Worlds Apart: Leah

I've finished reading this now and have to say I'm a little sad that it's finished.
Leah works great as the heroine of the book, she's the sort of character that readers will be able to relate to, while still bringing that air of intrigue that makes people want to carry on and find out more about her.
Brilliant job :)

Rose,
I'm really enjoying your work. The prologue and Chapter 1 are very well-written, with a lovely mixture of the personal and mysterious that make me want to know more. High starred for now, but will be back soon.
David

Leah – Book 1 has a sensitive beginning in its Prologue. Five years after the death of her mother, the family decides to relocate, with thoughts of leaving it all behind. But she is left alone with those dreams… dreams of danger and faceless people. This is a great hook and entices the reader to turn the page. But the luminous yellow eyes are following her and we must read on to find out what it is. Chapter 5 is a rocket-launcher of a read! With a few more characters assembled, we begin to become more involved in the plot, the last line being a hook into chapter 6 . . . but where is chapter 6? Well, you did it for me. Great book, great plot, great characters. Highly starred. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Rose,
Here for our swap. I've read through chapter 6. This is well written and interesting. I wonder what is going on with these dreams, and who has the yellow eyes.

I was a little confused with the prologue and what seemed like time travel on Leah's part. Does that mean that the story itself takes place before the prologue? I guess I might have to read to the end to find out.

I would have liked a little more 'show' with the relationship with her dad and his temper. Why is he so crazy about her interacting with guys?

That is my biggest niggle so far. Like I said, this is an interesting read.
High stars.
Kate

Hey, you got an interesting story here.

Nice pitch I felt the last bit, “or are they?” was a bit cheesy though.

The Blurb: Interesting blurb. It tells a good bit of the story, but not too much.

Prologue:
Are the italics really needed? If it’s obviously different from other parts of the narrative. Same goes for the dream sequences. Italics are a pain to read in large chunks and seem amateurish to me.

I think the descriptions are nicely done, “…breathing in the familiar smell of wild flowers, and sheltering under the huge old tree, I still found it difficult to comprehend everything that had happened.”
It creates a peaceful scene that contrasts nicely with the blurb and it’s a great beginning sentence and already shows what kind of person Leah is.

The letter to Jen is a bit unnaturally worded at places and it feels like a huge info dump. If I were reading this as a book I’d just skip over the prolog.

Chapter One:
A good start.

I like that Leah is confused by her urge to be next to the stranger and annoyed with herself. I think it’s realistic.

The dialog flows well, the punctuation around it needs a good going over.

I like that in the narrative Leah just says “Dad” and not “my dad” it makes it feel like we’re more in her head. Her inner monologue about the clothes is good too. I think that’s exactly what I’d be thinking if I were going to a new school.

Here: “What the hell was it? My unconscious mind searched for an answer.”
I have a problem with an the “unconscious mind” if it were really unconscious she wouldn’t know what anything was being searched for. That’s why it’s unconscious.

I think the POV gets a little mixed up here: “”Here, why not let me give you a life,” Ben said, noticing my concern.”
How does she know that Ben is noticing her concern?

This is a good story. The characters themselves are interesting. Each character is different from one another and the plot seems to already be moving along. There’s good pacing and the setting is nicely established.

Books like this make me wish i could dedicate more time to reading. It really is a rainy sunday reader. Personally i never get into the whole prologue thing and actually skip them, i went back and read yours and i'm glad i did. Got me thinking, perhaps I shouldn't be so fast to skip ahead.
I love dreams and how they effect people, i don't think i saw enough effect nor real life action. little out of balance and maybe room for a subplot with a few paragraphs scattered about.
Globally I can't fault your writing style, clearly you've been at this for some time and it shows. Some people will subconsciously have a favorite word over use. I did see a few words abused but never on a global scale so that's good.
Overall a pleasure, I do hope to be in the same league as you one day soon.

Hi Rose,

I had some time to read through the first two chapters and I find this interesting. Not much to critique other than these two things from chapter 2:

There was that sound again. It sounded as though… <--- I would say “There was that noise again.” It is a little less repetitive. Or, even describe the sound… is it a bang? A clatter? A swish?

I explained that Dad and I had moved earlier this month, from a little village… <-----You could make this a dialogue section or leave it as it is, but if it was me, I would make it dialogue! You could add more depth to the conversation by describing what each character does and how they say things, if Ben is going to be an important character, you could build it up here.

Good, clean writing, missing a few commas here and there but overall very promising. I like the mysterious strangers in the dreams that she feels comforted by. Will be back for more! Highly starred.

Ashley - The Vedeine Saga: Deception

Hi Rose,
this is a little like stepping back in time for me, because about 20 years ago my boyfriend at the time went to Warwick Uni and lived just outside Coventry, so we went up to Kenilworth Castle often.

I liked the sense that she was almost time travelling by will in the Prologue. That is a lovely idea.

I quite like the way you use different devices in the story e.g. the e-mail, dreams & nightmares and then her coma/concussion at the end (I got that from your pitch). You're clearly a writer with interesting and unique ideas.

I thought Leah's 'voice' came through the prose well, particularly in the e-mail at the beginning of the book, the language felt very appropriate to a first year university student. That is really hard to get right, so well done.

Niggles?
Not many...
1) Henry James famously said "Tell a dream, lose a reader." I'm not fond of dreams/nightmares in fiction. They feel a bit like cheating. But I think you can get away with it here, as levels of consciousness seems to be something of a thread running through your novel. But perhaps cut them down a little where you feel it's possible. Reading other people's dreams can be a bit boring, however beautifully they are written.

2) You wrote the scene when Leah meets Ben for the first time so delightfully, it is very sensually and sensitively done but then the sentence "I'd even go so far as to say he was totally hot" cheapens the atmosphere substantially! Better without it, I think.

No other niggles, you write well, with an easy style, found it all flowed well and I would have happily read on for much longer.
5 stars from me!
All the best,
Sharda.
I know you are busy, but take a look at mine when you can.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Hello Earth Countess, I remember reading this a while ago and making notes for comments, but I don’t think I ever sent them. Must be Altzheimer’s.

Personally I like prologues, always use them myself, and the first, italicised part of yours is a nice one, dreamy and evocative. I wonder though if it wouldn’t be an idea to skip the letter and dive straight into your first chapter which is fast and full of lots of impressions.
The father/daughter relationship, usually post-divorce is one that seems to crop up quite often in the YA books I’ve been reading lately, and you handle it well. Not that I’m an expert, but it seems natural that Leah’s father should be protective but a bit awkward. In Leah’s case you have the additional emotional tension from her mother having died, Leah ending up taking over her mother’s role and resenting it.

I like the way she compares everything to her ex, very natural.

