us but I want you to show us. Is one of them crying, fidgeting, has one of them wet themselves? What do they look like, what are they wearing? Are they malnourished? One of the problems I think you'll have here is that the holocaust is something absolutely everyone knows about so they'll already have images in their heads as to what they expect (what they'd expect prisoners to look and act like for example) so I do think you need to really sharpen this up. It's perhaps unfair in that had you written about something else, people may not have these preconceived ideas, but I do think it's something you'll have to bear in mind.

Be careful not to let your narrative become stage direction like. For example, then it stops in the middle of the field and the soldiers come out of the truck and they open the back of the trucks and yell rudely at them in German 'get out!' and all the people who are bearing the star of david on their clothes step out of the truck and there are men, women and children among the victims of the holocaust. 

First of all, in my opinion anyway, this sentence is way too long, rambly and repetitive where instead I'd like to feel sympathy for these people I'm not feeling much at all because they feel very flat. If I were writing this I'd go for something like:

The truck jerks to a stop in the middle of the fields and the cab doors swing open, creaking in the silence of their surroundings. Lowering their polished boots into the mud of the field, two soldiers make their way to the back of the truck, rubbing their hands against the ice cold air. Taking a last pull on his cigarette, one of them releases the catch to the back of the truck with one hand before flicking the butt of his cigarette away with the other. Inside the cold, dark hold of the truck, twenty faces stare back at him with dirty, tear stained and hollow cheeks. A sneer forms on the soldiers mouth, displaying his disgust  at his cargo.

"Get out! (even better if you use actual German here in italics after the English)"

One by one, the prisoners jump down from the back of the truck, each displaying the yellow star of David on their clothes. Men, women and children, all about to become victims of the seemingly never ending holocaust.


This is only an example but what it does (I think) is bring the characters to life. It describes the settings, the field - it's cold, it's muddy. The soldiers - their shiny shoes, cigarettes and sneers - makes them seem like real people. The prisoners, show their fear, their tears etc and start to pull at the readers heartstrings. 

Ideally I think you need to think like this for the entirety of your first chapter and beyond. Having read it you have the bare bones there and the plot, judging by your pitch, is a good one. I just think you need to start fleshing it out a bit, round your characters and surroundings some more. If you think about it like a film that should help. If you were describing it as a film to someone what would you include to try and convey the emotion etc on screen?

Hope I've been of some help.

Silva 

Thanks for the comment. I know it needs more work. This is basically my first attempt at professional writing so you can see how it is. Thanks for the comments!

Ariena!

First and foremost, I love the premise. As a history teacher who teaches on World War II, I found myself intrigued by the topic. In fact, the opening events in the prologue are gripping. You have the idea, but the writing needs quite a bit of work. Here are some suggestions to help you improve this.

Is the introduction necessary? I'd rather piece this together through your story than receive it up front like this.

The first sentence of your prologue didn't work for me. In fact, most of the issues I came across in your opening pages have the same issues I found in this sentence. So I'm going to break down this sentence and encourage you to apply the same feedback to the rest of your story.

"During a cold fall late evening, in a foggy road in the middle of the country side in Magdeburg, East Germany two Nazi trucks are driving on the outstretched road then they pull up to an empty foggy field and in those two trucks are filled with scared prisoners and Nazi soldiers and the truck rolls up in an area where there is nothing but fog and an empty field."

