Circles through Time

JD - the return read. I've never published nor had any literary training so feel free to deal with my comments as you wish. I'm also not usually someone who reads fantasy, although that does offer a wide spectrum of options.

An intriguing opening Chapter. The first person MC always offers the potential to let the reader right into the mind and 'live' the story, and you do that. You've taken the read running with a clear storyline supported with, at times, some graphic descriptions and injected the odd piece of humour along the way. It didn't really hook me as well as some books here though and here's my thoughts.

Michaela (Max's) reactions don't strike me as real. You do say that kicking the box was stupid and it is. But the box is kicked, and then she's poking around with a swiss army knife. I felt you could have taken us more slowly into the mystery of it's contents in a more believable manner - the knife works.

Then later when Max casually goes to be with a sphinx at the end of the bed, I also didn't get a sense of the confusion she would be going through until she started walking across the graves. The story is there I just sense you can tighten up on her reactions. There is a story and the final line is the page turner every first Chapter needs.

Chapter 2 and I've no comments on typos or grammar. With the sense of waking with the necklace on, someone at home, and the girl disappearing from behind the car you're keeping the mystery moving but perhaps too much? This would read better for me if you took the pace slower.

Then in work and this reads well. The dialogue is neat, driving the characters - the interaction with the guard is good. Then we lead into the premonition with Jeffrey and for me this is much better now. She is 'aware' without yet being sure why - I'd leave the sceptre of death away - again I think this is overkill.

Chapter 3 and the setting to the story and the pace works. You've introduced her parents, added another layer of depth to the story and it flows. But where's the necklace. In Chapter 2 it was glued to her neck and now no mention? Then the final drama with the blood filled moon jumps to her knowing about men with UZi's but no explanation of the link. Also small point but Interpol are not operational merely, coordinating mailing support.

JD - the writing and the premise are there. I would suggest build the mystery more slowly and stay with the Egyptian theme. When she cried incoming, I was expecting her to have a premonition of a plane about to crash. That someone is trying to communicate with Max and keeps sitting just on the edge of her psyche/vision is what pulled me. As I said I'm not your obvious reader for this genre, but trust that assists. Best. Steve

J D, this book has great potential!
Your plot is unique and very intricate... it must have required a lot of research! You manage to portray facts in an interesting way that ensures that the reader's interest is not lost. This has great pace and your characters are really well written.
Michaela's voice and the narater really works and her humour keeps the novel really upbeat. You have written her relationships with the other characters extremely well, and her emotions are both believable and relatable.


This is a good piece of writing that just needs a little bit of polishing. I would advise you to check through your work for typos and missing words etc. I would also be mindful of word repition as sometimes i felt that some words could have been substituted to make the sentences more interesting and to improve their flow. For example, in the first chapter you wrote I was going to enjoy my breakfast before curling up on the sofa with a good book before spending a leisurely day doing nothing.’. If you substituted the word before for something else, it would make the sentence read much better. I would also consider having a look over your punctuation in places as sometimes, if there were a few more commas the sentences would flow a bit better. In addition, it might be useful to add a bit of an introduction to chapter 10, as for me personally, it felt like the story jumped which was a little disorientating. However, these are minor issues which could be easily rectified.

Please, Please, Please upload more though, as i am now officially hooked and need to hear what happens next! :)

On my WL for now until there is room on my shelf and 4 stars!

Best wishes, Amy

JD - I've commented on this through the RWSG, but I wanted to add my support here. You've got a great idea (very complex but you deal with it simply and well). There are typos here and there (aren't there always), and I'd be inclined to look at the dialogue and make more use of contractions. Fantasy isn't a genre I choose often, because generally the world's and people are unbelievable. However, you're off to a good start as it's grounded in the real world and then breaks off into alternative histories etc. I'll admit to skimming some of the more fantastical stuff (the dreams with the Earth, the Priestess and the Sphinx) because that's really where my BPD brain switches off as it's too far into fantasy. But the rest is gripping and you're really worked hard to ratchet up the tension in those opening chapters.

Good sense of intrigue.
I can only suggest you are telling too much instead of allowing it to unfold through atmosphere, emotion, senses etc.
Did the skin prickle or something catch the corner of my eye, my heart beat as if it was my head driving me crazy.
I jumped when the fridge began to whir as it usually would every night at 11:00 but tonight as i listened more closely something wasn't right. I could sense it. A shadow crossed the door way. My gut wrenched and I froze, so much for my valiant self that I thought would stand up and fight. I was petrified clinging to the lounge as a child to its mother. I saw my golf club in the corner resting against the cupboard from a day long gone when I practiced religiously. The thought of the club in my hand and the back swing I almost perfected momentarily gave me courage to stand and shuffle slowly toward it. Mother would be proud she'd always said I could use it if I needed on an intruder. etc.

The golf club - how did it feel? Clumsy? Exhilarating? Sweaty palms causing it to slip? Did they have a practice swing?
Make the most of the suspense.

Good luck

~Circles Through Time~

What a wonderful read!!! Max is such a character that I enjoyed every bit of it. And I LOVE the length of your chatpers, they kept me engaged with the story and they got right to the point. Each chatper was easy to get through and I just couldn't stop reading them.

