A War Within

Dear Nathan,
This is my second visit to an amazing piece of literature. I picked up in chapter 4 and had the pleasure of meeting sweet Sabina. I love her line: "To cry is to heal." As Antonius is faced with unimaginable circumstances, his faith is challenged by the aged-old question: "How could God let this happen?" The persecution of early Christians is often far from our present day minds (at least in some parts of the modern world), but your use of language and perfectly presented historical material makes it relevant even now. Today I am adding a final star to my initial rating... making this a 6 star piece! A War Within will absolutely have another spin on my shelf... hopefully near the end of this month.
All the very best to you,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

This is one of the best books I have read on site, Nathan. Full of excitement and action. An epic story of a glorious age (if one is a Roman nobleman) where just to survive is a new battle every day. Good, strong characters, and a well-researched story-line. I could feel the heat and smell the fearr in the streets. Great stuff!! Backed with stars and on w/l.

Kate Grimes -LIZZZIE -CUPPA TALES -TALES OF WILLOW GREEN - ANNIE

I just started your book and wanted to drop a quick line to encourage you. I love it already. A friend of mine and I have recently finished the Mark of the Lion trilogy by Francine Rivers, and have longed for more like them. There is nothing like being submerged into the Roman culture during this time in history to humble us Americans to the martyrs of the Christian faith, who actually had to endure these terrible trials. I'm looking forward to the rest of your book, I have a feeling it's going to be quite popular...Fast. :)

A War Within: Antonius Maximus is about to be killed by his best friend in the Coliseum. This is a sharp beginning to a great book and ties in nicely with chapter 38. An intriguing beginning that transports the reader to chapter 2 which I am assuming is where it all began. The Roman period is a great draw to many readers of all ages so it will be a hit no matter what. I like the descriptions of the area, I can smell and see the surroundings and the dialogue is outstanding. I enjoyed the historical note at the end. It shows the research done for this book was in-depth and accurate. Very well done and highly starred. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

I would normally steer clear of books that involved religion but, being a fan of HF, decided to give this a go and was not disappointed. From what I have read so far you seemed to have hit the right balance. It is an enjoyable read and if you continue, as most books require, with the editing to tighten it up I think this should climb the rantings.

This is a gripping story and powerfully written. I gave it to my 16-year old son to read as he enjoys historical fiction, and he gave it a ringing teenage endorsement.

Another book I would WANT on my bookshelf at home someday.
:-)

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Hi Nathan, I have only read two chapters, but already it is clear that you have done an admirable job. I like the easy flow in the way you write, nothing wasted, clipped and concise, yet every sentence pregnant with meaning. the first chapter was exciting, easily engaging the reader. The second chapter obviously sets the scene for the remainder of the book. Congratulations. I will give it six star rating.
If you could take a look at my book, THE GOD PLEASERS 40 day Study Guide, I would really appreciate your comments.

Hi Nathan,

Great story. Glad it has a happy ending! You have obviously done your research on the times and this especially shows in the detailed battle scenes - however I think you might need to be careful to continue the story here and not make the reader feel that they have begun a history book about the various movements of different armies in battle - perhaps a bit more from the character's point of view of the action? (not very important, so dont worry it that doesn't make sense). Also, Antonius calls Titus "father" in the first half of the book, then changes to calling him "dad" later on - not sure if this is deliberate to mark the changes in their relationship or not, but I would recommend sticking with "father" as it doesn't sound as modern. Very exciting read - as some others have commented you pace the chapters nicely to make the reader want to continue. Had to skip some of the more gruesome bits but I can see they fit with the story. The transition in Antonius is well covered - his blase security to fear/doubt/hate/rejection through to repentence/forgiveness/faith and willingness to put Jesus first. Well done.
Sophy.

Read this awhile back. Really liked it so i put it on my shelf. That's what counts, right? I didn't see any grammar problems or anything like that. Of course I wasn't looking for them either. Not my circus. I liked your book. I read books when I can. Yours is epic and I hope you get it published soon.

hello Nathan-
book-A War Within-

Agree- and amazing cover indeed- this guy Bradley is something else- brilliant-
sets up the book to perfection -

Having read six chapters and three more further down- In my opinion- this is one great literary read- laced
with very well researched historical saga in A d 196-
A period piece, I could see it hopefully on the big screen sometime in the future-

I give it my six stars with no hesitation-
good luck,Nathan
although a different genre, Dublin in the 40s- obliged if you might glance- thanks

Dear Mr. Maki,

Have read further in your book, and it is still very good, but two of your scenes -- -- the one with Scipio's presentational wooden gladius and Theudas' father's fight with Commodus after being tortured will be too familiar to those who watched the movie "Gladiator".

