Kate

Hey Mark, I was just glancing through your book again, and noticed that you've got tense changes. Some of the book is in past tense and some is in present. You'll definitely need to get that consistent. Hope you're progressing on the manuscript! :-)

Naomi,

Thanks for the imagery. I get it for the ICU. It does read better. Give me a week to work on this and then check on it.

Mark

Hey Mark,

I read through your comments. Feel like you’re getting kicked around a little? The reason we recognize certain habits so quickly is because we’ve all gotten busted for them. Feel free to disregard, but if it’s okay, I’d like to show you some tricks.

Adverbs have become a bad word in contemporary fiction. You’re pretty heavy on adverb use, which editors regard as telling instead of showing. Try to show the “how” with colorful, high-impact verbs, expressive dialogue, and revealing actions and reactions. For example, in Chapter 1 you’ve got, “Elizabeth interjected playfully.” This is telling – you’re informing the reader that she said it this way. You can engage the reader by showing us instead, with dialogue, action or internal dialogue. Elizabeth’s dialogue already indicates playfulness. You could use actions to show us as well. She could stick out her tongue, dance in place, or giggle. If you want to use internal dialogue, you might have Kate think something like, Here she goes again. What would it take for her to be serious for five seconds?

I see that you’re using several different points of view throughout your story. For example, in chapter 5, we’re in Kate’s POV – “she was surprised that she had remembered …” -- Leslie’s POV – “(Leslie) decided to keep the girls home from school“ – and Elizabeth’s POV – “She really loved her sister, but this was the only way she felt . . .” There have been many successful books over the years that have done this, but it’s currently frowned on. It tends to hold the reader at arm’s length from the story, preventing him or her from engaging with the emotion and the experience. Try to determine who in the story has the absolute most to lose in the story without getting killed or incapacitated, and stick with that viewpoint as much as possible. Keep the number of other viewpoints to a minimum, and each scene should “belong” to a single character – the reader will experience everything through that character.

Also, you’re using a fairly distant point of view. I think of it as a camera lens, zooming in and out, and unlike changing points of view, you can use different distances in the same scene. You can start out describing a town, then a house in the town, then a room in the house. In the closest point of view, you put the reader entirely into the viewpoint character’s head, experiencing the action beat by beat and understanding everything through the character’s filters, perceptions and understanding. The advantage of having such a close point of view is that it engages the reader’s interest and emotion. The disadvantage is that the reader can only see & experience what the character sees and experiences. Let’s look at chapter 10, the para beginning, “Michael propelled himself…” Allow us to experience this moment through Michael, through his filters of understanding and perception. In the important moments, take us through it beat by beat. Use the 5 sentences. What does he see, feel, hear, taste, and smell? The echoing hall way when Leslie shoots ahead. The dark smudge on the vinyl floor – blood? Mud? The smell of alcohol, floor cleaner, and someone’s lunch – beef from a microwave dinner. Where was Leslie? Where was the ICU? He saw it then – the embossed blue sign with an arrow and the letters ICU. He forced himself into a trot, stretching muscles that ached from the long wait. Kate. He had to get to Kate. If he saw her, he could will her back to consciousness. He saw Leslie standing at the closed door of the unit. Her face was wan, her shoulders slumped. She’d lost hope. She didn’t believe. But he believed. He believed enough for the both of them.

Although I haven’t dealt with Cystic Fibrosis directly, I am a caretaker of a chronically ill person, and I honor your desire to educate others. Understandably, you may feel protective of your story. But to achieve your goal, your story has to be publishable. As the author, you’ll have to decide which advice to take, but I encourage you to at least try some of the suggestions you’re getting, especially if you’re getting them from more than one person. Often I’ve felt resistant to advice (like narrowing my viewpoint – I HATED that advice the first time I got it) but after I tried it I saw how it improved my story. This story is well worth the telling, and it deserves the work it will take to edit into sharp, engaging writing. Best of luck with this.

Douglas,

Please read now in its entirety. I believe that it has a niche that I had never thought of.

Mark

PS. I will be reading your book today, and commenting on it tonight.

Douglas,

It is still a work in progress. I am writing this not to make a large contribution to literature but to help raise awareness of CF. The problem with this disease is that it cannot be told by one point of view. I know that this is different, but until I iron out everything it will change. I am doing this for me, and my daughter with CF. A lot of this is fact. The only fiction is where Kate visits. I hope you give it another shot when it is finished.