The characterisation of Leah is well thought out and convincing. She is a typical ‘fresher’ starting out on the big adventure of university. She worries about clothes, whether she’s going to fit in and whether she’s going to make friends. She’s typical, but she’s real. Ben though, I felt was perhaps a bit more stereotyped – not only is he kind and attentive, but he’s tremendously good-looking and very rich. Also, by chapter seven he still hasn’t even put his hand on Leah’s knee. Is he gay, or what? Or have students changed since I was one?

The pace, I thought, was just a tad slow - but that may be because I’m used to reading YA with a lot of action up front - mainly because of the difference in pace between the dream sequences and Leah’s waking life. The dream sequences are tantalising, hinting at a darker story that I for one would like to get to grips with sooner. Leah’s waking world seems very ordinary, even with the accident, compared with her unconscious world. I for one was hoping to find out more about the men in the car, the voice, the thing with yellow eyes.
I’m enjoying this, I can take the pace (not being YA) and want to find out about that thing in the car.
Best of luck with Leah
Jane

Wormholes
The Dark Citadel

Love your style and the premise, so I've backed it. There are a few technical niggles, but will leave those comments to others who are far more qualified than I am to point out.

You have me hooked, as I continue to read more.

High stars from me, keep working on it (the editing never ends does it??)

Linda
Threads of Time

Hello , an interesting start , you have got me guessing about what is going to happen next. Watchlisted and starred. Would you be abled gto look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century, with b est wishes from Strachan Gordon

Rose,
Just finished Chapter 5, and I wish I had time to read more. The slow boiler quality of your story-telling has me hooked. There is a lovely, unassuming clarity to your style.
There were one or two places where I think you can afford to pick up the pace a tiny bit - early part of Chapter 4 for example. And one or two other very minor things you may want to consider looking at in Chapter 5:
At the end of the 2nd dream, and then again at the start of the next section, you repeat the phrase 'for that matter' in successive sentences.
Be careful of overuse of 1st person pronouns, e.g. 'but my lie had frozen my mind'. I think 'but the lie had frozen my mind' would be stronger.
You don't need the word 'everything' in the sentence 'I focussed everything on trying to catch up'.
Finally, as one who has suffered more than a few falls, I must commend the last paragraph, which is totally convincing. However, I think the surprise would be even more dramatic if you started the first sentence with 'I didn't see the bike coming...' instead of 'I never saw the bike coming...'
Let me know if any of this makes sense, and indeed, whether or not it is helpful.
David

Read ch1, needs some editing. I found some odd sentences; I shook the sleep from my thoughts
Instinctively I tensed.
But the story is good.

Rose,
I'm really enjoying your work. The prologue and Chapter 1 are very well-written, with a lovely mixture of the personal and mysterious that make me want to know more. High starred for now, but will be back soon.
David

I've finished reading this now and have to say I'm a little sad that it's finished.
Leah works great as the heroine of the book, she's the sort of character that readers will be able to relate to, while still bringing that air of intrigue that makes people want to carry on and find out more about her.
Brilliant job :)

I'm up to chapter 13 now and have to say that this has kept me completely enthralled for most of today, to the detriment of the work I'm supposed to be doing :p
I can honestly say that I have no idea of what's going on with Leah and all the people around her, but that's the very reason that keeps me reading. I love a mystery!

So yours is the first book I've read on here and I have to say that I am genuinely intrigued as to what is going to happen next.
Unfortunately, I only had time to read the prologue and the first chapter at work, but I will definitely be coming back to this.

I like the fact that I feel empathy towards Leah, you've written it in a way that makes me feel like I'm there with her, being told her story rather than just reading it.

Sophie

I am finally getting around to our book swap.

I must say that if i saw your book on the shelf in a store, i would pick it up to read the synopsis based on the cover alone.

And after reading your synopsis i would buy it because it had me hooked.

I love your descriptions and how you use the castle as a place for the main character to escape to.

I will continue to read more

Good Luck!

Thanks Kirsty - the cover was created by our very own Bradley Wind, and I admit I love it too!

I am finally getting around to our book swap.

I must say that if i saw your book on the shelf in a store, i would pick it up to read the synopsis based on the cover alone.

And after reading your synopsis i would buy it because it had me hooked.

I love your descriptions and how you use the castle as a place for the main character to escape to.

I will continue to read more

Good Luck!

Leah, and the tone of the story, do feel like you have a YA voice here. Lots of issues bubbling away in the five chapters that I read, death of a mother, father's violent temper, stranger in a new town, the dreams, the draw of the castle and of course the attraction to Ben.

The storms and the dreams create an uneasy feeling, the warning that Leah should trust no-one supports that. Her father's violence feels like it's a new thing since her mother's death but I get mixed feelings about him - he clearly wants to protect her (the vitamins, the worrying about who she is with) but then he lashes out and physically hurts her and doesn't seem to have any remorse about it. Makes me think there is more than his grief at work.

The setting and the characters seem very English so the use of Mom stood out to me, as it's so much more common in the US.

Good, dramatic end to chapter five.

So, it seems to me that you have the right elements for an enjoyable read with hooks for your target audience.

I really like your pitch.

Your opening is quite pretty, but I find there are some spots where the tense changes abruptly.
I always have had problems with tense change. It seems like you just would like to write what comes to mind and sounds good so the story can run smoothly down and out from your imagination, and I like that you have that ability to do that, but others might not honestly.

I have already backed this, but i will continue reading seeing how you can draw this all together with your pretty intro and great pitch.

Best of luck,

Elora =D

Halfway down chapter ten, the revelation is really chilling! The rest is also well written and enjoyable. Very different for the genre, but really great! There's a kind of subtle creepy undertone, and Leah is someone that adults would also be able to relate to. I would like to see the rest!

G'day! and congratulations too...

Rose Wall is a darn good read - no doubt about that.

You must be very proud of it.

Regards,
KEN BLOWERS
(The old English gent/bloke living in Australia.
So far he has written no novels, but has put up
six books of short stories and five books of plays.
Plus QUOTE ME : a book of 1,000 quotations,
which is his most popular book so far!
Here's the link:
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38541/quote-me/
Try this one too:
http://www.authonomy.com/managebookshelf.aspx

YARG review:
The prologue was interesting, but it was the start of chapter 1 that hooked me. Really liked it, and will be coming back when I have more time to read :-)

The one thing I found odd, was that you mention in chapter two that she guesses Ben to be around her age, but we as readers have not yet established her age - so perhaps it would be helpful to just establish that - for us poor people who are not from england and don*t know at what age you do stuff in UK :-)

Good luck!

As part of the Alliance of World Builders, I’m sure you want solid feedback. Here goes!

I read through Chapter 2. It took me awhile to get used to all the tense changes: present, past, and back again. Once I adjusted to that aspect, the story became quite readable. It feels OK, but I’m a fan of a common tense.