The very first paragraph pulls you right into the story and I like how the writing is more in the head of Max then going on and on with description :)

I hope you continue to add more chapters because I would LOVE to see where the story goes from chapter 9 on :)

-Courtney
The Echoes

Circles through Time

SP: Great!

LP: Very good. Here are my suggestions:

I hold the fate of the world in my hands. I’m supposed to make a decision that will change the course of evolution. Only, I have no idea what that entails. I’ve ended up having to run for my life.

On the bright side, I have visions to guide me; a friendly helper and my tag along: Altantin Russner, a cop, who also happens to be my childhood ex.

This all started with a little brown box with my name scrawled on it and a broken crystal, the “Key to my Destiny.” I’m aware that I must go back, to go forward, since history is the key to saving the future. If I fail we all lose.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s refreshing to read a piece written in first person. I enjoyed being pulled into the MC’s head. The writing has a fast pace thriller feel which moves the story along. I’d watch out using the word “I” too much. I know that’s hard to do when your write in first person but it’s one of the things you’ll need to struggle to fix. Happy to back when shelf space allows!

Jaen Wirefly
The Royst 3DX

JD, I like the short pitch, but the long pitch almost drove me away. It was only be reading the comments that I thought I should take a look. I suggest, first, that you tighten the LP, make it more compelling, and remove the Dan Brown reference. I think of the LP as like a blurb on a dust jacket. Fortunately, this is a minor issue, but having a long pitch with punch will grab more readers for you.

You waste no time building the tension in your first chapter, the sense of menace, etc. I can't tell you how many times experienced professionals have said they like to see a fast start to a book, something that can hook the reader right away. I think you're succeeding at that with your first chapter. I'll try to come back and read more when I can. I'm a newbie on the site, so I'm still just getting my feet wet.

Mark

Hi Jacqueline,

Well, I've give you a read as part of my thanks for your help. You have a brilliant idea, oh I was gripped at times by it, and it is so incredibly original. Yet at other times I was rather dismayed with the whole thing - and I can pin that down to two things.

1. The responses of Max and others to her problems. The principle one being the message on the window in chapter one. It didn't feel real and almost as if it were glossed over. I mean, I can't understand how she wasn't freaked out...and then thre reactions to the heart attack too. And also her father's response to the bomb threat. It all felt a little surreal and drew me away from the characters and story. They made me feel confused and made me find Max really annoying as she wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know and made her and every other character feel like they weren't people.

2. The novel very felt like it was divided into dialogue and prose. It felt like a movie script at times and you certainly should consider breaking up the longer sections of prose into paragraphs. It was very easy to get lost in them and made reading difficult as you didn't get an impression of moving from one point to another.


But onto the positives. I didn't enjoy the first chapter because of the two above things, but from the beginning of the second chapter I was hooked. I mean it just showed how brilliant the idea was and the second chapter really was incredibly well done. It was what triggered me to keep on reading and it had a huge amount of intrigue added to it - I mean what the hell was going on? For the most part the characters felt like real people. I really enjoyed it.

The third chapter was better than the first but at times felt a little long-winded, yet you managed to keep up the intrigue and interest you had developed in the first.

I hope I've been some help.

Joe

Title: It sounds poetic, but really doesn’t give me a sense of the novel. But how would I know? I don’t know what the novel is about. First impression.

Cover. Interesting. The name could be bigger...and the title. But otherwise, is there a hoodie on a statue? It’s a bit dark and the thumbnail is teeny weeny.

Short Pitch: Bit vague. Maybe a bit clichéd as ‘hang in the balance’ is a cliché, no?

Long Pitch: hmmm. Always interesting when chosen to write it from the first person.

The sentence starting: Only, I have no idea...rewrite to: Only, I have no idea what that entails, but I’ve ended up having to run for my life, a la Dan Brown.

Wondering if there is too much information on here.

Certainly serves the purpose of intriguing the reader.

Chapter One:

I have this dream every night and some part of me knows that this is not a dream...umm but you just said it IS a dream...what about: I have this dream every night and part of me knows it isn’t just a dream. –this way, it’s a dream, but something else. You know?

Of what, I don’t know because I can’t remember my dream. – Don’t need ‘my dream’, we know what you are talking about and don’t use the word over and over...Of what, I don’t know, because I can’t remember it.

--my dream is every informative...—what does this mean? Do you mean, very informative? And is it supposed to be sarcastic? Because it doesn’t sound very informative.

Come my, very irritated, boss’ voice. –awkward—comes the voice of my very irritated boss. Better!

As I boot my toe on the bathroom door jam – stub my toe would be better.

You don’t need to tell us he stops talking –the dash does it for us. I’d just have the dash and then have I see a flicker of movement in the mirror and stop. Maybe?

--but there is no one there. –there twice? No need—but no one is there. Or but I find no one.

...not a huge fan of horror genre on a good day. – not a fan of the horror genre on a good day. (I’d put ‘the’ in.
Makes it less awkward)

It is all I could do. To even contemplate the rest would send me nuts. – Don’t understand this. I would develop this.
As a reader I am stumped.

...is going to 5 inches of squishiness. – First, is going to be 5 inches of squishiness...makes more sense. But I don’t understand anyways. Squishiness? Huh? Like she’s going to beat him to a pupl? Yes?

...for now many years. – hmmm—odd turn of phrase. ...for many years now.

These people are really calm about the message in the mirror. I’m pretty sure I would have crapped my pants. To say the least.

