Unravelling Travelling

Bloody genius mate.

Thanks for inventing sex too, BTW. You did the human race a big favour.

Dear Ola,

You know, I have come across three writers now, who shouldn't be on Authonomy.

There work is so obviously professional, it should be displayed in bookshops, paid for at the till and read in people's homes.

I don't have to tell you that you are one of the three. Unravelling Travelling cannot be faulted. It reads so naturally. Off the cuff. Perhaps you did write and rewrite and edit et al, but it's not obvious. It just is, Natural.
Readable. Inviting. Clever. I laughed.

I hope a cruising editor notices you, long before you have to sweat your guts out for the editors desk, which I have no faith in. I'm carrying on, submitting to literary agents.

You're on my bookshelf now. I hope it helps a bit in your rise up the charts.

Kind regards. Pierre.

Hilarious!

Please, don't change ANYTHING. Because Ola, if you were to do all these little copyedits that some have suggested here, it would alter the voice--the speaker's being not completely at ease, but just so interestingly and comically just slightly off-kilter, in English. It's SO great. On my 'guest shelf' for you.

What a terrific depiction of the excitement slash exhaustion of being in New York with jet lag and vodka!!

Made me a little drunk just reading this.

Ola--
I'm very glad to see this edging up the charts--it deserves to. I had to give it another read; I still don't know whether it makes me feel better or worse about life. It's good to be fucked with like that every once in a while. (See, Unravelling Travelling IS instructional!)
--Jason

UNRAVELLING TRAVELLING by Ola Zaltin.

Ola -Total lack of moral restraint and a headlong rush into the lower depths of depravity. Yeah! Right! When your characters do drugs to the extent described in your book it's not suprising there will be negative consequences: impaired libido for example. I take your book on trust to be a sort of cynical parable whose central point is: Everything good is bad and everything bad is good. Alternatively, behaving badly teaches you to learn the good is better in the long run. To paraphrase Jean-Jacques Rousseau: humankind can only understand what is good by actively experiencing the bad. Your book is straight off the wall, uninhibited and pushing against most conventions of mores and manners. It sets out to be provocative and the material within ensures it cannot fail in that regard. It's definitely for those readers who have an already developed acquired taste. Not mine, I have to admit but an acceptable addition to its relevant genre. I'm still not sure why I Backed your book. I must have been thinking of a one time english comedian whose catchphrase was: "Ooh! You are naughty! But I like you!"

Tony Brady - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3.

UNRAVELING TRAVELING
This is an interesting story: an inside look at the part of cities the tour buses tend to avoid. Lars is a good character; we’ve all had days when we’d like to take off for a new city and find the first bar in sight. Makes this a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Ola, the first chapter sets up your novel to be an enjoyable, smooth read. I like your first-person voice.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Aces. Not a missed beat. Seems you haven´t been on this site in awhile and I hope it is because you are on book tour. yes?
Susan

Nothing to add - superb. best wishes, Barry (Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

Nothing to add - superb. best wishes, Barry (Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

Laughing too hard to think and/or write straight. Will leave lucid comments later. But I can say "shelved!"

Ola - I really like this. The writing is punchy and in your face. My only suggestion is to develop the stories a bit more in between the ***. I don't think you need so many interruptions. I feel like I'm just on a wave and then it disappears before I've hit the crest. That said, I do think this is good, and I'm putting it on my shelf.

What a crazy ride! This book is absolutely hilarious - frenetic, too. This is one of those books I can see written in journal form with a font that looks like handwriting. You've certainly captured the voice of this wild child, but I'm afraid the reader might get worn out too soon. I'm wondering out loud: if you slowed down the pace and made more fluid carry-overs to the next scene, it may make for a more readable book, but I'm not sure how it would affect the voice. That's a tough one. Still, it was an enjoyable read and I commend you for such imaginative words and scenes. Cheers!

Dear Ola, I really love Unravelling Travelling - Lars is a great travelling companion, and your descriptions of driving in Ubud took me back to my own experiences there a couple of decades ago - great stuff, well-written, engaging and entertaining. On my bookshelf. Cheers! Andrew (author of BIG FISH).

