The Song of the Quid Hai

Hello mate -

I've read the Prolog and Chapter 1. My comments in caps below.

PROLOG

“I learned the word from one who came from the sky, from higher even than where the elders fly. I will never speak this word to the Quid Hai.”
THIS RHYMES, WHICH IS DISTRACTING – I'D RESTRUCTURE IT TO AVOID THAT.

SECOND PARA – EVERY SENTENCE STARTS WITH “I”. NEEDS SOME VARIATION.

A QUICK WORD ON NAMES FOR A BRITISH AUDIENCE - 'QUID' IS A SLANG WORD FOR A POUND (THE MONEY, NOT THE WEIGHT) AND 'WHOOREN' SOUNDS LIKE 'HOORIN' WHICH IS SORT OF A SWEAR WORD BASED ON 'WHORING'. BOTH MIGHT SEEM AMUSING TO BRITS.

“My name is Whooren and I have been flying for three seasons. In our third season of flight we go to find our song. Finding a song is the most important thing for a young Quid Hai.”
AGAIN, THIS HAS SOME REPETITION, WHICH COULD BE LEANER. I ALSO THINK THE FIRST SENTENCE WOULD HAVE MORE IMPACT AS TWO. (AT THE MOMENT, IT'S KIND OF REMINDING ME OF “HI, I'M DAVE AND I'M AND ALCOHOLIC”) SOMETHING LIKE:
“My name is Whooren. I have been flying for three seasons. We go to find our song in our third season – the most important thing for a young Quid Hai.”

“It was because of my song flight that I had my greatest adventure and learned a great thing.”
REPETITION OF 'GREAT'.

“I am more than four feet high and my wings stretch more than twelve feet, when they are open.”
REPETITION OF 'MORE THAN'

I AM GETTING THAT THERE IS A DEFINITE VOICE TO THIS, WHICH MAYBE THE REPETITION FITS. IT'S A VERY SPECIFIC WAY OF SPEAKING, WHICH GIVES IT A SLIGHTLY 'ALIEN' TONE, WHICH IS GOOD, I THINK.

“I have a nose, and even though they are covered with feathers, I have ears.”
THE 'EVEN THOUGH' MAKES IT SOUND LIKE THEM BEING COVERED IN FEATHERS MAKES THEM LESS VALUABLE. MAYBE:
“I have a nose. I have ears - though they are covered with feathers.”

“What I ended up finding instead was much better.”
THIS IS SLIGHTLY WORDY. MAYBE:
“What I found instead was much better.”

CHAPTER 1

“On the morning I was going to leave on my song flight, I woke up to a wonderful smell coming from the kitchen.”
AGAIN, SLIGHTLY WORDY. I THINK YOU COULD LOSE 'GOING', 'UP' AND 'COMING' TO MAKE A MUCH LEANER SENTENCE.
“On the morning I was to leave on my song flight, I woke to a wonderful smell from the kitchen.”

ACTUALLY, NOW I'M THINKING THAT THE VOICE IS JUST 'YOUNG', IN WHICH CASE A LOT OF WHAT I'VE SAID MIGHT BE REDUNDANT. CHILDREN DO WRITE AND SPEAK REPETITIVELY. IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE GOING FOR?

“My father was very skilled with a needle and thread and he had gone all the way to the mountains on his song flight and had actually seen one of them.”
TOO MANY 'ANDS'. ALSO, IF 'THEM' IS A PANTERA, I'D EMPHASISE 'SEEN' NOT 'HAD'. AS IT READS, I HAD TO DOUBLE BACK TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE HAD SEEN ONE OF.

“ The panterra I painted on your satchel almost ate me.”
THIS READS LIKE IT WAS THE PAINTED ONE THAT NEARLY ATE HIM. MAYBE HAVE HIM POINT TO IT AND SAY “THAT PANTERRA ALMOST ATE ME.”


“I landed on the ground by the mountains where they live. I was determined to go further than any Quid Hai ever had. I thought it would guarantee me a famous song.
“I don't know if I actually went farther than anyone else or not, but I surely got my song. I was smart enough to be nervous as I looked around on the ground for inspiration.
TOO MANY SENTENCES STARTING WITH “I” AGAIN. ALSO, THE FIRST TIME YOU SAY 'FURTHER', THE NEXT 'FARTHER'.

HIS DAD'S VOICE IS VERY SIMILAR TO HIS OWN. AGAIN, MAYBE THIS IS DELIBERATE?