I take a grateful sip of coffee...—ditch ‘of coffee’ because we know it is coffee, you just told us.

When you have action after dialogue, you don’t need a comma, just when it is a speech tag.

Examples:

“Whoa there, Max. Sit down,” Jeffrey guides me to the chair and sits me down. –should be—“Whoa there, Max. Sit down.” Jeffrey guides me to the chair and sits me down.

“Oh honey, not you too,” Mel comes over to see if I am ok. –should be—“Oh, honey, not you too.” Mel comes over to see if I am ok.

Just mentioning it because I’ve seen it a few times and I don’t think it is correct. Well, not in my head. But then, a lot of things aren’t correct in my head. And I am often wrong. But this is how I see it in books and how I write. So, just passing the advice along.

Not sure what’s with the mixing of tense:

The feeling of dread was now back and more intense than before. (Past)

It was going to be a long afternoon(past) and I need re-enforcements (present)

The feel of dread is now back and more intense than before.

It is going to be a long after and I need re-enforcements.

I noticed this once or twice. Not sure why there is the flip there. Like when he thinks What the hell was that all about? – it should be—“What the hell is this all about?”

I noticed you show and tell, in the same paragraph. Like tell us the images make him very jumpy (tell) and then show us tritching at every little sound and sudden movement. I would advise you to watch this. It’s a bit of overwriting and the reader is being told the same thing more than once.

There is a bit of repetition going on in this first chapter I think if you weeded some of it out you’d have a more presentable first chapter. For example, the dream. You mention and remention it a lot. Too much in my opinion. I would thin this out.

I would also look into the reaction everyone has about the mysterious message in the mirror. Everyone seemed to take this in stride. Not very believable.

I like the ensemble of cast members we have here. There is a unique blend and you’ve depicted a great friend base well developed with camaraderie and trust. You also have believable dialogue and enough that makes the chapter go by quick enough, so the pacing is also on your side.

Chapter Two

In the narrative, I think the voice could be stronger.

Example: the first paragraph.

I’d write it like this:

The sense of foreboding is getting worse and it’s compounded by a sick feeling, almost like I’m suffering from motion sickness. Maybe Mel is right, I might be coming down with something. I knock on the nurse’s station.

That’s my opinion, but I don’t like overdoing personal pronoun starts and this beginning is a bit sparse for voice for me.

“That’s doesn’t work.” – that doesn’t work.

Freaking out now. – no tone behind this. The next set of questions shows us he is freaking out, so don’t tell us.

...before I head off set. --- I move off set...—these two sentences are repeating themselves.

Do a search on the word ‘that’ and see if you can weed some of them out. Often it does nothing to improve a sentence and can be eradicated without affecting the narrative.

Examples:

...and I notice that he is pale. – and I notice he is pale.

...me hopes that I am wrong...—me hopes I am wrong...

...distinct feeling that I am not alone...--...distinct feel I am not alone...

...useful which is not all that often...—useful which isn’t often...

It would just make the narrative flow better and if you become reliant on it a reader will notice, like me, now. Of course, sometimes you can’t remove it or we use it for emphasise, but you have quite a few and it’s best to be aware of this pesky word, as I often find myself weeding it out of my own work.

I like the idea here, but I think narrative needs work. I found myself detached from the events happening. I was being told and showed them which really frustrated me as a reader. The repetition and the retelling of things decreased the pace and fluidity of the piece.

I think you have interesting characters.

The dialogue works.

And I think the premise is interesting.

I’d work on cleaning up the narrative. I know that is broad and general, but I think I’ve given some good examples on how this could be brushed up.

I do like stopping by people's work that I talk to in the forum just to see what they are working on. Keep working. I think by polishing your prose you could have something special here. Really enjoyed the idea of him being controlled by something else, asking or wanting to say one thing, but being unable to. That would be frightening.

Good Luck with this

T.L Tyson – The Reign of Billie Blackwater

There is an intriguing core in this story, but you do need a major rewrite. It feels rushed and chatty. You don't give us time to like Max or any of the other characters. It's like you're trying to get to the supernatural elements without building up anything else.

I do understand the desire to get to the point, but you jam so many points of interest between the major events that I just felt manic reading.

As I said at the beginning, there's an intriguing premise to this story that I could be compelled to want to think about, but you need to do some thinking about what is essentially to the story and what is not needed and how to slow things down and pace the reading experience.

I did scan down through the other comments and I think Belchman in particular has some good advice for you, although pretty much all of the longer crits are worth considering.

Please get this message -- you have a good story premise here. Don't take our criticism badly. With work, this could be something quite good, maybe even great.