Mark

I read the first four chapters thru, then skimmed the rest.

Like Old Bob said in his comment below, I too am not a writing pro -- just an aspiring author. My comments aren't meant to hurt, but help. Anytime we aren't honest with someone, we are only hurting, not helping.
The premise of the story is great. Kate with CF, Elizabeth with autism, and the parents struggling with themselves and with each other, all for a number of believable reasons. You have a great wealth of conflict to draw from here, and therefore a great resolution to come to in the end. Fantastic. Obviously, CF is important to you, and I think that your book works well as an awareness tool. I knew nothing before hand (I had merely heard the term), and am I glad I read your work for that reason. Truly.

With that said, I must admit that your fiction writing itself seems to be in need of some major help. As others have pointed out below, your dialogue suffers from being artificial and stilted. Without good dialogue, you're book will SINK. (Good news: you aren't afraid to use dialogue! You use plenty of it; some people can't get away from prose).

Another major problem: your POV. When I first started reading, I thought this was going to be a children's book from Kate's point of view. As I read, the POV drifted to the parents and back to Kate and back to the parents. The words grew longer and the prose grew deeper in meaning, and I felt that this was in fact a story for adults. Your book is written from an omniscient POV (I forget the official term). This is NOT acceptable, I think, in modern fiction. We want to be inside one person's head at a time, seeing the world from their view only. This is great for your story, actually. Seeing one scene from Leslie's POV would allow us to understand her strengths and weaknesses. Then, alternately, from Michael's POV, we would see and understand HIS side of the situation. The reader would then be caught between the two of them, wishing and hoping that the two would come to the understanding of each other that is so apparent to us, the readers (or not so apparent to us -- depends on what you want). Likewise, a scene from Kate's POV would play its own role (like in her dream world). And, who knows, maybe even scene from Elizabeth's POV?

My advice? Get away from this book for a while. It is, I think, a work that is very important to you. Let me tell you a short story: When I started writing, it was on a Sci-Fi book that I was most passionate about. Unfortunately, I did not know how to write. I worked hard for four years on this book, just to end with a text that had been re-written so many times that it was no longer a cohesive whole! No matter how hard I tried, that book was dead. Today, it sits buried away in my digital files. It will always sit there. But it wasn't a waste. Writing that "book" taught me how to write -- or so I like to think :) And that is important! Still, I wish that I had set it aside in the beginning, read some great articles on how to write fiction, and practiced on some short stories or on a novel that I was less passionate about. Then returned to the Sci-Fi book I dreamed of writing.

I think that this is a common problem: People get passionate about writing something, they start writing it, but they don’t know how to and they are dissatisfied because it doesn’t turn out like they had imagined. Don’t let this happen to your work. You have a great premise! You are passionate about it! Subscribe to a novel writing magazine or buy some books on novel writing (if you haven’t), and practice on some short stories. When you get the hang of the tricks of the trade, come back to “Kate.” I think that you will be SHOCKED at the difference it will make.

I hope that this helps, and I hope that you aren’t offended. Once again, this is only my opinion as a fellow aspiring author.

Best of luck!

Douglas Le Blanc
A Sojourn of Sorts

Hi Mark,

I read the first four chapters thru, then skimmed the rest.

Like Old Bob said in his comment below, I too am not a writing pro -- just an aspiring author. My comments aren't meant to hurt, but help. Anytime we aren't honest with someone, we are only hurting, not helping.
The premise of the story is great. Kate with CF, Elizabeth with autism, and the parents struggling with themselves and with each other, all for a number of believable reasons. You have a great wealth of conflict to draw from here, and therefore a great resolution to come to in the end. Fantastic. Obviously, CF is important to you, and I think that your book works well as an awareness tool. I knew nothing before hand (I had merely heard the term), and am I glad I read your work for that reason. Truly.

With that said, I must admit that your fiction writing itself seems to be in need of some major help. As others have pointed out below, your dialogue suffers from being artificial and stilted. Without good dialogue, you're book will SINK. (Good news: you aren't afraid to use dialogue! You use plenty of it; some people can't get away from prose).