“If I hadn't been nervous, I might not have jumped into the air when I heard the rattle of stones behind me.
“I jumped into the air, just as the panterra jumped at me.
REPETITION OF 'JUMPED INTO THE AIR'

set down his famous green stone carving, in front of me.
The stone was carved in the shape of the great tree
SORT OF A REPETITION OF STONE AND CARVING/CARVED

THERE'S A LOT OF TALKING BY BOTH THE DAD AND THEN THE GRANDAD ABOUT HOW THE ONE SONG RELATES TO ALL THE SONGS, BUT IT STARTS TO FEEL A BIT LIKE I'M BEING HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH IT – THEY SEEM TO BE SAYING THE SAME THING IN DIFFERENT WAYS. I THINK YOU COULD TRIM THIS DOWN A BIT, WITHOUT LOSING THE SENSE OF WHAT EACH OF THEM IS SAYING – AND ALSO MAYBE DIFFERENTIATE THEIR MESSAGES A BIT MORE.

“I couldn't believe it. I owned the most beautiful carving ever made. I had tears in my eyes as I put it into my satchel.”
THREE IN A ROW STARTING WITH 'I'


OVERALL THOUGHTS ARE THAT THIS IS AN INTERESTING BLEND OF A SORT OF NATIVE AMERICAN SPIRITUALITY AND BIRD HABITS / CULTURE. I LIKE THE IDEA OF THE STORYTELLING HERITAGE AND THE COMMUNITY CREATED BY THE SONG. HOWEVER, THE NARRATIVE VOICE IS SORT OF AN ISSUE FOR ME. IT DOES HAVE BOTH AN ALIEN AND A CHILDLIKE QUALITY TO IT, AS I SAID, BUT I THINK IT MAY BE GETTING IN THE WAY OF THE STORY, SOMEWHAT. I WONDER WHETHER A CLEANER NARRATIVE VOICE WOULD BETTER SERVE THE STORY? HAVING SAID THAT, IT DEPENDS ON YOUR AUDIENCE, IF THIS IS FOR YA, THEN MAYBE IT WORKS JUST FINE AS IT IS.

ANYWAY, THOSE ARE MY THOUGHTS.

CHEERS AND GOOD LUCK,

J :)

I skimmed through the first half of this. It’s totally different from your previous stories. Looking forward to reading the rest.

Hey, Ayrich. Long time no see. Can I make a few quick suggestions? ...going to anyway...haha. Just read a little of it to be honest.

I had no way of knowing what lay ahead of me on the morning I was to begin my song flight. I woke up to a wonderful smell coming from the kitchen. My mother had made my favorite breakfast of sartoo grubs and cincinea berries. I love cincinea berries. They taste sweet like honey and for a while after I eat them, my whole mouth tastes like the dandan tree bark smells.

What did I do? I deleted 'going' and 'me.'

Just my take.

This is very imaginative. Well done. too. Best of luck with it.

The style of the writing and the subject should work well for a book aimed at children and young teens. It's handled in a gentle manner. I don't sense any danger for the characters. Nor do I sense any major obstacles in the first three chapters. Because of that, it's probably not for adults.

Parts of the first chapter are dialog heavy. Try to mix in more action and thoughts. Also add more physical descriptions of the characters.

This is unique. If it's for a children audience, it could work. Perhaps with illustrations as well. I'll back it.

Brian
Mute

This was charming and amusing, and reminded me somewhat of a recent movie. I think chapter 3 may have a few too many paragraphs beginning with the letter "i", and that may have been a planned thing on your part so feel free to ignore me. It just struck me visually.

Very good... I like quasi-religious aspects of it. This rite-of-passage within this imaginary culture is fascinating, and the story is just the right length, too. It would have been so easy to have stretched this out for too long, but it's right. I enjoyed reading this a lot.

Great title. 'Quid Hai' rings a bell, not sure why. As I see it, a lovely setup with no conflict. Eden without the snake would be a bore, no? Backed.

The simplicity of the prose works well for a youngin'. I didn't read beyond the first chapter because it's not something I personally would read, but I like the way you pull the reader into the story using the birds' senses. You create an immediate "feel" for the story from the onset and carry it throughout the first chapter. My biggest suggestion is to look at what your character wants, why they want it, and what's going to stop them from getting it. The first chapter had no conflict. Can you find a conflict for this little bird, something to make us worry and turn the page? Perhaps his flight takes off to a poor start. Or perhaps something happens that delays the flight and raises a secondary conflict. Anyway, lots of potential here. Let me know if I can be anymore help. If you want someone to discuss things with/bounce ideas off of, drop me a line. :)

I'll back now - and ask questions later!! Great to see a new book up by the Maestro. xx

This is really good.
The story is superb and the bird-people come across well.
The Mc's voice is loud and clear..
To be honest, I like this better than Miranda.
There is only one line I would change: 'on the morning I was going to begin my song' could be 'on the morning I began my song'.
Backed with no reservations.