Lauri (Lela Markham - The Willow Branch)

Hey JD Regan

This is a Brutal Honesty Group Review

I saw your forum post about deciding when your novel was done and decided to have a look. I read the first chapter and the biggest thing that stood out was the voice of the narrator. The key to a successful first person narrative is being able to connect that narrator with the reader and I think you have done this.
I was a little shocked by how interesting every member of your mc's family was. I also got a kick that she has a archaeology degree(I'm an archaeologist) yet she does make up for a living. I'm sure there is a good story that will explain this.
I am wondering about the strength of your hook. The nightmare seems to be your hook yet it falls somewhat flat because she can't remember it. I'm not suggesting you start your story with a nightmare. Having your mc experience a nightmare and then wake up is such a cliche opening. Maybe if you could somehow let us get a little deeper into your mc's mind and feel her sense of unease it would strengthen this opening.
For example: "breathed a sigh of relief" appears in your second sentence. This to me is borderline cliche. You need something stronger, something visceral so we are disturbed and then share her relief when she realizes she is dreaming.
A couple of details things: She's a hours drive from work yet after calling her boss she manages to jump in the shower and make the drive in 40 minutes.
Also you state outright your mc's height and hair color. I think it would be preferable to let this detail come out later in the chapter in a more natural way. Maybe as she stares up at a 6ft guy or something.
I'm going to have to read a bit more to get a feel for this. I am wondering if you have started your novel at the correct place. What I mean by this is the opening dream seems like a common recurring event for her, so this is not really the type of thing that is life changing.
The big event in this chapter is her touching the guy and getting the premonition receive
continued from below:

I think I need to work on my wordiness.

As I was saying the big event of the premonition could use a little more attention in this chapter. I'm a little afraid it gets buried in the middle of the chapter. You do bring it back when her friends talk to her at the end of the chapter but I think it might be interesting to have the event haunt her throughout the day. You already hint at this but perhaps if you have her keep flashing back and experiencing it again it will help build tension.

I really like your dialogue. I still think it could use some trimming, but I'm crazy for tight dialogue.

BHCG

Plot- Your first line of your pitch would be perfect. You don’t need the 2nd line. It makes the reader want to know what’s in the balance.
Mysterious box brings you on a journey; in a way in your long pitch you are introducing us to your MC, her language and personality. I find pitches hard and haven’t found any that I’ve liked all that much (mine included). How do you sum up 80K in 200 words?
The idea is tried and true everyone wants to know why what got where.

Pacing-In the first few chapters it was good as far as what happened when. I didn’t feel a drag and it made me want to go to the next chapter. I did enjoy the book, but had an issue with readability. I found myself having to reread parts to make sure I understood who said what. I’m not sure why and hopefully someone more knowledgeable can convey it better than me.

Characters-Max is well defined. I did get confused a little by the other characters. Could have been me. It usually takes me a while to figure them out when they are jumping in and out of the situation. That being said Mel’s long definition on Dispirin seems out of character for her, I know you give an explanation for why she knows this, but it seems clinical and not natural dialog. More like a commercial for the drug than what friends would say to each other. I know you’re trying to explain to the reader so they can keep up, but most people know about aspirin. If they don’t a simple “didn’t you see that commercial about the grandmother who was saved because her grandson gave her a Dispirin?” Just a suggestion.

POV- Max goes between 1st and 2nd person (I think) Talking to the reader directly. I don’t mind, but I’ve found that some people crit it negatively. You might want to either have Max talk more to the reader or not at all.

Style- This is a story I’d read, but like I said before there were readability issues that I can’t pinpoint.

Sentence level- First chapter “If I could remember the damn thing I could figure out what’s bugging me but no,….” Should be “…what’s bugging me, but no,…”
“Yes my dream is every informative.” Should be “very”?
No need to say “3am in the morning…” choose am or morning. Doing both is repetitive and not necessary.
“….since I did an Archaeology degree…” since I “had”…
“So come, on what happened?” instead “So come on, what happened?”
Really long paragraphs. Look at breaking them apart. It seems that unless someone speaks you have no break in them. Especially in the 3rd chapter.
Also commas. You seem to never use one before a but. I have a website that’s been helping me, but I’m nowhere near doing it as 2nd nature and I just found it so I haven’t even got my books edited to this point
http://englishplus.com/grammar/00000068.htm
I understand you’re in the editing stage and I’m just as bad when I first type up I don’t put in the commas and after that it’s hard to find where they need to go.

Originality-This is a formula that works. It’s different in that you have Max unable to control the words is a new twist that these adventure type books don’t have.
Publishability- With a clean up the story is there.

Star rated.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An interesting start. A fun, fiesty main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'It is now 3am in the morning and I'm late for work.' '3am' should be '3 a.m.' or, better yet, 'three a.m.' There are more cases where time is written incorrectly. Also, since you write 'in the morning,' you don't need 'a.m.' Consider just writing 'three in the morning.'
2) 'I'm 5 foot 8 inches, skinny as a reed, blue eyed red head who's having a bad day.' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where you should spell out numbers. 'Skinny as a reed' is cliche. Consider creating a new similie for 'thin.' Also, hyphenate 'blue eyed.'
3) 'Is there a problem ma'am?' he asked. Comma after 'problem.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue and didn't offset their name or title with a comma.
4) 'When I touched his arm I felt a tingle run up my arm ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the feeling so vividly that the reader will experience it along with Michaela. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story and 'I felt' will be implied.
5) 'I slowly come back to reality but was every disoriented and dizzy.' 'Every' should be 'very.'
6) 'I'm sorry. I'm just ~' Replace the tilde ( ~ ) with an em-dash. An em-dash indicates interrupted speech. A tilde doesn't carry that connotation.
7) 'Nice one. And you're mother?' You're (contraction for you are) should be your (possessive pronoun).
8) 'Yeah, so dad's trying to talk her out of it.' Capitalize 'dad's.' In this context, 'dad's' is a proper noun and should be capitalized.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a fabulous day.

