The Hole in Page Eleven

Hi S Richard, The wall obsession got me reading. There's lively interplay between Liam's thoughts and the scenes with Amber, also between the house and his, good pace. And the friendship with Liam's visits approved are nicely done under the surroundings and description. The question, YA? I'm wondering at the ages in that they seemed younger than teenage. Good atmosphere and reason to read on - Shelved & starred Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Wide Awake Loons, The Swan Bonnet)

Hi

I came across your book as I am also a childrens/YA writer with my age target exactly the same as yours - so I thought I would take a look to see how we compared! I have a son named Liam so that was an added bonus. I have read the first few chapters and like what I have seen very much. You get straight into the plot and there is a lot of dialogue all the way through with not much in the way of description - I think it works well enough.
5 stars and on my watchlist.

Perhaps you would like to take a look at my book for the same reason I looked at yours!

MP Jones (They Shoot Birds Don't They?)

Had this on my to-read list, having recognized your name perhaps but not the title. And of course I've read it before. I like the new title. I liked the other one, but it sounded probably more like a work for adults. This one is better, perfect for the age group intended.

ARG. So many good books, such a little shelf. Hoping to re-shelve this after a couple of commitments have been fulfilled. I remembered this immediately but kept reading anyway, so that's something. Really well done.

Mary

Richard,
The Hole in Page Eleven has a captivating plot I never could have imagined. It's a riveting adventure which is well-suited to the young adult crowd who can identify with Liam and Amber. The dialogue is realistic and I could easily hear the words being spoken in my imagination as the enthralling tale is unraveled.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Your premise is intriguing, what is behind an age old wall. Language is simple but rich; characters are interesting. You have presented the manuscript in a professional way, this must reach the market.
With best wishes Ajay

i love the gentle tone and also the really simple logic of the plot. it is refreshing! didn't have room on my shelf but you are waitlisted for the next cull! Go you!
jen

I read Chapters 1 to 5 and found your book interesting. I think it has the right ingredients that makes a good book. The grammar is good, the writing easy to follow, the plot interesting, and the suspense thrilling. I only wish more had happened at this stage, but that's not to say I didn't enjoy the story, because I did.

I like this, a lot. Good pace and content for the age range (I'm an English teacher , so I'd like to think I might know something about it). i read this because one of my backers backed it and I'm glad I did. Only read first three chaapters so far, but will be reading on.

Chapters 5 and 6 maintain the charm and intrigue. I'm thoroughly enjoying this read. I don't know how you do it, but I actually feel as if I'm playing a part in their adventures, I'm there, down in the cellar or caught with the ladder. Very well written. It's a six-star-read!
Best,
John

Chapter one satisfies. Liam is accessible, an ideal MC for this story. Once he's over the wall, we are charmed by his surroundings, his interactions with Amber and the element of mystery. Great start. I'll comment on some successive chapters later today.
Cheers!
John

hi Simon--
leaving 1989--

Glad i came across this wonderful book of yours. The pitch after reading it grabbed my attention.
Who is on the other side of the wall?
who is amber?
what's in future is in store for Liam ?
nice to read a pitch that leaves one guessing and wanting to read more.
cover is spot on too, that wall--those eyes.
read the first three chapters and then 10.11 and 12.

As liam and amber look through every nook and cranny; everything here is handled to perfection; made me feel as if i was involved in that search with them.
Nice drawn out style as i read through the first three.

Like the way the story is brought into the past as they look through the hole, it's august 25th 1989/

great original story here and told brilliantly for the age group mentioned 10 to 12.
should do well for that intended market. in fact it's for young and old to read'

tom bye dublin ireland.
from hugs to kisses'
please oblige and read some on mine and if you like comment or back, thank you'

Oh my Simon.

I love this, absolutely love it. I am there with Liam and Amber, seeing the shadow of the statue and finding the key! It's brilliantly written but from the other stuff you have posted I am not at all sure why I was surprised.
Will definitely be back for more and it is going on my shelf.

Millie C
Crown of Thorns

Immediate and vivid, with enough intrigue and detail to keep my attention and I would imagine, that of an eleven-year-old (which I know from experience is not easy!). Really, very well done. One thing...found it hard to visualize this wall, along which he had walked so many times but yet never caught even a glimpse around it? How long is this wall? It's impossible to ascertain what's over there? No one ever mentioned or talked about it at school? Just wondered. Enjoyed this, very well written.

