Fools of a Broken Land

- Fools of a Broken Land -

(Based on everything uploaded)

I enjoyed the deceptively simple vocabulary and almost minimalist prose of this. The fantasy world is portrayed without resorting to huge, in-depth descritions of sumptuous royal halls, magical lands etc. That was something I tought a lot about while reading. The author appears to make clever use of images most of us will have implanted in our heads from having seen fantasy films, read books or from having fairy tales read to us as children. A king sits on his throne - and we can all pitcure that throne room, then with a few mentions of the others in attendance we have the complete pitcure of the court, the guards etc. The same effect is achieved throughout. The word 'tavern' for instance puts us in mind of long benches, tankards, buxom wenches etc and the author allows his tale to play out in that image without describing it to us in detail.

Due to this non reliance on descrition and the relatively simple style of the prose, the book is very readable. The pace is varied nicely too, with background and exposition being interspersed with some excellent action sequences, such as the fight with the would-be robber family - which was, incidentally, my favourite scene.

I'll try to give some constructive criticism but it's alays best to bear in mind that I am both a complete novice as an author and not customarily a reader of the genre so my comments may not be worth the webspace they're typed on.

The main thing I would note would be the moving around between so many different points of view within the chapters. I'm not against this as a rule, as so many seem to be, but imagine it may make things difficult for the reader to follow when so many are introduced early on in the story. Perhaps when the characters are build into more solid images in the mind of the reader, it's easier to move between them but when we are still in the process of establishing who is who, it has the potential to confuse. For me personally, I was ale to follow for the most part but I did become a little unsure when Dilyn was introduced in chapter one over whether this was a new character or one introduced previously who was referred to differently. And in chapter three, I couldn't tell whether the king there was the murderous son from the prologue or another king altogether.

This could well just be me though and may not apply to other readers.

One note I would make in terms of typos is that there were an awful lot of occasions where possessive apostrophes were missing. 'kings' instead of 'king's', 'fathers' instead of 'father's' etc.

Another note is that I was sometimes uncertain over whether some of the language employed was too contemporary and may jar the reader out of the medieval kind of setting. This applied to the swearing and to characters saying things like 'I guess' (not sure aout that one) or 'working girl' (again, I don't know how old that one is but it feels relatively contemporary).

In any case, I did very much enjoy the read. As I say, I don't customarily read the genre so that I was able to skip through the entire upload in one sitting and to like what I read definitely says something positive.

All the best with it,

Ross

This is a great plot. The plot involves everybody and compels the readers to read. Characters are well drawn; they seem to be drawn though a good visualization. Besides, storyline runs fast and it keeps the readers guessing the next event. Description of anarchy and other social problems involves the readers to think about the way out. This must reach the market.
With best wishes
Ajay

I read your prologue and first chapter.

General comments: An intriguing start. A colorful cast of characters. Good world building. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) You used the word 'polished' twice in your second sentence. Consider using an alternate word for one of them.
2) 'As he passed through the halls great double doors ... ' Halls (plural) should be hall's (possessive). There are many more cases in the prologue and the first chapter where the plural form is used when the possessive form is appropriate.
3) "I'm here father, because I realize now that it's time for me to grow up." Comma after 'here.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
4) 'The Guardsman that stood by the Prince ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people. There are more cases where 'that' is used when 'who' is appropriate. Also, 'father' should be capitalized. When 'father' is used as a name for someone, it becomes a proper noun and, as such, it is capitalized. There are more cases where 'father' is used as a name, but isn't capitalized.
5) ' ... the serving made a look of horror on her face ... ' 'Made' should be 'maid.'

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... the soothing noise of many quite conversations ... ' 'Quite' should be 'quiet.'
2) " ... don't hesitate to come to me My door is always open." Period after 'me.'
3) "I'll be sure to do that, Lord Hector," Put a period after 'Hector' rather than the comma.
4) ' ... on one of the great sailing ships they'd seen in the cities docks.' Cities (plural) should be city's (possessive).
5) "I'm here to see Evvone." Dilyn said. Comma after 'Evvone.'
6) "Ah, she's no longer under my roof lad, you've been away for quite some time." Comma after 'roof.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.
7) "Your sticking your nose into things would only confuse the situation," The old man said ... The second 'The' should be lowercase.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important opening pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if it's worthy, keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

Fools of a Broken Land has dialogue which seems modern-day and is accessible to the reader. I like how you sweep the reader away to a place in history where the lives of royal people are presented in a way that you cannot begin to envy them. The colorful cast of characters have problems to solve unlike anything the modern-day reader can identify with, but the scenes are easily imagined from your vivid descriptions of the events which unfold throughout the narrative.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Fools of a Broken Land is an interesting read, it is clearly written and easily transports you into the world of it's characters. there are alot of characters to get to know which i found a little confusing at first, but they are bought to life easily without any long winded descriptions.
A couple of observations i noted while reading the prologue; in one paragraph you wrote The King three times, i felt it would flow better if you used he the second and third time. Where you say 'the hall's great double doors' you could drop 'the hall' it would still make sense. There were a few other typos and grammar mistakes, but nothing an edit wouldn't sort out. Personally i felt it may be an idea to tell each characters story more fully, with maybe a chapter each before moving on to the next character, as i got a bit lost at times as you jumped from character to character. These are just my personal thoughts though.
This is an intriguing story that is well written and i'm sure you will do well with it.
It's starred and on my WL Good luck with it
Lindsey
Vortex