Al

DESTINY OR CHOICE?

a BHCG review

COVER: one of the generics. Never a good selling point and this site is largely about marketing (along with polishing/networking/slacking(heh) Please let me know if I can help you out with one http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/51100/free-book-cover-/

TITLE: Not selling me at all. Reads slightly pretentious and possibly non-fiction feel more than fiction.

SHORT PITCH: Nope, sorry JD, this actually has a "don't waste your time" feel to me. Imagine reading "Did you create God or did God create you?" as a pitch...might attract some readers but many/most would just roll their eyes and take a pass.

LONG PITCH: Really? Do you like to be approached with question after question when looking for books to read?
Do you like long walks in the park? How many peaches make the best pie?
First paragraph is too vague to really capture my interest...maybe a few more details about why running for life/what part of human evolution/what a Childhood ex is/what is so painful she needs pain killers. The kicked me in the teeth line reads a bit corny. and the second paragraph is...well...more of the same as the first...the vague questioning is annoying to read really. Sorry, but it all reads a bit too boney without enough meat and even if I made it past the bad title, I'd put this quickly down on the pitches alone. Just one person's opinion and well, I'm unpublished so probably not worth listening to.

TEXT:
if you only knew how many stories I've come across here that begin with telling a dream/waking from a dream/in a dream...I had a similar problem with Bulb at one point. Quickly corrected once I learned how it comes across.

"Taken down a mugger or two" ?? I don't know...I'm already questioning this character's verisimilitude with lines like that.

wow, and giving you're mc's description like that with no real reason other than to convey it to a reader...delete delete delete...I don't need it that badly. Jeffrey could call her "hey sexy" and that's all I'd need. if at all. sorry!!

being type 1, its always fun to find a character with Diabetes as well heh.

"congratulated Julie"? I'd probably just leave it at "Julie said" and add some quick action that shows her support.
Also, 'Name said' is overwhelmingly what most people use in modern novels. if 'said name' is found, it's more often in YA...but certainly it could be a taste issue and there Are some who use the 'said Name' version that aren't YA.

I don't know...after this chapter and the generic cover and the pitches and the title...can't see moving on to chapter 2...sorry. I'd say the first chapter is lacking exactly what the pitches are.

Best of luck,
-=Bradley

Hi - I have read through your first chapter and while I like the idea of where the book is headed I did find this first chapter a bit heavy going. And I don't buy that her boss would be quite so sympathetic about her being late for work because of a nightmare. If you mention more of a friendship between them here it maybe more believeable. But I like your style of writing, it is a good idea for a novel and I like your initial pitch about choosing destiny, I have a similar opening pitch for mine about coincidence or fate. Keep up with the writing and I will add this to my watchlist for now! Mae.

The pitch is excellent, gripping, and from what I've read of the book it is equally well-written. It's also humour-filled, entertaining writing, a kind I very much enjoy. Backed! :D

Hi JD,

I've just started reading. So far I like what I see. I'll post something more complete once I actually read more than the first few words :).

BHG

Title: Hmm. A bit weird sounding (I think coz its a question) but okay, I'll go with it.

Short Pitch: Couldn't make sense of your short pitch. Maybe its just me but it sounds like you've written it with all this knowledge you already have of the book and then somehow think the reader also has this same insights. Remember a person will quickly read a short pitch (supposed to hook a reader) so make it as simple and clear as possible. That way you'll have them reading on to your long pitch.

Long Pitch: This is much better. It had me intrigued as to the story-line. It sounds fascinating.

Chapter One:
Mixed tense: My day has not started well and I have the worst feeling in the world that it was (should be IS) only going to get worse.

Okay as I read on I have noted that there's a definite tense issue all over the text. When the narrative starts (BTW I like your use of first person) it is present tense but then when the dialogue starts it shifts to past tense. I think you should choose one and go with it coz it jars when you shift like that. So for instance, the first line of dialogue should read "Where the hell are you?" comes the very irritated boss' voice.

"Hi, Mel. I'm going to be late," I say down the phone whist stifling a curse as I boot my toe on the bathroom door jam ... and so on. I actually think present tense is a much more active voice to use and since you started it off that way, you might consider continuing with it.

** A tap on my window (BRINGS) my attention to the security guard who (HAS) just come out of his gate control room.
** ... that's another (five) minutes I'm not (at) work.

Okay, I think this is a good juncture to let you know that whereas the story so far is moving along quite nicely for me, I'm getting frazzled with all the mixed tenses and grammatical issues. I'm going to stop pinpointing them now so that I can focus on the story's development and give a critique on that. But I really think you should work through these as soon as possible.

There's a part where you want to let the reader know that Thomas is Max's twin but the way you do it does not sound natural. You put it in dialogue. I'd rather you found another way to let us know that Max has a twin. Coz people who know both of them well will refer to them by name and so would Max. (of course, this is debatable so please ignore me if you don't agree :)

Chapter two is paced well. There's a moment of tension when Max has to save Jeffrey's life. I like the way you are unfolding the mystery. In a way Max realizes there are some unusual powers that she's accessing but then again there could be rational explanations to her actions, long term memory playing out.

All in all I find that the characterization is really well done. Max's at least. the other cast of characters are also shaping up nicely but since Max is the narrator it was easy to see how well you've developed her.
The dialogue is also good.