---Mary

I like your opening paragraph. The salt n vinegar detail brings the MC to life straight away. (I also really like the line about the Nobel Crisp prize!) I think the voice is good too, and as far as I know appropriate to this age group, with words like minger that made me smile.

I was a little confused in the second paragraph - bear in mind I'm a language teacher so I'm possibly overly picky about these things. I would keep in the past perfect, ie the 'he had done' not the 'he did' tense for the whole flashback not just the initial sentence.

It sounds like there is plenty of interesting stuff the other side of the wall, but I think you need to tantalise your reader with why you are telling them about the flashback straight away - maybe just a simple sentence like 'if only he'd known that all these years later...' - to explain why this matters to the story now. Hope that makes sense.

Hope that's helpful, please bear in mind that I haven't read what the Americans call MG fic for about twenty years and that I'm a fellow unpublished novelist, so feel free to disregard!

I love the images of a boy climbing a wall with a packet of crisps in between his teeth. You had emapthy for him from the start. Nice relationship thing going on between Liam and Amber. Enjoyed the writing style. Good first chapter
Lindsey j
To Paint A White Horse.

As promised, here I am, at last. :) Keep in mind that I’m far more familiar with YA than MG, though my first three years of teaching were exclusively 12 and 13-year-olds. Plus, my ears are tuned for American. That should give you an idea how much salt to use with my comments. ;)

The pitch is solid and clearly lays out the premise. Very much the kind of premise I love, a little time travel and potential paradox trouble as the timeline gets fouled up. Nice. I’m not sure the pitch itself quite “feels” MG, but I can’t put my finger on why. Will keep thinking about it as I read.

Early in chapter one, I’m not sure if you’re going for an intentional parallel by ending consecutive paragraphs with “not even his mum,” but I just noted the echo.

I find myself wondering just how tall the wall is, particularly when Liam pulls the ladder up and over (since the height of the wall relates to the size of the ladder). And I think part of what made hoisting the ladder feel strange is that it made me realize I wasn’t visualizing Liam as a 13-year-old. I wasn’t visualizing him as young as six, since those events are solidly related as being in the past, but nothing really grounded me in his current age. I’m not sure how to make him *feel* like a 13-year-old instantly, though.

Nit: Missing quotation marks on the line starting “Look at the very end...”

My main impressions of Ch1: Clean writing and a nice setup for the adventure to follow. You do a nice job working in a little personality for each of the MCs. The alternating POVs mid-scene are ambitious. As an adult reader, they work for me, but I’m not sure whether they fly for this age group. Are there other books in the category with similar structure? If so, no worries. Occasionally, the voice struck me as odd for the age, but that could be my American-ness.

One thing that bugged me was how Amber immediately and analytically thought about how Liam was or wasn’t cute ... then as soon as it went back to Liam’s POV, he had a similarly analytical thought regarding her looks. At this age, yes, they’re going to be interested in such things, but the nature of their observations didn’t work for me. Generally, their reactions are likely to be more visceral, less cerebral, particularly in the moment. Especially in Amber’s case, this boy just fell off the wall into her backyard. I would expect more “what the heck was he doing up there?” and maybe some anxiety that’s partially tied to “hey, he’s kinda cute.”

Odd line in Ch2 saying “Half an hour ago she’d never met him” ... She met him the day before, right? (I suspect the checking-of-the-locks initially happened that first day, and this line got missed in the editing.) :)

Wait, which one of them says “Look, I have to get back for lunch”? It reads like it’s Liam, but then seems to have been Amber.

The little self-conscious ‘budding romance’ snippets still jar a bit in the second chapter. I think the way it’s happening so right-off-the-bat is making it feel a little forced to me. There might be some value in letting them just be friends first, keeping the focus on the mystery of the key. As a reader, I hardly know the characters yet, and they know each other even less—nothing wrong with giving them some time to develop an interest in each other. Or that might just be me. :)

Also, some of the pacing and sequencing feel a little funny. Going to the house long enough to try the key, then suddenly having to go home for lunch, only to retrieve the parents and head back to the house again ... it felt like a lot of movement for not much happening. Maybe think about possible ways to tighten things up to move it along. If there are too many everyday things happening in-between, I think kids might lose the intrigue of “what does the key go to?”