Another major problem: your POV. When I first started reading, I thought this was going to be a children's book from Kate's point of view. As I read, the POV drifted to the parents and back to Kate and back to the parents. The words grew longer and the prose grew deeper in meaning, and I felt that this was in fact a story for adults. Your book is written from an omniscient POV (I forget the official term). This is NOT acceptable, I think, in modern fiction. We want to be inside one person's head at a time, seeing the world from their view only. This is great for your story, actually. Seeing one scene from Leslie's POV would allow us to understand her strengths and weaknesses. Then, alternately, from Michael's POV, we would see and understand HIS side of the situation. The reader would then be caught between the two of them, wishing and hoping that the two would come to the understanding of each other that is so apparent to us, the readers (or not so apparent to us -- depends on what you want). Likewise, a scene from Kate's POV would play its own role (like in her dream world). And, who knows, maybe even scene from Elizabeth's POV?

My advice? Get away from this book for a while. It is, I think, a work that is very important to you. Let me tell you a short story: When I started writing, it was on a Sci-Fi book that I was most passionate about. Unfortunately, I did not know how to write. I worked hard for four years on this book, just to end with a text that had been re-written so many times that it was no longer a cohesive whole! No matter how hard I tried, that book was dead. Today, it sits buried away in my digital files. It will always sit there. But it wasn't a waste. Writing that "book" taught me how to write -- or so I like to think :) And that is important! Still, I wish that I had set it aside in the beginning, read some great articles on how to write fiction, and practiced on some short stories or on a novel that I was less passionate about. Then returned to the Sci-Fi book I dreamed of writing.

I think that this is a common problem: People get passionate about writing something, they start writing it, but they don’t know how to and they are dissatisfied because it doesn’t turn out like they had imagined. Don’t let this happen to your work. You have a great premise! You are passionate about it! Subscribe to a novel writing magazine or buy some books on novel writing (if you haven’t), and practice on some short stories. When you get the hang of the tricks of the trade, come back to “Kate.” I think that you will be SHOCKED at the difference it will make.

I hope that this helps, and I hope that you aren’t offended. Once again, this is only my opinion as a fellow aspiring author.

Best of luck!

Douglas Le Blanc
A Sojourn of Sorts

Bob, could you please review chapters 1-5 and tell me if I am on the right track.

Mark

Okay Mark, I'm not a trained writer so you don't have to consider anything I say seriously. I'm just speaking from the standpoint of a reader. My job here is not to make you feel good, but to point out things that I believe will make your story better and the way it's told better. And, it's not to hurt your feelings...

I read one chapter. Most of that chapter is in dialogue, which is good. Dialogue is all active voice and is the best way to move your story forward. It also leaves less opportunity for narrative and to fall into passive voice. Your attention to this concept is fantastic.

Your dialogue, however, is very plastic and does not ring true for several reasons.

It is not necessary to start every sentence with the name of the person to whom it is directed. It only takes a few lines to get tired of hearing Mommy, Daddy, Kate, Elizabeth, Leslie, Michael. Sometimes you have to trust the reader to be intuitive enough to know who's who when someone is talking. Don't these parents have any pet names for their children? Everything is so formal it's not natural.

Speaking of formal, you didn't use a single contraction anywhere in the chapter. This does not make your writing "literature". It makes it dull and uninteresting. It's also not the way people speak. Even formal people.
The world you're creating is cold and, frankly, boring. You've got to spice it up a little.

Get rid of all those "ly" adverbs. You've just got to find some other way to convey feelings and emotions. You have to write the feeling, not describe it. Have you heard writers on this site say "show, don't tell"? This is what they're talking about.

I'm sure there's a story here, but you take the reader so far outside what's going on he finds himself trying to look in a window somewhere to see real life.

Please, just think about what I've said; then, look at some other fantasy or children's stories and consider how the dialogue is constructed. I'd be happy to discuss your observations further when you're ready.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Bob,

I took your suggestions. Please review Chapters 1 and 2. I believe that they flow a little better now. Thanks for your candor.

Mark

PS. I will be working through the rest of the book this week.

Okay Mark, I'm not a trained writer so you don't have to consider anything I say seriously. I'm just speaking from the standpoint of a reader. My job here is not to make you feel good, but to point out things that I believe will make your story better and the way it's told better. And, it's not to hurt your feelings...

I read one chapter. Most of that chapter is in dialogue, which is good. Dialogue is all active voice and is the best way to move your story forward. It also leaves less opportunity for narrative and to fall into passive voice. Your attention to this concept is fantastic.

Your dialogue, however, is very plastic and does not ring true for several reasons.

It is not necessary to start every sentence with the name of the person to whom it is directed. It only takes a few lines to get tired of hearing Mommy, Daddy, Kate, Elizabeth, Leslie, Michael. Sometimes you have to trust the reader to be intuitive enough to know who's who when someone is talking. Don't these parents have any pet names for their children? Everything is so formal it's not natural.