There are bits here and there where there are typos/ grammatical errors even in the dialogue that would make it read awkwardly but once you fix those up I'm sure they'll read smoothly.

I do see this as an original work that would garner publication interest.

I've rated it and WL for now. I do wish you the very best with this.

Kari

JD - here's the promised repeat BHG crit.

You're right, you have changed your opening, and it reads more smoothly than before, as the drama and pace have slowed.

You tend to mix tenses - in the paragraph starting with the security database, and again in Ch.2. concerning the brain tumour.

That scene probing the mysterious package in Ch.3 while taking instructions on thetelephone is imaginative, and works well. But your paragraphs are far too long. And where did she get all that information about the heiroglyphics?

Again, I admire your imagination, and am intrigued about the contents of that dream...

Jane (Breath of Africa)

BHCG Review

Like we say back home, one good turn deserves another. :)
I liked the short pitch. The long one needs some fine-tuning and some extra punctuations here and there.

Ch 1
It drew me in from the beginning. Fast paced.
What I immediately noticed in the long pitch and early chapter one is that you are missing a few commas and periods, thus giving the impression of run-on sentences. Or like you are rushing.
That introduction with her name, height etc sounded unnatural to me. I prefer for things to unfold naturally in their own time. It sounds more like the author had to find a way to get that information in there. Early.
Short, to-the-point chapter. But I feel like nothing happened. She had a nightmare, woke up late, got to work, then we have some back story. I think it's the end that I'm not sure of.

Ch 2
Overall, good premise. It has my attention and suspense about what is to come. It didn't give too much information away too early.
Funny early dialogue though a little lackluster and could be written differently or tightened up somewhat. Still funny about something taking over her senses/her speech though. Lol.
The spiel by Mel about primary prevention vs acute treatment with regard to aspirin use sounds like textbook and not conversation, like the information had to get in there somehow.

Ch 3
This chapter is suddenly really long, compared to the first 2 chapters. I'm starting to feel like if I don't know what's going on soon, I'll stop reading.
I've read some of this chapter but it's so wordy that I am stopping.

I still don't know what the story is about though. It seems to be something common to fantasy/paranormal. I have only read this genre in critique settings so it's hard for me to have a reference point. Maybe it's supposed to read like this. But then again, maybe not. :)

I think the first two chapters should be one chapter, just so something actually happens in chapter 1.

This is just my opinion, about a genre I don't read. So, only pay attention if it's in line with other people's critiques as well.

All the best.

Stella-Grace Taylor
ANONYMOUS GIFT GIVER.

Destiny or Choice. a BHG crit.
Your pitches are intriguing, and definitely compel me in. I'm not sure about the cover - but perhaps all those circles have a corresponding theme in the book.

Ch.1. Your first paragraph written in the first person, which effectively creates intimacy, invites me further in.
You dont need those commas in 'I retrieved the now dented ugly brown box..' and other similar places further on.
Try and avoid words like just and suddenly, and also exclamation marks. Editors abhor them.
The problem with writing in the first person, unless you are very careful, is that there tend to be an awful lot of 'I's.
Where is the necklace? Round the MC's neck? Oh, I learn later that it's beside the bed. But I'm still slightly confused about why she can see it turn red, when she's trying to sleep, presumably with her eyes shut. Or is it in her dream... perhaps that paragraph needs looking at.
Do you need to say that the dead are senseless.
I make notes as I write, but I'm not an expert, and although I may seem to be doing alot of nit-picking, it's because I think you have a good story here, which just needs some tidying up and refining, in order to take the shape which will do it justice.
Try to break up the long paragraphs. They are hard for the reader to follow, and beware of repeating words.
Who is Gaia?

Ch.2. I love the humour about the golf club and the different set of balls. Your writing flows well, in a natural intimate way, and when you edit out the unnecessary words and some cliches, it will be much stronger.
Dont you mean crowded, not crowed.
Other words which are best avoided: actual and anyway.

Ch.3. In the first paragraph, you repeat yourself rather - using different words. The aim of editors, as I understand it, is sto find stories written in clear crisp English, with no unnecessary embellishment. In places, you write as though you are speaking, which is commendable, but it doesnt always work in print.
Dont you mean your parents decided to settle down... not deceived?
You're straying slightly away from the main POV in the sentence 'She gave me a hug filled with fear for the journey.' Something like 'I could feel her fear as she hugged me before the journey' could avoid that trap.
Did Russner really physically pick her up and put her on a bench?

What excitement! You certainly know how to tell a story, JD. I havent time to read further, but you have caught my imagination. Once the editorial nits are addressed, I can see this becoming a racey read, with definite promise.

I hope this helps.
Jane (Breath of Africa).

JD,

I've read a couple of chapters of Destiny or Choice, so here is your BHCG review.

You're very imaginative, that's clear. Your bio mentions wanting to be a storyteller, which I think is key to being a good author. You've obviously got a story in mind, and it's an interesting experience as a spectator watching you develop your skill in telling it. There's a lot of work here to do, to be honest, but unfortunately writing is a craft, is hard work, and storytelling is just the beginning.