As always, take whatever’s helpful and file the rest under “R.C. doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” ;) If you’d like me to look at/for anything specific among the rest of the posted work, let me know.

Leaving 1989
Simon Betterton

I hope you’ve decided to start a special 21st century literary movement with your Children/YA books Simon – because your content and style are wonderfully unique – quite appealing to the average adult too, judging by my response to both your books up on Authonomy.

Chapter one was a fluid, eloquent, atmospheric beginning. It was easy to sense the adventure element, the fusion of childhood fantasy and expectation concerning the unknown, in your classic construct of that thing which draws the curious child's mind – in this case, the wall. I admit – I was as eager as Liam was to learn what was lurking behind it – magic, gentle or brute creatures, good or evil?! I think it is natural for children in their younger years to have a fixation with some mysterious, yet unexplored thing, and so it was easy to identify with Liam’s fascination with the wall, from a very small boy of around six wanting to climb it, running his fingers along the bricks and cement almost every day. I like how you arranged for him now as an older boy to finally get over to the other side – the ladder he happens to come upon, his hesitation, his counting – anxious, melodramatic effects as I waited patiently for him to use this providential tool. His landing on the thick vegetation on the other side was a relief – now the reader has a clue as to what’s there, including the old red brick house – but trouble for Liam before he gets that far as a girl steps out from behind the nearest tree. You manage to imbue a sense of mystery and expectation from the very start, and as the reader continues reading this rhythm is maintained. The writing is clean, sophisticated and it simply reels the reader in without the slightest effort. Then the two share the salt ‘n’ vinegar crisps – such a natural thing for children to do and the dialogue at this point seems spontaneous and believable. There is a sense of innocence here – Amber not 100% sure of Liam’s motives in being there since he has come onto her garden without permission, yet there is a sense of the trust which is often common in childhood/YA relationships – he’s shared his crisps with her, so he can’t be that bad, can he? So, she’s agreed to show him some of her house which her family has recently moved into and if her dad asks about him, she’ll say he’s a friend. Then unxpectedly, they find a key under some cracked plaster. She doesn’t know which door the key would open, and as it’s getting dark, they agree to meet the next day, when presumably, that mysterious key would come into the picture again. Their fingers touch at some point and it is clear there is some sort of attraction between them – perhaps a romance will blossom – so many hints of what might develop later on as the plot progresses which whets the reader’s appetite and makes one want to read on. Liam leaves by the front gate and Amber can’t wait for tomorrow. Liam thinks she’s cool and pretty.

The next day he gets a tour of the house – twelve rooms it has, with the whole place smelling of years of silence. He meets her parents who learn that Amber and Liam will be schoolmates – she introduces him as a friend of a friend who came by to have a look at the garden. Her dad offers to pay him to help with some of the housework – clearing the rooms, cutting back the ivy and so on. Liam thinks that’s brilliant. What a great way to develop the plot here Simon. A few days pass and on Thursday he’s back at the old house. Both Amber and Liam are cleaning the rooms when an odd wall is discovered – perhaps now they’ll be able to find a secret door and use that mysterious key. Of course I can’t wait to get to the next chapter to find out! I think you create a very moving novel conceived at the highest imaginative level, rich, energetic, with likeable, credible characters; the language flows naturally with a sense of adventure and expectation maintained from paragraph to paragraph. I think this would be a real delight for your target market and I wish you the very best with it.
Zan

Hi non spammer! I've read a selection of chapters from the beginning, middle and end. Like it. No complaints or nitpicks over the writing and I like the story. Straight into the action, meeting your main characters quickly, and some really appealling elements - a high wall and what's behind it (I had one as a kid) then a house that can be explored, a key appearing, time travel....... perfect.

It reads well, I'd galloped through two chapters without pausing. Now I want to go back and fill in the gaps between the chapters I read. Given you stars and put you on my waitlist.
Cariad.

HI Simon, part of my book is set in 1989, so your title attracted me!!
Read through your first chapter, nice ending! The reading was easy, there is a little more "tell" than "show". Starred! Thanks for sharing. :)

After reading five chapters, I must say that children will enjoy this story immensely. Who doesn't like exploring an old house full of secret passages? Good luck with it!