Hi Ola from Montreal! So I read the sections about Montreal with great interest. Just a few things: "University of Concordia" is clumsy as no one I've ever known calls it that. Just plain Concordia University. Also, I'd write "rue Sainte-Catherine" rather than your way (lowercase rue, too). Just for accuracy. Your story is suitably frentic which goes a long way in capturing what your character is going through. Well done! My only suggestion is to take the time and describe the places, the bars, the hotels, the airlines. Why not name them, as well. I think this will give a more "real" sense to your book. Oh, I thought the Asian kid that robs him was very stereotypical. The "gimme, gimme" part, specifically. In Montreal, the Asian kid would most likely speak French. "Gimme" is a very American word.

Hope this helps. Interesting read. Oh, you'll be happy to know the F1 no longer exists in Montreal. :)

Michael

'“Yeah, hi, I haven’t got a question but I just wanted to tell you I really, REALLY liked your film, and congratulations! What an ACHIEVEMENT!” Director and I blush. In Europe we call this bullshit, but here it’s the real deal, I keep reminding myself. In the old world we’re so suspicious.’
I chuckled a lot at that. Beauty is truth, truth beauty.

Ola, do you think we could launch a campaign to have publishers examine the commercial viability of travel fiction as a genre? Because - and you probably realise this - they don't know it exists. And it bloody well should. Long live the gonzo. (And who says Swedes can't be gonzo? Tut tut, Jeriah. Come hang with some of the expat ones in the Alps, man.)

Jesus, Ola. I just read 5 & 6. You fully earned the ending to Chapter 6, is all I'm saying. Brilliant.
--Jason

Ola, I love this. Love the voice. Love the pace. On my shelf.

Bloody genius mate.

Thanks for inventing sex too, BTW. You did the human race a big favour.

Dear Ola,

When we were talking two months ago, I was under the impression you had backed me.

Perhaps you did. But the Authonomy software must have screwed up, because their records don't show it.

Check the message board back to November 13.

Do you mind shelving me again, just for sixty seconds?

Kind regards.

Pierre.

O- I see your sic pic in your profile, and I knew that sob was going to come right back once the smoke cleared, tormenting us with his ghost. (And I also knew, cuz I'm perceptive, that he'd make his comeback as a Dane posing as a Swede)-J

PS- You write from the heart (but with you, is this a good thing?)-J

O- Love the gonzo stuffings. I also love short first chapters! So, I'm W/L you so I can get back to chp two soon. I write a completely different genre, but love this stuff for a breather from my wordy biz. I lived in Christania (Freetown) in the years it was first homesteaded by hippies (your forefathers, dude, so I'm sure you can relate!) PS- I know that you are a Dane posing as a Swede. (You can only fool some Americans some of the time) Swedes aren't gonzo, (everybody knows this- especially the Finns)unless they were born to a Danish mother- who used to be a man. Anyhow, when you get to that part of The Apricot Turner (here's assuming the close --salesperson speak- and shameless plug for my book) where I lived in Freetown, I'm sure you'll get a kick. I won't note the errors in spelling (brings a certain charm to the work to miss a few conventions) cuz Chris S. is a whiz at catching such things- I'll leave the dirty work to him.

As I read UT, I have the eerie sense that I, to, will soon be hung over like that cute chick yer talking bout. But like the way I used to drink when I was younger, I'm going to throw caution to the wind and keeping drinking your nasty water til I throwup or reach Jesus.

O- Love the gonzo stuffings. I also love short first chapters! So, I'm W/L you so I can get back to chp two soon. I write a completely different genre, but love this stuff for a breather from my wordy biz. I lived in Christania (Freetown) in the years it was first homesteaded by hippies (your forefathers, dude, so I'm sure you can relate!) PS- I know that you are a Dane posing as a Swede. (You can only fool some Americans some of the time) Swedes aren't gonzo, (everybody knows this- especially the Finns)unless they were born to a Danish mother- who used to be a man. Anyhow, when you get to that part of The Apricot Turner (here's assuming the close --salesperson speak- and shameless plug for my book) where I lived in Freetown, I'm sure you'll get a kick. I won't note the errors in spelling (brings a certain charm to the work to miss a few conventions) cuz Chris S. is a whiz at catching such things- I'll leave the dirty work to him.