You've chosen a first person narrative, which carries its own challenges. The voice is a bit formal given the intimacy of first-person, especially as at times you seem to shooting for witty, or breezy. The pace is a little frustrating, as the necklace bit happens so fast, and then things drag. I would love more exposition about Michaela, who she is, etc. She lives alone, is she lonely? How old? Before we get the chance to care about her at all, here's this box. As has been said by others, her reactions don't all jive for me. She wakes up and the thing is glued to her skin, and her reaction is to shrug and get breakfast? Not to try to scrape it off or go to the hospital? Characters need to react realistically, in character, and have reasons for the things they do and say, or they aren't believable.

At times I had trouble understanding what was going on. I know that part of that is by design, as Michaela is disoriented or confused. Is the sphinx in her mind or at the foot of her bed? Does it matter? As for dialogue, try listening to how people really speak. Complete declarative sentences are rare, and almost never do you hear the kind of stiff formality your characters engage in.

Take some time with sentence structure; varying it up. You have some wonderful description, but at times it gets lost in muddy syntax. Word usage too should be tighter - do you mean spectre of death (not sceptre) when Jeffrey is having his heart attack?

Please take none of this to mean "you are not an author and should take up knitting". First, knitting is hard too. Second, you're putting words on the page, more than many will, and you're offering it up for criticism, a brave and humbling act. I am no professional (at this, anyway), so take what's useful and leave off the rest. Keep writing, keep reading, and the results will come.

Thanks, and best of luck,

Joe

In my opinion micheala is too beliveing in this. If i were her,I would be screaming and running.Otherwise i like how you write and i just love the story line

I think the main problem with your writing is that you seem too eager to get to the bulk of the action, to the set pieces that advance the rest of the story and you are rushing too quickly through the rest of it. You rush through the dialogue, the inner monologue and all the events that aren't about the main supernatural elements that form the core of the plot.

In the first chapter as far as I can tell you have two main things happen that are important: the discovery of the box and what's in it and the dream. These two events are more then sufficient for the first chapter and are both good introductions but you are rushing through the rest of the narrative to get to them, and once they are passed you are rushing away from them.

You start with her on the floor and then have a slight flashback to the opening of the box, but you are jumping through the flashback and ignoring all the important introductory elements to get back to the fact that she is lead out on the floor, which is exactly where we started about a page ago. There needs to be more introduction, more exposition, more back story to the events that occur before she hears the knock on the door. You need to take your time and allow the story to happen naturally, at it's own pace and let the story go off at some tangents with seemingly extraneous details. As long as the chapter tells us about the box and the necklace does it matter how long it is? Or how many routes Max has to go down before she gets there?

Likewise the second part of chapter one, the dream and what happens after the necklace. This part seems to be the most hurried and poorly thought out. For instance the revelation that she feels connected to the universe. She has a weird feeling, and immediately asks what is it? Oh yeah, she is connected to everything. No confusion, no real thought attached to it, just the simple statement that she is connected to the universe. I feel that you should dwell more on the immediate aftermath of the necklace before you deal with the feelings associated with the dream.
Can't you leave her with a vague feeling, that she slowly begins to understand in the next chapter when she helps Jeffrey? I mean, she pretty much states it explicitly when she is saving him that she feels connected to everything, which to me sounded and felt real (or at least believable despite the suspension of disbelief). I just feel that it should be a slower progression of events that allow for her discovery of her powers to happen at a believable rate.

To me the second chapter is solely predicated on the events with Jeffrey, and you again neglect the rest of the story to rush to that, and then once it has happened you are rushing away from it to get her to go home again. To my mind there are four main centers of action in chapter two, Max in her flat, the journey to work which includes the brief (and I can't help but feel important) talk with the security guard, the incidents with Jeffrey and what happens after.

Now, the first two parts are very brief and under written. They seem to be written solely to explain how she got from point A (her flat) to point B (the film set) and are meaningless apart from that. Can you not have some foreshadowing? Maybe a slight explanation or attempted explanation of her new powers? Maybe you could have her meet someone and have a weird feeling that she ignores, only for that feeling to come back again when she meets Jeffrey and senses his imminent heart attack? Something to add some greater depth to the field of action and the character and the events. I feel as if the meeting with the security guard implies that something bad is going to happen with him and his baby (or at least I guess that was your intention), but again this feels far too rushed and brief for it to mean anything substantial later on. Can you not have a longer conversation?

The fact that the security guard has a name makes him important. you only have a handful of named characters so far in the story. Even the head make up artist isn't named, despite giving a speech that is important because it explains what just happened. This speech is especially troubling to me. I feel as if you just wanted to get that small piece of information across and it didn't matter how you managed it. Is there no way you can make her role bigger and make her more of a known character? Maybe split this small chuck of seemingly needless exposition into an entire conversation? Or have it come from someone else, someone who can legitimately know the effects of disprin on the blood? My advice would be to include this piece of explanation with the conversation with the director and have him tell her just after he tells her that Jeffrey is ok.

Sorry I only managed to read the first two chapters. If you still have the inclination I could read some more and offer more criticism. This was a review for the Brutal Honesty group, but I hope it wasn't too brutal. I did enjoy the story and loved the ideas I saw so far. I actually meant to read more, but I accidentally started my review early and couldn't move it or anything. Sorry.

JD - the return read. I've never published nor had any literary training so feel free to deal with my comments as you wish. I'm also not usually someone who reads fantasy, although that does offer a wide spectrum of options.