The pace seems pretty leisurely in places. I believe this is due to the amount of backstory included, and the development of the dad/daughter relationship. It might be possible to unfold these as the story progresses? Also, it would be great to let the relationship “show” itself as opposed to having the MC telling the reader via her reflections.

Here are specifics on Content & Mechanics.

CONTENT
- Prologue: “Smelt”? Perhaps “smelled”? (Maybe it is a Brit thing, like “leant”.)
- Love the line: “There wasn’t that much life to it…”
- The seatbelt confused me. He’s putting it on HER, but she snatched it off HIM? ? ?
- “The car accelerated away…” The “away” bothers me. Perhaps: “The car lurched forward/took off”?
- “He turned towards me, but his face WAS hidden by the shadows.” Or “He turned towards me, his face hidden by shadows.”
- The “Abruptly..crash…” sentence is foggy. Could use a rewrite.
- “Reluctantly(,) I dragged…” When a transitional word or phrase begins a sentence, it is usually st off from the rest of the sentence with a comma.
- Is “focussed” the Brit spelling of “focused”?
- I was confused with the setting between the Prologue & Chap 1. [maybe I shouldn’t have been, since it IS a prologue…] I assumed that the italicized sequence in Chap 1 was the result of reading the email. As such, I expected Leah to wake up by the tree, but she was in her room…
- I don’t understand what this phrase is trying to say: “…all over the sixth form common room walls.”
- Should be: “nineteen-year-old” (with the hyphens)
- There are quite a bit of adverbs—which usually bother me—but you employed them very well. I did notice a few sentences that had three adverbs within them. Those sentences could use some refining.

MECHANICS
- There are punctuation & capitalization issues in some of the dialogue.
- Should be: "nineteen-year-old" (With the hyphens)

I hope this feedback is helpful in honing your mss. I can sense that the story is heading somewhere. I want to get to that point. I’ll revisit soon and keep reading.

~Lucas
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41102/capritare-the-cycles-begin/

this is a Yarg review,
I like the prologue and felt it explained just enough, perfectly. Chapter one went so smoothly:0) I immediately liked your characters, Leah and Ben. I have only read to Chapter two and sense a romance as well as something paranormal coming their way:0) I've enjoyed the read so far and will happily leave a five star review even at this early point:0) I cannot wait to read some more and have added your book to my list:0)
A.D.

Hello Rose-

book- World's apart; Leah-

read four chapters and glanced at some more over the week-end.

Eye catching cover,and a good pitch setting out the story to come; liked those last few lines;Leah is thrown into a world of dark and dangerous situations. I was hooked.

One reader made a comment relating your book to Stokers Dracula; well i have to concur, and that is a compliment, that book is one of my favourite reads. Your story is equally paced in a nice slow built up; and as for the dream sequences; i just love them , fantasy at it's best.
Compelling and well written with that car trip hanging in suspense to have the reader guessing.

There is a big market out there for this type of story and i feel it will do very well indeed.

tom bye
book-from hugs to kisses.
mine is littered with fantasy, you might like chapters 14,15,16 glance and oblige please. thanks

These comments will just be over the first chapter of your story. If you would like me to read more, I would gladly do so, just let me know! Take everything I say with a grain of salt, because I am new to this. Here we go...

I like how you start with the italicized thoughts. I’m a fan of that. Already like where this is going, and I’m only on the second paragraph. Moving away after a death is a strong hook and solid pull to keep reading. I want to know more, more, more!

The idea of the Castle as this getaway and that is “her” place, it has a feeling that reminds me of a grown up “Secret Garden.” Which is one of my all-time favorite books! A few questions, 1) Is this Castle open to tourists or is this just a tourist town and she is bumping into them? 2) Okay this may be a bit of cheat, but I promise to keep reading because I like it so much, but will we find out how she found the Castle? Was it just an accident, common knowledge that it is there, etc? Just some things to think about. Good luck with this! I’m adding you to my watchlist! 5 stars from me!

Ashley
Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

Yarg Review

Enjoyed this story and did find some similarities between your dream world and my MC - interesting(Great minds and all that -haha) Your Ben sounds a bit like my Hawk - although we need to feel him a bit more to get the YA heart racing. I enjoyed reading her thoughts and feel that it is important in YA to get an insight into the MC's thought processing - it's another way to build up character and atmosphere. Writing in first person is so much more difficult and challenging but so far you've left me wanting to read more = popping this onto my watchlist - well done - big stars!!!

YARG review
SP - interesting pitch, made me want to read on
LP - hints at excitement to come. However, if this is fantasy there should maybe be a hint of fantasy in the LP. Dangerous worlds could be read as gangsters or drugs...,.

I have read your first six chapters and think that you have the makings of a wonderful idea. The dreams are my favourite part, they are so sinister and the action is fast and urgent.

Prologue - didn't really hint at much, seemed to serve no purpose. Chapter One - just too much back story. You didn't need it and a fickle reader could have switched off by this point.

Saying that, chapter two, va va voom! The dream is intense, her reaction believable. If we forgot about the prologue and ch1 it raises all sorts of questions that would keep me reading on - Why is she new in town? Where is her mother? Why is she so worried about pretending she is OK for her father? Is this a recurring dream? You could unravel this all in hints throughout the story and keep the plot rolling on nicely. My only small issue with the dream is a small diversion about "we don't have wild animals..." It slowed down the whole sequence and took away the urgency. Is it realistic that she is being chased but stops to pontificate about the native wildlife of the United Kingdom?

I'm not sure if anyone will have picked this up but the scene in the restaurant with Ben is practically identical to a scene in Twilight where the waitress blatantly flirts with Edward and ignores Bella. Given your target market is likely to come from the Twi-hard demographic it's worth pointing out.

Can we move onto Ben? I'm just not feeling him. "very nice to look at" seems to be the height of her excitement towards him and that doesn't really float my boat. What does he look like? What does he smell like? I want to sympathise with Leah and fall in love with Ben along with her. The way he takes charge in the hospital makes him seem like an alpha male and it should be easy to paint a picture of him that tickles the readers fancy. It doesn't have to be all at once. Maybe the first time she sees him he is in silhouette against the sun, she might notice his broad shoulders and bulging biceps, then his eyes come into focus as he crouches down beside her, you get the picture, keep us hanging on for the good stuff!

Leah is a likeable heroine and her dad is intriguing. However, I'm six chapters in though and none the wiser as to where this is going. I've said this to other people and I'll repeat it to you. The wonderful Stephen King in "On Writing" cautions that Second Draft = First Draft less 10%. My feeling at the present time is you could apply this to make things a lot slicker and move faster into the storyline.

There's good stuff in here and I wish you the best of luck in crafting it into a wicked YA novel. Marns

A YARG Review

I've read the first three chapters here. I like the idea of dreams impacting on the real world so your pitch sounded pretty interesting to me, and once I was reading I found your MC easy to get along with as a character.