1. there are too many adjectives in "During a cold fall late evening" that they sound quite jumbled. Clean it up: "During a cold evening in Fall."
2. Should be "on a foggy road" since they're on the road, not in the road. Also, "in the middle of the 'countryside'" because countryside is one word.
3. I'd consider not calling its East Germany for fear of confusing it with the division of Germany that occurred after World War II, not during it.
4. There are some cases where present tense works, but it's one of the most difficult perspectives to master. Check out T.L. Tyson's book which is currently ranked #6 for an example of how it can be done well. Right now, your sentences don't flow well in present tense. I'd consider telling the story in past tense.
5. I'd break up your first sentence. Your first sentence ought to have some sort of impact on your reader, but as is, the power is lost because it rambles on too long. I'd begin a new sentence at "then they pull..."
6. Should be "an empty foggy field" not "a empty."
7. You use "foggy" or "fog" three times in your opening sentence. You should try to avoid repetition like this within the same paragraph and definitely the same sentence. In my opinion, you don't even need to come up with synonyms since we already know it's covered in fog. You've already created that image. We don't need it again.
8. "and in those two trucks are filled with scared prisoners" doesn't make sense. It's either: "in those two trucks are dozens of scared prisoners" or "those two trucks are filled with scared prisoners." You're trying to combine the two, but it doesn't work. I'd actually make the sentence active and do something like, "From the bed of the trucks, dozens of terrified prisoners watch..." and you can finish the sentence with whatever you want them to see or feel or whatever.
9. Try to tighten your prose where possible. "The truck rolls up in an area where there is nothing but fog and an empty field" can simply become "The trucks roll into an empty, fog-covered field."
10. It went from being two trucks, to one truck. Be consistent.

To put together all of this advice, your book could open like this, "During a cold evening in Fall, two Nazi trucks roll into an empty, fog-covered field." Then introduce the cargo in the bed of the trucks and continue forward. Remember: in writing, less is almost always more.

As I mentioned, much of this style of writing continues through your prologue and opening chapter. Apply this advice to your entire opening. When you make changes, let me know and I'd love to take another peek because of my interest in your story. Best of luck!

First and foremost, I love the premise. As a history teacher who teaches on World War II, I found myself intrigued by the topic. In fact, the opening events in the prologue are gripping. You have the idea, but the writing needs quite a bit of work. Here are some suggestions to help you improve this.

Is the introduction necessary? I'd rather piece this together through your story than receive it up front like this.

The first sentence of your prologue didn't work for me. In fact, most of the issues I came across in your opening pages have the same issues I found in this sentence. So I'm going to break down this sentence and encourage you to apply the same feedback to the rest of your story.

"During a cold fall late evening, in a foggy road in the middle of the country side in Magdeburg, East Germany two Nazi trucks are driving on the outstretched road then they pull up to an empty foggy field and in those two trucks are filled with scared prisoners and Nazi soldiers and the truck rolls up in an area where there is nothing but fog and an empty field."

1. there are too many adjectives in "During a cold fall late evening" that they sound quite jumbled. Clean it up: "During a cold evening in Fall."
2. Should be "on a foggy road" since they're on the road, not in the road. Also, "in the middle of the 'countryside'" because countryside is one word.
3. I'd consider not calling its East Germany for fear of confusing it with the division of Germany that occurred after World War II, not during it.
4. There are some cases where present tense works, but it's one of the most difficult perspectives to master. Check out T.L. Tyson's book which is currently ranked #6 for an example of how it can be done well. Right now, your sentences don't flow well in present tense. I'd consider telling the story in past tense.
5. I'd break up your first sentence. Your first sentence ought to have some sort of impact on your reader, but as is, the power is lost because it rambles on too long. I'd begin a new sentence at "then they pull..."
6. Should be "an empty foggy field" not "a empty."
7. You use "foggy" or "fog" three times in your opening sentence. You should try to avoid repetition like this within the same paragraph and definitely the same sentence. In my opinion, you don't even need to come up with synonyms since we already know it's covered in fog. You've already created that image. We don't need it again.
8. "and in those two trucks are filled with scared prisoners" doesn't make sense. It's either: "in those two trucks are dozens of scared prisoners" or "those two trucks are filled with scared prisoners." You're trying to combine the two, but it doesn't work. I'd actually make the sentence active and do something like, "From the bed of the trucks, dozens of terrified prisoners watch..." and you can finish the sentence with whatever you want them to see or feel or whatever.
9. Try to tighten your prose where possible. "The truck rolls up in an area where there is nothing but fog and an empty field" can simply become "The trucks roll into an empty, fog-covered field."
10. It went from being two trucks, to one truck. Be consistent.