An intriguing opening Chapter. The first person MC always offers the potential to let the reader right into the mind and 'live' the story, and you do that. You've taken the read running with a clear storyline supported with, at times, some graphic descriptions and injected the odd piece of humour along the way. It didn't really hook me as well as some books here though and here's my thoughts.

Michaela (Max's) reactions don't strike me as real. You do say that kicking the box was stupid and it is. But the box is kicked, and then she's poking around with a swiss army knife. I felt you could have taken us more slowly into the mystery of it's contents in a more believable manner - the knife works.

Then later when Max casually goes to be with a sphinx at the end of the bed, I also didn't get a sense of the confusion she would be going through until she started walking across the graves. The story is there I just sense you can tighten up on her reactions. There is a story and the final line is the page turner every first Chapter needs.

Chapter 2 and I've no comments on typos or grammar. With the sense of waking with the necklace on, someone at home, and the girl disappearing from behind the car you're keeping the mystery moving but perhaps too much? This would read better for me if you took the pace slower.

Then in work and this reads well. The dialogue is neat, driving the characters - the interaction with the guard is good. Then we lead into the premonition with Jeffrey and for me this is much better now. She is 'aware' without yet being sure why - I'd leave the sceptre of death away - again I think this is overkill.

Chapter 3 and the setting to the story and the pace works. You've introduced her parents, added another layer of depth to the story and it flows. But where's the necklace. In Chapter 2 it was glued to her neck and now no mention? Then the final drama with the blood filled moon jumps to her knowing about men with UZi's but no explanation of the link. Also small point but Interpol are not operational merely, coordinating mailing support.

JD - the writing and the premise are there. I would suggest build the mystery more slowly and stay with the Egyptian theme. When she cried incoming, I was expecting her to have a premonition of a plane about to crash. That someone is trying to communicate with Max and keeps sitting just on the edge of her psyche/vision is what pulled me. As I said I'm not your obvious reader for this genre, but trust that assists. Best. Steve

Destiny or Choise
Fiction, Sci-fi 1st person

Pitch. Really compelling, pulled me right into the story.

Premise, Utter confusion stikes the MC down when a box shows up with a crystal necklace. Now, the MC, Max has to save the world but doesn't know how or what or who or why or anything! She has to revisit history to find out.

Mechanics: A number of missing commas make the reading a little difficult at times. Some of the long paragraphs are a little daunting. Those huge chunks of text might be better broken up.

Pacing: Excellent for the first 4 Chapters. Pages turn themselves. It is a really compelling read. I'd recommend a stronger hook at the end of CH 2.

Characters: utterly real! The MC is cheeky, bright, witty and clumsy... just the person we want to save the world from doom! A good deal of comic relief in this MS keeps it fresh and lively!

Plot: Unique and intriguing! Strongly supported with details and the pacing as well as the characters.

Suggestions: A word by word review is needed to catch the missing words, and the punctuation errors.

Overall: TERRIFIC! I'm very caught up in this story. It's one of the few on this site that has kept my attention for 5 chapters and I still want to read more of it.

Raechel
Echo

J D, this book has great potential!
Your plot is unique and very intricate... it must have required a lot of research! You manage to portray facts in an interesting way that ensures that the reader's interest is not lost. This has great pace and your characters are really well written.
Michaela's voice and the narater really works and her humour keeps the novel really upbeat. You have written her relationships with the other characters extremely well, and her emotions are both believable and relatable.


This is a good piece of writing that just needs a little bit of polishing. I would advise you to check through your work for typos and missing words etc. I would also be mindful of word repition as sometimes i felt that some words could have been substituted to make the sentences more interesting and to improve their flow. For example, in the first chapter you wrote I was going to enjoy my breakfast before curling up on the sofa with a good book before spending a leisurely day doing nothing.’. If you substituted the word before for something else, it would make the sentence read much better. I would also consider having a look over your punctuation in places as sometimes, if there were a few more commas the sentences would flow a bit better. In addition, it might be useful to add a bit of an introduction to chapter 10, as for me personally, it felt like the story jumped which was a little disorientating. However, these are minor issues which could be easily rectified.

Please, Please, Please upload more though, as i am now officially hooked and need to hear what happens next! :)

On my WL for now until there is room on my shelf and 4 stars!

Best wishes, Amy

J D,
I checked out your book and I decided to back it! Please take a look at either of my two novels, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND, for a possible backing. Your help will be appreciated.

Dwain-Thomas

Hi J. D. Fantasy is not my forte but your pitch is intriguing.
Only had time for two chapter—maybe I’ll return for more, if I find the time.
I loved the voice. A little narration heavy but once you get into dialogue it moves along.
Would suggest trying maybe some internal dialogue to pick up pace. First person must give reader a strong POV, but only through that one character’s eyes.
Got my backing. Good luck.
Dan

l only give advise for books l really like. your narrative is so full of rich description that each sentence fills a page. my advise is to re- read your work, not because 'l' can see any mistakes, but so that you are 100% sure that your book is ready...this is on my watchlist for now; 6 stars******
read SEASONS...

Hello Regan,

Welcome to Autonomy! I was searching for titles with words in my book title, "Destined to Triumph" and I found your "Destiny or Choice?". Intriguingly, the story behind your story and mine are somehow similar. Great! Peruse through my "Destined to Triumph" and back it it find you it deserving; moreover your shelf is "whole" is empty. I have backed yours.

Be blessed.