One thing that stood out for me as a criticism - there is one hell of a lot of talking going on. In chapter one, nothing seems to really happen, it's all narration. And the next two chapters do have some 'event's, but are still surrounded by words and words and words.

I like a good story as much as the next person, but the reader is looking for the action, for the point of the story. I liked your start in italics, it got me interested, but after that it feels like I'm then waiting for the story to actually start.

It sounds like you've got a great idea here, and a great background for the characters, but at the moment it feels like a lot to get through before anything of any significance starts happening.

Other than that though, I love the idea you have and I do think you've got a great set of characters, who you've obviously put a lot of thought into! Your profile seems to be saying that this is a pre-edited version? So perhaps a lot of what I'm saying doesn't apply anymore :)

Good luck with it!

KT

A YARG Review,

From having read this up to the 4chapter this book really has the easy feel friendly read type of book. I really enjoyed the opening chapter as anyone can also relate to it as it talks about the sort of things that most of us probably thought of it when we was thinking of going to college or was going to college. I like the way this book reads out as it has again has the good easy feel to it when your reading it which is really good.

The only concern that i have with this book thus far not having finished reading the entire upload is the use of repetition of the word "had" As I constantly came across pronoucing it when I was reading it.

But all in all, a great start and I will be coming back to finish reading it and returning the full book comment of the book.

This is a good start to what promises to be a sound, young adult book.
The writing flows and the characters are interesting.
Maybe I will be back for more, not sure it's Richard's kind of thing though...

Yvette Jones
Hysteron

I love your voice, it's easy to read and flows very very well. I like your character and the struggles she has, especially with her dad. Then chapter 2 builds lots of excitement and mystery. It kept me intrigued to read more. All in all I felt it was a very good book and perfect for the market. My only piece of advice would be to watch words like 'had' and 'that'. If you read it and take those out, most times they aren't needed. Just a little tip I was given to tighten up my work and I like to pass it along. It doesn't distract from your writing at all. Which I felt was very good.

I've had this on my watchlist forever and I'm sorry now I waited to read it!
I'll shelve it sometime soon but starred for now.
Missy

Hi, Rose – this is your YARG review from Audrey. My English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, often accompanies me on my reviews. Anything you disagree with was probably her idea.

SP – isn’t “chance encounter” a bit of a cliché? And I think the worlds and beings are beyond her wildest dreams.

LP – Your long pitch reads a bit like a synopsis. Someone recently encouraged me to make mine more of a hook by adding more robust verbs and creating more interest in my book. He was right. You have lots to work with here….

Your introductory paragraph has elements that would be wonderful in your long pitch.

Your first sentence doesn’t seem powerful enough to start a novel. But that second sentence is a corker. What memories? Why would moving help? That sentence really hooks me in.

I haven’t read the first page, but I see that it’s all exposition/narration. That’s okay – but it will need to be ‘knock your socks off’ exposition/narration….after reading, I have two thoughts. These details can be pared down significantly. There is some repetition and not all the information seems absolutely essential for this valuable piece of real estate, where you get the chance to really reel the reader in.

Oh my – the start of Chapter 2 would make an awesome beginning!! Who is this man holding her? Who is the driver. Mysteries! Very exciting. Is there any way you could start with this??

Quotation marks go outside the punctuation.

The description of Ben is a bit weak. It’s too straightforward and doesn’t let the reader see him as attractive. Instead of listing his attributes, show us…..I had to tilt my head up to see his striking blue eyes….Maybe introduce a feature every paragraph or so. She can notice more the next day when they have coffee.

Her conversation with Ben is a perfect place to add a few of the details from the first chapter.

Disorientated – not a word. Use disoriented. You use it two times in fairly rapid succession in Ch. 3 – might want to change one to another word.

How does laughter prevent coffee from spilling?

I’ve read three chapters now, and haven’t had the slightest inkling about The Savants. It’s up to you whether or not that’s important. Perhaps something happening that can’t quite be explained?

Fantasy such as yours is very popular with YA reader, and your story has elements they particularly like – the missing mother, suspicions about the father, and the hot stranger. And college! A terrifying, exciting, life-changing time. You’ve got a great concept here.

Best of luck with this-
~AudreyB

A YARG review-
This is a good book. The idea of an 'abusive' father, deceased mother, and confused daughter really sets the scene for a great plot. Leah is sweet and nice, and you immediately find yourself rooting for her. The suspense by the end of the last chapter is intense, and I can't wait to find out what happens next.
Just one pointer--your setences are too long. You have lots of run-ons and it gets confusing. Try using more semi-colons and periods, or deleting unnecessary words. Other than that, I think you'll do well on authonomy!
Great job!
Noelle

Well, this story stirs a lot of questions and seems to almost throw a red herring in Dad's direction. Oddly, I don't trust Ben. And, you ended it in a cruel place.

Except for the tendency toward narration that I think bogs down the story, you've got a good concept here and you do well with it. The story is very compelling. I definitely want to now how it ends.

I've read four chapters so far and will give you more specific crit soon. It's a great story, but I think it's bogged down with way too much description of what Leah is seeing, feeling, etc., and not enough dialogue or action. The dialogue and action you have is very strong and the descriptions are evocative, but ... maybe they just need to be intertwined with the dialogue and action rather than segregated out by themselves. I think that's what I'm finding difficult with it.

That said, it is interesting enough that I want to come back and finish it. I just think it could be better, more compelling without the heavy narration.

Lauri (The Willow Branch)

This is an interesting piece - dare I say quirky ? It's an oft used word, but here I believe, the description genuinely fits. Written in almost journalistic style, it lends a strength to its timbre. It has the notion of being dispassionate, but yet the subject matter is deeply intimate, and thus both combined gives the emotions conveyed validation. You've juggled the two with consummate ease, which, in my humble opinion, is the hallmark of talent. It resonates slightly of Stoker's Dracula, though with an obviously contemporary edge.

Lovely stuff.

Hi Rose, I promised you some more feedback, so here’s my take on Chapter 2. I hope it’s helpful. You have a great story here, the characterisation and settings are spot on. There is a tendency to repeat words and use adverbs, where alternatives could be found, which we’re all prone to from time to time. That said this is something I would definitely buy and read avidly. You asked me what I thought the genre would be and I think it’s paranormal romance, with touches of fantasy.

