The Cinderfella Blog

I love the twist on Cinderella. I don't think I've ever read a novel with this premise that had a male lead.

Your choice to write first person is a good one. I love how close we are to his thoughts. By the end of chapter one, we know him well. I also like that it's present tense. In my opinion, it's the hardest perspective to write from, but you do so effectively. It creates nice sense of immediacy. It's also very marketable right now in YA with the success of The Hunger Games. Along the same lines, his voice is very distinct. Nice: "while I privately imagine him choking on his own tongue."

The humor is subtle but works well. I loved: "cold pizza and protein shakes." There's some very vivid characterization in this opening that helps your reader sympathize with Jacob.

I love Zarayha's character, but I wonder if instead of telling us about her for a whole paragraph you could show us this through her actions or through their interactions.

Though the conflict in the opening chapter is pretty trivial, it's effective. I think all teens have been in a situation like Jacob's, so it's easy to get drawn into this. You did a great job of keeping my interest.

Nice job proof-reading. I breezed through this.

Suggestion: Chapter one opens with an info-dump. While it is well-written and interesting, it's not the strongest way to start a novel. I'd consider opening with immediate conflict and introducing this information throughout that. "Blend" is singular in "a loud blend of..." so the verb should be "arrives," not "arrive." You use a few adverbs that I don't feel strengthen your writing. I'd comb through this and see if you can cut some of them. You're a good enough writer without them.

What a fun story so far! This is a great start. Highly rated!

CINDERFELLA BLOG
This is a heart wrenching story, partly because it’s well written, mainly because it reads as if it’s true. Jacob comes across as very likable and sympathetic because he doesn’t deserve being dropped into this stepfamily. As an aside, do you know there was a movie many years ago with Jerry Lewis titled Cinderfella? Not a very good movie so I’m wondering if you should think about whether using the same title is a good idea. Either way, highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

I'm a sucker for a reworking of classic fairytales, especially if a boy is the main lead. This mantains the charm of the original, though in a modern setting, which works to its advantages. The characters are promising and I can see much development for them ahead.

First person is a great way to learn what is in the MC's head, but be careful about info dumps, as they cloud up the space and make the reader's mind wander. The first chapter, or prologue, seemed unneeded. You could always work what happened to the mother within the story, and not just give it to us all once and never mention it again. Besides that, I felt that this has promise and I look forward to reading more. Totally Backed.

Cheers,
Marisa
Tower of Paradise

Very different, but I like it.

I saw this book on another shelf and thought I'd have a look and I ended up reading the whole thing. I loved Jake as a character and adored Ray! Jake had me laughing aloud: like when he thought it was good slugs couldn't climb ladders. So simple and so humorous.

You've made a well known story quirky and different. A really enjoyable, easy to read story. Putting it on my shelf and have given it 6 stars ^-^

Arriane

What a clever twist. There are so many new-takes on old stories (i.e. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies) but few involve a switch in gender. In some ways, it would be hard to keep a male character in a Cinderella story from appearing wimpy, but you do a good job keeping him interesting and relatable. I wasn't sure about the opening at first since it's all telling, but once you get to the end (this is my story) and on to chapter one, it makes sense. I like Ray a lot and think you writer her well.

Wow, when did I sell the rights to my life story? Lol. I obviously love this and Jacob is probably the most relatable character I've ever read about. I love your dialogue, it's simple, easy to read and of course realistic. I love the little blogpost in the beginning, it tells you straight away what his backstory is. I know there's supposed to be some sort of television movie with the same "male Cinderella" theme coming out but you've obviously beat them to it and I totally doubt it's going to be better than this. Let's see what else?... Oh yeah and Ray it's pretty much the coolest chick ever, I think that's probably the only difference between Jacob and I...I'll probably end up falling for the indie boho punk chick with the exotic name.lol

Six stars!
Best of luck :)

Great concept & title. I don't like the present tense, myself, and some of the dialogue feels off, eg 'School's such a waste of time'. Wouldn't kids say 'school sucks'? Still, very immediate & fun. Backed.

Okay, PERSONALLY, I really love the way you wrote the beginning, but I'm not 100% sure that an agent would feel the same way. It might be a tad awkward to suddenly appear to switch from third to first person. I know why you did it, and I think it works very well, but just a small warning for you, if you do plan to query this. Feel free to ignore me. ;)

Anyway, I LOVE this idea. It's so cool. I'm surprised I haven't come across something like this before, to be honest. I think you've actually done a great job of capturing Jacob's voice, which is always very important, and your writing has a nice flow to it that makes it pleasurable to read. I'll be backing you soon.

Krista
Wrong

hello Jacob-

book- The Cinderfella Diaries-

Your cover deceived me and after reading the seven chapters; i can
honestly say, that this is one delightful if somewhat dark story.
My heart went out to young Jake and how he is reared under the control Doug .
It's a both a heart wrenching as well as a heart-warming story.
of this young boy growing up under difficult surroundings.
I enjoyed every page of it, perhaps because i can relate to this story.
highly rated
good luck
tom bye
-book- from hugs to kisses'
oblige and read some of mine, you will also relate to my story.thanks

I like the way you have created very ordinary characters essentially but you write them in an interesting and quirky way to keep interest. I also like the strong male voice and I think your writing fits the genre well. I have given this all the stars it deserves.

As ideas, if you want them, I'd think about splitting your first chapter so that the opening becomes a prologue, then chapter 1 begins. I think it would read more easily. I also think you occasionally slip into diary story telling, as opposed to regular novel prose. I don't think that's a bad thing necessarily so perhaps you could consider writing diary entries in places.

Just ideas anyway and very subjective. They don't change the fact that I enjoyed your work.

Best wishes,

Laura
Beneath The Blossom Tree

How did I miss this gem back in March?? This is the sort of story that would appeal to anyone, male or female adult or kid! It is well - written and certainly polished - it is obvious you have spent much imagination and time on this. It deserves exposure so for what its worth Im putting it on my shelf and starring it. Nice job.

Liz
The Cheech Room

I love the twist on Cinderella. I don't think I've ever read a novel with this premise that had a male lead.

Your choice to write first person is a good one. I love how close we are to his thoughts. By the end of chapter one, we know him well. I also like that it's present tense. In my opinion, it's the hardest perspective to write from, but you do so effectively. It creates nice sense of immediacy. It's also very marketable right now in YA with the success of The Hunger Games. Along the same lines, his voice is very distinct. Nice: "while I privately imagine him choking on his own tongue."

The humor is subtle but works well. I loved: "cold pizza and protein shakes." There's some very vivid characterization in this opening that helps your reader sympathize with Jacob.

I love Zarayha's character, but I wonder if instead of telling us about her for a whole paragraph you could show us this through her actions or through their interactions.

Though the conflict in the opening chapter is pretty trivial, it's effective. I think all teens have been in a situation like Jacob's, so it's easy to get drawn into this. You did a great job of keeping my interest.

Nice job proof-reading. I breezed through this.

Suggestion: Chapter one opens with an info-dump. While it is well-written and interesting, it's not the strongest way to start a novel. I'd consider opening with immediate conflict and introducing this information throughout that. "Blend" is singular in "a loud blend of..." so the verb should be "arrives," not "arrive." You use a few adverbs that I don't feel strengthen your writing. I'd comb through this and see if you can cut some of them. You're a good enough writer without them.

What a fun story so far! This is a great start. Highly rated!