Chapter 11, pg 5:

"took my father and I into" -- -- should be "me". Added to my bookshelve.

Egon Richard Tausch
A Voice In Rama: A Novel of the Slaughter of the Innocents

One more thing from my last note: Your book seems to be from a Protestant point of view, while mine is carefully non-sectarian, I hope. But, because mine is placed in Judea and at an earlier time in history, I think you'll enjoy it anyway; at least if you read it to the end.

Egon Richard Tausch
A Voice In Rama: A Novel of the Slaughter of the Innocents

Five stars, so far. Top notch so far as I've gone.

Chapter 3
"...he heard the tramp of hobnail sandals, many feet marching as one."
I have always read that Romans marched in route-step, not in cadence. Which is it?

"RUTHLESSLY they laid about them with spears and the flats of their swords, BRUTALLY forcing their own escape..." Redundancy.

Next two paragraphs, too many exclamation marks.

Fourth paragraph from the end of the chapter: "...with his razor-sharp gladius. With each blow, splinters flew from his staff..." Whose staff?

Nonetheless, very exciting. Please read my book and give me your opinion and critique.

Egon Richard Tausch
A Voice In Rama: A Novel of the Slaughter of the Innocents

A great opening to your book with excellent descriptions and plenty of action. Can't fault it so far. Will be reading more and on my watchlist for now.
Rich Allen
'Suicide Vacation'

Pastor Nathan,
This is a beautiful book. I've just started reading it but I can tell it is a winner. The book is very well written and holds your attention from Page 1. I'm looking forward to completing the book but wanted to let you know how much I'm enjoying it.

Blessings,
Elsie - And God Sent the Dragonflies

Whoa!
This is written excellently!
The way you start it off is so very drawing to the reader. It is exciting right off.
You really stick well to the time period.
I love the way you make the reader become the characters. It keeps the reader going on through the chapters. I enjoyed it very much.
You have a great talent here.
Also the title is just right.
Bravo!!!

*Reader*

Dear Nathan,

I really enjoy this book. It is well researched, beautifully written, and with appealing characters. It also in my opinion has distinct cross-over appeal (both young adult and adult readers). I also appreciate the careful, but not excessively scholarly commentary about the historical context for your story at the end. Incidentally, have you ever read "Quo Vadis" (Sinkiwicz) -- now, come to think of it, I am not sure it was ever translated. It has some elements of your writing, though yours has a more modern edge, more believable. Good luck! Malve

Hi Nathan,

I have just your prologue and first chapter and really like this so far - especially your action packed prologue, which really captured my attention and made me want to read further! I look forward to reading more, best of luck with it.

Oktober

Hello Nathan,
I finished your book. Wow. Amazing story told with so much detail description of the action. Those that only read the first chapters and have not finished the book have no idea the best is yet to come with historical and factual battle scenes that keep you anxious to move to the next chapter to know the out come. The research you did is remarkable, I feel like I have been well schooled in how the Roman Empire's army machine operated and fought in the second century. I referred this book to my husband and son because I know they will enjoy the action (my husband always has the military channel on). But it attracted me as a female reader because of the beautiful story of his relationships with family, best friends and lover woven through the life and death suspence. And as a Christian to read about the actual details of what kind of persecution the early Christians suffered during this time really held my interest. I don't think I remember hitting a slow spot through the whole book, I was into it unto the end. Capping it with the true historical details of the time in the last chapter was a fitting end for those who love history as I do.
A few minor typos and missing punctuation:

Ch. 23: Did he still love his father? (h)e wondered ...
...even though he told himself no(,) the... - in need of a comma
Ch. 27: and as he cantered alongside the Emperor(,) Antonius... - in need of comma
Ch. 28: "I wagered every bit I had I did" - take "I did" out or use a comma.
Ch. 31: "At the same time, ever(y) man in the opposing forces...." - missing the Y
Ch. 34: "(Are) you come home?" - would "have" fit better?
Ch. 35: "You're seeing danger in ever(y) shadow..." - missing the Y
Ch. 36: "And (his) blinked and shook his head to clear his...." - should be "he"?
I hope that was helpful.
I look forward to this book going to the editor's desk. Congratulations on a well written book!
Blessings,
Lynn