Lauri

I was instantly hooked with the idea of what lies behind the wall so I think children will love this. Liam is an engaging character and easy to relate to. When he falls into lush overgrown garden it reminded me slightly of one of my favourite books The Secret Garden. Which is definitely a good thing. Chapter 1 ends with a fantastic hook - the finding of the mysterious key. This book has great potential. I really hope you do well with it.

great read; good pace, narrative and dialogue all move this book along; l have backed...
read SEASONS...

Simon, the immediacy of your writing never disappoints. The set-up here is great, with undertones of regret and things lost. This is a book that would appeal to your target audience as well as their parents. Backed. And now I'm logging off again after 200-odd days away. Good luck with this. R

Hi Simon. Thanks so much for reminding me to get back to you. I had started to read the first chapter and then went about my business of editing my own story. After your ping, I sat down and read Chapter 1 through to the end.

And I really liked it.

That said, I still got distracted on reading your opening paragraphs. The writing seems self-conscious. I can see YOU the writer, and it shatters the illusion of this very good story.

Several paragraphs down, you mention the wall. And I think, as someone else commented, this should be in the opening paragraph. That first paragraph has to grab me. And salt'n vinegar crisps just didn't do it. The wall would do it. That first paragraph should leave me wondering what is going to happen next, right? The crisps can still be a part of it, but they shouldn't be the focal point.

I also think you should say more about the wall. Describe it. Describe what surrounds it. The road. The houses. Trash on the street. I don't feel like I have a good idea of what the wall looks like. Feels like. Is it pristine? What color is it? How tall is it?

"The solution lying in front of him." Not sure I like this sentence. I would remind the reader of what the problem is...years of trying to find a way over, by saying "The solution to his years of trying to find a way over the wall lay in front of him." Something like that. And, while we're on that topic...someone else questioned why it had been so difficult to find a way over. Delve into that to enhance the verisimilitude.

"....mass of leaves. What was behind?" What was behind what? The leaves? I can't picture this. We know he's on the wall by now. Leaves are generally on the ground. But maybe you mean leafy trees? This is how I read it anyway, and it confused me.

"There in front of him was a girl..." In MY opinion, you should stop here. End of chapter one. But feel free to throw that bit of advice in the trash if you like!

I think when he gets over the wall it should be a Wizard of Oz moment, you know? But I didn't get that. I wanted to SEE what was over that wall. Tall trees? Short shrubs? Pathways? Or totally overgrown? Is the place special? Or does it just look like someone's elaborate garden? What does Liam think? Is it what he expected? Does it exceed or fall short of his expectations? Is it dark? Can he see the sky? Are birds chirping? Any squirrels? Flowers? Etc.

He raised his eyebrows..... "Same as me." I think you should switch those to sentences and then end it (End of chapter 2, if I were writing it.)

In the "Hold on..." section. In the darkness of what? The transition seems a bit awkward to me. I know they're in the house, but give me some more clues. What part of the house? Did they come from light to dark? Do they bump into each other? (that would be nice :-) she could punch him again.

"It was a key." BRILLIANT.

I think Norton's and JSP's comments fall in line with mine.

You have a gift with dialogue, which as you know, is a good gift to have if you're a writer. And your characters are likable and I can SEE them and HEAR them. All good. I think your opening needs work, get to the point, keep your voice, but draw me into the story ASAP! And I need more description of this magical place. Some don't, but I do, so keep that in mind.

Highly rated. Already watchlisted. I'll continue to read on....and possibly back if it continues to keep my attention. This book could be enjoyed by a wide variety of readers, I think, not just the age group you cite. BEST OF LUCK!! JKinkade

Simon:

After sampling several chapters I can say with certainty that your target audience will delight in what you've crafted here. I know I would have enjoyed it immensely as a young person. You have set up an intriguing mystery and introduced believable characters to deal with it. Your writing is simple and strong, and the pace of the narrative is excellent. I found only one thing in the first chapter that gave me slight pause for thought. After Liam falls and the girl appears, she asks how he’s doing and he says he’s okay. Then you write, “Short, dark hair. Nice enough face. Not the greatest-looking boy she’d ever seen, but all right.” Because that observation follows right on the heels of Liam’s line of dialogue, the reader at first assumes it’s going to be his observation about the girl. A simple solution would be to have his line of dialogue as a separate paragraph.

I wish you the best on your quest for the desk.