Chapter 2.
The opening is very evocative, I felt caught up in Leah’s dream.
Repetition: The noise grew closer; I still couldn’t quite (work out) what it was...I couldn’t (work out) where it was coming from. The repetition slightly mars the flow of the narrative; suggest replacing the 2nd “work” with “make.” I couldn’t make out where it was coming from.
...it didn’t really sound like an animal anyway, there wasn’t that much life to it... Loved this.
Reluctantly I dragged myself away from those safe arms (that were wrapped around me)... I don’t think you need the bracketed words, the sentence, in my opinion, is more evocative without them: Reluctantly I dragged myself away from those safe arms, as Dad gently shook me awake...
Syntax: ...his face (hovering) into view next to me. I’m not sure this is grammatically correct, would suggest: ...his face hovered into view next to me. I also think it gives a better sense of immediacy.
Repetition: It wasn’t as though he could be (real), things like that didn’t happen in (real) life. Suggest replacing the 2nd bracketed word with (everyday life.)
I laughed to myself (quietly). I don’t think you need the bracketed word for 2 reasons: firstly it’s an adverb and as you know they should be avoided whenever possible. Secondly, the fact she’s laughing to herself indicates the quietness, so there’s no need for the adverb.
Dad drank his coffee and (quickly) ate the toast... again, another unnecessary adverb.
(Absentmindedly) he kissed my forehead, already preoccupied... Again, you don’t need the adverb. The world “preoccupied” indicates his absentmindedness.
Repetition: There were just a few weeks left until the (term started), and I had carefully chosen my clothes for (the start of the new term). In effect the bracketed words are saying the same thing twice within the same sentence. Suggest rejigging along the lines of: There were just a few weeks left until the term started and I had carefully chosen my new clothes. You don’t need the rest, as it’s obvious why she’s chosen new clothes.
I put my hand over my eyes... This sounds as if she’s actually covering her eyes with her hand. Perhaps: I shaded my eyes with my hand...
Now that I (had had) the chance... This isn’t incorrect, but it is clunky. You only really need the one had. Now that I had the chance to look at him properly, works better.
...Suddenly (really) anxious... You don’t need the bracketed word; “anxious” says it all.
I looked (quickly) at my watch. This is an opportunity to show a viable alternative to the adverb: I (glanced) at my watch. “Glanced” illustrates the quickness of her movement.
...it’s more or less on the way (anyway)... way and anyway sound too much alike and you don’t really need the bracketed word.
Repetition: ...none the wiser to the events of the (day). “How’d your (day) go? “...I met another newbie in town (today)... The repetition needs to be thinned out a little. Suggest something like the following: ...when Dad got home, none the wiser to what I’d been up to. “How’d your day go?” ...I met another newbie in town, we’re going to meet...

Rose,

Having read through the first two chapter, I thought I'd offer some comments. Hopefully you'll find them useful.

The first section, I assume acting as a prologue, I'm torn over what to say. On the one hand, it's well written with only a couple of corrections needed and consists of big chunks of exposition, which are tough to write in a way that catches the reader, yet you don't seem to have much of a problem doing it. But on the other hand, I have to ask is it really necessary? Of course the background information is needed, but could it not be split up and inserted into the story as and when it becomes particularly relevent? I just don't know...Another thing I'd like to ask about that section is where does this take place? The use of College in such a manner makes me think USA, the mention of W. Raleigh and potatoes makes me think Ireland, and the pitch suggests Warwickshire. I think it should be clarified.

So onto the next chapter (or first proper). Ok, opening with a dream is a little cliched, but I'll let you off, as it's not too short, not too long and seems very relevent. Your narrative is strong, with just the right amount of description to allow the reader some exercising of the imagination. Dialogue is good too, being generally realistic and you make use of it for context and characterisation where needed. There are a lot of errors with punctuating it though, and while I suspect you're using the American norm for all this work, there's still a fair bit that's incorrect either way, eg how you punctuate the return to a sentence after a dialogue tag has interrupted it.

While the story seems to be heading in a direction that I wouldn't follow due to my personal preferences, you tell it in a way that I imagine would capture younger readers, especially teenage girls, who I think would love this. Be careful though not to confuse realism with wishful thinking. I say this because the boy Ben asking her for coffee so suddenly is more along the lines of what a young woman would want to happen than what would be likely to actually happen. This is compounded by his later bashfulness; a trait unlikely to appear if he was so confident.

So, that's all I have to offer. Overall, you show promise as a writer; the grammar issues are minor and nothing a good edit won't fix. Oh, and don't use numerals; always, always type the number, especially in dialogue.

D M Sharples.

Hi Rose, just read the opening of Leah – Book 1 of the World apart series, and thoroughly enjoyed it. What particularly impressed me is that the whole piece is devoid of dialogue, yet so skilfully is the exposition written, I was carried along and reached the end before I realised it. Your writing is, on the whole, tight, focused and very, very atmospheric. The last line: and unfortunately those dreams – is a great hook with which to draw the reader on. I shall continue reading and get back to you when I can. In the meantime I’ve left some thoughts, which I hope prove useful. Backed.

Pitch.
The pitches do their job of drawing the reader in. That said, in the long pitch there are a couple of repetitions that need to be weeded out: ...as (this) relationship deepens... but (this) seems to have an awful effect... Suggest replacing the 1st bracketed word with “the.” ...where her father’s attempts to control her mind... (becomes apparent). Her new friend’s real identity (becomes apparent)... Suggest replacing the 2nd lot of bracketed words with: Her new friend’s real identity is revealed – something along those lines.
Chapter One.
The opening paragraph beginning: Sitting here, breathing in the familiar smell of wild flowers... and ending: I just needed to make sense of it this one time – is so evocative. An immediate image sprang into my mind, as I felt myself carried forward into the story.
...and to somewhere (where) we could start again. I don’t think you need the bracketed word; it mars the flow of the sentence slightly. Suggest: ...and to somewhere we could start again.
Repetition: Dad said that he thought it would be easier on me if we started afresh (somewhere) new, (somewhere) that I didn’t see Mom in every shadow. As you’ve already used the bracketed word in the previous paragraph, I think using it again, even though it’s for emphasis, doesn’t work. Suggest rejigging along the lines of: Dad said that he thought it would be easier on me if we started afresh in a place where I didn’t see Mom in every shadow – something along those lines.
...and I can usually hide (upstairs) in one of the attic rooms... You don’t need the bracketed word, the fact it’s the attic she hides in indicates where the room is.

Earth Countess, your time has come. Ready your walls, the VC is about to cast holy judgement upon you...

...actually I'm just going to read Leah. Like with all crits, this is just my opinion, informed by reading a lot of YA fantasy, and you are free to let it rot within your ruins or mount a monolith in my honour :)

Your pitch is a little confusing, and somewhat distant. You need to get close to the story and not the 'behind the scenes' stuff. Keep it broad and generic, don't go into too much little detail. So perhaps:

'Nineteen year old Leah struggles to cope with normal life after the recent loss of her mother. Her heart-broken father decides to uproot them to _____ (maybe name the place?) for a fresh start, so they can bury the past behind them. At once Leah is captivated by the castle ruins near her new doorstep, and whilst exploring she comes across a mysterious stranger. Recurring nightmares long thought dead reawaken, and new strains appear in her relationship with her father. But as Leah attempts to piece together the connection between them, she will find herself thrown into dark and dangerous worlds beyond her wildest dreams...'

