Dance With Me

Dianna,

Thanks for your encouraging comments, and rating. I'm on the 12th chapter of your manuscript, and so far find it a compelling read. More to follow.

God Bless,

Rob Sargeant
Dance With Me

Rob, (Sorry I called you Jim earlier, got you mixed up with someone else (too much reading…)

I must say, I love the action in your book and there is no hiding the truth. You are as bold as your character, Carl. At times your dialogue and narration reminded me of The Shack by William P. Young. It’s one of my favorite books.

Your story pulls the reader in right away with the abduction and escape. And with your expert use of words, the reader is able to feel the desperate situation and see the watery surroundings. What I especially appreciate about your work is, you show us how God does indeed talk to man (if we listen). His Spirit is there if only we are willing to admit what that small voice in our head is - not our conscience, but the Spirit of truth. Where most of us fall short is trusting and obeying.

The problem is stated clearly in the beginning of your book, and the plot is intriguing with some surprising twists in chapter three. Excellent. I wish you had uploaded more! Your story is clean - didn’t see any glaring mistakes.

Because of the bold truth in your book, like mine, we may have a tough time selling this to the big three Christian Publishers, but there is a market for this. Look at The Shack… God is great and if we fit into His purposes, anything can happen. A job well done, Rob. Six stars!

Sincerely,

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Rob, (Sorry I called you Jim earlier, got you mixed up with someone else (too much reading…)

I must say, I love the action in your book and there is no hiding the truth. You are as bold as your character, Carl. At times your dialogue and narration reminded me of The Shack by William P. Young. It’s one of my favorite books.

Your story pulls the reader in right away with the abduction and escape. And with your expert use of words, the reader is able to feel the desperate situation and see the watery surroundings. What I especially appreciate about your work is, you show us how God does indeed talk to man (if we listen). His Spirit is there if only we are willing to admit what that small voice in our head is - not our conscience, but the Spirit of truth. Where most of us fall short is trusting and obeying.

The problem is stated clearly in the beginning of your book, and the plot is intriguing with some surprising twists in chapter three. Excellent. I wish you had uploaded more! Your story is clean - didn’t see any glaring mistakes.

Because of the bold truth in your book, like mine, we may have a tough time selling this to the big three Christian Publishers, but there is a market for this. Look at The Shack… God is great and if we fit into His purposes, anything can happen. A job well done, Rob. Six stars!

Sincerely,

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Hello Rob:

Boy! You don't waste any time getting into the story do you? Right from the first line you grab the reader's attention. This is a tremendously evangelistic novel and there is no doubt that God has given this to you for that purpose; the one barrier, however, is that, if you seek to have the book published by secular publishers, they will find that there is too much of a Christianese feel to it and they may find the agenda too explicit instead of implicit. Don't be discouraged, though, this site is widely read by Christian publishers and there is also the option of self-publishing.

God has a plan for you and He has a plan for this book and I believe He will use it to bring many into His kingdom.

Blessings to you!

James

Hi James,

Thanks for your feedback. My understanding is that Zondervan, the largest Christian book publisher, is a division of Harper Collins. So, I'm sure they'll pass along any promising manuscripts to them.

God Bless,

Rob

Hello Rob:

Boy! You don't waste any time getting into the story do you? Right from the first line you grab the reader's attention. This is a tremendously evangelistic novel and there is no doubt that God has given this to you for that purpose; the one barrier, however, is that, if you seek to have the book published by secular publishers, they will find that there is too much of a Christianese feel to it and they may find the agenda too explicit instead of implicit. Don't be discouraged, though, this site is widely read by Christian publishers and there is also the option of self-publishing.

God has a plan for you and He has a plan for this book and I believe He will use it to bring many into His kingdom.

Blessings to you!

James

This is likely something my son would be very interested in. Backed and rated.

Cat
Twisted
Lies & Love

I have read the first chapter and I am looking forward to coming back for more.:o)
It reads like a testimony with feet on it. A good thing.
When I'm teaching my middleschool-ers on Wednesday , they are not allowed to answer my questions with "christian jargon", if at all possible.
I tell' em, " Put feet on it.! What does that mean? What does that look like? Make me believe that you really BELIEVE what you're telling me."
I want them to be thinkers and not parrots.
My students that are the worst at "thinking" are the ones that grew up in the church.(Including my own children!) All they ever heard was "Christian jargon" ( well... not from me. I like to put feet on things) and they can't explain to me exactly WHAT they believe or WHY.
Hopefully by the time they leave me and go on to High school they'll have the tools to have a good start on answering those
questions for themselves.
I really like this! Will be back soon to read more!
Blessings,
Laura A. Diaz
"Come What May"

Rob:
Love the crackerjack beginning. Wish I could have started my book with such action (but I had to show how tedious my protagonist's life was). The Psalm 91 touch was great! Reminds me of how I used to wear a bullet around my neck until one day, I was attacked by a salesman from Gideon, if it wasn't for the bullet, that Bible...(I think I stole that joke from Woody Allen) :-)
Much success with the book, I have a few more comments I will share offline with you later.
Paul Cicchini
godsmacked

Paul,
Thanks for the feedback. I'm almost done godsmacked. Its had some good laughs so far.