Speaking of formal, you didn't use a single contraction anywhere in the chapter. This does not make your writing "literature". It makes it dull and uninteresting. It's also not the way people speak. Even formal people.
The world you're creating is cold and, frankly, boring. You've got to spice it up a little.

Get rid of all those "ly" adverbs. You've just got to find some other way to convey feelings and emotions. You have to write the feeling, not describe it. Have you heard writers on this site say "show, don't tell"? This is what they're talking about.

I'm sure there's a story here, but you take the reader so far outside what's going on he finds himself trying to look in a window somewhere to see real life.

Please, just think about what I've said; then, look at some other fantasy or children's stories and consider how the dialogue is constructed. I'd be happy to discuss your observations further when you're ready.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

I came back again as I said I would.

I find the conversation rather stilted, and there area far too many, xperson stated, (way to many 'stated's') said lovingly, responded innoccently etc. Far too many. You need to show the reader these emotions, not tell them. You can get a way with an odd one of these now and again, (the innocently, loveingly), but even then I'd not use them at all.

The dialogue does not flow naturaly. Think about when you talk, or especially how kids talk. Does a child say, 'I do not want to hurt', or 'I don't want to hurt?' Which sounds more natural? Your dialogue contains this type of stilted speech throughout. As you have a chapter almost full of dialogue, this really stands out as being unatural. You might have one person talk that way for effect, or to show the type of character he is, but all of your characters sound the same.

Don't tell the reader side notes in brackets. (Kate's parents) (Michael yelled). This is not something you see EVER writen in fiction in this way.

Sorry if I sound harsh, I really am just trying to help.

Lorrii

I incorporated all changes that you suggested and like the results. This is my first attempt other than academic writing which is completely different. I completely revamped the first chapter and will finish the rest by tomorrow. As soon as I am done I will read you new book and comment. Thanks again.

Mark

I was going to comment on this, but I see Al has already covered a lot of the points that bothered me as a reader.

I found I couldn't really read the story because of how jarring the tense changes were. I also felt there was way too much dialogue for a first chapter.

I do hope you can iron out these issues and wish you well. If you re-write, please let me know and I'll come back and take a second look.

Cheers

Lorrii

I read half of your first chapter. I stopped because I had reached my self-imposed limit of ten comments.

General comments: An engaging start. What a lovely family. Rich in dialogue. Light on inner thought and description. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first half of chapter one:
1) "Mom, dad ... we are going to be late." In this context, 'dad' is a proper noun and should be capitalized.
2) "Hurry up", Kate said. Put the comma inside the closing quote mark. Dialogue punctuation always goes inside the closing quote mark. There are more cases where dialogue punctuation is outside the quote mark and should be moved inside.
3) Elizabeth states playfully, "Hush Kate .... caca ..." 'States' should be 'stated' to keep the writing in the past tense. There are more cases where present tense writing should be changed to past tense. Also, comma after 'Hush.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where you need to offset names of people addressed in dialogue.
4) "Elizabeth, I am going to tell mommy and daddy about ..." In this context, 'mommy' and 'daddy' are proper nouns and should be capitalized. There are more cases of this type of problem.
5) "You know that Tampa does not cool down until Halloween." Leslie replies. Comma after 'Halloween.' 'Leslie replies' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it is a question or exclamation). There are more cases of this type of problem
6) " ... please hop in or we will be late!", Michael retorts. Remove the comma. The exclamation mark is sufficient punctuation for the dialogue sentence. By now you should know that 'retorts' should be 'retorted,' so I won't be pointing out these instances of present tense any more.
7) "I dunno, states Kate rather blankly. Put a closing quote mark after the comma.
8) "Nobody loves me.", states Kate. Remove the period and put the comma inside the closing quote mark.
9) "That will be $17.84" the cashier asks with his hand outstretched. Comma after '$17.84.'
10) ' ... the car continues to Kate's School.' In this context, 'School' is a common noun and should be lowercase.

I hope this critique will help you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a sensational day.

Al

I have just read the first chapter of Kate and my heart goes out to this couple and their brave children already. I like a majority of people know very little of Cystic Fibrosis or Autism and a book like this can only raise awareness of such conditions and the every day struggles of those living with them. A very brave and honest story, well done and good luck with it.
Lindsey
Vortex