Best,
Rob

Hi Simon,

Very well done indeed! The two main characters are vividly sketched, and the beginnings of the mystery seeded early on - nice touch. You get right into the story, with nice bits of description and tension along the way. I'm pleased to read and give it a rare five stars.
All best,
Andi

CH1 Simon, the boy reveals very early on that he has spent years wondering what is over the wall. I think you could describe some of his imaginings as a justification to the reader for him taking the step of using the ladder. It need not be lengthy but it would put us more in his shoes and explain his motivation. Also perhaps when he was younger he couldn't have lifted the ladder, but now, after what Mum says is a growth spurt, he thinks he might be able, (sort of no excuses now). Also you could explore his acquiring the confidence through getting older? I think the above would build some tension as he contemplates breaking the rules/law .

A wall, a key, a secret door - fantastic stuff! You already know I'm a fan of your writing - it's perfect for your middle grade target audience - dialogue heavy and intrigue aplenty, (Aplenty? Who says aplenty?). Anyway, it looks like you're writing another winner.

I love the relationship between Liam and Amber, their easy banter and immediate likeability. I'm sure your readers will instantly connect to them.

A couple of tiny criticisms: I thought he statue discovery went on a bit too long. There are a few typos but I'm sure you'll blitz them in time, eg '...harder to bear' not 'bare'.

Looks like you're heading for a shiny gold medal!

Hi Simon

I've read everything you've posted. I think you have the right voice for your target audience, my only comment would be that it took a while to get to them finding the key, I think that maybe if you could get that into chapter 1 it would be a bit better. I liked the relationship with Amber and Liam, the underlying attraction coming through with the arm punching etc was good, but I wonder if they'd have expressed their attraction a bit more obviously being around 14? Unless they're not attracted to each other at all, which wasn't the impression I got.

You're very dialogue heavy, which is good for your target audience. All in all, I think you have this down and I like the spin in your pitch about decisions made in the present AND past.

Starred and will give this a spin on my shelf for sure within the next few days.

Silva

Hello Simon.
I've read all the chapters you've put on the site. The story is well written and i particularly like the relationship between Liam and Amber. I smiled at, "He'd known her for less than ten minutes and already she'd punched him twice. Promising." I do think you need to get them opening the secret door much quicker - when writing for a teen audience or for younger children the pace needs to absolutely rocket along. You could trim some of the dialogue - be ruthless! I also think this story would be better targeted at the 9 - 12 year old age group (based on the small amount of your book i've read).
I really hope this helps.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

Hi Simon,

First question: What's the first chapter for?

If this was my story I'd strip it out. After all, all you need in chapter 2 is that Liam wants to see what's over the wall and a ladder gives him a chance.

This solves the major problem that arises with chapter 1, the death of Liam's mother. You just can't dismiss such a major event in a child's life with 'two weeks later she was gone'. Much easier to do it as fill in backstory with "Mum died a couple of months ago. I don't want to talk about it." Much more believable that way.

On my shelf for the duration

John

LEAVING 1989:
The sense of mystery kicks off smartly from the very first paragraph and you keep this page-turning quality throughout the first chapter. I was taken aback by Liam's mother's sudden death and had to go back to make sure I hadn't missed anything. Apart from that I was intrigued and could imagine the 12 to 14 year-olds lapping it up. Excellent dialogue and a nice balance between action and exposition which gives a pleasing flow. As with all your writing there is an assured touch which gives the reader the promise that the story will not disappoint. A couple of techie bits: numbers should be written in words and ellipsis should have spaces between them.
Good luck with this one. I think it's a winner. Backed.
Sheila

Nicely written in many respects. The dialogue is good and the descriptive prose good too.
The death of his mother seems too briefly dealt with. For a child to lose a parent, desreves more than one or two paragraphs, because it would have a very significant effect on how he sees life, even in a story of this type. You might closen the narrative distance and paint a scene in which he comes to realise her abscence. The graveyard scene might be appropriate.
Enjoyed this,
Backed.

Best of luck with this, Simon. With the proviso that I am ignorant of what appeals to that age group, is that perhaps some of the dialogue is too drawn out. If the MS is going to be shorter than the present length then you might trim a bit of it. My only other question is this: why kill the mother off so early on?