Rob:
Love the crackerjack beginning. Wish I could have started my book with such action (but I had to show how tedious my protagonist's life was). The Psalm 91 touch was great! Reminds me of how I used to wear a bullet around my neck until one day, I was attacked by a salesman from Gideon, if it wasn't for the bullet, that Bible...(I think I stole that joke from Woody Allen) :-)
Much success with the book, I have a few more comments I will share offline with you later.
Paul Cicchini
godsmacked

Tense thriller with a good MC. I wondered though since Carl seems almost to be in every scene whether this would work better as a first person narrative. You could really let the reader feel what it is like to be shot, wrapped in a tarpaulin and thrown in a river. The writing would be more intimate and involving. At present it seems a little objective and remote. This was just my impression and the story is good enough to hold my attention. ***** and I would read more when you upload again.

Thanks for your comments Brian. I thought about writing first person in an earlier draft. Maybe I'll give it some more consideration. Overall my writing tends to lean towards a minimalistic style.

Tense thriller with a good MC. I wondered though since Carl seems almost to be in every scene whether this would work better as a first person narrative. You could really let the reader feel what it is like to be shot, wrapped in a tarpaulin and thrown in a river. The writing would be more intimate and involving. At present it seems a little objective and remote. This was just my impression and the story is good enough to hold my attention. ***** and I would read more when you upload again.

Hi Rob, I'm going to jump on this from the very beginning. Every agent or publisher you submit this to is going to tell you to "show, don't tell". The first paragraph intrigued me because you placed Carl in an impossible situation. However, I would much rather see Carl get placed into that situation than have it described to me.

The same thing happens when Carl has his vision. These things would be so much more powerful if the reader is experiencing them rather than having them described. If I were to guess, I would say this is an initial or second draft. You will need to go in and revise and show the readers the action. Get in their faces with it.

Check your dialogue, too. It's rare that a person will say "she is" rather than "she's". There are exceptions and if your character calls for it, then so be it.

Be sure to look for passive voice and get rid of it. It's really easy to write in passive voice. Something like, "The car turned onto the freeway" is an example of passive voice. "Joe steered the car onto the freeway" is more active. It's obviously not perfect, but it's better. An example in your writing that's active. "Naomi stirred." That's a great sentence. It's active and it tells me exactly what's going on and how to picture it. A sentence like "He stared out the window, watching..." It might be personal taste, but I'm more of a fan of keeping my tenses the same. "He stared out the window and watched..."

One last thought. Make sure everything you write does two things: 1) Develops character 2) advances the plot. If the writing isn't doing this, it's probably not necessary.

Anyway, take it for what it's worth, it's just my 2-cents. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on how your MS progresses! Keep writing!

Neal Wollenberg, 13th Summer

Neal, Thanks for the feedback on Dance With Me.

I'm finding the challenge of being a writer is more in what not to write than in what to write.

Hi Rob, I'm going to jump on this from the very beginning. Every agent or publisher you submit this to is going to tell you to "show, don't tell". The first paragraph intrigued me because you placed Carl in an impossible situation. However, I would much rather see Carl get placed into that situation than have it described to me.

The same thing happens when Carl has his vision. These things would be so much more powerful if the reader is experiencing them rather than having them described. If I were to guess, I would say this is an initial or second draft. You will need to go in and revise and show the readers the action. Get in their faces with it.

Check your dialogue, too. It's rare that a person will say "she is" rather than "she's". There are exceptions and if your character calls for it, then so be it.

Be sure to look for passive voice and get rid of it. It's really easy to write in passive voice. Something like, "The car turned onto the freeway" is an example of passive voice. "Joe steered the car onto the freeway" is more active. It's obviously not perfect, but it's better. An example in your writing that's active. "Naomi stirred." That's a great sentence. It's active and it tells me exactly what's going on and how to picture it. A sentence like "He stared out the window, watching..." It might be personal taste, but I'm more of a fan of keeping my tenses the same. "He stared out the window and watched..."

One last thought. Make sure everything you write does two things: 1) Develops character 2) advances the plot. If the writing isn't doing this, it's probably not necessary.

Anyway, take it for what it's worth, it's just my 2-cents. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on how your MS progresses! Keep writing!

Neal Wollenberg, 13th Summer

Great beginning for a story. Reminds me a little of The Count of Monte Cristo where the hero escpaes after being thought for dead and thrown into the sea for burial, only to escape. I like the part where the bible stops a bullet from killing Carl - that was classy!
All the best
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

Dear Rob. Started reading your work and I did enjoy it. You do a good blend of show and tell. Found your dialogue engaging and humorous in places. Good job and good luck.
You’ve got my backing.
Dan

Dear Rob,

My people say that people who travel widely, see adventures. It is thanks to which have exiting works. I am

also more or less new here, having joined not long ago.

Peruse though me, "Destined To Triumph" and back it if you consider it worthwhile or at

least let it be on your shelve so for since it is still empty.

Be blessed.