The other cover I liked a lot better.
:)

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Nice new cover picture, Nathan! I am on your last chapter. I got interrupted a bit from when I first started, but once I got back to your book I stayed with it and will be done with it tonight after work.. I have some comment (good)and a few typos to point out (easy fixes) This is a fantastic read and I know you will go straight to the editor's desk, I have no doubt this will be published.
Until then,
Lynn

Dear Nathan

I have read the first four chapters of your gripping story, "A War Within". I am impressed with the way you pace each chapter so that I want to read the next. You tell a wonderful story, full of drama, atmosphere, and capturing the bloodthirsty ethos of imperial Rome. Your tale feels well researched, believable. It is easy to read a book such as this, where the words flow confidently. I am impressed.

I am not sure why you place your story in the YA category. I think it holds appeal for all adults.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

Nathan,

This is a beautifully written book. Great character development and action-packed from the very beginning. I like the way you paint a picture of the setting with descriptive language. It made me feel as if I was right there, experiencing everything as well.

Six stars and backed.

Julie Van Meter

Hi Nathan,
Sorry it has taken so long to get to your book, and even now, I only have time to read the prologue. But so far, it's fantastic. The fight scene was very well told, as I could see everything play out in my head. I will try to get back to it as soon as I can, but in the meantime, I will back it and star it well.

Dyane
The Purple Morrow
The Eagle's Gift

Hi Nathan
I have no particular skills as a reviewer and critic, so what follows is the impression left on a reader interested in historical fiction - particularly as it relates to Christianity and the ancient world.
I read the Prologue and first four chapters. I would have read more in one go if I could spare the time.
You write very well. The characterisations are good and the dialogue is natural. It is obviously well researched, and ancient Rome seems real in your story.
In Chapter 2 you say "wore out" - shouldn't that be "worn out"? You also use the word "roiled", which I've not come across before and haven't been able to find in my dictionary.
In Chapter 3 you mention "offal" (animal innards) - do you not mean "rubbish", "garbage", "debris" or "detritus"? You also over-use the rather commonplace term "raging inferno" in a fairly short space of time. I wonder also whether "served as good as" should not be "served as well as" - I found it a clumsy sentence in any case.
In Chapter 4 the word "unbidden" is used three times in short order. An apostrophe is inappropriately used with "key's". And I think that Sabina would not say "Christians were the easiest targets" - present tense, don't you think?
A good beginning to a promising story. It sets up a look at the interesting question of a Christian response to violence and offence. Good scope generally for Christian teaching. Well done!
Hoping the book continues to do well,
Fr. Ambrose

Wow. Your story is amazing. Your writing is amazing. You are definitely a gifted and talented writer and this book needs a publisher. Of course I have not read through the entire manuscript but I didn't need to in order to give it the highest rating and a place on my shelf as soon as I make changes. Great, great job.
One thing, right up front, you mention rain and thunder--should the word be lightning? Right now it reads Lighting.
God bless you,
Lacy

Dear Nathan,
This is my second visit to an amazing piece of literature. I picked up in chapter 4 and had the pleasure of meeting sweet Sabina. I love her line: "To cry is to heal." As Antonius is faced with unimaginable circumstances, his faith is challenged by the aged-old question: "How could God let this happen?" The persecution of early Christians is often far from our present day minds (at least in some parts of the modern world), but your use of language and perfectly presented historical material makes it relevant even now. Today I am adding a final star to my initial rating... making this a 6 star piece! A War Within will absolutely have another spin on my shelf... hopefully near the end of this month.
All the very best to you,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

One of the greatest christian historical fiction I have ever read! Amazingly written and amazing message! You got a keeper, Nathan!
Tanya