I think you've nailed this one, Simon.
I was rather frustrated to come to the end of the chapters you have up here. Good luck!
Regards, Al.

This is a very nice premise and has all the appeal of the secret. Your short sentences and unadorned paragraphs will please 10-11 yr olds. You might get away with this as a cross-over. So far as I've read, it's very enjoyable and I've backed it. Lara
GOOD FOR HIM

My younger son is 14 years old but I was the one who read it with more interest. Liam and Amber will remain two characters who will not fade easily from my memory for a long time. My son has promised to find time to go through it as well.
For now, I have starred it highly and backed it.
All the best

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

I have read the first and fifth chapter of this, and can really see this appealing to 10 to 14 year olds. The language is simple and the premise intriguing. There is a nice mix of detail (the description of the wall) and absence (the mother's death as a throwaway paragraph), which balances well to keep the reader reading. Liam comes across as a believable boy - in his actions, interests and dialogue. And the friendship between him and Amber is also convincing. You are good at dealing with the mundane (details of sweeping, for example) without it becoming boring - it is important to give the action some space to develop, and this seems like a 'Slow Burn' story. You are crediting your reader with intelligence, having confidence that they will stick with you. Are we looking at yet another gold medal? I hope so.

Your synopsis confused me a bit, but the first chapter of your children's tale intrigued me. Your writing and character development draws me in.

Patricia
Agnes et Yves

Hi Simon, have been reading chapters 1-6. Couldn't stop actually. You seem to have a small page turner here, which is surprising. In chapter two you establish a great sense of place with the undergrowth in the old garden, and the discovery of the broken statue is a great moment.
In ch.3 I was slightly jolted when Amber's POV first appeared, but then got used to the pattern. Liam is having a summer to remember.
There's a great naturalness about your dialogue and about how you let relationships fall into place. Liam's attachment to Amber's family is so understandable it feels as if it's destined. And you have a mystery enfolding naturally as well.
So well done.

In chapter 2 you continue to excel in one area that you did in chapter 1 as well. Dialogue. I suck at dialogue, but I know good dialogue when I see it. You really capture the kid's voices well--they say things that kids would say, the way kids would say them. but you also show the kid-adult dynamic well as well, even in conversation between two kids, which I like. It gives the story a good crossover potential for an older audience as well as your younger audience.

The downfall for me would be that I'm initially intrigued about the wall and what's on the other side, but it just wasn't enough for me to carry the story through what I've read. However, I am not the same age as your audience, who will be able to connect to the story in other ways as well. The story is well written and I think will do best with it's intended audience, though like I said, I do see potential for crossover as well--it's just not something that hooks me enough on a personal level. (But then again, I'm in my 20's and a woman--I usually read books from the POV of women in my age group... and when I read a male POV it's usually horror.)

I hope that my feedback is helpful in some sort of way, but you might be better off assuming it as useless since I'm not your intended audience.

Things I thought could be better:
Tighten up the pacing in the scenes that aren't as important to the opening, particularly after the talk with his mom in the bedroom. The middle of the chapter is more the issue than the beginning and the end.
Improve clarity that the mother had died and how. At first I thought it was a divorce. Unless this is intentional.
I also felt like the first chapter jumped around too much--too much going on for a first chapter (football team, pencils, people buying houses, etc... the wall and the mother I think are the important parts and I'd try to zoom in on that as much as possible.

Things I loved:
The dialogue in the room.
The ending.
The attention to detail.

On the whole, well written. I really love how he kept that from his mother without knowing why. That was the most interesting thread throughout the whole first chapter. Going to read another chapter :)

This is brilliant now. Liam's reluctance to admit to a 'childhood' is just right, and the laptop section is all of a continuous piece with the rest.
Will back this tomorrow night. Best of luck, Julia

Simon,
I'm a mature adult or so I think and found "Leaving 1989" entrancing nevertheless. Liam's irrepressible curiosity about things hidden and unknown reminded me so much about myself as a kid so the bond was quickly established as I progressed into your book. The pose was clear and concise, the dialogue unclkuttered. Thank you so much for the delightful read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

I left a comment last night, but for some reason it did not register...

Ch 1. the opening chapter is so moving, it brought a tear. You capture the world of a year nine boy so well: the self- conscious ness - not wishing to be seen doing the crab walk- the innocence including not being able to stop himself from lying to his mother. the activity or running hands along walls is special to memories of childhood,and walls have an importance they lose later, firm boundaries being so fundamental to the child's life.
I'm not sure if 14 year olds do so much looking back though. I think they are more inclined to focus on the future.