As I read UT, I have the eerie sense that I, to, will soon be hung over like that cute chick yer talking bout. But like the way I used to drink when I was younger, I'm going to throw caution to the wind and keeping drinking your nasty water til I throwup or reach Jesus.

Anyone who has Under the Volcano amongst their favourite books has to be read. I was perhaps surprised but pleased I dropped by. (It was the pitch that first attracted me, btw, not Malcolm Lowry). I enjoyed the almost reporting/diary style because it makes the story as it is immediate. I should like to read more so will put this on my shelf for now and hope I get back to it before too long. Have a look at mine if you have nothing better to do. You will probably be disappointed.

This is very funny stuff--is it all true?! You have a gift for comedy. I'm backing your book -- here are my notes:

1. I wouldn’t say “this point and time” -- you’re telling this story in the present tense so we know that.
2. This is such a minor point that I hate to bring it up but… As a writer, consider never saying “nondescript” or “words can’t express.” You’re a writer, right so nothing should be nondescript or beyond words. Tell us about that nondescript building, which will also give you the opportunity to show us where we are and your tastes.
3. Loved “small bottles of inflight somethings” -- really says a lot!
4. “on which she is” -- it would be stronger to write something like: The large happy redhead furiously takes notes on a yellow legal paper.
5. Loved the “it’s me” comment! Hilarious!
6. My gut says to just use “Evade with Evian.” We get it with just that line--the others dilute the reference and the moment I think.
7. Fast! Great line!!! HAHAHA!
8. Maybe he would say, “hazy, hot, and human (instead of humid)” -- those are the three H’s we hear all the time here in NYC.
9. Just got OFF the boat myself…
10. Be careful using “Danish” twice in the same sentence. Nothing against Danish, but it feels repetitive.
11. Central Park South (capitalize South).
12. I don’t understand that you can’t just order one sandwich. Of course you can -- even on CPS. Maybe it’s something else that bothers you. Maybe, there’s a $10 minimum per person or you can’t get a vegetarian anything… Don’t know but I do know I always order just one here. No prob!
13. Love the bit on Lincoln Center BUT, give us a little more conflict with this scene. We love your wit and the whole fish out of water feel so give us a little more. Maybe the Columbia professor’s teeth are so bright that you didn’t realize he pronounced your name wrong. Okay, that’s not it but something. Your humor is great!
14. Nut-cake -- we usually say nut job. Of course, it would be funny to continuously get the American slang slightly off. Nut-cake would be perfect then but you’d need to continue this.
15. Harry looks like a librarian -- great!
16. Lee Ermey is a pretty obscure reference.
17. The odd actual resident -- doesn’t ring true. Except for midtown and the financial district, Manhattan is mostly residences (I’m exaggerating a bit).
18. Loved the squirrel moment!
19. Chapter 2 -- you’ve put commas around a parenthetical by mistake in the first paragraph.
20. That was before the bombs exploded -- so, I take it your going to be in Bali when the bombs went off? I wonder if it’s necessary to let us know this ahead of time. It seems a little like “little did he know” and I’d try to stay away from it. Your narrative doesn’t need it.
21. Itchy looking suit - great description!
22. Gets him do that -- typo.
23. The dive in the pool is beautifully visual and fun!
24. Never take their eyes OFF the passenger…
25. My dear reader -- don’t think you need it.
26. Turtle on downers -- great!
27. Observe us? Don’t know who “us” is.
28. American should be capitalized.

Hi Zaltin. I believe I came by here before and paid a visit as the Pitch Doctor. Maybe I'm misremembering. Still, had a bit of a read now and the work itself is interesting, laced with intelligent comment and observation that certainly deserves close attention and a patient read. It's not a grabber, but then it's not that sort of book and there's room for all kinds of book on this site. Of course I appreciate this is a work in progress, but hopefully this one will stand out to others. Best of luck with it.

Hi Ola,

This is a very fast paced book. You use a lot of commas to run from one description to another. This is good for the kind of book you wrote.

At the beginning I thought he was Danish, because he came from a Danish airport. But, then he is Swedish. There is a bridge between the two countries, I guess it's easier to cross.