Hi Nathan,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken so long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.
Not a bad short pitch, though you need a period after “faith.” Also, I’m not sure those emdashes do anything for you.
The first paragraph of the long pitch reads more like a synopsis to me. Also, you need an “a” after “A War Within is”
Otherwise, it’s a strong long pitch.
Prologue
Not sure you have to say that the sun is “overhead.” That’s kind of implied.
The first line and second lines are kind of redundant. Why not just say “Antonius Maximus could feel the heat of the sun through his sandals.” ? You’d get the point across and it would be less wordy.
Again, kind of redundant to say that the crowd was doing a bunch of stuff, then to say they were buzzing around. You could say the crowd was buzzing around like flies, gambling upon and discussing the blood sport to come.
“Lord keep them safe. He launched a prayer to heaven.” Again, redundant. You don’t need to say the MC prayed after he just did.
Great opening overall, though I think it needs smoothening out. Great, great sense of tension build up and terrific hook with his best friend being his foe.
Chapter 1
I read this more for readability rather than give it a line-by-line read. I just found it too enjoyable. Your writing is very polished and paints a vivid picture. Great hooks and I will gladly give it a spot on my shelf when space becomes available.
Thanks so much for sharing. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on mine when you get the chance.
Best of luck with this! I’ll six star it in the meantime til I get shelf space.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Nathan,
I just started reading your book and what can I say, it is amazing! I've always enjoyed historical fiction books, especially ones immersed in Roman culture. You've done a great job! I'm excited to read more. I'll definitely be putting you on my bookshelf.

God Bless!
Jenn

A really great read!
It is a perfect read to tell the story of the horrors of that time but also the wonder of it all.
It is inspiring to a Christian like myself to read.
The message is deep and compelling.
Amazing work here.
Good luck with it.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Most fascinating book!
The pitch is very drawing.
The cover is good.
It has much promise to it, for I have only read five chapters.
All of your historical points are correct and polish your story up. Some times it is like you put too much info about the time period, so the reader may have too much outside of the plot itself.
Otherwise, I find it a very good read.

Bria Heart <3

Nathan, I am a sucker for Roman stuff [writing a play for 10 year olds about a small town fuller and went to Pompeii to research] and you inhabit your world faultessly. Commodus may be well known to film lovers, but he is a real character and I think you have him to a T here - degenerate, effete, and a bully. I love Rosemary Sutcliffe and I love this. 6 stars and a spin on the shelf from me. Vale! Frances K

Nathan, I am a sucker for Roman stuff [writing a play for 10 year olds about a small town fuller and went to Pompeii to research] and you inhabit your world faultessly. Commodus may be well known to film lovers, but he is a real character and I think you have him to a T here - degenerate, effete, and a bully. I love Rosemary Sutcliffe and I love this. 6 stars and a spin on the shelf from me. Vale! Frances K

An excellent book - very nicely written and engaging. I liked the prologue and chapter one which set the scene powerfully. The approach, portraying life as a Christian in ancient rome works well and I could see my teenage son enjoying this. Have highly starred.

one little typo part way through chapter one: 'they began the assent...'

Terrific start. I do beleive you have hooked me.

I definitely score this story a full 6 stars.

Good work Nathan.

Hi Nathan'
I did read your first chapter. I thought it was very well written. The conversations are natural and I like the way that you work inthe Christian aspects of the family.
The first chapter is excellent i think.

A couple of comments though,
Paragraph starting with "With that thought, Antonius' sword arm dropped..." The next sentence has a word, "gladius", in it that I suggest needs explanation to the unknowledgeable. The "gladius" being a weapon.

Also, if Antonius' opponent is his best friend, I would think he'd have a name. Having a name I think makes the tragedy of their fighting more personal as well, increasing the stress the reader feels with the characters.

You picked a great emperor to write about. Less documented, he has lots of flexibility in the story.

I look forward to reading more. Thanks.

Hi Nathan'
I did read your first chapter. I thought it was very well written. The conversations are natural and I like the way that you work inthe Christian aspects of the family.
The first chapter is excellent i think.

A couple of comments though,
Paragraph starting with "With that thought, Antonius' sword arm dropped..." The next sentence has a word, "gladius", in it that I suggest needs explanation to the unknowledgeable. The "gladius" being a weapon.

Also, if Antonius' opponent is his best friend, I would think he'd have a name. Having a name I think makes the tragedy of their fighting more personal as well, increasing the stress the reader feels with the characters.

You picked a great emperor to write about. Less documented, he has lots of flexibility in the story.

I look forward to reading more. Thanks.