One suggestion, if you don't mind. That you begin at the paragraph with Liam walking between the wall and his mother. It seems to me so much more positive to begin outside, with something of symbolic importance to him, the subject of your book, and there's a forward movement to it, which is absent from the computer screen. Besides the writing from that paragraph is so lovely. It is where i became fully engaged. The mother's death could do with a bit of space, I think, too. You end with a real hook to read on. The girl in the overgrown garden.

I shall read on and report back as and when. Meanwhile, starred and listed. Julia

Ouch, this was tough. Stunning moment when you shift from the mum leaping around after the football to being gone - it'll be uncomfortable reading for some. But your prose style is very clear and you inhabit Liam's head very well. Superior young adult stuff, the type of books you rarely see any more in the world of wizards and fantasy trilogies, etc. You even hint at a world I know and a year of my childhood I remember very fondly.

P

This is my favorite of your three books. You just keep getting better and better. Ive backed this and starred it and wish you the best of luck. I can't imagine that a publisher wouldn't see you as a sure bet!

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle
The Weight of Water

Hey Simon, I 'll start with the picth and then comment on the chapters as I read them...

The picth is full of hooks and it sounds like an interesting read... I would turn a page from just this, but I think you can make it better.

The decisions are theirs (who's?) to make or not, but they better be very (don't think you need very) aware there will be consequences (what consequences).
Liam has spent years wondering what lies on the other side of the wall. When he finally (finally is a weak adverb..you can find something that's more plain and direct) finds out, a packet of crisps (not sure what crisps are) seals his friendship with Amber.

Discovery after discovery (the echo takes me out and makes me think about the words...is there another way fo saying this) in the old house Amber's parents have just bought lead to crucial decisions that might just change everything (what's everything and why is that important). Can Liam find a way to get back what he has lost? (what has he lost) Or will he, in the process, lose everything, including Amber and himself.

The only people they can rely on are those whose lives they have unwittingly destroyed. If Liam and Amber can't convince them to help, it may be the last thing they ever get to do. (it may be the last....good hook)

Aimed at 12-14 year-olds. Complete at 73,000 words, but this will come down as I rewrite for the 2nd draft.

If you're picthing this to an agent or pub house...you need to tell them more about the story.

On to the first chapter!

Cheers,
Dwayne

First off, I think you need to write the opening better. You can do much better than “his mouth dropped open”. I think you should make the wall describe his reaction so that Liam and the wall are immediately linked. Come up with some detail of the wall that feeds us Liam’s response to it. But I love the sudden appearance of a wall – simple image but how strikingly eloquent of certain moments of childhood.
Making him walk like a crab is great. Trying to work something out by counting its components is great too. These are details that take us back to childhood, make us remember its triumphs and difficulties.
The wall’s made him lie to his mum for the first time – like this a lot. The wall assumes a cleaving power as if it’s going to force him to break with his old world.
Change 15 to fifteen.
The zip starting to break is another great subtle image – a prophecy of dawning vulnerability.
Like that the wall is compelling him to exercise his imagination, shift his perspective. These are all very authentic and poignant childhood challenges. And that he loses a tiny part of his identity when he finally manages to gain his first peek over the wall.
Google Earth – our first response is a slight whiff of hostility towards Google earth, as if it’s tampering somehow with the much greater gift of imagination. Interesting that Liam rejects it and wants firsthand experience instead.
There’s always a kind of hidden map, a treasure trail in your visions of childhood which leads to wisdom. I think you can probably crank up the prose a notch but architecturally I think this is great and is fabulously articulate of the secret life of being a child.

To be blunt as blunt can be, I don’t like the name or the cover. The cover doesn’t scream YA and it’s plain and boring. And the name reminded me of 1984, the book, something I didn’t want to be reminded of. I have no suggestions for a name or cover, in that respect I am completely unhelpful. But I am here to be honest.

The Short Pitch:

Not digging the short pitch. Think it would work better as: Before you decide make sure you know the consequences. Or there are consequences to every decision. I dunno.