I just do not like the idea of someone getting wasted. I guess some people have that phase in their life. I hope your book ends up with Lars stopping to drink and enjoying life SOBER.

All the best and I hope you enjoy Elements of Nature.

Bruna

Hi Ola. I see a lot of people have been reading this so I've been eagerly anticipating! the overall is very good. I've just read chapter 1 for now and want to catch up on some more at a later point. a few points for you to question. at the beginning would it sound better to say tonight rather than this night. in the 2nd para I'd prefer frazzled and jagged to maintain the rhythm (that might just be my style but think about it). I love the scene changes at first but then there feel like there are too many in quick succession. too many short bursts for me to take them all in. could they be longer and/or fewer at this stage? I do like it tho. Ali.

Ola, I've had a fabulous time with this. Straight onto the shelf.

What an engaging rollercoaster this is. Your narrator has a distinctive voice, your prose is playful and the whole thing pretty much flows. Well done.

The one line that jarred for me was at the end of the opening para, referring to the nondescript midtown restaurant in which the scene takes place. It feels tacked on, it doesn't flow with the rest. But it's a pretty small quibble to make and it doesn't stop me giving this a spin on my shelf.

Ola,

I read this last night and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it! I love the way you write, it's definitely a style that I prefer. It's funny, it's very intelligently written and I'm sure you'll be on the Ed's desk soon - I certainly hope so! Brilliant - putting it on my shelf.

Oli

Ola. Just found your book on here. Which Ive backed as I read and loved the application piece to the Shed.

If you have chance to read a little if The Charter and back it I hope I'd be most grateful. Need as many shelves as possible today as it's tight on the Eds desk. Cheeky I know but time is running out.

Many thanks!

Ola – fabulous. There’s very little I can say other than I love the hard-boiled language you use – reads like a film noir. Full of great descriptions that are very visual. And there’s a nice, wry sense of humour throughout with a good underlying cynicism.

Very minor mistakes that I’ve laid out for you:

Chapter 1: The line: ‘He hurries away without batting an eye-lid. I blink and he’s gone.’ – says the same thing. Lose the ‘he hurries away’. ‘I blink and he’s gone’ has more impact alone.

Chapter 2: The change in style jars – lose the ‘Niels goes:’ and ‘Me:’ – stick with Dialogue, says etc etc,. I reply etc etc.

There are a few cases throughout where you use ‘of’ instead of ‘off’.

‘…and rented a jeep.’ – ‘hired’ reads better.

It’s ‘football’ not ‘soccer’!

Capital ‘A’ for ‘American’.

The line: ‘The bowl with powder is plastic orange…’ reads better without ‘with powder’; add punctuation a few words on: ‘and in it, I would estimate, is’.

Again you switch styles and write ‘Me:’

‘E as been living…’: ‘E *has* been living…’

The line near the end: ‘To the careful observer…’ reads better s ‘To the careful observer, however, the tensed, over-white smiles of the women and the consumption of whisky and frozen daiquiris before dinner by the men suggests…’

Chapter 3:
I’d move the opening section to after Lars is in the Mex bar a few pages on.

You repeat the info about our world looking the same (KFC etc).

Chapter 4: ‘of’ instead of ‘off’ near the beginning.

Describing Lars’ girlfriend, try: ‘She’s a pretty and slender, brown-skinned girl..’

Lose the ‘Fades’ – grates with the rest of your writing style. And be consistent with your scene breaks. In chapter 1 you use ‘*’, then ‘X’, then ‘x’.

‘Now I’ve had *five* years of German in school, but truth *be* told…’

‘I arch a cosmopolitan’s eyebrow*.* ‘So *what* would you recommend…’

Shelved, and proud to have done so. Look forward to reading more. Ian.