ONE

Lovely opening. One niggle- the first 'it was hard' feels very impersonal. I would have liked 'I still found it hard to comprehend...'. Just to get us close to Leah's voice. Otherwise, brilliant :)

First thing I notice is an excess of 'that'- most of the time these can be removed and keep the sense. Makes for more fluent reading. I do this a lot myself. e.g. '...the bricks and mortar (that) we left behind.' 'Dad (said that he) thought...' Tighten the writing some more. Otherwise it flows nicely and I have a clear idea of Leah's thoughts, which is good.

Emphasis in novels are done with italics, not bold type, but that just might be because reading on authonomy is a bit tricky.

Some of your sentences are kinda long. This is probably a style thing. Most YA books I've read are a bit shorter, but like I said, it doesn't detract from the story, I just notice it because I'm far too observant for my own good (as Lisa will probably tell you lol).

In the paragraph 'I already liked...' You use the same sentence construction consecutively. It's technically correct, but what I would say that if you follow a pattern too closely (in this case the semi colons) it makes the text repetitive. This can make it a little monotonus to read. Reading aloud often helps. If you pick up a published book and skim through, you should notice that there's usually quite a variation in sentence construction even between consecutive lines. Just something to think about.

Reading the rest of that para, you could replace the semi colons with full stops. Makes it much better to read. Semi colons, if you use them too much, weaken the writing, as it seems the sentence just never ends. Don't be afraid of full stops :)

I like Leah's voice- cool and cynical :) Bit like me really, ha! Though I also have a sarcastic streak...

The other thing I notice is that this is all reported thought. 'This happened, that happened, this happened,' which makes it a bit dry. Hard to say how to liven it up a bit. If you stayed in the present moment under the tree, and interspersed some gestures (sighing, watching the lightning, brushing raindrops from hair etc) between these past events, it might make it more real, but it also probably changes the tone you're going for.

'...fully expected to cope with the academic side of things (ok).' - Don't need the last 'ok'. Also the convention I've seen in books it 'okay' for spelling, or O.K.

Okay, my thoughts on this bit are, while it's while written and all, it seems like a whole 'Last episode on Worlds Apart...'. It's recapping the past too formally. This information is important, true, but I wonder if you might disperse it through the main narrative so it comes out in pieces and not a clump? Start with Leah arriving at the new home, and looking around, describing it, and in between she can relate what she's seeing to what she's left behind. It would just keep it more in the present moment, which I think is important to keep readers interested. 'Start the story where the story begins,' , i.e. the 'change' from old to new.

Still, excellent writing (apart from being a bit semi-colon happy), great character voice, and intriguing premise.

TWO
Dialogue is great. But you spoil it with the 'the person standing beside me.' Much better to go to her reaction. Also, person? I found that weak. Dark shadow? Dark figure? Hazy outline? Cloaked figure? you can still keep it vague but make it more lively.

'Leah, you have to listen to me. You're in real danger." I jumped, glancing to the hooded figure beside me.'

You don't need to tell us someone spoke- the dialogue told us already!

Run on sentence with the commas. And 'I sensed, rather than felt'- I get what you mean but it sounds contradictory. Why not 'I sensed his arm go around my waist, like a shadow of smoke that held me tight against his side, protecting me.' Inject some more vivid description, make the scene come alive.

'There was...' if you find yourself using this a lot, most of the time it can be removed. Get us straight to the action. 'A nagging voice in my head warned me not to be stupid...'

What about Leah's reaction to his touch? Warm? Cold? Makes her skin crawl? Makes her want to edge closer?

Emphasis in an italicized paragraph is done by making the word normal type.

Ah, there it is...but be clearer that it's a touch she likes, and she doesn't like herself liking it (reminds me a little of Eliza actually in Binding :P).

'It was loud...It was so loud'- you could cut the second one. 'It was loud...persistent...a kind of roar. I couldn't work out where it was coming from...'

Too many commas for my taste. Split them up into single sentences. Often when you want to write danger shorter, sharper sentences reflect the tense pace better. Even the oldies did this (Virgil springs to my mind). It works :)

'felt safer'- kinda repeating the above. Perhaps don't make his grip so tight in the first place. So that when it tightens here, it has more impact.

The dialogue formatting isn't quite right in the next bit, but this is a dream sequence and you are allowed to play with styles, so I'm ignoring it.

The dialogue punctuation...you seem to be following US convention. So I'll not comment on it. Long as you keep it consistent, it doesn't matter.

'focussed'- should be 'focused'.

Yeah the semi colon thing is weakening the writing a lot for me now as you've used it so often. Will try not to mention it again :)

Don't over qualify the dialogue. "...he asked...he urged". The latter you can drop as we know it's Leah's Dad talking.

'I hedged'...interesting word choice. Because it's interesting though it's noticable and it jarred me. A simple 'said' would suffice as we tune that out. Save the interesting words for the dramatic moments so they stand out more.

Okay please forgive me...but the POOR SEMI COLONS! Whoa you love them a lot. You need to learn to let go...I know, first loves are so hard to, but trust me, it's for your own good :P

The jump from the house to the castle was a bit sudden, especially as you went into so much detail for the morning routine. Use a scene break (#), just to split them off.

Story is getting a little bogged down with all the tiny details of grass and the like. Try to keep Leah's opinion on it in there. It is in places, but I would like a little more getting into her head.

'tall and fit'- fit, really? In the YA sense perhaps (i.e. 'hot'). Tall and athletic, maybe?

'suddenly' appears twice close together. Spread them out. Otherwise it gets overused and it doesn't have the same impact.

This whole meeting- is this the 'stranger'? It seems so so dull! If this is such an important moment in the story you need to really dress it up, make it stand out. Also the reactions seem a little forced, like you want them to have an excuse to go off together. Leah is shy, isn't it? So wouldn't she blush, avert her eyes, feel tense in Ben's presence? Find it hard to speak? Really wish she'd been left alone and tries to be as minimalistic as possible in her responses? Give me a taste of her personality through her gestures and actions. You've given plenty of thoughts- but I think something more visceral and concrete, in the 'now', would help cement her as a character. Also Ben- how does Leah watch his reaction? What does she think of his behaviour- very up front to ask her for a coffee? Curious as to how he heard a sound she only hears in her dreams? Build up the intrigue some more.

I have to be honest here- after that build up in your pitch about meeting a mysterious stranger, I was really excited. But it blew over for me completely. It was too matter of fact, too similar to what had come before, and much too rushed. Leah sat down and he came to her. Why not go for it? Have her actually exploring the castle- climbing the ruins, looking in parts the tourists don't, enjoying the solitude and finding a place to look out over the landscape, when she runs into Ben. Having them in a quiet isolated spot would up the tension between them, too. You need to draw it out as much as possible.

THREE
I like how you start with the dreams- gives it more a sense of urgency.