To put together all of this advice, your book could open like this, "During a cold evening in Fall, two Nazi trucks roll into an empty, fog-covered field." Then introduce the cargo in the bed of the trucks and continue forward. Remember: in writing, less is almost always more.

As I mentioned, much of this style of writing continues through your prologue and opening chapter. Apply this advice to your entire opening. When you make changes, let me know and I'd love to take another peek because of my interest in your story. Best of luck!

I really like the premise here. The historical aspect is very interesting and informative. I like your time line. For me however, the paragraphs are just way too long. My concentration lulled and I got completely lost half way through. I had to read back to regain my interested only to get lost again as the length dragged on more.
I do think you have some great potential here. A very interesting story but the structure needs a lot of work so as not to swap the reader and turn them away.
Very best of luck with this.
Janny

Hi Ariena,
Wow, i love the introduction. Also the prolougue, however, the tense of the prologue is a little strange. But readable and kind of scary.
Here, primary school means little kids. Your story sounds like high-school kids. And that must have been a cool surprise for them!
This is good, nice easy reading. At first, I liked how you swapped between people and places, but there's a lot to keep up with, and I think some more para breaks would also be great.
The timeline flows well. I think you might be able to show a little more and tell less. Sorry if you've heard this before!! If you need any clarification, let me know.
I think with polishing, this is a great book for the thriller genre.
Thanks Ariena, best wishes for your success. Highly rated!
Monicque. x

This looks interesting. I find this era fascinating.
I enjoy the story so far, but your paragraphs are extremely long.
Lengthy paragraphs are somewhat akin to taking a large bite of steak (assuming one is not a vegetarian and would enjoy the experience), but having so much in the mouth, the effort of chewing overcomes the enjoyment of the food.
I can speak for nobody but myself, but I read to relax, and if a novel makes me work, I stop reading it.

A lot of knowledge here, recounted with authority. A painful subject but one that must be told. Starred, regards, Mark

Chapter 1:

-- “Their job is simple to dig up and analyze skeletal remains, mummified bodies and any kind of ancient remains found in private homes, offices and other various places.” – lovely for fact finding mission.

-- “Then it stops in the middle of the field and the soldiers come out of the truck and they open the back of the trucks and yell rudely at them in German, “Get out!” – common and typical of solders.

-- Your proceeding are recount is horrible, depicting the holocaust in the true sense of words, “…, while the Holocaust victim’s backs are towards the soldiers, “On your knees!” he yells at them and they do as there are told as they are scared of what might happen to them and some even start to pray silently and all the while their hands are still tied behind their backs with ropes and then their hands are released by two young soldier who go down the line and the other young soldiers take their positions behind the frightened people, with their guns ready and aimed and then the senior soldier says to the young soldiers, “Ready, aim, fire!” and the Holocaust victims are shot one by one in the back of their head and they tumble into the pit.”

Dear Ariena,

I find your book's pitch depicting a exciting works of knowledge search and information dissemination given the deployed effort of archaeology, radiography, anthropology, forensic pathology and a historian specialists.

Bravo. I will read on.

Hi Ariena,

I think you have a great premise, the blending of multiple disciplines in the interest of solving a mystery. The historical aspect is especially interesting. I'm concerned, though, that the style of the storytelling makes the book a bit inaccesible to the reader. You have very long paragraphs composed of very long sentences - a lot of "and then....and then..." I'm not sure what the purpose of this distinctive style is, but it made it difficult for me to get engaged in the story. I think you'd do well to stick to a more conventional style, i.e. with shorter paragraphs, and tighter sentences. Just my opinion, of course. I wish you lots of good luck with your interesting story. And of course, I hope you will read and review Animal Cracker.
Best,
Andi