Dear Nathan,
I have just begun to read your book. I love history. From the very first moments it grabbed my attention. It takes a lot of work to put together all those historical events and weave them into one plot. I bet you have done a lot of studying for this book. The more it makes it attractive for the reader. I wish you all the best. Just keeo on writing encouraging Christian novels. God Bless!

Great Prologue. It’s tinged with excitement with the imagery of swords igniting sparks as they crash into each other. My first impression is that Antonius is the main character. Of course when I discovered he was killed in his battle with the gladiator in the Coliseum, I had so many questions that I had to continue reading to grasp who was who in this story. In other words, I was driven further into the book. That’s always a good thing.

The different types of conflict at the beginning are effective in drawing a person into the story. You have the conflict of the upcoming flight of Antonius presented against the backdrop of the Coliseum. This told me immediately that trouble was brewing so I kind of knew what to expect.

Then came the unexpected. The gladiator, who apparently was Christian, could not kill his friend who had saved his life before. So now, what else can you expect except for him to meet his death. Great job of blending two different types of conflict to create drama and tension in the reader.

Two phrases that I am not familiar with threw my reading off. They were…gladius slipping forward for the kill stroke and …he dug in his feet for purchase,…

Your Prologue needs dialogue. Even with the level of conflict and personal combat you have displayed, there has to be some balance between exposition and dialogue. You could have the victor offer mercy to his opponent. Something like:

“Antonius, let us not prolong what we both know will happen,” his opponent said. “Lower your shield and I will strike in such a way that will end your pain quickly.”

“And where is the sport in that,” Antonius replied. “What I had in mind was making you look good before sending you on your journey into the next life.”

Or something like that. This exchange could take place in two or three places before then end of the battle. It helps to draw the reader in even more.

Chapter One:
What did his father mean by “hungry”? should be “hungry?”

Emperor Commodus had fought in the Coliseum before, had killed a man even,…all right to mention this here, but only if you give some explanation of this passage after you have given it, or later in the story. This seems to be something unusual, a sort of extreme deviation. It caused me to stop and think. I wanted more, but it wasn’t there.

“Down Massito” should be “Down, Massito.” (Chicago Manual of Style)

This chapter, with its descriptions of social status (purple striped togas) and commercial and private development (homes with shops in front of them that house apartments) show the depth of your research that you blend rather well with your writing. This adds a sense of realism that forms a foundation for your setting.

Chapter two

Each chapter, so far, is successful in pulling the reader in deeper. The winded condition of seventeen-year-old Antonius compared to the fresh stamina of the Roman soldiers wearing weapons and armor after having run the message to the Praetorian gives a clue as to what kind of chance the Christians gathered at the secret meeting have. The drama has become riveting now as the question hangs in the air as to who gets to the meeting first, Antonius or the soldiers.

Very effective writing. The storyline is developing with very good clarity. There is a lot in tension developing between Chapter One and Two.

The cliffhanger element at the end of Chapter Two works well.

Chapter Three

This chapter has a racing pace, and so does my pulse as I read it. The imagery is as hot as the scene of the fire.

Again, the ending of the chapter is a good cliff-hanger. Well done.

Chapter Four

I like some of these descriptions is see like…felt as if it had been scoured with burning sand.

Chapter Five

The continuity of the storyline from Chapter Three through Chapter Five is effective. It appears natural. Up through Chapter Five all that occurs is expected. I am hoped to see some twist in the storyline before the end of Chapter Five. Something that throws the reader a curve, however, with the way the story has gone so far, I expect some twist in the next chapter or two.

All things considered a vey good story. Not very much to consider in the line of punctuation or grammar corrections, so it appears that some great line editing has been completed.

This will stay on my shelf until I come back to read more. Five Stars.

Nathan, I am at chapter 6 of your book and I want to say that I think you have done such a wonderful job with this. I am very impressed. And personally I do enjoy reading stories of this time period. Early in the story you had mentioned the persecution of Christians during the reign of Marcus Aurelius Antoninus and I remember years ago reading a book of philosophers and listed among them was the extensive volume he wrote, which I did read, and throughout that he made no mention of Christianity, and I remember thinking that this terrible thing was going on at the time of his writings, and here he is talking about his exalted beliefs in humanity and honesty and such...

anyway, I want to say that you have done a great job with writing this. And it's so visual. You've amazed me with your descriptions and for the writer who wants to improve their art yours is a great book to read, because you offer an excellent example of how it should be done.