Hi Ola! Well, for me, a book in this basic style stands or falls pretty much on the basis of how good a raconteur you are, and you're a splendid one. You nail the little details and observations that just make the scene, like that quizzical storm-blown squirrel, or the effects of colonialism on attitudes towards tanning, or, heh heh, the practical applications to taxi-driving style of religious beliefs! Everything is told in brief, fun anecdotes, and there's no particular suggestion of a broader story (and I wasn't looking for one) until the end of chapter 4, when suddenly the fun evaporates for Lars after his beery tumble and subsequent come-down from too many nice hospital drugs. Not that I expect Lars to go the pinstriped-banker route. It actually reminded me a little bit of Casanova's memoirs there, because GC would have these moments of deep sadness too...and then hop right back into action! (He also, although he certainly embellished his stories, had that fundamental honesty that you show in, for example, the scene at the cathouse with what we in the States would call whiskey dick -- and Hunter S. Thompson, Mr. Gonzo himself, of course could be quite relentlessly straightforward about himself, including if not in fact EMPHASIZING his less heroic moments ;-) !)

For a 75K-word or so book, I think you are going to need a FEW longer narratives to weave among the shorter ones (although, as I said, I don't think you need a central one) to keep the momentum going. I hadn't gotten tired of the mini-stories yet at the end of chapter 4, but if that crying-after-the-hospital scene is heading towards something a little more involved (even if it doesn't last the length of the book), I think it's well timed!

Anyway! I didn't mark down typos as I read, but there were a few -- if you like, you can email me a file, and I'll be happy to do the copy-editing honors (impossible to do for oneself, easy to do for other people somehow!). And thanks very much for the chance to read this, and best of luck!!!

Hi there
I keep seeing Unravelling Travelling in the weekly charts. Seems to be one of the only books on here I have yet to read! But not any more. I read the pitch and loved it. One of the most enticing pitches on here. I'm guessing because you work in movies you know how to make them sound better - that ability to write a tagline which catches audience attention. Anyway, drew me in.
I love the scenic nature of your writing. These short, sharp scenes, it reminds me of watching a movie, seeing the camera angles dart from one thing to another. I really liked the short, staccato style of writing and the punchy way you ended the vignettes. Good end of chapter hooks too. A couple of lines made me grin - the one about Dolly Parton and about the confusion between humid and human. :-)
The central character has a wry way of looking at the world which I love (though I confess, not too keen on the sound of those swimming trunks....;-))
I actually don't have any constructive criticism, probably because this books stands differently to most others and doesn't follow any conventions. As such, I think it's pointless to try and apply conventional writing tools onto this. It's purely yours and I liked it very much.
I've put you on my bookshelf and I hope you continue to rise and attract more reads.
Hannah

Dear Ola,

You know, I have come across three writers now, who shouldn't be on Authonomy.

There work is so obviously professional, it should be displayed in bookshops, paid for at the till and read in people's homes.

I don't have to tell you that you are one of the three. Unravelling Travelling cannot be faulted. It reads so naturally. Off the cuff. Perhaps you did write and rewrite and edit et al, but it's not obvious. It just is, Natural.
Readable. Inviting. Clever. I laughed.

I hope a cruising editor notices you, long before you have to sweat your guts out for the editors desk, which I have no faith in. I'm carrying on, submitting to literary agents.

You're on my bookshelf now. I hope it helps a bit in your rise up the charts.

Kind regards. Pierre.

This is good and I can see a publishing house taking it on, no probs. I've read a bit of non-fiction on this site and I usually prefer fiction. This one is fast paced and funny. Good luck, although I don't think you'll need it.

I skimmed over the other comments and see a few have noted some problems with the editing so I'll just add a couple that I found, but I'm sure you will have the book edited by an English speaking editor anyway.

‘Alright’ should prob be ‘all right’ – ‘Another long swim over to the wet bar is waiting.’ Perhaps; ‘Another long swim over to where the wet bar is waiting.’ OR ‘Another long swim over to the waiting wet bar.’??
I know Patty already pointed this one out but I couldn't help myself repeating: Cars brake, not break, but wait, lol. Maybe the Bali cabs do.

This should get a read by HC so will pop it on my bookshelf for awhile.

"For an instant our eyes lock. He has this surprised look in his squirrelly eyes: 'What the fuck?' Then he's gone."

You had me from the first sentence to the last in chapter 1. Funny. I love the narrator's voice. It's so real, so well captured that it reads like non-fiction (is it?). I think this is brilliant. I've not read past ch 1 yet, but I will.