Take care of adverb overusage. They're starting to creep in more now. 'guiltily'- for me that's very weak! Just cringed is enough- the verb is strong enough to convey the meaning itself.

You seem to like to report Leah's every move. Her morning routine, the food/ drink she eats, etc. You might want to consider cutting back on this and getting to the point more. It's slowing down the pace and not really telling us anything the reader can't already assume (if she goes out she'd have eaten etc. If she didn't, that would be something to tell us about as it's unusual).

My attention is drifting now. Nothing's happening. Which is at odds to what your pitch promises. Of course Will and Lisa know I'm an action junkie and like to get to the heart of the matter, so there's that to consider, BUT if I was reading this in a bookshop, I'd close it and move on. You're not holding my interest enough. And YA do need to have something that grips them. While your story is good, the pacing isn't quite right. You need to try and keep the story rolling. 3 chapters in and still nothing's changed. The dreams promise some threat, but it's not enough for me. It's too 'matter of fact'.

So, I'm very sorry to say I didn't quite enjoy this as much as I thought I would. Think about how to preserve the tension and drama- the mystery of the dreams, in particular, and perhaps give her something to notice about Ben that's not quite right either. Keep the pressure in the background.

As always these are only my thoughts. You don't have to take notice of any of them if you have a clearer vision of what you want.

...do think about the semi colons, though :P

Good luck and best wishes

Sam241

An interesting start to what seems to be an intriguing story. The idea of the dreams and dealing with the loss of her mother's death (I presume) definitely adds mystery and the promise of something deeper to come.
I found the first chapter a little slow and would have liked the story to launch in sooner, I felt there could be a bit less explanation of their situation and surroundings so soon, and maybe bring in more about the dream. That was definitely the bit that really got my attention. (just a suggestion) You have a nice flow to your writing and a good pace. I enjoyed what I read and wish you all the best.
Rachael
Dreamscape

Even now, knowing thw truth - I like that sentence a lot. Foreshadowing that makes us ask the kind of question thay keeps us reading on. But then the next couple of sentences were a bit too mysterious for me - I had to read them twice to be sure I got it. I think it starts well, but I'm impatient for the story to start after the first three paragraphs. Maybe you could drip feed us some of this backstory later on when we have got more into the characters and story? I was drawn in, though - and having 'started again' a few times myself I feel empathy straight away with Leah.

Rose,
There’s a lot to like in ‘Leah – Book 1’ and as soon as I have some shelf space I’ll be backing the book (and have given it a good star rating). (I’m trying to keep some books on my shelf for a while to help my plummeting TSR!)
I won’t add too much to earlier comments (the story works, the dreams are good and move things along, the characters are appealing and the setting appropriate).
My one critical comment is that this needs to be tightened up to cut out the repletion. I read the first seven chapters and you’ll often repeat a single word (or a closely associated word day/today move/moved dream/dreams) several times in a paragraph or two: ‘move’ for instance in your opening chapter. I’m sure as you re-read this will become obvious.
Best of luck with the Leah project.
Geoff.

Dear Rose,
I really enjoyed this read. I read to the end of chapter six.
I found leah's character intriguing and Ben a charming hero.
The dream scenes added the dimension of intrigue, allowing the reader to know there is more going on.
The writing flowed nicely and the pace worked well.
I was a little surprised at the father's rough treatment but it just opened the plot up further particularly with her memory of her mother's injuries.
Star rated and watch listed
Cheers Jacoba

LEAH

Hey Rose. Well, as requested, here I am from the Alliance thread to give you my views. I’m a bit rusty in the critting department, so excuse any oddities. The usual disclaimer applies: what follows is just my opinion and you should ignore anything that doesn’t click with you and your vision.

The first chapter didn’t work too well for me. It feels like a bit of a summary: ‘this is the information you need to know to understand what follows’. If I were you (and I’m not, so you may disagree) I would really ground that first chapter with some vivid scene-setting. I don’t think you need to add in action or do anything to change what happens; reflective is fine as a start, and it makes a change not to feel as though the writer is desperately trying to grab my attention with dramatic events. But it wasn’t until right at the end of the chapter that I realised Leah was in the garden of the cottage. So I’d get that in right up front. Introduce Leah sitting in the garden – let us into her senses, what she can see and hear and smell from where she is – then go into her reflections on how she got here and what lies ahead of her. That way, it would be a person and their thoughts, not just a set of thoughts detached from any physical events. Then you could intersperse Leah’s musings with little snippets of what she does – sighs at a sad thought, tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear when the breeze catches it, picks up rose petals and lets them fall through her fingers, whatever. The abbey and the castle are important to her – can she see them from the garden? Might she glance up and let her gaze linger on the ruins on the hillside above her? You get the idea.

Alternatively, now that I’ve read chapter 2 I think you could probably start with the dream and work Leah’s thoughts from chapter 1 into the subsequent scene (when she’s having breakfast, deciding to go up to the castle, thinking about school, etc). All her concerns are the same, so if you wanted to move away from the reflective start and have a more dramatic one then I think it would work to integrate the two.

I really wanted some of the details of Leah and Ben’s conversation in chapter 2. It feels as though this is the important event of the chapter – based on the pitch, Ben is clearly a significant character – and yet I don’t really know anything about him by the end of chapter 2. I also don’t know how Leah feels about him at this stage. I mean, she’s a teenage girl, so when she first sees him she’s bound to have some internal reaction – whether it’s that he’s good looking, or has interesting-coloured eyes, or a nice smile, or whatever – but all I get from her is that he’s about her age. And without being given any details of the conversation that follows, I don’t know how to feel about Ben as a character. He’s just an anonymous boy with a rather nice car ;-)

Chapter 3 gave me a little more insight into Ben’s character and how Leah feels about him. But now it does seem a little as though we’ve fallen into a sequence of coffee-shop meetings. And also, since Leah isn’t really that interested in Ben at this stage, it does make me wonder why I’m reading about their meetings. I mean, I know why from the perspective of the plot, but that doesn’t mean that the events are gripping me as a reader. If Leah liked or hated Ben then there would be something to hook onto, but there’s not much to be gained emotionally speaking from reading about someone’s indifference to someone else. Since this chapter is short, and since you don’t actually give the content of Leah and Ben’s conversation in the coffee shop in Chapter 2, could the two be combined so that the music conversation and subsequent practice happens on their first meeting? Just so it feels as though things are rolling along a little faster.

Chapter 4 had a lot more action and I felt like I was getting to know the characters better. I still think there is maybe some intensity of emotion missing that stops the read from really gripping me – Leah’s primary emotion, or at least the one that’s most clearly described, seems to be annoyance – but maybe that’s just me. I have to say though (and please don’t hate me), the whole restaurant scene did remind me a little bit of Twilight. Boy with old-fashioned manners who takes control, waitress flirting but being rebuffed, car that’s way too nice for someone of his age ;-) And Leah’s situation – thinking of herself as nondescript, having no real experience with boyfriends, living alone with her father, being hopeless at sports – has resonances as well. I don’t necessarily think that’s a problem. I just think it’s something you need to watch and to put a new spin on when possible. It’s always tricky getting the balance between familiar and unique, and I think readers want a little of both.