Long pitch:

Love the long pitch. It lets me know pretty much all I need to know. Wouldn’t mind a bit more about the secrets? Is this Fantasy? Paranormal? Just kid stuff. Kind of want to know the hurtle. But I did love the longer pitch.

Chapter One:

This was a slow start for me. I know the purpose of the talk of the wall and the passage of time is to show how long he wanted to know about this wall, but it was awkward reading it. It wasn’t until halfway through the chapter that I settled in and felt you found your groove. I liked the google maps, it sets the time for me, and I enjoy Liam’s persistence and like the way you paint him. It is a very child like thing to do to be obsessed with something one moment only to forget it the next.

To be honest, I still don’t know what his secret is? Finding the gate?

I don’t want to be discouraging, but this first chapter covered too much time for me. It is for YA and I felt it fell short of the YA mark I’ve read in the past little bit. Not sure the mystery of the gate and wall is enough to make a teenager/middle grader read on.

A real kick in the gut and what really tempted me to read the next chapter is the last line to this chapter. His mom died. And why she did it. She killed herself? I was curious as to where this came from. 

Chapter Two

Right off the bat, I like chapter two much more. I like Amber. Just the scene of her curiosity and getting stuck made me like her. Amber feels rounded. We know what she likes, her hobbies, and she has a bit of an attitude that I admire. The time passage in this chapter is handled better. I like the relationship between Father and daughter, and even father and mother, but there is something missing between Mother and Daughter. Not sure if I am reading into this.

Love the pencil Liam dropped is now in Amber’s hands. Intrigued to see what is so great about this house and what it holds for this family.

Chapter Three

Really liked this. The chapters really are getting better and better. Sad about him standing over his mothers
tombstone telling her about his passion. But the theft of the ladder and him tumbling over. The instant chemistry between Amber and Liam is believable. I love their interaction. So happy over the dialogue here. It’s really smooth and not jarring. It is the way teenagers talk. And the trust and growth of their friendship isn’t forced or contrived. It feels right. It’s nice to see them together. From this point, I would definitely read on.

Your writing is very clean in this chapter, flows well...this interaction stuff is really where you excel. Amber has a lot of quirks. Would like to see more about Liam’s personality, other than his obsessing over the fence and grief over his mother.

Chapter Four

This interaction is interesting. Didn’t learn much from this chapter other than they both have a little crush on one another. Sort of felt this was being used as filler. Though I do love the breakdown of the house, was hoping for a bit more detail in here. Still think dialogue and character interaction are your talents. Not that your narrative isn’t good, but your characters really come to life when they talk.

Wondering about their connection. Is it something more? Are they being forced together by the cosmos?
Kismet? Wanting to know more.

I am also looking forward to conflict, what these two will get up to, or what they find in the old house.

Chapter Five

Love the exploring in this chapter and the statue. I keep waiting for something big to come. I think I might be impatient. This is chapter five...I am almost through everything and I have yet to sniff a conflict in the least, save for the reasonable hesitation from Amber’s parents.

Chapter Six

AH. Here we are. I feel bad for Liam. I do. But man I feel sympathy for his dad. He obviously loved the mother and his son really is slipping away. The father is alone and Liam is going to fill his life with Amber and her
family. They are a really easy family to slip into and he’s getting comfortable already. The end of this chapter is really what I was looking forward to. A finding of a mysterious key by the shadow finger. Really very well written this little bit.

I would read on.

Honestly, I think the first chapter needs work. It didn’t have the same feel as the rest of the chapters. I think it was all the passage of time. What I wanted to really say is, I love the other chapters. I was hoping for something to happen sooner. 11K into the book and we get our first BIG piece of mystery. I don’t know, I feel like since it is YA it should happen sooner. ? Maybe.

I like the development of the characters so far. Though I feel Amber is more fleshed out than Liam.
I like your writing style it isn’t overly flowery and it has a crispness to it. I don’t nitpick, but did notice quite a few ‘just’ and they could be weeded out. That’s all I really noticed.

I spent the evening reading this and I am thrilled that I got past chapter one. I am really liking where the plot is going. You have a great ensemble of characters. Enough emotional turmoil, but it isn’t over done. Two sort of unlikely friends who think each other are nifty. A great YA plot.

Good luck with this, Simon.

Janie Loveless – White Trash

P.S. That dimple in Liam’s chin, does it match your adorable dimple?
Xo
;)