The only thing I saw that I thought might be a little problem was that at a few points in the story your POV seems to change. Now I am far from an expert on this, so take my words with a grain of salt. And better yet, look at what others say about that because more than likely they will have the expertise.

Overall I think it's tremendous and I will certainly give you the proper rating. Thank you for the invitation to read your book. julie

Hi Nathan
I have read the first two chapters and found your story compelling and Your writing colorful and imaginative. To tell the story of early Christians and their persecution is extremely well done and provides a great read. I will back the book and look forward tol reading to the conclusion blessings joy

Nathan - Wow. Great opening segment. Throbbing with intensity and laced with great little details accenting the main thrust of the story (e.g. peering over the iron rim of the legionnaire's shield, the crimson crest of the helmet, the sand and tumult of the arena, etc.). Nicely done. Very intense; definitely draws the reader in. You had me rooting for this poor guy from the very start. All in all, great piece!

Best of luck with this!
Steve
'Epiphany'

LOVED LOVED LOVED Chapter 2. I so want to read on now. And I'm so glad I took a second look at your story!
I will higly star, watchlist, and get on my shelf soon....just can't do it right now.
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Hi Nathan, I've read up to chapter 3 and have really enjoyed it. Backing up the comments below this is a great read, lots of excitement, action and drama.

With that very positive feedback, there were a few phrases in the prologue that seemed to jar slightly. Maybe this was just my reading of it, but I thought it was worth passing it on. For example, “freshly-killed lions” (maybe “recently-killed lions” would work better?) and “showing only slightly” (maybe “showing just a glimpse”?). Also, something didn’t read quite right with “twin scars he knew were dealt by a trident ran parallel across cheek and forehead”. I wasn’t sure why Antonius’s opponent was better armed, since both seem to have swords and shields. I also wasn’t sure what the relevance of the “fading flutter of a pulse” was. If no one noticed, why did the physician run forward?

Not entirely sure that killing the main character in the prologue increases the reader interest.

Anyway, well done! Pleased to back it.

Peter
Falscastra - Journey to the King

Nathan,
I have just finished reading the 15th chapter and thought I would stop and give comment.
You are obviously an experienced writer as it shows in your wonderful descriptive style of telling a story.
I have really enjoyed this read and will finish it.
May I give a few minor suggestions?
Ch.1- "She was still decidedly womanly" somehow that descriptive sentence does not flow well. Your so talented in how you use description, your could easily restructure that to flow with the rest of your style.
Ch. 6- You wrote that a pagan king put Daniel in the lion's den. In the bibical story it was the Noble men who devised the plan for Daniel to be put in the lion's den. The King rescued him the next morning after he prayed all night that Daniel's God would save him.
Ch.7- The use of the word "smell" twice in the same descriptive sentence. "smell the sickly-sweet smell of blood". Maybe one could be aroma?
Ch. 11- You quoted Ps 121:1 and repeated "Hills" twice using the King James version, I am sure it was a typo as that is not in the quoted verse.
Ch. 15- Repeated use of the word out - "He drew it out and held it out" the sentence would flow better if you used another word in place of one of the "outs".
Ch.15- typo "What ish it? (is)
Hope that was helpful. I know it has been helpful to me from others concerning my book.
Good luck with "A War Within", I know it will do well and should soon capture a publisher's eye.
Stay blessed,
Lynn - "The Chair"

Ok, I love what you have here! I want to give some pointers, (my opinion). First, I am giving you 6 stars because I love it, and want to finish it (and hopefully will have the chance, tho I prefer reading a real book, and not a computer book). I am also putting you in my WL and will promote you to my shelf when I can clear some space in a few days (after the editors make their pick).

I absolutely love this, and you drew me in right away. I love your writing style. I pray you are discovered soon because I want to buy all your books, and I've only begun this book. Have you written others?

Your manuscript deserves all the attention you can give it to tighten it as much as possible. I found a few grammatical errors, but nothing major. The first solid suggestion I want to give you, IS DON'T KILL ANTONIUS IN THE PROLOGUE!!! That really makes the reader not want to continue....We already cared about the guy, and now he's dead! My suggestion would be, to end the prologue in the heat of the battle....and just leave it hanging who is killed....and that will create the tension needed to make the reader want to continue the story to get to the climatic ending....where you finish the prologue. Am I making sense? I hope so. If not, then please send me a message and I'll explain a little better.