That’s it for now. I’ve focused on the broader picture rather than the details here, as I think that’s what people find more useful. But you might want to watch your punctuation around dialogue, as I noticed you’re putting the final punctuation mark outside the quote marks (which isn’t how it’s done in fiction), and there are some missing/misplaced commas. All easy enough to fix.

Let me know if this is helpful. I’m always happy to discuss things. And return crits are always welcome :-)

Hi Rose

I found your book through the Alliance, and was interested primarily for two reasons; one, you use first person narration, & secondly, you use dreams as part of the plot line. Snap! I do the same in my own book, The King's Blessing!

I've read the first two chapters & found your story interesting, intriguing and captivating. However, like a lot of first person narrations you seem to find it difficult to include immediacy in the story, it's all in the past tense except for the conversations. I think people may identify with your character better, if they felt her reaction to things as they happen.

I also felt that the dream sequences were very hard to follow, as there was nothing to differentiate them from the rest of the narration.

One other difficulty I had was a sense of place, for the first few paragraphs I was sure it was set in the UK with the mention of the ruins of a castle & Abbey, but then discovered it was the US, very confusing. Do they have real castle or Abbey ruins in the US? So far as I know all real castles & Abbeys are from the middle ages (1100 - 1400AD) or even earlier, 17th century just doesn't work!

Well I hope that is helpful & I would love it if you could do the same for my book, & please be brutally honest with any comments it's the only way I'll learn!

Pam Balsdon

Hi Pam, and thanks for the comments.

I'm intrigued you say that you "discovered" it was based in the US - when in fact it is indeed based here in England, in a small Warwickshire town. If you read some of the other comments you will find that I originally included the (real) place name, but some readers found that difficult to identify with, even though it is factual. The current version, the one you have read, has had the name removed, although when I next upload chapters I am going to return that to its original form....

There is an acknowledge discrepancy in terminology, as I started to edit the text using terms that more young adults would be familiar with - the US term - but that is only partial, and on the advice from some of the excellent crits received, I've stopped doing that - that will only now be done based upon advice received should the book ever get to be published.

The dream sequences are actually written in italic text - I have to admit I've not "viewed" the book online, so perhaps that doesn't translate very well into authonomy.

I really appreciate the comments though - good luck with your own book.

Rose

Hi Rose

I found your book through the Alliance, and was interested primarily for two reasons; one, you use first person narration, & secondly, you use dreams as part of the plot line. Snap! I do the same in my own book, The King's Blessing!

I've read the first two chapters & found your story interesting, intriguing and captivating. However, like a lot of first person narrations you seem to find it difficult to include immediacy in the story, it's all in the past tense except for the conversations. I think people may identify with your character better, if they felt her reaction to things as they happen.

I also felt that the dream sequences were very hard to follow, as there was nothing to differentiate them from the rest of the narration.

One other difficulty I had was a sense of place, for the first few paragraphs I was sure it was set in the UK with the mention of the ruins of a castle & Abbey, but then discovered it was the US, very confusing. Do they have real castle or Abbey ruins in the US? So far as I know all real castles & Abbeys are from the middle ages (1100 - 1400AD) or even earlier, 17th century just doesn't work!

Well I hope that is helpful & I would love it if you could do the same for my book, & please be brutally honest with any comments it's the only way I'll learn!

Pam Balsdon

Hi Rose. Just read first three chapters.
Love the pacing of the writing and the sentence structure. Just a personal thing with me, this, but I like fast-paced writing that keeps the action moving.
I'm actually left wanting to know a bit more about the main character and her father, plus the background with her mother's death and if it links in with the dreams and yellow eyes, but I guess that will come with further reading.
The only thing I would do is perhaps break up some of the paragraphs. There's one about halfway through chapter one which looks quite daunting at first and could be broken up a couple of times.
My only other observation is that there are two or three typos in chapter three (lightening - lightning, wonder should be wander, practise - practice).
But I'm left wanting to know more, which is the whole idea of any book. Great stuff and shall be reading more.
Hope that's some help, anyway. Good luck.
If you fancy taking a peek at my efforts, they're on:
http://www.authonomy.com/books/33422/icarus-athletic/

Icarus is already on my watchlist.

Thanks for the comments - massive embarassment at missing the typo's though. Tried to keep the pace up, and that's actualy why I've only posted the first 6 here, as the next few seem to lack the same pace - I may post them up anyway to get a view on where I've slipped.

THanks again - will comment on Icarus as soon as I can get to it.

Rose

Hi Rose. Just read first three chapters.
Love the pacing of the writing and the sentence structure. Just a personal thing with me, this, but I like fast-paced writing that keeps the action moving.
I'm actually left wanting to know a bit more about the main character and her father, plus the background with her mother's death and if it links in with the dreams and yellow eyes, but I guess that will come with further reading.
The only thing I would do is perhaps break up some of the paragraphs. There's one about halfway through chapter one which looks quite daunting at first and could be broken up a couple of times.
My only other observation is that there are two or three typos in chapter three (lightening - lightning, wonder should be wander, practise - practice).
But I'm left wanting to know more, which is the whole idea of any book. Great stuff and shall be reading more.
Hope that's some help, anyway. Good luck.
If you fancy taking a peek at my efforts, they're on:
http://www.authonomy.com/books/33422/icarus-athletic/

Icarus is already on my watchlist.

Thanks for the comments - massive embarassment at missing the typo's though. Tried to keep the pace up, and that's actualy why I've only posted the first 6 here, as the next few seem to lack the same pace - I may post them up anyway to get a view on where I've slipped.

THanks again - will comment on Icarus as soon as I can get to it.

Rose

Hi Rose. Just read first three chapters.
Love the pacing of the writing and the sentence structure. Just a personal thing with me, this, but I like fast-paced writing that keeps the action moving.
I'm actually left wanting to know a bit more about the main character and her father, plus the background with her mother's death and if it links in with the dreams and yellow eyes, but I guess that will come with further reading.
The only thing I would do is perhaps break up some of the paragraphs. There's one about halfway through chapter one which looks quite daunting at first and could be broken up a couple of times.
My only other observation is that there are two or three typos in chapter three (lightening - lightning, wonder should be wander, practise - practice).
But I'm left wanting to know more, which is the whole idea of any book. Great stuff and shall be reading more.
Hope that's some help, anyway. Good luck.
If you fancy taking a peek at my efforts, they're on:
http://www.authonomy.com/books/33422/icarus-athletic/