My only concern at this point - if the entire book is in the narrator's head like this, can you sustain it? That's a hard thing to do, and to keep reader interest in 300-400 pages of narrative. I'm wondering if after the first chapter, you break and show scenes in a more standard fiction style. (I could peek ahead to answer that myself, but I won't yet, because I know I'd just keep reading and I can't right now.) If it's all in this narrative, that may be tough to keep readers glued to the page. Not impossible, it will just have to be as flawlessly executed as ch 1. If it breaks, and you mix in scenes with this type of narrative, it might hold readers' attention longer. But I want to read the entire novel in this narrative voice, with or without breaking up the narrative. It's absolutely engaging.

Robb

Oh, a travelling book. To comment on / review this, I have to make a few adjustments. Discussion on the plot… largely irrelevant. Deep and believable characters? I'd bloody well hope so! Instead, Unravelling Travelling has to survive on two things alone: The quality of the prose and staying interesting.

And before we continue, that is a great, great title. It practically jumps off the shelf and onto the tills. Defend it with your life.

So the prose? Well you needn't worry. You've written screenplays before, right? I remember that from you profile? Well it shows because you're clearly super-cool. And you love language. I'm suspecting you don't wordplay like that when you talk but that's a character judgement. On paper, it's all good. I don't really know what it is when a person is "jagged" but it conjures up enough images that it's not important. Thats what English is really all about.

The other question: What about keeping interesting? Well the diary style splits it down into bitesized chunks, gets it off the bookshelf and onto the coffee table. It's reminiscant of brief periouds of clarity in an otherwise drunken world. Hazy memories. Makes it very easy for someone to think "Ooh, nice title, what's this?" and dip in, laugh out loud and buy a copy for themselves (or perhaps try to steal the one they're holding).

Three chapters, three CONTINENTS! Can you keep up that pace? Do you have a goal to visit them all? Is that the travel that you seek to unravel?

This is the crux of it- possibly the part you're still working on- and the means by which the book will rise or fall. The dip in, dip out nature of the style makes it hard to define a long term objective, and you could use one, however frivilous. A Dave Gorman-esque challenge to fulfil. An underlying purpose.

But what better thing to write than a book that forces you to travel and drink copiously? Sounds like an ideal! You've got a great start here for something that could run and run.

Chris

Ola,

LOL! I love this. It's so full of quirky jokes. I'll stick this on my shelf for a bit.

Chapter 2: the taxis never brake (not break).
The Dutch name you'd ben looking for is Jan, not Jann or Yann (you use both spellings here)

Ola--
I'm very glad to see this edging up the charts--it deserves to. I had to give it another read; I still don't know whether it makes me feel better or worse about life. It's good to be fucked with like that every once in a while. (See, Unravelling Travelling IS instructional!)
--Jason

Hello Ola,
Well, I've wandered here after reading glowing reports on the forum. And I wasn't disappointed! This is a wonderful balance of humour and reportage with a wonderfully dark undercurrent. As well as being fast paced and very readable, your throw-away one liners like 'brown as a Balinese dog-turd' really made me chuckle. Number 166? I don't think so! Up on my shelf it goes.
Would appreciate a glance at my book some time if you have time.
Nicky
(Chickens and Churchbells)

Hilarious!

Please, don't change ANYTHING. Because Ola, if you were to do all these little copyedits that some have suggested here, it would alter the voice--the speaker's being not completely at ease, but just so interestingly and comically just slightly off-kilter, in English. It's SO great. On my 'guest shelf' for you.

What a terrific depiction of the excitement slash exhaustion of being in New York with jet lag and vodka!!

Made me a little drunk just reading this.

Ola, keep climbing. Sorry not to have responded to your comment. V busy. R

OK, I'll watchlist this.

Hi Ola

The short scenes are nice snapshots of the MC's life. Well written but a little too many adjectives e.g. tired, frazzled, jagged, jet-lagged, sandbagged. Then we get - 'fuzzy' and 'we've really had enough'. Pick out the one that conveys to the the reader exactly what you want and cut out the rest of the adjectives. Also, keep in mind each scene needs to have conflict and a purpose why it has been included in the story. Does it drive the story forward. If not, the it may need to be changed or cut.