Also, in the opening paragraph, you add too much detail. Such as: barely restrained could be deleted and it won't take away from the sentence because "bulged" is descriptive enough (and alludes to being "barely restrained"). In sentence two, I wouldn't include the description of the citizens and freedmen (toga wearing and tunic clad) because it makes it rather cumbersome to read. (Just my opinion)

I love your book and I'll hopefully see it cross the editor's desk!
Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Ok, I love what you have here! I want to give some pointers, (my opinion). First, I am giving you 6 stars because I love it, and want to finish it (and hopefully will have the chance, tho I prefer reading a real book, and not a computer book). I am also putting you in my WL and will promote you to my shelf when I can clear some space in a few days (after the editors make their pick).

I absolutely love this, and you drew me in right away. I love your writing style. I pray you are discovered soon because I want to buy all your books, and I've only begun this book. Have you written others?

Your manuscript deserves all the attention you can give it to tighten it as much as possible. I found a few grammatical errors, but nothing major. The first solid suggestion I want to give you, IS DON'T KILL ANTONIUS IN THE PROLOGUE!!! That really makes the reader not want to continue....We already cared about the guy, and now he's dead! My suggestion would be, to end the prologue in the heat of the battle....and just leave it hanging who is killed....and that will create the tension needed to make the reader want to continue the story to get to the climatic ending....where you finish the prologue. Am I making sense? I hope so. If not, then please send me a message and I'll explain a little better.

Also, in the opening paragraph, you add too much detail. Such as: barely restrained could be deleted and it won't take away from the sentence because "bulged" is descriptive enough (and alludes to being "barely restrained"). In sentence two, I wouldn't include the description of the citizens and freedmen (toga wearing and tunic clad) because it makes it rather cumbersome to read. (Just my opinion)

I love your book and I'll hopefully see it cross the editor's desk!
Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Nathan, you captured me completely with powerful descriptions, fast-paced action, intrigue, and conflict. Reading seemed more as if I was witnessing the plot unfold before my eyes. The pace is just right. Your portrayal of setting and mood is phenomenal. You have a way of expressing with such exact impact and deliver its stunning message masterfully! I'll continue reading to the very last word.
Donna Robison
No Kiss Good-bye

Slowly, inch by inch, Antonious fell back, sandals skidding furrows in the sand as he dug in (his feet) for purchase- I think you can leave out (his feet). First it sounds awkward. Second, it’s redundant, what else would the sandals be on and digging into the sand, but his feet.

I think maybe an explanation of how Antoius Maximus is alive again should come right away. Is it another Antonius, did we go back in time, is it an alternate reality, what has happened? Was the prelude a flash forward or is chapter one a flash back? Nothing is clear so far.

Massito promptly licked him again and Antonius swiped (a) sleeve across his mouth.

Chapter one is really long. I’ll have to come back another day, the kids don’t let me read for that long.

This is a really well thought out story.
Every detail is correct to the period of time you are writing from. The names also are very consistent with your time period.
The way you write shows the danger of those times and the cruelty of the Roman empire and their horrid games.
It all draws the reader to read on to see what will happen next.
There are no mistakes as of yet.
Keep up the great job here.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Nathan,

Historical fiction isn't really my genre, but in my opinion, you write quite well. Your vivid descriptions put the reader right there in the middle of the action. Will gladly give you high stars!

All the best to you!

Patti

Hi, Nathan, just stopped by for chapter eighteen. Your book definitely lives up to its action description. Something is always happening. Antonius and Theudas are continually facing both internal and external struggles. One conflict leaves them with pains or injuries that propel your characters into a new, unexpected challenge.

Joni

Hello, Nathan just finished "To Kill an Emperor." Even though revenge cannot be condoned, our sense of justice allows us to sympathize with Antonius. Yet the loss of the German's life and Theudas' injuries reveal the consequences of seeking that justice for ourselves. It's also beneficial to bring in Titus, the hopeful father who is patiently waiting for his son's repentance. Makes a nice contrast and also gives us a different perspective.
Jonie