You have a way of describing the characters that immediately gives the reader a mind picture. Well done.

All the best with this. I am putting you on my watchlist.

Cheers Olga:)

Ola--
This is brilliant. Like a copy of Lonely Planet got mixed in a blender with Hunter Thompson's adrenal gland. And I drank it all down.
--Jason

I love the way you intertwine the humour with the much darker, almost despairing over-drinking and drugs. It builds up a lot of tension and anticipation without hitting the reader over the head with it. Brilliant!

The present tense, diary/journal style prose works well provided that you continue varying the pace from staccato to smoother and back again.

Your similes and metaphors are interesting - sometimes they don't work but that's OK because they are charming in their not-quite-Englishness. Dolly Parton's tits are a good example!

All in all a fascinating piece that's going on my watchlist - congratulations! Suze...

Hi Ola,

After seeing your comment in the forum, I thought I’d pop over and take a look at your first chapter.

I really like your style. It’s snappy, immediate and humorous. The main point I would make is that you need to trim down the adverbs as they’re a little distracting. In each instance, maybe think about which one or two are the most apposite. Also, I wonder if you could lengthen any of the scenes as it’s very choppy as it is at the moment. Is the rest of the book written in this way or is this just to convey how all over the place you were when you landed in the States? Actually, having said that, I clicked on your second chapter and saw that you’ve lengthened a few, so ignore what I said there. I think it works very well in this first chapter, but might leave a reader a bit breathless after a whole book.

Anyway, some comments that I hope you’ll find useful follow.

I think your first sentence needs restructuring to read ‘…..whisper in the ear of my film-director friend.’

I’d maybe change ‘this night’ to ‘tonight.’

Shouldn’t danish have a capital D?

New Yorks’ should be New York’s

I think sometimes you use too many adverbs. I got to the point where you’re talking about the girl sitting next to you and found there to be too many. Also, I think red-head is one word – redhead.

Would you smile if you swallowed a thousand dollar bill? I know what you mean here, but the idea seemed a little odd.

It’s a nit, I know, but maybe decide if you’re going to call it New York or NY. It jars a little to see you flit from one to the other.

I wasn’t sure about the Dolly Parton line. Something didn’t seem right, and I think you need a comma before ‘and it’s raining…’ Maybe ‘I’m as hungover as Dolly Parton is busty’ or something. Can you see what I mean?

Greek and Swedish need capitals.

Typo: ‘were’ should be ‘where’ in the paragraph about the sandwiches.

Really liked the paragraph about the jogger. It reminded me of This Book Will Save Your Life.

Not sure about up-stretched arm. Maybe, ‘There’s an arm up in the audience’ makes more sense.

‘Me and director blush’ should be ‘The director and I blush.’ If you take out ‘the director’ you can tell if it should me ‘I’ or ‘me.’

Good luck with this, Ola.

Liam

Hey, Ola, how cool is that! I'm impressed. I'm wondering what the English Wallander's going to turn out like. I actually miss being able to buy Norwegian books. Can't find anywhere in England to get hold of them, and getting them from Norway's way too expensive. Has Mankell written any more Wallander books since Brannvegg? R

Not heard of Erlend Loe; have you tried talking to his agent? To be honest, I spent a lot of my time in Norway reading Norwegian translations of Henning Mankell's Wallander books, one reason being that Mankell writes in a very straightforward way which made this a good way to improve my Norwegian by. Strange, eh? R

See Ola, it's starting to work. Keep plugging away. You've had some top writers come to see you know, and that's only good for the book. And it's worth it. R

Hi, Ola

May I recommend The BookShed, (www.bookshed.eu) which is always keen to admit damn good writers?

The Shed can be just as wild and woolly as this place, I must warn you, and has its share of the passionate and the mad. (I was part of its birth, and I know) But there is a separate, work area for crits and responses only. Because it's private and there is no obligation, beyond doing one's fair share of random reading and responding, these can be both detailed and frank.

I must stress that The Shed in no way competes with Authonomy. More a place to privately work through problems, to polish and perfect, before coming to a site like this in search of broader readership.

The Shed is also, long term, exploring publishing options…